Your Emotional Electric Fence

Ever wonder why you take everything so personally?

Why does something someone else says or does seem to get you agitated, upset, angry, sad, hurt your feelings or have a tendency to make you feel bad?

Do you ever find yourself wondering,

“What is wrong with these people?”

The more sensitive your personality type, the more severe the negative impact on your state of mind and the greater your propensity to feel bad, maybe even to the point of becoming physically sick.

All these are indications that you might be taking things too personally, leaving you wondering,

“Is there is a better way, a higher vibration that could help to mitigate the damages of how I feel about what other people do or say?”

emotional electric fence taking things too personally keep off defense
Your emotional electric fence can have you taking things too personally. Keep off defense.

First off, you must be able to wrap your mind around the idea that you are the master of your own life, and you get to choose how you feel. I know this may sound like a stretch at the moment, but bear with me and follow along…

You have the power, complete control, about what you feel about what others say and do. When you allow someone else to make you experience negative feelings about someone else, you give your power away to that person, submissively taking on the role of the victim.

What can you do when what someone says or does makes you feel like you’ve been (mentally or physically) assaulted?

Do what any reasonable warrior would do when attacked, as quickly as possible, assess your attacker (Who is this person? Is this someone whom you have a long-term relationship with?), and the potential threat (Do you fear consequences for disagreeing, challenging or not going along with him/her/them?).

Have you made compromises in the past to appease them, and then felt as though you suffered by not being true to yourself or your integrity?

Are you experiencing more inner turmoil or drama for appeasing, giving in, or going along with whatever they want just in an effort to keep the peace?

Is the value this person brings to your life great enough to outweigh any respect for yourself that you may be sacrificing in an effort to keep this person in your world?

If you are reacting to something someone has said or done negatively, you are clearly looking at it from your own perspective, as if this person attacked you and you are faced with the same emotional impact had this person slapped you across the face, or hit you with a stick. You post up, ready for a fight, and immediately defend yourself or counter attack to make things worse.

You’ve made a snap judgment based on your sense of right or wrong, or metaphorically surrounded yourself with an electric fence that sets off an alarm when someone approaches certain locations. And maintaining this emotional fence is far more important than anything the other person might be going through, because you’ve totally rejected there being any other point of view. You haven’t given a thought to what the other person might be thinking, seeing, responding or reacting to.

You’re expending a great deal of emotional effort to maintain your emotional electric fence, you could be in a constant state of defensive awareness, watching all your monitors in your control booth waiting for any breach that might trigger your fence. What if it’s not about you?

What’s it like to be in his or her skin? Where is this coming from? What is the meaning or purpose behind the manner in which they are expressing themselves? Do they express themselves in this matter to other people, too, or just you?

Maybe this person does not have communication skills as good as yours. Maybe this person has lived a life where he or she thinks that this specific method of delivery is the only way for their voice to be heard. Is it possible that they are overcompensating for low self esteem, or have problems with interpreting or setting boundaries?

It’s hard, if not impossible, to imagine or know what has happened in this person’s life that makes him/her react or try to communicate in this fashion.

Your propensity to fire off a warning shot when someone approaches your emotional electric fence is an indication that your vantage point is too close to the fence. You need a little more room between you and your fence to give you that brief second to evaluate the situation at hand without having to react first.

You have certain sections of your fence which are more sensitive than others; be aware of them, and put a little more space for reaction time between those areas.

In the place of time and space which you’ve created between you and your emotional electric fence, take that time to assess the situation and circumstances before you react. This can have a huge effect on your initial reaction and can lead to a more positive outcome.

Resisting your initial reaction to be defensive or launch a counter-attack, as gently as possible, assert your need to understand what the other person is trying to say. Give them the space to state their case. As you listen to them, try to imagine what it must like to be in their shoes, maybe look at what might be underneath or behind the words they are saying, to try to better understand not only what they are trying to communicate, but who they are.

If you have felt as though they were being mean, disrespectful or vicious, feel free to let them know, and encourage them to try a different approach the next time. They may have no idea of your sensitivities toward certain methods of delivery. It is possible that this is the only way they know how to express themselves. In this way, you might be able to help them look at and evaluate their own tactics and maybe make some necessary adjustments.

In the event that you are unable to establish a mutually beneficial communication style, it may be time to limit exposure to this person or separate yourself from him or her altogether.

This is your life, and you never have to subject yourself to potential abuse; and only you can determine what this means to you.

You are the master of your own life, and you get to choose how you feel.

How Do You Feel About Things?

How you feel about things in life greatly influences your general state of mind. For the most part, how you feel about things dictates what kind of life you will live, how healthy you will be and how long you will live. Mental and physiological health is keenly attuned to how you feel. The people who have control of how they feel about things, maintaining a more positive outlook, experience a more stable emotional vibration allowing them to have more happiness, good health, love and longevity.

If you are actively taking responsibility for living a better life, you are looking at your mind/body/spirit dynamics and taking care to optimize your life and lifestyle. You’re more conscious about what your relationship with your body is like and you’re more attentive of the food you eat, maybe you’re exercising more, spending more time with Mother Nature, you are taking a more proactive approach to how you conduct your life, but are you making the effort to control how you feel?

A healthy holistic lifestyle includes influencing, taking more personal responsibility and being conscious about your intellectual and social health, physical health and the health of your emotional state. How you feel about things, your emotional state, greatly influences the health of all the other areas of your life.

