Wrapping up the month of September, here’s a quick screen shot review of the month’s news. Let me know which ones you like the most. Thanks for your input, -David M Masters
Wrapping up the month of September, here’s a quick screen shot review of the month’s news. Let me know which ones you like the most. Thanks for your input, -David M Masters
|Reclaim Your Power||How to Tell When Someone is Lying||Guard Your Heart and Your Mind|
|Losing Your Energy Take It Back||DIY Life-Threatening Disease Elimination||My Partner and I are Growing Apart|
|Trends in Relationship Anxiety||Empathic Understanding||Who are You Insurmountable Odds?|
|How to Be a Blessing||Composite Hybrid Approach to a Better Life||Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing|
|Holistic Approach to Healthcare||Disenfranchised Grief||Making Sense of Wasted Love|
|Forgiveness It Ain’t Easy||Enjoy the Seventh Wave||Blossom Like a Rose|
|Have I Got a Deal for You…||Angel Encounters||How to Be a Nicer Person|
|People Click on the Darndest Things||You’ve Been Deceived Now What?||I Love You No Matter What|
|Free Gas Thanks Mike||Disappointed When Friends Let You Down||One POV vs Perspective|
|Sound of Expansive Evolution||Not Feeling It? No Prob. You Got This|
Sometimes in life, you find yourself entertaining people in your inner circle who are disrespectful, sneaky, underhanded or toxic. Dealing with people like this can drain you of your precious energy. You already know that if you identify an energy loss, you should put forth the effort to take it back.
When your energy loss is due to people in your circle of influence, there are steps that you can take to preserve your energy and take your power back, if you have let someone usurp their energy drain over your desire to preserve your own energy to enable you to live a better life, your best life, and make the world a better place.
Out of your own self-respect, without having to judge the person or people who are draining your energy, set boundaries to protect yourself. If someone keeps introducing drama into your life or dragging you into their emotional storms, draw the line there. Sure, if a friend is going through a tough time, you want to be compassionate and caring, but you must not allow them to drag you down, and steal your joy.
When you feel like someone is drawing you into their whirlpool of negative energy, excuse and remove yourself from the undertow and find a safe place to be. In real life, you might not be able to excuse yourself from your drama queen in the moment that you recognize you’re being swept away (for example, if you’re at work, etc.) then interrupt their state by asking them what he or she is going to do about it?
It’s likely that this question will catch them off-guard and interrupt the swell of negative energy. If the challenge is too much for them to handle, they are likely to change the subject, rather than accept the idea of concentrating on a solution. In this way, you can create space without having to remove yourself from the physical space. Changing the subject to a more positive one may be another way to distract them from their negative roll.
Take the high road when you find yourself in a negative entanglement with another person. I know, in the moment, you might fire off a negative comment or disrespectful accusation in defense of yourself. The more integrous response might be a kind, supportive, or understanding word, after a brief pause. Taking a few seconds (like the count of ten) to center yourself first, will give you a chance to have a thoughtful, heart-centered response, rather than an emotional defensive outburst.
If you find yourself focusing on a negative subject, stop it, and as soon are you’re able to refocus your attention on something joyful, or if the negativity is overwhelmingly pulling on your heart-strings, refocus your attention and intention on a solution to that which is causing you concern. You can use the negativity as fuel to relaunch your attention on a solution, the positive antithesis of the problem.
Let go of any expectation you might have about pleasing others. This is just too much burden for anyone to bear, and it will always leave you empty-handed by exerting your energy in trying to get any sense of feeling good about yourself by what others think or say about you.
The most powerful people in the world, are those who are tapped into their purpose, message, passion, and mission (PMPM) and focus their attention and energy within. People with less personal power are likely to focus outside of themselves seeking to blame anyone and anything for whatever it is they lack or don’t feel good about in their lives.
You, as a positive and powerful person, focus within. Everything that approaches you as a negative, makes you look at a positive, look for a different perspective, or seek a solution, while the negative person, just feels victimized by life.
If you care about someone who is stuck in a rut that is counter-productive to your energetic wellbeing, release them to follow their own path with your blessing. As much as you might care for someone, you cannot change them or fix the way they think or experience their life. It is not your responsibility, and you couldn’t do it if you wanted to. Only he or she can make the changes necessary to live a better life. Love them, but let them go.
