betrayal

7 Steps to Recovery from the Affair Infidelity

It happened. You found out, by whatever means that your partner was unfaithful. Here are 7 steps to recovery from the affair. Infidelity has broken your trust and the relationship, but there might still be a chance you can recover from the affair and resume life with the cheater, if you can include these 7 steps in your process of healing and growth together.

Upon discovery, how the couple moves from this point forward will give you a good idea about how you might be able to predict if there is hope for your relationship after infidelity.

People make mistakes, and none of us is flawless. We all experience moments or weakness or indiscretion, but this need not be the death blow to your relationship, though it may feel like that when you first become aware that your partner has cheated on you.

7 Steps to Recovery from the Affair Infidelity

There is a successful formula that can be followed to achieve the best results possible when discovering an affair, dealing with the cheater and the betrayal, and reconciling. Note that even in the best of circumstances, only one of four sincere attempts as at recovery achieve a satisfactory degree of success.

If your attempt to reconcile includes the following 7 ingredients, these elements greatly enhance your chances of success.

1. Initial Separation

When one first hears about or otherwise discovers that there has been a betrayal of trust in the relationship, the initial emotional reactions of either or both parties may be counterproductive to recovering from the affair. It is suggested that a period of separation be imposed by the betrayed to establish a period of time (a minimum of 72 hours or more as designated by the victim) for the victim to have time to process the information and achieve grounding before digging into the details of the tryst. It also gives the unfaithful partner time to consider the gravity of his or her actions. If, during the separation, he or she who conducted the affair contacts the extra-relational partner (especially if sexual conduct is involved) or acts as if he or she is “single,” this will indicate the relationship is unsalvageable, even if the betrayed partner has no awareness of it.

2. Full Disclosure

When the betrayer is forthcoming in disclosing the details openly and honesty, there is a great deal of hope for recovering from the infidelity. The unfaithful partner must be remorseful, and humble. This can be extremely difficult for both parties. The victim of the affair must take caution in asking about details of the affair and have the strength to deal with the answers received in the best way possible. This is very sensitive territory and it will be hard for the partner who had the affair to be forthcoming because he or she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. That’s why they would rather lie about it, because in most circumstances, he or she still loves you. To prove it, he or she will be…

3. Stepping Down

The cheater must be willing to step down and let the suffering partner take chief position in the effort of trying to repair the damage caused by the infidelity. The betrayer has usurped his or her authority by stepping outside the healthy bounds of the relationship. For recovery to be possible, they must be willing to hand the torch to the victim of the betrayal, who will now direct how the process of recovery will go. While steeping down, adopting remorseful humility and establish non-defensive approach to reconciling, will empower effort to reconcile for a more positive and sustainable outcome.

4. Focus on Rebuilding Trust

The trust has been broken and without trust there is no authentic relationship. The victim takes the role of the conductor, guiding the couple through any steps that might be necessary to rebuild the trust. Patience, humility, and loving-kindness in the attitude and responses offered by he or she who conducted the affair will help move things in a positive manner, but be forewarned that this may be a lengthy process as wounds from infidelity often run deep and are the most difficult to heal. This healing will take hard work, dedication, and time.

5. No Contact

The partner who has conducted the affair must be willing to sever all ties to the person who was involved in the act(s) of infidelity. According to the offended partner, the offender may have to conduct a message of “ending it once and for all” with the person with whom he or she conducted the affair with. The wounded partner may want to participate in the statement of final statement of closure in person, or listening in on the statement. Such a message of closure must also include a statement of love, commitment, and dedication to recovery to the betrayed partner. This individual must be avoided at all cost and may have to include a change of job or social interactive circumstances.

6. No Secrets

The unfaithful partner must be willing to live their future with full confidence in the betrayed partner, willing to commit to a full disclosure vibration, keeping no secrets from the partner. If there are any secrets kept, they should be kept with the wounded partner, no one else, in the recovery process. This may include full disclosure or passwords and other keys, surrendering of burner phones and inclusion of historical records, including banking or other secluded information. 100% openness and transparency indicates increased hope of successful reconciliation.

7. Focused Healing

Both parties must be focused on the healing that is necessary to recover from the betrayal of trust in the relationship. Wounded victims may suffer not only emotionally but physiological suffering may have a negative expression in the biological sphere of the betrayed. This may expressed as a deterioration of immunity, loss of energy and added propensity to chronic fatigue syndrome, depression, and/or increased risk of sickness or disease. If both participants are focused on the healing and reparation of the relationship, there is a greatly enhanced hope for recovery.

