Blog | David M Masters

Emotional Affair

While there are many types of infidelity, the emotional affair is that gray-area type of infidelity which is vague enough to be implicitly deniable, while counter-accusing any partner who might be picking up on cues that something might not be quite right in the relationship of being paranoid, insecure or over-reactive.

How could someone possible accuse you of being unfaithful when you haven’t actually, “done anything?” You can’t figure out what your partner is upset about.

As insignificant as the emotional affair might seem on the surface because, after all, “It’s not like it’s a sexual affair,” but the damage can be just as significant to an otherwise healthy loving relationship. You might already know that quite often an emotional affair is the gateway to a sexual affair.

Let’s break it down and see if you’re having an emotional affair, or not?

Ask yourself these questions,

Are you having conversations with this third-party that you would prefer that your partner was not aware of?

Are you disclosing negative information or details about your partner, or your relationship with your partner with this third party, “in confidence?”

Do you secretly fantasize (even if it’s never been voiced) that this third party might be a more supportive romantic partner than yours?

Okay, maybe it started innocently enough, but you are feeling the connection that you’re not feeling at home. Who could blame you for wanting that sense of connection? After all, it’s what we’re all looking for, and the longer this is allowed to go on the more essential energy, which fuels your relationship and home, is drained.

That is the crux of the problem at home; you’ve (either one or both of you have) let things erode which will always seem to make the grass look so much greener on the other side of the fence.

The good news is, you’re right. If haven’t crossed the line of actually crossed the line and engaged in sexual infidelity, then there is still hope for the relationship and the potential love waiting for you at home.

This is the perfect time talk about it and to mend fences at home before all your livestock runs amok. With openness, honesty, and humility, you can share with your partner about how this third-party conversation is going.

The truth of the matter is, the fact that you’re entertaining this kind of emotional affair, which may or may not include some open flirtation, is a signal and a sign that things are lacking at home and there is room for improvement.

There is hope that you can rebuild your relationship with your partner, have an open discussion about how things got to be the way they are today and find ways to rekindle the love that you once shared which has waned of late, making you vulnerable to compromise.

You need to come clean with full disclosure about how your attention has been diverted and find ways to establish clear boundaries that you and your partner can agree on, which should include the ability to mention to your partner at the earliest possible moment when you catch your attention wandering.

This is not about accusing anyone of anything or trying to make someone feel bad, it’s about seeing this wandering attention as a sign that it’s time to open up to your partner and draw closer in love.

If you’ve determined this doesn’t sound like a viable option to you, like the work on your relationship is not worth it, then maybe it’s time for you to have a different kind of conversation with your partner and move on.

Falsely Accused

Ever been falsely accused?

You didn’t do it. Yet here you are accused of doing something or having knowledge of something or been an accessory to a crime when you had nothing to do with it.

You could have been set up to take the fall or play the part of the scapegoat, an unwitting actor in a street theater ploy, assumed to be guilty because you were in the wrong place at the wrong time, or caught hanging out with the wrong folks, and assumed guilty by association.

Falsely Accused at Work

I remember the first time I was falsely accused. It was at work following high school, when a co-worker was caught stealing from the company I was working for. I didn’t know anything about the theft, but the owner was convinced that if I wasn’t involved in the theft, I must have had knowledge of it and conspired to help cover up the theft. The owner was very matter-of-fact about it all, would not listen to what I had to say, and he asked me to resign. My spirit and my heart were broken. I knew there was no way I would ever be trusted again at this company after being falsely accused. I left dejected and ashamed even though I had no knowledge of the affair.

That feeling created an emotional anchor which gets triggered anytime someone doesn’t believe me when I am telling the truth, which happens more than my being falsely accused.

Falsely Accused of a Crime

A friend of mine was falsely accused of criminal activity which led to ongoing years of legal battles in an attempt to affirm his claim of innocence. This has been his life’s greatest challenge. I can’t help but watch every moment of his harrowing experience without thinking, “What if that happened to me?”

He has suffered harshly at the hands of the legal system, which seems to be determined to drag him through the mud until all his resources have been spent and he is left penniless and possibly homeless. Then what?

Will he have enough energy, ability, and resources to clear his name once it is determined that he didn’t do it? It has been so awful to witness someone go through something, like this. With my experience with psychopaths, I have seen them try to do this to me but was able to avoid prosecutors taking much notice, even with their best efforts, else this could have been my story, too.

