No Love? You’re Why

Why is it so hard to wrap your head around unconditional love? No doubt, you want unconditional love. You want someone to love you no matter what, but when it comes to your loving someone else, it immediately turns to conditional love, or, “I’ll love you if…”

It might surprise you to discover that if you have no love, you’re why.

You are the reason you are not able to engage in unconditional love because it takes two; your partner and you. The you that keeps all the love you’ve ever imagined just beyond your reach.

Some people refer to this you as “ego.”

Your ego looks at love as a means to an end, a method to get whatever it is that you want, and to provide you with the sense of safety and security that you longed for as a child but rarely, if ever, received from your parent(s).

Chances are, you’ve looked for love in the past and it didn’t turn out the way you thought it would. You may have suffered a few of love’s wounds along the way, and your ego will collect every possible indicator culled from your past to prevent you from falling victim to love’s evil again.

This results in your gathering many (oh, so many) red flags as a method to protect you.

In my Awakening to True Love seminars, we discuss that unconditional love, the only true love, is about the giving of love. It requires nothing from those to whom it is given. True love is a free gift, without expectation of receiving anything in return.

To love unconditionally is to love no matter what you do, no matter what you say.

“Oh, hell no!” your ego shouts out.

Therein is the proof of it.

You want unconditional love, but your ego will not allow you to give it, therefore you can never have true love.

The ego can dress up a romantic affair to make it look and feel like love in an effort to extract a feeling of love or safety and security, but this illusion is not sustainable for long.

As soon as your ego feels the threat of not being able to sustain this love feeling, it will initiate various and sundry irritations, inconsistencies, conspiracies, suspicions, and demons to threaten your sense of wellbeing.

Your ego does not see it as your failure to connect deeply with this person, instead, it will do everything possible to make your partner the focus of your irritation and will exaggerate circumstances and your feelings until you are rescued from this relationship.

The love that you felt previously turns to fear and angst.

True love, your true love, will never come from someone else, it is drawn from an endless well of love which emanates from your heart, which is filled in unlimited capacity by the God of the universe.

If you can get a grasp of this, your ego will post up to guard the gates of your heart against you, with thoughts of “this is preposterous” because “How could the love you’ve been looking for your whole life be inside of you?”

To engage in true love is to surrender your “self” (your ego) and all that is to unconditional love.

In this state of being, all you are is love. Love is all that you see and feel no matter what. Even in the most desperate of circumstances, you can rise above it, see it for what it is, allow all the situations and players simply to be without judgment or blame; and love them and what is.

You can tell if you are in true love by the way that you feel. If you feel uncomfortable, fearful, at risk, or exposed to potential peril, you are not in the true love state. Unconditional love transcends that which is presented to us as a “cover story” or impending doom and gloom.

As more of us surrender to unconditional true love, a shift happens which resonates throughout the universe. At some point, this unconditional love will envelop our planet, and those who do not surrender to unconditional love will no longer be able to thrive.

Non-lovers will lose their power, fear will no longer serve them as a weapon, and they will find meaning in surrendering to true love, or they will deteriorate, and we will love them unconditionally, however they decide to live out their days.

For me and my house, we will love unconditionally.

Defensive About Love?

If the idea of unconditional love causes you to feel anxious there’s a good chance there is some emotional healing that is needed before you can fully embrace the idea. We are all a collection of emotional wounds from our past which prevent us from fully enjoying all the best things this life has to offer.

In an effort to find ways to survive the maze of all that life can throw at you, you create a defensive system just to navigate the potential angst you can face on a daily basis. You don’t want to feel bad, rejected, threatened, or experience emotional pain, so you make it a priority to protect yourself from being vulnerable.

Yet, love is all about letting go and being vulnerable.

While we all want to be loved unconditionally, the idea of loving someone else this way can be very frightening, leaving you fearful of what might happen if you let down your guard. Your protection of yourself can be interpreted by onlookers, or potential love interests, as hostility or anger.

You may find yourself pushing away a potential love interest, finding fault, potentially offering up false accusations, impulsively challenging, judging, or rejecting any openness, compassion, or closeness because you are overwhelmed by the pain from your past relationships (which can go far back, even to early childhood relationships).

You may be unaware of the source of your angst, still, you remain defensive, embroiled in defensive thought, overwhelmed by fault-finding, seeing “red flags,” or finding ways to blame anyone or anything for justifying your negative feelings.

Just the fact that you were emotionally hurt or betrayed by someone you fully loved and trusted from your past can create an alarm that sounds triggering your defensive response any time you feel yourself starting to trust or love.

When you were a child, you loved unconditionally, often only to be abrasively and suddenly make keenly aware that you cannot trust those who you believed would never hurt you. You carry these unhealed emotional wounds into adulthood, as you collect more corroborative evidence along the way.

