June, 2018 | David M Masters

Evildoers and Hypocrisy

My mother used to say, “All the deepest, darkest, most dangerous souls hide undercover in churches.” When the secret crimes began to come to light regarding activities covered up by the Catholic church, my mother and millions of other people, felt justified and vilified in their accusations of the church secretly providing safe harbor for evildoers.

As easy as it might be to point your finger at the church, the breaking news is not as dramatic as it may seem, especially with all the drama and exploitation fueling the fire in the media. The news is not so impressive if you look at the facts. Statistics dictate that any group of any size will have a certain percentage of evildoers.

It doesn’t matter where you look. Where ever you look, in religious organizations, educational institutions, State agencies, Government departments, military installations, corporations, businesses, non-profit organizations, or anywhere else where you find a number of people working together, you will find evil.

The Catholic church is an easy target because it is a very large organization but you will find the same percentage of evil in the same proportions per capita just about anywhere.

Why? Because none of us is without sin. Each and every one of us has the potential for evil within.

Some of us fight any tendency toward darkness than others for various reasons.

Some of us, due to early awareness and observation of others engaged in different forms of evil, made a vow to ourselves to not live that kind of life. If that is you, you are careful to watch for signs which might indicate that you may be headed down the wrong road, and you are quick to make adjustments so as not to fall into the trap of evildoing which you are focused on not falling victim to.

For others, maybe they have dipped their toe in the waters of evildoing, have let themselves be overcome by the darkness, then sworn to change their lives, and fight the inclination to engage in this activity of darkness again.

In either case, you have a particular sensitivity to this particular form of evil (due to your vow to avoid it) and you are keenly aware of seeing the potential for this evil in others. If you see someone else break weak and give-in to this evil vice, then you are prone to adopting an aire of supremacy or self-righteousness because you’ve worked so hard not to partake in this type of evil.

You feel justified in judging your brother, and you judge him or her harshly because you would judge yourself just as harshly, and desire to see the offender punished to the highest degree of the law (or might even toy with your own unbridled thoughts of vigilantism, fantasizing about how you might punish the wrongdoer if you were, judge, jury, and/or God).

What you fail to realize, when you are apt not to tolerate much, in this not so far from narcissistic-state, is that as you are pointing your accusatory and judgmental finger at someone, there is someone else who is pointing his or her finger at you who sees the potential for evil in you.

Hypocrisy gets me in an uproar. I’m always quick to notice it in others because I try so hard not to be a hypocrite myself. Yet, every once in a while, someone points out my own hypocrisy (this just happened yesterday by a friend of mine, who is always quick to catch me and point it out to me). And once I feel offended by the accusation (which is my natural first response), I can step back and see even my own hypocrisy. My friend was right. I am a hypocrite.

I couldn’t see it because I was looking for different kinds of hypocrisy in myself and others. Duely noted, I can try to do better next time.

Just a reminder in humility and a reality check for myself that I, being human, possess all the potential for evil as anyone does. All I can do is to be the best person I can be with the tools that I have available to me. I can impose my sense of goodness, or right and wrong, on anyone else, unless to be fair, I allow them to do the same to me.

Though I possess all the potential for evil and hatred, I choose to live a life on the other end of the spectrum in goodness and love to the best of my ability and encourage others to do likewise.

I strive to honor others, where they are at and what they do, offering them the same respect that I desire to receive from them.

Regarding judging others, one of my heroes speaking to a self-righteous judgmental mob accusing a woman of doing evil, said, “He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone at her.” ~ John 8:7 KJV

A profound statement that echoes in my heart, when I find myself tempted to point my finger at someone else.

See you at the Recovery from Religious Trauma Event in Olympia, September 21st

Top 30 Minds Silenced

Kids who are different, kids who are “bad,” may be the most special kids of all, the hope for a brilliant future, if we could only let them flourish and grow into the potentially most amazing minds contributing to a wildly better world.

Some of the most amazing minds in history were rebellious or abused children, or kids who would have been labeled with certain “disabilities” in our modern day, medicated into compliance, institutionalized, or potentially never survived long enough to make their contribution.