Falsely Accused in Love

Not just limited to my work with couples, I, too, have been falsely accused in a romantic sense, and when someone’s emotions are running high and they’ve worked themselves into a frenzy, convincing themselves that you’re guilty of some impropriety, it can make you feel hopeless, betrayed and abandoned, asking yourself, “where is the love?”

Falsely accusing your partner can promote a deterioration of the sacred trust between partners. Even if not initiated maliciously (because the need to falsely accuse might be a response to an ancient wound or pain from childhood), such an intimate betrayal can result in the destruction of an otherwise healthy, loving relationship, with a world of expansive possibilities.

Falsely Accused in Youth

All of us have been young, had, have, or know young children who have come home upset and/or crying because they have been falsely accused. This is commonly referred to as being bullied, which all forms of falsely accusing someone are forms of bullying. In youngsters, this painful anchor stays with them for life.

Young Aaron was devastated when his teacher falsely accused him of stealing his poem written in honor his friends and awarded his assignment with a red-letter “F” because she said she’d read his poem before on the Internet, even though the poem could not be found on the Internet.

In my work with clients, it is not uncommon for us to trace dark hauntings which have troubled and expressed themselves in different ways contributing to conflict and drama from these childhood traumas from false accusations or bullying.

Why Falsely Accuse?

Except in the cases of malicious psychopaths or sociopaths the people who falsely accuse have their own agenda(s) and may not mean to cause the damage that may be the result of their false accusation. In most cases, their accusation provided them with a sense of relief without thinking through the possible ramifications of their false reports. All they know is that in the moment they feel better about themselves having shifted the focus to someone else.

Kids might boost their self-esteem momentarily or gain peer-points by falsely accusing or bullying someone else. Lovers carrying emotional baggage or have been burned and scarred in the past might accuse motivated by fear or as an act of self-preservation. Workers looking to advance in the workplace might use this method to eliminate the competition or get ahead. Business owners might err on the side of caution to protect their investment for fear of potential loss, or someone might accuse someone of something that didn’t happen to avoid personal conflict or drama. In other more nefarious circumstances, someone might use a false accusation as an act of revenge with the full intent of causing harm to someone else, possibly without thinking through how devastating their accusation might be.

As one person who falsely accused an innocent man of rape said, “30 years in prison seems like a bit severe punishment. Maybe just a few years would be good enough,” before she was found guilty of falsely accusing the man.

Why have people falsely accused others of crimes? Let’s see…

“I didn’t want to get in trouble for skipping school,” after filing a false report identifying a fictitious abductor, or a similar one by a girl who, “didn’t want to get in trouble for missing the bus.”

A woman falsely reported an abduction and rape because she “didn’t want to get in trouble for missing work.”

A girl admitted after her father had served 9 years of a 15-year sentence for sexually abusing his daughter revealed that she made the accusation because she did not to “get in trouble,” for having consensual sex with a young boy.

Being falsely accused leaves a mark and can completely destroy someone’s life. Don’t do it.

If certain people are falsely accusing you, steer clear of them, eliminating their inclination of accusing you of something far worse in the future.

Money and Divorce

“Everything is fair in love and divorce.”

Many comparisons can be made between divorce and war. At the very least most would agree that both divorce and war are emotionally charged and many casualties are suffered in the fighting amidst them.

In many cases, the currency of marital dissolutions is the money associated with not only the divorce itself but the system which promotes and manages the process.

Already emotionally-charged, participants of a divorce are compelled to fight for “what is rightfully mine” in an effort to seek some sort of remuneration for the efforts expended during the marriage, and often, to strike out at the other partner in a final act of revenge.

Financial revenge is an empty purse executed in an effort to regain one’s lost sense of power which does not work.

As I have worked with individuals engaged in the divorce process, at some point (hopefully early on), someone needs to ask the question, “Is the money worth it?” Although, that is not to say that one shouldn’t expect to receive what might be rightfully theirs.

If it is all about the Benjamins, then how does it feel to know that the lawyers and the court system are likely to get more than their fair share of the cash and assets? Quite often, when all is said and done, there is far less to distribute or split, after the resources have been absorbed by the system and the process.

What about the damage which is suffered by the couple engaged in the process of ending the marriage? And you must consider the fall-out of the nuclear family explosion as friends and family are infected with the emotional radioactive poisoning which results from exposure to the blast.

