Shocked By Your Partner

What do you do when someone you entrusted your heart with turns out to be a different person than he or she represented himself or herself as when you trusted him or her with your heart?

This is a tender and sometimes shocking moment of truth, when you realize that your partner is not the person you thought he or she was.

First of all, do not discount your feelings. You feel the way you’re feeling about this realization, and you, or anyone else, has no right to disrespect what you are feeling. Even when you’re processing ill feelings about this current stage of your life, try to keep your wits about you.

Try to avoid striking out at your partner with an emotional outburst. If you can’t help it, no one would blame you. Resist the urge to blow up in rage, and hurling negative projections, which you may feel obligated to apologize for later, and begin your review process, as soon as you are able to find the space to think as possible.

Remember, this is someone you love. Unless you’re dealing with a psychopath, this person with whom you have trusted your heart, would not do anything to hurt you, because he or she does love you. It’s just that in this moment, his or her love for you looks differently than what you expected.

You build a vast array of expectations which represent what you expect your lover’s love for you to look like. When you see expressions of love which are contrary to what you expected to see, you feel like you’ve been assaulted, and the emotional impact is tragic.

Nothing wrong with having expectations and being deeply attached to them, this is completely normal and natural, but realize,

Your partner wouldn’t do anything to hurt you.

Up to now, your life has been full of experiences which have culminated in the person that you are in this moment. You’ve faced certain situations and circumstances throughout your journey and you’ve dealt with them in the best way that you could have in the moment.

Every one of those experience has left a residual energy inside of you, whether the experience resolved graciously or tragically. No matter how you’ve managed your life in the past, the truth is, you did the best you could have in that moment, with what you had to work with at the time.

This is your journey.

Just as you are on a journey, so your partner is on his or her own journey, and is a collection of his or her experiences up to this moment in time.

When your partner surprises you with his or her doing the best he or she can with what he or she has, it can sometimes be disturbing and shocking. No one would blame you for being taken aback by this unexpected reveal.

In your attempt to rationalize and figure out why he or she would have done this thing which has captured your attention, consider that while your partner loves you deeply, he or she is just doing the best that he or she can with what he or she has moment to moment.

Sometimes, a person does something that has nothing to do with you, but it feels as though it is a personal affront, or outright attack, focused at you. Even though, in real life, any thought of you was not present when this event happened.

You’re upset because you feel like every moment of your partner’s life should be viewed through your consciousness. You think this is a fair expectation because it feels like everything that you think, say, or do, is run through your partner’s consciousness, even though you know that to do so would be impossible.

Sometimes you will react to life circumstance and in the moment of impact you respond intuitively or instinctively without first considering how your reaction will affect your partner.

If you’ve reacted to something life has presented you with, and your action or reaction triggered your partner or caused him or her to be shocked by your response, how would you like him or her to respond?

You would feel bad for hurting your partner’s feelings and you would be apologetic because you wouldn’t have done anything intentionally to cause your partner pain. You were only doing the best you could do with what you had in the moment.

Consider why your partner might have felt like he or she had to respond in the manner which has surprised you and captured your attention. After all, he or she has lived a whole life which has led him or her to this moment.

Try to imagine what it might be like to be your partner, living his or her life up to this point, and ask yourself what he or she may have experienced in the past which has cause him or her to have such a reaction today?

Often when these situations and circumstances who up in life, it is grounded in a hidden set of programming which has built up from the past. Sometime very early in life, early childhood, and in many cases, the person who is reacting has no idea the reaction is energy recoiling off a childhood memory.

Find a place of compassion and empathy for your partner when you are surprised or shocked, even if you’re the victim of his or her abuse. But if you’ve been abused, take action to stop the abuse, because you never have to submit to being abused by anyone.

Love your partner but look after yourself.

After all, we’re all doing the best we can with what we have.

What Is Your Love Language?