As a child, you idealize or idolize your parents, and when they discipline you, you feel rejected, still, to survive, you assume responsibility and accept that you must have done something wrong or were bad, even when you did nothing wrong. You might carry this into an adult romantic relationship, as you seek to replace your parents with a different kind of life mate.

We all desire to grow and expand in a safe environment with another to forge a life and emerging with a family of our own as we mature. When ancient texts suggest, like St. Paul did, “that a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the twain shall become one flesh,” (Ephesians 5:31) note that it says to “cleave” not to cling. To cleave is like the grafting of two trees into one, so that the one tree can bear two types of fruit. There is no separation, yet the fruits of both trees are there for all to see and be enjoyed by the community.

This is the natural desire of an adult, yet your conscious and/or unconscious mind reasons that no one can be trusted, and if you do trust anyone, they will turn on you, causing you to experience sadness, pain, and/or emotional trauma.

If you’ve ever fully trusted and loved someone, only to have your whole world shattered into a million pieces, like the man who didn’t believe in love, what right-thinking person would willingly put themselves in that place of vulnerability again?

You can go on through life, asserting your independence by not needing anyone, “I can do it myself.” Doing so keeps others at arm’s length (and a beer bottle) and isolates you keeping from deeply connecting another or others. “I don’t need anyone.”

You may find ways to fill the void by immersing yourself in your career, hobbies, or addictions if you are unable to love yourself unconditionally. You might be surprised to learn that the same conditions you impose on others regarding trust and love, you also place upon yourself.

If you really desire to love another, you must first find the love for you within yourself. Then, this love can overflow to be shared with others.

Loving Upstream

Love resistance is one’s inability to accept and embrace the best things in life, the positive, powerful emotions, even rejecting them due to sensitivities to negative attachments from the past.

Fear will keep you anchored in negative emotional states because there is a feeling (albeit a false sense of security) associated with the belief that you can control the life which surrounds you with brute force. The emotions of fear are all in the domain of force.

In the realm of power, are emotions which are based in love. To hover among these emotional states requires letting go and allowing life to flow as you detach from expectations and grow.

You can achieve much in your own militaristic strength and understanding, but if you can lean not unto your own understanding, you open our life to new, infinite possibilities, allowing exponential rewards from far less effort on your part because you are operating in the flow of the power of love, in effect downstream.

Going with the flow, you travel much further with little or no effort. You must still be active and aware enabling you to simply maneuver your movement amidst the flow to avoid any potential resistance. You don’t have to be pushing to move upstream with all your might against the current.

If you are loving upstream, against the current, you will be unable to accept genuine love flowing from another. Your perception is clouded by fear from an experience from the past. You will be predisposed to suspicion of being love because love in the past resulted in pain.

You know you are loving upstream if you predicate any display of love with, “the last time.”

“The last time,” is an excellent method to support the survival of the fittest. We learn from our mistakes and protect ourselves from suffering a similar negative result by protecting ourselves with all our might upstream; against the current or flow of love.

Some examples might include, your partner asks you to put on your safety belt, and you resist because you’ve associated wearing a safety belt with being controlled of having the affairs of your life dictated by someone else in the past. You recoil with rejection, when your partner’s intent was to encourage you to be safe, as an expression of his or her love for you.

Other upstream rejections of another’s expression of love might include feeling assaulted when you are complimented. Feeling threatened if given an unexpected gift or shown some other form of generosity. Not being able to receive compliments because of either feeling unworthy or fearing potential manipulation. Rejecting intimacy because, “All you want is sex,” when this refers more to a past relationship, rather than reality in the now. And the list goes on and on, ad infinitum.

So you build walls of protection around yourself and push away any potential for love in fear, upstream, against the current.

Effective? Yes. Your highest and best method of living in the flow of love? No.

No wonder the search for love is so frustrating, even exhausting, when you’re attempting to achieve it with all your determined strength, loving upstream.

Nakedness in Relationships

Relationships can be scary, especially the more intimate the relationship the greater the exposures. There are various degrees of nakedness in relationships. In less intimate relationships there is less nakedness, while the most intimate relationships include full nudity.

Of course, I am not referring to the nakedness of being unclothed, but of being fully exposed, allowing yourself to be seen intimately without any social or emotional covering or façade.

We all desire to connect with other people, to know one another to varying degrees. We find comfort in having people in our lives with whom we can relax, and just be ourselves.

You are so much more than your public persona. You have a particular view of yourself, of how you want the world to perceive you, so you adopt a fully adorned representation of yourself to present to the world. No one knows this is just an act, except for you.