Yes, they may find their own way to living a better life, and you can celebrate their victory with them, but this is something they can only do for themselves.
I know, you want to help other people, especially those of us who are in the help-industries. Let them do their own work. You cannot do it for them, nor would you ever be expected to. Empower them? Yes. Do it for them? No.
You realize that you are responsible for your own, health, wellness, love-filled life of joy and happiness.
Do not let others slow your roll.
In all areas of life, it is likely that you will run into an individual who is less than honest. There are so many ways for people to deceive, cheat, lie and steal, and if you’re not diligently paying attention, you might be swindled or betrayed by someone you’d considered as trustworthy.
This is not permission to go over the edge and be paranoid or adopting the extreme thought pattern that, “everyone’s out to get me,” only to be aware enough of your surroundings to be looking for clues that someone might be trying to put one over on you.
For a proficient or pathological liar, their ability to confidently state an all-out lie is unparalleled, so these tells may not be effective in getting to the truth from a cleverly deceptive liar. But other, “normal,” people will express some behaviors because they are not comfortable when lying.
Being aware means getting to know someone well enough to establish their baseline behavior in a normal non-threatening conversation. If you don’t know how a person acts like when their engaged in conversation about something they interested in, when they would have no interest in being deceitful, you do not have enough information to notice a change in their behavior, which is your first clue that something might be awry.
Body language will likely change when someone is being deceptive. If in a normal conversation, he or she looks you in the eye and his or her body faces you straight on, and in the present conversation, they are not making eye contact, or their body is now at a 45 degree angle, that could be an indication that something’s up.
Someone’s facial expression, or eye movement which is different from their normal pattern of communication could also indicate someone is being less than honest and open, or intentionally hiding something.
Yes means yes, and no means no. If you’ve asked a simple yes or no question and the person you’ve asked answers with a long drawn out story, and can’t seem to settle on a yes or no conclusion, this is a clear indication of deceit or coverup. If you want the truth, you might want to ask this person, “Is that a yes, or a no?”
If you notice some inconsistencies in someone’s delivery, it could be connected to some other life experience which would trigger a signal which could be interpreted as a sign of someone’s deceit. If you really want to get down to what’s going on (and risk getting too personal) you might want to ask more questions and drill down to make a better determination whether this person is lying to you, or if he or she connected your question to a life experience in their past, which caused him or her to react differently.
When you’ve completed your conversation, gathered whatever information they’ve had to tell you, and you’ve confirmed that he or she has nothing more to say, then watch their reaction when you ask them if everything they’ve told you is true.
This is another simple yes or no answer. An honest person may admit to some inconsistency or add information that was purposefully left out at this point, which after allowing them to speak their piece would indicate the need to ask again if that was everything, and if they are telling the truth, leaving you waiting again for a simple yes or no answer.
A deceptive person will dance all around “Yes,” or, “No,” citing all kinds of irrelevant information and/or confusing details, and once you’ve received your simple yes or no answer, you might be brazen enough to follow up with the infamous, “Why should I believe you?”
Again, if their reply is over the top, emotionally charged, or they offer up a liturgy of character references, appalled that you might challenge them in such a manner, it could be an indication that they are being deceptive or withholding important information or details.
While brief and incomplete, hopefully these key signals indicating that someone’s not being honest and open with you will help you in determining if you’re dealing with a deceptive person, or an otherwise honest person who is not being completely forthcoming.
Don’t get paranoid, but be aware.
As you may or may not know, there is a struggle going on in this world for control of your heart and your mind. The people who have a glimmer of an idea about who or what might be responsible for this subversive attack on your heart and your mind, doesn’t really matter because trying to figure it all out can be a daunting task and a distraction that leaves your heart and your mind open to more disconnection from you.
The most important thing is not the why. Asking the question, “Why?” is the secret weapon of those who desire to control your heart and your mind. Back in the eighties, I started talking about The Greatest Conspiracy. Admittedly, there are many conspiracies, but the greatest conspiracy of all can be reduced to this: Social Engineering.
Social engineering represents the knowledge, training, and system of thought-programming we are all subject to from the time we take our first breath, and all of it is cleverly and effectively designed to control your heart and your mind.
