Loss Bereavement and Your Broken Heart

Every now and then, Wham! Life hits you right between the eyes with something so unexpected and shocking… it’s so hard to comprehend how something so horrific could happen to you. It’s not like you’re a bad person, you’ve done nothing to serve this, you’re a good person, and it’s not like it’s the first time. But, now? Really?

You’re first thought is that this will be impossible to survive, and you’re in so much pain, it’s as though your heart is bleeding, and you wouldn’t be surprised if it just stopped beating altogether. And if it did, at least this pain will have ended.

It could be that someone you love has passed on, you could be suffering from a heart broken by someone you loved dearly, or you may have suffered falling victim to some other unforeseen incident. Nonetheless, here you are in possibly one of your deepest, darkest moments, and you’re feeling bad, lost, isolated, and alone.

What are you going to do about it?

You basically only have two choices, to allow this life event to overtake you, to sink into depression’s bottomless pit, or to let this thing flow over you, get back behind the wheel and continue to live your life, taking back your control, expanding your mastery.

Grieve? Absolutely, let it out. Give yourself time to honor this event emotionally, then pull yourself together, and get back to the business of life.

You never know what life is going to throw at you, when, where, or to what extent. I mean, I’ve been fortunate to be living a long, eventful life, while I had to lay to rest a 20-year-old son. I’ve loved and lost, have known all kinds of betrayal, and for some reason, my life keeps going on. I’m not saying my life is better in any way than anyone else’s. In some ways, it doesn’t make any sense to me at all; why God would take Aaron and not me. But I owe it to Him, to keep on keeping on, honoring each precious moment that He gives me. So, I pick myself up, dust off the ashes, and keep moving.

When you’ve been hit by the loss of a loved one, you are going to experience the pain of loss, and this pain can be overwhelming. There is no doubt, your grieving will take time, and there is no limit on the time that will be necessary for you to grieve, only that you must, and only you will know how long it will take; most likely, not at the outset, but closer to the time when you begin to see the light at the end of grief’s tunnel.

Be aware that your emotions will run the gamut; everything from the initial state of shock, an isolated numbness and a foreboding fear, to anxiety, anger, and broken heartedness, just to name a few. All these feelings are part of the grieving process and are the gateway to the other side of grief. It is how we honor those who are lost, their impact on our life, while we heal the best we can, and find a way to go on. If you are fortunate enough to have someone who has offered their shoulder to lean on, please do. Sometimes people are brought to us, to be there for us in our hour of need. These are the unsung angels, respect them and lean into them, when you need to or when you can.

Another curve ball of life could find you face to face with a life-threatening disease for you or someone whom you may love dearly. This, too, can be a tragic, traumatic life event, that can send you reeling in fear and helplessness as your life spins out of control, and even denying any truth of the matter, until getting a grasp on the painful reality of it all. Denial can take many forms, and in fact, I have known people who have refused to accept any such diagnosis, and in this respect, the denial of the existence of the fatal illness actually led them to full recovery. It’s somewhat of a tightrope to walk, one the one side, you need to accept the severity of the situation you are facing, on the other, you need to take dominion of what ails you if you hope to conquer it. Either way, you will need to search deep within yourself as well as reach out to your network, your support system which has been attracted to you just for this challenging time.

And if you’re facing the tragic end of a romantic relationship, especially if you’ve been together for many years and may have children involved, it can definitely throw you for a loop. Even if you’ve only been together for a short while and there are no kids involved, you can still find yourself suffering traumatic challenges in finding ways to cope with the loss. Just like any other kind of challenge, you find yourself facing fear. Fear of what is happening, fear of wondering how this ending is going to play out, and fear about how this will affect your future. You’re likely to find yourself struggling with feelings of betrayal and abandonment issues. All this is not restricted only to romantic relationships, but could extend into other relationships as well, including family, friends, and co-workers.

Again, you have three things necessary to deal with these – or any kind of – unexpected crisis or life event.

1: Time. Time to work it out in your head and your heart.

2: You. All the tools and equipment that you need have been placed safely inside you, safely stored away, waiting for you to access them in your time of need.

3: Others. You will notice others who have been attracted to you in your life to be there at the right time and place. Please do not fail to keep an eye open for the unsung angels who have been brought into your life for just this moment in time. Reach out to them.