With these 7 steps to recovery from the affair, infidelity recovery can be possible if two people are committed to arriving at a possible outcome and if they are a part of the recovery process can greatly increase your probability of success.

If you can survive this as a couple, you may be able to continue to grow and increase your intimate connection having survived such a challenge and emerge as one of the power couples that the rest of us mere mortal admire so much.

May you be such an example of overcoming and rising to new height of love and life that we all aspire to.

If not, know that a faithful, loving, and monogamous partner is waiting for you, but he or she will not be able to appear until you have released this one, and signed off on the final chapter of this part of your journey.

Higher Perspective of Trust Betrayal

When dealing the effects and aftereffects of broken trust, betrayal, unfaithfulness, having suffered at the hands of cheaters and liars, or being victimized manipulative predators or psychopaths, it’s natural to take it personally, but there is a higher perspective of trust betrayal.

When you’ve trusted someone and they betray you, you conjure up a symphony of wild emotions which are all chained together with all the times you’ve ever been betrayed. Every betrayal is worse than the last as the cascading emotional flood ensues.

Under these conditions, it’s easy to lose control of your faculties as you protest profusely for trusting someone who couldn’t be trusted, and you are hurt so very deeply.

What can you do?

You could choose to forgive. Forgiveness releases you from the victimization, but it doesn’t mean you must tolerate the betrayal. Forgiving your transgressor means you’re willing to not harbor ill will or seek retaliation or revenge. Forgiveness frees you from most of the negative impact but does not excuse their behavior and you needn’t submit yourself to putting yourself in a weakened position of having to allow the person who hurt you to continue to do so.

Forgiveness releases you from being the victim as you realize that while you can love or trust someone sometimes people are not able to maintain the same level of trust that you are able to have in others. You retain the learnings from the episodic adventure, hopefully discovering what part you played in the twisted tryst and become a better person for having survived such an affair.

As a victim of trust betrayal, it is easy to assign blame. You can blame the other person for doing you wrong, but this only prolongs your suffering. Accepting the blame, yourself, seeing the part you played in this betrayal of trust and taking full responsibility empowers you to be free from the whole debacle.

If you can muster up the imagery which understands that none of us are perfect, we all make mistakes, and understanding that we’re all doing the best we can with what we have. You have just witnessed someone doing the best they could with what they had, and you were in a sense, the shock absorber designated to endure this scenario because someone else may not have fared as well as you did. It could have been worse.

Then, there is time. They say it heals all wounds, and for the most part it does, but trusting that person again, could be another story altogether. Just as we choose who we love, we also choose who we will trust, and who we may learn to trust again, given time and personal growth on the part or both parties.

Those who trust expecting others to be trusted and betrayers are a harmonic match for each other. Only growing beyond expectations of the obedience and unlimited respect of another person will set you in a vibrational frequency above such human interaction. If you can achieve this, you cannot be betrayed because you are no longer attached to the preconceived idea that anyone owes you anything. You simply love and allow other to just “be.”

The higher perspective of trust betrayal sees no trust or betrayal. Any interpersonal problems you have are only a matter of selfish misperception. If we can perceive correctly that we are all “one,” each of us an integral part of the other, as we are all a part of the whole, we could never hurt or be hurt.

We are all God’s eyes and ears in human form experiencing life in different ways. No one is ever broken or bad, just experiencing this life in ways that may be different than you are in this moment of now.

This doesn’t mean that you will never be disappointed in someone else’s performance, ability, or lack thereof. It also doesn’t imply there is no responsibility nor consequences for one’s actions. It just means that you are less attached to your expectation which may be beyond another person’s capability, and you allow others just as much unconditional love as you might expect for yourself.

This is the higher perspective of trust betrayal which liberates you from the lower vibration of attachment to unreasonable expectations and keeps you safe, free, above and outside the cycle where others are trapped until they are able to raise their frequencies on their own.

The good news is, this is part of the evolution of humanity which our species is expanding into. It will mean the end of separation and war, leading to our oneness and peace.

For more information, see: Trust Betrayal dot com.

Stabbed in the Back

You’ve opened your heart, trusted someone you cared about, allowed yourself to be vulnerable, and he or she stabbed you in the back. Now, you look back and can see every red flag that indicated this might be coming, and you ignored them because you saw the only goodness and the sacred potential in this person. Still, you were stabbed in the back.