What is the price humanity is paying for attempting to control the quality of our children, so that they are easier to manage, control, more similar, or “normal?”

We put those unruly little curmudgeons into special classes, and schools to train them to be more controllable, keep them in fear of persecution or prosecution for being “different”, and develop new ways to subsidize their submitting themselves to veritable “invisibility”, or institutionalize them for noncompliance.

Drugging our children to turn them into compliant zombies does lighten the load on teachers and educational administrations, but at what cost?

What if we rolled back the clock and imposed this method or forsaking the uniquely individual child for the ease of managing larger numbers of compliant children en masse?

Then we would have missed out on the benefits we all enjoy due to the new ideas and thoughts that were bestowed upon us by the most amazing minds in our history.

For instance, take a look at these 30 minds, which would have been dumbed-down, drugged-out, or otherwise silenced by today’s standards:

Top 30 Minds Silenced

1. Alexander the Great
2. Hans Christian Andersen
3. Aristotle
4. Beethoven
5. Alexander Graham Bell
6. Andrew Carnegie
7. Lewis Carroll
8. Winston Churchill
9. Leonard Da Vinci
10. Charles Darwin
11. Emily Dickinson
12. Walt Disney
13. Thomas Edison
14. Albert Einstein
15. Henry Ford
16. Galileo
17. Vincent van Gogh
18. George Frederick Handel
19. Thomas Jefferson
20. John F. Kennedy
21. Abraham Lincoln
22. Michelangelo
23. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
24. Sir Isaac Newton
25. Norman Rockwell
26. Anna Eleanor Roosevelt
27. Nikola Tesla
28. George Washington
29. Orville and Wilbur Wright
30. Woodrow Wilson

To live in a world without the influence of just these 30, of some of the greatest minds of our time, would hardly be conceivable. Yet, minds, just like these, are being silenced every day as we medicate and segregate our children by modern methodologies.

The world we live in, today, is vastly different than the world we lived in, in the past. In many ways, this strange new world has presented us with unimaginable possibilities, especially when compared to the world where these 30 minds lived their lives.

While it is different and more advanced, what have we sacrificed for the benefit of those social engineers tasked with the management of the human race?

Do you feel like you are a more independent thinker?

And if you to think that you are an independent thinker, do you think that someone “out there” may have convinced you of those thoughts which you think are your own?

May those thoughts have been carefully placed there to more easily manage you?

Are we all just mice racing through a craftily constructed maze?

Might we be perpetuating this madness by imposing behavioral restrictions and segmentation of our children?

Are our rebellious children, or the ones who don’t fit in with their peers, potential geniuses?

I believe that even the most awkward of our children, the ones that face the greatest challenges, those who are diagnosed as, “disabled,” hold within their hearts and minds the keys to a greater world. A world so great, that there are others who may be afraid of its unfurling before us.

I live in this world, and in many ways, I play along… but I know that something grander lies just over the horizon, and a new day is dawning.

Just for Kids

If you’re a kid, and someone is trying to make you be something you know in your heart of hearts that you know you are not. Think about finding someone to talk to, who might be able to help you. Do not let anyone tell you that you are anything less than perfection, because the truth is: God doesn’t make junk.

You were made to be different, not just another face in the crowd. If you don’t fit in, great! That means you’re on the right path. You are special.

You are perfect, just the way you are. Maybe not perfect for the situation you are in, right now, but you, yourself are the perfect you. The most perfect that you could be at every moment of every day.

Will you make mistakes? Yes. Will you face challenges that sometimes feel like it’s just too much for you to handle? Yes. We all do. And we just keep on going. Just do the best you can with what you have. It’s all anyone of us can do.

Every step you take makes you better, stronger, and more prepared for your bright future.

Don’t lose sight of who you really are. One day, when the time is right, your light will shine.

You are amazing. We are so blessed that you are here, and we can’t wait for all the great things you have (or will have) to share with us.

We love you, no matter what.

The Perfect Relationship

The perfect relationship looks like what?