When you express your affection to someone, you possess a certain style and method for communicating how you feel. Likewise, your partner has a particular method of expressing him- or her-self. Both of you also have certain expressions which you are particularly fond of that make you feel as though you are deeply loved. This method of giving and receiving love is a form of communication referred to as your “love language” as coined by author Gary Chapman.

What Is your love language?

Gary Chapman

In Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, he delineates five different communication methods or styles of communicating love. By reducing these into five basic categories, you can easily determine which love language(s) you and your partner are most aligned with.

According to the author, everyone has a primary and secondary love language. Most people tend to express their love for their partner using their own love language. If getting a gift from someone make you feel loved and cherished, then it is highly likely that you will express your love to your partner by giving him or her a gift because Receiving Gifts is your primary love language.

What if your partner’s heart speaks a different love language?

Here is the rub: You buy your partner gifts because this is meaningful for you but your partner’s heart speaks an entirely different love language. No matter how many gifts you give your partner to express your affection for him or her, while appreciated, your partner is not receptive to the sincerity and tenderness of your love’s message.

Learning what love language your partner’s heart speaks is a highly regarded tool for effective love communication.

Let’s take a brief look at Chapman’s five love languages. They are:

1. Words of Affirmation

If your partner’s love language is Words of Affirmation, his or her heart responds to certain spoken and/or written words which make him or her feel loved and appreciated, such as, “I love you,” “You are amazing,” “You look sexy in that outfit,” or, “I am so proud of you.”

Different words of affirmation work best for different people. What might be seen as a compliment to one person might be seen as offensive to the next. Taking your time to do a little research to find out which words and phrases your Words of Affirmation partner responds best to is effort well spent.

2. Quality Time

If your partner’s heart responds to Quality Time, he or she will revel in spending private and focused one-on-one time with you.

Could be anything from a quaint dinner out at a restaurant with enough privacy to talk and gaze into each other’s eyes to sitting on the sofa with the TV turned down and phones silenced, having one-on-one time. Attentive listening to your partner and giving him or her the uninterrupted space to express him-or her-self wile you look into his of her eyes and listen attentively could be done anywhere, anytime, if he or she is receptive to this type of loving communication.

3. Receiving Gifts

If your partner’s heart responds to gifts, keep in mind that they not all be expensive gifts. Simple gifts are just as meaningful, if not more so. A handmade card, presenting a freshly picked flower while taking a stroll with your partner, or giving your partner a monetary gift that he or she can contribute to his or her favorite charity.

Those who are prone to receiving gifts as a sign of being loved and cherished will desire a little something-something in between holidays to feel deeply loved. Fortunately for you, they don’t have to be expensive, only meaningful to your partner.

4. Acts of Service

Acts of service are those things that you do which make your partner feel loved and adored. Like all love languages, you will need to find out which specific acts speak to your partner’s heart.

Simple acts of service could include volunteering to perform a chore which your partner normally accepts as his or her responsibility, detailing his or her car, or joining in an activity your partner is engaged in to show love and supportiveness. Pretty much any assistance you can offer to “lighten the load” of any responsibility he or she might have would be particularly endearing to the Act of Service lover.

5. Physical Touch

People either like being touched or they don’t but if your partner’s heart longs for physical tough, then by all means, reach out and touch him or her, even if you are one who doesn’t like to touch or be touched.

Simple touching can be just holding hands in public, a little foot-play under the table at dinner, putting your hand on his or her arm or leg while deeply connecting in conversation or listening will go a long way with someone whose love language is Physical Touch.

Of course, sexual intimacy is assumed in the language of Physical Touch, but it need not be the primary form of communication to express sincere love.

For more information, check out The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

What is your love language?

I Love You, But

“I love you, but I don’t like” this, or that. Insert whatever tweaks your sensibilities. There is always some thing(s) you are not going to like about your partner. In fact, there are likely 10 of them. !0 things about your partner that just aren’t going to set right with you.

On the other hand, there are 10 things about your partner which you find absolutely fabulous. (If you’ve been with your partner for some time, they may be difficult to recall at the moment, but if you think back you can remember them.)