People disrespect you, friends let you down, even your own family could betray you. No doubt, betrayal leaves wounds and scars that can endure and cause the deterioration of your entire system, body, mind, and spirit.

What should you do when you’ve been stabbed in the back?

Jesus had the nerve to suggest you should forgive those who stab you in the back 7 times 70 times (Matthew 18:22), and I’m certain that it’s not about the math problem so much as it is about if someone stabs you in the back you should just forgive them over and over again.

Forgive them, yes, but do not let them walk all over you.

What can you do when you’ve been stabbed in the back?

You can forgive them for not honoring your ability to ability to only see them in the best light. No need to punish yourself for putting your faith in – and trusting – someone else, which would be the natural response of your ego which stands in judgment of everyone and everything, even you.

At the very least, take sacred action to set boundaries for those who disrespect you, and distance yourself from those you know have a propensity to stab you in the back.

You are responsible for the perseverance of your sacred space. Do not let anyone take your power away or have dominion over you. Remember that even in the worst situations someone may be able to impose their will over your body, but you must allow them to have dominion over your mind. Stop giving your power away. Do not allow them to exert authority over your mind.

Pay more attention. Remember the old adage, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you.” Not all people are loving, open, honest, and respectful of others, like you. Every now and then, your bound to run across the occasional psychopath, sociopath or narcissist, who could certainly throw your otherwise peaceful or harmonious life off-balance, or worse, even turn your whole world upside down.

Unfortunately, there are people out there who do not have your best interest at heart. Some people are just toxic, and it’s up to you to decide what’s best for you to do.

When you’re just getting started setting boundaries, “back off,” and a firm, “no” are good ways to protect your sacred space. Drawing firm lines in the sand (metaphorically or otherwise) around you is also effective.

When you’re totally comfortable with the idea of protecting yourself from the negative influence or impact of others on your psychological wellbeing or your life at all, then you can consider the idea of loving them unconditionally.

Loving others, and blessing those who hurt you, is a tough row to hoe, but if you wrap your heart and mind around the idea that everyone (including you) is only doing the best with what they have, you might be able to imagine having compassion (not feeling sorry) for that person. Consider, if you were in his or her shoes, having lived the very life that he/she had lived up to that point, you would have responded in exactly the same way.

You might be able to find the wherewithal to forgive the person by whom you were stabbed in the back, or maybe even not judge them for any wrongdoing at all, for they were simply doing the best the could with the tools they had at the time.

Don’t worry if all that love seems inconceivable at present, but at the very least, stop letting yourself be stabbed in the back.

It’s up to you to do it.

For more information, see: Trust Betrayal dot com.

There are so many types and styles of betrayal that to try to delineate what betrayal could construe would be fruitless because you know what betrayal is. You know what betrayal is between two or more people and what it feels like if you have ever been betrayed; and who of us has not experienced a betrayal at one time or another?

The idea of betrayal assumes there is someone who is actively betraying (antagonist) and someone who is being betrayed (the protagonist). In essence, for there to be a betrayal there must two parts of betrayal, a “betrayer” and a “betrayee.” This also assumes that there is a good guy (the one being betrayed) and a bad guy (the one doing the betraying).

The pain associated with being betrayed can be immensely powerful and overwhelming across the entire spectrum of emotions. On one end of the spectrum a victim of betrayal can be overcome with hatred, anger, even become violent. On the other end of the spectrum, someone can be so hurt that they get depressed, completely immobilized, cognitive and physiological systems start to shut down, and may even consider taking their own life due to the betrayal.

Betrayal is a serious business and comes at an incredible price to participants involved in the betrayal.

The first order of business in a betrayal is the protection of the person who feels he or she has been victimized or hurt by the betrayal. As soon as possible, the victim of a betrayal must be able to find a safe place to prevent further victimization, and actively find ways to feel good enough to seek healing and a better state of being happy, if possible.

A victim of betrayal must have the raw materials (energy and reasonably cognitive state) to work through the process of healing with the least amount of damage to self, the person who betrayed him or her, or others who may be impacted by the betrayal who may or may not have participated in the event.

Once the victim is feeling good enough to deal with the details of the situation, then processing the details of the scenario can be broken down and evaluated. Keeping in mind that in every negatively impactful event in life, there is a secret/hidden treasure to be uncovered which is a clue or harkens the victim to an enlightened state of personal growth.

Seek to understand and retain the precious lesson(s).

