Friends and Sex

If you can’t treat and trust your partner like a friend, then maybe you’re not ready to move forward in your relationship in love.

How do you treat your friends?

You are understanding and forgiving of your friends. You have a sort of unconditional love with your friends. They can do crazy things, and you can laugh with them about it. They can make huge mistakes and you can feel sorry for them because you know their intentions were good.

If you and your friend get into a heated debate, you can both walk away with your feelings hurt, then the next time you meet, you’ve put the issue behind, almost as if it didn’t happen and resume your relationship.

You can be supportive and love them no matter what they say, no matter what they do. Your friendship is pliable and never at risk of being lost. These are the conditions of your longest-lasting friendships. The kind where you can go without seeing them due to life circumstances, and no matter how long it’s been, you pick up right where you left off without missing a beat.

These are your real life BFFs.

Then there’s your relationship with your partner. How can you compare the two?

“Well,” you interject, “I’m not having sex with my friends.”

Good point.

It is well known that there is a bio-chemical reaction that takes place when bodies start to intermingle and are penetrated by another, not to mention the effects of the psychological and spiritual exchange that happens when body fluids are exposed to another.

It’s the nature of human beings. It’s what keeps us separate from the other mammals on our planet. Something about how we were designed has a part of us longing to have a long-term committed, loving, supportive, and monogamous relationship.

As much as some of us try to reduce sex to just an ordinary natural act, our body chemistry and tendency to deeply attach, even if against our will, overshadows any analytical representation that there really is a difference between having sex and making love.

Yet, there is an acute distinction between the two.

“Having sex,” refers to the simple act of copulation between two consenting adults. The idea is that these two parties can engage in and enjoy the act of having sex without all the complications and attachments of having a romantic relationship.

While this is an excellent ideal, I can tell you, based on the singles and couples I’ve consulted with, nothing could be further from the truth. These stories of one-night stands or frivolous sexual encounters did not come at a price, and science backs up and predicts the price being paid, whether you admit it at the time, or ever, the fact remains, there is no such thing as casual sex.

“Making love,” on the other hand, is the romanticized version of sexual intimacy which assumes a loving, (preferably monogamous) relationship with the intention to go on in life with each other with love, compassion, understanding and integrity.

Where things go sideways, is when one partner is making love while the other partner is having sex. There’s the rub, and there is danger ahead.

If you’ve had an experience, like this, then you have probably suffered emotional trauma and it would be understandable if you suffered love’s Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, which would potentially include the inability to trust another potentially intimate partner.

Consider the idea of not engaging in a sexual encounter until you’re at least relatively certain that your partner has your best interests at heart. Do not go there until you feel as though he or she can be trusted by the placing of your heart in his or her hands.

Waiting until you feel as though you could love, care, understand, and accept him or her, just as you would any other friend, may be too much to ask. And that’s okay.

But at least, do your best to look after yourself, which is solely your responsibility.

If you feel like you can engage in casual sex, then have the talk, set and accept the ground rules before going there. Then, the onus is on you to manage the repercussions on your own with integrity.

Help to mitigate the effects of having these kinds of relationships is available to you, when you are ready.

If you are going to engage in making love, then by all means, have the love talk before you go there, if love is your intention.

No amount of preparation and caution can protect your heart from experiencing pain in a love relationship, but without love and the vulnerability with accompanies it, life is less than it could be.

Moving On With Your Calling

You’ve gotten in touch with your Purpose, Message, Passion, and Mission (PMPM). You’re comfortable (yet a little freaked out) and ready to start moving on with your calling.

You’ve done the work. You have a pretty good idea about the big picture. You’ve used your power of imagination to see yourself fully engaged and empowered in the fullness of your calling, but what do you do now?

Take a step. Do something right now that moves you closer to your vision, and every day, do something that closes the gap between where you are and where you want to be.

Consider making a plan consisting of many mini achievements which would be in alignment between where you are and where you want to go and check them off one-by-one while moving on with your calling.

Every day take a step, and when you can, check off a new achievement.

Every step you take, every move you make, brings you closer to achieving your highest and best.

