While there is a high degree of focus on chemistry and compatibility in relationships these days, the work I do with couples seems to support the idea that the most unlikely matched couples can count their relationships among the most successful and long-standing, deepest loves by integrating basic characteristics into the existing relationship. This hugely supports the Love is a Choice concept.
First of all, if you’re going to have a successful relationship, you must be willing to set aside your “what’s in it for me” mentality. Your relationship needs to be based on mutual respect, support, compassion, and a sincere desire to grow and evolve yourself as you love your partner and augment your partner’s work to achieve his or her highest and best. If this level of love and support is reciprocal, your love will grow immensely in concert with one another, and you both will be able to share the best things this life has to offer together.
Your relationship moves from a me-based to a we-based foundation.
In a we-based relationship, you give more of what you desire to get what you want. It’s more about the giving, and the receiving is a natural result of your selfless benevolence and generosity.
When you first notice incongruency in your relationship, recognizing that something is making you feel bad about your partner, first look within yourself. Ask yourself, “What could this have to do with me?” If you can think objectively, searching deep within, you may discover what you are feeling is in reaction to something unresolved within you, or alternatively, you are more the source of your discontent than your partner by trying to impose unnecessary judgment of restrictions based on life experiences from your past.
In this respect, in a real relationship, your partner is a mirror, reflecting yourself back to you, enabling you to see glimpses of the deep work that might be part of your personal growth and evolution waiting to be unveiled and dealt with. This should be your first thought when sensing discord because, in an enlightened relationship, your partner would never seek to make you feel bad. His or her desire is only to completely love and support you.
Growth necessitates change, so don’t be surprised when you look back at the beginnings of your relationship and think about how your partner is not the same person you started this journey with. One would hope not. The changes brought about by your continued growth and change within the relationship should be cause for celebration, with the hope or expectation that tomorrow and the days and years that follow will lead to even more growth and change increasing life energy and mutual expansion.
Without growth and change, a relationship goes stagnant and is unsustainable.
Living in the now is an important key component in the most successful relationships. As in all areas of life, there will be ups and downs, mistakes will be made, challenges will arise, and unexpected circumstances will visit the relationship. As quickly as possible, retaining the wisdom from the experience, abandoning the past, and living in the present moment, is a huge factor in the most successful relationships. And for God’s sake, do not hold a grudge against your partner. Repressed dissention and/or guilt will drain the energy from your love. Left to spread, like a cancer, will lead to love’s death.
Like love, happiness is also a choice. Make opportunities to include joyous time that you spend together as a couple. Don’t resign yourself to being so serious that you do not allow time for fun. Find ways to incorporate laughter and joy into your relationship to help raise your love vibration.
When facing opposition, remember there is no right or wrong, as, in all things in life, there is balance. Your partner is entitled to his or her opinion, and remember that nothing in this relationship is written in stone. Something that is said, felt, or believed today is always subject to new information, seeing something from a different perspective, and/or personal growth. So, let it be and agree to disagree for the moment. Don’t let the differences come between you, rather celebrate your differences in the now, and wait to see what is birthed from the process.
If whatever you focus your attention on grows (and it does) then look for the good things in your relationship and focus your attention on these things. How can you celebrate all your partner brings to the relationship? Look for opportunities to express your affection, appreciation, and gratitude to your partner and remember to make time to communicate these things intimately to your partner one-on-one.
Be open and honest with your partner and be courageous enough to express your needs and concerns along the way in a safe and sane way, while allowing your partner the same sacred space for healthy communication along the way. Every couple will encounter rough spots, and when you do, do not let them come between you. Use them for constructive, creative forms of expression, and don’t take it personally if your partner needs to blow off some steam. Be prepared for it, allow it to happen, then after things calm down, revisit it and see if together you both can make some sense of it.
Love represents the most powerful energy in the universe. It is always there, waiting for you to access it and apply it, first to yourself, your relationships, then the world.
You have a very exciting love-filled joyous life ahead.