The motive is an important component in a betrayal, for some betrayal is intentional, while other forms of betrayal can be accidental or unintentional. This can cloud and complicate judging the part the antagonist played in victimizing the one who has been betrayed.

It can also complicate any hope of healing the relationship between two players in an interpersonal episode of betrayal. If the relationship is strong enough, there can be hope of healing, but trust is hard to rebuild once it is broken.

A significant breach of trust can possibly be forgiven, but the rebuilding of trust after a breach of trust will take time.

Once the healing process has been initiated, regardless of the impact and the players, a victim of betrayal may seek to opt out of the cycle of betrayal altogether.

This will sound like an impossibility at first blush, but given time to simmer, the idea may become more appealing over time.

There are a growing number of people amidst the awakening process who are bulletproof when it comes to victimization. These people can never be victimized, are less likely to judge others, and are more accepting of life’s natural unfolding, extracting every drop of goodness without being negatively affected by anything that might have previously considered “bad.”

If you keep an open mind, you can get there from here.

For more information, see: Trust Betrayal dot com.

Forgiveness is the Key

You are the result of a lifetime of abuse and victimization from the sound of your first cry for life until today, you have survived and endured judgment, false accusations, injustice, betrayal, abuse, and trauma. It’s a wonder you’ve made it this far at all.

You are a bundle of emotional wounds and garbage you’ve collected over the course of your life, which explains a lot about who you are and how you respond to the world around you. After all, nobody knows better than you, that you’re the only person you can count on to look after you. This is your primary objective.

You surround yourself with emotional tripwires and landmines to protect yourself and you try to keep all those emotional wounds hidden and suppressed, which is the highest level of self-abuse. All that unresolved trauma compromises your immune system, promotes premature aging, makes you more prone to sickness and disease. If that weren’t enough, is also keeping you separated from all the best things in life.

The fortress you’ve built to protect yourself is nearly impenetrable. You might applaud yourself for doing such a good job of protecting yourself. From inside your fortress you feel safe but if you could see from a higher perspective, you could see you have sentenced yourself to a life in prison of your own making.

Forgiveness is the Key

Forgiveness is the key to unlock every level of containment you’ve subjected yourself to.

There’s no denying the multitude of transgressions you’ve endured. The wounds run so very deep. Your pain, fear, and the repressed anger from the grudges you maintain are weapons of those who hurt you in the first place. They continue to hurt and abuse you every moment that you harbor unforgiveness.

The first thought which you might consider would be to ask the question, “Why would I forgive someone for doing that to me?” and you might rather see them punished for what they did, but contemplating retribution is another way the victimizer continues to have power over his or her victim.

Not only are you a victim of your abuser but you subject yourself to continued self-abuse by second-guessing yourself, and feeling guilty, wondering how you could have let someone do that to you? Setting up emotional blockades and numbing your own emotions so that you can’t be hurt like that again.

Playing the part of the victim does offer you emotional support from others who might feel sorry for you, which helps to ease the pain, but it also cements your position in being continually victimized by your abuser.

Forgiveness Can Set You Free

Forgiveness starts with you. You must forgive yourself first. You are not responsible for any of the emotional pain you’ve endured. You never deserved to be disrespected, mistreated, or abused. You were innocent. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time, or maybe you suffered the abuse because you were strong enough to take it, like a shock absorber, sparing someone else who could not have survived the abuse.

You cannot control what other people do. You are only in control of your own life and forgiving yourself, absolving yourself from any sense of wrongdoing or deservedness is implicit.

Forgive Them

You are not required to face or confront your aggressor(s), all you need to do is to realize that these people were only doing the best they could with what they had at the time. Just as you were only doing the best you could with what you had at that time.

You might even offer up a little empathy, that had you lived that person’s life, you might have committed the same atrocities.

Forgive them. Forgiving them is not about them at all, it’s more about you forgiving them so that you can go on with your life without them continually exerting additional abuse to you over time.

Your forgiveness is complete, when you can look back at the episode without pain, guilt, or anger, and can truly hope that he or she finds his or her own way to claim a better life for themselves in love, without having to strike out at others anymore.

You can learn the lessons from your past without having to carry around all that emotional baggage. No need to seclude yourself deep within your fortress.

You can be free, and forgiveness is the key.

How to Get Over Betrayal by Family

Who would have thought you would be betrayed by your own family? These are the people you trusted, you grew up with, they’re supposed to have your back, not stab you in the back. Regardless, welcome to the real world with one hell of a wakeup call, so now you need to know how to get over betrayal by family members.