Notice how the landscape changes as you get closer and closer to your destination.

When you can, invite others to join you, when you meet those chosen few you will meet along your journey. When you are actively moving toward that which you desire, the energy that is created attracts others who are headed in a similar direction. This is how God supports your taking action to serve the greater good.

Remain open, honest, and integrous as you move forward in diligent humility, never looking back but loving, learning, growing, and ever expanding, as you continue to answer the call and continue to take consecutive steps.

Do not be discouraged by the taking of small steps because it may not feel like you’re actually going anywhere. Trust that even if you’ve only moved slightly toward that which you desire, you are still closer than you were the day before and have faith in the cumulative value in every thought and action in anything that you do which honors and draws in your vision of your calling.

If you veer off course, not to worry. Look around. See what hidden treasure can be found in your detour, for there is always something there to find that will help you later on your journey. Respect it. Recalibrate and continue the moving on with your calling.

Find opportunities to serve others as you move forward. The giving to others will not only move you closer to where you want to be, but it pays into the eternal escrow account investments which will benefit you in dividends by allowing you to be blessed to receive what you need, when you need, and then some, at the perfect time along your journey.

It’s not going to be all happiness and joy as you embark upon your personal journey and this is to be expected because it is likely that you will need to acquire new skills and attitude adjustments along the way.

Accept this is all in divine order. It’s God’s way of equipping you with all the skills and abilities you will need to maximize your effectiveness when you arrive at your destination in the perfect time.

Unconditional Love Makes You Angry

You’re not alone if the idea of unconditional love makes you angry.

You’ve been trained to desire unconditional love. You want to be loved for who you are, everything, the good, the bad, your adorable traits and the mistakes you have made and may make from this day forward. To feel as though you could be accepted and loved no matter what is what you long for.

You can look back on decisions and actions you’ve initiated in your past didn’t turn out the way you planned and may have turned out badly, possibly making you look and feel stupid. You know you could have done better if given a second chance. After all, your intentions were pure when you did it or allowed it to happen.

To be loved, regardless of the stupid things you’ve done in the past, not judged for those things you could have done better and understood as if anyone in the same situation might have done the same thing seems reasonable. And this is what you long for.

While this kind of unconditional love is what you desire, to imagine the offering of such a love to another feels like a preposterous proposition. This is when the idea of unconditional love makes you angry.

What? Love someone no matter what? Do you think I’ve learned nothing from all the pain I’ve endured throughout the course of my life? Have you lost your mind?

If I’ve learned anything, I know you can’t trust anyone, particularly someone you care about, and the more you care about them, the more they will hurt you, and the less you can trust them.

You have surrounded yourself with a protective forcefield in an effort to keep yourself safe from disappointment or risk of being hurt.

Congratulations. You’ve built for yourself and voluntarily checked-in to your hospital fortress where you can find the love you seek from within and heal, because life has been hard, and you need this time to focus on you, isolated from potential harm.

No one would blame you for feeling bad, sad, or mad while suffering from your wounds in your love hospital for recovery. While recovering from these wounds, of course, the idea of unconditional love makes you angry, anyone else in the same situation would feel the same way.

You are suffering from a form of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), not unlike any other form of PTSD.

If it weren’t for the support of others in their own various stages of love wound recovery, you would be totally alone and isolated in your fortress hospital, and with others who have are also suffering from love’s wounds you develop a supportive camaraderie. This kind of support can prolong your healing as you feel more comfortable in treatment than taking the risk of re-engaging in life outside the walls.

Isn’t the idea of checking one’s self into an isolated healing environment to become well enough to leave the facility and start to live your life again? To not do so transforms your hospital into a prison of your own making to serve out our own self-imposed life sentence. You needn’t suffer the extreme self-abuse of exercising your own love death penalty.

You’re better than that.

You can heal. In fact, you may be far more healed than you believe yourself to be. How many completely healthy people are in hospitals or recovery programs far past their healing because it’s safer to be in the hospital than to face your fears outside in the real world?

It’s time to get up and ambulate. Get outside and exercise your ability to love.