If there were such a thing as the perfect relationship it would be the joining of two people who love unconditionally, honor, and respect each other fully for what they have in common, shared goals, individual goals, and passions, celebrating each other’s differences and helping each other do the deep inner work.

While the previous paragraph seems acceptable on the surface, it is a challenge which only the chosen few can even conceive of let alone accept or attempt to embrace.

Imagine what it might be like to love unconditionally. That means, “I love you no matter what.” No matter what you say, no matter what you do, I love you. Marianne Williamson calls it, “Love for no reason.” There is no, “I love you if…” for that is love for a reason. Unconditional love is just that: Unconditional.

When approached with the idea of authentic unconditional love, today’s contemporary independent thinking woman might immediately respond with a resounding, “Hell no.” and who could blame her? If that sounds like your first knee-jerk reaction to loving no matter what, realize that is your head talking. On the other hand, your heart might yearn for such a love. Consider listening to your heart, what does it say?

Don’t you long for someone to love you unconditionally, no matter what? Of course, you do. But for some reason (probably because you’ve had your heart broken in the past) you can’t imagine allowing yourself to be vulnerable to loving someone, like that, again.

How can you want what you’re unwilling to give? Because of a combination of unhealed emotional wounds from the past and the lack of self-love. I know, you feel like you love yourself well enough, but do you love yourself unconditionally?

Honoring and respecting what you and your partner have in common might be easy enough but truly embracing your partner’s differences, all of them, a lifetime of them, the good, the bad, the ugly… All of it, no matter what?

Remembering that you are, each of you, powerful individuals with your own unique and individual purpose, message, passion, and mission in life. Independently, you can live a better life, and make the world a better place, but together your efficacy can become more than the sum of its parts. Bound together in unconditional love your abilities are multiplied exponentially to live your best life together. Imagine the possibilities.

Supporting each other to do the deep inner work, in a sense mirroring your partner’s most tender sensitivities and challenges, can help to encourage the other to rise above his or her own demons, the deepest, most painful wounds hidden from life’s view.

This is the most difficult and messy work, and the person who is closest to you, the one with whom you share sacred space. The one who will not judge you when you are engulfed by your most vulnerable moments which may be full of a myriad of negative emotions. The one who will love you through this process “no matter what” can hold your hand and take you in loving embrace as you trudge through your deepest inner work.

This is the perfect person to be with, in your perfect relationship. Not a perfect person, by any means, for none of us is perfect, but perfectly matched for you, in all you share in common and everything that makes each of you, opposites. The one you can trust with the most intimate details of your life.

It takes a lifetime to learn all there is to know about yourself, who you really are, how you tick… In the perfect relationship, you could do this work in half the time, leaving you much more time in this life to make the world an even better place, together, hand-in-hand.

You can have your perfect relationship. Whether you transform your current relationship to your perfect relationship, or start from scratch, you can do this, if you dare.

Considering Unconditional Love

Take a man from Mars and a woman from Venus (thank you, John Gray) and shackle them together with a contract and public declarations of “love” in front of family, friends, and other witnesses and what you have is the perfect recipe for disaster. And so it goes, day in, day out, every day.

The only people coming out on top of this contractual agreement intact are those who profit from the marriage’s failure, the attorneys, the legal system, the retailers, therapists, purveyors of booze and drugs (legal and otherwise), domestic violence programs, and legal institutions, among others.

Few people actually enter into the marriage with the intent to end it all in a furious blaze, yet it happens every day, and if you’ve entered into the institution with a prenuptial agreement, this signifies the preamble to divorce, a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy.

As divorce rates skyrocket leaving couples previously “in love” at each other’s throats battling for their own independence and survival in the shambles of the relationship, with little thought of what might have been missing, the one thing that could have turned the tables. The secret to a wildly successful love relationship can only be considered by the strongest, most advanced humans among us.

If you are a powerful, enlightened being, you might think about entering into the realm of true love. Not the Hollywood-inspired love, but the highest level of love, which we refer to as unconditional love.

