cheaters | David M Masters

Infidelity Why is My Partner Cheating?

As a love and relationship counselor or coach, undoubtedly you will be having clients facing challenges with infidelity. If you’ve done this kind of work for long, you realize that people stray for any number of reasons, and if you can remain supportive and non-reactive or judgmental, you may be the pivotal player in this relationship as someone who can assist in the relationship’s recovery, or at least, help the relationship end in the most amicable fashion.

Infidelity is a good indicator signaling that something is wrong in the relationship. It’s up to your clients to see if they can unravel the root cause if they intend to try to rebuild the relationship. It will take full commitment to the process from both parties if the relationship is to move forward, not so much if there is no hope and one or more or your clients is determined to call it quits.

Even if a couple starts off as the perfect match in the beginning, there is the tendency for people to grow and change or deteriorate and change over the course of time. There can be many reasons why things might change that may make the once compatible couple incompatible, resulting in irreconcilable differences, for which there is presumably no remedy. Though this is not always the case, as any impasse today could be a challenge to face and deal with another day.

Researchers who study cheaters only have access to cheaters who have either been caught cheating or have volunteered the information about their infidelity. The clergy will have access to greater and more detailed information, but this information is protected by clergy-penitent privilege. Anthropologists, on the other hand, are able to study animals for clues about our sexuality and how common infidelity is among members of the animal kingdom that share our DNA, like primates and mice. Then, there are others who are unfaithful who have gotten away with it and will take this secret with them to the grave. None of us will have access to that data.

Neurotypical Infidelity

The most common form of infidelity is neurotypical infidelity. This is to say that perfectly normal and average people will have a tendency to stray from an otherwise typical monogamous relationship. Anthropologists insist that the tendency to seek sexual gratification or variety outside of a monogamous relationship is hardcoded in our DNA inherited by our ancestors.

People cheat out of anger or revenge, because they have fallen out of love, or “accidentally.” By accidentally, I mean, they were unfaithful for the same reason that a non-criminal might commit a crime, they were in a weakened state and found themselves in a situation where they were presented with the means, motive, and opportunity to engage in a crime or sexual tryst.

Other reasons include the inability to commit or limited emotional bandwidth for a long-term commitment, feeling as though they are not being attended to appropriately, mismatched sex drives, and/or a hyperactive sex drive which may include a strong desire to have sex with other people.

Emotional issues, such as low self-esteem, insecurity, unworthiness, or unresolved trauma from the past may also be contributors to being unfaithful, as seeking a sexual relationship (even if sex is not consummated) outside the couple may boost their confidence, helping them to cope with their other unresolved emotional issues.

Addictive Infidelity

Addiction is one of those tricky areas where there is hope for recovery because we have so much evidence of success stories that it is reasonable to believe that one who suffers from any addiction can overcome it. Addictions may be contributors to infidelity and come in many forms such as alcoholism, addictions to drugs (pharmaceutical or prescription), compulsive gamblers, eaters, spenders, sex addicts, etcetera.

Addictions come in varying intensities. For those whose addictive tendencies are mild, the hope for recovery can be high, though even so, one must realize that relapses are quite common. Severe cases may require supernatural intervention, like (insert addiction) Anonymous. I have often found God to be a powerful ally in battling addiction for my clients.

Considering the nature of sex addiction, certainly one would expect to see infidelity rear its ugly head in any relationship, though few may struggle with the addiction but refrain from acting out completely. This still puts a tremendous strain on the relationship.

These addictions that may include different forms of infidelity are uncontrollable urges that cause the victim to act out unfaithfully. They do so, not to offend the faithful partner, but often participate in such activity in an effort to self-medicate serious underlying issues such as being haunted by an unresolved traumatic past, anxiety, depression, unworthiness, guilt, shame, or when feeling overwhelmed by other psychological issues.

Sexual Orientation Infidelity

No longer in the dark ages, people in the modern world are empowered to express themselves sexually in authentic ways that may have been prohibitive in the past. There is a trend in the laws of the land to support all types of sexual orientation. One of the participants in a presenting relationship may experience a change in sexual orientation. Though one does not normally change their sexual orientation, just simply come to realize that their previous commitment to a particular sexual preference was a lie.