You can still exercise love when the idea of unconditional love makes you angry. No need to push through to unconditional love, but to start loving a little at a time would be highly beneficial.

You might find it helpful to see others as just like you.

You understand yourself so well and you would never intentionally do anything to hurt anyone else, unless in that moment, you felt like you had no other choice, as you were in fully engulfed in the fight-or-flight response. You felt like you had no other option(s).

You don’t have to love what someone else does, but you can still love the person.

Isn’t that what you want?

That is not to say that you allow anyone to abuse you. You have the right and obligation to separate yourself from dangerous situations, but let those situations be an authentic potential risk to you, your body, your mind, or your spirit. Don’t let your fear-inspired imagination to override your ability to find potential danger everywhere you look.

Instead, look to understand and realize that the person with whom you are feeling conflict is looking back at you in the mirror. If you were that person, having lived the same life, you would have done the same thing.

You can feel compassion for that person (not feeling “sorry” for them because that insinuates your superiority), trying to understand what it might like to be like to have to feel as though you might feel like you have to live life, like that. It could make you sad, and even react in a less defensive manner.

Even if the idea of unconditional love makes you angry, don’t let it stop you. Find ways to exercise your love. Start with letting friends in a little deeper. Find a child to love. Make occasions for you to engage in activities that you love, and allow your activities to grow to include more people to participate in those things that you love in public.

Get up. Get out of your love hospital, even if only briefly at first, and one day you will find you no longer rely on your self-restraint and self-imposed love prison sentence.

You have complete control of your release date. You get to leave early based on your healing and good behavior if you want to.

Maybe today is the day.

Write down today’s date, mark it on the calendar, and walk out on your own accord.

Set yourself free.

The greatest love is waiting for you.

Offense as Your Defense

Are you commonly offended or feel disrespected by others? In some, if not most cases, the aggression you feel from someone else isn’t so much an offense as your defense. When you feel like you’ve been emotionally assaulted consider looking within. Is there a possibility that the situation is not an offense so much as it is your defense mechanism overreacting?

The basis of this is a hybrid composite of perception and misinterpretation. Your perception is predisposed, locked and loaded, like a shotgun, ready to protect you from any emotional assault because you’ve been hurt in the past.

That which you look for you will find. If you are loaded for fear, you see potential danger everywhere you look and from this perspective, you are most likely to misinterpret just about anything as a potential assault.

As much as you believe you can understand what a person is really thinking, the truth is you can never know what’s going on inside someone’s head, still you look for the potential threat behind the words which is little more than bad mind reading.

Consider that some people just prefer to state the facts and they are quite adept at doing so without anticipating how it might be interpreted by another person to whom the direct response is directed (or overheard by a third-party who doesn’t fully understand the complete framework of the soundbite).

This includes the “Let your yea be yea and your nay be nay”* folks who believe that “yes” and “no” are complete sentences. By not mincing words and just stating the bare statements, assertions, and/or facts, it engenders misinterpretation to fill in the gaps of unspoken words fueled by unintended abruptness.

Then there is also Mr. Or Mrs. Nicely-nice. He or she will do anything to tiptoe around the subject or matter at hand to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings or conflict. These people do not realize that by beating around the bush their attempt to communicate can be interpreted as having something to hide or potentially a hidden agenda, which secretly cancels out their attempts at being perceived as “nice.”

For those who are socially inept, their method(s) of communication can seem rude or abrupt, making you feel as though they are being rude or mean when they are just awkward in their ability to communicate succinctly. They have no idea that their communication is being interpreted negatively, and can’t imagine why someone would not take their words at face value.

If you were to be honest with yourself, you might consider that even you tend to say things in a manner which makes sense to you in all its brevity without considering how it might be received by a listener who does not possess the full understanding of your breadth of knowledge which resides in the knowledge safely locked away inside your mind, yet undisclosed in your statement. You just assume that your audience understands what you’re saying, when nothing could be further from the truth.

When we don’t fully understand what someone is trying to communicate, we tend to fill in the blank spaces with information from our own lives.

If you are in a defensive position, you tend to fill in the blanks with hidden agendas, threats of violence, or other types of potential emotional abuse.