Most relationships are based on fear, not love. I marry you to meet my needs, needs that I am unable to meet on my own, or fear that I might not be able to sustain by myself. The fear of, “what ifs,” of the most impressive negatively-charged imagination, prevent any possibility of true love appearing anywhere on the horizon.

Fear is the reason relationships break down, the only hope of positively-inspired true love is in the embracing of unconditional love between two lovers, but it’s not for the weak at heart.

Without true love, there is a competitive battle for control or supremacy, which can only lead to the destruction of the relationship, where it is thought that there can be a winner and a loser, but when a relationship dissolves, no one wins, regardless of who possesses the most marbles.

Men who are not entitled to engage in unconditional love are those who are physically or emotionally abusive. Those who understand that love is much more than a source of physical intimacy, or having a helpmate, have a grasp of the idea that true love is centered on the heart-to-heart connection between two mates.

Women who are suspicious, interrogate, jump to conclusions, and are critical of their mates, are in the vibration of fear which is the polar opposite of true love and unconditional love is not within her reach.
In a relationship of unconditional love, the man (Martian) provides for the woman (Venusian) and environment where she can self-explore, grow, and expand to her highest potential, while the woman responds in kind with true love.

In a loving environment which is open and honest, men and women are free to admit their mistakes, shortcomings, and weaknesses in full disclosure, without judgment or disrespect. They learn not to just listen with their ears but with their hearts trying to fully understand what it might have been like for his/her mate.

Forgiveness, not defensiveness, justification, or false accusations, is the first order of business in unconditional love among both participants.

Cooperative unconditional love is the powerful force which fuels the most amazing relationship which can be shared between two people and trust bridges the gap between the two.

Love when fully embraced by both parties can heal all wounds, is the secret weapon which can overcome and obstacle or challenge they face together and offers them endless opportunities to grow and expand.

Unconditional love is counter-intuitive. It runs in opposition to everything you’ve been taught about love by society. Love is not a method to be used to get what you want. Love cannot be bridled and forced to fit any contrived mold. True love is free and ever-expanding.

There is hope for true love in the world today. You might dare to entertain the idea by attending an Awakening to True Love Workshop, to see if you have what it takes to engage in unconditional love.

See you at the Soulmate Wizardry event.

Forgiveness is the Key

You are the result of a lifetime of abuse and victimization from the sound of your first cry for life until today, you have survived and endured judgment, false accusations, injustice, betrayal, abuse, and trauma. It’s a wonder you’ve made it this far at all.

You are a bundle of emotional wounds and garbage you’ve collected over the course of your life, which explains a lot about who you are and how you respond to the world around you. After all, nobody knows better than you, that you’re the only person you can count on to look after you. This is your primary objective.

You surround yourself with emotional tripwires and landmines to protect yourself and you try to keep all those emotional wounds hidden and suppressed, which is the highest level of self-abuse. All that unresolved trauma compromises your immune system, promotes premature aging, makes you more prone to sickness and disease. If that weren’t enough, is also keeping you separated from all the best things in life.

The fortress you’ve built to protect yourself is nearly impenetrable. You might applaud yourself for doing such a good job of protecting yourself. From inside your fortress you feel safe but if you could see from a higher perspective, you could see you have sentenced yourself to a life in prison of your own making.

Forgiveness is the Key

Forgiveness is the key to unlock every level of containment you’ve subjected yourself to.

There’s no denying the multitude of transgressions you’ve endured. The wounds run so very deep. Your pain, fear, and the repressed anger from the grudges you maintain are weapons of those who hurt you in the first place. They continue to hurt and abuse you every moment that you harbor unforgiveness.

The first thought which you might consider would be to ask the question, “Why would I forgive someone for doing that to me?” and you might rather see them punished for what they did, but contemplating retribution is another way the victimizer continues to have power over his or her victim.

Not only are you a victim of your abuser but you subject yourself to continued self-abuse by second-guessing yourself, and feeling guilty, wondering how you could have let someone do that to you? Setting up emotional blockades and numbing your own emotions so that you can’t be hurt like that again.

