“I need your help. What should I do?
“My boyfriend keeps challenging everything I say. I feel like I’m being interrogated all the time. Always feeling like I’m being accused of lying, and every time he asks me for personal information. I answer him generally, which would satisfy anyone else I know. Then he asks me for more details and tells me to prove it.
“I feel like I’m always getting the third degree, having to explain myself in explicit detail about personal details of my life is very intimidating. I am exhausted and confused. As he keeps pounding me for more details of sensitive subjects and keeps demanding I provide him with proof and documentation.
“If I try to avoid submitting to his demands, he accuses me of hiding something. When I ask him why I would lie to him? He says he never accused me of lying, which is true because he’s never used the word. Still, it feels like he’s constantly accusing me of lying, even though he never used the word.
“I think he is a good person. I think I love him, but I’ve never been treated like this before. What should I do?”
Signed, “Dazed and Confused.”
First off, “boyfriend” signifies a romantic relationship and as you say, “I think I love him.” If your foundation is built on love, a key ingredient of love is trust and it goes both ways. Without trust, there can be no love. Not knowing all the details of your relationship, at first glance, I think I could confidently assume, at the very least, your boyfriend does not trust you.
Since you can never know what’s going on inside someone’s head, one could only speculate why your boyfriend might feel the need to submit you to this kind of psychological pressure.
There is a full spectrum of possibilities which range from insecurity to psychopathy.
In lieu of seeking out a professional or relationship coach to dig deeper into your boyfriend’s need to treat you like this, you might want to ask yourself if this really is the kind of person you might like to spend the rest of your life with?
Not that anyone is suggesting that you think about marrying this person, but you have to ask yourself why you might let him treat you like this?
I think most people would agree this would not be considered as “normal” behavior, although as society becomes more digitally accessible, it is becoming normal to perform a Google search on a prospective mate, and maybe even do an electronic background check before getting too serious.
If you’re looking at cohabitating or getting married, I would suggest a full financial disclosure before intermingling financial affairs.
When you feel like you’re being intimidated or interrogated, you have to decide for yourself if this is a healthy way for someone to treat you. You’re the only one who can determine whether this is appropriate for you, or not.
This is why we date people, to get to know them better. There’s a good chance that people show you the kind of person they are at the beginning of the relationship, in the “getting to know you” stage. There is a tendency to overlook such things as we are overwhelmed by the possibly achieving a true love romance.
Fortunately for you, you have the keen sense of awareness to see your boyfriend’s inquisitive nature, without being blinded by your desire to find true love.
You might also ask yourself, “Can I trust him with all the intimate details of my life?” before you reveal any more. Is he telling his friends about your answers? Is he talking behind your back, or acquiring data to be used against you later?
It’s up to you to decide what is best for you, and while there are many options available to you, you can relax enough to assure yourself that all these things work out for your best interests. Whatever you decide to do, or not do, with this man will be right for you.
Interacting with someone places you in a vulnerable position, which indicates your willingness and ability to love. For this, you can be applauded.
There is no one-way to be, and there are too many variables to come up with a hard-and-fast concrete set of rules which can be applied to every situation because when it comes down to it, we’re all different and people are not statistics.
Your boyfriend might not be ready, or able, to enter into a truly loving relationship at this time.
Know that there is nothing wrong with you. You are not broken.
My wish for you is that you find all the love you are looking for.
Any Other Advise for Dazed?