In the current evolution of mankind on planet earth, there is a breaking free from this social programming, and for the first time in thousands of years, people are starting to evolve individually and think for themselves, free from control of the engineers.
Even with all this evolution taking place, the social engineers are hard at work to disrupt the evolutionary process. I know you’re wondering, “How?” which is nearly as an effective tool of the engineers as, “Why?”
“Why” or “How” something happens outside of yourself, takes the focus from the connection of your brain and your heart, disconnects it momentarily for processing data which is whirling outside of you. The more this distraction is entertained, the more the engineers prevent your evolution.
The evolutionary process which is longing to be experienced by the human race is the most precious connection of all, the private connection of your heart and your mind. Once this connection is maintained and allowed to expand, the whole world, the entire universe, expands and you expand with it, energized by the power that created it all.
If you’re being exposed to this for the first time, it can be a bit overwhelming, so don’t worry about it too much. Stay focused on yourself and start finding a way to initiate original thought, and see what happens. It’s uniquely different for everyone.
Once you have this breakthrough and begin to have original thought (we refer to this as “awakening”), the battle for control of your heart and your mind is on. If you have the intention to continue to allow your own evolutionary process, you must
As you become more aware of what’s really happening all around you, you can see that you are bombarded by powerful distractions of all kinds that break any potential you might have of maintaining focus on your connection between your mind and your heart.
So, it becomes an important part of your evolution and expansion to usurp your control over the powers that be in the battle for your heart-centered individuality, to protect yourself from being distracted and controlled by the engineers.
Media, data, and information are the most powerful weapons wielded by the engineers, and you know you’ve had more access to these weapons than ever, and as long as you’re plugged-in the engineers are confident that you are thoroughly immersed in their control.
If you really want to supercharge your personal growth and evolution, you might consider taking a media hiatus. I know it sounds crazy, but try it. See if you can take a break from your devices and the media-feed of the establishment. Start with an hour of uninterrupted separation from all media, then work up from there.
Be aware that it will not be easy because the media is designed to activate the most powerful parts of the brain which release the same addictive brain’s chemicals also triggered by the most addictive drugs known to man.
Breaking free of this addiction and guarding your heart and your mind is the only hope you have of continuing your evolution and expansion to achieve your highest and best, live a better life, your best life and make the world a better place.
You have everything you need to break free. You brought it with you to this planet. The engineers have done everything they can to keep you from realizing that you have these powerful tools and abilities lying dormant within you… But as you awaken, so does the power which is your authentic birthright.
Get ready for your most amazing journey which awaits you, for a better world, and know even though your journey is highly individualized, there are many other people all around you who are also awakening, so you are not alone.
And once this evolutionary awakening hits critical mass, mankind will finally be free, truly free indeed.
You’re growing and changing, making radical progress, but you feel like you’re losing your edge, your momentum is slowing and you feel like you’re losing your grip. You know you’ve got to find the energy to keep going because you know if you let go, all your hard work will have been for not. It’s time to stop losing your energy take it back.
While you’ve tried to keep focused on your position and keep moving upward and onward, you may have found yourself letting others drain your energy, or maybe you have consciously given away your precious energy reserves. In either case, it’s alright. You can reclaim your lost energy, recharge and get going again.
There are many ways to experience energy drain, one is to let others get to you. When you’re feeling uncomfortable, upset, angry, or disgusted about anyone or anything in your circle of influence, it not only distracts you from your mission, but it drains your precious energy reserves. It is important to acknowledge the situation, if you must, let it go, and move on. In a sense, saying, “Oh well… I care but not too much.”
If you let someone be responsible for negatively affecting your state of mind, you have given them control over you. Stop doing it; take full responsibility and control of your own state and preserve your energy.
If you’re needing support or compliments from others to make you feel good, attractive, or feel as though your life is worthwhile, then you become dependent on others for fuel which is fleeting. Your true power and energy comes from within, not from others. The trap, here, which potential can overdraw your energy account, is if you fall into the pleasing of others to make you feel better about yourself, you will not only be distracted, but you will also be watching your energy go down the drain.
Unforgiveness is a black hole that feeds on your energy. If you’re harboring bad feelings about someone or something that has mistreated or robbed you from feeling good about yourself, you must let it go, or else be a slave to that person or circumstance forever. Forgiveness is the only way to repair the damage.
