We’re all making progress on our respective life journeys, and while we’re in the progress, it’s a good idea to take a moment to review where we’ve been and try to get a better idea about where we’re going.
Chances are you’re feeling a strong sense of congruency with how your life is going, you feel like you’re making a contribution, you are feeling good about your life and life as having a positive future, feeling like the world can be a better place, and you’re just one of the people striving to do your part to make it happen. And happiness? You’re so happy, you downplay it to your family and friends because you don’t want to make them feel bad, see how good their lives could be, or think you’re off your rocker… So, you keep a low profile and try to blend in a little.
Nonetheless, when the alarm goes off, you reach over, turn it off and smile, because today, today is going to be another exciting, great day. Woot woot!
That, in itself, is a pretty good indication that you’re making good progress and you’re headed in the right direction. And while most days start so wonderfully, sometimes, just like anyone else, we go through transitions and changes of mood, too. What then?
Sometimes, when we’re trying to push through a personal level, it can take more time than we’d like it to. Let’s say, you had a goal and gave yourself 90 days to achieve it, but when you get to the third month, you realize you’re not as far along as would have liked to have been. What then?
Journaling sounds like a pain in the butt, but everyone that is on a path similar to ours, swears that whenever they hit a bump in the road or are feeling blue, a wandering through the old journal, infuses them with an indestructible resolve and unbound energy to go the distance.
Nonetheless, you got this, because now, when you pass a mirror, you smile because you know you’re good people and you’re so good with that.
You know you’re living a better life when you can’t remember the last time you had a bad day and you’re making changes in your life naturally, without even thinking about it, and you look forward to challenges, rather than stressing over potential trouble.
You know you’re living your best life when you have no fear or reservations about making new friends and expanding your circle of influence, and the way you integrate with them takes on a whole new flavor.
For instance, if you make a mistake, you don’t start looking for someone or something to blame for it, you just accept that it is what it is, and maybe even find humor in it, while looking for the meaning or hidden treasure inside the experience.
What others think about you doesn’t really matter anymore. They can like you, or not, and you don’t feel like you have anything to prove to anyone, and find comfort in doing the things you enjoy and make you feel good, regardless of what others might think, and you’re exercising your right to establish boundaries and use the word, “no.”
And as you are having an impact on those around you and are taking an active part in making the world a better place, you feel really good about the good work that you are doing.
And just in case you didn’t notice, others are taking notice of your good works and are even starting to comment on your change, growth, and contribution.
As you’re in the process of contributing, you are more concerned about the outcome than the preciseness of the execution, for it is better to do, than not to do. If things don’t go exactly as planned, no problem. Either you or someone else will do it differently the next time.
Goal setting just comes naturally and achievement of those goals comes easier as you find yourself more and more in the flow, and you’re not too concerned with the details that may have prevented execution in the past. Procrastination isn’t even on your radar because you’re a mover and shaker.
And you know what? You are making a difference, and you’re an inspiration.
Ever wonder why you take everything so personally?
Why does something someone else says or does seem to get you agitated, upset, angry, sad, hurt your feelings or have a tendency to make you feel bad?
Do you ever find yourself wondering,
“What is wrong with these people?”
The more sensitive your personality type, the more severe the negative impact on your state of mind and the greater your propensity to feel bad, maybe even to the point of becoming physically sick.
All these are indications that you might be taking things too personally, leaving you wondering,
“Is there is a better way, a higher vibration that could help to mitigate the damages of how I feel about what other people do or say?”
First off, you must be able to wrap your mind around the idea that you are the master of your own life, and you get to choose how you feel. I know this may sound like a stretch at the moment, but bear with me and follow along…
You have the power, complete control, about what you feel about what others say and do. When you allow someone else to make you experience negative feelings about someone else, you give your power away to that person, submissively taking on the role of the victim.
What can you do when what someone says or does makes you feel like you’ve been (mentally or physically) assaulted?
Do what any reasonable warrior would do when attacked, as quickly as possible, assess your attacker (Who is this person? Is this someone whom you have a long-term relationship with?), and the potential threat (Do you fear consequences for disagreeing, challenging or not going along with him/her/them?).
Have you made compromises in the past to appease them, and then felt as though you suffered by not being true to yourself or your integrity?
Are you experiencing more inner turmoil or drama for appeasing, giving in, or going along with whatever they want just in an effort to keep the peace?
Is the value this person brings to your life great enough to outweigh any respect for yourself that you may be sacrificing in an effort to keep this person in your world?
If you are reacting to something someone has said or done negatively, you are clearly looking at it from your own perspective, as if this person attacked you and you are faced with the same emotional impact had this person slapped you across the face, or hit you with a stick. You post up, ready for a fight, and immediately defend yourself or counter attack to make things worse.
