Big Boys Don’t Cry But They Should

Young boys are programmed not to show emotion as they are growing up, and this programming has been so effective that by the time they are adults, they have become rather emotionally numb and passé about things that might cause them to experience negative emotions, primarily sadness, as it signifies a lack of strength or weakness. To shed a tear is to expose your vulnerabilities, which is undignified, so we train our young men by instilling the mantra, “Big boys don’t cry.” And, for the most part, they comply.

The men in our world, at least 80 percent of them, don’t cry. They bottle up their sadness and lock it away inside to exude more strength, which is a virtue sought after by the opposing sex. This primal instinct makes men more appealing to women, who instinctively are attracted to signs of strength in a potential mate. This instinct hearkens back to a time in the early dawn of man and persisted until about a hundred years ago.

What happens when men withhold tears for years and possibly for a lifetime?

It’s no surprise that men who hide their emotions and pack them down into deep recesses of their mind are potentially walking powder kegs, that could explode at any moment, and many of them do. The explosive nature may express itself in extraordinary fits of rage, which can fuel a soldier to commit honorable acts of violence or create a domestic violence offender. To mitigate the growing pressure, these men may seek refuge in alcoholism or drug abuse to stave off pent up emotional outbursts.

Not crying comes at a great emotional cost and generally results in a shorter lifespan. Human beings who cry occasionally, live longer than their dry-eyed contemporaries.

In contrast to men, women cry more often and live longer than their male counterparts, but if they cry too much, they may find themselves at risk of being diagnosed with any of many neuroses, while women who do not cry might be considered as suffering from alexithymia.

Holding back one’s tears can be likened to willfully and slowly ingesting poison which will result in death, though abstaining from crying can be advantageous, especially in times of crisis. In emergent situations putting off the onset of tears can be hugely beneficial in crisis management and in such professions as military service and law enforcement. In these cases, an emotional release should be encouraged following the sounding of “all clear” or cessation of the crisis.

Refusing to cry and continuing to bottle up your emotions causes stress on the entire biological system and leads to a greater risk of heart disease and premature deterioration of brain function and health. Not crying will also make you more irritable and vulnerable to headaches, high blood pressure, and depression.

Crying is a good thing

The shedding of tears is an essential part of dealing with the wide variety of emotions that we all are blessed with. The ability to cry due to emotional triggers is what separates us from the other lifeforms on this planet, it is an exclusive human gift to be revered. Tears can be an important tool in processing excessive emotions and are likely to appear (if you allow them to be released) in both times of extreme emotional pain or happiness. The enormous outpouring of emotions such as love, compassion, reverent appreciation, or loss can also trigger a tearful emotional release promoting better mental and physical health and well-being.

Even though societal constraints or upbringing may make a tearful expression seem uncomfortable or awkward, nothing could be better for you psychologically and physiologically. Crying is an effective transitional response between emotional overwhelm and a sense of calm, or peace, following a good cry.

Crying allows the release of pent up emotional storages, which are harmful to us as tears release toxins in the body, leading to better health and longevity.

Maybe it’s time you let a tear or two fall, or enjoy a thorough release and let all those emotions careen down your face. It’s okay.

Big Boys Should Cry

and you are blessed if you can.

Pain Is A Gift

Life is fraught with pain. We will all experience pain in this life, but you get to choose whether the pain you experience will be long term suffering or healing pain.

You may be taken aback by the idea of choosing how you experience pain, if you are unfamiliar with the discipline of choice. You’re in good company because most people cannot wrap their head around the idea of choosing their pain.

Most people resign themselves to play the part of the victim and allow the forces around them to dictate when to be happy or sad, when to feel love or hate, when to feel good or bad.

If pain is inevitable (I don’t know if there’s any way to avoid pain) could you consider, if only for a moment, that you could make a conscious choice to have a perspective of fear which plays out as long term suffering, or from a perspective of love which uses the pain to heal, promote personal growth and the nurtures the advancement of your human potential.

When you assume the role of the victim, you allow something or someone else to have control over you and your emotions, and you can continue to give them this power over you over a prolonged term, even a lifetime, making you a slave to the pain.

