Disrespect and Hurt Feelings in Relationships

Have you ever found yourself laboring to explain to your special someone how they hurt your feelings or disrespected you?

As two people come together and get to know each other, it is reasonable to expect things will come up as an indication that the two of you don’t see eye to eye on a particular subject. In some cases, you may feel bad, disrespected, disregarded or betrayed, and depending on how a sensitive a person you are, you could be hurt badly.

But you’re getting to know this person, are developing feelings of attachment, and/or falling in love with this person. You fancy the idea of having him or her in your life enough to reach out to them in an effort to help them understand how you feel, which is a normal course of action in any relationship.

On your first attempt to explain yourself to someone, you expect to be heard and felt. Everyone is entitled to make mistakes, as you know you, too, probably have disrespected some one else, not on purpose but in a moment when you were busy, focused, distracted, or had lost track of time, etc… and hurt someone’s feelings unintentionally.

Or maybe we’re talking about crossing boundaries. When you’re in a relationship, you can expect to cover all the rules and boundaries that exist in your head and your heart in the beginning, and you just sort of assume that you’re both completely compatible based on how you feel about this person.

If you and your partner have healthy boundaries, of course, the best way to communicate your boundaries is to merely talk about them and establish a mutual respect about each other’s boundaries. The next best way to bring up your boundaries is when either one of you find yourself crossing the other’s boundaries.
This is a good time to communicate, establish and negotiate the honoring of the boundary in your relationship or to make amendments or accommodations for the boundary in question. Some boundaries protect us from physical or emotional pain, but may change over time, the less we need them and as we continue to grow emotionally, while some may remain non-negotiable.

Okay, so someone’s crossed the line, and your feelings were hurt. You were considerate enough to explain the situation to your partner, and he or she herd you, respected you, apologized and agreed to take your feeling into consideration, should the same set of circumstances appear once again. And in a perfect world, in an adult relationship between to people who care about each other this is the highest and best approach and outcome.

But what if it happens again?

Even though you felt like the two of you were perfectly clear and in agreement, now, you’re second-guessing, wondering if your initial expression was misunderstood, maybe you didn’t make yourself clear enough and it may be reasonable to talk about this particular situation again.

So, this time, you’re explaining to your partner in greater detail, including much more stories, demonstrations, possibly including audio/visual tools, drawing charts, graphs, maps and using bullet lists (yes, this can go into outrageous extremes, depending on the one doing the communicating) to make sure there is no misunderstanding in the future.

If you feel like you’ve been heard and your partner has endured your presentation, thanked you for clearly expressing yourself, understanding the two of you are basically using a common language and level of understanding in respect and honor of your clearly expressed ideals, and he or she agrees to honor your perspective if face with similar circumstances in the future.
Well done.

That should do it.

If it doesn’t, and the same grievance comes up again, you can be relatively certain that something else is going on, here. You know you’re being heard. You’ve made every effort to establish rapport and understanding, yet here you are again.
This could feel like abuse, and anyone who knows you intimately, like your friends and family, might jump to that conclusion immediately, especially if you (or they) have had experience with a similar situation which did not fare well in the past.

The truth is, by this point, you can ascertain that this person is not going to change his or her thought or actions on this deal to accommodate you. You have to realize that this person is hard-wired this way and is never going to change for you.

Going back to the drawing board once again to try to explain yourself is fruitless. Nothing good could come from it, and your partner will only be going through the motions, agree to do or say anything you want to hear, but not really. They just want your grueling expression to stop, so they can get back to living their life.

Plus, you might be imposing abuse on your partner by badgering him or her endlessly about this particular subject. Just stop it. This could go on forever, and nothing good could come from that.

It’s not on you to expect to change your partner, just as you would not expect your partner to want you to change for him or her, although, some compromise along the way is reasonable, as long as it’s not too extreme.

Oh, you might think that if you love him or her enough, that they will realize one day that you were right all along, he or she instantly changes, as if being touched the a magic fairy’s wand, and the two of you will walk off into the sunset hand in hand in perfect harmony, with sparkles and butterflies all around.