Be open to the idea that people are just people, and for the most part, they are not “out to get you.”

I’m not saying not to be aware, but do not look for demons everywhere, for if you do you can find them anywhere, even if it is not so.

You deserve to live a better life.

* Matthew 5:37

Start Living Your Best Life

The time has come, you’ve lived your life up until now, just as everyone expected you to. Suddenly, or a little over time which has grown cumulatively until the moment when, you’ve awakened to idea that things are not the way they appear to be, and you realize that now is the time to start living your best life.

You’ve lived a life which has been worth living. You’ve found ways to garner some sense of meaning amidst all the chaos in life. There have been moments which have been good, and you’ve found ways to make yourself feel happy, but these moments are few and far between.

You’ve done your best to maximize your experience throughout this life no matter what stood in your way. You’ve persevered and persisted to live a better life. Yet, something inside you has caused you to feel that something is seriously wrong.

Today, you realize that the world and everything you’ve come to believe ‘til this moment was far from the truth. Truth, if there is such a thing, is elusive and hidden by society and family, and you’re just not going to let other people tell you what to do, or who you are.

You decide to make a stand for yourself, your individuality, and resolve that the time has come for you to exercise your independence and freedom to be the unique you, which is your undeniable right.

You’ve lived a good life, you’ve endured pain, tragedy, and struggled to make it this far. Now it is time to

Start Living Your Best Life

When you start living your best life, you start living life on your own terms.

No one can tell you what to think, what to believe. You’ve realized that nearly everything everyone else believes is a falsehood designed to make them, the herd, easier to control, and they blindly follow the leader, as sheep to the slaughter.

This one thing you know, you’re opting out of the herd.

It’s not uncommon for you to feel both excited and anxious about dropping out of the rat race, for your whole life has been lived among that style of life which has kept you distracted by the media, societal structure, and games people play. There is a sort of addictive dependence which you have learned to feel attuned to, so there will be symptoms of withdrawal when you start to pull away.

At this moment you realize that your best life does not come from gaining the acceptance from others or living in such a way that incites approval or jealousy from others who long for a level of success (misery, infirmity, victimhood, or spirituality) which keeps us from truly connecting to other human beings.

Live a Better Life Your Best Life

Your best life is fully independent which engenders a yearning to connect with others, and the world in an authentic co-creative manner, in an effort to have a positive impact on our planet. You seek independence without separating yourself from others as you look to honor other human beings for whomever they are as you realize that you, just as they, are only doing the best you can with what you have.

As you start to understand your Purpose, Message, Passion, and Mission in this life, the idea of living your best life takes on new meaning. You are getting to know the empowered you which was your birthright. The one you were meant to be in the first place, that you which you were fully aware of when you were very young, but since have had beaten out of you by socialization or education.

In this sense today truly is the first day of the rest of your life as you take the steps necessary to get in touch with yourself, the source of all life, and the peaceful, harmonious connection to the world at large as you

Start Living Your Best Life

Nakedness in Relationships

Relationships can be scary, especially the more intimate the relationship the greater the exposures. There are various degrees of nakedness in relationships. In less intimate relationships there is less nakedness, while the most intimate relationships include full nudity.

Of course, I am not referring to the nakedness of being unclothed, but of being fully exposed, allowing yourself to be seen intimately without any social or emotional covering or façade.

We all desire to connect with other people, to know one another to varying degrees. We find comfort in having people in our lives with whom we can relax, and just be ourselves.

You are so much more than your public persona. You have a particular view of yourself, of how you want the world to perceive you, so you adopt a fully adorned representation of yourself to present to the world. No one knows this is just an act, except for you.

Yet, you desire to drop all the act and to be fully open, honest, transparent, and fully naked, loved and accepted for who you are with no pretense, agenda, or need for covering the vulnerable you who is hidden underneath the multiple layers of your external representation.

You have many levels of intimacy, where you shed some of the public personas and let others have glimpses of who you really are among friends and family. Still, you yearn for someone with whom you can be fully naked, without the fear of stripped down to the most intimate details of your life and who you really are.