Or, you can change your perspective by taking full responsibility for the pain (thus disarming the person or thing that was causing the pain) and look for the blessing.

While it may be hard to consider the idea that your pain can have blessing attached to it, this is an immutable reality.

All Pain Is a Gift

Better said, everything painful that you experience has within it a gift, a blessing. Something good and wonderful is waiting for you to discover it hidden within and masked by the pain. But you must diligently look for it to find it.

If you surrender to the pain and focus on the circumstances outside, the landscape will be so cluttered that it would be impossible to see the forest for the trees.

But if you can take responsibility, possession and ownership of the pain, you can gain the perspective necessary to find the hidden gift. And in many cases, once you are able to do this, you will find the pain may have kept you safe from something far worse,  possibly even saved your life.

You could spend a lifetime, punishing yourself, or someone or something else for some injustice. You see it all around you, people who are ever masking their pain, parading as a victim or self-medicating to mitigate the damages of being wronged. This is not only acceptable in the society which we live, but promoted as our slavery to pain enslaves us into addictions for profit.

The worse we feel about being victimized, the more we focus on abusing ourselves with alcohol, drugs, work, sex, hatred, anything that will give us a momentary sense of relief. Yet, try as we may, when the smoke clears, the lights go on, or the next day dawns, the pain remains. Unless you take action.

At the very least, do a search on YouTube for “Emotional Freedom Technique” (EFT). This is an effective method of breaking the neurological connection between the thought of the source of your pain and the physiological manifestation of the pain in your body.

You could visit an EFT practitioner to do the deep work, but you can easily find relief just by spending a few moments perusing YouTube, or if you have time, investigate via Google search.

This one simple  technique is quick, easy and painless, freeing your from the evil grip the pain has on you. This can give you enough space to catch your breath, regain your equilibrium and exert your cognitive skills enough to start looking for the gift that is waiting to be uncovered.

Vow to never be enslaved by pain again. You are beginning to evolve into the more advanced form of yourself. Taking this action causes your life – even your DNA – to change.

You are awakening the new you trying to emerge, and all you have to do is to be open and proactive, allowing the transformation to take place naturally.

 

Emotional Wounds

And emotional wound is a metaphor representing the result of traumatic events that have taken place at various times throughout your life. Just like a physical wound, if it is fresh, when you touch it, your pain centers will fire up and you will react to the pain. Left to themselves, emotional wounds may get infected with emotional poison, fester, spread.

Diagnosis

How can you tell if you’re infected disease? It’s easy. Has there ever been a time when someone said something to you and you over-reacted, experienced an emotional outburst, or acted irrationally? Have you ever thought about something that happened in your past that made you feel sad, hurt, depressed or angry? If you answered “Yes” to either or both of those questions: You have the emotional disease, and you are contagious.

The human psyches can only contain such pain so you must find a way to release the emotional pain. An effective way to relieve the pain of an infected emotional wound is to drain the emotional wound. Spewing the emotional poison to another person releases the pressure of the poison-filled emotional wound. Doing so, makes us feel a sense of relief because you’ve released the poison. But now that the poison has been transferred to someone else, it is infecting the recipient’s emotional wounds.

This unenlightened method of releasing emotional poison is to allow the emotional poison (negative energy and emotions) to build to such a degree as you have an emotional outburst, commonly irrationally striking out at someone nearby (often people who you trust the most). You feel better as the other person begins to feel worse. The other person has their own emotional wounds. The poison you’ve released to them, infects the latent emotional poison within them, and it’s not too long (may be immediate) that they strike back at you, or strike out at someone else.

This is the dysfunctional state of the negative energetic cycle which we are surrounded by every day. It’s no wonder the world is in the condition it is at the moment.

A more enlightened approach is to understand this idea of emotional wounds and their emotional poison. Once you realize what is taking place, you can find more effective ways to treat your own emotional wounds, release the emotional poison and heal them. With a bit of understanding and intentional effort, your emotional wounds could be healed once and for all.

You will find folks on a path to expanded consciousness becoming aware of this idea of emotional wounds, and what sets them apart from the mainstream population is that they are intensely combing through the tangles of their lives, finding their wounds and taking personal responsibility for their healing.

