Forgiveness is the Key

You are the result of a lifetime of abuse and victimization from the sound of your first cry for life until today, you have survived and endured judgment, false accusations, injustice, betrayal, abuse, and trauma. It’s a wonder you’ve made it this far at all.

You are a bundle of emotional wounds and garbage you’ve collected over the course of your life, which explains a lot about who you are and how you respond to the world around you. After all, nobody knows better than you, that you’re the only person you can count on to look after you. This is your primary objective.

You surround yourself with emotional tripwires and landmines to protect yourself and you try to keep all those emotional wounds hidden and suppressed, which is the highest level of self-abuse. All that unresolved trauma compromises your immune system, promotes premature aging, makes you more prone to sickness and disease. If that weren’t enough, is also keeping you separated from all the best things in life.

The fortress you’ve built to protect yourself is nearly impenetrable. You might applaud yourself for doing such a good job of protecting yourself. From inside your fortress you feel safe but if you could see from a higher perspective, you could see you have sentenced yourself to a life in prison of your own making.

Forgiveness is the Key

Forgiveness is the key to unlock every level of containment you’ve subjected yourself to.

There’s no denying the multitude of transgressions you’ve endured. The wounds run so very deep. Your pain, fear, and the repressed anger from the grudges you maintain are weapons of those who hurt you in the first place. They continue to hurt and abuse you every moment that you harbor unforgiveness.

The first thought which you might consider would be to ask the question, “Why would I forgive someone for doing that to me?” and you might rather see them punished for what they did, but contemplating retribution is another way the victimizer continues to have power over his or her victim.

Not only are you a victim of your abuser but you subject yourself to continued self-abuse by second-guessing yourself, and feeling guilty, wondering how you could have let someone do that to you? Setting up emotional blockades and numbing your own emotions so that you can’t be hurt like that again.

Playing the part of the victim does offer you emotional support from others who might feel sorry for you, which helps to ease the pain, but it also cements your position in being continually victimized by your abuser.

Forgiveness Can Set You Free

Forgiveness starts with you. You must forgive yourself first. You are not responsible for any of the emotional pain you’ve endured. You never deserved to be disrespected, mistreated, or abused. You were innocent. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time, or maybe you suffered the abuse because you were strong enough to take it, like a shock absorber, sparing someone else who could not have survived the abuse.

You cannot control what other people do. You are only in control of your own life and forgiving yourself, absolving yourself from any sense of wrongdoing or deservedness is implicit.

Forgive Them

You are not required to face or confront your aggressor(s), all you need to do is to realize that these people were only doing the best they could with what they had at the time. Just as you were only doing the best you could with what you had at that time.

You might even offer up a little empathy, that had you lived that person’s life, you might have committed the same atrocities.

Forgive them. Forgiving them is not about them at all, it’s more about you forgiving them so that you can go on with your life without them continually exerting additional abuse to you over time.

Your forgiveness is complete, when you can look back at the episode without pain, guilt, or anger, and can truly hope that he or she finds his or her own way to claim a better life for themselves in love, without having to strike out at others anymore.

You can learn the lessons from your past without having to carry around all that emotional baggage. No need to seclude yourself deep within your fortress.

You can be free, and forgiveness is the key.

Related: Forgiveness Ain’t Easy, Let Go of Unforgiveness, True Forgiveness, Unforgiveness or Forgiveness

When Someone Judges You

When someone judges you, you feel slighted or are offended. Thankfully, for the most part, you have no idea how often you are judged by you, what they say behind your back, what they think or judgments they make about you which are rarely, if ever, spoken.

When you become aware that someone has assumed something about you which is not true based on some small detail which you thought was innocuous, but to them it triggered a whole lifetime of living, tracking information, categorization, and complicated belief and protective emotional and rational processing.

Often people come to quick conclusions based on their observations and perceptions so as to save valuable time in a fast-paced world, and as our world gets more and more fast-paced we assume and categorize more just because we don’t have the contact with people which would be required to really get to know someone.

People judge you because they don’t know you, who you really are, and because they lack self-confidence, feel threatened by you, or are preoccupied with fear.

When someone judges you, it is unfair and doesn’t adequately represent how you feel, what you do, or who you are no one would blame you for getting upset, angry, or having your feelings hurt when someone judges you.