The effects of the ensuing battle for the dollar is far-reaching, and in many cases, after all, is said and done, there is little or no satisfaction from walking away from a well and thoroughly fought divorce with the lion’s share of the cash. Those who have chosen to fight the fight, fought it masterfully and won, report not feeling as good as they thought they would, and some report actually feeling bad or worse.

Divorce can be a negative cyclone of energy, and once you get caught up in this energy’s whirlwind, it can be all-consuming.

The best position to take when ending a marriage is to the best of your ability be mindful about being fair and seeking a win-win resolution throughout the emotionally charged life challenge.

If you and your partner are able to keep your wits about you, you may be miles ahead, if you are able to go through the process via mediation, rather than fighting the war in the battlefield of divorce court. Another upside to mediation is that the lawyers and courts are profiting far less from the affair, than a frontal assault with legal teams fully-loaded. Also, the emotional impact is held to a more respectable level throughout the mediation process.

The most mindful participants in a divorce would be well-advised to assemble their own support team to hold them in a safe and sacred space throughout the process, Team members might include a doctor, financial advisor, mental health professional, health and diet consultant, and a life or relationship coach, among others, to help successfully support you so that you are more able to survive the process with as little loss to your emotional, physical and/or spiritual health.

It’s okay to admit this is a tough time, and you’re somewhat lost in the overwhelm of it all, but you can get through it.

And be forewarned to expect to have to engage a grieving process following the wake of divorce.

Divorce, like war, is nasty business but you can make it through with as few casualties as possible if you are mindful.

Beware the Street Theater Ploy

The street theater ploy (STP) is one of the most effective tools used by psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists, introverts, extroverts, predators, scammers, and manipulators of all sizes, colors, and creeds.

A successfully conducted street theater ploy is like a play that is acted out according to a director’s script, only the players are totally clueless about the part they are playing out for the audience or observer(s) who witness the performance.

A well-orchestrated STP will play out with each individual playing out their part, as they have been programmed to do, not knowing the part they are playing in the overall production being viewed and/or reported from a different vantage point.

The street theater ploy is a clever and effective scam deployed by everyone from corporations, politicians, and governments to single predators, husbands, and wives. Just about anyone could be the director of a street theater ploy. The main objectives of conducting such a coup are to either misdirect the attention of someone or create an event that will strengthen a pre-defined thought process, promote an ideal, or sway the opinion of one or more people.

To successfully conduct a street theater ploy takes a degree of premeditation and skill in manipulating the players to act their parts according to the director’s cues while relying on the “objective” perception and interpretation of the observer(s) from a predefined vantage point to experience a paradigm shift. The intention is to create a significant enough impact on the observer to change the way they felt previously about someone or something.

High-level emotional impact may be a key component, where participants are highly polarized and energetically charged to perform their parts if they are to sway the opinion(s) of the intended audience.

Anyone could be a director and anybody (though not everyone) could be an unwitting participant or observer in a street theater ploy. Very few people will actually participate in a street theater ploy although great numbers of people can be playing their pre-programmed parts en masse throughout the ploy’s run or further spreading the performance’s impact by “witnessing” it from afar and continuing to spread the event via mainstream or social media or in conversations around the water cooler.

The STP is an excellent way to falsely accuse a potential victim and/or to support the case of one who is falsely accused.

You will find street theater ploys used in everything from preliminary setups for everything from false accusation, character assassination, and convicting someone of a crime when no crime was committed to the propagation of corporate insider trading cash advances, promoting political agendas, and full-blown false flag operations.

Careers have been ruined, marriages dismantled, people imprisoned and killed as the result of street theater ploys.

If you are a witness to a street theater ploy, no one could blame you for not truly seeing things as they really are, even if we know full well, that the incident you are witnessing doesn’t make sense or could be beyond belief.

Beware the street theater ploy as they are represented in courtrooms and in the media every day.

It’s Too Late You Gotta Go

Even though my work with couples is highly restorative, there are times when either one or both parties have concluded it’s too late you gotta go leave the relationship. There’s just been too much damage, pain, disregard, betrayal, let downs or other water under the bridge. The trust has eroded, the love is gone, and there is nothing left to work with to build something new.

When this moment has come, one of the partners might be resistant to the idea of dissolving the relationship for good, but for the other partner, who is now exhausted from the constant destruction and rebuilding process in an effort to make things work, it is time to stop the madness and just walk away.