You’ve made a snap judgment based on your sense of right or wrong, or metaphorically surrounded yourself with an electric fence that sets off an alarm when someone approaches certain locations. And maintaining this emotional fence is far more important than anything the other person might be going through, because you’ve totally rejected there being any other point of view. You haven’t given a thought to what the other person might be thinking, seeing, responding or reacting to.
You’re expending a great deal of emotional effort to maintain your emotional electric fence, you could be in a constant state of defensive awareness, watching all your monitors in your control booth waiting for any breach that might trigger your fence. What if it’s not about you?
What’s it like to be in his or her skin? Where is this coming from? What is the meaning or purpose behind the manner in which they are expressing themselves? Do they express themselves in this matter to other people, too, or just you?
Maybe this person does not have communication skills as good as yours. Maybe this person has lived a life where he or she thinks that this specific method of delivery is the only way for their voice to be heard. Is it possible that they are overcompensating for low self esteem, or have problems with interpreting or setting boundaries?
It’s hard, if not impossible, to imagine or know what has happened in this person’s life that makes him/her react or try to communicate in this fashion.
Your propensity to fire off a warning shot when someone approaches your emotional electric fence is an indication that your vantage point is too close to the fence. You need a little more room between you and your fence to give you that brief second to evaluate the situation at hand without having to react first.
You have certain sections of your fence which are more sensitive than others; be aware of them, and put a little more space for reaction time between those areas.
In the place of time and space which you’ve created between you and your emotional electric fence, take that time to assess the situation and circumstances before you react. This can have a huge effect on your initial reaction and can lead to a more positive outcome.
Resisting your initial reaction to be defensive or launch a counter-attack, as gently as possible, assert your need to understand what the other person is trying to say. Give them the space to state their case. As you listen to them, try to imagine what it must like to be in their shoes, maybe look at what might be underneath or behind the words they are saying, to try to better understand not only what they are trying to communicate, but who they are.
If you have felt as though they were being mean, disrespectful or vicious, feel free to let them know, and encourage them to try a different approach the next time. They may have no idea of your sensitivities toward certain methods of delivery. It is possible that this is the only way they know how to express themselves. In this way, you might be able to help them look at and evaluate their own tactics and maybe make some necessary adjustments.
In the event that you are unable to establish a mutually beneficial communication style, it may be time to limit exposure to this person or separate yourself from him or her altogether.
This is your life, and you never have to subject yourself to potential abuse; and only you can determine what this means to you.
You are the master of your own life, and you get to choose how you feel.
Romance is such a cluster… who in the world could figure it out? Is it a mating ritual? Is it manipulation and grooming? Is it an expression of love, or the steps to claim ownership or gain control of another person? And what’s love got to do with it?
If we take a look at nature (a live system without sociological control mechanisms put in place to control these life forms) there does appear to be signs of mating rituals which are highly instinctual. That offers a substantial basis for romance as a mating ritual.
Observing nature, the instinctive ritual is highly manipulative and targeted at one specific goal; to get laid.
Procreation is also an added benefit of getting laid in nature, it keeps the cycle moving along…
Then there are us, the “highly evolved” inhabitants of this planet striving to hook up and find greater meaning in all that life has to offer, some of us more than others.
For us, romance seems to be connected to our instinctual quest for survival under the best possible circumstances, so we’re attracted to particular characteristics and signs which would indicate successful survival.
When entertaining the idea of mate selection, we evaluate a wide variety of indicators, such as genetic cues, like good looks, and healthy appearance, as well as specific personality traits, intelligence and body image, as these, will be passed on to potential offspring.
Then there is the safety and security we seek, so we look for monetary stability, which may include familial money, a good job, retirement, and benefits. Indicators of success and stability are fancy cars, jewelry, designer clothing, and accessories. Other indicators might include certain fragrances, hairstyles, nails, and makeup.
We use these things as clues to reveal someone’s worthiness of our romantic attention.
The trick here is that knowing that the indicators of success will likely reduce the resistance of the sifting and sorting of prospective mates, there are individuals who will sacrifice all to attain the key indicators to manipulate others so that they can get laid, which is all quite normal in nature.
Manipulation is a method imposed on an individual so as to create the desired response. Official definitions of manipulation include the skillful, clever, unfair, and dishonest tactics used to influence or control someone.
The problem is that when someone has been duped into falling in love in another’s quest to get laid, therein lies the rub.
Love is unquestionably the strongest emotion of all, even if it is misinterpreted and ill-defined, it still is highly connected to the heart which science is now revealing is a physical component more powerful than the brain.
Love is the most powerful drug among us, and our bodies have it racing inside us looking for opportunities to release itself. We want it, we crave it, and spend our lives in search of it. Only to find that it can never be obtained outside our selves.
Some of us are opting out of romantic manipulation and into higher concepts of love and its associated vibrations.
If you are tired of the endless search for love that will never satisfy your craving for it, you might like to consider looking at love in an entirely new way, empowering you to manifest all the unlimited unconditional love you could possibly imagine.