You must come to grips with the fact that betrayal by family members is quite common and has been going on for years. This is a key component of some of the greatest stories and melodramas of all time. There’s something terribly unsettling with not being able to trust your own family.

Who is better qualified to break you down and expose you for every weakness you have, or any misstep you’ve ever made but the people who know you best and have been the closest to you. Even the Bible warns of it, “your worst enemies will be the members of your own family” (Matthew 10:36) and if that wasn’t enough, try this on for size, “Even those closest to you–your parents, brothers, relatives, and friends–will betray you. They will even kill some of you” (Luke 21:16).

While you might expect to be the victim of betrayal of friends or most anyone, it never occurs to you that your family might be the ones who turn out to be the most toxic individuals, or your enemies, until it happens to you and you’re left having to deal with betrayal.

You can rack your brain and tear up your heart by trying to figure out why, so to put your mind at ease, so you can get on to the business of dealing with the betrayal by your family, one of the most common reasons you might be betrayed by family is jealousy.

If you’re in a position to enjoy life more fully and completely than your family member who feels he or she is more deserving, they might be tempted to throw a wrench into the machine to cause your potential success to fail. (You might remember this if you have siblings, as there is a constant struggle for familial support.)

A family member might want to knock you down a peg or two in an effort to even the playing field or even usurp their authority over you as if to prove you couldn’t possibly make it without them (and they will destroy you if they have to, to prove it).

Your parent, sibling, or another member of your family might just be a control freak and seek to control you and many areas of your life. Just try exerting your own independence and watch them rear their ugly heads to take notice and knock you down. Then kick you while you’re down there just to teach you a lesson.

Then there are the haters, those negative people who can’t help themselves, their first thought is to attack anyone, for no apparent reason, just to spread the hate. They are hardwired to be hatemongers and there’s nothing they can do about it.

Regardless of why you have been betrayed by your family, nothing hurts worse than being betrayed by those who are closest to you leaving heartfelt wounds and scars, and you must take steps to protect yourself from this kind of abuse.

Do not waste your energy arguing and fighting with the family who has betrayed you.

If you want to know how to get over the betrayal by family members, you have to distance yourself from the abuse. In a sense, you must disavow and relation to the members of your family who have turned against you. I don’t mean to lie to yourself, or anyone else about being related to them, but you must stop treating them like family if they have posted up to treat you as their enemy.

You must treat betraying family members just like anyone else who might abuse or betray you. You need to protect yourself from the abuse and not create opportunities for them to further abuse, trash, or attack you in any way.

When you are attacked by a member of your family, you must treat this person just as you would any other toxic person in your life.

There is life after betrayal. Bless them because they are your family, but walk away, and brush their dirt from your shoes. Don’t look back, and just keep walking.

A genuine family member would support you in all that you do and bless you as you make your own way. They want to see you become the best person you can be and enjoy the best life you could have, even help you in making it happen.

Real family loves and supports you no matter what you’re going through, in your best moments, and those less glamorous, and they love you just the way you are.

If not, you must protect yourself.

For more information, see: Family Betrayal

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Life After Trust and Betrayal

Yes, there is life after trust and betrayal. Because you don’t live in a vacuum, you want to trust someone enough to establish a close relationship wherein you may share the intimate portions of your life. While relationships of all kinds are readily available, most of them are superficial at best. Yet you long to have a deeper connection with a person, someone you can be honest and open with, someone you can depend on, someone you can trust.

Trust doesn’t come easily, especially for you, if you’ve trusted before and have suffered the consequences of trusting someone who was untrustworthy or demonstrated betrayal of trust. If you trusted someone, then found out later trusting them was not in your best interest, then there is the likelihood you have been wounded by the experience.

The betrayal leaves wounds and scars which cannot be seen by outward appearance, though the emotional suffering which results from a misplaced trust can be much more painful than being bludgeoned by a gang of bloodthirsty thugs, and last much longer.

Is it any wonder you might think twice before entering that dark alley of trust again? How can you know if you can trust someone or, not?

You have a natural inclination to trust others, or not, based on the conditions under which you were raised. We learn either to trust or not trust others with the sensitive details of our life when we are young, and progress through adulthood.

Trust is a give-and-take endeavor, if you feel as though you cannot trust others, you will not likely be as open and honest as you could be, and you will live a heavily-guarded emotional life, feeling mostly disconnected and alone, but also have a sense of safety by not exposing yourself to potential betrayal.