Not that it might not be painful for both parties, but when the pain of staying together outweighs the benefits and adequate solutions, growth and change cannot be embraced or applied over time, the energy it takes to maintain a successful relationship wanes over time.

One of the partners may protest and proclaim their undying love and commitment,

“But I’ll do anything”

In an effort to save the relationship, but it’s too little too late, there is nothing left to work with. If only he or she could have come to that conclusion when there was something left to salvage. And in many cases, a partner will offer up the “I’ll do anything,” plea to prolong a relationship but not the commitment to make the changes necessary to bring the couple closer together. If that is the case, then now, those words are meaningless.

How did we get here?

Sometimes even with the best intentions, two people can let resentment and emotional wounds build up over time. They just sort of gloss-over the hurt feelings and hide them away because they believe this is in the best interest of the relationship. Things just tend to go easier when there is no conflict. It’s easier just to let it go. But you’re not letting it go, you’re storing that pain away, building up an emotional equity that when it reaches critical mass will create a huge conflict in the relationship when it goes off, like a time-bomb.

There may have been things about your partner that you did not recognize (or did not want to see) in the beginning, or the honeymoon phase, of the relationship, but as time has gone on, these things have become more and more apparent, and it looks like there is little hope for change. These can range everywhere from annoying personality quirks to infidelities or harmful addictions, and could have been deal-breakers were you able to grasp the idea of their existence in the beginning. You might not have noticed them because you wanted to believe the best (which is true most of the time) or your partner may have hidden them and now you’re starting to see your partner’s true colors, and it looks like there is no hope for change.

Incompatible core issues, which may have been overlooked in the throes of love, may be a constant irritant, if not the destructor of a potentially otherwise successful relationship. These might be differences of religion, sexual appetite, recreational preferences, childrearing, money issues, work, and retirement plans, among others.

This is why we suggest digging through as many of these potential pitfalls before they become conflictive and barring their disclosure or appearance in advance, it is highly important to have a plan for having difficult conersations and potentially solving conflicts before they arise. If there is no such system in place, you have few (if not no) tools at your disposal for rectifying such opposing views and further deterioration of the relationship is the result.

Insurmountable obstacles and challenges may weaken the energy and resolve of an otherwise healthy relationship. Sometimes something can happen to a couple that rips at the very fabric of a good union, leaving only shreds in its wake, and the result is unsalvageable. Some of these issues might include significant loss of income or resources, change of life or lifestyle, major disease/illness, death in the family (especially a child), etc. While a truly synchronistically-empowered couple may be able to muster the strength to overcome such obstacles, it is next to impossible for a couple on the brink to survive such challenges.

Finally, after it all, one or both partners dies. Not in the physical sense, but more in a mental, emotional, or spiritual sense. They have given up the fight for what they want, let go of their passion(s) and/or desire for a better life. They have selflessly resigned themselves to a life of mediocrity, hoping for the best (an early death for either themselves or their mate). It’s sad but true. Although, in a moment of clarity, this person might awaken enough to feel like extricating him or herself from the relationship is the only way out of such a meaningless life.

These are a few of the ways a couple can suffer irreparable harm which has caused such damage to the relationship over time that it may not be salvageable. At any rate, the truth of the matter is,

It’s Over

The best you can do is to part ways with as much integrity as possible in the best way that you can, blessing your partner and hoping that he or she has a better life to live waiting for him or her. Retain the lessons learned, remember the good times, let go, and find a way to move on.

Is it really time to leave?

Financial Infidelity

We all know there are many types of infidelity and while all types of unfaithfulness can break the trust in a relationship as much (or more so) as an affair, next to sexual infidelity financial infidelity is the destroyer of romantic love relationships in the lives shared by two.

What is financial infidelity?

Financial infidelity is the behavior which is marked by keeping financial secrets, having secret bank accounts, hiding financial affairs from your partner, such as getting a raise and tucking it away instead of sharing it with your partner. People engaged in breaching the sacred bond of trust for financial affairs are prone to making financial decisions, investments, and making purchases which are hidden from the other partner and kept secret.

Money is energy which tends to mirror one’s life and relationship. Your relationship with money will reveal what your relationship with a partner will look like, as well as many other areas of your life and how you perceive and interact with it.

Financial infidelity blocks the flow of energy not only in a relationship but in all areas of life which limits one’s ability to have access to or to experience all the best things in life which are abundantly waiting for you.