Yet, you desire to drop all the act and to be fully open, honest, transparent, and fully naked, loved and accepted for who you are with no pretense, agenda, or need for covering the vulnerable you who is hidden underneath the multiple layers of your external representation.

You have many levels of intimacy, where you shed some of the public personas and let others have glimpses of who you really are among friends and family. Still, you yearn for someone with whom you can be fully naked, without the fear of stripped down to the most intimate details of your life and who you really are.

In most cases, the only hope you have is to find a romantic mate with whom you can share the most intimate details of your life without the threat of judgment. This is love. As much as you desire such a level of vulnerable intimacy, it is possible to trust someone not to judge you or disclose your innermost secrets to the world?

To be fully naked, not just in the body, but in the soul, where your partner can see and hopefully some grasp of, level of understanding, or at least an inkling of what private things have hurt you in the past, why you have certain sensitivities, what makes you tick, and what turns you on, not just in the sexual sense, but what makes your heart sing, and why.

Where do you doubt yourself? What are your shortcomings? What are your greatest fears?

What makes you happy? What makes you sad? What makes you want to throw caution to the wind and go for it?

This level of nakedness in relationships is what engenders true intimacy, entrusting your most intimate details in full view of your closest, most intimate partner. The one you can trust with all your transparent nakedness, fully exposed, with nothing left to hide.

This represents your most intimate relationship of all, yet it is elusive, and you fear opening up in such intimacy because you fear that you cannot trust anyone with the intimate details of your life.

It is likely that you trusted someone with some intimate details of your life only to have them disregard and disrespect you, judge you for intimating such details, and/or used your openness and honest against you.

You’ve learned, the hard way, not to trust anyone.

Still, your heart yearns to be joined with someone you can fully reveal yourself, who you can trust as the witness to the completeness of your life, as you are for him or her, the same.

This is the nature of the romantic soul mate, the one with whom you may have the potential of sharing an unconditional love.

You will run across many soul mates along the journey of your life, some who are potentially the best of friends, or the most intimate of lovers.

I hear countless regrets from those who later in life realize they once, or many times, had access to a potential soul mate but did not allow the relationship to explore the possibilities due to fear.

You must be able you overcome your fear to take the risk of experiencing nakedness in relationships in order to allow the soul mate to reveal him or her -self to you.

Your fear causes you to interrupt the idea with, “But…”

You’ve got to move your but to what. “What if…?”

Your what to when, “When should I…”

Your when to now. “Now is a good time to take action.”

Make a move to take the action to see if the possibility is closer than you thought.

If it turns out it’s not, keep looking and taking action to test the water, being mindful of the nakedness, or level of transparent intimacy you share, may not include actual nudity or be sexual in any way.

Don’t let your life be filled with the regret of having let him or her get away.

He or she is out there, waiting for you to reach out.

Thin Line Between Love and Hate

The common phrase indicating there exists a “thin line between love and hate,” which proposes that feelings of love and hate are similar and could be separated by only a nanosecond in regard to romantic love. If you can concede that the idea is valid (and it is backed by science as intense emotions of romantic “love” and “hate” fire from the same energetic source inside the brain) then you can rationalize the idea of loving someone in one moment and hating the very same person in the next.

If you don’t believe there is a thin line between love and hate, peek in on any couple’s relationship session and listen in… Within moments, you will hear one or both partners expressing how the very same person whom they feel the closest to, the one that fills your heart with joy and love, also infuriates you and can easily set you off into a rage of hate and anger.

So, it must be true:
There is a thin line between love and hate.

If it’s true, then we can go on hurting each other, rationalizing our behavior, prolonging and enduring painful relationships, because it’s just the way it is, and there’s nothing wrong with that, because in most cases, we’re all just struggling to make it through life one day at a time.

The problem with this idea is that the definitions are incorrect.

If you were you correct the statement, it would be more appropriately stated as,

There’s a thin line between Lust and Fear

If you dig down into the definition of love in the phrase in question, it refers to an emotional bond based on sexual attraction with the hope of establishing a long-term satisfaction based on your mate’s performance. This is a more accurate definition of lust, not an accurate representation of love, especially not unconditional love.

If you look at the definition of hate, it is more accurately interpreted as, “I am afraid.” It is fear wrapped up in a blanket of anger. You feel like you hate someone when they have surprised you with their radical incongruence with your expectations, and your energetic brain system flashes into irrational fight-or-flight in an effort to defend and protect yourself. In this case, the word hate, should be replaced with fear.

If you can approach these ideas with honesty and openness, you will know this to be true.

What about love?

Precisely. Love as defined by St. Paul would suggest that real love is, “patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7) He also encourages men to, “love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,” (Ephesians 5:25) and all the women said, “Amen.” LOL

Unconditional love is an entirely new version of love which far surpasses contemporary definitions of love. Love, today, is more adequately defined as, “I love you if…” while unconditional love is like, “I love you no matter what you say, no matter what you do.”