The chances of that are pretty slim. So, at this point you have to ask yourself, “Can I live with this?” It’s on you at this point, not the other person. Some day this person might change due to their own personal growth and evolvement, but you have to know, this is the way it’s going to be, probably forever. Can you live with that?
If loosening up on a boundary here and there is acceptable to you, then think about changing the way you think about this particular situation, consider making a compromise. Keep in mind if you are making the majority of the compromises, this will likely not be in your best interest in the long run, and you’re likely going to resent or regret this later.

On the other hand, in the rarest of circumstances, both parties begin to grow and change in synergistic harmony, evolving together in a symphony of continued awareness and enlightenment. If each of their individual paths is harmonious with the other’s, this can be the bliss which we all seek in a long-term relationship.

Hit the Wall for a Change

Invariably when you’re in the process of growing and expanding into the higher version of yourself, your evolutionary process of you, and, “Wham!” You hit the wall.

Just when you least expected, here you are facing someone, something, some situation, circumstance, or even yourself in the mirror, and you ask, “How the hell did I get here?” (of all places).

Get ready for a rude awakening: This is for your highest and best, and this process will lead you to change. Yes you. Even if it looks like it has nothing to do with you, moving past this obstacle will take a change, maybe outside yourself, but you will have to change first before you can change anything outside of you.

If you can wrap your head around that whenever you find yourself up against any obstacle, seek what you can change inside first, then seek to deal with the whatever it is head on, you are so far ahead of the game.

Obstacles which interrupt our flow are indicators that we have something within that needs tending to, even if it’s not specifically associated with this obstacle. It may be to equip you with a skill to prepare you for something else further down the road.

What? Me change?

Your belief system might be resistant to change. Say the words out loud, “It’s okay for me to change.” Check in with your feelings. How does it make you feel about the idea of embracing change?

It’s really no surprise really, it’s a part of your genetic, cellular memory that was firmly set in place generations ago, when change was dangerous. Survival was based on a strong sense of maintaining a small community, with staying in the same location, supported by the same people, doing, thinking and being pretty much the same. Straying and exerting individuality could lead to loss of health and/or one’s life.

Things have changed and your changing leads to your expansion and evolution into the highest and best version of yourself.

Try being open to the idea of change, even embracing it. All it takes is a little allowing. Change doesn’t have to be forcible. I mean, if you aren’t open to change, you will still be susceptible to it, when it is forced upon you. If you think about it, you know it’s true.

Grounding yourself in a solid place where you are open, allowing change, receiving all the good things, including lessons waiting to be revealed to you, is so much better than fighting for your right to resist.

Think about what allowing change might look like. It can look like allowing people or things to leave your life, including ideals, thoughts and feelings about the past and the things associated with them. You can also allow new things to be revealed and come into your life.

You can allow yourself to want things you may have never wanted before. You can allow yourself to try something new, create something, or think differently. Allow the letting go or ideas or things you held onto tightly in the past and allow new thoughts and things pour over you, like a gentle rain.

You’re open to new possibilities, even if superficial, such as a change of shampoo, hair color, career, even relocation.

A deeper sense of change is initiated by the heart. Heart-felt change is powered by love. This is the most meaningful moment of change, a paradigm shift.

So, think about it…

What change is on the horizon for you?

It very likely holds the keys to unlock many doors.

You ready?

Ch ch ch Changes

I tend to get excited when I see people changing, reaching out and experiencing new life.

In the last few weeks, I’ve noticed trends in the changes expansion explorers are making in their lives who are making the world a better place. If you’re on a similar journey, you may find yourself:

You are okay with who you are and don’t have anything to prove to anyone else. You can be honest and open about who you are, where you have been and where you are going. You have a sense peace of your own personage and have no need to misrepresent yourself on social media or among friends or relatives. In comparison others with low self esteem feel compelled to create false identities, boast, consider themselves better than those less fortunate, or put other people down. These folks can actually begin to lose touch with reality. On the other hand, you are content with yourself and find your place within the world without having to participate in false witness of self.

You are finding more ways to feel and express gratitude as you are more appreciative of the simple things, and thankful each new day, for the people who are in our life, the opportunities that reveal themselves to you, and where you live. You experience an increasing sense of joy about the things in your life and the life that you live.

