What if your spouse or partner is sneaking around behind your back and not being forthcoming with details? Is your partner being unfaithful? Does it mean he or she is having an affair?
When you notice that your beloved’s behavior does not seem to be congruent with the intensity of the relationship that you think the two of you share, definitely something is going on. Is your partner cheating on you?
It’s not a good idea to jump to conclusions at the first sight of inconsistencies in your relationship. But when you notice things are not as they appear, or you’re feeling like something’s wrong, it is time to start paying more attention to what is going on.
And keep in mind that all affairs are not equal. Keep in mind that infidelity is not just sexual, as there are many types of infidelity, and your partner may be having an emotional affair, not necessarily a sexual affair.
So, what are some of the signs that might cause blips on your radar of suspicion?
Anything that looks or feels like secrecy, specifically things that go on in your partner’s life that you are intentionally made unaware of. What is he or she hiding? And why?
It makes any normal person wonder, what’s up?
Does there seem to be some secrecy surrounding the phone? Is there a regular practice of deleting texts, caller ID numbers, or emails?
Is there regular and lengthy telephonic, electronic, or face-to-face communication with “a friend” taking place in your absence?
This is almost always an indication that something’s going on behind the scenes, especially when you feel like this activity is going on behind your back. At the very least, this is indicative of an emotional affair.
At the very least, you can be certain that trust is eroding rapidly, or may no longer exist.
If your partner is reluctant to put a stop to the extracurricular conversation and relationship, this is a good indicator that your relationship is in trouble. You already know that if he or she seems to accommodate your wishes to no longer contact but then takes it to another deeper level of secrecy, you’re in real trouble.
If your partner refuses to cutoff an outside relationship that may be causing conflict in your relationship, you know that this person has more value to your partner than you do.
Do Not Accuse
Your first response to becoming suspicious or aware of inconsistencies in your relationship is not to accuse or respond negatively to your partner. Don’t start stalking or going through their personal belongings looking for clues of an affair. Just don’t do it. If you get caught trying to catch your mate sneaking around – and nothing’s going on – and you get caught doing so, it will not reflect well on you. Nothing good could come from that.
Your relationship is about sharing your lives one with the other, it is totally appropriate to share your feelings, being certain to begin your statements, not with, “You,” but rather with, “I feel…”
Admit that your feelings are causing you to draw conclusions which may be wrong, and invite him or her to explain.
You are allowed to have feelings. Also be aware that your feelings may mislead you or cause you to come to conclusions that are less than rational. This usually heavily influenced by your past and may have little or nothing to do with this relationship. Nonetheless, you are still entitled to have feelings.
If you are accusatory and your accusations are unfound, then you can do some inner work to see what is there under your skin that might be making you feel suspicious about your partner.
Note your partner’s response. If he or she responds in a respectful, caring and concerned response, there is hope and your fears may have been unfounded. On the other hand, if your partner laughs at you, makes fun about how ridiculous your feelings are, and especially, if your partner counters with accusing you of having an affair (which means he or she probably is)… There is not much for you to work with. You could do far better, regardless if there’s an affair going on or not.
If your partner admits that he or she was pursuing someone else’s attention, this kind of open transparency, honesty, is the best possible outcome, and can open the relationship to another level of intimacy.