Financial infidelity represents festering wounds buried deep within someone who suffers from unworthiness, fear, emotional pain, worry, and doubt. Financial cheaters are often haunted and overcome by the demons of their past.

In relationships, fear is the primary motivator in cheating when it comes to money-related issues. Because you’re afraid that your partner won’t approve of a particular action which involves spending money, you tend to take the action and spend the money under a veil of deceit hoping and praying that your partner never finds out, and you may even be willing to go so far as to lie about it.

To attempt to deal with the issues that lead to financial infidelity is deep inner work that cannot be dictated or mandated. The healing which must take place to bring the cheater to a place where he or she and be open and honest about money issues and sharing and caring for their partner abundantly, which overflows into all areas of life, not just about money, will take some time and effort on the part of the cheater.

How do you confront a financial cheater?

Probably your initial inclination is to react in a fit of rage when you discover your partner is engaged in financial infidelity. Probably not your best option, unless you have a desire to create massive conflict and possibly end the relationship with a great deal of unresolved issues, and painful emotional wounds. At the very least, you will make helping the relationship heal and move forward more problematic by starting with an emotional outburst.
Try to keep your wits about you and muster as much resolve as possible before confronting your partner and try to make this as unconfrontational as possible. As with all important conversations when you want to say, “We need to talk,” try to be sensitive and non-threatening but be explicit about your concerns.

Being the initiator of the conversation, you get to set the tone.

You can start with as much softness and caring as possible in your voice, saying something, like, “Hey, baby,” (or some other tender word that you might use for your partner) “I noticed,” then disclose the discrepancy and let him or her respond in a way that is natural and less defensive than having to respond to an accusation.

Try to keep love as your focal point in your heart and mind as you look through the eyes of love at your partner. Remember that this behavior has a lot of painful inner connections that run deep. If there is any hope for a breakthrough in this kind of behavior, you are holding the keys to this issue.

Try to hold the space for this conversation as sacred, and allow an opportunity for your partner to rebuild trust. While trust can be lost in a heartbeat it takes a lot of love and time to rebuild, but it can be done, and when it does happen, it can bring a couple together closer and create deeper intimacy than could have been possible prior to the breach of trust.

If you can move forward through this rebuilding process together, you (the two or you as a couple) can seek to uncover your partner’s demons from the past and slay them together. This is the highest and best sacred work that a couple could do together fostering growth and change, though due to the highly sensitive nature of the material at hand, your partner may feel the need to do this deep inner work alone.

No matter what the outcome, keep love at the forefront and only good things can come from love in the end.

Love and Money

You’re in love and you must deal with the issue of money in your relationship because as we all know, according to attorneys, money issues are the number one reason that relationships fail.

When should you talk about money in a relationship? Well, certainly not on the first date, but as soon as you are pretty sure it looks like love is in the air and you’re going to be moving into a relationship, “let’s talk about money.” The sooner, the better; within, say, the first two or three months.

If you’re already in a relationship, the time to talk about money is now.

What should you talk about?

Over the course of your life, you have developed certain beliefs and ideas about money which are deeply entrenched in you. For instance, you either believe that money I generally in short supply and there is not enough of it to go around, or that money is energy, comes quickly and easily and is in abundant supply.

Beyond those, you might ask, “What kind of money person am I?” unless you already know, and what type of money person is your partner? You needn’t be of the same money type to have a successful relationship. In fact, it is likely that you will have a higher quality long-standing love affair with someone who is unlike you in terms of their money type.

Understanding this, and being respectful of your partner’s belief systems, you are ready to go to the next level of the money talk, which means being open and honest and disclosing your financial affairs.

It’s not uncommon for one or both parties to bring some debt to the table. This should not be a surprise. Full disclosure is important, or else it will be the focal point of conflict in your relationship which could have been avoided.

The largest debt coming into a relationship which can cripple a couple’s potential is student loan debt which can be 50 to 100 thousand dollars or more and can be manageable. So, get it out on the table and discuss it. There are some creative ways to deal with student loan debt, like student loan consolidation (look around, resources are available, such as www.consolidatecollege.com).

Another debt which is usually visited upon a new relationship (or a periodic challenge in an ongoing relationship) is that of credit card debt. It’s easy, depending on your money type, to rack up a sizeable amount of credit card debt. It creeps up on you and can quickly spin out of control becoming unmanageable. Non-profit and for-fee agencies are available to assist in consolidating your credit card debt so that you can get a handle on it.

What’s my credit score?

