Deception by Withholding

“I didn’t lie to you.”

That’s what the deceiver says when being confronted by the truth coming out about something they knew would rather have kept secret. That’s why they did not disclose it in the first place. But the crafty deceiver holds fast to the idea that because they didn’t actually say anything that was untrue, so their superior intellect and “morals” are supported by the idea that they did not lie.

The question that comes up in counseling is, “Is withholding really lying, since they haven’t actually verbalized a lie?” Good question. While there are hundreds of possibilities, it largely depends on the participants and their belief systems. But regardless of what your belief is (even if you think it’s okay for you to do) when it happens to you, all of a sudden it doesn’t seem so right.

From a trained Catholic point of view there are two types of sins; the sin of commission and the sin of omission. In terms of lying, actually telling a lie would be a sin of commission, while withholding would be a sin of omission, both sharing equal consequence. Regarding the sin of omission, Jesus’ brother says, “Whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.” (James 4:17) which incorporates so much more than the unspoken words, actually including the right thing(s) one should have done but didn’t do.

But in a relationship, is it really all that bad to purposefully not disclose certain information that really wouldn’t accomplish anything but hurt someone’s feelings? Someone who thinks this way might say,

“I’m not lying, and I don’t see the need to hurt someone’s feelings when I didn’t really do anything wrong.”

This is due to the gray area representing activities or indiscretions that could have been worse.

An example might go something, like this…

Let’s say your boyfriend says,

“My friend’s mom is sick and he has to go to meet with his attorney and go to night court and he wants me to be there with her, while he’s gone.”

This doesn’t seem unreasonable so your boyfriend heads out to his friends house. He has his cell phone with him, so you can stay in touch.

His last text at 8:40 pm says,

“I forgot my charger, battery’s dying. I will text you when I get home.”

In this day and age, that could happen. You might even remember a time when your phone died, like that.

A couple of weeks later, you run into a girlfriend who saw him at a concert that night, and you assume she must be confused, because you know where he was that night.

As it turns out, the truth was that he did go over to his friend’s house to sit with his mother while he took care of his legal issues, but what he neglected to tell you was that he went to the concert with friends.

Regardless of what else may have happened, you were not made aware of his other friend’s extra concert ticket, and he neglected to tell you that, because he thought you might get mad, if you’d have known. Since nothing bad happened (like copulation), there was really no harm in sparing your feelings needlessly.

He may justify or think, he was only looking out for your best interest in the omission.

Whether his concern was innocent, or not, the fact remains there was purposeful deception. In this scenario, the boyfriend indirectly lied as he omitted critical and important details, to deceive. With the intention of allowing you to believe all is well, and there was no opportunity for transgression.

Another example might be the urge to use a vague response to a question like, “What did you do last night?” A vague answer might be, “Oh, nothing, really.”

The key here is to remember that it’s just not sociopaths who use these slick methods of deception. People just like you and me do it also because we know that it’s wrong to lie, so we don’t want to do that. Because we have a conscious, it somehow feels better to tell some of the truth and to leave out the pertinent details that might otherwise cause needless confusion or conflict.

No one can really say if it’s right or wrong, but the truth is, if you feel sighted, hurt, betrayed, or indirectly lied to, then it’s definitely not a good thing. This is not a healthy state of mind to be in for very long.

We all deceive using different motives, such as making ourselves appear to have it more together than we actually do, to hide sensitive details or information (which may have negative consequences), and to hurt someone (maliciously, or in self-defense).

So what can you do when someone has hurt your feelings by withholding information?

Try to avoid labeling him or her as a liar. Allow him or her the opportunity to disclose the non-disclosed portion of the story on their own. Try to keep your emotions in check and instead try to think about why he or she would feel the need to withhold. Maybe some counseling might be in order, if they have unresolved issues, addictions, or trauma from the past.

Communicate where your boundary is on undisclosed information, make sure he or she understands, and hope this doesn’t happen in the future, while keeping in mind that you cannot change someone or expect them to change on command. The best you can do is to communicate your expectations and hope for the best. And if you find you cannot live with this type of behavior, then you must do what is right for you.

No one expects anyone to be 100% honestly disclosing everything 24/7, that would be unreasonable and abusive.

Please Lie to Me

Lies. We hear them all day long, every day of our lives and they make us feel good.

Even if the lies are horrific tales, they make us feel better about ourselves… because, after all, it could be worse. We could have been the unfortunate subjects of the tragic lie.

Our parents lie to us about Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Disney – the hallmark of all fanciful lies – spins a yarn so incredible, we can help but believe any web they weave, and the liest don’t stop there… We’re just getting started.

Go to school, read a book, watch the news, do a Google search. We’re surrounded by so many lies you couldn’t possibly discern what is truth, even if it was staring you in the face.

Are we all living one big lie?

Ever look in the mirror and ask yourself, “Who is that?” or “Who am I?” and not have any clue as to what the real answer to questions, like that, might be?

please-lie-to-me-it-makes-me-happy

But when you tell me good things about myself – even if they’re not true – doesn’t it make me feel better? And the bigger and more fantastic the lie is about me, the far better it feels. In fact, many of the happiest moments of my life were when I was surrounded and bathed in the most dishonest lies ever told.

Tell me lies: It makes me feel fabulous!

Let’s face it, being lied to makes you happy too.

Why am I happy when I am lied to? Because it feels so good to believe that the best things in life are not only possible, but it makes you feel like you are one of the lucky ones. So lucky, it’s as if you’ve just plucked the winning lottery ticket out of thin air. How much better does it get?

When people lie to me, it makes me happy. Tell me that I am amazing, that I look like a million dollars, that I am handsome or pretty, talented, unique, funny and/or brilliant and I will love it!

Please lie to me, it makes me happy. Don’t we all want a little bit of happiness? Sure, it may not last forever (or very long, for that matter) but in that moment we feel like we’re on top of the world.

Want to make me incredibly blissful? It’s easy; just tell me, “I will do anything to make you happy.” Aargh! You got me! Bull’s-eye! Right to the heart! I am yours!

Lie to me. Tell me that you love me, and make me the happiest person on this planet.

Please lie to me.
When you lie to me it makes me feel like I can do anything.
Please lie to me.
I will believe we can live in a world where we are free.
Please lie to me.
I will believe in true love between two for eternity.
Please lie to me.
I will believe we have a divine destiny.
Please lie to me.
So I can be happy.
Please lie to me.

Be a good liar

This doesn’t mean that you should be massively deceitful, though a high skill level in lying can be hugely effective if wielded masterfully.

What it means is

If you are going to lie, please do so with the best of intentions.

Narcissistic lies are simply destructive. While they may accomplish the desired results in the interim, the long lasting effects can be negative and can lead to the inability to ever be trusted by others.

On the other hand, if you have to lie – at the very least – make sure to make someone happy. There is a better chance of having a more meaningful social impact by telling what are commonly referred to as “white lies,” without malice of intent.

Take a moment to think, before answering,

How does my butt look in these jeans?