You are the center of the universe. Everything that you see, touch, taste, hear and smell, the rocks, the bugs, the birds all the creatures of the earth, from every atom to every star, the vast expanse of space, all the galaxies in the universe and all the life that is out there; all here for you, and without you would not one fragment of any of it exist.
For you, you are the observer and as the center of the universe nothing can be known without your witnessing, experiencing, considering or contemplating anything. Do you know it all? No. But do you sometimes feel like you do? Yes. And in that moment you know all that can be known in that time and space.
As you are open about all the possibilities which may exist in your universe, the universe tends to unfold, revealing more and more of itself to you in ways you may not have previously been able to imagine. The more you are open, the more information is vectored and attracted to your conscious, like a magnet, peeling back the layers of the façade which you previously considered was all there could be.
When you were younger, it was easy to wrap your mind around the idea of life being simple, uncomplicated, certainly not without its struggles or challenges, then one day t he light goes on; and you get a glimpse of what else is out there.
It is in that moment that you rise above the crowd, even for the briefest moment, to see… and you get the idea that maybe things are not as they appear. Things that you once highly regarded as truth, and may have been willing to fight or risk your life defending may not be real at all.
If you are able to resist the temptation to sink back into your place in the crowd, you remain open, and your consciousness expands and you begin to realize that you are the center of the universe. All of this, every part of existence and the hidden treasures of the mysteries which reveal themselves to you, do so because of you. If it weren’t for you, none of this could be known, and none of this would exist.
Then you slap your forehead (or someone else does) in hopes that you’ll snap out of it and go back to living the less complicated life as just another one of them. You might even try going backwards, and while some of us find ways to blend back into the herd of humanity, we know we are only living out our lives in stealth mode, because no one knows better than you that this is not all there is.
The world is full of activities, attention-grabbers, distractions, things that make you feel good for a moment, and things that make you feel bad, stress and strain in the struggle for survival amidst the herd. In fact, there is so much activity going on all around you 24/7 it’s a wonder you got to get a glimpse outside the maze even for a brief second at all. But you did.
But, you say, what about all the other people? They are all here just to support your universal experience. Each person, and any other material object and all that is immaterial, is all here for you and your unfolding life experience.
Sounds a little narcissistic, right?
Don’t bother with the inclination to align yourself with labels. Those labels are only for the sheep who allow themselves to be branded by them. You may have been one of them, but not anymore. (Not that you couldn’t find ways to comingle with them, for after all, they are only here for your amusement, enjoyment, understanding and growth.
You, your eyes, are the eyes of God in the center of the universe, experiencing all that can be from your unique perspective and vantage point. All of this is for you and you alone. Without you, none of this would exist.
But (here you go again),
“What about him? What about her?”
He or she is the center of his or her universe as well.
And you start to consider that these words were all in vain, for if I were the center of the universe, all of this is for me, for me only, and none of this would exist without me, then how can that apply to anyone else; that’s contradictory.
All the secrets of the universe appear to be incongruent with herd mentality. This feeling has been programmed into you since your birth, and the feeling that higher concepts couldn’t possibly be right is proof that the programming was successful, but it does not have to be a life-sentence. You can break free from the societal prison of your mind and embrace all that you could be and experience in this life, if you choose.
Is it easy? No.
But if you’re wondering what’s outside the box, maybe it’s time to take a peek?
There is so much authentic, meaningful life and amazing treasures waiting for you outside the box, and all of this was your birthright, which was snatched from you by society at birth.
Are you ready to take back you’re God-given-right to live a better life, your best life, and make the world a better place?
Don’t even think about it, unless you’ve got what it takes…
I know, you’re committed to this relationship, you love your partner but occasionally things get insanely out of control and the whole thing gets crazy and you can’t seem to help yourself in that moment.
What happens is your caveman or cavewoman danger chemistry is activated, you feel like you’re going to be some dinosaur’s lunch, and you’re fighting for your life. In that moment you’re out of control and incapable of rational thought because your amygdala has taken control and your rational mind is shut down.
This is actually an incredible opportunity to uncover buried treasure hiding beneath the surface, but we’ll address that later. For the moment, let’s just get you through this panic and irrational conflict, so that it doesn’t do more harm to the relationship than good.
First off, realize that if your partner is sounding off, like this, there’s something extremely ancient and sacred taking place and honor it and respect it. Understand that through this process which can look like outrage, your partner is trying to communicate something of importance to you.
The last thing you want to do is to take it personally, or get riled up yourself. If one of you is out of control, there is hope, if both of you are out of control, the relationship will suffer damages that may be irreparable. If you can, try not to lose your control, and if you feel like you’re about to lose your cool,
Call a timeout. Of course, you both have to understand and agree to invite the timeout process into your relationship in advance and you have agreed that when one or the other initiates a timeout, you both agree to stop talking for a period of time, no more than 20 minutes.