You should know. When you’re talking about getting serious get to know your credit score, and your partner should know about his or her credit score also. Each party should be responsible for his/her own credit maintenance. You don’t want to wait until you go to buy something to find out your credit score is lacking or has been compromised; then it’s too late. Stay on top of it. There are many online resources, some are free (or say that they are free, then lure you into a subscription, so be careful), some are fee-based. Find one that is suitable for your situation.

Be Proactive

By all means, do not avoid talking about money issues. Find ways to engage talking about money issues. Make watching a regular TV show about money issues, then talk about what caught your attention. Pick a book about money issues and read through it together, talking about it chapter by chapter, honor your love and your relationship by going through this process, even if it’s uncomfortable, but do something… anything! Don’t let this issue of money be the undoing of your relationship.

See: Money Types in Love

Self Esteem Confidence Appreciation Love

Self-esteem

Self-esteem could be better referred to as your feeling of self-worth as a reflection from the mirror of your outer world, family, and/or society and it is conditional based upon external valuation.

Self-esteem is, “I like myself because I look a particular way.” Or, “I like myself because I do a good job at work,” or, “I like myself because I’m a nice person.”

If you are very critical of yourself, you could probably use some focused attention on raising your self-esteem.

Some personality types exude a false sense of self-esteem, which becomes apparent when they meet life’s challenges, allowing situational circumstances to cause their entire world to fall apart.

Low self-esteem represents a continuum that spans from mild to chronic and is usually marked by fear, unworthiness, reclusiveness, lack of motivation, fatigue, insomnia, assurance-seeking, including checking one’s phone often for some assurance that one’s life might have value. Chronic low self-esteem can lead to suicidal thoughts.

Self-confidence

Self-confident people base the value of themselves on their own valuation more so than on the opinion or seeking approval, of others. Self-confidence is the upgrade to self-esteem. You are competent and confident in yourself and your strengths, understand that you have shortcomings, but when life throws you a curveball, your self-esteem may slump in tune with the situation, but your self-confidence, though it may slip momentarily, will always return to your baseline of self-confidence, enabling you weather most any storm.

If you have good self-confidence, you have a positive inner-dialogue or self-talk, you don’t beat yourself up for missteps, do not seek to blame yourself or others, and are not prone to give much credence to the rumor mill or what others might think. You realize that life is a balancing of give-and-take, ups-and-downs.

Your self-confidence enables you to experience the challenges we face in life without being totally devastated. You can go through hard times and come out on the other side feeling okay about yourself and the world.

Self-acceptance

Self-acceptance is the attribute which trumps self-esteem every time, because self-acceptance asserts, “I’m okay,” no matter what. It’s not based on other’s opinions or what anyone else thinks about you. Self-acceptance resides within you, independently, enabling you to feel good about your strengths as well as embracing your weaknesses as part of your unique character.

You accept yourself for what and who you are and are not prone to bouts of self-deprecating guilt because you can forgive yourself. You realize that it is what it is, and you’re just doing the best with what you have in the moment, which may not always be as right as it could be, or worked out the way you intended, but you meant well, and you can forgive yourself when things don’t work out as planned.

If you accept yourself the way you are, you may not be motivated to engage in much self-improvement because you’re all good just the way you are.

Accepting yourself allows the real you to shine through, without worrying about what others might think. You can relax, be more open and honest about who you are, what you’re feeling, and what you want or need. Self-acceptance is a powerful attribute in love and relationships, ushering in transparency in communication and life, leading to deeper connections and greater intimacy, while also enabling you to allow others to be who they are without judgment.

Self-love

Less enlightened folks will caution against the idea of self-love because they believe loving yourself leads to selfishness, unrestricted indulgences, and egotistical or narcissistic tendencies, which are actually demonstrable personality traits indicating a lack of self-love. You can understand why one might confuse these considering our society’s fear-based programming.

A lack of self-love is also expressed by one’s ability to hate; to hate others and one’s self.

We can manage to express love to others in the absence of great self-love, though this is laborious and is contradictory to the sacred charge to, “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31). Tis better to serve from a cup overflowing.

Lack of self-love is also what motivates us to find love outside of ourselves, which rarely, if ever, provides us the quality of love we seek and long for. Since it is highly unlikely to find and sustain this divine love outside ourselves (though it may feel as though it has been attained in the short-term) relationships decline in love, even if they do manage to stay together.