This is a change for the other partner who did not see this coming, though there’s a good chance that the partner who is awakening to his or her true sexual orientation may be just as surprised when this reality comes to light. You are born with your unique sexual orientation but often develop a socially acceptable sexual persona to in effect find an easier way to make your way through life.

In some cases, an individual will look as though he or she is a sexual chameleon, changing his or her sexual preference from one to another over time. This is common enough, especially if their previous programming to adopt a false-facing-front sexual orientation has been prolonged. It may take experimentation over time to finally discover one’s true sexual nature.

If you are in a relationship with someone who is on this sort of path of exploration and personal growth, this can put a great deal of stress on a relationship and may very well lead to the end of the relationship, especially if the explorer is intent on eventually finding a more suitable partner, or maybe his or her path will lead to having no steady partner at all.

Malicious Infidelity

In the rare circumstance of finding yourself paired with a malicious predator who may be a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath, someone on the Anti-social Personality Disorder spectrum, you may suffer from infidelity because your partner gets a thrill from controlling, abusing, and torturing you in a variety of ways and you may never have any method of proving infidelity (or any other secrets he/she may be keeping from you) concretely. If he or she gets the slightest idea that you might be questioning his or her fidelity, you will be verbally and psychologically assaulted (gaslighting), discredited, disrespected, and made to feel like a fool.

If you are in a relationship with a predator, it may be difficult to find adequate help, as these individuals, if they are highly skilled, have the ability to be very persuasive with an incredible ability to con people (he or she conned you, right?) and may be able to manipulate any counselor you might like to see.

If you see this happening, just play along and look for another counselor who has experience with victims of narcissists, sociopaths, or psychopaths who can help you to protect yourself and deal with your situation without having to endure more pain or loss.

Monogamous Decline

With the expansion of sexual orientation, relationships are changing and evolving and the idea of monogamy is becoming less popular, as it is being seen as an unnatural archaic method of approaching romantic relationships. Instead, the current trend is toward supporting a more advanced tolerant relationship between a main pair of individuals, allowing for straying partners. This is referred to as ethical non-monogamy (ENM) or consensual non-monogamy (CNM). Observed as being ethical because there is full disclosure, thereby eliminating the “cheating” label, and consensual due to both parties agreeing on certain parameters.

What are your thoughts?

7 Steps to Recovery from the Affair Infidelity

It happened. You found out, by whatever means that your partner was unfaithful. Here are 7 steps to recovery from the affair. Infidelity has broken your trust and the relationship, but there might still be a chance you can recover from the affair and resume life with the cheater, if you can include these 7 steps in your process of healing and growth together.

Upon discovery, how the couple moves from this point forward will give you a good idea about how you might be able to predict if there is hope for your relationship after infidelity.

People make mistakes, and none of us is flawless. We all experience moments or weakness or indiscretion, but this need not be the death blow to your relationship, though it may feel like that when you first become aware that your partner has cheated on you.

7 Steps to Recovery from the Affair Infidelity

There is a successful formula that can be followed to achieve the best results possible when discovering an affair, dealing with the cheater and the betrayal, and reconciling. Note that even in the best of circumstances, only one of four sincere attempts as at recovery achieve a satisfactory degree of success.

If your attempt to reconcile includes the following 7 ingredients, these elements greatly enhance your chances of success.

1. Initial Separation

When one first hears about or otherwise discovers that there has been a betrayal of trust in the relationship, the initial emotional reactions of either or both parties may be counterproductive to recovering from the affair. It is suggested that a period of separation be imposed by the betrayed to establish a period of time (a minimum of 72 hours or more as designated by the victim) for the victim to have time to process the information and achieve grounding before digging into the details of the tryst. It also gives the unfaithful partner time to consider the gravity of his or her actions. If, during the separation, he or she who conducted the affair contacts the extra-relational partner (especially if sexual conduct is involved) or acts as if he or she is “single,” this will indicate the relationship is unsalvageable, even if the betrayed partner has no awareness of it.