You’re no fool. You are a keen observer of others and can decide whether someone is trustworthy in ten seconds. Every now and then, you find someone. Someone who appears to be trustworthy, someone you resonate with, someone you call friend, and you believe you can trust him or her, so after prolonged observation and data collection, you open up.

You put yourself out there, even if it is infrequently or a rare occasion because you desire this deep connection with another person, one that can only be achieved by trusting someone outside yourself who reciprocates with an equal degree of trust. This is the basis of true intimacy.

Then, before you know it, the trust is broken and you’ve been betrayed by your friend. Though, if you could consider the possibility, even if only for a moment, there is a forty percent chance the breach of trust was the result of your self-fulfilling prophecy.

You allowed yourself to question the idea of trusting anyone, therefore if you actually do trust someone, you expect to be betrayed, so the betrayal manifests itself, even if no betrayal actually took place. Not the best approach in dealing with betrayal.

It’s true, in many cases, a perceived breach of trust was actually a tragic miscommunication between people, which appeared to one or more of the participants as a breach of trust because that’s what he or she was looking for. When the red flag of mistrust was first perceived (even though it may not have actually been waived) the person who expected betrayal, points a finger and shouts, “I knew it!” Further supporting the position that no one can be trusted.

Casual relationships needn’t rely on a high level of trust and are therefore easier to maintain. Given a certain amount of time, a superficial relationship can morph into a more intimate relationship unbeknownst to the person who would otherwise be unlikely to trust. Nonetheless, trust slips in under the radar, and before you know it, someone else has trashed your trust in them, yet again. Though, in this case, there was never any expectation of trust communicated.

It is best, when communicating any sensitive information to someone, to at the very least, let them know that you are trusting him or her, as if to place a delicate crystal bauble in his or her hands with the expectation that he or she will care for it respectfully, protecting it from harm, so as not to damage it while in their possession, and have them acknowledge their commitment to you to keep it safe. It is clearly understood that you do not expect, and it would be devastating to you if he or she threw it onto the ground and crashed it into a million pieces.

Not setting the ground rules of the expectation of trusting someone with something is just not fair, for how is the person supposed to know, as we all regard different things as “sensitive information.” What might be highly sensitive to one person might only be interesting or humorous to someone else, without the proper supporting framework. After all, we can’t possibly know what’s going on inside someone else’s head.

And if you’re carrying around emotional wounds from past betrayals of trust, consider the idea of letting the anchors to those painful wounds go.

If you can allow your mind to conceive of the idea, you might be able to imagine the point of view of your transgressor. What if he or she was doing what they were doing (which encompassed the breaking of your trust) from an entirely different perspective than your vantage point, when the betrayal occurred?

If it is true, that

we’re all doing the best we can with what we have

Then, there was no malicious intent of the person who conducted the breach of trust. In fact, that person had no idea (or maybe they did) that trust would be broken. What was going on in the mind and life of that person in that period of time in space left him or her with no other option but to make the decision to take the action which hurt you.

Has there ever been a time when you were falsely accused due to a misinterpretation when someone was unable to see something from your point of view?

If you were that person, had lived his or her life up until that point, and if you were under the exact same circumstances as he or she was in, in that moment… You would have done the same thing.

You could recoil in self-righteousness and say, “No, I wouldn’t.” But that is not true because had you been that person, you would have done the same thing, likely not for the reasons or with the intent which you have associated with the other person’s actions though.

Through empathetic understanding, try to imagine what was going on inside the emotional body and mind of the person you felt betrayed by. Why might they have felt like there was no other option? Be brave enough to try to compassionately imagine what it might have been like to been him or her in that moment in time. How hard might it have been?

Then, if you dare, forgive them, one by one.

You don’t have to tell them or confront them, you only have to forgive them in your own heart, and if you have the ability and the courage, to not carry a grudge and let it go.

There is hope for you, even if you believe that people cannot be trusted, that you can live to love and trust someone in a deeply connected relationship.

You have much love to give.

For more information, see: Trust Betrayal dot com.

You’ve Been Deceived Now What?

You’ve trusted someone… and they let you down, cheated, lied, committed a criminal act, or otherwise taken advantage of you. When you’ve been deceived, your first instinct might be to ask the question, “How could I have let this happen?”