In most cases, the only hope you have is to find a romantic mate with whom you can share the most intimate details of your life without the threat of judgment. This is love. As much as you desire such a level of vulnerable intimacy, it is possible to trust someone not to judge you or disclose your innermost secrets to the world?

To be fully naked, not just in the body, but in the soul, where your partner can see and hopefully some grasp of, level of understanding, or at least an inkling of what private things have hurt you in the past, why you have certain sensitivities, what makes you tick, and what turns you on, not just in the sexual sense, but what makes your heart sing, and why.

Where do you doubt yourself? What are your shortcomings? What are your greatest fears?

What makes you happy? What makes you sad? What makes you want to throw caution to the wind and go for it?

This level of nakedness in relationships is what engenders true intimacy, entrusting your most intimate details in full view of your closest, most intimate partner. The one you can trust with all your transparent nakedness, fully exposed, with nothing left to hide.

This represents your most intimate relationship of all, yet it is elusive, and you fear opening up in such intimacy because you fear that you cannot trust anyone with the intimate details of your life.

It is likely that you trusted someone with some intimate details of your life only to have them disregard and disrespect you, judge you for intimating such details, and/or used your openness and honest against you.

You’ve learned, the hard way, not to trust anyone.

Still, your heart yearns to be joined with someone you can fully reveal yourself, who you can trust as the witness to the completeness of your life, as you are for him or her, the same.

This is the nature of the romantic soul mate, the one with whom you may have the potential of sharing an unconditional love.

You will run across many soul mates along the journey of your life, some who are potentially the best of friends, or the most intimate of lovers.

I hear countless regrets from those who later in life realize they once, or many times, had access to a potential soul mate but did not allow the relationship to explore the possibilities due to fear.

You must be able you overcome your fear to take the risk of experiencing nakedness in relationships in order to allow the soul mate to reveal him or her -self to you.

Your fear causes you to interrupt the idea with, “But…”

You’ve got to move your but to what. “What if…?”

Your what to when, “When should I…”

Your when to now. “Now is a good time to take action.”

Make a move to take the action to see if the possibility is closer than you thought.

If it turns out it’s not, keep looking and taking action to test the water, being mindful of the nakedness, or level of transparent intimacy you share, may not include actual nudity or be sexual in any way.

Don’t let your life be filled with the regret of having let him or her get away.

He or she is out there, waiting for you to reach out.

Trauma-Inspired Programming

How Does Past Trauma Affect Your Life Today?

Not unlike an Artificial Intelligence (AI) algorithm, throughout our whole life, we collect data and develop programs that run in the background in an effort to understand and allow us to perform better as we encounter new situations and circumstances.

We run thousands of tiered If-Then-Else programs in the background, our subconscious, in an effort to have better experiences as we go forth into an unknown future. This is how we learn. This is how we grow, and this is how we limit our potential and quality of life.

At the moment in time that a program was initiated, it may have been appropriate and fit for the situation at hand, but now in the present day, the old program is still running, and it may not be serving you in the now. In fact, it may be hindering your potential for living a better life.

Let’s say you had a parent that would leave you unexpectedly alone when all you really wanted was a little love and attention. At first, you would desire of cry for attention to no avail. You never received the love and attention you sought. After a while you wrote a program to help you to deal with the situation, so you could go on with life.

IF your parent left,

THEN you would change your expectation, assuming they would not return at all.

“Fine,” you might think, “I will just find comfort in my time alone with myself. I don’t need anyone.”

ELSE the parent returns, you have already asserted confidence in your own independence, you might reject their presence, encouraging them to leave,

“Why don’t you just go enjoy yourself elsewhere? I don’t really need you here.”

You reason its better to reject than be rejected, plus the pain is far less severe by lowering your expectations, creating boundaries, and enforcing them. All at the young, tenderest of ages.

Even at such an early age, when you may not have been able to form the words, you were a survivor. You developed a program that made you stronger, more independent.

If you never recognize it, delete, or reprogram it, that program continues to run in the background to protect you and keep you safe, even if it no longer serves your best interests. Left to run on its own, it will affect all areas of your life, from career to social interactions, and the quest for love.

