Out of Control Fighting in Relationships

I know, you’re committed to this relationship, you love your partner but occasionally things get insanely out of control and the whole thing gets crazy and you can’t seem to help yourself in that moment.

What happens is your caveman or cavewoman danger chemistry is activated, you feel like you’re going to be some dinosaur’s lunch, and you’re fighting for your life. In that moment you’re out of control and incapable of rational thought because your amygdala has taken control and your rational mind is shut down.

This is actually an incredible opportunity to uncover buried treasure hiding beneath the surface, but we’ll address that later. For the moment, let’s just get you through this panic and irrational conflict, so that it doesn’t do more harm to the relationship than good.

First off, realize that if your partner is sounding off, like this, there’s something extremely ancient and sacred taking place and honor it and respect it. Understand that through this process which can look like outrage, your partner is trying to communicate something of importance to you.

The last thing you want to do is to take it personally, or get riled up yourself. If one of you is out of control, there is hope, if both of you are out of control, the relationship will suffer damages that may be irreparable. If you can, try not to lose your control, and if you feel like you’re about to lose your cool,

Stop It

Call a timeout. Of course, you both have to understand and agree to invite the timeout process into your relationship in advance and you have agreed that when one or the other initiates a timeout, you both agree to stop talking for a period of time, no more than 20 minutes.

Center

Those precious moments need not be wasted, take the time to center yourself. There are many methods to center one’s self. If you don’t have a method, you might consider this technique used on trauma patients. Imagine a copper cord that goes from the center of the top of your head, through your body to the center of your stomach. Then focus your attention as a small soothing electrical charge moving all the way up and down the copper cord. A few minutes of this and you’re centered.

Review

Collect your thoughts about what you want to communicate and try to think of the best way to present it to your partner. It’s helpful to have something to write with.

Chemical Process

Your brain has released a chemical cocktail that has put you into a state of panic. These chemicals are still moving throughout your nervous system, but their effects are dwindling during the break. About 15 minutes, or less is all it takes to return your body’s chemistry to a more normal state, without further stimuli.

Re-engage

After you have centered and gathered your thoughts you are ready to resume your attempt to communicate. If you were the one charged with unbridled emotion, you can return to that state if you feel it necessary to get out your pent-up feelings, frustrations or pain.

You’re in Good Hands

Your partner has your back. He or she has agreed to partner with you in this process to provide a safe and secure environment for you to express yourself and he or she will do everything he can to correctly understand what it is you’re trying to say.

Expect to be asked questions for clarification, and reiterate or rephrase your ideas so that your partner can correctly comprehend what it is your trying to say concisely.

If You’re Both Out of Control

If you’re both out of control, this is very unfortunate. Whomever has the first moment of clarity or consciousness must find the wherewithal to call for a timeout to stop the danger ahead which is waiting when both of you are out of control.

And you might have to take turns, following one’s rage, after clarity of the subject matter is clearly understood, the other partner may need to have a go at it. Now it’s your turn to hold the sacred space for your partner to freely express him or herself.

Rules of Engagement

You agree to following the rules to the best of your ability and they are

1. Don’t take it personally

Your partner must have the safe space respected and protected by you to express him or herself in any way necessary. Try not to take it personally, even if some disrespect might be directed to you.

2. Seek to understand

Separate any rage from the value of the message being communicated. While your partner may be over-reacting due to raging chemistry as he or she is in fight or flight mode, keep this in mind as you listen and ask for clarity.

3. No threats

Agree in advance that respecting and protecting the sacred space for your partner’s expression means that at no time will either partner threaten the relationship. Avoid using statements like, “if you keep saying that, I’m out’a here.” Don’t start throwing around statements inferring that either one of you will be bailing out, compromising or ending the relationship prematurely. If you are married, using the D-word (divorce) is strictly verboten and you are to refrain from accusing your partner of wanting to end the relationship when no such statement has been made.

Threatening the relationship will only threaten the relationship and is will cause mistrust and promote personal withdrawal and separation.

Honor the Relationship

Even when the going gets tough, and things get out of hand, you know you are together, committed and in a loving, supported environment, if you and your partner can approach potential out of control conflict in this manner.

You got this.

How to Keep from Getting So Pissed Off

I don’t care who you are, every once a while you find yourself running off the rails and getting pissed off by someone or over something… Aargh!

Can’t help it, in life, shit happens, and sometimes we lose our otherwise sense of cool and let ourselves get pissed off, even to the point of losing it.

Anger is a negative emotion based on fear, which is the gateway to lower emotional vibrations of sadness, guilt, frustration unhappiness and helplessness.

If what you want is to achieve happiness in this life, you’re going to have to learn to recognize anger when it rears its ugly head and lop it off before it makes you look the fool and starts to drag you down.

Identifying when your emotions or anger start to build within you, catch yourself and ask,

Am I angry at someone else? Or alternatively, Am I angry at myself?

Analyze yourself and determine what it is that makes you feel angry, this will help you to pinpoint what it is that’s getting your goat.

The better you get at controlling your anger, the easier it gets to get along in life without the unnecessary distraction of unbridled anger running amok.

The better you get at getting a grip, the closer the happiness is that you seek.

Try this:

When you feel anger welling up inside you, allow yourself to go limp, as if all the life just drained out of you and from this slumped, deflated position, breathe into and out of your diaphragm allowing your inner soul to reinflate with love. You will find this an effective way of disarming anger before it gets ahold of you.

Imagine yourself stepping outside your body and looking at you and asking you, “Do you think displaying anger in this moment is going to get you what you want?” Will it affect or change anything for the better of give you what you want to be angry? If not, let it go. Public displays of anger are unbecoming and are not likely to serve you in any plausibly positive light or lead to a good outcome.

Anger is a stressor which breaks down your immune system, promotes advances aging and physiological deterioration. Is that what you want? Create a stress-free zone in your mind, a place you can go where you feel perfectly calm, safe and secure. Go to this place which is safely secure in your mind, when you feel like anger is getting the best of you.

If the object of your anger is something someone else is doing, try to imagine yourself, if you were that person doing that thing… Would you be as pissed off if it was you? Might you be able to imagine why that person might feel led to do what they’re doing that’s pissing you off?

When it comes down to it, your anger is all about you, no one else but you. You are the one who decides whether your anger gets the best of you, or not. You choose whether to get pissed or let it go. It’s all on you.

For some people, reciting a positive affirmation in the moment that you are facing anger building up inside you can prevent you from compromising your otherwise healthy state of mind. Affirmations, such as, “I am calm and relaxed.” Or, “Anger is not going to have its way with me,” “Take it easy,” and/or, “Let it go,” are all good examples. Fina a mantra you can initiate at the moment, you need to get a grip.

My grandmother always used to tell me to count to ten before letting anger get the best of me, and I’ll be damned if this didn’t turn out to be an effective deterrent to making a fool of myself by letting rage possess my state of mind. The simple process of focusing on the numbers and seeing them in your mind’s eye as you are counting to ten can allow you to not lose control and see things from a more logical perspective.