At present there is a worldwide epidemic of viral emotional poison triggering an unfathomable amount of emotional wounds that exists throughout the world.

You can be free of the emotional disease, no longer a carrier and immune.
Then, there is you. You are on this path of self awareness and you are seeking to uncover, treat and heal your emotional wounds. If you remain on this path and do the healing work on yourself, you could be completely free of the emotional disease altogether, and you will no longer be a carrier of the disease and develop immunity to it.

And you’re not alone. There is a growing number of individuals who are actively engaged in this personal work, and a growing number of those among the therapeutic and spiritual communities who are also supporting an expanding effort to treat emotional wounds, disinfect and heal them for good.

This concerted effort to individually and collectively spread the emotional healing will take time, but it’s getting better every day and the healing effects of it are already being felt across our nation and around the world.

Love Balloon Therapy

If you’re having a heavy negative emotional response to any person, memory, situation or circumstance – one that causes psychological or physiological pain or discomfort – you might consider initiating the Love Balloon Method for relief.

Used in my practice, the Love Balloon Method, is a simple guided meditation technique that relieves the stress and trauma of a challenging life event while retaining the lessons learned. The Love Balloon Method can be an effective therapeutic process in your life and/or practice.

Equipment Required

  • A Penny
  • A Balloon
  • A Pin (optional)

The only props needed for this process is a penny (or any other small object to be used as a focal point, such as a crystal or stone, etc) and an unused balloon. I use a penny due to its conductive properties and they are readily available, but you could use anything of a similar modest size. The balloon is used for its insulation quality and also as an active part of the emotional release process and the pin (or any sharp object) to pop the balloon when appropriate.

The Love Balloon Process

Relax

Relax in a comfortable position and focus on the person, memory, situation or circumstance causing your discomfort. You may find the emotional impact from this event or thing disrupting your life or day at unexpected times causing you to feel uneasy, anything from mildly uncomfortable – to – sick to your stomach or other pain in your body.

Close Your Eyes

For this moment in time, you are simply finding a peaceful place in your mind to relax prior to starting the process as you hold the penny in your left hand, palm up, between your thumb and middle finger. When you have achieved a reasonable state of calm and peace you are ready to move onto recalling the event.

Recall

Using your imagination – with your eyes closed – recall every detail about the object of your discomfort. Ramp up all the emotional impact that you can so that if on a scale of 1 – to – 10, your emotions would be as close to a ten as possible, as if you were as hurt, angry or uncomfortable as if it were happening, right now.

Watch TV

In your mind’s eye, shrink the scene down so that you see the event in its entirety as if it were on a television screen. Now step outside of the television screen, so you can clearly see all the events taking place from outside the TV. Outside the television you remain safe from the event(s) taking place. You can view the entire scene and while it may be uncomfortable to watch it play out before you, you are separated from the scene as it plays out before you.

From this vantage point, you have the remote control, and see how you can pause the scene, fast forward, rewind, , zoom in, zoom out, play in slow motion and adjust the sound of the scene. In fact, you will be surprised and/or amused at how much control you have other the entire scene. Try it now.

White Light, Love and Joy

Imagine a beam of white light beaming down from above, right down through the top of your head, passing through your head to your heart, filling your heart with the light of love and joy. Let this light flow full force and spread its glow throughout your whole body and overflow out through your feet and into the earth below.

Let the television turn and spin as it is engulfed by the heavy flow of love and joy to shrink and follow the flow to the area of your heart, where it spins in the heart’s vortex of light, love and joy.

Hand on Heart

Place your right hand on your heart, creating an overflow of light, love and joy recycled as it overflows from the heart, traveling through your right shoulder, through your arm, out your palm and in the area of your heart where the TV spins even more.

Charge the Penny

When you are ready, right hand still on your heart, send the TV and this incredible love, light, joy and energy down your left arm and see it flow into the penny. See the penny glow in white light while the TV is locked safely inside.

Open Your Eyes

Penny to Balloon

Take the balloon now with your right hand and stuff the penny with your event trapped inside into the balloon. The balloon is made of rubber which acts as an insulator. Safely tucked inside, you can feel the penny but cannot feel any of the emotion. Inside the balloon, it is just a penny.