What do you do when someone judges you unjustly?

Try not to take it personally.

I know that sounds like a tall order because how could you not take what someone thinks or says about you personally? I mean, it’s about you, right? How much more personal does it get?

Before you get defensive, you might consider that the person who has judged you prematurely, incorrectly, or unjustly may be doing so with very little regard for you.

When someone judges you, they do so based on their own lifetime of experience. The use of one word or phrase, a particular style of apparel or makeup, your choice of material goods or services, the way you walk or look at someone, even your tone of voice and the way you breathe. Any or all these things (and many more) can trigger a whole subroutine spanning years of collected data connected to someone’s negative past, and you are judged.

Let’s face it no one knows you better than you and if you could cut yourself, and your judge, a little slack, for certain there is no way that the person who has judged you could possibly know everything about you which would prove the injustice of his or her judgment based on very little real data.

You are offended, and you recoil from someone’s brash assumptions about something that couldn’t be further from the truth, and you feel like defending yourself or feel the inclination to give them a piece of their own medicine and spend time analyzing and judging the person who has judged you.

If you were honest with yourself, you could admit that you also have a propensity to judge others prematurely. We all do it to varying degrees. It is part and parcel of the human condition.

Thousands of years ago sage advice was handed down to us to, “Judge not lest ye be judged,” and, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Indicators that this cycle of judgment of others and separating ourselves from others based on appearances or assumptions has been going on for a long time.

When someone judges you, it feels like abuse, and in many cases, it could be viewed as abusive behavior. This judgmental cycle of abuse could be stopped if more people would stop projecting their own perceptions onto others, though this would be not easy undertaking.

Nonetheless, there is a change taking place, and others are starting to exercise concerted efforts not to judge others, and you could be one of them.

Plus, the law of attraction is at play here, for when you judge others, you attract more judgment from others.

You could try not to judge others because you don’t like being judged by others. You can take the high road and set a good example of how we can better respect each other in a world that is spinning out of control.

The next time someone judges you, remember their assumption have very little to do with you, it is more based on his or her own fear, anger, or insecurities, for if they were more motivated by love, they might be more understanding of you and others.

Love, authentic love, doesn’t judge. Love seeks to understand, is empathetic, and compassionate.

Love is good, kind, and realizes that we, all of us, are simply doing the best we can with what we have, and offers others the same rights and privileges, that we might like to have for ourselves.

Just the Same Only Different

Different people do things for different reasons. Sometimes they do the same things for very different reasons, so we (especially those in the help professions) have to be careful about stating anything affirmatively as being true 100% of the time because the truth of the matter is that nothing is true 100% of the time (or at least, very little).

One person might do something or display a certain characteristic, while another might do exactly the same thing only for very different reasons. Just the same, only different.

One person might hang up the phone in the middle of a heated conversation defensively because they are fearful that they might say something in their defense which might hurt the other person’s feelings, make matters worse, or utter something they think they might regret later. Another person might hang up the phone in the middle of a heated conversation as an act of aggression, purposefully with the intent of making the other person enraged. Just the same, only different.

In Star Wars Episode 8, Luke Skywalker and Ben Solo tell the same story very differently. Each one from their own perspective, each one being truthful based on their own experience and understanding. Just the same, only different.

For instance, I spend a little of my time helping victims of psychopaths because I know what they’re going through. Even though this type of work does not resonate well with the rest of my work, I do a little of it out of reverence for my own experience and my empathy for others having to deal with this kind of tragedy.

So, I have put out a book, put up a website, and created a video in an attempt to help these people as much as I can. One of the ways I try to help victims of psychopaths and potential victims is by trying to help them to detect a potential psychopath early on, so I list six characteristics that can help someone identify a potential psychopath quickly and easily in a brief 10-minute video in an attempt to help as many people as I can as quickly as possible, without making it so complicated.

Of course, this is in no way an official diagnosis which would take a professional a great deal of time and study reviewing over 100 characteristics and behavioral expressions. It is what it is, a simple tool that is quick and easy to use.