You need to cut yourself some slack as soon as possible because the fact is that we are surrounded by manipulative people who seek out good and honest people whom they can take advantage of. They can be quite crafty and covert and the fact that they chose you is a compliment to your character and an indication of his or her lack of character.

We all tend to project our own morality onto those within proximity. For instance, if you’re an honest, trustworthy person, you tend to see others as being honest and trustworthy, while liars see others as dishonest, and fear others are always hiding something and may deserve to be taken advantage of.

You’re somewhat in a state of shock because you wouldn’t think of doing this to someone else. Ready yourself to forgive yourself for falling victim to this circumstance, it was not your fault. You are not responsible for someone else’s misdeeds.

Of course, The kind of betrayal I am referencing is the misdeed with malicious intent, you must distinguish this type of activity from an honest mistake. Sometimes someone whom you’ve trusted does something that results in your feeling betrayed, but there was a distinct lack of malice, more likely they hadn’t thought things through far enough or realized that their inattention to detail would be offensive to you.

If someone has simply made the mistake of crossing you unwittingly, cut them some slack, and prepare to forgive them.

Be aware that there are people who may be looking to take advantage of others, but do not fall into the trap of living in fear. Many people may have the tendency to exploit others, and may include personality profiles such as narcissists, sociopaths and/or psychopaths, who are well-versed in building your confidence in them and grooming others for “the take.”

Once you’ve correctly diagnosed a person as one who would lie or otherwise take advantage of you, realize they are a snake. As much as they might beg forgiveness or try to charm you otherwise, a snake is a snake, and it will only set you up to bite you, even worse the next time.

Can people change? Yes. I am in the change business and I see it every day, but you have to learn how to deal with a liar, look out for you and take care of yourself and the others whom you care about. This is your responsibility. If this snake is a repeat offender, you have to do the right thing and take the action which is best for you and yours.

In becoming aware of the existence of individuals who may not have your best interests at heart, learn early detection methods of determining when someone might be being less than honest and pay more attention to potential warning signs early on when you are getting to know someone.

In the event that you are having a twinge, a sense that someone may not be as they appear, don’t be shy about checking out the details for accuracy. If you are uncovering holes in their stories and blatant inaccuracies, there’s no need to confront them about it, just place a safe distance between yourself and this person, and don’t let down your guard around this person.

Now that you are becoming more aware of people and learning how to see people as they really are, be careful not to fall into the trap of seeing everyone as a potential threat. Not everyone is out to get you, but once victimized, it can be easy to be absorbed in perpetual victim mentality (which will only attract more predators) so avoid the temptation to do so.

Remember the good and honest, trusting person that you were before this incident and embrace that part of you even more, only being aware enough to protect yourself in the future.

For more information, see: Trust Betrayal dot com.

Self Destruct

Why do I have a tendency to self destruct? Am I my own worst enemy? Why am I so self destructive? What is wrong with me? What’s wrong with you?

It’s not just President Trump who has the power to destroy the world with the push of a button, we all have this power to destroy worlds within our own universe and bring the end of the world as we know it.

Sometimes, we burn bridges, pour gas on people whom we feel have wronged us, light the match and walk away. Occasionally we hit the self-destruct button or just nuke the whole shebang.

Why you would do such a thing is beyond me, and years of therapeutic process may (or may not) help to uncover the roots of one’s self destructive behavior.

Am I immune from having a tendency to self destruct? No, I don’t think anyone is immune from some form of self sabotage.

Regrettably, I’ve dropped a few bombs myself. I think we all do it when we’ve felt hurt, betrayed or disrespected. When your feelings are hurt, striking out in self defense seems like the best option at the time, so you hit the button… and in that moment, you feel better about yourself.

You feel better than feeling hurt when you’ve struck back. You might even feel really good… for a while.

You might even feel like your life will be so much better without this-or-that in your life at all, so you rationalize total decimation is not only warranted but acceptable or preferable. You are happy you pushed the button.

In the case of physical abuse, certainly methods of isolating yourself from others in a way that prevents further abuse are worth contemplating.

Do you have to destroy everything?

This is an important question to ask yourself before you push the button. When you’re considering lighting a match, pulling the trigger, pushing the button or dropping a bomb, asking yourself,

What are the far reaching effects of this destruction?

May be worth the momentary pause or distraction before you launch your attack (or counter attack), even if for consideration for the briefest of moments.

Oftentimes, the actions that we take – especially those actions conducted in the heat of the moment – do not serve us well in the long-run. At some time following the taking of such an action, we begin to realize this, start to feel bad (remorse), possibly even guilt, sorrow or depression.