2. Full Disclosure

When the betrayer is forthcoming in disclosing the details openly and honesty, there is a great deal of hope for recovering from the infidelity. The unfaithful partner must be remorseful, and humble. This can be extremely difficult for both parties. The victim of the affair must take caution in asking about details of the affair and have the strength to deal with the answers received in the best way possible. This is very sensitive territory and it will be hard for the partner who had the affair to be forthcoming because he or she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. That’s why they would rather lie about it, because in most circumstances, he or she still loves you. To prove it, he or she will be…

3. Stepping Down

The cheater must be willing to step down and let the suffering partner take chief position in the effort of trying to repair the damage caused by the infidelity. The betrayer has usurped his or her authority by stepping outside the healthy bounds of the relationship. For recovery to be possible, they must be willing to hand the torch to the victim of the betrayal, who will now direct how the process of recovery will go. While steeping down, adopting remorseful humility and establish non-defensive approach to reconciling, will empower effort to reconcile for a more positive and sustainable outcome.

4. Focus on Rebuilding Trust

The trust has been broken and without trust there is no authentic relationship. The victim takes the role of the conductor, guiding the couple through any steps that might be necessary to rebuild the trust. Patience, humility, and loving-kindness in the attitude and responses offered by he or she who conducted the affair will help move things in a positive manner, but be forewarned that this may be a lengthy process as wounds from infidelity often run deep and are the most difficult to heal. This healing will take hard work, dedication, and time.

5. No Contact

The partner who has conducted the affair must be willing to sever all ties to the person who was involved in the act(s) of infidelity. According to the offended partner, the offender may have to conduct a message of “ending it once and for all” with the person with whom he or she conducted the affair with. The wounded partner may want to participate in the statement of final statement of closure in person, or listening in on the statement. Such a message of closure must also include a statement of love, commitment, and dedication to recovery to the betrayed partner. This individual must be avoided at all cost and may have to include a change of job or social interactive circumstances.

6. No Secrets

The unfaithful partner must be willing to live their future with full confidence in the betrayed partner, willing to commit to a full disclosure vibration, keeping no secrets from the partner. If there are any secrets kept, they should be kept with the wounded partner, no one else, in the recovery process. This may include full disclosure or passwords and other keys, surrendering of burner phones and inclusion of historical records, including banking or other secluded information. 100% openness and transparency indicates increased hope of successful reconciliation.

7. Focused Healing

Both parties must be focused on the healing that is necessary to recover from the betrayal of trust in the relationship. Wounded victims may suffer not only emotionally but physiological suffering may have a negative expression in the biological sphere of the betrayed. This may expressed as a deterioration of immunity, loss of energy and added propensity to chronic fatigue syndrome, depression, and/or increased risk of sickness or disease. If both participants are focused on the healing and reparation of the relationship, there is a greatly enhanced hope for recovery.

With these 7 steps to recovery from the affair, infidelity recovery can be possible if two people are committed to arriving at a possible outcome and if they are a part of the recovery process can greatly increase your probability of success.

If you can survive this as a couple, you may be able to continue to grow and increase your intimate connection having survived such a challenge and emerge as one of the power couples that the rest of us mere mortal admire so much.

May you be such an example of overcoming and rising to new height of love and life that we all aspire to.

If not, know that a faithful, loving, and monogamous partner is waiting for you, but he or she will not be able to appear until you have released this one, and signed off on the final chapter of this part of your journey.

Predict If There Is Hope for Your Relationship After Infidelity

You can often predict if there is hope for your relationship after infidelity by paying attention to how the cheater replies to the awareness that such a betrayal has occurred, and how the information was obtained.

If the cheater comes to you with the details of the affair and appears to express remorse over the event and says that he or she will do whatever is necessary to repair the offense and the relationship, there is a good chance the relationship is not only salvageable but may grow to be better and stronger than before the infidelity.

What if You Find Out About Cheating in Any Other Way?

If you heard about the affair in some other way, such as hearing about the infidelity from a third party or caught your partner either in discrepancies or worse yet, actively engaged in unfaithfulness, then there may still be hope for the reparation of your relationship.

If you have been betrayed by your partner, this should never be taken lightly. This is the worst thing that could possibly happen in a relationship. I don’t know how many times I have been told by couples that infidelity is the one dealbreaker in the relationship, to where there could be no recovery. Yet, I have seen these same couples face such a relationship crime and not only recover but thrive as their relationship grows beyond the possibility of couples who have not faced such a challenge.

