Fear Disguised as Compassion

How many times has someone rained on your parade or tried to put the kibosh on your idea(s) or squash your dreams? It happens all the time, and usually includes, “I care about you so much,” or, “I’m just looking out for your best interests,” but it’s really only fear disguised as compassion.

They don’t really care about you, or else they’d be more supportive. Okay, that was harsh, maybe they do care about you, but they’ve let their fear override taking the higher road of loving and supporting you to achieve your highest and best.

Let’s face it, most people are governed by fear. It’s the way we’ve been taught to live life on this planet, in a constant state of fear. Fear from the government or the police, fear of not being accepted by others or doing good enough. This is how we are easily controlled and herded like sheep, in a constant state of fear… and if things get too good or comfortable, look out. Because something very frightening is about to happen to make sure you’re slapped back into the state of fear.

We project these fear(s) onto the people we supposedly care about and we do our best to cover it up to make it look like compassion, like we care so much about whoever it is we’re “trying to protect,” when really, we’re projecting our own fear onto him or her.

Maybe you’ve done this (I know I have). When my brother was deciding to make a particular life choice that would have huge impact on the remainder of his life, I did my best to dissuade him from pursuing this path, and to me, it really felt like compassion, or more, like I was trying to save him from making the most tragic decision of his life.

Why? Because I was truly afraid for him (but not really). The truth was, I had made a similar choice early on in my life, with hugely less than desirable results. I did not want the same thing to happen to him. But guess what? I wasn’t him.

He maintained his position and stayed true to what he felt was his calling and became hugely successful following this endeavor. In retrospect, I can look back and see, my compassionate concern had little or nothing to do with my brother’s decision and everything to do with my fear based on my experience. Nothing to do with my brother and everything to do with me.

Since then, I’ve realized that we’re all uniquely different and we all are doing the best we can with what we have. Two people can do exactly the same things, step-by-step, and have entirely different results. One could go through the experience with invaluable yet harsh lessons to be learned in preparation for his or her next phase of life, the other wildly successful.

Now, I am more cautious about cautioning others who are pursuing their dreams.

Since I’m in the dream business, I am constantly surrounded by people pursuing their dreams. So much so, that I am often surprised when I find myself in a public venue politely engaging in chit-chat and discover most people are not pursuing their dreams.

I forget, sometimes, that the rest of the world is so fearful, and they have given up on the hope that their dreams would ever come true, except for the hope of maybe winning the lottery, one day.

Most of them can recall a time when they were more optimistic about potential positive outcomes, had a dream, took a shot at it, and was either not supported, or failed, and just gave up on it, as if it was just some childish fantasy.

And as we know, misery loves company, so those who had a dream and walked away from it, fearing that it wouldn’t come true anyway, try to gather people “we care about” around us, and persuade them to feel the same way we do, in their best interests.

With the best intentions, we try to gently smash their dreams, because we fear they will suffer the same heartbreak that we did when we had a dream.

How dare we do that?

If you really cared about that person (you were trying to save from himself or herself) you would boldly support them in their pursuit of his or her dreams.

Shame on you (me, or anyone) for projecting my fear onto someone else.

Surely, you may share your experience with him or her, being careful not to communicate in any way that you might not be 100% supportive of their decision and effort to follow their dreams. Maybe you’re sharing your experience will help them avoid a potential pitfall as they go forward and seek to achieve their highest and best.

Therein is the redemption for your experience or failure. Every misstep or failure has a lesson in it. In most cases, the lesson is for you, but maybe, in this case, it was for that person who has raised the courage to go for their dream.

We all have our own individual paths to follow and journey to embark upon, celebrate those who have the drive to be true to themselves. Maybe they stumble and fall along the way. Support them, help them get up and back on their feet again. Be there for them, when they need a shoulder to lean on, but never say, “I told you so.” Instead, say,

“I love you and I will support you in whatever you decide to do, because I believe in you, and you will do what is right for you.”

If you really care about them, bless and support them for going for it no matter what.

Sometimes Things Don’t Go as Planned

You may be a doer (you know I love doers, happen to be one myself) and if you are, you may find yourself at risk of finding yourself in awkward situations resulting from your tendency to do a thing (rather than just sit around and talk about it, like other folks).

We all have to deal with fear of the unknown whenever encountering a new opportunity in uncharted territory. While some people allow this fear to overtake them, some of us rise to the challenge, muster up as much courage as possible and forge a new path through an unfamiliar terrain.

While many onlookers watch us in amazement doing things like nobody’s business, they are thinking or caught saying things, like

Wow, I wish I could do that

Or alternatively

Whoa, I’m glad that’s not me

Depending on the circumstance.

sometimes-things-dont-go-as-planned-swing-batter-batter-swing
Swing batter-batter, swing!

It’s not unlike a batting average. You have to swing at a lot of balls to hit a few out’a the park. The more you swing, the more you are going to totally miss. Some will be good base hits, and a few will be home runs.

Regardless of your confidence level, if you keep swinging, your chances are you will do one of two things

You will achieve a level of success or competence

Or

You will learn something and do things differently next time

Of course, there will be those who will internalize the circumstance, fueled with self-doubt will bail out of the game altogether; never to play again because they believe they were better off not having tried at all.