As you know, if you put yourself out there to do anything good, haters will come out in droves to try to knock you down. Based on that 10-minute video, I have been attacked and ridiculed, but I don’t take it personal, nor do I take it too seriously. I am also more resilient and am for the most part unmoved by their attempts to hurt my feelings, so I am grateful to be their target, which might defer their inclination to attack someone else who might be devastated by such a virtual assault.

Thankfully, I get praised both by victims and potential victims for having the intention to help and put the information out there for them to find, far more frequently than I get put down by people who are just doing the best they can with what they have, as am I.

If I say (as I do in this brief video) that psychopaths are charismatic, it does not imply that anyone who is charismatic is a psychopath, nor does it imply that all psychopaths are charismatic, to assume so would be at the very least unwise.

No matter what human characteristic or action you are reviewing from your perspective, you cannot know what is, or was, actually going on at the time because you can never truly know what is going on inside another person’s head. It is just not possible. Even if the person in question desperately wants you to know what it was like to be him or her in that moment in time, no matter how they try to convey the totality of this information to you, you cannot really know.

Each one of us is very different, and there are personality traits that in general seem to accumulate around certain types of people but these are only generalizations, and they are not 100% accurate in all people at all times. These are only general observations over time, tracked and cataloged by people who are doing the best they can to help others.

People who help other people as part of their work, ministry, or in the answering of their calling, use these categorization techniques to try to ascertain how best to help someone in an analytical approach to whatever is challenging them at the particular time, without having to invest hours trying to uncover the complex backstory of a potential client or patient.

“I killed a man.”

This is a powerful statement, which at first blush evokes an emotional response and might have you thinking about the death penalty, an eye for an eye, or some other such notion. Nonetheless, many people might find themselves in a particular situation where such an act might be prudent, part of your job description, or even financed by a municipal, federal or other government agency.

Depending on not only the facts and circumstances surrounding the killing, but what was going on in the mind of the person who committed the act at the time, and ever since, can be very different than you might be able to conceive of from your perspective.

Of course, actions which we make, based on decisions that we make, in every step that we take of our life’s journey need not be tragic or life-changing and can range from littering or parking in a handicapped parking spot to cheating on a test or speeding on the interstate, all for reasons you and I could not possibly know unless you or I are the transgressor.

Still, if you witness such an act from your own perspective, it’s easy to jump to conclusions, make assumptions, or judge someone for doing something that you might feel would be against your own personal knowledge, convictions, or morals.

Like on Facebook, one person might want to post on their relationship status, “In a relationship,” because they’re engaged to be married, while the other partner has nothing on their relationship status because… well, who knows. And what difference does it make?

There’s no need to get yourself all worked up over someone else’s life. They (just like you and I) are just trying to do the best they can with what they have. It doesn’t make them a psychopath, sociopath, obsessive-compulsive megalomaniac with narcissistic tendencies or any other conclusion that you might jump to, it just doesn’t really matter, unless you are being attacked personally, then… maybe… some other steps might need to be taken.

But, if it’s just in the fantasy world of social media, try to take it for what it is. What you see there does not define you, nor anyone else. Just have fun with it and try not to let yourself get out of sorts over it.

Don’t let it get to you.

If someone says something crazy about you on the Internet, don’t pay it any attention. It’s not for real. If there is no foundation for it, do not dignify someone’s rant or attack with a response, even if it’s brought up to you in a real-life situation by an uninterested third-party.

Keep this in mind: If you don’t want to be judged, refrain from judging others.

It’s okay. There is much love here for you.

 

Kill Them All

When a megalomaniac doesn’t like the idea of other groups of people possessing opposing views, he or she might insist the dissidents be silenced with little regard to innocent casualties. “Kill them all!” was a swift and effective command of the Catholic Church during the Crusades for cleansing a geographic area of heretics. Trying to ascertain who might be Catholic or not in a targeted area was simply too time consuming and inefficient, so when the Pope was questioned about whether fellow Catholics might be killed in the attacks, he added, some form of, “God knows who are his,” to the command to kill them all.

Later, the phrase and similar basic idea was adopted by United States military special forces as, “Kill them all and let God sort them out.”

Similarly, the royal charge to silence dissidence, “Off with his head,” represents the most effective way to silence someone who is resistant to compliance, especially if the dissident has anything to say about it. This phrase was adopted by popular culture and is demanded by the Queen of Hearts in Carrol’s Alice in Wonderland.