How the Cheater Responds Will Help Predict Your Relationship Future

If the person who participated in the infidelity demonstrates any of the following responses, there is little or no hope for your relationship having any successful outcome.

Relationship Death Clues

Denies everything	Leaves the relationship without discussion
Devalues and disrespects the betrayed	Protects objects of infidelity
Inability to be truthful and honest	Does not accept responsibility
Chooses to live a life of secrecy and deception	The adulterer thinks their needs are primary
Adopts an air of superiority	Blames the betrayed partner
No respect for the relationship	Not seeing any worthwhile future

You may hear statements that are commonly used by those who are unable to rebuild trust and take the relationship to a new level. These cheaters will say things, like,

It’s my body, I can do what I want
Any sexual urge I have must be satisfied
If no one knows, it doesn’t matter
I must feel good, whatever it takes
If I am aroused by someone else, I must be with the wrong person
If I am stressed, I need (outside) sexual energy
That’s how I one-up my partner (by having someone else)
I always give, now I’m taking
I’ve been with so many, I could never go back

And even though these attitudes and statements statistically reinforce the idea that there is no hope for the relationship, there is still hope, even though the outlook appears to be bleak.

Look Out

The thing to look out for here; is that someone with sociopathic or predatory psychopath tendencies may feign efforts to reconcile only to further brutalize you far worse by increasing the stakes monumentally.

In this case, the sooner you end the relationship, the better.

You can see this is a delicate balance, and by now, you are starting to see the wisdom in seeking out third-party help in a family counselor or relationship coach to help you navigate these murky waters.

Once a Cheater Always a Cheater

It is commonly said “once a cheater always a cheater” and statistically, there is truth to the statement in general, but it does not take into account the great number of success stories that abound about cheaters turned faithful spouses.

How Can I Predict If There Is Hope for My Relationship After Infidelity?

There are certain clues to look for that will in a sense predict if your relationship has a higher chance of surviving infidelity.

Surviving Infidelity Successfully

The number one indicator is that the offender came to you directly, humbly, remorseful, and this is how you found out. In this case, he or she has intimated to you his or her sorrowfulness for the betrayal and the willingness to do anything to make up for the affair. This is the best hope you have for a stronger relationship in the future.

Regardless of how you became aware of the infidelity, the initial response of the offender is a leading indicator of a healthy and positive outcome from this otherwise relationship-destroying crisis.

The cheater

Takes full responsibility, does not blame the faithful partner
Is remorseful, sincerely apologetic, and feels guilty for the betrayal
Seeks forgiveness, and is willing to do whatever is necessary for as long as it takes to heal the relationship
Is completely honest and forthcoming about any and all details regarding the infidelity
Makes a complete break with the object(s) of the infidelity, i.e., no contact
Surrenders all devices and communication methods if requested (burner phones, bills, bank records, email accounts/passwords, etc.)
Allows the betrayed partner to dictate the path the relationship-healing will take

When a cheater is willing to come forth and cooperate in such a manner, the person who was betrayed by the unfaithful partner is more than likely able to do the work necessary to establish trust in the relationship once again.

If your unfaithful partner is willing to come to you with this level of openness and honesty, there is a high probability that a supremely successful relationship with this person who has failed the relationship is likely. (Unless he or she is a predatory individual on the Anti-Social Personality Disorder spectrum.)

These are the two extremes.

No Chance of Recovery

Signs of little chance of success, so that you can feel better about cutting your losses and finding ways to shore up your own self-love and wellbeing and severing ties with a cheater who is likely to make matters even worse if given half-the-chance.

Being forewarned is being forearmed. Unless you decide to try to rebuild the relationship even from this seemingly hopeless position. Let it be known that there are no absolutes in statistics regarding infidelity because after all, the participants are human beings, not statistics. I have seen relationships recover in the harshest circumstances but be fully aware that this is very rare indeed.

Best Chance of Full Recovery

The other extreme depicts the humbly brokenhearted contrite spirit of a man or woman who admits his moment of weakness, acknowledging his or her mistakes, and willingness to do whatever it takes to reestablish trust, wholeness, and oneness.