I love you no matter what is a whole new kind of love which is not even closely related to the contemporary definition of love in our society.

Just suggesting such a high definition of love generates an immediate response in either men or women, enthusiastically interrupting any further nonsense with, “HELL NO!”

7 Phases of Love

Followed by a long list of reasons why one would never put up with any of many mistreatments or disrespect in any way. “No one’s every gonna get away with treating me, like that.”

There you go. There is no love in that response. It is based on lust and fear, not love, which is fine. In this case, there is a thin line between love and hate. There is no judgment, here, after all, we’re all just doing the best we can with what we have, and God bless you for doing whatever is right for you.

Under no conditions, did anyone infer that anyone should submit themselves to any kind of abuse. If someone is abusive to you or using you as a scapegoat for their need to remain a victim, create a safe place for you and consider making a new decision about letting this person have any further access to you.

Unconditional love is lifting the bar to a whole new level. The fuel for the fire of true love comes from the source of all life, burns within you, and warms the hearts of all those around you. You must light the fire of love within you. If you’re interested in contemplating such a relationship you might want to attend an Awakening to True Love Workshop to see if it might be a good idea for you and yours.

Love you.

Love is All There is

Love is all there is. Everything else is illusionary lights, smoke, mirrors, bells, and whistles. The truth is it is God’s intention for there to only be love, a harmonious celebration of life and peace on earth. This is why we are here, to find and experience all the love, life, and peace that is waiting for out discovery and joyous celebration thereof.

On the other hand, we share the planet with a variety of individuals, all with their own experiences, perceptions, definitions, beliefs, and ideals, all purporting their own agendas, some willing to use force, even kill others or die themselves in defense of their perspective.

What we fail to see in every person, every thing, every disaster, every circumstance, situation or challenge, there exists a state of perfection. Inside every sick and dying person is a healthy vibrant person full of vitality and love in all of his or perfection in every way. Granted, you may not be able to see it from your perspective because, after all, we all inhabit bodies and are (somewhat) limited to what we can experience with our five senses and rationalize with our finite mind.

Knowing that there is more to life than meets the eye (and/or the other four senses) enables you, if you dare, to see things from a higher perspective; seeing the beauty, magnificence and divine nature of all things. Though we are not able to see these things clearly due to our varying state(s) of consciousness or expansion, there is a knowingness within that everything is in divine order.

Through it all, our calling remains clearly (if you can imagine) to experience and be love, to celebrate life in harmony with all mankind and creation, as well as having peace on earth.

If love is all there is, and everything else is illusionary lights, smoke, mirrors, bells, and whistles, then God’s perfect design and will prevail, regardless of what it looks like on the surface.

While the base vibration of humanity is rising. Humanity’s base vibration is still basically low, rooted in fear, though it is raising in love. This vibration continues to rise as more and more of us are able to see this life through the eyes of love and continue to grow, expand and evolve into higher versions of ourselves.

Even so, our base vibration, representing the majority of people with whom we share the planet, make our default setting for gathering and processing data search for what’s wrong with the world. Then we attempt to smash, ridicule, or fix that thing which we have determined is bad, cruel, or in conflict with our ego-centered desire to see a thing manifest in a certain way.

Invariably, we who are in human form, find that which we seek. If you look for the bad things in the world you find them, and if nothing exists that was bad (and it doesn’t) then we will find a way to create it, so that we have something to focus on which is negative. This is our default setting.
Alternatively, you may choose to shift your focus from fear (your default setting, which most of us have been programmed to do since birth) or seeking to find what’s wrong with the world, to love and seeking all the things that are right, even spectacularly breathtaking, in the world at any point in time.

Using scientific method and personal assertions we find and disseminate our findings to influence others to align with our point of view, whether it is based on negativity or positivity.

Where you resonate in your life, what you focus your attention on and feel is amplified and sent out to the world, proliferating the frequency which you resonate with while engaged in thought. If you are feeling bad about something you believe to be bad with a degree of intensity, this vibratory frequency is multiplied exponentially. Therefore, the more you feel good, or bad, the more your experience affects the world.

It hardly makes sense to focus on anything bad. Mother Teresa understood this concept when she said, “I was once asked why I don’t participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I’ll be there.” She knew the secret to focusing her attention on that which is good, not on what is wrong. By doing so, she was able to influence the world in a positive way, staying true to her sacred calling and not allowing herself to be distracted by that which was undesirable.

You, like Mother Teresa, could be surrounded by pain and suffering yet positively focused on being the proactive solution.

To see things through the eyes of God is to see everything in the light of love, while to look at things through the eyes of men is to filter your sight by the veil of human existence and fear.

Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to experience this paradigm shift from fear to love and to be a powerful generator for promoting love’s good in all things. Your positive attention, actions, and energy create a viral effect of spreading love, like a sacred virus throughout the land.

It starts with you. The one. You are the one being called into this sacred service.

Let today be the day you chose to, as Gandhi challenged, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

Starting with you and your household, make the world a better place by focusing your attention on all that is good, and when your senses become aware of something not good, look for the good in it and you will find it, or see and/or be the solution.

The new world of love, joyous celebration and peace starts within you.

Buried Treasure in Fighting

Conflict in relationships is part of the growing and expanding love opportunity. You can choose to join forces support and heal each other through each conflict, or let each successive conflict tear away and erode the relationship until there is nothing left to fight for.

If you as a couple unite and allow for conflict to be a tool for advancing your love, creating deeper meaning, connection, and intimacy in your relationship, you will find the buried treasure in fighting and are very blessed indeed.

To effectively approach conflict in its most positive and powerful form, it might be good to understand what fighting is all about.

1. Fighting is Not about Us

When you’re in the midst of a passionate discussion, conflict, or fight, try to keep in mind that while the surface message may be an important message about you, your relationship, some circumstance or situation surrounding your relationship, honor and listen to this surface message, but the passionate delivery or rage, has little or nothing to do with you or your relationship.

2. Fighting is about Fear

A useful part of our physiology, the brain’s secretion of the danger cocktail (a combination of Adrenaline, Cortisol, and Norepinephrine hormones) disconnects all resources that might be used for conducting thoughtful rationale in exchange for the focused struggle for survival, a definite advantage when encountering man-eating lions, tigers, and bears. And fear is the trigger that sounds the alarm, overriding our nervous system.

The “fear” may not be what it appears to be on the surface. You will notice this when your first reaction might be, “Why are you so upset?” because the subject doesn’t seem to match such an intense emergency response. In this case, most likely, the fear is anchored in your partner’s past.

We all accumulate fears from the time we are born, and they routinely express themselves as we walk through our adult lives (often at the most inopportune times) and link themselves to something which triggers the emergency response and you are prepared to fight or run as fast as you can to avoid peril or impending doom.

3. You as a Couple are Allies

Remembering that you are in this together is a key component. When you are facing an obstacle, challenge, or emotionally charged threat to the relationship, remember it is not you against your partner. It is you and your partner linked side-by-side heart-to-heart against this invisible adversary who is trying to come between you.

You and your partner are committed to each other and this relationship. You wouldn’t intentionally do anything to hurt your partner. You love and support him or her and would do anything to help him or her.

And if you can clearly see your partner overreacting to an issue and spinning out of control emotionally, this is a sign that your partner needs your help. So, stay calm, don’t let yourself get lost in the drama, be the strong support that your partner needs in this vulnerable and sensitive state.

4. Pay Attention

Listen and pay attention to what might be represented as unspoken content or underlying fear. Honor the surface message by clearly understanding what your partner is trying to communicate and seek clarification and acknowledgment that you are understanding correctly while continuing to look below the surface for clues.

Our fears, which hold us back and block us from our highest potential have accumulated and followed us from birth, and these fears are normally anchored to our relationship with our parents (like fear of loss, or abandonment) or other childhood traumas.

If you are attentive and fueled by the love for your partner and his or her best interests, you might be able to uncover the hidden connection to his or her fear(s) from the past. This is when you,

5. Find the Buried Treasure

The buried treasure in the conflict.

An example might be,

You and your partner agreed to (driving in separate vehicles) meet in the parking lot of a restaurant. When you showed up ten minutes late due to a traffic jam, you met with your partner’s outrage. Let’s say, you did the right thing, did not get defensive and help the space sacredly for your partner’s outrage, letting him or her get it out.

You let your partner know that you understand that he or she is upset because you were late and rather than take the time to let him or her know that you might be late, you decided to focus your efforts on getting there as quickly and safely as possible.

You reinforce that you wouldn’t do anything to hurt or harm your partner, your heart is filled with love for him or her, and you would do anything to protect your partner and be there for him or her to the best of your ability.

Then, after a while, you might query, “Is there a time when you can remember in your life, in the past, when someone showed up late?”

You can see the rage start to build as your partner tells the story about how he or she was left to wait alone in the school parking lot, waiting for his or her father to pick her up after school. The father had forgotten and she waited alone, now in the dark, for four-and-a-half hours!

Bingo! You found the buried treasure!

Now that you and your partner recognize this, you can move through the process of your partner’s healing about this traumatic episode from his or her past.

You guys are a super team!

You have supported your partner and helped him or her face his or her demons face-forward and come out on the other side victorious! Nothing draws a couple closer together or engenders greater intimacy than that.