Nonetheless, there are those moments when things do tend to get awkward, or embarrassing. Not just in business, as we tend to apply these very same stormtrooper methods to other areas of life also.

All the while, our friends continue to look on in amazement, uttering those very same lines, “Wow, I wish I could do that,” or, “Whoa, I’m glad that’s not me.”

Being the doer that I am, I have a laundry list of faux pas that could fuel a career as a stand-up comic, though I remain focused on my personal mission and message. So, I’m more likely to find myself staying on track, rather than try my muster at the local comedy club. But, it is great fun and entertainment to swap stories with other doers who have similar tales to tell.

Although, I’m tempted to relate a few of those stories here for your amusement, I don’t really see any value in memorializing the most awkward or embarrassing moments of my personal and/or professional life. Suffice it to say, that no one who is gathering enough courage to go where no man has gone before (or, at least where the individual has never been before) is likely to do so without dealing with challenges, obstacles or unforeseen occurrences, only to find themselves thinking, “Well,

“That’s not the way I planned it.”

How could anyone have known?

Okay, maybe a little more due diligence may have avoided this or that. Maybe a better background check might have been warranted. Maybe projections were off, finances could have been handled better, packaging or branding should have received more attention, and what is it they say about location, location, location?

The list goes on and on… because hindsight is always 20/20. And this is how we learn.

Sometimes all the education, practicing and planning in the world cannot adequately prepare you for that moment, when you’re staring down the pitcher, noting the position of all the other players on the field. Bases are loaded as you wind-up… It all comes down to this.

Crack!

That ball travelling at 80 MPH lands smack dab in the pitcher’s mitt.

It happens.

Just as Tennyson wrote, “Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all,”

it-is-better-to-have-tried-and-failed-than-never-to-have-tried-at-all

It is better to have tried and failed, than never to have tried at all.

This is the most common regret of those approaching this life’s exit point: “If only I’d…”

Don’t let this be you.

Dare to do that thing, and…

Don’t quit.

Fear of Failure

I work with people every day (and have every day of my adult life) who second-guess themselves. Even you, reading these words right now; you have a dream… Something you want so bad you can taste it… but something keeps you from reaching out to grab what is already yours.

Fear of failure

I can tell you, right now, the only thing that is holding you back is fear of failure (atychiphobia). Fear of failure is the reason that most people (19 out of 20) do not pursue what is rightfully theirs.

Why do I boldly say, “what is rightfully yours?” Because Thought is Precognitive. That is to say, if you have the idea, you have the right to see its fulfillment; if you can overcome your fear and take action.

Certainly there are many methods to overcome fear and build courage, just as Uncle Albert (Einstein) is quoted as saying, “A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.” Which means that you must be willing and able to do what needs to be done, even if it’s not perfect or may fail altogether, to get what you want.

You learn far more from a strikeout than a home run. Innovation (doing something that has never been done before) comes from trying something in a way that might not work (so, there is some element of risk).

You must be willing to

#1 Take Action

and to do so, even if it means that you must

#2 Be Willing to Fail

Here are some things that can help to bridge the gap between the fear and the satisfaction that comes from doing the very thing that once intimidated you.

Visualize

Just like Edison’s light bulb (he saw it in his mind’s eye as being already completed) and after many attempts (1,000) the light bulb became a reality. You must visualize before you materialize. So, make a vision board, and utilize the gift of your imagination to see it in its completion, as if it is already done.

Dig Down

Sometimes its good to spend some time introspectively to see if you can uncover those things that exist inside of you that may be impeding your progress. Keep in mind, the deeper you dig, you could discover programming that goes all the way back to your earliest childhood. When you uncover these nasty weeds that are choking out your potential harvest, pull them out – roots and all. You may realize, when you find them, that they were silly in the first place, yet served their purpose to give you a sense of safety and security in those formulative years.

Create a Map

Make a map delineating where you are and where you want to be (your completed goal). Make sure to note all the towns you must go through (smaller goals or milestones between here and there) on the way to your destination. The more mile markers you can pass between here and there, the closer you are to what you want.

Remove the Fear

If you’re still feeling the fear, embrace it, then eliminate its emotional impact. Using your imagination, increase your fear, hesitation and anxiety to as high a level as you possibly can, then use the Penny for Your Thoughts routine to remove the emotional component.

What if I Fail?

Fail Forward

Stop looking at “failure” as failures. Look at them as stepping-stones, but give them all the honor and value they deserve. For instance, ask yourself these questions:

#1 What was the blessing?

Sometimes the interruption of your progress, changes your direction to something far better, other times (though you may only realize it later) you were able to circumvent a potential catastrophe. See the blessing.

#2 What did I learn?

You can learn far more from a failed attempt than a wildly successful endeavor that comes easily. Look for the Return On Failure. What were the (sometimes hidden) secrets that you now possess, having not succeeded in the manner that you anticipated?

#3 How can I do it better?

Armed with the knowledge of potential pitfalls (due to your own personal experience) what can you do the next go-round to make sure that the same outcome does not repeat itself.

Sometimes people ask me what I am afraid of? Regardless, I push-through to

Be Willing to Make Mistakes

I like to say,

“I make mistakes but I don’t make the same one twice.
I make new ones.”

This creates the necessary momentum to keep moving forward.