Because the truth is, every person has 10 amazing attributes and 10 things that are going to piss you off. This is the nature of people, none of us are perfect. It’s easy to see the 10 things you find so incredible about your partner in the beginning.

It is unlikely that you will be able to see the stuff you’d rather not see until after the honeymoon (Coupling) phase (2). Dr. John Gottmann (10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage) refers to your partner’s undesirable qualities as 10 Irreconcilable Differences.

10 Irreconcilable Differences

According to Gottman the areas you’re likely to have wildly opposing views are,

1. financial matters
2. sexual intimacy
3. child rearing
4. career vs. home
5. politics
6. friendships
7. household chores
8. extended family and in-laws
9. communication style
10. personal habits

When you start to notice these inconsistencies, you’re likely to assume you partner has been hiding them from you. Yet, if you think about it, you will realize this is not true, because people are generally transparent, and had you not been projecting your best ideals onto you partner at the time, you would have seen the clues, if not blatant red flags about these irreconcilable differences.

Back then, all you really cared about was celebrating the 10 qualities youo found so exhilarating about your partner. They were so exciting, and you were so enthusiastic, that those other things just didn’t matter at the time.

Now that you are seeing things more clearly (because you hadn’t taken notice of those 10 things that are now creeping you out), you’re starting to think it might be time to cut run, and you might begin to notice there are other potential partners out there who do not have these 10 things that are gonna rub you the wrong way. Only, guess what? (Brace yourself.)

While that new prospective mate may not have these 10 irreconcilable differences, the fact remains, he or she will bring along his or her own set of 10 things that are going to infuriate you, as well as 10 things you will adore.

What will you do?

It’s up to you to decide what you want to do about it. There’s really no right or wrong way to handle this moment. If it’s not the first time, you can reflect back on how your precious decision served you.

In 90 percent of the time, when people have thought they could do better by ditching the present partner and switching to a new, more exciting partner, more often than not (as expressed to me in confidence) they regretted what they thought was a trade up.

What they realized was while the new partner was indeed exciting, complete with 10 new lovely qualities, he or she also came with 10 qualities which were often worse than the 10 irreconcilable differences that were traded out.

It’s impossible to see or imagine when you’re wrapped up in all the emotion of it, and you can only do what you can do, but when you realize you are where you are, take a minute and try to look at you and your relationship as if you were an uninterested (but compassionate) third-party.

What does it look like from this perspective?

What advice would you give to yourself?

Twin Flames vs Soul Mates

Let’s take look at twin flames vs. soul mates. Having been in the relationship business both privately and professionally, I do get questioned by certain folks about the differences between soul mates and twin flames. Some people believe they are the same thing, some don’t care what they are.

Soul mates and twin flames represent key players in your quest for personal growth, change, and evolution. While they are thought of to be romantic partners, they can be represented by anyone, such as friends, relatives, co-workers, authority figures, strangers, even pets and other animals can be either soul mates or twin flames. They can play their parts in your journey as transitionary or life-long in their influence and presence.

The basic difference between soul mates and twin flames is that the soul mate represents peaceful growth and the twin flame encourages awareness and growth via strife and chaos in your life.

Twin Flame

The twin flames in your life are those who are like a cosmic slap upside the head. They are attracted to you along your life’s journey to be the wake-up call alerting you that something unresolved stands between where you are and where you want to be.

As romantic partners, you are incredibly attracted to each other, and you let down your guard enabling them to reach the most intimate parts of you. Once they have full access to your treasure trove of highly guarded secrets and your most intense feelings they use these as tools to expose your weakest areas in life revealing where personal growth would resolve these issues and allow you to move forward on your journey exponentially.

The twin flame is the method by which the source of all life gets your attention by presenting you with your greatest challenges in the most sensitive areas of your life using pain as the catalyst to break your current state of consciousness, increase your awareness, and consider searching inside yourself for significant changes which can be made.

