Disrespect and Hurt Feelings in Relationships

Have you ever found yourself laboring to explain to your special someone how they hurt your feelings or disrespected you?

As two people come together and get to know each other, it is reasonable to expect things will come up as an indication that the two of you don’t see eye to eye on a particular subject. In some cases, you may feel bad, disrespected, disregarded or betrayed, and depending on how a sensitive a person you are, you could be hurt badly.

But you’re getting to know this person, are developing feelings of attachment, and/or falling in love with this person. You fancy the idea of having him or her in your life enough to reach out to them in an effort to help them understand how you feel, which is a normal course of action in any relationship.

On your first attempt to explain yourself to someone, you expect to be heard and felt. Everyone is entitled to make mistakes, as you know you, too, probably have disrespected some one else, not on purpose but in a moment when you were busy, focused, distracted, or had lost track of time, etc… and hurt someone’s feelings unintentionally.

Or maybe we’re talking about crossing boundaries. When you’re in a relationship, you can expect to cover all the rules and boundaries that exist in your head and your heart in the beginning, and you just sort of assume that you’re both completely compatible based on how you feel about this person.

If you and your partner have healthy boundaries, of course, the best way to communicate your boundaries is to merely talk about them and establish a mutual respect about each other’s boundaries. The next best way to bring up your boundaries is when either one of you find yourself crossing the other’s boundaries.
This is a good time to communicate, establish and negotiate the honoring of the boundary in your relationship or to make amendments or accommodations for the boundary in question. Some boundaries protect us from physical or emotional pain, but may change over time, the less we need them and as we continue to grow emotionally, while some may remain non-negotiable.

Okay, so someone’s crossed the line, and your feelings were hurt. You were considerate enough to explain the situation to your partner, and he or she herd you, respected you, apologized and agreed to take your feeling into consideration, should the same set of circumstances appear once again. And in a perfect world, in an adult relationship between to people who care about each other this is the highest and best approach and outcome.

But what if it happens again?

Even though you felt like the two of you were perfectly clear and in agreement, now, you’re second-guessing, wondering if your initial expression was misunderstood, maybe you didn’t make yourself clear enough and it may be reasonable to talk about this particular situation again.

So, this time, you’re explaining to your partner in greater detail, including much more stories, demonstrations, possibly including audio/visual tools, drawing charts, graphs, maps and using bullet lists (yes, this can go into outrageous extremes, depending on the one doing the communicating) to make sure there is no misunderstanding in the future.

If you feel like you’ve been heard and your partner has endured your presentation, thanked you for clearly expressing yourself, understanding the two of you are basically using a common language and level of understanding in respect and honor of your clearly expressed ideals, and he or she agrees to honor your perspective if face with similar circumstances in the future.
Well done.

That should do it.

If it doesn’t, and the same grievance comes up again, you can be relatively certain that something else is going on, here. You know you’re being heard. You’ve made every effort to establish rapport and understanding, yet here you are again.
This could feel like abuse, and anyone who knows you intimately, like your friends and family, might jump to that conclusion immediately, especially if you (or they) have had experience with a similar situation which did not fare well in the past.

The truth is, by this point, you can ascertain that this person is not going to change his or her thought or actions on this deal to accommodate you. You have to realize that this person is hard-wired this way and is never going to change for you.

Going back to the drawing board once again to try to explain yourself is fruitless. Nothing good could come from it, and your partner will only be going through the motions, agree to do or say anything you want to hear, but not really. They just want your grueling expression to stop, so they can get back to living their life.

Plus, you might be imposing abuse on your partner by badgering him or her endlessly about this particular subject. Just stop it. This could go on forever, and nothing good could come from that.

It’s not on you to expect to change your partner, just as you would not expect your partner to want you to change for him or her, although, some compromise along the way is reasonable, as long as it’s not too extreme.

Oh, you might think that if you love him or her enough, that they will realize one day that you were right all along, he or she instantly changes, as if being touched the a magic fairy’s wand, and the two of you will walk off into the sunset hand in hand in perfect harmony, with sparkles and butterflies all around.

The chances of that are pretty slim. So, at this point you have to ask yourself, “Can I live with this?” It’s on you at this point, not the other person. Some day this person might change due to their own personal growth and evolvement, but you have to know, this is the way it’s going to be, probably forever. Can you live with that?
If loosening up on a boundary here and there is acceptable to you, then think about changing the way you think about this particular situation, consider making a compromise. Keep in mind if you are making the majority of the compromises, this will likely not be in your best interest in the long run, and you’re likely going to resent or regret this later.

On the other hand, in the rarest of circumstances, both parties begin to grow and change in synergistic harmony, evolving together in a symphony of continued awareness and enlightenment. If each of their individual paths is harmonious with the other’s, this can be the bliss which we all seek in a long-term relationship.

Hit the Wall for a Change

Invariably when you’re in the process of growing and expanding into the higher version of yourself, your evolutionary process of you, and, “Wham!” You hit the wall.