Blow Up the Balloon

In the knowledge that the flow of light, love and joy, still flowing through the top of your head to your heart and overflowing out through your feet, breathe in and see your breath filling the area of your heart glowing with the light of love and joy. Use this love and joy infused breath to blow up the balloon.

Repeat inhaling into your heart and blowing as your exiting breath filled with light, love and joy continues to fill the love balloon.

Filled Love Balloon

Once the balloon is filled with all that light, love and joy, you can either pinch it or tie it off and sake the balloon. You can hear and feel your penny bouncing and rattling around inside. Imagine how silly and amusing your problems seem bouncing around inside the love balloon. Smile and increase your joy as it bounces around, even allow yourself to laugh at how funny this all is.

Release with Love

After you have amused yourself sufficiently and realize you are ready to finally let go of the emotional impact of the event. Honor the event by allowing your mind to be able to find the goodness, the lesson and learning from having lived through this event as you release all the emotional control this person, memory, situation or circumstance had over you in love.

If you are pinching the balloon, release it with the grand, flatulent sound of sudden deflating and laugh or even cheer as it is gone. Alternative, if you have tied the balloon, pop it and your problem explodes along with the balloon.

Celebrate Freedom

Celebrate by uttering a vocal, “Wa-hoo!” or some similar phrase that makes you feel good. Do a jig and dance around the room. You are now free from the emotional impact or abuse from this person, memory, situation or circumstance.

Wa-hoo!

I love the love balloon.

Do Others Control You?

When you get upset at someone else, about what they have done, or some injustice you’ve suffered due to people, events or circumstances beyond your control, you actually bequeath to another (whomever you feel the offender is, whether it be another person, organization, government, system or even God) complete control over you.

While it feels as though someone or something outside of yourself has insinuated circumstances which has in effect victimized you in some way, as might be the case in terms of the loss of a job or a loved one, or the diagnosis of a severe illness, it is up to you whether you allow yourself to become a victim, or not.

If you feel bad, allow your feelings to be hurt by someone or something outside yourself, for every moment you allow your thought processes to be distracted by someone or something else due to your emotional state, you are forfeiting control.

Who You Blame is In Control

The object of your mind’s focus (whoever or whatever they are) is indeed in control of you and your emotional state. If you are blaming a circumstance, person, place or thing for things going badly or some injustice which you have suffered, then you are a willing victim to the object of your attention.

Is that what you want?

If someone has wronged you, do you really want that person to continue to further victimize and have control over your life?

In terms of psychopaths, narcissists and those along the Anti-Social Personality Disorder spectrum, they revel in the idea that they are honored by being remembered by you and are constantly in your thoughts. They feed off your negative attention and it empowers them to conduct more discontent in the world, as they continue to further enjoy the fruits of their efforts to drag you down and you continue to sink into depths of despair.

Your discomfort, loss, sadness and depression is their continued reward. They arrogantly acknowledge complete control. They assert their win and your loss as they enjoy every minute of it.

do-others-to-control-you-stop-blaming-take-control-responsibility

How to Stop Giving Away Control

The key to taking back control of your life is to stop blaming someone or something from causing your current negative emotional state.

If you want control of your life, you need to assert control and the only way to do that is to accept full responsibility for things being as they are.

Stop Blaming

Take Full Responsibility

You must find a way to stop blaming and start taking full responsibility.

A common method of taking responsibility is to accept the fact that your life is a journey, a path you travel which will have many experiences, some good, some bad, all to experience a full range of emotional states and allowing you to gain knowledge and grow as a result of the myriad of experiences you have along the way.

I, on the other hand, enjoy taking it a step further, imagining myself in a far-off place high above the world where we live out our life’s journey. In this place, I selected my parents, the time and place of my birth, the circumstances surrounding my journey as well as the challenges and obstacles that I would face to maximize my experiences throughout the course of m life.

I imagine myself as if I were off-camera (so to speak) hooked up to advanced equipment, enjoying having all the experiences that I have while hooked up to this equipment.

From this perspective, I am much more likely to not take things personally. It’s as though all my life experiences are part of a film I am watching, though I am able to experience all the sensations of my character in this medium.

If this is too far out of a concept for you to wrap your head around, no problem; you need not go that far out in space.