Playing the part of the victim does offer you emotional support from others who might feel sorry for you, which helps to ease the pain, but it also cements your position in being continually victimized by your abuser.

Forgiveness Can Set You Free

Forgiveness starts with you. You must forgive yourself first. You are not responsible for any of the emotional pain you’ve endured. You never deserved to be disrespected, mistreated, or abused. You were innocent. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time, or maybe you suffered the abuse because you were strong enough to take it, like a shock absorber, sparing someone else who could not have survived the abuse.

You cannot control what other people do. You are only in control of your own life and forgiving yourself, absolving yourself from any sense of wrongdoing or deservedness is implicit.

Forgive Them

You are not required to face or confront your aggressor(s), all you need to do is to realize that these people were only doing the best they could with what they had at the time. Just as you were only doing the best you could with what you had at that time.

You might even offer up a little empathy, that had you lived that person’s life, you might have committed the same atrocities.

Forgive them. Forgiving them is not about them at all, it’s more about you forgiving them so that you can go on with your life without them continually exerting additional abuse to you over time.

Your forgiveness is complete, when you can look back at the episode without pain, guilt, or anger, and can truly hope that he or she finds his or her own way to claim a better life for themselves in love, without having to strike out at others anymore.

You can learn the lessons from your past without having to carry around all that emotional baggage. No need to seclude yourself deep within your fortress.

You can be free, and forgiveness is the key.

Toxic Friend Much?

What about when a friend is verbally or emotionally abusive to you? It’s easy for a friend to laugh it off as a joke or accuse you of being too sensitive. There is a sort of locker-room camaraderie which is a good cover for bullying using such methods as put-downs, name-calling, or teasing.

Even if it is all in good fun, piercing jabs can still cut like a knife, even if you try to convince yourself that you might be misinterpreting their snide remarks. They couldn’t possibly have mean to cut you to the quick, like that.

Nonetheless, you deserve the respect to which you are entitled. Your life is not a joke to be laughed at or made fun of. No one has the right to take you or your life for granted. You never need to heed anyone’s disrespect or other toxic abuse.

Toxic friend much?

If you’re disrespected by someone in your inner circle of friends, you might have to do a bit of emotional housecleaning. Disrespect has many faces, like not valuing your goals or intentions. They take cheap jabs at your appearance, clothing choices, job, what kind of car you drive, or home you live in. They may not value your time, skills, or special abilities, and may ask you to help them but never have an inclination to honor the value of such or offer to pay for your services.

They make fun of you, making you the but of their jokes, condescend in public, in an effort to make themselves look better at your expense. If they don’t stick up for you, support you, express an interest in your life, recognize your value, or understand who you are or how important living the way you do is to you, it might be time to cut them loose.

If you find yourself unable to share intimate details about your because they’ll be disregarded or made fun of, or worse yet, tell wild stories about your shared personal data behind your back, this person is not a friend. If a friend cannot take you seriously, or see from your point of view, at least trying to understand what it might be like to be in your shoes, he or she might not be as good a friend as you may have thought.

If your friend discounts what you have to say doesn’t want to listen to you or feels as though anything you might have to say doesn’t matter. They might even ask you for your opinion about something but disregard your input as invaluable, they may see themselves as superior to you and your input as worthless.

You can trust a true friend with your most intimate details. A friend that cannot be trusted isn’t much of a friend. If he or she makes a promise, and you cannot depend on it, or take them at their word, there is not much of a friendship foundation of trust on which to build.

What if you know that your friend is untrustworthy or has a dark side? You know he or she tells half-truths, withholds information, or right-out lies. It’s only a matter of time, ‘til you find yourself on the wrong side of this person, as he or she talks behind your back, tells lies about you, betrays you, or sets you up to take the fall for something you didn’t have anything to do with.

Friends who are constantly using you, draining you or valuable resources, they are counted among the energy vampires and have little or no respect for you and your needs.

Toxic friendships can be hard to let go of because you are attached to this person, you care about and may even love him or her, but this person is not good for you. The toxicity may ebb and flow, sometimes being tolerable or fine, but at other times, tragic. This kind of back and forth, up and down, kind of relationship is crazymaking.