Set boundaries to limit how people can have access to your feelings and your life. If someone is constantly dragging you down, holding you back, or leading you astray, establishing firm boundaries and enforcing them can protect you from letting these kinds of people drain your energy. You have the responsibility for creating and monitoring your own boundaries concerning other people and their access to your physical, mental and spiritual states.
While significant energy loss can be exhausting, constantly being aware of who you are and why you are here, will help you preserve your energy and keep you focused. Knowing and honoring your purpose, message, passion, and mission (PMPM) will help you discern when it’s time to limit someone’s access who may be draining your precious energies.
Even though you feel like you’re losing your grip, or losing ground, not to worry (worry is another energy drain) just survey your surroundings. Be objective as you evaluate your situation, while monitoring what is going on all around you, then make the changes you need to make to keep the energy you need to keep going on. Keep in mind increasing your passion can build up the additional energy necessary to move you further, faster, more productively and with even greater results.
See also: Reclaim Your Power.
This is your journey. It’s up to you to see that you stay faithful and true.
Having recently witnessed yet another elimination of a life-threatening disease, I am reminded of how incredible our bodies and the planet which surrounds us like a warm blanket on a winter’s day are. When they are allowed to work at their highest potential in concert for the greater good, nothing can thwart their natural and grandiose power with a grace and elegance that only leaves me in shock and awe at the perfect design of it all.
How magnificent our bodies are in their natural ability to repair, rejuvenate, regenerate and defeat any disease or malady, if empowered to operate at full capacity, and if you need a little help from outside yourself to support the process, we are surrounded by natural substances that make up Mother Nature’s natural pharmacy, available to us 24/7.
While more and more doctors are awakening and realizing that there is more to healing than making the big bucks signing people up for expensive surgeries and prescribing Big Pharma’s patented medicine, people are taking responsibility for their own health and self-healing using alternative medicine and natural remedies.
Is it easy? No.
Your body, as incredible as its potential to heal itself is, has basically been reprogrammed since birth to be incapable of healing itself, making it dependent on the chemical incarnations of natural elements, the corporations, and staff which administer them.
So, if you’re thinking about taking personal responsibility for your own health, wellness and defeating of disease, even including the most horrible life-threatening challenges, you will need to take the proactive approach of building your body’s natural ability to heal itself. If your body has its natural ability to self-heal restored, it can do the work it was designed to do, on its own; what an amazing design all of this is.
And it happens all around us every day. I have been fortunate enough to know some of the people who have taken a holistic approach to healthcare defeating their own life-threatening diseases. They have emerged on the other side of their death sentence, with outstanding health, enhanced quality of life, and longevity.
Yesterday, another joins the ranks of the many who have looked death in the eye and put the Grim Reaper on notice, “Mother Nature and I are gonna kick your ass!” and they do.
Befuddled doctors all say the same thing, “It must have been a misdiagnosis,” blaming botched tests, or alternatively, “a miracle.” Although, even among this exclusive club of the medical community, there are a growing number of them who are awakening and taking note of the magnificence of the self-healing human body, as well as the natural elements which surround us, as if they were gifts of God, all provided in perfect harmony to support the melody of our lives.
Those who have healed themselves of catastrophic maladies know better. Their new lease on life was not a misdiagnosis, miracle, or accident of any kind. They healed themselves by exiting the flow of the mob and cleared a path through nature to healing and wellness, which few others dare to consider.
I too, have allowed my body to deteriorate and become dependent on the chemistry which I’ve been force-fed since birth, but now, I am joining the burgeoning ranks of the natural nutcases which are living life in a different way, a better way, embracing the magnificence and power of a brilliantly conceived and engineered closed system, where God has provided everything we need to achieve our highest and best, live a better life, our best lives, and make the world an even better place.
Maybe even you might be interested in the concept that you, too, could heal yourself.
What happens when one of my clients is growing and changing, taking on a new perspective and the world by storm, and his or her partner is not? It’s not uncommon for the one who is doing all the changing to feel as though he or she and his significant other are growing apart, starting to predict the end of the relationship.