Restoration is Possible

Even in the best of circumstances, successful relationship restoration may not or may be possible. The best chance of full recovery is only the starting point. In no way am I saying that if the cheater represents himself or herself as honest and repentant as can be, does not mean that the betrayed partner should forgive and reembrace the betrayer based on face value.

Infidelity is a psychological and/or physiological activity that indicates that there is deep work to be done which either or both parties may have no idea what may be simmering deep beneath the surface of either one or both participants in this relationship.

Only the Beginning

Regardless of how you decide to go forward in this relationship, this is only the beginning of a long journey, that could end up being your worst nightmare, or the most glorious awe-inspiring example of love’s power to overcome even the worst of circumstances.

This is why you should seek out a family counselor or relationship coach to help you deal with this growth process who has experience in such things.

Only the going forward or not and time will tell.

Unequal Energetic Break up with a Cheater

Many problems can occur within the bounds of relationships, especially when there is an unequal energetic break up with a cheater at hand. Relationships can bring out the best or the worst among the participants and one partner may be shocked at how everything shifts immediately when they have been unequally yoked with a cheater.

In the throes of a love relationship, everything appears to be equal, as this can be an intimate time of sharing and caring. You might even entertain the of growing in a relationship together, even to become “one flesh,” as they say, or there may be an undercurrent of relationship imbalance that you are unaware of.

Sometimes, even the best of couples can find themselves at odds as they realize their paths are no longer headed in the same direction, and parting, as difficult as it can be, appears to be the only logical thing to do.

There is an unequivocal shift of balance at the end of the relationship when one discovers that he or she has been embroiled with a cheater.

They say that, “He who loves the least rules the relationship.” That is to say one of the partners is a little more demanding of subservience, a sort of, “It’s my way or the highway,” attitude. If one of these lovers is a cheater, the one who is cheating is a little more demanding (for he or she loves the least) insisting that, “If you make one wrong move, I am out of here.” And may add, “and you will never hear from or see me again as long as you live,” or something to that effect.

So, it can come as quite a shock to the lover who has caught his or her partner cheating. The offended partner may have undertaken the rigorous painstaking procedures to launch a personal investigation in the hopes of being able to confront the cheater and have a conversation about the offender’s desire to seek intimate attention outside of the relationship.

Often, this is a good way to go about it, because as many jilted partners have found out, to accuse a partner without any evidence can easily be dismissed as blind jealousy or mental instability.

You are ready. You have exerted much meticulous effort to have the documentation necessary to approach your cheating partner, only to find that at the very first mention of infidelity, your partner responds with something, like, “I told you that if you,” (insert any number of conditions) “that I would be gone, forever.”

Then he or she promptly packs his or her bags and leaves to start his or her new life. The groundwork for which has already been laid. The cheater already has new romantic interests in the wings, may have casual sex partners (nowadays, both physical and virtual) , has a strong network of people set up to party and celebrate with, and can easily defame the partner he or she cheated on, proclaiming that the victim was a jealous psycho who accused him or her (the cheater) of horrendous, unbelievable things (though many of them would be, in fact, truths, if not all of them).

All of this was premeditated and put in place, ready to launch in an instant. All you had to do was to question the cheater. The cheater is under no obligation to respond to any of your accusations or proof. Why? Because it is over.

Only you may still be in love. You may be emotionally and physically suffering from the impact of the reality of this situation, and maybe your intention was to try to work through this crisis to see of your relationship would be one of the great relationships which could survive infidelity. And believe me, many do.

I have seen so many couples recover from infidelity, even from the worst-case scenarios and recover in the most miraculous ways, but it takes faith, dedication, commitment, and a willingness to do the deep (most likely the hardest) work to break through to true love. It happens.

Far more often, though, these relationships end abruptly (though many may go through many break-ups on the way to the final one) with one partner joyously celebrating their new life and freedom, while the other one suffers. This is a clear and present unequal energetic break up with a cheater, which is extremely difficult for the partner cheated upon to recover from.