All this to permeate the defenses of the ego, which is likely your worst enemy when it comes to personal growth and expansion because the ego will always recoil, attack and blame anyone or anything that even hints at the necessity of change. The ego prefers the status quo and the maintenance of things the way they are.

More often than not, the twin flame(s) assist in preparing you for your potential soul mate relationship, for it is generally accepted that you will not be ready for him or her until you have been broken and open to this type of expansive love.

The twin flame is in direct contrast to the,

Soul Mate

The Soul Mate uses a different approach to encourage personal growth and change. Your soul mate is often regarded as your most highly trusted friend, and while they are present at the most challenging moments of your life, they are supportive, celebrate your strengths gently help you navigate, manage or grow beyond your weaknesses, and help you to find peaceful resolution amidst those most difficult times in life.

You may have many soul mates along your life’s journey. They could be found at any social station in the center, or beyond the perimeter, of your circle of influence, may have angelic attributes (many have entertained angels unaware), and might be disguised as your pet(s).

Romantically speaking, your soul mate is often sought out as your divine mate, the elusive “one” or “other” part of you. Your perfect compliment. Not perfect, as none of us is perfect and we never have it done, but perfect for you.

While difficult times may come, the soul mate works with you, not against you (as is the preference of the twin flame) to achieve a positive outcome or higher vibration, leading to greater success, happiness, and helping you to live a better life, your best life, and make the world a better place.

Be aware, while the fantasy of the soul mate represents a single entity, your life will likely be visited by many soul mates.

Since your life may be entertaining more soul mates and twin flames (the more resistant you are to accept the truth and making the necessary changes in your life, the more twin flames you will have), the painful truth is,

Twin Flames and Soul Mates Come and Go

When a twin flame exits your life, it is generally amidst a torrential and emotional storm which rips and tears at the very fabric of your being, exposing every sensitive nerve and ushering in a flood of every possible sensitivity and emotion you have in all its painful glory. And if you didn’t get the message, there is another twin flame en route to you following this one’s exit. This continues ad infinitum until you get it.

When it comes time for a soul mate to leave you, it signals a time in your life when your growth and expansion would better be served without this particular soul mate. These separations are usually the most tender and heart-wrenching departures, though there is a knowing that a greater good is being served by the distancing. This is often necessary unless the soul mate is a life-long one, be forewarned that if you hold on too tightly to a temporary soul mate, insisting that he or she be your life-long soul mate, the eventual separation may be much more tragic.

Twin Flame Transformation

In rare circumstances, a twin flame may persist in your life beyond his or her season and miraculously transform into your soul mate via the most amazing metamorphosis. And while this all seems so incredible at first blush, in reality, this person was your soul mate the whole time, only paying the part of the twin flame to get you to face your self and your inner demons to prepare you for the soul mate relationship waiting to unfold.

Love Talk

When you’re contemplating getting into a romantic relationship, you might consider having the Love Talk with your prospective mate, and if you’re already in a relationship and you haven’t had the Love Talk, yet, do it tonight.

Tonight is the perfect night to go out to dinner and have the Love Talk.

What should you include in the Love Talk?

Here are some ideas to include in your Love Talk tonight:

Where are we going?

Ask your prospective partner what he or she thinks this relationship is leading to? It may be awkward, but you should get your expectations about this relationship out on the table, and you want to know what your partner’s intentions are. If you can the two of you are going to be together, ask your partner, “Where do you see us in five years?” Then ask yourself as well.

What about the Benjamins?

Money is the number one reason relationships break down and fall apart. Talking about money issues at the outset of a relationship can help to avoid the pitfalls and incongruency about finances in the future. Know which money type you are and get to know about your partner’s relationships with the greenbacks. Don’t be shy about asking about bankruptcy, outstanding student loans, and other financial obligations.

Want to have sex?