Life brings you a great deal of opportunities to negatively influence how you feel about things. There are our familial and social relationships and interactions with other people with whom we do not maintain a relationship as life goes on all around us. Other opportunities to affect how you feel include your vocation, finances, your health status, concern about your community, and the world at large.

If you are to get a grip on how you feel about things that are presenting themselves to your awareness, you are more proactive about taking responsibility for what you are exposed to, if you are able.

The amount of stress you are exposed to can have a huge impact on how you feel, so managing stress is a key component in feeling better about life in general. Stress reduction should be of primary concern for establishing a better emotional state and by exposing yourself to fewer stressful situations, you will feel so much better about what life presents to you.

Many techniques are readily available to reduce, manage, or eliminate stress which is felt physiologically including meditation, breathing exercises, positive affirmations and visualization. Only you can determine what best suits your personal taste and resonates with you.

Eliminate media exposure to things that make you feel bad about life, the government or your safety. Most media comes packaged with an infectious negative vibration which affects how you feel about things. Consider turning off the TV, avoiding negative news and Internet feeds, by taking a media hiatus.

Guarding your thoughts to prevent you from focusing on things that are negative will go a long way in feeling better about life. Avoid negative self-talk, which leads to poor self esteem and diminishes confidence, making you feel helpless, if not hopeless, about your life.

Start reprogramming your mind positively. Get into a routine of reciting positive affirmations, and honoring yourself by speaking words of kindness and love about you, who you are, how blessed you are, and how your life may be a blessing to others. As you retrain your mind to think more positively, you will feel better and your physiological health will also get much better. It is a fact of life.

Learning how to let go of negative emotions, like uncertainty, sadness or anger, is hugely beneficial because if you hold these feelings inside they deplete your immune system and you become more susceptible to failing health and disease.

Finding a confidant who you can trust and talk to, as well as writing out in a journal how you feel about things negatively in the past as well as in the present, or even things that may be looming in the future, can be an effective key to releasing pent up negative emotions.

These practices in self-care will make you feel better about living a better life:

  • Engage in stress reduction techniques
  • Eat food that nourishes your body and exercise
  • Wind down and calm yourself for a good night’s sleep every night
  • Limit or eliminate exposure to negative news and media
  • Don’t put off dealing with issues you face in life
  • Practice positive and loving self-talk
  • Do something fun, that you like, every day

And forgive yourself for everything, for after all, you are doing the best you can with what you have.

Big Boys Don’t Cry But They Should

Young boys are programmed not to show emotion as they are growing up, and this programming has been so effective that by the time they are adults, they have become rather emotionally numb and passé about things that might cause them to experience negative emotions, primarily sadness, as it signifies a lack of strength or weakness. To shed a tear is to expose your vulnerabilities, which is undignified, so we train our young men by instilling the mantra, “Big boys don’t cry.” And, for the most part, they comply.

The men in our world, at least 80 percent of them, don’t cry. They bottle up their sadness and lock it away inside to exude more strength, which is a virtue sought after by the opposing sex. This primal instinct makes men more appealing to women, who instinctively are attracted to signs of strength in a potential mate. This instinct hearkens back to a time in the early dawn of man and persisted until about a hundred years ago.

What happens when men withhold tears for years and possibly for a lifetime?

It’s no surprise that men who hide their emotions and pack them down into deep recesses of their mind are potentially walking powder kegs, that could explode at any moment, and many of them do. The explosive nature may express itself in extraordinary fits of rage, which can fuel a soldier to commit honorable acts of violence or create a domestic violence offender. To mitigate the growing pressure, these men may seek refuge in alcoholism or drug abuse to stave off pent up emotional outbursts.

Not crying comes at a great emotional cost and generally results in a shorter lifespan. Human beings who cry occasionally, live longer than their dry-eyed contemporaries.

In contrast to men, women cry more often and live longer than their male counterparts, but if they cry too much, they may find themselves at risk of being diagnosed with any of many neuroses, while women who do not cry might be considered as suffering from alexithymia.

Holding back one’s tears can be likened to willfully and slowly ingesting poison which will result in death, though abstaining from crying can be advantageous, especially in times of crisis. In emergent situations putting off the onset of tears can be hugely beneficial in crisis management and in such professions as military service and law enforcement. In these cases, an emotional release should be encouraged following the sounding of “all clear” or cessation of the crisis.

Refusing to cry and continuing to bottle up your emotions causes stress on the entire biological system and leads to a greater risk of heart disease and premature deterioration of brain function and health. Not crying will also make you more irritable and vulnerable to headaches, high blood pressure, and depression.

Crying is a good thing

The shedding of tears is an essential part of dealing with the wide variety of emotions that we all are blessed with. The ability to cry due to emotional triggers is what separates us from the other lifeforms on this planet, it is an exclusive human gift to be revered. Tears can be an important tool in processing excessive emotions and are likely to appear (if you allow them to be released) in both times of extreme emotional pain or happiness. The enormous outpouring of emotions such as love, compassion, reverent appreciation, or loss can also trigger a tearful emotional release promoting better mental and physical health and well-being.

Even though societal constraints or upbringing may make a tearful expression seem uncomfortable or awkward, nothing could be better for you psychologically and physiologically. Crying is an effective transitional response between emotional overwhelm and a sense of calm, or peace, following a good cry.

Crying allows the release of pent up emotional storages, which are harmful to us as tears release toxins in the body, leading to better health and longevity.

Maybe it’s time you let a tear or two fall, or enjoy a thorough release and let all those emotions careen down your face. It’s okay.

Big Boys Should Cry

and you are blessed if you can.