First of all, you need to determine if you and your partner are growing apart, or one is growing and the other is not so much. If you are growing and changing in one direction and your partner is growing and changing in another direction, yes, it would appear that you are growing apart. If this is the case, it might still be workable, because you can move in a similar direction in different ways, which can create opportunities for exponential growth down the line, if you can play off or and encourage each other.
On the other hand, the truth of what I see predominantly is couples that have one partner growing and changing, making giant leaps and bounds, and when he or she looks to his or her partner for support or encouragement, all that comes back is the classic eye-roll, or passive (if not sarcastic), “Oh, that’s just great.”
That’s when you feel like, “This is not working.” Asserting, “My partner doesn’t care about my growth,” (personal, spiritually, or both) feeling as though you are growing apart and your partner could care less about joining you on the journey you’ve chosen for yourself. So, your initial thought is that you’re not being supported, or you’ve been rejected, and feel as though, “I can’t live like that.”
If you’re feeling unsupported or rejected by your significant other, be aware that this has nothing to do with your partner at all; it’s all you. Even with all your growth up to this point, you are still harboring the fear of being unsupported and fear of rejection. These fears are coming up as an indication in your life that these fears must be dealt with if you are to move to the next level.
Sure, you can circumvent these fears altogether and end the relationship, abandoning your partner, and continuing your growth solo, or you can choose to take this opportunity to face your fears, promoting your growth even more.
Maybe it’s time to step back and take a look at what is happening from a perspective outside of yourself, possibly reframing the scenario, altering the details enough to keep your feelings disengaged so you can be more objective. Something like,
Imagine a couple has come to you for advice and they’ve told you that they love each other but one of them has gotten a promotion and in order to continue his or her growth with the company, he or she must work from an office 300 miles away from home. Chances are, you are not going to advise that he or she takes the promotion, move away, and end the relationship. Why?
I think, if you could be objective about it, you would suggest a way to renegotiate the promotion, or find a way to compromise or further encourage the growth of the couple through this exercise to find a win-win solution which will enhance the relationship, having moved through this process and conquering this challenge together.
Following this process, you might consider applying this advice to your own relationship. Though I would also challenge you to consider that you’ve also just made a huge mistake which is common for everyone who is on a path of discovery, who has discovered or experienced something that is not fully embraced by your social circle (especially those people closest to you), you have become a self-righteous hypocrite.
Sounds bad, but you have just joined the ranks of all the ego-centric narcissists who have paved similar paths for themselves. Good luck with that.
As harsh as it sounds, your ego has taken control of your life, and you’re starting to feel superior when comparing yourself to others. You’re judging others who are not in lock-step with you and thinking about (if you haven’t already done so) isolating yourself from your circle of influence, asserting your own personal needs and desires over others who are incapable of seeing things clearly from your perspective.
This is hardly tolerance or love; in fact, it is quite the opposite. You’ve let your fear overshadow all you have worked for, and we all know that the path to the dark side is paved with the best intentions.
Tolerance would suggest that everyone is on their own journey, they are not broken, and honors each person’s right to their own perspective and station in life without judgment. Yet here you are, passing judgment on the person (if not the people) closest to you.
Love, of the unconditional variety, would dictate that you love the person you’ve aligned yourself with unconditionally, regardless of what he or she thinks about the path you’ve selected for yourself.
Your lover is not under any obligation to follow you on your journey, because your journey is not for your mate, even though you both could learn, find value, and deeply benefit from your decision to do so.
It is upon you to love your partner, to create sacred space in your lives together, where you can share and abide in safety and security without the fear of abandonment. Honoring your mate implies that you respect his or her right to their own opinions and defend his or her right to do so, from both others and yourself, without judgment.
After all, aren’t we all just doing the best we can with what we have?
If you are able to take the high road, you may find that your partner is paying far more attention than you think. It’s not unlike your response to a new business opening in town. It is unlikely that you are not going to frequent that business on opening day or support it regularly in the beginning. It may take many exposures to advertising and your regular review for a period of time to see if the proprietor’s venture is worthy of your attention and support, or just another flash in the pan.
How many times have you been aware of a new business who has caught your attention but prior to stepping foot into the establishment, you notice the business has not survived, the owner has collected his or her things and gone home. The business has closed and the space is available for lease.
The possibility exists that your love interest is paying attention to every move you make, watching you very intently, to see if your transformation is real and longstanding, or just a passing phase.