That’s just one program among thousands, or more likely millions, of programs accumulating in your subconscious machine code.

Hopefully, by now, your starting to realize that you are the Master Programmer (MP). By taking the time to go back and check your old programming codes, you can delete old programs which no longer serve you, and/or replace them with newer, more useful programs which will empower you to live your best life.

SOURCE CODE SEARCH

Search for the programs by reviewing the traumas of your life, year by year.

Make a T-Chart for every year of your life. Title it by your year of age and the calendar year.

On the left side of the page, list any traumatic event you can think of.

On the right side of the page, across from each traumatic event, detail how the trauma affected your life. This will help to identify the program which needs to either be deleted or replaced.

This process is never complete because as you start to look for trauma and either delete or reprogram the subroutines, more data becomes accessible.

 

March 2018 Image Directory

Wrapping up the month of March, here’s a quick screenshot review of the month’s news. Let me know which ones you like the most. Thanks for your input, -David M Masters

Love and the Past Keeping Secrets Statistics Do Not Apply to Individuals
Ready to Move on In Love? Diagnosing Everyone Fear is the Doorway
Shocked By Your Partner Seven Seconds to Change the World What Is Your Love Language?
Shock absorbers - victims of abuse

Shock Absorbers

You Are Always Right Who Do You Think You Are?
Toxic Relationship Much? Parental Regret Want a Do Over?
Invisible Abuse Getting to Know You Will You Do It?
5 Questions to Ask Yourself Depression Is a Good Thing Devastated by Your Lover
Pursue Your Purpose Being Open and Available How to Live Your Life
What Are You Hiding? It’s Like a Death How to Deal with Energy Vampires
 Visualization

 

 

 

 

 

Love and the Past

We are all haunted by the demons which haunt us from our past. As much as we try to do our best to move forward to enjoy the best things in life, without victory over the past, the issues which we hold close to our hearts, those things which we have loved, lost, and hurt our feelings continue to haunt us.

Being a victim of the past disempowers us and gives the power we could potentially wield to those people, situations, and circumstances which overtake our attention, preventing us from enjoying to the fullest the best things this life has to offer. Left to themselves, this unresolved trauma can overtake you and ruin any possibility of having any hope of experiencing prolonged joy.

Relationships trigger these memories and the emotions connected to them, bringing them to the surface, even if we’re unaware of what’s happening. Unless you know this is what’s happening, it could have a negative impact on the relationship.

If you can look at this as a gift from God, as a way to bring our hidden emotional demons to the surface so we can deal with and exorcise them, then it will not seem so much like a curse or irrational pain on the loose.

Left unresolved, issues from your past will continue to appear affecting the lens through which you see life and all relationships. Therefore, if you have unresolved issues with a parent (could be anyone or any experience from your past) which you’ve pushed down way inside and may not even be conscious of, this will color intimate relationships as you are given the opportunity to deal with those issues which do not serve you.

Ignored opportunities will look as though you are overreacting to something that would otherwise be perceived as a minimal challenge, insignificant, or benign. Yet, here you are, all emotionally charged up, being ruled by the very thing which needs to be brought up and cleared.

We are all triggered and react in different ways when this opportunity presents itself.

This is God’s invitation for you to deal with and heal hidden or ignored trauma from the past. Without this natural mechanism of using relationships to allow unresolved issues from the past to appear, you would forever be a victim of the past.

God wants you to be free, to enjoy life, and have victory over the past.

To have victory over the past you must be brave and courageous to face the virtual demons of the past that haunt you.

It’s not enough to ignore the past and pretend that it just didn’t happen. This will only allow those issues to slowly eat away at you, robbing you of joy, promoting the deterioration of your immune system leading to disease and advanced aging, even premature mortality.

Some of the trauma from the past will have you seeing yourself vulnerable and a potential victim of abuse from those who are closest to you when no threat is actually present.