You want to establish the parameters of your sexual relationship as soon as possible. If you are intending to be in a monogamous relationship you need to be open about this with your partner, and you both need to agree that your relationship is exclusive and includes monogamy. Otherwise, if no clear definition is agreed to, there is no injustice of infidelity if one of you engages in the sex act with someone else. Also talk about other things regarding sex, including expected frequency and fantasies (you don’t want to be surprised when your partner brings someone over to have a threesome). You want to be a match in the bedroom.

How are we going to communicate?

Communication, or the lack of it, is another leading cause of the deterioration of an otherwise healthy romantic relationship. Talking about how you might handle challenging or difficult conversations in the future can put you miles ahead of others who struggle to talk about things when the going gets rough. Create a safe process in advance. Make a plan that you can refer to in the event (when) the need arises to have an important but uncomfortable conversation.

What was life like growing up?

Talk about it now with your partner over dinner, or later in the therapist’s office at a high hourly cost, and possibly at the cost of your relationship, as the way we were brought up, our experiences with friends, relatives, and previous lovers, all have an impact on how we love someone else in our closest of relationships. Be open, compassionate, non-judgmental, and aware. This information can be invaluable in helping this relationship move forward in a positive energetic flow, or give you clues to seeing trouble ahead so that you can be prepared to handle things better if, and when, they come up.

Do you want to get married?

Knowing whether either one or both of you have a desire to marry someday can be important information to have early on in any relationship. Any way the balancing act goes, whether one does, and one doesn’t, both of you don’t want to marry, or both of you want to marry, just the establishment and knowingness of how it is can be extremely helpful. Even if it’s too early to know if you or your current partner are the participants in any given scenario, whether it includes matrimony or not.

You Know I Love You No Matter What You Do

The words we all need to memorize and speak to everyone as often as possible are, “You know I love you no matter what you do.” These words can change people and the planet we all inhabit.

How often do you look around and see what’s wrong with the world, what someone else is doing wrong, noticing things that just aren’t right, and you get frustrated?

You get acclimated to seeing things that are wrong at a very early age, when you were enjoying life, playing, having a good time… then all of a sudden, your parent bursts into your playtime and asks, “Did you do that?”

You could tell your parent was not happy about whatever it is. You didn’t do anything wrong, but your play did result in the thing your parent is questioning you about, so you nod your head and say, “Yes.”

Your honesty was rewarded by a scolding and you are promptly sent to your room. Your feelings are hurt because you didn’t do anything wrong, and you sense the injustice of someone you loved, depended on, cared deeply about, and trust is broken.

At the earliest of ages, you have become keenly aware that the world is a cruel place, full of people who may not be what you think they are, betrayal, and injustice, and you learn to lie, rather than to tell the truth, because you don’t deserve to be mistreated, like that.

Welcome to the world as we know it.

What if, instead, your parent said, “You know, I love you no matter what you do,” then asked you if you were responsible for whatever it was, and did not punish you for being honest?

What if, instead, your parent hugged you said, “That’s okay. I know you didn’t mean to do that. You were just going on about your life and having a good time. You didn’t even notice that thing. You are perfect, just the way you are. That thing can be fixed or replaced. You can’t. You’re precious.

“You know I love you no matter what you do.”

Instantly, your whole world changes.

The world at large changes, too, as you are offered this bit of love and kindness, instead of criticism or judgment, as the predominance of fear is replaced by the power of love, the whole planet is benefited from even the smallest act of it in the life of only one child.

What if that was the approach offered to many children? The impact would be exponential.

And it doesn’t stop there.

What if you were to apply this same concept to your partner? How do you think that might affect your relationship? “I love you no matter what you say, no matter what you do.”

What if you started treating your loved ones, friends and family the same way?

Try it at work…

You could go as far as applying this simple concept to every incongruent situation, circumstance, confrontation, situation, news flash, or negative thought with,

“You know I love you no matter what you do.”

Not followed by a, “but.” Just accepting that things are the way they are. The damage is done. You can’t go back in time and change it. You will have to fix or replace it, anyway.

You could go about the fixing of a thing, or scenario, and think of it as an upgrade, making it better than it was before, and celebrate the newness of it.