Kind’a makes you look forward to the next fight, ’eh?

Oh, by the way, in honor of the surface message, after apologizing for being late, you also agreed to call ahead if at all possible (more possible now, with cell phones) if you’re going to be late out of courtesy, love, and respect for your partner, which is something that his or her father never got to do.

Note: This example was a pretty direct conclusion to arrive at. In other circumstances, it could take a lot more investigative work on your part as you collect data from a past fear expressing itself repeatedly before you are able to properly detect it.

Love and Fear in Relationships

We already know that we bring baggage along with us into any relationship which contains ideas, fears, programming, and beliefs that hinder our ability to be honest, open and have a truly loving connection with another person.

Because we believe these ideas to be true, because in our mind and felt by our emotions, they appear to be even more real than the pain of life which might be felt in the real world. The construct in our mind has been so carefully designed and programmed since our birth that we believe it, more than we might believe something in real life that may contradict our programming.

The fears which we harbor from the past plays out in a dramatic portrayal, all the while supporting the underlying belief, i.e., I can’t trust anyone, all men are dogs, I will never know true love, to have love you must give up yourself, etc. We do this, even if we don’t like it because there is safety in knowing a thing is true. We are comforted by the experiential re-enforcement of our beliefs even if they are painful and untrue, which may not make it true but it does make it appear as though you are right. The question is, then,

Let’s face it, love and fear are polar opposites on the emotional scale, how can anyone expect to bring such a contradiction to a logical conclusion. Love and fear will always promote pain and dysfunction. For instance, if you have a fear which asserts that you cannot trust anyone, then this becomes your self-fulfilling prophecy. After a while in your relationship your partner will do something that seemed perfectly normal or “cute” in the beginning, but suddenly the same act triggers an emotional response making you feel as though you have been betrayed, he or she is sneaking around or hiding something from you, and the drama is played out.

Which would you rather have?

To be right, or to have love?

We tend to project our feelings and fears from our past onto our partner, and we are so good at it that our partner will have no hope in overshadowing your projected image or idea, no matter how well-intended and loving as they might be. This creates an environment which fosters difficulty in couple’s connection and conversation.

When something sets you off in an emotional tailspin, this is triggering a reaction based on some hidden fear which if identified and dealt with can engender healing and open up opportunities for unbridled growth and expansion in you, and untold possibilities for creating a deeper, more authentic and enduring connection with your partner.

If your relationship appears to be problematic, chances are if you heal your relationship to your self, you will also heal your relationship. I know, it can be a lot to try to wrap your head around because your first instinct is to say, “It’s not me,” it’s the other party who is causing all the conflict. The fact remains, if you are the one feeling the emotional reaction to the trigger, it’s you, not your partner.

Now, through a little investigative research, if you can ferret out the source of your reaction and deal with it in an effectively eliminating fashion, it will no longer have power over you, causing you to react irrationally. You, then, can focus on your partner’s issue (if it still remains) calmly, without accusation or judgment.

All you have to do is to open and allow for a deeper connection to be revealed to you, then do the deep work of exposing the root and eliminate it through a psychologically surgical process. The surgical process can take many shapes and forms and rarely does one procedure work on all people. Nonetheless, you can start this process, right now.

You can start by using a simple prayer,

“Reveal to me the ways that I am hindering achieving my highest and best that have anchors to my past. Help me identify them and heal them so I might enjoy life without being restrained by them. Let me see me and my potential for love more clearly.”

Then see what happens. Almost immediately, you will feel lighter as a new energy enters your sacred space and thirty-to-forty days, you will have access to this energetic power fully, as it strengthens over time as you send up this simple prayer daily.

You will also notice a shift in the energetic vibration of your relationship and your partner as well because as you grow and change, your relationship grows and changes also.

This energy will attract to you all the tools, knowledge and resources necessary to move you through the process. But you must be alert, attentive and willing to take action when you are quickened or when assistance is presented to you.

Your answered prayer will have things showing up in unusual ways, you will see themes and messages appear in media, internet searches, advertising, other people’s conversations, books which may be calling for you to read them, or even the message which seems to speak to you when hearing a song on the radio.

Check your motivation because you should be doing this for the right reason: You. You are not going about this work to save your relationship or to change your partner. You might find that your partner is changing along with you and that your harmonious journey will take you to unknown magnificence in true love and deep, meaningful connection.

On the other hand, as you do this deep inner work, you may discover that you and your partner really are not compatible and cannot continue on a single journey traveled by the two of you hand in hand. The time may come when you both send each other off to each continue his/her journey without you, as you continue yours.

Be open and don’t try to force a particular outcome, let the source of all life imbue you with everything you could possibly need to live a better life, your best life, and make the world a better place.