If the cheater is narcissistic, sociopathic, or has psychopathic tendencies, he or she may be very pleased with him- or her-self the more devastating his or her departure is to the victim of the breakup. The more wounded you are, the more powerful they feel. So, they will often flaunt their new celebratory life in your face as they discredit you all the way, just to add insult to any preexisting injury.

Has this ever happened to you?

If it has, please understand that you did nothing wrong. You may feel bad due to being suddenly shocked by the infidelity, the lies, the cheating, and no one would blame you. You are still in love and your ex- not so much. He or she is gone and trashing you all the way as they embark on their new life, while your heart is broken and bleeding.

Try not to give them the satisfaction of seeing you suffer. Healing will take time. Surround yourself with anyone who will not discredit you or call you a liar. Hopefully, you can find someone who will tell you something nice about you for a change. When you find these people keep them close and find your strength from within to feel good about yourself… without the need to strike out at your ex.

Most people will seek some revenge and want to expose the cheater with the truth of the proof they have gathered. Believe me, this will only prolong your healing process, and make your life even more drama prone. Resist seeking revenge.

The best revenge is to live a vastly successful and amazing life, regardless of what challenges you may have faced. Focus on doing that, as you ignore your naysayers.

You may find yourself participating in poor self-talk, ruminating about the past, thinking about the time and energy you wasted truly loving this person, beating yourself up for not seeing this sooner, or any other type of negative thought patterns. Please find ways to resist doing so, and thank God, that you found out now, and not later. (This could have been far worse if it had been allowed to continue even longer.)

You are better off without this person’s deceit and lies in your life.

Though it may not seem like it right now, know this: There is someone out there who is so well suited for you that every moment you spend with him or her will seem like a miracle in comparison to this experience.

Is Your Partner Being Unfaithful?

What if your spouse or partner is sneaking around behind your back and not being forthcoming with details? Is your partner being unfaithful? Does it mean he or she is having an affair?

When you notice that your beloved’s behavior does not seem to be congruent with the intensity of the relationship that you think the two of you share, definitely something is going on. Is your partner cheating on you?

It’s not a good idea to jump to conclusions at the first sight of inconsistencies in your relationship. But when you notice things are not as they appear, or you’re feeling like something’s wrong, it is time to start paying more attention to what is going on.

And keep in mind that all affairs are not equal. Keep in mind that infidelity is not just sexual, as there are many types of infidelity, and your partner may be having an emotional affair, not necessarily a sexual affair.

So, what are some of the signs that might cause blips on your radar of suspicion?

Secrecy

Anything that looks or feels like secrecy, specifically things that go on in your partner’s life that you are intentionally made unaware of. What is he or she hiding? And why?

It makes any normal person wonder, what’s up?

Does there seem to be some secrecy surrounding the phone? Is there a regular practice of deleting texts, caller ID numbers, or emails? If you are aware of a particular phone number and you search for it on your partner’s phone and discover “Nothing Found” it could indicate a diligent deleter and potential cheater.

Is there regular and lengthy telephonic, electronic, or face-to-face communication with “a friend” taking place in your absence?

This is almost always an indication that something’s going on behind the scenes, especially when you feel like this activity is going on behind your back. At the very least, this is indicative of an emotional affair.

At the very least, you can be certain that trust is eroding rapidly, or may no longer exist.

If your partner is reluctant to put a stop to the extracurricular conversation and relationship, this is a good indicator that your relationship is in trouble. You already know that if he or she seems to accommodate your wishes to no longer contact but then takes it to another deeper level of secrecy, you’re in real trouble.

If your partner refuses to cutoff an outside relationship that may be causing conflict in your relationship, you know that this person has more value to your partner than you do.

Do Not Accuse

Your first response to becoming suspicious or aware of inconsistencies in your relationship is not to accuse or respond negatively to your partner. Don’t start stalking or going through their personal belongings looking for clues of an affair. Just don’t do it. If you get caught trying to catch your mate sneaking around – and nothing’s going on – and you get caught doing so, it will not reflect well on you. Nothing good could come from that.

Do Share

Your relationship is about sharing your lives one with the other, it is totally appropriate to share your feelings, being certain to begin your statements, not with, “You,” but rather with, “I feel…”

Admit that your feelings are causing you to draw conclusions that may be wrong, and invite him or her to explain.