Just find other ways to stop blaming and accept full responsibility for your life. Find ways to release the emotional pain by any ways or means possible and retain the learning from all life events.

The Past is the Past

One of the most debilitating conditions humans can encounter is that of emotional pain, from loss, abuse or regret. Interestingly, we suffer this pain independently of any physical condition, yet the physiological distress can be as serious as the psychological discomfort.

Indeed our thoughts control our emotions, and our physiological wellbeing. When the past haunts us in our present state of mind, the past is not in the past as it keeps impeding on the present becoming a component of “now,” instead of being safely stored in the past where it belongs.

the past is the past

When one has suffered a psychological trauma (which can be demonstrated physiologically as illness or disease) as a result of something that has happened in the past (like, post traumatic stress disorder, for instance), the standard response from someone who hasn’t walked a mile in your shoes is, “Just get over it. The past is the past.”

Ah, “the past is the past;” the mantra of the psychopath. That’s what a psychopath says when he or she has committed a significant transgression, and expects you to disregard the past because it cannot be changed (here’s where they insert assertions about how much they’ve changed, assuring you that you would never be at-risk again) all in an effort to set you up for the next unexpected blow.

In general, psychopaths are unique in that they have no feelings, no feeling of love, remorse, guilt… they are psychologically bullet-proof (or bankrupt)… they have no need to seek forgiveness, nor do they accept responsibility for their missteps… To those of us who suffer emotionally from being abused, wronged or traumatized, this would be considered a superpower… and in some ways, it is.

Bottling up suppressed emotional trauma related to the past weighs heavily on the normal operating condition of the human body and is not an effective approach to dealing with PTSD.

Thankfully, there are therapeutic models that help people deal with traumatic incidents that have been experienced in the past that continue to thwart our sense of well-being. Enter what I refer to as, “Time Machine Therapy.”

I know that the idea of a time machine seems like a bit too much science fiction for the average person… but time travel has been accomplished using the power of the mind for thousands of years, though some intellectuals insist that it’s only been about 150 years… It doesn’t really matter how long it’s been, what does matter is that it is an effective process that can have valuable healing power today.

With access to this potent therapeutic modality we have challenged that famous catch-all phrase, “the past is the past,” because now, we have a method not only to access the past, but to manipulate or even change the past.

It’s also important to have access to the skills that it takes to let go of the past, to disconnect the physiological connection that leads to discomfort and stress. There are many methods available to help you overcomes traumatic loss or change in your life, and to put you back in the driver’s seat of your life.

Being distracted by the concerns about one’s past makes it difficult to navigate one’s present. That is why it is imperative to deal with the issues of the past for a normal person (does not apply to psychopaths or sociopaths) in order to not have your cognitive resources bogged-down with the burden of yesterday.

It is imperative to begin to live in the present, and you can get you from there to here and powerfully empowered to be the best that you can be.

You might ask, “When accessing or altering the past, do we still retain the lessons learned?”

That’s a good question; and the answer depends on the client. In most cases, we can retain the memories, disconnecting the feelings connected to them. In rare cases, entire memories need to be altered or erased in order to preserve a healthy perspective of the client.

A common response to that is, “That sounds like brainwashing!”

You may associate a lot of negative associations to the idea of tampering with one’s memories, but this is done at the request – and with the full cooperation and consciousness – of the client; and in times of emotional crises time machine therapy is a healthy alternative to a condition that might otherwise be unmanageable.

In the event that wiping the slate clean is necessary, the client is always equipped with the combination to the mental safe that keeps those memories locked safely away, if it becomes important to access them once again.

Once you are in charge of your life again, you will find yourself making positive progress, changing your future and the world for a better life, your best life and make the world a better place. You may feel regret from opportunities that were lost as a result of your previous struggles with issues from your past – as though you have lost a piece of your past that may have been better spent – and may have thought that you lost your chance for this or that… Not true. Once you are back in the present you can be and do more than you may have ever imagined because you are more empowered and aware than ever before.

You will no longer be limited by false inhibitions or past burdens. Everyone deals with the issues of their past in different ways, and there are a quantity of tools and techniques that ensure that you can have a positive outlook for you and those whom you care about.