Let your love soar.

Fear of Abandonment in Love

In many relationships, fear of abandonment can find ways to thwart your attempts to find love, no matter how you try. Dealing with one who has fear of abandonment issues, whether this applies to you, or someone you’re in love with.

In most, if not all, cases, fear of abandonment can be traced back to one’s childhood. It is often linked with a mother or primary caregiver who was not there to provide the proper nurturing, caring and attentive support to the child. Regardless of the reason for the lack of nurturing, whether the primary had to work, or had personal issues or unavoidable circumstances to properly love and connect with this little baby, this young child grew up insecure.

This insecurity could express itself as either avoidance or anxiety.

Avoidance

In the person who expresses his or her fear of abandonment as avoidance, he (avoidance if far more common among men) or she will likely retreat when his or her partner is crying out for love and connection. When witnessing his or her partner expressing his or her need, the avoider will make a bee-line to a safe place.

Commonly, he or she will retreat to the office, or some other location deemed as a “safety zone,” and so it is not uncommon for avoiders to become workaholics.

As a child, the avoider found self-sufficiency and finding comfort in solitude his or her coping mechanism in dealing with a primary caregiver who did not give them the love, attention, and support they so desperately needed in those young and formative early years.

Anxiety

If the person who was raised with abandonment issues found reward from crying out or clamoring for attention, then this will likely carry over into adulthood. The anxious person carrying fear of abandonment issues will likely be stirring the pot in an attempt to get the attention they seek, even though this obviously is an ineffective method of getting them what they want.

What do they want?

In either case, whether they are operating from a place of avoidance or anxiety, both of these individuals are desperately in search of the love, safety and security they were denied at a very tender, young age.

Since we are often drawn and attracted to someone like our parents, you will have someone in your life that triggers the abandonment threshold which throws you into a state of panic or fight or flight response.

This emotional state of emergency disconnects the part of the brain which is reserved for rational thought as they follow their knee-jerk instincts which seek to protect them from further abandonment. So the avoider retreats and the anxious person who fears abandonment pitches a fit because the avoider feel safe in seclusion and the anxious person gets attention (even though it is negative) when they act up.

This reactivity does not foster a healthy environment for creating a congruent connection between two people. In fact, it does just the opposite, it keeps these two people from having a positive, loving and supportive relationship, which is just the opposite of what they so long to have. But for them, it has not become about connection, it has been reduced to its simplest form of survival, so they react and prevent connection from happening.

And there’s a good chance that you are either one of these, either suffering from avoidance or anxiety paradigms, and you are also in a relationship with one, and there’s an even greater chance that if you are in a relationship with someone also suffering from fear of abandonment, that your partnered with someone who is the other type.

In most fear of abandonment couples, one is the avoider and the other is anxious.

What can I do, if I’m in a relationship with someone who has fear of abandonment issues?

Good question. Thankfully, there is a cure for what ails the person who is dealing with fear of abandonment issues.

Avoidance

The person who is suffering from abandonment and has embraced avoidance as his or her coping mechanism wants love and connection but has no idea about how to get it. He or she retreats and expects you to leave.

The key, here, is to do exactly the opposite of what he or she expects. Don’t disconnect yourself, instead, be totally supportive, reach out and touch the heart of the avoider in such a way that he or she longed for in childhood.

That’s right. Treat him or her like a baby, hold him or her in your arms, look him or her in the eyes and say, “I am here for you. I know you feel like running away, right now, and that’s okay, but I will be right here for you. I love you. I really, really love you. I am here for you and I will never leave nor forsake you. You can depend on me.”

The results may not be immediate, but as you gain the trust of the avoider and he or she begins to realize that you are there for comfort, support, safety, security and benevolently offering your loving kindness, and he or she sees strength, consistency, and dependability in your love, he or she will open up.

This might be the first time he or she has ever felt safe.

Anxiety

The anxious person suffering from fear of abandonment needs the same thing. Needs to know he or she will not be judged or ridiculed, desires to be loved, accepted and embraced in love.

When he or she is acting out, this can look like a rant or a fit of rage, but in reality, it is only this person’s inner child crying out for love and connection.

Likewise, instead of berating or getting defensive, make eye contact in a loving and non-threatening manner, just as you would a little baby, reach out and hold him or her, let him or her know that they are loved unconditionally. And if it was something that you did to trigger this response assure him or her, “Hey, I can see that you’re upset. I’m so sorry. I never meant to do anything to hurt you. I would never intentionally do that. I am here for you. I love you. I am here for you.”

Again, if you are honest and true, your love will shine through in your actions, and this person might be able to feel safe and secure in your love.

The more secure he or she feels over time, the more infrequent the reactions will be.