It is quite common for a partner to tarry, while keeping a close eye on their partner, to see for themselves if this is the real deal.
Once they have faith in your growth, metamorphosis, and evolution, they will join you on your journey, making your dream for a supportive synergistic love life come true.
It’s on you to create, allow and protect the sacred space necessary to make it happen.
Relationships can be hard. In fact, it’s said that relationship that are the hardest to work through tend to be the best. If you don’t find yourself believing that, do a little research on twin flames. Though relationships can be difficult, and one might think, “It shouldn’t be this hard.” It might be advantageous to look at the latest trends in relationship anxiety.
If relationships were easy, a lot of counselors and attorneys would be bankrupt, as well as many other industries and programs which are supported by relationship anxiety.
In my work with couples, I see particular trends which seem to come up. The mix changes from time to time, but they all seem to come in groups of waves. This year, it seems like there is a pattern representing a group eight recurring issues that may be a source of friction, breakdown, or relationship anxiety.
While a partnership between two people should encourage each partner to grow and change, sometimes this growth and change can lead to a separation, where the independence of each partner overshadows the union or togetherness, and they find themselves drifting apart, as they traverse different roads. In this case, the best decision might be to put an end to the confines of the relationship and each goes their own way with God’s blessings.
Even though the trends in relationship anxiety might indicate the end of an era, resulting in the total loss of the relationship, any relationship can be restored to its full potential, with the commitment, and diligence of both parties recognizing the problems and doing the work of reparation.
The trends in relationship anxiety of the day appear to be,
When one of the partners is doing most of the work of keeping the relationship together, while the other just seems to coast along, this indicates there’s trouble ahead. A relationship is a two-way street. For it to work efficiently, both partners should be vested, ready and willing to do the work of maintaining connection and managing the relationship. Solo relationship management will result in the deterioration of the relationship and the one who has put forth the greater effort will feel the most pain in the end.
In a healthy relationship, two people hold each other up and support each other emotionally. When the support of your partner is waning, you can bet so is his or her connection to you. This is apparent, and you’re able to recognize it with your feelings. You don’t feel like your partner isn’t supporting you, or lacks interest in those things that make your heart sing which you are deeply passionate about, you’re feeling more isolated, and you are. If your passions cannot find reconnection when you first feel this drifting apart, it may not be salvageable in the future.
In the hierarchy of values which exist within a relationship, you need to be number one, just as your partner needs to be your number one priority. Certainly, in a healthy relationship each participant has their own independent lives they live, but in their togetherness, the other partner is the priority, and in keeping with this perspective decisions which are made should contain the weight of how your partner might feel about this or that. Taking you partner’s perspective into consideration is important, for without it… If your partner is making decisions without taking you into consideration, this will lead to a falling away, as he or she finds other interests which are more interesting and your station within your partner’s life fades to nothing as he or she spends more time with his or her hobbies, friends, coworkers, etc.
Trust is the backbone of any relationship. Without trust, what do you have? Nothing. The way you bolster trust and integrity with strength and honor is to make a promise and keep it. Broken promises are the enemy of trust. Your word is your bond. If you say you will do something, do it. If not, be honest upfront and say you just can’t see yourself doing it. If your partner is continually falling short, and you’re feeling more and more frustrated, thinking about his or her “lies” (which they may not be) don’t think it’s going to get better. You can’t change him or her. That’s the way your partner is wired. If you can’t accept that, it might be worth setting a firm boundary, that you refuse to be treated like that, and move along. Or you could just accept that’s how your partner is and try to accept and ignore it as best you can. Can he or she change? Certainly, but it won’t have anything to do with you. People only change for their own reasons (if it’s to be lasting change).
This is a growing trend in the deterioration of relationships. It’s difficult to predict the effect technology will have in the future based on how our relationship with our devices appear to be overshadowing our face-to-face encounters and authentic connection with others. If your partner favors his or her phone or other devices over you, this is definitely cause for concern. Both of you spending a lot of time plugged into your devices seems like an insignificant distraction at first but the first one to break out of this techno-trance sees the price that was paid when he or she discovers that your human connection has lost its meaning.