You are allowed to have feelings. Also, be aware that your feelings may mislead you or cause you to come to conclusions that are less than rational. This usually heavily influenced by your past and may have little or nothing to do with this relationship. Nonetheless, you are still entitled to have feelings.

If you are accusatory and your accusations are unfound, then you can do some inner work to see what is there under your skin that might be making you feel suspicious about your partner.

Note your partner’s response. If he or she responds in a respectful, caring and concerned response, there is hope and your fears may have been unfounded. On the other hand, if your partner laughs at you, makes fun about how ridiculous your feelings are, and especially, if your partner counters with accusing you of having an affair (which means he or she probably is)… There is not much for you to work with. You could do far better, regardless if there’s an affair going on or not.

If your partner admits that he or she was pursuing someone else’s attention, this kind of open transparency, honesty, is the best possible outcome, and can open the relationship to another level of intimacy.

Cheaters Have Nothing to do with You

It’s easy to internalize your frustrations if you’ve been with a partner who has been unfaithful. Cheaters have nothing to do with you. If you’re monogamous and committed to someone who is a cheater, when he or she has left, you might start questioning yourself. “What did I do?” or alternatively, “What’s wrong with me?” amongst other self-deprecating questions. When the truth is it’s about the cheater, not you.

Cheaters are gonna cheat. That’s just the way it is. You can change a cheater, it’s just the way they are hard-wired. Can a cheater change into a loving, caring, monogamous, and faithful partner? Yes. But you cannot change them. Only the cheater can change his or her life that drastically. Nothing you can do can change them.

Your first instinct is to blame yourself because you lack the full lovingness for yourself, so you question your worthiness, as all your insecurities rise to the surface, making you feel worse and worse about yourself, while the happy-go-lucky cheater is off on his or her next conquest.

Nothing is wrong with you. You are perfect in every way, only you do not realize it or know that all the love you seek resides within you waiting to be set loose in all its power and glory.

Lacking this true love from within, you will submit yourself to the endless abuse of not feeling as though you are not enough, questioning your authentic beauty, or over criticizing your income, weight, choice of apparel, hairstyle, mannerisms, possessions, family, beliefs, or any other endless possibilities that might make you feel less than worthy.

The choices other people make, the things they do, have nothing to do with you. You are for more inconsequential in the lives of people who have little or no regard for you than you might think. People just say or do stuff because their lives have led them to say or do this or that. That is all.

If it wouldn’t have been you, it would have been someone else.

You are not responsible for the life your ex- has lived up to this point and you can never know what is going on inside someone else’s head or heart.

In most (if not all) cases of infidelity or the inability for someone to make a long-term commitment comes from a lifetime of insecurity, fear, and/or abuse, every detail of which could never be fully known by any other person.

It’s up to you to look after your own feelings and sense of worthiness. You need to not let anyone have control over how you feel. In this way, you can reclaim your power from anyone who has threatened your otherwise sense of wellbeing.

If you let others to be responsible for how you feel, you would be just like your ex- who is constantly needing someone else to make him or her feel good. And when you make someone else responsible for how you feel, it works, but not for long.

If someone doesn’t like you the way you want them to, don’t feel bad. Be grateful that you found out when you did, because it could have been much worse had your relationship been allowed to continue in its dysfunction.

Your value is not determined by anyone or anything outside of yourself. Your preciousness comes from the love within yourself. Allowed to grow within yourself your love can expand and overflow to others and the world around you.

Without this unlimited source of love enveloping you, the best you can do is to mitigate your emotional state, with all its contradictions and inconsistencies, the best you can by applying emotional bandages (other people and what they think of you).

You are perfect, with all your imperfections, just the way you are.

You were born in love, full of love, and worthy of love, for you (in your truest essence) are love personified. Even if no one else recognizes your sacred divinity, it still remains true; you are pure love.

You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone, ever.

You love yourself enough to walk away from any relationship which is not in alignment with your highest and best.

You and your love is all the love you need, and when the right person shows up with a vibrational frequency with is alignment with your highest and best, nothing can stand in your way.

Great love is on its way to you.