 

Crime Victim Recovery

Realizing that you have been victimized in some way by crime can have a devastating effect on one’s life. One can become a victim of crime in many different ways. Some examples of the types of crime victims that can be overcome include:

Adolescent Victims of Abuse

This could be a young, underage person who has been physically or emotionally victimized either by another adolescent or adult and may include molestation, or physical abuse resulting in injuries, like, bruising, broken bones or other maladies. This could be an immediate issue, or one that has continued to cause suffering through adulthood.

you meant to victimize me crime victim recovery

Adult Physical or Emotional Assault or Abuse

Again the spectrum covers the widest range of forms of assault or abuse. Assault or abuse can include everything from psychological manipulation or mind-control techniques to physical threat of violence or the use (real or implied) of a deadly weapon.

Gang Violence

The obvious negative effect of gangs on or society is the victimizations of others who may or may not be actively involved in the gang environment; and may include all forms of crime, violence and/or victimization.

Random Act of Violence

Occasionally victims of violence are simply in the wrong place at the wrong time when a violent act occurs. This is the most difficult type of violence to rationalize, due to its randomness. Acts of terrorism may result in violence that may be experienced as random.

Sexual Assault/Abuse

Obviously these crimes are sexual in nature but also cover a wide breadth of possible assaultive or inappropriate methods that can have an emotional impact on the victim. This category includes sexual harassment, inappropriate touching, rape, incest, exhibition or pornography without consent.

DUI or DWI Victim

These victims have special needs because there may be no logical rationalization for the victimization except for maybe being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Unlike a random act of violence, there is a definitive underlying cause of either driving under the influence or driving while intoxicated while piloting a 3,000 pound weapon. Victim may also include the driver operating a vehicle under the influence of alcohol or drugs, presenting a completely different set of emotional issues.

Human Trafficking

You might be surprised to know that human trafficking is alive and well in the USA. Often we associate human trafficking as something that only happens elsewhere.

Property Loss, Robbery, Theft, White-collar Crime

This is the most annoying type of crime for our judicial system… After all, “How would you feel if someone took something from you?” Of course the perpetrator wouldn’t like, it… but their answer is simply to re-steal it from someone else. Many thieves are psychopaths or sociopaths who have no conscious or regard for others; no social boundaries.

Usually these crimes are less violent and involve deception and manipulation to facilitate loss or injury but may have a violent influence by integrating a threat of violence (or presence of deadly weapon) in the con. May include identity theft, embezzlement or fraud whereby the perpetrator gains unfairly at the expense of the victim or arson.

Stalking

Stalking includes any unwanted contact between two persons and can occur at home, at work, or now even online. Thankfully, our judicial system has supported an effort to curtail stalking and has initiated laws to protect you from stalking and cyber-stalking.

Vulnerable Adults

Some adults, who are advanced in age or may have a physical or mental dysfunction or disability, may be more susceptible to becoming a victim of any crime. Realizing this, our government has passed new laws that offer protection and more severe penalties for defending the rights of vulnerable adults.

Elder abuse and fraud falls under this category also.

Homicide Survivors

Friends, relatives and loved-ones of murder victims often suffer emotionally and the grief from underlying unresolved issues can be debilitating.

This brief list is not by any means complete, but gives you the idea of the types of crime victims that can be overcome to stop the victimization, cessation of continued pain and discomfort and moving on victoriously in a positive manner.

Victims of crime can suffer from a variety of physical and emotional pain. Examples of issues of victims commonly addressed I have encountered with clients include:

  • financial exploitation of the elderly fraud theft crime victimsLoss of sense of security and/or fearfulness
  • Ruminating or the re-playing of the event or circumstances ad nauseam
  •  Haunted by dreams, nightmares or sleep depravation
  • Social withdrawal or detachment
  • Internalization, guilt or self-blame
  • Memory of concentration dysfunction
  • Poor self-image, helplessness
  • Bleak future outlook
  • Lack of trust

Know that you are not alone. There are specialists experienced in dealing with victims who struggle with these symptoms of crime victimization, and are well-equipped to help you deal with these and many other issues that you might be struggling with.

Review your recovery options and put you back in control of your life.