You have every right to be you, and it’s up to you to protect the sacred space which surrounds you.

Your sacred space is your holy of holies and it’s up to you to keep it sacred. Surround yourself with people you can trust to value you, your love, support you, lift you up, inspire you, and to keep an honorable give-and-take relationship.

Who is Your Best Friend?

Who is your best friend? That person who is always there for you, listens to what you have to say without judgment, laughs with you when you fall short of the mark, eager to see things from your point of view, encourages, supports and cares for you unconditionally is your best friend.

Your best friend builds you up, doesn’t tear you down, and when your world is crumbling all around you, is the only one who risks all to stand beside you when everyone else is running to save themselves from the falling debris.

A best friend will soften the blow of harsh truths and also can face you with the most piercing truths without tiptoeing around the most sensitive details. In a sense, helping you see the things in yourself that even you might find hard to face.

Your best friend maintains a delicate give-and-take balance. I help you, you help me, and we celebrate each other’s wins and failures, with a supportive smile. Even in our darkest hour.

Your friend accepts you for all your strengths, weaknesses, catastrophes, and doesn’t talk behind your back. Your friend sees and believes in your greatest potential while inspiring you to achieve your highest and best.

You can trust your best friend with the most intimate details of your life, your dreams, your fears, your innermost thoughts, and personal struggles.

A best friend brings out the best in you.

Without friends, joy would not be as sweet, and grief might be utterly intolerable.

Your friend is the witness to your life and the part you played in this life. If anything were to happen to you, your friend is the one person who might be able to tell your story, if you weren’t there to tell it.

You don’t have to pretend to be anything. In the presence of your friend, you are safe to be who you are, honest, open, vulnerable, without fear of being betrayed. You can trust that your friend will maintain confidentiality, no matter what.

Friends will come and go, but your best friend, will always be there. Even if you are separated by time and space, your relationship survives perfectly intact. When you are reunited, you pick up right where you left off without missing a beat.

A true friend survives the test of time.

Lovers may come and go but the love of a true friend endures. While the temporal waves of this life crest and trough, your friend is the buoy willfully tethered to you for better or worse.

In a perfect world, our family would be our best of friends. In the world where we live, our friends become our best family, bound by more than flesh and blood.

There is tremendous gratitude for the friends who have stood by me, in the good times, and the bad. Friends who did not judge, berate, and helped me to look at the bright side, even when things looked bleak, and hope was all but lost.

There is great love here for my family of friends.

My wish for you, is that you can find such friends in your life.

A true friend can make all the difference, adding sacred spice to your life.

The following is a poem written by Aaron (Ben-Neth) Fairbairn written in 2002:

My Friends

I think that I may tend to overlook
What I read in an assigned textbook
But one thought fills my heart with cheer
It’s the thought of my friends I’ve made this year

School, to some, may appear too tough
Too hard, too simple, not fashionable enough
Still I go, I attend with school pride
Because I have my friends by my side

Everyday wondering what I should wear
What clothes, what shoes, how to fix my hair
I don’t know why I fret, or even care
As long as I know that my friends will be there

School can be a hassle, getting up early everyday
But it all seems worth it in some strange kind of way
As another school year comes to close and ends
I know those I’ll miss the most are my friends

Saying I’m Sorry

Saying, “I’m sorry,” is a way to smooth over any tricky situation between two people. Only, it’s become so commonplace it really has little meaning anymore. I am reminded of a time when a young Sascha would hurt her younger brother, Aaron. While he was crying, she would say, “Sorry,” then giggle because she’d one-upped him, once again.

I think it’s about time we returned the integrity befitting the genuine apology to bridge the gap which can appear between two people, who through no fault of their own, found themselves on opposite sides of a fence.

In contemporary society, when someone apologizes, it’s not uncommon for it to be followed by “but” which pretty much nullifies the apology.