And have faith that all things come together for good, for you, in the end; if only you can make it to the other side. From this new vantage point, you will be able to see the blessing that was hidden from your view, while you were struggling with your challenge.

How to Heal a Broken Heart

Heartbreak can be one of the darkest and most painful of emotional states. One who suffers from a broken heart can experience sever physiological pain, such as being punched in the gut and may lead to a sinking sense of helplessness and/or clinical depression. If you’ve ever suffered from a tragic loss, you already know why it’s important to understand how to heal a broken heart.

When undertaking the healing of a broken heart, there is no quick fix. Especially if you’re suffering deeply seated trauma with gut wrenching pain, healing your broken heart will take some time for the process to lead to a healthy recovery, but there are steps you can take to relieve the pain and stress of your loss.

As a natural process of healing from a broken heart, like any Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), time heals all wounds. So be patient and consider the following tips to help overcome both the psychological and physiological pain and discomfort from your broken heart.

1. Cry

You are going to feel like crap for the first few weeks. Depending how emotional of a person you are, you may feel like crying for days. Go ahead.

A significant change has occurred in your life; a painful change. There is no way to expect that you will feel a little sadness and be able to shut it off with a switch. It’s just not that simple.

Allow yourself to grieve for your loss. But not too long! Staying in the past for too long can only hurt you. See tip number 5.

2. Love Balloon Therapy

The Love Balloon Method is an effective method to mitigate the emotional pain associated with your broken heart.

This process only takes a few minutes and can supply you with the pain relief and wherewithal to give you the cognition to move toward healthy healing, while retaining the learning associated with the relationship and/or events which led to your broken heart.

3. Talk to Someone Close

Use the shoulder of someone who cares about you to get out your feelings. This is a way to purify your soul by letting someone in to share your pain. Let them listen, comfort you, and offer advice. You don’t necessarily have to take that advice, but sharing this comfort can make you feel better.

Make sure you only allow yourself to grieve and lean on someone for a time because you need to move forward.

4. Distract Yourself

Bring friends you care about back into your life. Maybe having the relationship was keeping you from spending time with your parents, or siblings. Maybe you hadn’t talked to your best friend in weeks. Surround yourself with this support network.

Getting things that need to be done around the house done is a great way to get lost in a project. Go to the gym. Organize your closet. Get out and take a walk.

Distracting yourself is a great stepping stone to moving on with your life. This brings us to tip number 5.

5. Look toward the Future; Forget the Past

Once you have allowed yourself the indulgence of grieving for a part of your life that is now past, look forward!

You need to be able to live a better life – your best life – and make the world a better place.

Now that you are past the sadness and anger, it is time for hope and renewal that will help you to move on.

Take time out for yourself; get to know yourself as a single individual instead of as part of a couple.

Replenish your soul by becoming you again.

Following these sometimes difficult, but necessary steps, you can begin to heal the broken pieces of your heart. You can not only become whole again, you can become whatever you wish to become. This is a chance to start fresh, and once the pain starts to ease, you will see it as such an opportunity.

Relationship Truth and the Soulmate List

Okay, you asked for it, so here it is: The truth about romantic relationships is that most of them (the successful ones) take work. Sure you have to have all the components…

Broken heart

First you have to start without a broken heart. If you’re looking for mister or miss right, you have to be ready to have a relationship. That means, if you’ve been in one prior, you’d best get a handle on recovery from your previous romantic episode before you go running headlong into the next one, otherwise, you’re just not ready. That’s the truth.

Lonely

“But I’m lonely and don’t want to be alone.”

Okay, I get that. But how long do you expect someone to stick around if they are unable to stand the whirlwind you bring to the table. If he/she reminds you of your ex- either you’re still hung up on your ex- (and not ready to be seeing anyone. See Broken Heart, above) or you’re attracting the same type of person (and how did that work the last time?).

Get Busy

Get busy doing the things that make you feel good, the things that you love. If you’re feeling good all the time, you don’t have the time (or energy) to feel depressed or lonely. I try to stay busy, focused on my clients and spending quality time with my friends (who, unfortunately all are paired up, but fun nonetheless). I can always relax and take time off for her, after I’ve found her.