You were born with the true source of love, though since birth it has been hidden within you, it still is there waiting. It is the Holy Grail tucked away inside your heart, buried in your treasure chest, waiting to be discovered by you. You are the only person who can find, embrace and release its awesome power.

Self-love is powered by the source of all life, a sacred inner appreciation for yourself, regardless of anything external. It represents the connection to divine love that was lost at birth, or soon thereafter. It cannot be worked for or earned, it is a powerful free gift via the real-time connection, and sees you as perfect, as you see yourself through the eyes of God.

Self-love accepts you unconditionally and has the unfailing respect, compassion, and love for you and everything you think and do, regardless, as well as empowering you to love others unconditionally, as your love overflows to them.

Self-love lights the way to experiencing greater love and connection with everyone, and everything everywhere. This love tethers you to original source love and thereby all life.

Why Do Opposites Attract?

When you met, you thought you had so much in common, as you spend more and more time together you discover you have less and less in common. As a matter of fact, the more you think about it… You and he/she are total opposites. You’re feeling the urge to cut and run, and your friends are, like, “Hell yeah.” You can’t help but wonder, “Why do opposites attract?”

So much attention is focused on trying to find similarities in relationships these days that the idea of celebrating the differences would seem ludicrous at best.

In the most successful relationships (not the most manageable or easiest couplings) partners play off each other and the more different you are, the more potential for growth and expansion together.

After having unsuccessfully finding yourself engaged in a relationship with an opposite, you might think, “Who would sign up for that?” I mean, it’s a full-on cluster… and regardless of how tragic it may have been, you’re likely to say (if not now, then later), “but the good times were really good.”

It’s these good times that are indicators of something far superior in the realm of possibilities in the not too far distant future if you’re willing to do the work.

You might think that being a pair of lovebirds would be far superior to being a hawk and a prairie dog trying to manage a relationship. A pair of lovebirds can only expect to experience a certain degree of excitement or growth due to their similarities while the opposites can celebrate their differences, and have the most exciting opportunities for evolutionary advancement in the perfect push/pull balance.

These differences substantiate the idea that your partner should be a mirror for you to reflect who you really are. This feels like an insult or assault, at first, until you look inside and find that your response is tied to an aspect of you, hidden deep within, which is looking for resolution.

“But,” you interrupt, “We’re just too different.”

The fact that you’re in this relationship of opposites is in divine order. This is your opportunity to really move your love and your life to the next level.

If so, you ask,

“How could we possibly get along?”

It’s not easy. It’s a challenge, an opportunity, and a blessing. Your opposite person is the perfect person to help you expand and grow into the highest and best version of yourself. In order to do so, you must be willing to put forth some effort in getting to know your opposite, what makes him or her tick, what sets them off and what makes them connect deeply and be willing to open themselves fully, bearing all of their vulnerabilities, while having faith that you will protect him or her throughout this process. And the same goes for you.

One of you may be loud, the other quiet. One of you seeks the limelight, the other the safety of blending into the audience. One might like to go out, the other more likely to want to stay in. While this couple would be an all-out train wreck in social circles, singles sites, and matchmakers, these two have the makings of the most magnificent marriage.

Why Do Opposites Attract?

We don’t just get to be the way we are overnight. No, we are the result of a lifetime of trial and error. When you were very young, a baby, you either learned that being loud was the way to get the attention you sought, or you discovered that being quiet provided you with your desired response, and so your personality and relationship skills grow from there, making you the kind of person you are today.

You are attracted to the type of person who would complete you, who can assist you in resolving the issues of your past, and find that higher form of love which was in you before you were born, that divinely powerful and unfailing love for yourself and others. The perfect person for you to go on this journey with would be quite unlike you, if not your total opposite. The highest version of you will attract this type of mate because it longs to evolve in truth and love.

Everything is energy, and energy can be expressed and manipulated either by being amplified or constricted, as exemplified in extroverts or introverts.

Even though you are an amazing person, just the way you are, can you say you have achieved your highest and best? Could a better life be waiting for you?

Celebrating your differences and creating sacred relational space for your opposite to thrive (or retreat to) comes from being open, aware, vulnerable and compassionate. Yes, it’s a give-and-take, and make room for a bit of stress or strain, for nothing amazingly magnificent comes from no effort, no commitment, no discomfort, no work.

By aligning yourself with an opposite and moving forward, you begin to realize that what appeared to be problematic obstacles, were really only the catalyst for creative tension leading the way to evolutionary expansion.