Ever since Cain and Abel, when the human ego feels as though it has been slighted, disrespected, or has suffered an injustice, a swift killing is the most effective method of making things right.

Instantaneous death is admittedly the most effective way to silence someone who doesn’t think or believe like you do.

Your ego (my ego, all of our egos) wants others to think, believe, and feel the way it does, and the unrestrained ego expects and demands compliance. In fact, the unrestricted ego believes sudden death is suitable punishment for anyone (or anything) that gets in its way.

How early in life does this appear in life? Hang out and listen to an active playfield in at any grade school in the USA and you will hear at least one child whose ego has been the victim of an assault utter, “I will kill you,” or alternatively, “I hope you die,” or wishing sudden death visits one or more of his/her classmate(s).

While this may appear to be barbarian and you might like to think that we are too civilized these days to adopt such philosophies, assuming we are far more likely to suggest something more civil, like, “Lock him up and throw away the key,” because that is a far more enlightened response than suggesting someone lop his head off.

Yet, all the assertions of, “I am right,” and, “You are wrong,” and holding onto the expectation that anyone could truly align with someone else’s way of thinking is simply too far from logic to be conceived of. To kill, imprison, brainwash, or otherwise punish someone into compliance is not sustainable.

For instance, we, as a society, are imprisoning Americans at an increasing rate every year. In fact, if things don’t change and we keep incarcerating people at current increasing rates, in the next forty years, you will either be in prison or working for a prison. Unsustainable.

The courts maintain (much like the Pope during the Crusades) spending too much time, money, and effort to sort out the details is far more ineffective than making more rules and erring on the side of punishing innocents. In effect, “Jailing them all,” and let God figure it out.

This more civilized method of keeping our streets clean, and removing the free-thinking, non-compliant, poor, mentally-challenged, or undesirables from society seems to be a solution we all can live with. Or can we?

As the current human evolution continues, the more evolved or enlightened individuals realize that punishing people for not thinking the way we do is not the answer.

What is the answer?

What do you want people to know about you?

How we perceive ourselves and how others perceive who we are can be two different things. There is so much of our life that’s spend inside our heads and our hearts, we just assume that this information kind of bubbles over enough that people get a sense of who you are.

We tend to see ourselves in 3D, while others only see an outline, our shadows, a 2D silhouette at best, when in reality we are far more than could ever be conceived of or explained in 3D.

People do not see who you are as a person, they only have access to a limited amount of data, which they measure with their own prejudices to draw a conclusion about who they think you are.

It’s certainly not enough for people to know what you do for a living. Often we are judged and categorized by our jobs, or job titles, which hardly indicates who you are as a person, but nonetheless, once someone has learned about your career, they automatically associate certain attributes to you, and once they’ve done that they don’t really care to know who you really are because they’ve already made up their mind about who you are.

Concerning what you do for a living, even though others have an idea of your functioning roll in what you do, they have no idea why you do what you do, or for whose benefit. Far more than what you do, you are a complex variety of skills, strengths, expertise, gifts and special abilities, as well as having a unique purpose and message that makes you who you really are.

People who have a high degree of efficiency in delivering their personal array or their true identity are identifiable and unlikely to be lost among the mob, tribe or community where they reside. Other people get a sense that there is something different about them (if they only knew, there’s something different about all of us).

Starting with what you do, or your job title, stop letting others define you by your title. Instead of saying what your title is, or what you do, interject some unique details about you, because I guarantee, as much as you do the same thing that everyone else does in your job, what you do is unique, because you bring something to the color and flavor of what you do that no one else can duplicate.

In order to adequately present who you are to someone else, you need to have a good working knowledge of who you are. You may not give this much thought, because no one knows you better than you do, and you just take yourself for granted. But put it into words and write it on paper, who you are.

What are your skills, strengths, expertise, gifts, special abilities, purpose and message?

Write them down.

Once you have your list ask yourself, which of these things do I want other people to understand about me and who I am?

Now, you’ve got something to work with. There’s a good chance that more than half of the things on this final list of what you’d like others to have an idea about you, they have no clue.