Awakenings

When you start to realize these things, you can either forge forward with little regard to them or start to wake up to the music. The title of the song you want to hear from within is, “Do Something Different,” or learn to find happiness in the same old types of relationships that you’ve had in the past.

soul mate relationship truth soulmate broken heart lonely awakenings the truth

I have this formula that I use; maybe you will find it helpful for you (maybe not). I call it my

Soulmate List

I have a list of fifty-or-so attributes that I am looking for. In an extra-large font, it takes up three pages.

I came up with the idea, while working with a coach and mentor in Florida, who had used some of these techniques to find her life-long soulmate (that’s what I’m looking for, too) and I’ve added my own tweaks to form a new system. Briefly, it goes, like this:

1a. To first make a list of all the things that you didn’t like in the men in your past relationship.

1b. Then go over the list and translate those into a list of positive attributes (the opposites) that you would look for in Mr. Right. (Ditch the negative list.)

2. Next, make a list of all the things that you liked (or thought you liked) in the men in your previous relationships.

3. Combine the two lists of positive attributes, and you’re almost there…

4. Then, being as specific as you can, think of all the attributes that you would like that aren’t already on the list. (The Floridian coach cautioned me not to leave anything off, because she had neglected to put down, “Physically healthy,” on her list, and wished she had, later.)

Then she says read the list every day, out-loud, once in the morning and once in the evening, and you will get what you confess.

I told the story to my grief counselor, he thinks it’s a great idea and is going to start using that model in his practice.

If you decide to give-it-a-go, I’d like to see your list. (It’s also a great way to turn around some of the pain of past relationships and turn them into positive attributes. It keeps you from focusing on the garbage, leading to real healing.)

The Real Truth

Finally, the real truth is this: My intention was to write and create a book based on this system called, “The Soul Mate List,” with the intention of telling my world’s greatest love story of all time and describe how I found the love of my life quickly and easily using my system.

I find that this system has been highly effective in preventing me from being sidetracked by potential romances that were not my highest and best (nor I theirs). = WIN

On the other hand, seven years… No soul mate… LOL

Broken Heart

What can you do when someone breaks your heart?

broken heart when someone breaks your heart

When it comes down to it, you only have two choices: to try to salvage the relationship (or what’s left of it) or to walk away from it altogether.

The fact of the matter is that people in relationships do not always have the best integrity. They keep secrets, fail to disclose specific details about things – including their true feelings – and misrepresent their level of commitment and a host of other lies and deceit.

Two people, like that, are a perfect match for each other. The problems arise when you have one integrous person, and one who is not, in the same relationship. At some point the relationship will experience a great deal of conflict and some of the incongruency will be revealed, leaving the other feeling betrayed and suffering from a broken heart.

When it becomes apparent that you appear to be the victim of unrequited love, you find yourself looking at all the clues that you overlooked over the term of the relationship. Those little inconsistencies bear more and more weight in retrospect, and it’s easy to blame yourself, like, “Why didn’t I pay more attention to that when it happened?”

The reason is because you wanted to believe the love that you had for the other person was being returned in kind. You projected your love on the other person, when in reality he or she was unable to do so.

Why? Because of all the benefits that come from loving and being loved. We project our lovingness onto them because receiving (or believing that we are receiving) the love we are giving gives us the benefits of a feeling of belonging and being treasured which actually makes us healthier and happier enabling us to live longer, with higher quality of life.

Truth be told, most (if not all) participants in a romantic relationship (even the most integrous and loving ones) maintain some level of deceit. It’s as though there is a righteous kind of deceit that has no intended malice, but is an effort to honor the feelings of the other person. In fact, most successful relationships are comprised of a complicated blend of honor and well-intended deception.

In this respect, it’s easy to say, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

Because even though you may have loved the other person with all your heart, chances are you, too, have not been completely honest and open. If you have… it is somewhat more tragic, nonetheless, you’re still at the same juncture.

If the other person has left, there is little you can do but to let them go.

There is a delicate thread that separates seeking reconciliation and obsessive stalking (which there are laws against that could carry legal ramifications including jail time).

If you are left alone, be mindful that true love is still seeking you (though you may not feel like it at the moment) and you will be rewarded for your diligence, if you become the love that you seek.

In the event the former lover returns in an attempt to re-establish their romantic relationship with you, proceed with caution.

Is it possible to establish trust again with someone who has betrayed you?

See: Second Chances