Those precious moments need not be wasted, take the time to center yourself. There are many methods to center one’s self. If you don’t have a method, you might consider this technique used on trauma patients. Imagine a copper cord that goes from the center of the top of your head, through your body to the center of your stomach. Then focus your attention as a small soothing electrical charge moving all the way up and down the copper cord. A few minutes of this and you’re centered.
Collect your thoughts about what you want to communicate and try to think of the best way to present it to your partner. It’s helpful to have something to write with.
Your brain has released a chemical cocktail that has put you into a state of panic. These chemicals are still moving throughout your nervous system, but their effects are dwindling during the break. About 15 minutes, or less is all it takes to return your body’s chemistry to a more normal state, without further stimuli.
After you have centered and gathered your thoughts you are ready to resume your attempt to communicate. If you were the one charged with unbridled emotion, you can return to that state if you feel it necessary to get out your pent-up feelings, frustrations or pain.
You’re in Good Hands
Your partner has your back. He or she has agreed to partner with you in this process to provide a safe and secure environment for you to express yourself and he or she will do everything he can to correctly understand what it is you’re trying to say.
Expect to be asked questions for clarification, and reiterate or rephrase your ideas so that your partner can correctly comprehend what it is your trying to say concisely.
If You’re Both Out of Control
If you’re both out of control, this is very unfortunate. Whomever has the first moment of clarity or consciousness must find the wherewithal to call for a timeout to stop the danger ahead which is waiting when both of you are out of control.
And you might have to take turns, following one’s rage, after clarity of the subject matter is clearly understood, the other partner may need to have a go at it. Now it’s your turn to hold the sacred space for your partner to freely express him or herself.
Rules of Engagement
You agree to following the rules to the best of your ability and they are
1. Don’t take it personally
Your partner must have the safe space respected and protected by you to express him or herself in any way necessary. Try not to take it personally, even if some disrespect might be directed to you.
2. Seek to understand
Separate any rage from the value of the message being communicated. While your partner may be over-reacting due to raging chemistry as he or she is in fight or flight mode, keep this in mind as you listen and ask for clarity.
3. No threats
Agree in advance that respecting and protecting the sacred space for your partner’s expression means that at no time will either partner threaten the relationship. Avoid using statements like, “if you keep saying that, I’m out’a here.” Don’t start throwing around statements inferring that either one of you will be bailing out, compromising or ending the relationship prematurely. If you are married, using the D-word (divorce) is strictly verboten and you are to refrain from accusing your partner of wanting to end the relationship when no such statement has been made.
Threatening the relationship will only threaten the relationship and is will cause mistrust and promote personal withdrawal and separation.
Honor the Relationship
Even when the going gets tough, and things get out of hand, you know you are together, committed and in a loving, supported environment, if you and your partner can approach potential out of control conflict in this manner.
In many relationships, fear of abandonment can find ways to thwart your attempts to find love, no matter how you try. Dealing with one who has fear of abandonment issues, whether this applies to you, or someone you’re in love with.
In most, if not all, cases, fear of abandonment can be traced back to one’s childhood. It is often linked with a mother or primary caregiver who was not there to provide the proper nurturing, caring and attentive support to the child. Regardless of the reason for the lack of nurturing, whether the primary had to work, or had personal issues or unavoidable circumstances to properly love and connect with this little baby, this young child grew up insecure.
This insecurity could express itself as either avoidance or anxiety.
In the person who expresses his or her fear of abandonment as avoidance, he (avoidance if far more common among men) or she will likely retreat when his or her partner is crying out for love and connection. When witnessing his or her partner expressing his or her need, the avoider will make a bee-line to a safe place.
Commonly, he or she will retreat to the office, or some other location deemed as a “safety zone,” and so it is not uncommon for avoiders to become workaholics.
As a child, the avoider found self-sufficiency and finding comfort in solitude his or her coping mechanism in dealing with a primary caregiver who did not give them the love, attention, and support they so desperately needed in those young and formative early years.
If the person who was raised with abandonment issues found reward from crying out or clamoring for attention, then this will likely carry over into adulthood. The anxious person carrying fear of abandonment issues will likely be stirring the pot in an attempt to get the attention they seek, even though this obviously is an ineffective method of getting them what they want.
What do they want?
In either case, whether they are operating from a place of avoidance or anxiety, both of these individuals are desperately in search of the love, safety and security they were denied at a very tender, young age.
Since we are often drawn and attracted to someone like our parents, you will have someone in your life that triggers the abandonment threshold which throws you into a state of panic or fight or flight response.
This emotional state of emergency disconnects the part of the brain which is reserved for rational thought as they follow their knee-jerk instincts which seek to protect them from further abandonment. So the avoider retreats and the anxious person who fears abandonment pitches a fit because the avoider feel safe in seclusion and the anxious person gets attention (even though it is negative) when they act up.
This reactivity does not foster a healthy environment for creating a congruent connection between two people. In fact, it does just the opposite, it keeps these two people from having a positive, loving and supportive relationship, which is just the opposite of what they so long to have. But for them, it has not become about connection, it has been reduced to its simplest form of survival, so they react and prevent connection from happening.