You are concerned less with the dark unknown of a foreboding future, while others are more apt to spend a great deal of time worrying about what may happen. You are finding more ways to live in the present, in the moment we call, “now.” You are not afraid of what the future holds. You don’t take the idea to the extreme, by doing nothing. Instead you make plans for a better future and take action to build a momentum leading to a better tomorrow and an increasingly better world.

You don’t feel a need or concern about what is outside of your control and accept responsibility for controlling waht you can and the the rest go. After all, life is what it is, stuff happens, and we’re all doing the best we can with what we have,

Instead of dreading what may be luring in the wings, you find yourself anticipating good things, and as you do you find more joyous surprises and opportunities appearing in your life.

You’re more likely to take a risk to do something good, help make your local community a better place or even the world. If your initial efforts are not successful, you are not dissuaded and ready yourself for another attempt to make the world a better place.

You are more gentle and kind than you may have been before. You are more empathetic and able to see things from the perspective of others, are able to imagine what it might be like to be wearing someone else’s shoes, or even to have lived their life. And you are more inclined to offer to lend a helping hand to others in need.

You are more inclusive in your approach to life and are more often inclined to say, “Yes,” to new ideas and new opportunities. If you do not have the inclination to get out more, or huddle up on the sofa or plugged into the Internet, you might try spreading your wings and getting out to attend a meeting just to change up your exposure in your environment, you are finding new ways to integrate or participate by exploring new activities in unfamiliar locations. You may be surprised at how fun this can be, plus you’ll make new connections which can be extremely beneficial.

Interconnection with other people takes on new meaning as you are moving away from the need to defend yourself and exit the struggle for survival in favor of allowing yourself to flow. This enables you to have more meaningful relationships with others as love continues to grow and flow. This new perspective makes you feel more alive and able to love and accept others, and things, the way they are.

You are in less need of the approval of others as you realize that you are not living your life for their approval. You are less attracted to people who are not open, honest, empathetic or genuine, as the drama queens drift away.

You find you are far less judgmental than before as you are embracing tolerance, loving others, allowing them to be, and make their own way. You find yourself less apt to judge someone based on their appearance, the car they drive, the shoes they wear, or their facebook photo as the ability to see each individual’s innate beauty becomes more apparent.

You are no longer looking for a fight, to defend what you believe or force someone to prove their position on anything they feel is important, without disconnecting. You see the value in everyone’s need to believe. realize that all journeys are different, and honor their right to believe whatever it is in whatever way they need to.

Even when you get caught up in the rat race, which is easy to do, you become more and more able to step back, look at things from a new perspective and trade anxiety for a sense of peace.

You find yourself living a better life without regret or having to compare your life to anyone else’s. You are living a life of love and in this livingness you realize that you have found your genuine freedom and you are free indeed.

Just as you are less judgmental of others, you are finding that you are less likely to judge yourself too harshly. We all fall short, make mistakes and it’s okay, all part of the journey. Often what we learn from our missteps is far more valuable than we can see amidst our loss of balance… and we can keep moving forward, not allowing it to throw us out of the dance. We make it part of the routine.

You Spend resources (finances and time) more on experiences and less on material items. You are not dependent on adorning yourself with flashy, high fashion garments or baubles, nor are you easily impressed by compliments from competitive or jealous peers, rather you have a higher level of self esteem and would rather spend your resources on priceless experiences that create memories which could never be bought, sold or traded and are invaluable in comparison to materialistic pursuits.

Your dreams are taking on a new flavor as you realize that they need not be held afar off, out of reach, as you begin to reel them in for a closer look. You can now refine your dreams and choose to allow them to appear in this world, if you so desire. It may (or may not) be easy, but you are ready to take the action necessary to see our dreams come true.

You realize life is not a race and you allow yourself wiggle room along the way, giving yourself permission to take a sabbatical and reconnect whenever prudent, necessary, just to take a break or for the fun of it.

You are less likely to take things personally. You are no longer controlled, victimized or haunted by your past. You are now able to see your life ’til now, more as if you were reading an exciting novel, with all the good times, the bad and the unexpected plot twists, which make it all the more exciting.