We find ourselves struggling with our decision to lash out, often in ways that are irreparable as the damage was done, ever so effectively. What felt like self-defense at the time often leads to self destruction.

Is there a better way?

Yes. Self preservation is important. It is likely that you are the only person who is going to truly protect you or seek to defend who you are or what you believe. When it comes down to it, you’re all you’ve got.

So for god’s sake don’t do more harm than good.

Wisdom based on history and viewed through the eyes of love would dictate that in most (if not all) cases war is not the best option. Seeking inoffensive ways to protect one’s self are far more prudent and effective over time.

It’s hard to find balance between revenge and tolerance when our feelings are hurt or our ego is running amok.

Nonetheless, it is in these moments that we must find ways to retreat, find a place of solace or sanctuary, allowing us the repose necessary to ask the questions, “Is this destruction necessary?” and “What are the far-reaching implications?”

From a peaceful perspective and/or contemplative state, you may be willing to consider other options as you ask, “Is this truly in my best interest?”

Will this action lead to regret or self-destruction, or am I achieving my highest and best?

Is this my highest and best?

This is the life-affirming bottom line. If you are on a path to achieve your highest and best, is the action you are about to take helping you to stay on the high road, or have you somehow become derailed and are headed down a path leading to self destruct?

If there is any way possible, take the time to pause, re-evaluate and get back on track before you say or do something that you can’t take back.

Betrayal Wounds and Scars

It is not uncommon for people to struggle with issues and the aftermath of betrayal. The emotional wounds from these breaches of trust can inflict sufferers in physiological ways. The emotional pain from betrayal can be as devastating as being stabbed in the back with a knife (thereby justifying the origin of the saying).

Have you been emotionally, “stabbed in the back,” by someone whom you have trusted?

Betrayers come in a wide variety of flavors. Some can be relatives and/or loved ones, sometimes the most intimate love-relationship that one can have with another human being. You may experience betrayal by a friend, co-worker or mentor.

Because we all have different life experiences and personalities, we all respond to betrayal in different ways. A specific betrayal may be of little effect to one person, while another may suffer exponentially; this suffering can be primarily internal, or may express itself externally, or physiologically.

When betrayal has been recognized, the emotional open wound is fresh and the pain may be great. After a while, the pain fades and the emotional scar tissue begins to form. One’s mind begins to filter all information as being potentially harmful, and you may begin to take on the attitude that, “I’m not putting myself out there again,” in a fearful effort to isolate yourself from the possibility of experiencing a similar type of pain in the future.

It is one’s natural fight-or-flight response to protect one’s self from pain and it makes perfect sense… but the cost can be enormous.

The worst thing that can happen to someone suffering from betrayal of trust, is to run the self-preservation-routine resulting in embitterment and over-protecting one’s self in an attempt to prevent anyone from being able to hurt you in such a way again.

The problem with this is; you know, in your heart, that you have so much to give. The sensitive people have special gifts and abilities that help to make the world a better place; they increase the quality of life for others (some who may be extremely less fortunate). Building protective walls around you will also result in cutting off exposure to others who need your light and influence.

The bitterness and fading pain of betrayal breeds a more cynical outlook on life and also comes at a physiological price that may lead to autoimmune deficiencies, illness and a laundry list of diseases.

If left unhealed, little by little, the light of those who illuminate our local community begins to fade and as it fades dramatically, so does the overall general outlook for us (or the world) as a whole.

Since there is no law against betraying another person (although some laws may be broken in the process of the betrayal), those who are emotionally less-equipped to care about the feelings of others run rampant throughout our society victimizing the empathetic shining stars with little regard to the negative impact their actions might have.

If you are suffering from betrayal, scheduling a one-on-one session with a counselor or coach can have an immediate calming effect on your peace of mind and quality of life.

You do not have to be a victim. Instead, you can learn from this event and turn it around. In fact, you may find that this event can hurl you into an empowered and optimistic future that can change the future of others and the planet in such a way to bring clarity and focus to your life.

Utilizing specialized skills, a good coach or counselor can work with you hand-in-hand to put you back in control of your emotional wellbeing. You might be surprised to discover that this episode has prepared you as a mentor to help others struggling with similar circumstances.

You can do this; without giving up on being a blessing to others, and continue to achieve your highest and best.

You can find more ways to deal with betrayal in my book: Trust Betrayal.

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