Or you could criticize and judge, just like you learned to, you were trained to do, and suffer the consequences of living in discomfort and keeping those around you in fear of not meeting your expectations.

For me and my house,

You know, I love you no matter what you do.

Getting Together in Love with Technology

When a couple decides to move forward and get together in love the relationship takes on a different look and feel. The relationship moves from dating to exclusive, from frivolous to more committed, from curious to loving, as the couple begins to get to know each other better.

In the digital age, contact can be more constant throughout the day which can increase the bonding between the couple, it also causes insecurities to arise because you cannot know what’s going on inside someone else’s head, and what goes on inside your own head can cause one to question the validity of your love. What about your partners?

Then there are your experiences… How will these affect your outlook on the possibilities for the success of this relationship? At every turn, you find yourself asking the internet for information and advice via Alexa, Siri, Echo, Cortana, or Google Assistant.

You want this to be a good experience, and you don’t want this to turn out like your previous relationships, the failed marriages any dysfunctional relationships of your neighbors and friends, and you would do almost anything not to have the kind of relationship your parents had.

You are going to take the extra time to make sure that this is the right person for you before you move into marriage. You do not want to be another divorce statistic, sot he coupling process is longer in the digital age and will likely include a trial run to test the waters prior to making a more solid commitment.

What starts out as sleepovers, turns in to spending more time at each other’s abodes, and may lead to one of you abandoning yours, as frightening as that might sound, as you move in together.

Living Together

In the digital age, most relationships test the relationship by getting to know each other better by cohabitating. You get to know each other better when you’re seeing your partner’s lifestyle around the clock.

What is he or she like when the evening tarries on and his or her energy systems begin to slow down? When he or she wakes, is enthusiasm abundant, is he or she bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, or is he or she barely alive and quietly nursing a cup of coffee for 57 minutes before uttering a word?

Since opposites attract, taking the time to see how someone lives, can help you wrap your head around the idea whether the sacrifices you might have to make to accommodate this person will be worth it, and while people can change, you know hoping for change, to accommodate your preferences may not be likely. Can you live with that?


Whether you’re living together, or not, it is in this coupling phase that you will get to know each other better. You will start to see each other at your best, as well as your worst, and you will have your first disagreement.

Depending on how much the flow of love’s hormones are in play will dictate the severity of this first challenge of real life, but there’s a good chance that you will make it through with the ability to arrive at an acceptable compromise or agreeing to disagree.

Be aware that conflict is part of the game, and without it, there can be no growth, not individually nor as a couple.

So, get used to the idea that there are going to be times when things get a little dicey, and look at these difficult times as opportunities to learn and grow together in love.

Disingenuous Lovers

Disingenuous lovers include those who are insensitive, having little ability to possess or share the heartfelt love that you might have, and will also include partners who approach love from completely different perspectives, these are the survivors, manipulators, and predators, among others.

With all the attempts to try to find a suitable partner who can love you in the very same way that you can love him or her, still there can exist an incompatibility in the type and style of love and loving which you share. Sometimes you discover yourself unequally yoked with a disingenuous or fake love.

Probably the most difficult part of finding a vibrationally matched lover, one that approaches the idea of love in a way that is harmonious with you, is so elusive, sometimes we just give-in, compromise, and accept what is more attainable, then work out the details later in the relationship.

The earlier in your relationship that you are able to identify the energetic love vibration which is incompatible with you, the better. Regardless of when the identification becomes aware to you, and you or your partner take the action(s) necessary to lead to the relationship’s cessation, the process of disengagement and disconnection can be quite painful for either or both parties in the relationship which has become unmanageable.

Insensitive People

Those people who are less sensitive than the rest of us, may have limited capacity for love and the feelings which are associated with love and romantic relationships. While they are able to connect to another person, their ability to connect is somewhat limited, therefore they are not easily hurt when the relationship begins to uncouple or fall apart.