Whether you forgot to pick up the dry-cleaning or had a torrid affair, knowing how to authentically say, “I’m sorry,” with a degree of decorum and authentic open and honest remorse with a bit of repentance thrown in for flavor will likely earn you’re another chance and potential forgiveness.

If you’re expecting your partner to lend an ear to you, it’s best to start off with honoring and validating his or her perspective, even if it is not in harmony with yours. Understanding where he or she is coming from is an important part of creating the connection necessary to rebuild and repair the relationship, whether or not any actual crime was committed.

Empathy goes a long way in expressing that you know what it must feel like for your partner, what he or she must be feeling. Let him or her know how you might feel if the roles were reversed and you believed your partner had done the same thing you’ve done or are being accused of.

It’s not just enough to say I’m sorry, your apology must be associated with some demonstrative action, if you’re ever to have any hope of forgiveness. So, man-up (or woman-up) and pledge to make the future different by committing to do something on your partner’s behalf which will help to rectify or repair the damage. It doesn’t have to be a monumental promise, but something that moves you closer together, not further apart, and signifies your commitment and ability to change.

If you’re looking for forgiveness, practicing a little humility and asking for forgiveness will go a long way toward getting you from where you are to where you’d rather be. Clearly, it was not your intention to hurt or let down your partner, nonetheless, here we are, and your partner is feeling slighted or betrayed by you. A little validation, expression of your intention, and asking forgiveness could be as easy as, “I’m sorry. I understand how you feel. I never meant to hurt you. Could you forgive me?”

If you’re apologizing and asking for forgiveness, you will be looking for one of two positive responses, “Yes, thank you, and I forgive you.” Or, “Thank you for sharing, and I will need time to think about all of this. I will get back to you on that.”

Either of those responses will have you on the road to repair and rebuilding the relationship and recovery from your faux pas.

Keep this in mind if your partner comes to you, saying, “I’m sorry,” and asking for your forgiveness. When you forgive, do not badger your partner over past transgressions. Forgiveness requires your letting go of your partner’s transgression. If you do, you only increase the possibility of being disappointed or hurt again.

We all make mistakes. You have a far better chance of your relationship healing, growing and thriving by forgiving your partner and moving forward in love.

Every relationship is built between only two people. If one of the partners refuses to participate in the relationship, there is no relationship.

Expectations in Relationships

Being on the outside looking in at your relationship, you’re likely to see all the superficial things that appear to be contrary to the acceptable view of what a good relationship might look like. When you look at your relationship with your head instead of your heart, you can appear like two people contractually bound to each other, not unlike a prison confinement.

No one wants to be obligated to someone else by contractual agreement. If you’re with someone, and he or she is expecting you to perform or cater to their needs, wants, and desires, you would rather do it because you want to, not out of obligation or fear.

It’s natural to want to impose your expectations onto someone else. If you’re in a romantic relationship with someone with whom you would completely faithful, it’s natural to project your expectation of faithfulness on your partner. Seeing your partner through this filter of expectation can leave you feeling shocked by any indication that he or she may not be as faithful as you had expected.

People are vastly variant, and it is very rare that people will actually be on the same page at the same time, if ever. But you can establish common ground by open communication, sharing and caring, and having a clear understanding of each other and full knowledge about where each of you is.

Deliver the death-blow to any budding relationship by imposing expectations garnered from previous relationships onto your current one. For instance, if your previous partner massaged your feet before going to bed, don’t expect this to come naturally to your new partner. On the other side of the coin, if your previous partner betrayed you, it doesn’t mean your current partner will follow in kind. Everyone is different, and if you have negative expectations, your energetic attention to these details and their red flags may become a self-fulfilled prophecy.

Disappointment and hurt feelings are the rewards for imposed expectations. When you are feeling as though your partner has betrayed you (not met your expectations) it may be time for a heart-to-heart conversation. Note that while people are vastly different, they also change over time, and something that your partner may have done for you in the past, he or she may have outgrown. This type of open communication and renegotiation is something that must be conducted over time, any time you think your partner may have acted in some way that you didn’t expect.

