Awkward Desire to Help

You see someone struggling and you feel compassionate toward them and you’re vacillating in that awkward zone… You want to offer your heartfelt compassion, support, input, or assistance but you’re obviously feeling uncomfortable and discombobulated. You find yourself struggling with an awkward desire to help in some way. What can you do when you want to help someone who hasn’t asked for help?

You must first recognize that you are under no obligation to help anyone who is struggling. In fact, your offering assistance to someone who is struggling through a difficult challenge or process can hinder their propensity to learn an invaluable skill or far greater lesson leading to greater opportunity and change in his or her life.

Keep this in mind before you reach out to someone in an attempt to help them but always find a way to communicate that you love and/or care for them. You can gently nudge them or make suggestions of things they might try but be careful not to offer to do it (whatever it is) for him or her.

Remember that no one is broken or wrong. Everyone is on their own divine path. You can probably think back to times in your life that were very difficult. You might have even thought you could not possibly live through such a difficult experience, yet you did. Not only did you live through it but going through the experience opened the door to new possibilities and a better life for you. You wouldn’t want to rob someone else from a similar experiential expansion.

If your heart is pure and filled with compassion (not judgment) you can offer a little something-something to help him or her through this awkward moment in time.

I have learned (the hard way) that you cannot help the people you love and care about by taking them under your wing and supporting them by doing more for themselves than they are willing to do with themselves. This also applies to the coach/client relationship. You can show them the way, but you are doing both yourself and your client a disservice by trying to do it for them.

You can help someone with all the best intentions and might be surprised to find out the person you’re trying to help doesn’t value or want your help at all. Try not to let your feeling get hurt if someone doesn’t appreciate your offer to help. Remember that it’s not about you. It’s about the person you’re feeling compassionate about. Don’t make it about you. Bless them, and let them find their own way, and don’t take it personally.

Everyone is entitled to their own perspective. You can’t possibly know what is going on inside someone else’s head, and in their world, they may be working their ass off, exerting all the effort and abilities they have dealing with their own issues and battling their own demons. Maybe what they need is the space to deal with their own issues.

Also, consider that everyone is different. This person might be in their own Nirvana, which might look like hell to you, and you might be feeling sorry for them because you would feel awful if you were in that situation. Allow them to enjoy the place there are in if that’s what they want. To expect them to see their life from your perspective would be abusive.

Sometimes a person can find comfort in their painful situation. Being in this difficult place in their life might be a powerful part of their identity and personality. They might feel safe and secure (as odd as that might appear to you) when they are in this situation. They may not want to change or see any need to change the life they have become so accustomed to.

In some cases, someone who could really use a hand might not accept it from a person who cannot identify with their current status. If they are going through something and they know you have no idea about what they are going through, they might be unlikely to accept any assistance from you, even reject you. Again. Don’t take it personally. Bless them and allow the right person to be attracted to them who might be able to understand better where they are and what they’re going through.

It’s not your job to save the world.

You cannot, and you are never expected to, save everyone.

We can have incredible resources, skills and special abilities to help other people, but we must focus on those to whom we are vibrationally a match to. Even so, don’t be too enthusiastic about helping someone more than they are willing to help themselves.

Feel free to help, as you are inspired to do, but match their efforts to help themselves side-by-side, step for step, nothing more, love and bless them, no matter what.

Fear Disguised as Compassion

How many times has someone rained on your parade or tried to put the kibosh on your idea(s) or squash your dreams? It happens all the time, and usually includes, “I care about you so much,” or, “I’m just looking out for your best interests,” but it’s really only fear disguised as compassion.

They don’t really care about you, or else they’d be more supportive. Okay, that was harsh, maybe they do care about you, but they’ve let their fear override taking the higher road of loving and supporting you to achieve your highest and best.

Let’s face it, most people are governed by fear. It’s the way we’ve been taught to live life on this planet, in a constant state of fear. Fear from the government or the police, fear of not being accepted by others or doing good enough. This is how we are easily controlled and herded like sheep, in a constant state of fear… and if things get too good or comfortable, look out. Because something very frightening is about to happen to make sure you’re slapped back into the state of fear.

We project these fear(s) onto the people we supposedly care about and we do our best to cover it up to make it look like compassion, like we care so much about whoever it is we’re “trying to protect,” when really, we’re projecting our own fear onto him or her.

Maybe you’ve done this (I know I have). When my brother was deciding to make a particular life choice that would have huge impact on the remainder of his life, I did my best to dissuade him from pursuing this path, and to me, it really felt like compassion, or more, like I was trying to save him from making the most tragic decision of his life.

Why? Because I was truly afraid for him (but not really). The truth was, I had made a similar choice early on in my life, with hugely less than desirable results. I did not want the same thing to happen to him. But guess what? I wasn’t him.

He maintained his position and stayed true to what he felt was his calling and became hugely successful following this endeavor. In retrospect, I can look back and see, my compassionate concern had little or nothing to do with my brother’s decision and everything to do with my fear based on my experience. Nothing to do with my brother and everything to do with me.

Since then, I’ve realized that we’re all uniquely different and we all are doing the best we can with what we have. Two people can do exactly the same things, step-by-step, and have entirely different results. One could go through the experience with invaluable yet harsh lessons to be learned in preparation for his or her next phase of life, the other wildly successful.

Now, I am more cautious about cautioning others who are pursuing their dreams.

Since I’m in the dream business, I am constantly surrounded by people pursuing their dreams. So much so, that I am often surprised when I find myself in a public venue politely engaging in chit-chat and discover most people are not pursuing their dreams.

I forget, sometimes, that the rest of the world is so fearful, and they have given up on the hope that their dreams would ever come true, except for the hope of maybe winning the lottery, one day.

Most of them can recall a time when they were more optimistic about potential positive outcomes, had a dream, took a shot at it, and was either not supported, or failed, and just gave up on it, as if it was just some childish fantasy.

And as we know, misery loves company, so those who had a dream and walked away from it, fearing that it wouldn’t come true anyway, try to gather people “we care about” around us, and persuade them to feel the same way we do, in their best interests.

With the best intentions, we try to gently smash their dreams, because we fear they will suffer the same heartbreak that we did when we had a dream.

How dare we do that?

If you really cared about that person (you were trying to save from himself or herself) you would boldly support them in their pursuit of his or her dreams.

Shame on you (me, or anyone) for projecting my fear onto someone else.

Surely, you may share your experience with him or her, being careful not to communicate in any way that you might not be 100% supportive of their decision and effort to follow their dreams. Maybe you’re sharing your experience will help them avoid a potential pitfall as they go forward and seek to achieve their highest and best.

Therein is the redemption for your experience or failure. Every misstep or failure has a lesson in it. In most cases, the lesson is for you, but maybe, in this case, it was for that person who has raised the courage to go for their dream.

We all have our own individual paths to follow and journey to embark upon, celebrate those who have the drive to be true to themselves. Maybe they stumble and fall along the way. Support them, help them get up and back on their feet again. Be there for them, when they need a shoulder to lean on, but never say, “I told you so.” Instead, say,

“I love you and I will support you in whatever you decide to do, because I believe in you, and you will do what is right for you.”

If you really care about them, bless and support them for going for it no matter what.