We all have our lives, our intimate private details which we keep safely locked away in our psyches, but if you or your partner are keeping secrets from each other so as to keep things on an even keel, this will backfire when the truth comes to light. In the most healthy relationships, there is an openness and honesty, even intimating difficult details and circumstance. We all realize there will be bumps in the road, but sharing and caring about them and keeping them on the table, openly discussed, makes all the difference. This level of communication can make a couple grow stronger while keeping secrets causes separation, each one disconnecting you a little more.
We all know it’s healthy to have a little time with our friends, a girl’s or guy’s night out, but when these soirées take priority over your significant other, your significant other loses his or her significance. N’est-ce pas? Togetherness must include some being together and it’s important to schedule time together in those times when you’re not under bondage to some more important commitment (like a job, let’s say). If you’re spending more of your available hours with others, don’t be too surprised when your partner packs his or her bags. This will happen if your partner is feeling as though you care about others more him or her. And if you’re hearing about your partner’s hopes and dreams of the future, and you’re not hearing how you factor into all of that, there’s a reason; he or she does not see you as a part of his or her future.
All of us have a little narcissist inside, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. But if your partner is only all about himself or herself, then you know there’s going to be trouble ahead. All that, “Oh, I don’t want to eat this, I want to eat that,” which was so cute in the beginning is starting to get old, and since then there’s been so much piled atop the heap of selfishness, like, what television programming or movies to watch, what and where you eat, vacation destination and activities. A relationship is give-and-take, not take-take-take. If your partner’s interests are often self-centered, he or she is not into you.
Keep in mind, these trends in relationship anxiety are just food for thought. They don’t mean you should bail out of the relationship altogether. These trends only indicate the most frequent issues I have been seeing as being problematic sources of relationship anxiety in my work with couples. Left to themselves, yes, the relationship will fail but if these issues are addressed and worked on, overcoming such obstacles could lead to the greatest relationship of all.
But it takes two.
Connection via empathetic understanding is the real connection between two people and is the most endearing act of love and honor which one can present to another. This connection is the most meaningful part of any relationship. You know it. You remember when you’ve felt it. When your friend finishes your sentences, when you’ve had a strong bond with a teacher or mentor, you felt connected, understood.
You know this. Yet, surprisingly, I see a lack of empathetic understanding as the underlying indicator of trouble ahead in the most important relationships, between lovers. Maybe you felt a connected and/or understood in the beginning (though that was likely a more powerful driving force than connection) but after a while, you realize that the connection you felt was simply you projecting your desire to be connected and understood onto your partner.
When you’re in the projection mode, you see everything interpreted through your special lens which is rose-colored and sees synchronicity in all things. Following the passing of time, things that used to be “cute” are becoming annoying, and you’re no longer feeling as though you are connected or understood, as you once thought you were.
When you’re projecting your feelings onto your interpretation of another person, you feel as though they are feeling your feelings, even when no such connection exists.
It is this feeling of another’s feelings that Stephen Covey refers to as his, “Habit number 5: Seek first to understand then to be understood” in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. This is the connection which exemplifies the highest integrity and connection between two people, whether used in business relationships, or more importantly, at home. It is a powerful connection which promotes and deepens respect, trust, and intimacy.
This simple method of joining the worlds of two people into a united vision felt by two is the secret of the most successful relationships. Sometimes it just happens organically, and the two people don’t even know they are doing it. For the rest of us, we need to first understand the concept before we can even think about attempting such a thing. And it’s on you to proactively take the first step.
Understanding is not giving advice, being over-protective, or fixing things for another person. Empathetic understanding is simply the process of actively listening, inviting them to dig deeper, and even more deeply, until they have gotten it all out, while you are using your imagination to feel what it might be like to be in that other person’s shoes, empathizing with him or her.
If you’re unaccustomed to this higher level of listening, it may take some practice. Creating a safe and sacred atmosphere can be an important component when someone is sharing something close to their heart, so eliminating distractors, such as the TV, music playing in the background, or retreating to a place where more privacy can be established are excellent ways to honor your partner’s sharing.
Nodding your head and looking them in the eye indicates you’re listening, while you are resisting your inclination to interrupt or interject when they are sharing. Let them speak their piece and listen carefully. When they pause, simply try to restate what they just said in your own words, starting with, “Let me see if I get what you’re saying…”
Then ask them if there’s anything more they’d like to say about that? And let them continue. Repeat this as many times as necessary, until they’ve announced that’s all they have to say.