Just because you thought someone was going to act/think/believe/be a certain way, doesn’t mean they are the way you perceived them to be. Even if you’ve agreed and pledged to treat each other in certain ways, this does not consider the potential for growth, change, or evolution.

Growth necessitates change, and if anything is constant in life, change is. The best way you can position yourself in an ever-changing world is to embrace change and to find a way to accept change when the time for it has come.

Your expectation to know certain things about your partner may both say something about your underlying need to know or have proof of something, and if your partner is feeling the need to not disclose something may say something significant about him or her. All this points toward a need to have a potentially difficult conversation to maintain a healthy couple connection.

Who knows?

If you are able to manage having a realistic relationship, accepting the potential for growth and change, without unreasonable expectations, you may find yourself entering new territory. The territory which leads to awakening to true love, unconditional love, if you dare.

How to Deal with Selfishness

You might think you’re dealing with a narcissist, but you might just be dealing with someone who is selfish. Ask yourself is this a narcissist or selfish person?

Selfish people are self-centered, putting their needs, wants, and desires before others, and they’re less likely to concern themselves with the needs of others. So, before you jump to the conclusion that you’re dealing with a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath, consider you might just be face to face with someone who is selfish.

And being selfish is not all bad. Some of the healthiest people are selfish. It takes a degree of selfishness to make sure you’re looking after your own needs, because if you don’t look after you, then who will?

Being selfish enough to look after your own needs is something you might need to so, especially if you’re in the habit of caring for others or putting the needs of others before your own needs. This can lead to unhealthy martyrdom, which is unnecessary self-punishment and does not serve you well.

There is a delicate balance between selflessness and selfishness which a healthy person needs to maintain, just as there is a thin line between selfishness and narcissism, as well as narcissism and sociopathy.

Just because selfishness is a component of those on the Antisocial Personality Disorder spectrum, doesn’t mean they are suffering from ASPD, they might just be selfish. It’s hard to believe that anyone is not selfish these days because our society trains us to be selfish.

How to deal with selfishness

First, try to understand that we’re all in this together. We are born selfish. It is a survival instinct. We are taught how to share and care for others as young people in training, though some of us were raised devoid of this training.

None of us is better than anyone else, and if someone is being selfish, it may be part of their survival instinct. If someone has not always been selfish, then suddenly acts out as being extremely selfish, if you dig deeper, you will find the causality of the selfishness.

Selfishness can be situational or a temporary response to being in fear, or an act of self-preservation. You see the selfishness response in those who have been victimized, in physical or emotional pain, or facing challenges with safety, well-being, survival, or mortality.

Left to itself, selfishness could overtake someone completely, or after time, they could find balance, once they have provided for themselves a sense of safety and security. Being selfish does not make you a bad person.

Remember that when a selfish person is protecting themselves, it’s about them, not you. It’s easy to think that they are directing their selfishness at you by imposing their wants, needs, and desire over yours, or not having any concern for you whatsoever, but in reality, they may just be weak and hurting people, taking care of themselves in the only way they know how.

Being in close proximity of someone who is damaged but protecting his or her self by becoming severely self-centered, assuring they are invulnerable as they heal, can make you feel like a victim, but he or she is just doing the best he or she can to keep safe, while they grow in their personal strength and heal from the wounds from his or her past.

What if someone thinks you’re being too selfish? Often, we ourselves exert enough selfishness, for whatever reason, which can make someone in your circle of friends think you’re being too selfish. If someone speaks up, this is an opportunity for you to query about yourself. Ask him or her, “What makes you think I’m being selfish?” and, “How could I have done it better?”

You may come across as being selfish, when your motives are pure, you are exercising diligence, persistence, and even commitment to servitude. In other circumstances, you might be protecting yourself from potential perceptions of threat or danger, whether real or perceived.

We all need to be selfish sometimes to get the important things in life done.

Even putting the needs of others before other people in our life, which looks like selfless servitude, can actually be a selfish act.

Just try to remember, there is healthy selfishness, and you are never victimized by another person’s selfishness unless you’re suffering at the hands of a predatory sociopath or psychopath.