Over time, as you both experience metamorphosis throughout the tenure of your relationship, you do find yourselves in a synchronous relationship in harmony, deeper love, connection, and intimacy, if you continue to do the work.

Here you are, on the brink of utter amazing possibilities and you feel like breaking weak and turning tail to run in the opposite direction, which what you really should do is to draw closer, closer, and even more closer because you really do want the best this life has to offer.

Sure, you could settle for easy or doable, but something inside you wants something more than mediocrity in this life.

If your relationship looks like a disaster in the making, think about it and search inside, and ask yourself,

“Is this potentially your best hook up ever?”

So, buckle up buttercup, because you’re in for the ride of your life if you dare to take on embracing your opposite and forging your new path together into a glorious future which lies ahead.

Marriage is Good Medicine

There is no doubt that marriage is good medicine. The statistics reinforce the fact that happily married couples have the market cornered of improved health, wellness and longevity when compared to their cohabitating contemporaries. It stands to reason, if you want to be healthier, live longer and prolong living a better life, you might want to consider getting married because marriage is good medicine.

12 Health Benefits of Marriage

1. More rested sleep
2. Look younger
3. Enjoy a greater sense of safety and security
4. Feel better, healthier, have more energy
5. Improved immune system for fighting disease
6. Less likely to suffer from stress or depression
7. Fewer cases of psychiatric disorders
8. More likely to quickly recover and survive surgical procedures
9. Have fewer strokes and heart attacks
10. Less likely to get cancer
11. Married cancer patients more likely to extend life or survive
12. Enjoy longer lifespan than cohabitators

And for men, who get a bad rap for being commitment-phobic and less interested in tying the knot, there is even more good news for those who do, as we know married men earn more money, and have better sex lives than their cohabitating peers, which also contributes to having higher sense of safety and security, self-esteem, and increased physical and mental health.

You might ask, “How is all this is possible?”

Scientists have been hard at work to uncover the science behind the health benefits of marriage for years, and if you look at the science behind it all, you, too, could only conclude that the fact remains, marriage is good medicine.

Why is Marriage So Healthy?

The answer to, “Why is marriage so healthy?” is multifaceted, as you might have guessed.

For those among the religious or spiritual communities, they have been staunch proponents of marriage and maintain that the taking of sacred vows increases spiritual connection, and that this greater connection between two committed people is responsible for greater health and wellness, while strengthening the God-connection, attracting, even more, blessings (or some variant thereof).

Scientists take a different approach. The science bears out that people who have entered into the marital contract, and have what would be referred to as “good marriages” have higher levels of the healthy and happy hormones, and less of the harmful ones.

What’s wrong with living together?

And you might also ask, “Why is a marriage so much better than living together?”

Scientists maintain the distinction of good vs. bad marriages is important because if you are in a “bad marriage,” one that is highly dysfunctional (though all marriages have some degree of dysfunction) or abusive, you do not enjoy the health benefits of marriage and it may even promote ill health, greater risk of disease and higher mortality rates.

In this case, you would be better off in a reasonably convenient relationship living together than to be in a bad marriage, and that is probably why you see fewer marriages among our younger generations these days, for who of us has not seen someone we care about go through a horrible marriage and divorce? (Some of us, even in the first-person.) Such a person might ask, “Who in their right mind would willingly sign up for such pain and misery?”

There is no doubt there is a reasonable risk upon the entering of any agreement or contract, especially a long-standing one. Banks will tell you there is a certain amount of risk in someone’s ability to make a 5-year commitment to buy a car or even more risk in a 30-year commitment to pay for a home, but a commitment for a lifetime? “Until death do we part” seems unfathomable.

Harville Hendrix has suggested that the distinguishing factor which draws the line between happy marrieds and happy cohabitators is ambivalence. Hendrix says, “If you’re not committed, then anxiety is associated with your level of lack of commitment. When that ambivalence goes away, the anxiety goes down, and the chemicals begin to flow and all the good things that we apparently are, happen as a result of that intimate bond.”

Nonetheless, something magical happens when two are joined in holy matrimony, whether it is due to an increased spiritual connection or lack of ambivalence, they do live happier, healthier and longer lives than those who cohabitate.

All the reasons may not be as black-and-white as we’d like them to be, yet couples who are married continue to live better lives than those who live together, and they enjoy all the health benefits indicating marriage is good medicine.