And there is a third type of person who suffers from fear and abandonment. This one is the,

Trauma

Having suffered trauma as a child, this person acts out more expressively, probably jumping to conclusions and making irrational accusations, over-reacting to circumstances and scenarios that might seem mundane to anyone else.

The traumatics are often their own worst enemy driving away those whom they desperately want to be loved by.

Again, just like everyone else, they are desperately in search of love and connection.

If you are brave and steadfast enough, your love can break through the protective walls they have built around themselves.

Love can be a dirty business, but there is no greater love than being the reason that someone has sincerely felt safe, secure and loved for the very first time.

Love’s Alchemy Turn Hate into Love

If you’re like me, even though I was raised in a time and atmosphere which promoted love heavily, there was still the propulsion of hate; hating him or her, hating this or that, hating “the man,” the establishment or the government.

Can hate and love co-exist?

Well, I think it can, but is that really our highest and best? Love is one of the highest vibrations, hate, on the other hand, resides among the lower rungs of the emotional ladder.

Love embraces, as hate pushes away. Love creates an atmosphere of caring, sharing and community, while hate promotes dissension and isolation.

What causes us to go to the place where hate resides?

I think initially, we start with anger, as we are distraught about not being respected for who we are, what we think or believe. When we see or hear about someone doing something we don’t like. When we are disrespected, or our ideas, thoughts or beliefs are not honored and discarded, we are selfishly appalled and angry about either not being heard, or witnessing some perceived criminal act. The refusal of someone to try to see a thing from our point of view, or act in a way which we respectfully conduct ourselves takes us to that angry place.

When this is met with fear of asserting our beliefs or standing up for ourselves (fear from punishment, lack of reward, loss of income, liberty, wellness, or life) we are resentful and angry. Left to itself, unexpressed anger about an injustice or disrespect can fuel the fire and lead to hate.

If we are empowered to express our disapproval in a manner which is respected, then we are less likely to allow the discomfort of the emotion to turn into hate. Once the pressure is relieved and we feel as though we’ve been heard, the emotional pain dissipates.

When we are not heard or boldly disrespected, our base instincts take us over and ready for war, to fight the self righteous battle for our right to be heard. This battle starts in the mind and may find a way to be expressed in the real world and can lead to outward expressions of havoc, protest, damaging physical property, physical abuse or murder.

Then there are the “Goody-goodies” out there proclaiming that we should, “love your enemies,” which is a far cry from any intuitive reaction to the feelings you may be experiencing at the time.

But there is a way to trade your hate for love, if you’re willing to look at things from a different perspective.

For instance, I can’t speak for you, but in my life, I have experienced a number of disappointments and oppression. I’ve been greatly disrespected, a victim of crimes, and been disrespected by people in authority, which had left me angry and face-to-face with hate in my heart. On the one hand, I have been there.

On the other hand, when I look back at all the injustices that justified the anger and hate that I endured in those most desperate of times, life had something far greater in store for me. I found that as I dealt with the pain of rejection, the anger and subsequent hate, and found ways to come to personal resolution, there was something so much better waiting for me on the other side of the pain, but I couldn’t see it. I was blinded by the pain.

From my current perspective, I can see that all those things that stressed me out so much, and caused me to lose myself and all my senses, were actually keys that unlocked doors leading to something so much better. I can see, now, that had I not gone through the pain of separation or humiliation, I would have never been at the right place in the right time to experience what life had in store for me.

If you can wrap your head around that idea, like I did, you can start to imagine that people or circumstances that you fight against, the things that make you angry and want to fight, may just be life trying to point you in another direction.
So, when the hair starts to stand up on the back of my neck, and I start to feel disrespected (even though I may be overcome by emotion or lose myself in the moment), I start to look around as soon as I am able to gain enough composure.
From this perspective you can begin to understand that this is not my enemy at all, while the intention of the adversary may actually be to do me harm, life has something far greater waiting in the wings.

And you can get to what is good, beautiful, loving and amazing in less time by not fighting the battle, which is only necessary in your own ignorance. Now, I am less apt to engage in the battle, and more apt to start looking for what life has in store for me, at the get-go.

So, you can love your enemy, because he/she or the circumstance is not an evil injustice, but life (or what I refer to as God) doing whatever it takes to get you back on the track to your highest and best. The painful experience of anger, hate and the ensuing battle, is only necessary, if you’re refusing to listen.

Instead or reaching for your weapons, think about listening to that still small voice, and look around…

Something so much better is waiting for you.

You are love’s alchemist. You can turn hate into love, if you choose to do so.

So bless your adversary, be thankful and express your gratitude and love for getting your attention, and blessing you with a better way, leading to greater support, love and charity.

There is a great love growing in you, and you will be given opportunities to express it, and you will.