Just when you least expected, here you are facing someone, something, some situation, circumstance, or even yourself in the mirror, and you ask, “How the hell did I get here?” (of all places).

Get ready for a rude awakening: This is for your highest and best, and this process will lead you to change. Yes you. Even if it looks like it has nothing to do with you, moving past this obstacle will take a change, maybe outside yourself, but you will have to change first before you can change anything outside of you.

If you can wrap your head around that whenever you find yourself up against any obstacle, seek what you can change inside first, then seek to deal with the whatever it is head on, you are so far ahead of the game.

Obstacles which interrupt our flow are indicators that we have something within that needs tending to, even if it’s not specifically associated with this obstacle. It may be to equip you with a skill to prepare you for something else further down the road.

What? Me change?

Your belief system might be resistant to change. Say the words out loud, “It’s okay for me to change.” Check in with your feelings. How does it make you feel about the idea of embracing change?

It’s really no surprise really, it’s a part of your genetic, cellular memory that was firmly set in place generations ago, when change was dangerous. Survival was based on a strong sense of maintaining a small community, with staying in the same location, supported by the same people, doing, thinking and being pretty much the same. Straying and exerting individuality could lead to loss of health and/or one’s life.

Things have changed and your changing leads to your expansion and evolution into the highest and best version of yourself.

Try being open to the idea of change, even embracing it. All it takes is a little allowing. Change doesn’t have to be forcible. I mean, if you aren’t open to change, you will still be susceptible to it, when it is forced upon you. If you think about it, you know it’s true.

Grounding yourself in a solid place where you are open, allowing change, receiving all the good things, including lessons waiting to be revealed to you, is so much better than fighting for your right to resist.

Think about what allowing change might look like. It can look like allowing people or things to leave your life, including ideals, thoughts and feelings about the past and the things associated with them. You can also allow new things to be revealed and come into your life.

You can allow yourself to want things you may have never wanted before. You can allow yourself to try something new, create something, or think differently. Allow the letting go or ideas or things you held onto tightly in the past and allow new thoughts and things pour over you, like a gentle rain.

You’re open to new possibilities, even if superficial, such as a change of shampoo, hair color, career, even relocation.

A deeper sense of change is initiated by the heart. Heart-felt change is powered by love. This is the most meaningful moment of change, a paradigm shift.

So, think about it…

What change is on the horizon for you?

It very likely holds the keys to unlock many doors.

You ready?

Live a Better Life? Why?

Okay, people are getting to know me as the, “Live a better life” guy, and periodically I get the occasional wise guy or gal who comes up to me and says something, like, “What? Why would I want a better life?”

It stands to reason, that the idea of living a better life does not apply to everyone. As a matter of fact, it only appeals to a very small percentage of people. So, if the ideas that I and others are suggesting sound unreasonable to you, guess what? It’s not intended for you. Although, just because the idea doesn’t sound good to you today, doesn’t mean it won’t be more appealing at some other time, because we know that people change. Not all of them, and not necessarily en masse, but there’s a tendency for people to change and/or evolve.

And for the changers and evolvers, these changes and evolution is very appealing. Those of us who realize it and are welcoming change and evolution are quite a bit ahead of the curve, but as each one of us awakens, a spark is ignited in someone else and they start to seek a better life. And sometime soon, the whole planet will be ablaze with evolutionary change.

Of course, there are those who would like to keep things from changing. Many people like things just the way they are; so much, in fact that they might be willing (and able) to do anything in their power to prevent the idea of an evolutionary change from taking place. These people see no benefit of an evolutionary change, because they see their station in life as being very good, maybe even perfect for them. But if other people did change and/or evolve, it would affect their lives in a negative way. This could be for a wide variety of reasons, which I will not offer speculation on at this time. You might ask yourself why someone might not want the world to change… and see what you come up with.

Keep in mind, while I am encouraging people to live a better life, I am not telling them how to do it. I think that if someone is leading a specific method of change, it might be more cult than evolution. For a real evolution to take place each person who evolves must allow, negotiate and manage his or her own evolution. The evolving person no longer desires to be herded, like human cattle. This is the emergence of a higher version of individuality.

As we are a part of this evolution, we are open to ideas and stories that challenge our (many) years of programming that has effectively prevented our inclination or ability to desire anything more than what we believed to be within our reach. But we are survivors; not unlike pests who can be controlled by dangerous toxins. After a while, the pest evolves and develops immunity to the toxin that once might have had deadly consequences.

Our evolution is rendering toxic ideals useless as we (some of us, and more of us, every day) are developing an immunity to the systems that prevented us from wanting a better life for ourselves, others, and future generations.

So, why might you be considering the idea of living a better life?

Joy

You may have had the occasional joyous experience, though it has often been just a fleeting moment. You start to wonder, could it be possible to maintain a state of joy for a longer period of time? (You may have even tried to create states of joy for you that might have thought were sustainable, only to find that no matter how you tried, they left you unfulfilled.)