Insensitive people are not bad people, even though they can easily be demonized when the relationship begins to deteriorate, and they are not as moved emotionally as the other partner might be. It’s easy to assume they don’t care, are mean, or evil, even though their motives may be absent of malice. Lacking in capacity does not make them bad people, it’s just the way they are.

This type of coupling, the sensitive with the insensitive, is not uncommon as in the courting process, these opposites are generally attracted to each other. Insensitive people can change and become more sensitive over time, but the sensitive partner cannot change them (so give up on any expectation that you might be able make him or her more sensitive, this is a solo part of the journey for the insensitive).


Survivors are those who will do or say anything in order to survive. This was a far more popular motivator in the acquisition of love and finding a suitable mate in our not too distant past. In a time when it was difficult for a single person of low or normal means there existed a great deal of importance focused on finding someone to cohabitate with or marry to prevent homelessness or being shunned by society.

Even though in modern times we embrace the idea of being able to survive (and sometimes thrive) as adult singles, there are still those who seek out a mate to enhance their ability to enjoy the basic necessities of life.


Manipulators take the idea of surviving to the next level. They desire not only to survive but to benefit greatly from their matchmaking efforts. They find suitable mates based on what they can bring to the relationship which is highly sought after by the manipulative love-seeker, who may also lean toward narcissism.

They have an uncanny ability to pour on the charm to persuade the object of their affection that he or she is indeed, “the one.” The answer to all your hopes and dreams in terms of love, and we all, regardless of our station in life, desire and long to be loved, therefore may fall victim to this type of manipulation in the courting process.


Predators are those who maliciously exploit the unsuspecting tender hearts to their benefit, using romance and the promise of love to defraud or abuse their love-prey for their own satisfaction. These are most likely the predatory sociopaths and psychopaths who are just out to exploit love-seekers for whatever they can get.

With the least ability to have compassion or feelings, they are especially gifted in their skills as users and abusers. They will only leave when your supply has been exhausted and you are no further use for them, or you have identified them, insulated and separated yourself from them.

Let ’em Go

Even though it can be painful and difficult to let the disingenuous lover go, let him or her go.

If your love is not recipricated and/or not a match for you, let him go. You are not obligated to stay in a relationship without love. Set yourself free and open for love.

Not to do so, is self-abuse and you have no one to blame but yourself.

Stay Open

Not to cast a dark could on your love seeking, because there are authentic genuine lovers who are perusing the landscape of people in search of you and your unique ability to love and be loved.

Stay open and aware that there are more people whom you are incompatible with than those with whom you are compatible with to varying degree in terms of your unique love vibration.

Don’t be in a hurry or try to rush things, as he or she may not be perfectly aligned with you at the moment. Your soul mate may be looking for you while in the process of working on his or her alignment, just as you are, in this moment.

When you are both a vibrational match, you will find yourselves looking into each other’s eyes.

I Don’t Want to Fake Love Anymore

Every once and a while I meet with someone who says something like, “I’m just not feeling it anymore.” They’re with someone who they once felt like they were in love with but nowadays, they feel like they’re just going through the motions and faking it. They’re uncomfortable and say, “I don’t want to fake love anymore.”

When you feel like saying,

I don’t want to fake love anymore

What can you do?

First off, you must know that love is a modulating frequency which goes up and down, in a constant state of flux. Just like the tide, love has ebb and flow. Sometimes it goes out and the beach is dry, other times love comes rushing in, like a flood.

It’s common to reach a dry spell in your relationship, when you’re feeling like you’re engaged in a false love relationship. Sometimes it feels like you’re faking your love for your partner, sometimes you’re wondering if your partner is faking his or her affections toward you.

One thing you can do is to ask yourself, “What does love mean to me?”

You’re entitled to have and hold your own definition of love. If you choose to believe that love is only that exuberant feeling of passionate desire, then that is your choice, and you will probably have a long line of successive relationships to capture and try to sustain that kind of love.

