cycle of abuse | David M Masters

Surviving abuse is an incredibly challenging ordeal that can lead to the development of unhealthy coping mechanisms as a means of self-preservation. While these coping strategies may have initially helped you survive the abuse, they can become counterproductive in the long run, ultimately granting power to the abuser. In this article, we will explore the concept of unhealthy coping skills developed as a result of abuse, why it’s essential to break this cycle, and how to self-diagnose and treat these patterns.

Understanding Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

Abuse, whether physical, emotional, or psychological, can leave deep scars on a person’s mental and emotional well-being. Victims of abuse often develop coping mechanisms as a way to endure their traumatic experiences. These coping mechanisms can include denial, self-isolation, emotional numbing, or even mirroring the behavior of the abuser to avoid further harm.

Unhealthy coping mechanisms can become ingrained over time, and while they may offer short-term relief from the pain and fear of the abuse, they ultimately become harmful. These mechanisms often include addictive or destructive behaviors that ultimately perpetuate a sense of powerlessness and dependence on the abuser, effectively granting them more control over the victim’s life.

Every time the victim initiates the unhealthy coping mechanism, the abuser is granted superiority and wins in the game of abusing others, prolonging their abuse. Victims can stop the lingering abuse, reclaim control of their lives and reestablish an empowered healthy life by firstly,

Self-Diagnosing Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

Recognizing and understanding your unhealthy coping mechanisms is a crucial step toward breaking free from the cycle of abuse. Here are some signs to help you self-diagnose these behaviors:

Escapism: You may find yourself resorting to substance abuse, excessive television or social media consumption, or other distractions to avoid facing your emotions or reality.
Self-Isolation: A common response to abuse is withdrawing from friends and family. You may have isolated yourself from loved ones to avoid confrontation or judgment.
Self-Doubt: Continuously doubting your own abilities and self-worth, which the abuser may have undermined during the abuse.
Imitating the Abuser: Mirroring the behavior of your abuser, either consciously or unconsciously, as a way to deflect harm or gain their approval.
Inability to Trust: Difficulty in trusting others, forming healthy relationships, and setting boundaries as a result of past experiences.

Breaking the Cycle

Breaking the cycle of abuse and unhealthy coping mechanisms is a challenging but vital journey towards reclaiming your self-worth and independence. Here are some steps to help you on this path:

Seek Professional Help: Reach out to a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and abuse. They can provide guidance and support as you work through your experiences and develop healthier coping strategies.
Self-Reflection: Take the time to reflect on your past and identify the coping mechanisms that you have adopted. Recognize that these strategies were survival tools and not a reflection of your character.
Build a Support Network: Reconnect with friends and family or seek out support groups where you can share your experiences and receive validation and empathy.
Set Boundaries: Learn to establish healthy boundaries in your relationships to protect yourself from further abuse and manipulation.
Cultivate Self-Compassion: Practice self-compassion and self-care. Treat yourself with kindness and patience as you navigate the healing process.
Educate Yourself: Learn about the effects of abuse and the psychology behind it to gain a deeper understanding of your experiences.
Reclaim Your Power: Acknowledge that the abuser no longer has control over your life. Take steps towards your own healing and personal growth.

Survivors of abuse who have developed unhealthy coping mechanisms should recognize that these strategies, while once necessary for survival, no longer serve their well-being. By breaking the cycle of abuse and developing healthier coping mechanisms, victims can reclaim their self-worth and regain control over their lives. Remember that seeking professional help and building a strong support network are essential steps on the path to healing and empowerment. You have the strength to overcome the destructive cycle of abuse and emerge as a victor, not a victim.

Alright, no doubt. You’ve been disrespected, even abused. That was a terrible injustice, but what are you going to do about it? The answer makes all the difference.

You can feed into the cycle of abuse, it’s the natural response.

Your boss says something which cuts you to the quick, and you resist lashing back, but when you get home, you say something biting to your spouse, who doesn’t want to rock the boat, and one of the kids gets inadvertently put down. The child goes to school and barks at another child, who disrespects a teacher, who disrespects a coworker, who gets upset at a cashier at the supermarket. The cashier strikes out at the person who is rounding up the shopping carts, who comes home and kicks the cat. The mom who sees this outburst expresses her frustration and the pet abuse, gets the dad upset, the family has an outburst but the father tries to settle the dispute, and he’s your boss, who it short with you, yet again, and the cycle readies for another round.

While, admittedly, over-simplified, this is the pattern of abuse, which can only be interrupted by nonother than (you guessed it), you.

The buck stops here, with you. You are the only one who can stop this abuse from running, like wildfire, throughout the world.

I like the way don Miguel Ruiz refers to this as “emotional poison.” When someone is the recipient of emotional poison, they know of no other way to ease the pain than to put it on someone else. So, he or she strikes out at you, now you’ve been infected. What are you going to do?

The next time someone disrespects you, infects you with their emotional poison, you could instead make the conscious decision to break the cycle. You can affirm, “This stops, here and now, with me.”

What you do next changes everything.

You can disable, the emotional poison by applying empathy, forgiveness, and love. You seek to understand that your boss was infected and have empathy for his or her condition, forgiving the transgression because you know what’s happening. After all, your boss is only doing the best he or she can do with what they have.

Your boss doesn’t know what’s going on, but you do.

But you’re still infected. You can’t just push it down, cover it up, and ignore it, because that will cause the wound to fester and build up more poison inside you, ‘til… well, you know what happens. Either it finds a way to come out in an explosive event, or it will cause your immune system to deteriorate, making you more susceptible to illness, accelerated aging, and possibly premature death.

That’s why you need to apply the most powerful healing energy of love to the wound. And when you do, something amazing happens. The wound heals enabling you to powerfully chose the love response. So, now…

What are you going to do?

When someone judges you, you can have the wherewithal to understand what’s going on behind the scenes and not take it personally.

When you are rejected, you can find acceptance that things are what they are, nothing more than that. Search your self and see if there is any value or hidden (meaningful) message in the rejection, otherwise, let it flow right past you, as if it were no thing. And it was, because it really had nothing to do with you, and far more to do with your rejector trying to release their own poison in that moment.

If someone tries to shame you for something that is just the way it is, there is no reason to defend yourself and you can have compassion for that person who tried to disempower you.

You have the ability to break the cycle of abuse.

You can be the person you needed to reach out to when you were hurting, instead of falling into the trap of becoming someone who perpetuates the spreading of emotional pain.