People who are on the evolutionary journey are experiencing greater states of joy and happiness that are sustainable for long periods of time and are not dependent on outside circumstances, situations, or material things.

For the people who are living a better life, they are finding joy in the most amazing places, their work, their activities, even their innermost thoughts. They are living a better life and are enjoying all this life has to offer.

Feel Good

These evolutionary folks are in the habit of finding ways to feel good, also without dependence on what the world might like to impose upon us. They are finding the love within themselves, for themselves, others and the world. They are more likely to be positive and see the good in all things. Even though they are increasingly more independent, they are also developing a sense of the idea that we, the human race, all of us, are not only in this together, but are one, as a whole. And while they are celebrating their individuality, they do not compare themselves to others, or expect conformity, celebrating everyone’s right to find their own self, and respect their right to celebrate it.

Deeper Connection

The people who desire a better life seek a deeper connection, to themselves and others, as well as inviting a deeper connection to their higher source (referred to by many labels and names). These people are less likely to be attracted to surface conversation, or what’s in the news. They are more likely attracted to connecting with people who are in tune with who they are, how they think and how they feel, in search of deeper meaning in life.

Tolerance

If you are in the process of evolving to live a better life, you are more tolerant, loving and respecting of yourself and others. You don’t hold yourself to impossible standards. Neither do you expect compliance from anyone else. You are less likely to judge yourself harshly, and increasingly finding yourself less likely to judge others. You realize that we are all only doing the best with what we have.

Value

As you expand and evolve, the things you value begin to change. You start seeing the important and meaningful things in life have greater value to you than the things that you might have once coveted, if you were previously a victim of vain commercialism. While you might still find joy in the finer things in life, the true value of the people with whom you share a deep connection, love and care about take precedence over the value of material things. Real relationships take on a new sheen as the people in your life, your family, partners, and friends become your life’s priceless treasures (not as belongings or possessions, but they are the reason you love to love and value them so highly).

I don’t know about you, but these things are very appealing to me and I am allowing this evolution to take place in me.

Part of You is Dying

You’re growing, changing, taking responsibility and charge of your life. You’re embracing love, couldn’t feel more powerful, confident, open, honest and vulnerable… then all of a sudden, you feel overcome with an overwhelming feeling of emptiness, sadness, depression or unexpected fatigue.

As you search and review the areas of your life, you can’t seem to identify anything going on to make you feel this way, and you can’t understand why you feel this way.

Don’t worry, this is completely normal as you are expanding and evolving onto a better version of yourself. These unexpected challenges in your personal growth are normal as you are experiencing a vibrational detoxification.

You (your being, the person you are, all the parts of you en masse) are the result of a lifetime of programming which includes toxic thoughts, beliefs, feelings and experiences which have survived and thrived, hidden (sometimes, not so hidden) deep inside you.

As you are actively growing and expanding these deep rooted toxins are struggling for survival. They have so integrated themselves into your life and attached themselves to certain parts of your brain or body, where they have been safely stored for years. Now, they are no longer congruent as you are expanding and evolving and they are not being fed by your energetic attentions. They are shrinking and dying of starvation.

In the toxin’s struggle for survival, they will initiate thoughts and trigger the release of hormones which affect your sense of wellbeing and initiate sensations of negative emotions such as fear, paranoia, depression, or may even cause physical signs of sickness as they are dying off, in a last ditch struggle for survival.

You may find yourself suffering from headaches, even migraines, back pain or other body aches and pain and/or flu-like symptoms as manifestations of the toxin’s effort to distract and crush your hope for continued expansion.

This is a normal part of your evolutionary process, which also indicates a pending successive personal plateau in your expansive process is not far off.

It is always darkest before the dawn, and a new dawn is about to crest your horizon as the new you emerges.

When your negative emotions are running high for no apparent reason, and your’re finding it hard to stay on course, following the path to your new life, you feel as though all your energy reserves have been drained and you are finding it hard to believe you could keep going on,

Persevere

Even if you’re feeling like your decision to take this journey is for not, and you’re experiencing nagging second-thoughts about the person you’re becoming, second-guessing whether the changes you’re making are real or just fanciful imaginative exercises. This is the time to keep going, in the absence of the feelings, of feeling as though you were doing the right thing, to stay on the path of your personal evolution, in stark contrast to the person you were before. That person is dying, and you are shedding the old you, not unlike a snake sheds its skin… Only your old skin doesn’t want to go.

A part of you has become so attached to your previous version of self, casting it aside seems like a painful separation, casting off, expulsion, a death of sorts, as you are dying to self. This is the time to keep going, even if you feel like you just can’t go on, stay the course.

But how can I, when I’m just not feeling it?

Keep going anyway. If you keep doing good things, only exposing yourself to positive information, media and influences, finding ways to think food thoughts, even if you’re not feeling it; stay on track, and that part of you that is protesting and struggling for survival will die off in the battle of old you vs. new you.

After the new you has survived this victorious process of growth and change, get ready. Something so powerfully new and amazing is waiting to take its place as the newer version of you expands and grows even more.