7 Phases of Love

You may also have feelings of fear, unworthiness, feeling as though you cannot be truly understood, disrespected, feeling as though you are being unjustly criticized, and the inability to trust other people. You are easily offended and are poised to defend yourself, always on the alert for some potential threat.

These are just a few of the signs that may be calling you to look within, especially if it appears to be a reaction which might be considered excessive based on the facts when viewed objectively.

When they appear, have the courage to look inside. The feelings you are experiencing may not have anything to do with your partner (though admittedly, it may feel like it at the time), it may be an unresolved issue from your past begging to be unearthed and set free.

Love brings these things to the surface, and love is the key that unlocks the trunk where all the things holding you back are contained within.

If you do not take the opportunity to deal with these issues, you are likely to project them on your partner and your potential for true love may not be recognized or available to you.

The good news is that love is never failing, and you will be presented with another opportunity to deal with these issues when the next opportunity for love arises.

Keeping Secrets

Unless you’re a sociopath, psychopath, or pathological liar, keeping secrets will have a negative impact on your holistic systems. Keeping secrets causes the decline of your autoimmune system and leads to a decline of quality in your mind, body, and soul. This act of withholding powerful information, which you would be better served by releasing, leaves you keeping secrets and promotes deterioration of health, the onset of disease(s), premature aging and death.

Those who are keeping secrets are more likely to withdraw from social interaction, have fewer friends, and are prone to paranoia, feeling as though potential interaction with others will put them at risk.

Keeping secrets in a romantic relationship causes separation and prevents a relationship from progressing or deepening.

Secret keepers are highly proficient at projecting their issues onto the people they encounter.

If you hide unexpressed anger regarding people from your past which might include parental angst, keeping these feelings deeply held within will likely cause you to see these attributes applied to the people (or person) closest to you.

Children who suffered abuse and keep these details highly regarded secrets as adults will suspect any prospective partner as potentially abusive, even when no real potential for abuse exists.

For those who actively push down their past of having been abandoned in their early years, they are likely to be clingier in relationships and fear being abandoned by their partner.

These emotionally charged memories and thoughts, even if they are deeply hidden, possibly even from the cognoscente mind of the secret keeper, will become the filter through which the keeper of secrets views life.

The keeper of secrets is likely to hide many secrets which is likely to include their own feelings. In relationships, one partner might sense emotional disconnect or psychological distraction, and query, “What’s wrong?” To which the secret keeper will respond, “Oh, nothing.”

The solution to this self-destructive withholding is to find ways to find ways to express yourself, starting with surface issues, then digging deeper as you become more adept at sharing your feelings.

If you’re in the habit of keeping secrets, you’re likely to do it all the time, not speaking up when you are disappointed, disillusioned, or feel as though your feelings have been disrespected or hurt.

Start speaking up for yourself. The next time you go out to eat, and your food arrives in a way you did not expect, do not push down your feelings and force yourself to silently eat your dish silently vowing not to come back to this establishment. Instead, note your concerns to the server, offering the dish to the wait staff who can take it back to the kitchen and make it right.

Start speaking up and asserting your concerns, while allowing others to make accommodations which would be more pleasing to you.

Nest time someone asks, “What’s wrong?” Don’t hide your feelings. Tell them what’s wrong but temper your expression with respectful compassion. Your tendency might be to start your expressing yourself with the object of what’s bothering you, which places blame and puts the recipient on the defensive.

I Feel Like

If you want whoever it is to hear how you feel, then start with, “I feel like…”

No one can deny how you feel. How you feel is how you feel. Even though you may be expressing your disapproval of something that is based on someone else’s actions, no one can deny that whatever is the object of what has made you feel bad, it’s not disrespectful to the cause.

This is a safe way to express yourself, while taking full responsibility for your own feelings.

Once you get used to the idea of being more open and honest in this way, you can consider talking about things that you have encountered in your past which you have kept secret.

Whatever has happened to you in your past is not good or bad, it just happened. It was a part of your past. You are an amazing person today, and had you not gone through all those experiences, you would not have become the person you are today.

And it is highly likely that once you get to a level about peace about your past, you can help others who share similar tendencies to keep secrets, once you realize the benefits of not keeping secrets.