Once you have this list it’s on you to do the work of finding ways to expose these important facets of your life, otherwise people will only know you by what they see on the surface, like “He’s a stock broker, who cracks people up with his jokes.” when you are so much more than a broker with a good sense of humor, but if that’s all they see, then to them, that’s all you are. Additionally, they have likely made judgment calls based on their person prejudices based on you’re being a stock broker as well.

So, it’s up to you to find ways to let the real you shine through, if you want people to see you for more than what you appear to be on the surface.
If you don’t want anyone to know anything about you, and you’re more comfortable keeping yourself a secret, there’s nothing wrong with that. In this case, you need to be true to you and protect yourself in any way you see fit. These recommendations are not for you.

The idea of publicly declaring and defining who you are as an individual is only for those of you who have a desire to present yourself individually to your peers, and to separate yourself from the pack, for whatever reason.

Don’t Judge a Book by Its Cover

We all know that things are not always as they appear, yet widely we still tend to base our opinion of another person based on a very small data sample. As much as we know that we don’t like people to judge us, reduce us to a structured personality profile, assume that we are a particular kind of cat or two-dimensional caricatures; still we tend to do this when exposed to another individual whom we might not know very well.

Our first impression of someone will influence and spin everything they say or do from that point forward to support our initial opinion or generalization of the kind of person this person may (or may not) be.

dont judge a book by its cover things arent always what they seem matchbook

In business, some of the best talent to support your organization comes from the least likely candidates. Often someone who does not interview well may bring the most significant impact to your organization. They might not look the part, dress fashionably or have the best social skills but what they bring to the table can far supersede your more trendy hires or associates.

Of course, we don’t just tend to judge people by their appearance in the sifting and sorting of the hiring process, we judge people based on our own impression of them in all areas of life.

There is the homeless person holding the “Will Work for Food” sign, we don’t think twice before making an immediate evaluation of this person, even though we do not have a clue who they are, what their position in life is, whether they are genuinely broke or not.

When we’re on the prowl for a potential mate, book covers enter the game again. This one’s not handsome/pretty enough, not tall enough, too short, bad taste in fragrance, shoes or jewelry. Then, of course, there’s the number one book cover, “What kind of car does he drive?”

Especially if we’ve been around the relationship venue for some time, we have a whole list of items to disqualify any potential suitor who might come our way, based on our own personal bias and experience.

In a supermarket, you could hear someone in line repeat a particular phrase that sets off all kinds of bells and whistles and you immediately jump to a conclusion about what kind of person this is based on a string of seven or eight words that triggered your psyches.

If you’re on the lookout for demons, you’re likely to find them everywhere you look.

It appears the most judgmental people of all can be found trolling the Internet looking for people to insult, degrade and humiliate.

I know someone who poured their heart out on Facebook (alright, inadvisable, nonetheless) this person was waylaid by an onslaught of vile accusations and ridicule. All from one transparent, honest and open statement, let loose for the world to see; only to be made the subject of further abuse.

In the event that you get hammered by one of these haters, please try not to take it personal. They don’t know you, and they know no other way to make themselves feel better, than to put someone else down. It’s not about you, it’s about their nature, regardless of who you are, haters gonna hate.

Are you a hater?

If we look deep inside ourselves, as much as we would like to deny that we are “haters,” truth be told we are probably more like the haters in the way that we judge or falsely accuse others based on very little information. Some people are falsely accused and sentenced to prison, for being less than desirable.

What can we do about it?

Well, on social media, if you see someone’s post that seems crass or insensitive, maybe check out the individual’s profile to see if he/she is the type of person that you imagined they were based on a few words on a public post. You might be surprised to see a lovely person, who might even be a considered a “friend” if you met him/her face-to-face.

You just cannot rely on your first impression of a person based on a single statement, like or share. You do not know who they are, what’s happening in their life or what caused them to respond in that way. Chances are, if you had walked a mile in that person’s shoes, you would have done the same thing.

And it’s likely that you have liked, commented and posted something questionable, you’d rather not be defined by at some point. Nowadays, it is prudent to think before you post.

You might consider getting used to the idea that there are other people who are a lot more like you than not. These people also have histories, families, hopes, dreams, and beliefs just like you (though dissimilar) and that’s okay. Isn’t it?

If not, not to worry, there’s room for you, too… and we love you anyway.