Rather than give in to the urge to counsel or help him or her fix something your partner is concerned about, after first imagining what he or she might be feeling, feeling it as though you were feeling them yourself, offer up validation of your partner’s feelings. Something like, “Wow, you must have felt devastated.” And allow them to either agree with you or reclarify what they are feeling about what they were sharing. If they reclarify, imagine what it would feel like from that perspective.
If you have different opinions about something like your partner was terrified by a ride at the amusement park and you found it exhilarating, you can validate your partner’s feelings while agreeing to allow each other the right to their own experience. For instance, you might say, “I can feel how terrified you must have been on that ride,” (empathy, and continue) “but I was having the time of my life.” It’s okay to have different points of view, but very important to deeply understand where your partner is coming from and honor them by allowing them to have their experience any way they want to.
If they’ve intimated their story to you devoid of feelings, it might be helpful to lightly probe and encourage them to share their feelings by simply asking, “How did that make you feel?”
I think you’re ready to take your relationship to the next level.
What you do every day defines you, exponentially overshadowed by who you are and what you do when facing insurmountable odds. Who are you insurmountable odds?
When all hope is lost and you feel like you just can’t go on… There is hope. It may only a glimmer of the slightest otherwise failing ember, but it is there, waiting for you to reignite the flame.
Who you are and what you do in the face of insurmountable odds further defines you influencing your capacity to be an inspiration for others in their most challenging moments, possibly raising your status to legendary.
Though who you are and what you do when facing those critical, pivotal moments in life are not about others, it’s about you. Even so, when it seems like there is no energy to draw from left within you, thinking about how your actions might affect the community at large, people you know, your family, or your children may be the catalyst to afford you a second wind.
Somewhere from within, you are able to find the strength to take a deep cleansing breath, you re-center yourself yes, you utter, “It’s all I can stands, and I can’t stands no more.”
This can be the turning point in your story. If you think about the greatest stories, don’t they feature the main character facing insurmountable odds? Just as when you’re reading a book or watching a film, this is often the most exciting part of the story, right?
Well, this is your story. You are writing your story from moment to moment every day. You make 35,000 decisions every day. That’s 35,000 times you can influence the direction your story takes.
You are living your story right now, and you are the star, of what very well could be The Best Story Ever! It’s up to you. How will you decide to write your story?
What do you do when you face the most difficult circumstances, when it appears that all hope is lost?
You can be miles ahead in the game of facing challenges and obstacles which may appear to be overwhelming if you have a strong sense of who you are, your Purpose, Message, Passion, and Mission (PMPM).
By reviewing your most meaningful personal motivators with love, strength, and honor, it will help dictate what the next steps should be in accordance with your purpose, message, passion, and mission. You will be able to ascertain what your character (you) should do in those moments when facing insurmountable odds.
To support you in those times when you feel you just can’t go on, you should be able to draw upon a wealth of experience where you have been faithful and true in the little things. This is the character-building actions you take every day that strengthens your resolve and stores up for you hidden treasures of integrous and powerful resources which you can call upon when the going gets tough.
Your diligence and commitment to follow through in small things regularly builds your discipline and determination. It is the faithfulness to do the small things, even when you don’t feel like it, or you’re unable to recognize a particular value in what you’re doing, that builds your resilience and strength of character; your ability to do the right thing. These are invaluable resources when facing the life’s biggest challenges.
When you are exercising diligence, you are working through the discomfort, and developing a vibratory state which you can work within which enables you to continue to do the right thing, regardless of the extraneous circumstances. It may not seem like much when you’re practicing this every day, but when it matters most, you will find yourself courageously and powerfully prepared to deal with the most difficult issues when they arise, all do to your developed skill of entering a state of productivity which cannot be shaken by external circumstances.
Your integrity will help in being true to your word. You said it, so it is. If you’ve made a commitment, you said you will do something, you will do it, come hell or high water, and you expect nothing less from those who are on your team. If you have a team, you hold each other accountable with the highest levels of integrity.
If all things are possible, then the real question is, “Who are you in surmountable odds?”
This is your story.
You are the hero.
So hero up.