And there’s a good chance that you are either one of these, either suffering from avoidance or anxiety paradigms, and you are also in a relationship with one, and there’s an even greater chance that if you are in a relationship with someone also suffering from fear of abandonment, that your partnered with someone who is the other type.
In most fear of abandonment couples, one is the avoider and the other is anxious.
What can I do, if I’m in a relationship with someone who has fear of abandonment issues?
Good question. Thankfully, there is a cure for what ails the person who is dealing with fear of abandonment issues.
The person who is suffering from abandonment and has embraced avoidance as his or her coping mechanism wants love and connection but has no idea about how to get it. He or she retreats and expects you to leave.
The key, here, is to do exactly the opposite of what he or she expects. Don’t disconnect yourself, instead, be totally supportive, reach out and touch the heart of the avoider in such a way that he or she longed for in childhood.
That’s right. Treat him or her like a baby, hold him or her in your arms, look him or her in the eyes and say, “I am here for you. I know you feel like running away, right now, and that’s okay, but I will be right here for you. I love you. I really, really love you. I am here for you and I will never leave nor forsake you. You can depend on me.”
The results may not be immediate, but as you gain the trust of the avoider and he or she begins to realize that you are there for comfort, support, safety, security and benevolently offering your loving kindness, and he or she sees strength, consistency, and dependability in your love, he or she will open up.
This might be the first time he or she has ever felt safe.
The anxious person suffering from fear of abandonment needs the same thing. Needs to know he or she will not be judged or ridiculed, desires to be loved, accepted and embraced in love.
When he or she is acting out, this can look like a rant or a fit of rage, but in reality, it is only this person’s inner child crying out for love and connection.
Likewise, instead of berating or getting defensive, make eye contact in a loving and non-threatening manner, just as you would a little baby, reach out and hold him or her, let him or her know that they are loved unconditionally. And if it was something that you did to trigger this response assure him or her, “Hey, I can see that you’re upset. I’m so sorry. I never meant to do anything to hurt you. I would never intentionally do that. I am here for you. I love you. I am here for you.”
Again, if you are honest and true, your love will shine through in your actions, and this person might be able to feel safe and secure in your love.
The more secure he or she feels over time, the more infrequent the reactions will be.
And there is a third type of person who suffers from fear and abandonment. This one is the,
Having suffered trauma as a child, this person acts out more expressively, probably jumping to conclusions and making irrational accusations, over-reacting to circumstances and scenarios that might seem mundane to anyone else.
The traumatics are often their own worst enemy driving away those whom they desperately want to be loved by.
Again, just like everyone else, they are desperately in search of love and connection.
If you are brave and steadfast enough, your love can break through the protective walls they have built around themselves.
Love can be a dirty business, but there is no greater love than being the reason that someone has sincerely felt safe, secure and loved for the very first time.
If you want to connect, communication is the gateway to a deeper connection which will enhance the longevity and intimacy in any relationship, but before you expect to have a truly intimate connection, you must have these two things as your firm foundation. They are,
Before you can truly open up and expose those most intimate and private parts of yourself, exposing yourself far more than your naked body, you must be able to trust your partner.
Trusting your partner means that you feel as though you can rely on his or her performance, you know if he or she says something, you can expect it will come to pass based on your experience.
Not having trust, or breaking trust, can be destructive, even more damaging than an affair. Lack of trust destroys more relationships than affairs. Whether you’re unable to trust or be trusted, if there is lack of trust there will be no intimate, open and honest connection.
Besides, trust, you will also need an equal amount of,
Appreciation and Gratitude
Life is moving so fast, we can take our partner for granted, forgetting why we fell in love with this person in the first place, and things can just start to deteriorate. You must make time and find ways to express appreciation and gratitude if your relationship is going to not only survive but thrive.
If you’ve let the appreciation and gratitude slip in your relationship maybe it’s time to take action. You can start by asking yourself how your life might be if your partner was no longer in it. What might you miss?
Remembering all the sweet things about your partner that were so endearing in the beginning of your relationship could help take you back in time, feeling those original love vibrations, and when you come back to now, you can bring those vibrations with you into the present moment.
Having the firm foundation of trust, appreciation, and gratitude can give you the firm foundation to approach any situations or circumstances that may approach and/or threaten your relationship. Keep in mind that many challenges which threaten a relationship can come from within. In those moments you will need this foundation to successfully navigate your most
You know, this is when you’ve let something go for a while, and now it’s come to this. It’s time for you to have a serious talk before things go from bad to worse.
How can you best prepare for a crucial conversation?
Taking time to prepare for a crucial conversation will be highly beneficial. Every minute spent planning will eliminate 3 minutes of extraneous drama and unnecessary conflict.
1. Clearly Define Your Concern
Take a few minutes, or as long as necessary to clearly define what your concern is. Reduce it to its simplest, shortest and most concise form before even thinking about scheduling, “The Talk.”
Once you’ve done so, ask yourself if this is “Critical” or “Negotiable?” Your definition should come with the determination of knowing in advance if this is critical or a deal breaker, or negotiable, something that can be compromised. Most sources of relationship angst are comprised of the 97 percent of issues which left to themselves are really no big deal but because they’ve been swept under the rug the pressure has built to intolerable when a simple compromise could have avoided all that pain and disconnect.
If the concern is centered around the three percent of meaningfully important core issues that can destroy a relationship, then continuing to have a crucial conversation is prudent.
2. Look Within
In my experience with couples, more often than not when one partner is feeling a great deal of angst about the other partner, it is because he or she is reflecting back inadequacies of the complainant, who is refusing to see his or her shortcomings in the relationship.
You can avoid this step, experience all the drama and relationship breakdown, only to discover it later in counseling or relationship coaching, or you can head it off at the pass by asking yourself the question,
“How might I be doing the same thing?”
If you feel like you’re not getting something, you might be surprised to see that you’re not giving it. In the event that you realize this, you can avoid any unnecessary relationship drama by giving that which you desire. When you change and give what you want, your relationship changes and you start to get it in return.
If your inner search comes up empty, then you can continue to plan our talk.
3. Schedule an Appropriate Time and Place
Find out from your partner when would be the best time. Keep in mind that men are better equipped to have a serious conversation late in the afternoon, and not too late at night.
Give your partner the space that he or she needs to select a time that is good for him/her. Keep in mind, you may want to talk now, but tomorrow afternoon or this weekend might be better for your partner to properly engage in an important conversation.
Select a location that is not the “scene of the crime.” That is to say, for instance, if your concern is about sexual intimacy, do not conduct this crucial conversation in the bedroom, etcetera.
Side by side is an appropriate, non-threatening posture for a crucial conversation, rather than across from each other, which is more adversarial. Walking and talking (especially in nature) can be a healthy environment for an otherwise heavy conversation.
4. The Difficult Conversation
Start off by issuing a positive statement (or up to five declarations) about how important your partner is and how much he or she brings to the quality of life that you enjoy with your partner.
Then you can express what you need or want in its best possible light, such as, “It would mean so much to me, and I would be so full of love and gratitude, if you could…” (fill in the blank). Pick a statement that you feel comfortable but let it represent how it would make your heart soar, if only…
Avoid the use of apocalyptic fighting words, like, “You always,” and “You never.” Nothing good ever comes from a sentence which starts with either of those as they accuse and attack your partner, only promoting defensiveness. Plus, you know it’s not true. Rarely, if ever, is anyone “always,” or, “never.”
Avoid inviting the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to join your conversation. According to the Gottman Institute, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are (1) Criticism, (2) Contempt, (3) Defensiveness, (4) Stonewalling, and these are the primary predictors of relationship failure.
Remember, this not about me against you, or who’s right and who’s wrong. It’s about wanting love, to love and be loved in a manner which is pleasing and respective of both partners who desire to raise their love relationship to be the best it can be, and even more.
If your partner is male, try to avoid pushing him into a condition which is referred to as, “Emotional Flooding.” This is when they lose cognizance as their emotions take the driver’s seat. It’s a real thing, and they are likely to lose the ability to consciously rationalize and communicate as they are overwhelmed by rampant emotion.
What if it gets out of control?
You can take a “time out” and reel it back in.
It’s a good idea, when there is no conflict or need to have a serious talk, to establish a signal which can be offered up at any time by either partner, which indicates it is time to take a break. It can be as simple as making a timeout “T” symbol with your hands and actually saying, “Time out!” or some other signal or saying that you both can agree on.
Once this signal is initiated by either party, you both have pre-agreed to stop everything and take a ten to twenty-minute break. And if you want to maximize your time out, you can use this time effectively by writing. Write three things, what you’re frustrated about, what you think a good solution might be and a list of the things you absolutely love about your partner.
By now, you should be calmer, more centered, have a plan, and are ready to re-engage for love’s sake.
You are deserving of love, but it often does not come easy because we have so much negative self-talk that goes on behind the scenes that limit your ability to accept love. These love-limiting beliefs include phrases, like,
All men are “dogs” (or their shirt-tailed cousins, jerks, babies, cheaters, liars, losers, etc.) Nobody loves me, nobody cares I am broken and undeserving of love I will never have great love I can’t-do it, love is too hard If it’s not perfect, I don’t want it Love means one of you must give up everything
You might feel unworthy of love and/or feel like you must accept the plight of the martyr to have any hope of maintaining a “successful” relationship. You, just like anyone else, are totally deserving of love, and you might have the full potential to have it all in this moment in time, if you just reach out for it.
Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that your underserving or asking for too much. You’re not. And most likely, your partner desires to be there for you in a way that honors your highest and best love, if he or she only knew how.
It’s up to you to find ways to express your needs and desires and allow your partner to find ways to give you what you want in his or her own way.
Everyone deals with trauma and crisis differently. With me, and people like me, no one on the outside will ever know what we are going through. People like us, put on our happy face and keep going, regardless of the inner struggles we may be dealing with.
Because we would never concern others with our problems, when there are so many who depend on us for strength and our ability to deliver, follow through and execute, no matter what; and this is where we shine. We excel at being dependable and demonstrate relentless integrity.
This requires mountainous internal work behind the scenes, if there is any hope of continuing our pace of service to others, our communities, or the world at large.
Our inner struggles could be enormous, but we maintain an even keel for the greater good, even though inside,
I’m About to Explode!
And you don’t even know.
Thank God for those of us who are highly committed, dedicated to serving the greater good and on a higher personal spiritual path because we connect to (or create) resources for ourselves that enable us to push through life’s adversities, making our way safely to the other side. And no one is the wiser.
No one has any idea the deep inner work we go through, often alone, to make it to the next level, and this is the greatest gift of enlightenment and self-empowerment. We do this, and the greatest honor in maintaining this most personal sacred space, is finding that one person who wants to do likewise.
In our society, this attitude of individualized deep inner self-work is shunned.
Granted, their surface rationalization is a good one. They say, while solo inner work might be highly effective, so many people do not have the strength to survive the process; they end up more broken than when they started the process, may realize rapid decline in health, an increase of disease, and potential for committing suicide; all valid points.
Underneath this rationale exists a more sinister plot to control the mental health of individuals and the population en masse. Individuality is discouraged, and taking an individualized approach for one’s personal expansion or evolution is clearly a rejected concept due to the impossibility of being able to control one of these radicals, not to mention a world full of them.
The answer? Create social structures where we can contain them in their prisons, some with walls and others with invisible walls of containment, which we secretly control (or at least monitor and influence). This keeps us “in charge,” and we’ll use a bit of sleight-of-hand to make them think it’s their idea, and we’ll provide enough variety, diversity and opposing ideas to keep them polarized against each other to keep them from uniting, greatly reducing the threat it would create for our control, if they could unify, potentially taking down the entire system.
So, they let us have our own boxes of clinics, social programs, clubs, organizations, societies and religions to keep us moving in separate directions in groups, adding to the confusion. Only they are not confused, we are. They look at all of this as a perfect construct to keep us distracted in groups, focused and polarized against some other group.
They sit back in their easy chairs made of power, money and gold, and smile, high-fiving each other for a job well done.
But then there is me, and you, and others like us, who are seeing things from a different point of view for a change, and “change” is the name of the game.
We are willing to let it look like they’re controlling us, but they’re not.
We are on our own, individualized, highly personal path, and there’s nothing they can do about it.
Sure, they can try to extricate, exorcise or diagnose us with an incurable mental illness, such as individuality psychosis, and threaten us with mandatory medication, hospitalization, imprisonment or death, but we cannot and will not be stopped.
I can already hear the clamoring of those in opposition of this expanded, illusive, yet true freedom, and there are those who would ask questions, like,
“Aren’t you just trying to develop another ‘group’ not unlike those other groups you say are part of the problem?”
The answer is, both “Yes” and “No.” Yes, we are a group. No, we are not a group that sees ourselves (collectively or any single one of us) as separate from any other group(s), but a group of individuals including and transcending all members and all groups in an effort to be uniquely “one,” each of us as individuals, and “one,” together as a whole, which cannot and will not be confined, once critical mass is achieved.
There is a revolution coming and it is powered by the evolutionary power of individual hearts set ablaze for a better world.
Things are changing, and we are that change; one heart at a time.
Today, your Purpose Message Passion Mission (PMPM) is excited because you’re becoming aware of its existence.
Your PMPM is your reason for being here. No one knows it better than you, even though you may have covered it up (through no fault of your own, because our society is resistant to the idea of you having PMPM, and embracing it, is against everything that society stands for), it lays there dormant waiting for the day that you awaken to the possibility of it being there.
Today is the day you are awakening, even if only for the briefest moment of clarity, in this moment, you have knowingness that there is something more in this life. You’re contemplating the living of a life with meaning, a better life, possibly your best life, and thinking that you might be able to offer a contribution, maybe leave a legacy, and make the world a better place.
P – Purpose
Your purpose is the reason you came to this planet for the benefit of others, your family, the community, or the world at large. It is the culmination and expression of your gifts, talents and abilities which contribute to a better world. Your purpose will most likely include (but not be limited to) your message, your passion and your mission.
M – Message
Your message is a specific expression of words or thought which will cause others to think about a particular thing in a different, or from a more expansive, point of view, that could result in a paradigm shift, potentially affecting consciousness locally or worldwide. Your message may appear to be similar to someone else’s message but YOUR message will be so much more unique because it will be a reflection of you, the live you have lived and your voice which will be specifically attenuated to a particular audience (of one or more). I also refer to your message as your song, and encourage you to sing it.
P – Passion
No one knows more about your passion than you. It’s that activity that submerses you in The Zone, an alternate reality in time and space where you are thoroughly enveloped by what you love. When you are actively engaged in something that you are passionate about, everything else seems to fade away, as if nothing else matters, and even time seems to disappear as you do that thing which you are so passionate about. Passion is the fuel that powers your innate gifts, skills and abilities to degrees of empowered, successful performance, which is easily identifiable by others when you are demonstrating it. You might not even notice it, because it seems so natural, and you feel so good when you are engaging your passion.
M – Mission
Your mission is your particular task, or series of tasks to be performed throughout, or as the result of living, your life, here on planet earth. All of this is part of your life’s blueprint, and it is a pre-programmed part of your innermost being that has been with you since (or long before) the day you were born.
Are Your Ready for Your
Purpose Message Passion Mission (PMPM)?
Sometimes you are able to make it through life with your sense of purpose, message, passion and mission intact, but in most cases, you will have all but forgotten any of this by the time you are seven years old.
In fact, when I am working with a client, who is in search of their PMPM, most of the time all it takes is recalling the early years of their life, before they were seven years old. If they are able to do this, and remember what excited them, how they felt when they were there, in the moment of exhilaration of being aware of their PMPM, because in those early years, prior to being fully programmed (or having your PMPM psychologically removed or beat out of you) you knew who you were and what you were here for.
You are never more aware of your PMPM than at birth, but of course trying to keep it all together, make sense of it, or have the ability to express it is impossible. You have to wait until your body and your mind catch up, and as soon as you’ve gasped your first breath of air, the programming (or deprogramming) begins.
Regardless of what it takes, or how you do it, once you are able to identify and tune-in to your PMPM, then it’s up to you, whether you will fully engage in it, or not. You can choose not to, it’s what society has programmed you for, and what it expects from you.
On the other hand, that greater part of you, (call it whatever you want) God, the universe, your higher self, nature, or whatever, has never forgotten your PMPM and is hoping that you go for it.
I refer to it as God, as this is a safe and comfortable concept to me, and God is watching you so intently at this moment. God sees your heart, your blueprint, all your known and yet-to-be-revealed gifts, skills, special abilities and the treasure hidden within you waiting to be released…
I’m waiting; the whole world is waiting, to see if you’ve got the courage to do this thing.
When you’re reaching out to connect to people, then by all means do it.
In a society where connecting is more and more limited to less and less; that is to say less face to face communication and more electronic interaction, with less content. Today, we maintain such a high pace and level of activity, that we don’t have time for anyone else but that which we focus on.
What are we focusing on that is so important, and what do we have to show for it?
I don’t know; let me check how many people liked my last post?
It looks, to me, like there is some force at work in the background of our society to keep us so busy doing nothing and keeps us separated with an artificial sense of remaining connected. Whether there is any underlying purpose, or not, the fact of the matter is that our culture is changing, and it you want to connect with someone in a relationship, a business affiliation, or as part of a movement, you’re going to have to have a different approach.
Technology is definitely a part of how we connect, there’s no denying that, but do something more. Yes, connect with each other on social media, but If you want more out of this relationship than a tick on your social media account create a better connection by offering something of value.
I always try to leave someone better than when I met them, if I can. Encourage them, help them see the good in something they thought was not, give them something that could potentially change the way they previously thought about something, or help them imagine what a better life might look like.
None of this is tangible or costs you anything but a few moments of your time, yet can be extremely valuable. Value does not depend on your cash outlay, or a retail price, but more value is placed on things that touch our hearts, or make us feel something.
If you can leave them with something to touch that they can keep with them, even better. Even with business cards fading into the dark ages, I still think of them as a physical item that can be put in someone’s hand. It may have little or no value, but to remind them of you and your conversation (hopefully it was a good one). It doesn’t have to be a business card, it could be anything, a lucky penny or stone, a napkin with your name and email scrawled on it or something that might cause them to remember this meeting sometime after departure.
They may not reach out to you, but BRAVO, you’ve made a connection, one that has a potential of being more meaningful than a new Facebook “friend” or Twitter follower.
If I want to hear from someone again, I like to give them a reason to contact me; so I’m likely to ask them to do something that they can get back to me on. Most of the time, they don’t (not soon, anyway) but it’s given them something to think about, and it gives them an excuse to reach out to me and create an even more meaningful connection.
I hope the future of relationships is not on the brink of vanishing from the planet altogether. The good news is that people still desire connection, and they’re supporting it with their dollars. They are willing to pay to feel like they are a part of something, and “connection” is the only thing that businesses are effectively using to compete with the big corporations.
This is a very good sign that there is hope for connectedness in the future.
If you don’t believe me, just ask your hairdresser.
Reach out, connect face-to-face, give them a talisman, an invitation to follow up, and bless them.