On the other hand, if you’re definition of love leans more toward longer-term relationships, you will recognize and honor love’s ebb and flow.

Let’s say you’re at your peak, you’re an Adonis or Aphrodite (which we all are, of course) and your partner has become slightly less desirable to you, no problem, there’s always someone waiting in the wings for their turn with you. Even so, you might consider the, “What if?”

What if something happened to you? What if you were in an accident, suffered disfiguring wounds (emotional or physical), lost your good looks, health, or fell ill? What then?

Would you want to be with someone who would stand by you no matter what because they love you, even if you’re not on your best game, even when times get rough? Or would you rather your partner seek out someone whom he or she felt was more desirable in that moment?

A wise lover gives the love he or she desires.

Can you prevent yourself from falsely loving someone else?

If you really want to love the person you’re with, then you just have to do it. Love your partner even when you’re not feeling it. Love is an energetic continuum of unlimited supply.

When you’re not feeling the love, fake it.

I know, you’re thinking I didn’t understand the question, but I did.

When you’re not feeling the love, engage in the activities, yes, go through the motions, acting as if you feel the love just as much as you did before. You can call it false love, or faking it, play-acting, or put any label on it you want, but something magical happens when you love someone in this manner…

Your efforts are rewarded with the feelings of love from the endless supply of love which permeates all things. Before you know it, as you act out your love in the absence of the feelings, the feelings begin to return.

If you keep doing those things that you did when you felt deeply in love, the feelings return and then some, opening the doors to new possibilities as you pass through thresholds leading to even greater love.

Or, you could just go find someone else and see where that leads you.

If you don’t want to fake love anymore, just go through the motions (not because you hate having to do it, but) because you love your partner, and the feelings will come back, and even more.

Loving How to Communicate in Love

Heartfelt communication can make the difference between sweet love and love crisis in love and romance. How you share those most important issues any normal couple faces amidst your love life makes all the difference in love and loving. How to communicate in love with compassion is the doorway leading to the next level in your love’s exponential potential.

Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt created a loving technique which helps you understand how to communicate in love and relationships called the Imalgo Dialogue or “safe conversation.” This is a process of moving through communicative exchange between two people which engenders loving how to communicate in love.

Here is a basic structure you can follow to experience what it is like to engage in the loving communication model.

Let’s say your partner has something important to say to you. If you want to use this safe conversation model to have a deeper level of connection and communication with your partner, oversimplified, it would go something, like this:

1. Tell me about it.

Allow your partner to tell his or her story.

2. That’s interesting. What else?

Now, you’re inviting your partner to delve deeper into their story.

3. How does that make you feel?

This is safely inviting your partner to share how they feel, which is often overlooked in conversation, unless it is exposed when negative communication styles erupt emotionally.

4. Is there more?

Let’s face it, we’re all a little protective about how we feel. This is a safely guarded spot in our heart, where we hide our feelings. Being invited by your partner to express any underlying, deeper emotion, is not only increasing your connection, it also enables you to examine and rationalize what might be underneath why you are feeling the way you’re feeling.

5. Let me see if I’ve got that.

This is when you restate your partner’s story, and how they feel about the issue at hand in your own words, trying to see it from his or her point of view, including how he or she feels about it.

6. Is that right?

This invites your partner to make any corrections to your attempt to understand his or her point of view. Let hi or her correct you, then repeat go back to step 5. Repeat as necessary, until your partner indicates that you have a good understanding of his or her perspective and feelings regarding the topic at hand.

7. Is there more?

This introduces a loop back to step 4 which might appear to be redundant but actually, your partner has often uncovered more about the topic of this discussion, discovered new information, and found links to other emotional issues from the past. There may be new information to share.

When all is said and done, you can lovingly let your partner know,

“I see how that make sense. And understanding that, I see that it could make you feel…” fully supporting him or her without interrupting, challenging, or judgment. This is compassion in action.

You can find out more about the Imalgo Dialogue in Getting the Love You Want, A Guide for Couples by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt.