Successful Love Relationship

While there is a high degree of focus on chemistry and compatibility in relationships these days, the work I do with couples seems to support the idea that the most unlikely matched couples can count their relationships among the most successful and long-standing, deepest loves by integrating basic characteristics into the existing relationship. This hugely supports the Love is a Choice concept.

First of all, if you’re going to have a successful relationship, you must be willing to set aside your “what’s in it for me” mentality. Your relationship needs to be based on mutual respect, support, compassion, and a sincere desire to grow and evolve yourself as you love your partner and augment your partner’s work to achieve his or her highest and best. If this level of love and support is reciprocal, your love will grow immensely in concert with one another, and you both will be able to share the best things this life has to offer together.

Your relationship moves from a me-based to a we-based foundation.

In a we-based relationship, you give more of what you desire to get what you want. It’s more about the giving, and the receiving is a natural result of your selfless benevolence and generosity.

When you first notice incongruency in your relationship, recognizing that something is making you feel bad about your partner, first look within yourself. Ask yourself, “What could this have to do with me?” If you can think objectively, searching deep within, you may discover what you are feeling is in reaction to something unresolved within you, or alternatively, you are more the source of your discontent than your partner by trying to impose unnecessary judgment of restrictions based on life experiences from your past.

In this respect, in a real relationship, your partner is a mirror, reflecting yourself back to you, enabling you to see glimpses of the deep work that might be part of your personal growth and evolution waiting to be unveiled and dealt with. This should be your first thought when sensing discord because, in an enlightened relationship, your partner would never seek to make you feel bad. His or her desire is only to completely love and support you.

Growth necessitates change, so don’t be surprised when you look back at the beginnings of your relationship and think about how your partner is not the same person you started this journey with. One would hope not. The changes brought about by your continued growth and change within the relationship should be cause for celebration, with the hope or expectation that tomorrow and the days and years that follow will lead to even more growth and change increasing life energy and mutual expansion.

Without growth and change, a relationship goes stagnant and is unsustainable.

Living in the now is an important key component in the most successful relationships. As in all areas of life, there will be ups and downs, mistakes will be made, challenges will arise, and unexpected circumstances will visit the relationship. As quickly as possible, retaining the wisdom from the experience, abandoning the past, and living in the present moment, is a huge factor in the most successful relationships. And for God’s sake, do not hold a grudge against your partner. Repressed dissention and/or guilt will drain the energy from your love. Left to spread, like a cancer, will lead to love’s death.

Like love, happiness is also a choice. Make opportunities to include joyous time that you spend together as a couple. Don’t resign yourself to being so serious that you do not allow time for fun. Find ways to incorporate laughter and joy into your relationship to help raise your love vibration.

When facing opposition, remember there is no right or wrong, as, in all things in life, there is balance. Your partner is entitled to his or her opinion, and remember that nothing in this relationship is written in stone. Something that is said, felt, or believed today is always subject to new information, seeing something from a different perspective, and/or personal growth. So, let it be and agree to disagree for the moment. Don’t let the differences come between you, rather celebrate your differences in the now, and wait to see what is birthed from the process.

If whatever you focus your attention on grows (and it does) then look for the good things in your relationship and focus your attention on these things. How can you celebrate all your partner brings to the relationship? Look for opportunities to express your affection, appreciation, and gratitude to your partner and remember to make time to communicate these things intimately to your partner one-on-one.

Be open and honest with your partner and be courageous enough to express your needs and concerns along the way in a safe and sane way, while allowing your partner the same sacred space for healthy communication along the way. Every couple will encounter rough spots, and when you do, do not let them come between you. Use them for constructive, creative forms of expression, and don’t take it personally if your partner needs to blow off some steam. Be prepared for it, allow it to happen, then after things calm down, revisit it and see if together you both can make some sense of it.

Love represents the most powerful energy in the universe. It is always there, waiting for you to access it and apply it, first to yourself, your relationships, then the world.

You have a very exciting love-filled joyous life ahead.

To Love Is A Choice

Love is a choice, unlike like a hole you fall into, though sometimes it’s that easy to fall in love. The problem with falling in love so easily is falling out of love can be just as effortless, even if it appears you’d rather not fall out of love. The love vaporizes before your very eyes, as you embark on a new quest to recapture the feeling of love again with someone else.

To love is a choice

Being in love feels good, no doubt about it. You might feel as though the fairy godmother of love has tapped you on the head with her magic love-wand and amidst all the glimmering fanfare you find yourself helplessly enveloped in love’s magical aura. Everything is right with the world and you enjoy all the bliss love has to offer.

As the effects of this hallucinogenic love dispel, you begin to see life and your love through more realistic eyes. How can something so ominously magnificent be so terrifyingly tragic? Last night you slept with a prince (or princess), this morning you woke up with a toad.

It seems like it was just yesterday when love filled the air and you could feel it coursing through your veins with every heartbeat. All you could do is think of your beloved. You wanted to spend every moment together, and when you were apart all you wanted to do was to be together, settling for texts and phone calls until you could see each other again at the next opportunity.

Now, you’re left thinking, “How’d I get myself into this?” or, “What was I thinking?”

It may not have been a magic spell you were under, but today you know, the feeling of being “In love” has flown, and you are left with this. What do you do now?

When all is said and done,

Love is a Choice

You choose to love, and mature love is accompanied by commitment.

You intentionally (consciously or unconsciously) let down your guard and allowed your instincts to succumb to the overflowing flood of Mother Nature’s secret love potion. A powerful hormonal cocktail of testosterone, estrogen, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, with a jolt of oxytocin and vasopressin to seal the deal.

It’s no wonder you’re not thinking straight,
you were stoned out of your mind!

Now, in this moment, on the other side of the intoxicating love-bender, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to walk away, to relaunch your search for true love? Or will you man-up (or woman-up) and move into a committed relationship, the stuff real love is comprised of? The choice is yours.

If you have made the decision to stay and work it out, the emphasis is on the “work.” It takes work to figure out how to manage a life together with two individuals who can be quite different, and if you are separated by gender, you are very different, indeed, for according to John Gray, men and women are from different planets entirely (men are from Mars and women from Venus). It’s no surprise that they speak different languages, and have different rights and customs which need to be managed and accommodated in an effort to have any hope of relationship longevity.

You may choose, if you are man enough (or woman enough) to see the bright side of your partner, his or her life, lifestyle, and outlook on life, as brilliant and charming as you did when you were overcome by love’s magic. Or, you can focus on all his or her shortcomings and flaws, thinking you in all your power and wisdom will be able to change, rescue, or be able to uncover some redeeming value in this (Frankenstein’s monster-style) animated piece of meat.

You can clearly see choosing to love and accept your partner just the way he or she is, is on one end of love’s spectrum, and that trying to change your partner to more your liking, is clearly on the other.

Both take work, though holding onto the hope of being able to change someone to your satisfaction may not be impossible (as in the Pygmalion effect), being totally satisfied with your creation, to recapture your initial love, and to expect reciprocation for all your efforts, is likely just too much to ask for. Even so, this requires enormous effort and more often than not, the anticipated reward is not achieved.

The relationship high road, is to commit to working things out as they arise, which requires an agreement by both parties to allow for a safe, tender, and caring environment where either can share his or her feelings openly and honestly, without threat of ridicule, thereby paving the way for the work necessary to be done. A delicate balance between give-and-take/nature-and-nurture, to achieve a respectable outcome of mature love between two people.

To love is a choice.

Will you choose love? Or look to find your elusive love elsewhere?

There is no right or wrong answer.

What is your choice?

Unacceptable Behavior Loss of Love

I’m Falling Out of Love with You

Relationships are not for the weak. At times you can get to that critical point in a relationship when you’ve lost respect and admiration for your partner due to something that has bubbled up to the surface. In the beginning, it may not have been a problem, but as time has gone on, it could have grown to the place where you might find yourself saying, “I’m falling out of love with you,” due to this situation or behavior.

What can you do if unacceptable behavior or something your partner is doing is causing your love and affection to deteriorate?

Maybe your partner is displaying behavior that is damaging to you or him or herself, such as being too stressed out, overeating, drinking, declining health, short-tempered, etc… and his or her continuing to engage in this kind of behavior is causing you to fall out of love with him or her.

Ask yourself, “Can I take another ten years of living life like this?” If not, it’s time to do something about it before it gets even worse.

You need to create a safe space to have a critical conversation. This is far beyond the frightening, “Honey, we need to talk,” but you need to try to make it as unfrightening as possible, and ask for a block of time that is about three times longer than you might need for this conversation, because you need to allow your partner space to reply and react.

Unacceptable behavior loss of love couple communication I'm falling out of love with you

Abandon ancient ideals about, “not going to bed angry,” or trying to communicate without putting your partner on the defensive.

Once you ask for a block of attention, your partner may want a head’s up about what the talk is about. Don’t give it up, stay true to having the physical and emotional space to follow this topic through to have the best possible outcome, especially if now is not a good time, and energy levels may be running low or are exhausted. Make sure you’re both as well equipped as possible mentally and emotionally (late at night, not a good idea).

Remember to support your partner as much as possible through this process. Recall all the things that are endearing about your partner, how wonderful he or she is, remember all the reasons you fell in love with him or her in the first place, and think about the things you would miss if he or she was not in your life at all any longer.

And preface any conversation with appreciation and gratitude before getting to the heavy portion of your subject.

Your partner is going to be defensive because no one does a thing unless they receive some benefit from it. At the outset, it makes perfect sense to him or her, and so he or she will feel justified in being defensive and fighting for something that provides some form of satisfaction or self-worth.

Remember that this person probably loves you and wants you to have the best relationship possible, so cut him or her a little slack by remembering this is who you fell in love with, while staying true to your position, and trying not to take it personally if your partner reacts emotionally in a negative manner. Don’t change your position or give in.

Besides fighting for the right to engage in the activity which has you falling out of love with him or her, they are likely going to counter-attack you with something about you which is disappointing to them, and the delivery could be harsh. This is a common self-defense tactic, so be aware and prepared for it, if it arises.

If you’re accused of something, don’t fall into defensiveness yourself, and resist the temptation to escalate the abrasion. Instead, respect and hold onto the accusation because it can be invaluable in negotiating an amazing breakthrough in your relationship.

When you’ve reached critical mass at this stage of your relationship and you can’t see yourself going on under these conditions, be honest and open with your partner and say what you’re feeling,

“I feel like I am falling out of love with you, and this is why…”

Then tell him or her. You might even add,

“If I’d have known this is how things were going to be, I wouldn’t have married you in the first place.”

This is about as grown-up a talk as you could possibly have, so don’t be afraid to say it like you mean it, and be committed to arriving at an outcome. Do not walk away from this issue until you get an acceptable answer.

This is a critical turning point in your relationship. Remember, this is the person you love, even though the love is waning at the moment, and he or she is not doing this as an assault on you. It is his or her issue, and you want to be as supportive and loving as possible throughout the process if you’re to have any hope of successfully moving forward in your relationship.

Seek to understand and arrive at a win/win conclusion, if at all possible. This is where the accusation which you filed away can come in handy. More valuable than a bargaining chip, this might be the key to arriving at win/win. Maybe you both can get what you want.

If things get too hot and heavy, and emotions are running high, take a break. Be compassionate with yourself and your partner. Try to avoid saying something you might regret. Allow time to cool down, re-center, remember all the good things, and re-engage when you are ready.

Infidelity Life After the Affair

There is no doubt, the hardest a challenge couple may have to face, is when an otherwise sacred relationship has been visited by an affair. While infidelity can come in many forms of infidelity, the most difficult kind of affair is that of sexual infidelity. Life after the affair can be uncomfortable and traumatic due to the severity of the breach of trust to the relationship.

If you ask a couple before an affair what might be the one unforgivable breach of trust in a relationship, the common answer is sexual infidelity. Yet, in so many cases, an affair is the gateway to a deeper an far greater relationship, resulting in a far more powerful and successful relationship.

Often, a sexual affair, or a wandering eye if caught early enough, is an indication that there is trouble in paradise. When one of the partners is turning their attention away from their partner, seeking some type of sexual attention, validation, or gratification outside the relationship, something is not right.

This is why it is so important to have a firm foundation of trust and openness in communication established within the relationship prior to any such breach of trust. In the best-case scenario, the partner with the wavering attention or wandering eye can feel as though talking about his or her feelings would be respected and safe within the sanctity of the relationship.

In the event that the moment of clarity came following the sexual act has taken place, then having the structure agreed upon in advance to fall upon as the basis of having such a critical and potentially volatile conversation has been agreed to by both parties.

Infidelity Life After the Affair

As humans, there is a primitive part of us which is automatically engaged when someone we’ve shared a sacred intimate relationship engages with another in the insertion of body parts and exchange of fluids. The initial reaction of rage is followed by a sense of being victimized by your partner. This is the natural course of human emotion; therefore, it must not be denied when this traumatic breach of trust is detected.

If you are the transgressor and have engaged in a romantic affair (even if it hasn’t turned sexual, yet), your relationship would be far better off and stand a better chance of recovery if you are the one to bring it to your partner’s attention.

While recovery following the discovery by a third party, or accidental discovery, may still find a way to recover, the path to finding the love in your relationship is closer within reach if you are the one to take the responsibility to deliver the news.

If you are not the one who has reached outside the relationship for sexual gratification, but your partner has, then you are entitled to the initial rage and feeling of victimization, but if your relationship is to have any hope of surviving you must find a way to keep your wits about you.

As soon as possible following the initial conversation, both parties would be well advised to avoid any good-guy/bad-guy, accusation, or placing of blame. Be willing to give up the idea that someone has committed an unforgivable sin and that the other party has been victimized.

The emphasis should be placed on digging deep within the partner whose attention was diverted outside the relationship to discover why he or she might be looking elsewhere for this type of attention or validation?

Also, look inside yourself. Is there something within you that may have contributed to the affair?

If you can keep your wits about you, and both parties are committed to resolving the issues which led to the affair or the wandering eye, then this work could be conducted with a successful outcome. Otherwise, it might be a good idea to enlist the aid of a third-party relationship coach or counselor to ferret out the details before giving up on the relationship altogether.

I have found it common for a wandering eye to be the symptom of many varieties of reasons, such as not feeling as though one’s creativity is adequately expressed or validated by his or her partner. A partner may be feeling as though he or she is not properly valued in the relationship, or roots of insecurity, abuse or sense of unworthiness could be traced back to childhood, which if known, could have predicted such a breach of trust.

An affair is the turning away of one’s attention from the partner to elsewhere. Now is the time to keep your attention focused upon each other, and when you feel the urge to turn your attention away, turn your attention back to your partner, and feel open, honest, and safe enough to mention it. Then look to uncover the why.

Digging down to uncover the cause can either be rudimentary or very messy business. Suffice it to say, it would be folly to insist that every relationship could follow a particular set pattern for discovery.

Being open, honest, compassionate, understanding, and communicative are the keys to the high level of love which is necessary to sustain a long, happy and fulfilling relationship surviving infidelity. Life after the affair can be extraordinary, and having survived can draw you closer than ever if you’re willing and able to do the work of love.

Money Types in Love

The subject of money is the number one reason for relationship breakdown and divorce, probably because how we feel about money is a microcosm of how we feel about the important things in life. Money is just an easier way to express ourselves, rather than to dig down and do the deep inner work.

Our association with money and our particular money type say so much about who we are and where we’ve been. Yet, here it is, out on front street, wreaking havoc in our most sacred relationship, causing friction between you and your partner.

It’s important to know first what type of money person you are. Are you a Money Spender, Money Miser, Money Slacker, or a Money Hater? Then determine which type of money person your partner is. If you both are completely different money types, not to worry, successful couples are often different money types. It’s not so much about your money type as it is what you do about it, and the earlier the better, in a relationship.

There is no judgment or shame about which money type you are. There is no right, no wrong, and the same goes for your partner. As you may already know, since money is obviously a big deal, you could do your best to adopt your partner’s money type for the sake of preservation of the relationship. While this is effective while you are able to manage it, it is stressful and adds resentment to you. It is a terrible burden to bear, and at some point, your money type is going to express itself in an unlikely manner.

It’s better to be open and honest about your relationship with money because it is not likely to change over time.

How we approach, feel about, and deal with money is not something that has developed suddenly overnight. Our money types are based on a lifelong journey and are intrinsically part of our personality and it is linked to our parents, how we were raised, and based on our experiences with money over time.

Money is a very intimate and sensitive part of our overall personality and likely one that you’re not comfortable about talking about. That’s why most couples avoid discussing the subject of money, or more importantly, how they really feel about financial matters. Even though it should be one of the most important topics discussed, especially prior to marriage.

And if you’ve waited until you are experiencing money conflicts in your relationship, it may be too late to do anything about it.

Following are the basic money types:

MONEY SPENDER

You gotta love the money spenders, especially if you’re in a retail business. They love to have things, lots of things, nice, new shiny things. They use money as a therapeutic instrument if they’re feeling a bit out of sorts, buying something new will make them feel better.

The downside is they are less likely to pay attention to their finances, over-finance, have excessive debt and file periodic bankruptcies. They’re more likely to overspend and buy things they do not need or will not use. They have the spending part down, not so much the responsibility piece.

MONEY MISER

There is no other more frugal person than the money miser, who counts every penny, tucks away money in savings and retirement, is likely rarely buy, but when they do, they’ve clipped coupons in advance or only buy items on sale, seconds or at thrift shops.

The downside is their relationship with money is based on fear and lack. Afraid that at any moment the sky will fall, and they would be devastated. They will often have barely enough to get by and satisfy their need to hide some money in savings and investments in the hopes that one day, they can retire.

MONEY SLACKER

The money slacker avoids anything that has to do with money at any cost. Doesn’t mind spending it, but rarely knows if they can afford whatever it is they’re spending it on. They avoid balancing their checkbook, opening or paying bills, saving or investing money is not on their radar and retirement is, “whatever.”

The downside of money slackers is that it’s hard to even have a conversation about money with them, and dealing with money issues is so far removed from them, that they’d rather do just about anything to avoid opening an envelope to expose a depressing bill. To the money slacker, discussing a budget is considered a brutal attack.

MONEY HATERS

Money haters think there is something inherently evil about money. Those who have it are money-grubbing mongrels, punishing, stealing and living off the blood of the less fortunate and poor. They are not likely to spend money on nice things and see nice things as trappings of the greedy and oppressive wealthy, or the wannabe. They’re more likely to give their money away to good causes or to someone more deserving than themselves.

The downside for the money haters is that there is nothing for them to fall back on and they’re likely to self-perpetuate their poverty, which to them, is likened to a badge of honor indicating selflessness and martyrdom.

As all successful couples know, love is not enough to sustain a relationship over time. You need a strong set of love survival skills to get from the initial feelings of falling in love to a successful long-term relationship shared by two over time. Talking about money, how you feel about it, what it means to you, and finding ways to compassionately understand and integrate a lifestyle that honors your partner’s money type, as well as your own, is paramount to a successful relationship.

Waiting for True Love

Sometimes when we’re in search of our significant other, life partner, or soulmate, we can get sidetracked by the part of the process which represents the time necessary for the (metaphorical) alignment of the planets.

When you are young and ruled by your biology seeking a mate to fulfill that part of your life’s calling to “be fruitful and multiply” Mother Nature is running the show on your behalf to accomplish her mission. At this point in your life experience, there is far less clarity in the definition of “true love.”

In those early days, Hollywood’s definition of true love is sufficient. Later in life (or for few of us, this can take place earlier in life), you can come to a point where you realize that Hollywood (who serves Mother Nature) has lied to you, and we understand that you are more than your biology and impulses wrapped in meat. And you look for a better idea of what true love really is.

From this perspective looking for true love takes on a decidedly different appearance. When once you might have been satisfied with aligning yourself with another person who satisfies your desires sufficiently, now your expectations take on a whole new light.

When you first start looking for love, you are much more spontaneous. You don’t realize how this relationship will affect your life, the lives of all the people around you, and the community or world at large. These concerns are not even on your radar, you didn’t even give a moment of thought to reflect on how this particular coupling might affect your whole world. All you know is that you are happy with the feeling of the moment and optimistically have a degree of faith in the hope that this will last.

After you’ve had some life experience (or possibly you realized this earlier in life), you realize that things often are not as they appear, and your expectation and desires are more advanced. Now, you know more about what you want and what you don’t want in a relationship, and you’re willing to relax, resist your biological impulses, and create the sacred space to adopt an attitude of,

Waiting for True Love

Waiting for true love will have you carving out the sacred space and allowing that very special someone to show up who is uniquely matched for you to walk into the future hand-in-hand.

There is a train of thought which insists that it takes a year for you to have a better understanding of what a person is really like. This may not have held much importance when your hormones were running amok, but now you know that in the beginning of a courtship (normally) people are representing themselves in the best possible light. Some of these people might be pressuring you to make a heavy commitment early on because they know that you might be able to see them for who they really are, which might make you want to avoid entering into such a high level of commitment.

So, now you take the time to wait for true love to arrive.

While you are waiting for true love you are more keenly aware and looking for indications that you might be fairly certain that your potential partner possesses certain attributes which you desire and are important to your survival as a couple into the future.

The most important key components to be looking for in a potential partner include,

Trust

The most important component to have which is the keystone on a successful relationship is trust. You must be able to trust each other. When you are together, you know you can trust each other. You are not suspicious of your partner, and your partner is not suspicious of you because you know you have each other’s backs. You are connected and committed to each other and bulletproof if your trust in each other is unshakeable. You know that if you or your partner says something, you can count on it, and you know that neither of you would do anything to compromise the sanctity of the relationship.

Going the Same Way

If you are to have a longstanding successful relationship, you want to feel as relatively certain as possible that you and your partner are headed in the same direction in life. You will want to understand what things are important to your partner, and you want to be transparent about those things which are most resinous to you. They do not need to be the same things, but they do need to possess a certain compatibility to survive your journey together into the future.

You want to be going the same way, because you don’t want to wake up one day to find yourselves far apart from each other, on completely different paths, if it is your intention to have a co-creative life with each other that can survive the test of time.

Love Each Other

When you love each other, you make each other the priority and you celebrate your union as an extension of your combined energies. Successful couples are not just the putting together of two individuals, but the synergistic coupling of two powerful individuals which when combined create a greater entity together.

When you’re not together, you still hold a high regard for each other and think of each other often. When you love each other, you accept each other’s wants and desires and support each other’s pursuits, and are each other’s best friends. When you are confused, challenged, feeling awkward, or uncertain, you seek out each other to share openly and honestly, and you feel confident that your partner will support you and have your back.
Couples who really love each other anticipate being together and seek to experience new things together and create memorable events which can be looked back on, like a trail of breadcrumbs that lead to your expanded love together. Your love for each other is witnessed by your family and peers, and they respect and support your relationship, defending your right to successfully grow and co-create into the future.

If you are expected to find this special person, you cannot let yourself be distracted by someone else’s bells and whistles, smoke and mirrors, and you can only hope to do so if you are intent and committed to the idea of,

Waiting for True Love

Your Highest and Best Relationship

Will you be able to aspire to embrace your highest and best relationship in love?

What does it look like to raise the vibration of your romantic relationship to it’s highest and best vibratory frequency which is the next phase in evolutionary love and expansion of two people in love?

Expanding love relationships look much different than their primitive ancestors, or traditional love models. While you might be used to the idea of a romantic relationship looking like a dance on hot coals, trying to find ways to have fun, entertain ourselves, seeking to find some way to attain mutual benefit for sustenance, all the while trying to avoid conflict and asking, “What’s in it for me?” This idea of our embracing an expansive love relationship seeks a degree of enlightenment which aspires to evolve into the highest and best form possible, unleashing our greatest potential.

Rather than focusing on the temporal or “feel good” sense of togetherness, your highest and best relationship is built on a completely different foundation. In order to imagine embarking on the journey to a higher and greater relationship, you must be able to connect to a higher power, which gives birth to this higher level of love that seeks not just to satisfy one’s desires but to grow, change, and evolve both as individuals and as a couple.

In this type of relationship, the onus is on the couple to focus on their own expansion, awakening, spiritual growth, and conscious evolution, a metamorphosis of the matrix which cradles the love relationship and imbues it with the ability to grow and expand above and beyond the possibility of what would be considered an ordinary romantic relationship.

Here, we take responsibility for upholding and empowering each other’s highest and best. I see in you all your strengths and your ability to be all that you can be, to exemplify all with which you have been endowed, your unique gifts and special abilities, to achieve and serve the greater good and the community at large and you see the same in me.

In order to make the leap from a primitive love relationship to this evolutionary expansive love relationship, a shift in mind and heart-set is necessary.

You must be willing to let go of the traditional ideas associated with love and relationships which you have been programmed to believe in, which are deceptive, manipulative and do not serve you in your highest and best form. You needn’t sacrifice to have love, or depend on someone else to experience love. You must find a place within yourself, where you, just as you are, are enough. You are love and you are worthy to receive love.

You don’t have to represent (or misrepresent) yourself in any way, except your most honest, open, and fully integrous self to be fully loved. No games, nothing to prove. Just to be true to who you are, open and honest about what you think and feel.

You, alone, are worthy of love and are an impeccable source of love and support for your partner (or potential partner). You come to the relationship fully empowered to bring it, in your highest and best form, without compromise. And bring it, you do, grounding yourself in your higher power.

As difficult as it might sound, imagine what it would be like to be operating at your highest and best, and start acting the part. Be an example of the kind of person you want to be, and the kind of person you would like your partner to be.

Will it be perfect? Yes, and no. No relationship is perfect and even in the best relationships, there exists nine irreconcilable differences (according to psychologist, Dr. John Gottman). More importantly you are a loving and compassionate mirror to your partner.

From your vantage point you can help your partner see what his or her shortcomings are, better than he or she could see him or herself. With love, affection, and careful consideration you can reveal those things which could not be seen from your partner’s point of view (like having spinach in his or her teeth).

You also maintain your individual voice. If you disagree with something, you love yourself enough to courageously express your thoughts, and you have the strength to draw upon from your higher power to keep you true to yourself, open and honest.

Your relationship is the safest, most sacred space you know of, where you feel safe and secure about representing yourself authentically.

Yes, you are strong and independent, but you also know that God has given you people you can lean on, depend on, and who were placed in your life for love and support. And only the strongest, most integrous individuals will be inclined to turn to these people, and ask for help or support, and you are open to receive whatever it is that they have for you. This is the way of your synergistic life.

The love and support you receive from your partner is a powerful sacred gift to help you achieve even greater heights in living and giving.

In your highest and best relationship, you move between autonomy and interdependence with ease.

And this degree of relationship need not be confined to merely romantic, as it is a powerful foundation for all relationships as you awaken, grow and expand in enlightenment.

Partners More Powerful than Solos

Even if you’re feeling like you and your partner are not on the same page, be aware that partners are more powerful than solos. Sure, you could go it alone, but your potential is far greater when you work together with your partner for your highest and greatest good.

Partners more powerful than solos

You are a living breathing expression of life and the most exhilarating part of life, that part which adds pleasure, value, insight, and wisdom is the area of personal growth and expansion. While society may not be up to speed in terms of growth and expansion (and actually spends a lot of effort and any means possible to distract you and keep you from even doing more than entertaining the thought of it briefly) it is the one thing that brings a sense of satisfaction, accomplishment and meaning to one’s life.

This journey starts from within, getting to know who you are, and where you fit in the grand scheme of things, then from this vantage point charting a journey to beyond, possibly where no man has gone before… This is the exciting journey of growth and expansion. Be aware (and if you’ve already been on this journey, you’ve already discovered and know too well) things in this life are often not as they seem.

One of the greatest qualities in life comes from sharing it intimately with another, and you’re fortunate to find someone who cares about you, desires you, loves and accepts you for everything that you are (and those things which you are not). What if, in the process of your personal growth and expansion, you’re feeling a less than comfortable distance growing between you and your partner?

This can create a conundrum which can be difficult to sort out. It could drive a couple apart, or it could cause the growing and expanding individual to recoil, to withdraw from his or her personal advancement in an effort to salvage the relationship for myriad reasons.

Relationship are a complex part of the expansion process because it requires not the growth of separate individuals to take place in lock-step fashion but the liberty and celebration of each participant to grow and expand at his or her own pace, with style and grace, in their own time and place in space.

This means focusing on your journey and keeping on track, while supporting your partner’s journey in his or her own way, which may look not much like the way you are growing and expanding, and that’s okay. Not only is it okay, but it is a cause for celebration.

There are three parts of a relationship. There is you, your partner, and the relationship. In the combining of two individuals together the sum of their parts should be greater than the whole. The greatest teams of all time are comprised of two very different individuals and what they create together is astronomical. This is what a successful relationship should look like.

Think about the successful relationships which have brought great things to the world, such as Ben & Jerry, Gates and Allen, Jobs and Wozniak, Page and Brin, Hewlett and Packard, and a host of others whose names could fill volumes of books endlessly. Andy of these people could have done something great on their own, but paired with a co-conspirator, supporter, and perfect synergy of push/pull magnetic balance led to a brilliant magnificence.

Think about it, if you and your partner are pretty much the same, one and one make one, which is not a bad thing. If you have trouble getting along with other people or have been in difficult relationships in the past, a little “it’s easier to live with myself,” (even if it includes someone just like me), might be just what you need. It’s comfortable and it will get the job done.

If you are quite different, the possibilities expand exponentially, now one and one makes eleven. The possibilities when combining of these two individuals can create a hybrid composite energetic chain reaction which far exceeds the potential of each separate partner.

Please, don’t feel frustrated to see your partner growing in a different direction, this is the making of the perfect energetic cocktail which can explode in the most meaningful and transformative metamorphosis, where you find yourselves working together in perfect synergy for impactful life-changing effect on those around you as well as the world at large.

You, as a couple, may not be satisfied with the routine of daily life and might be looking for ways to work together and make the world a better place, and with such zeal and efficacy that there is no way in hell that you could have pulled this off by yourself. Your relationship has expanded and exploded with a vitality and power that is nothing short of phenomenally miraculous.

And you thought you were getting frustrated about how your personal growth and expansion might be affecting your relationship negatively?

Stop looking at only the two parts (you and your partner), look at all three; you, your partner and the combination of the two of you in partnership, relationship. Step back and look at the possibilities of what the two of you could do together, what that could look like…

If you find yourself (either of you or both of you) faced with an obstacle or challenge, find a way to retreat into your inner counsel, inside yourselves and with each other in concert. This is a partnership and when the going gets tough, the two of you need to run to each other and find or create a way to slay the dragons or the demons who might be preventing you from achieving your highest and best.

This could be, and should be, a sacred union between two, a bond that cannot be broken.

Sure, it will take work. None of those famous partners would have achieved any success had they not looked adversity in the face, and struggled to survive and dominate over the challenges they faced, but they did it together.

And you will find or create a way to do so, together, arm in arm, you are unstoppable.

You got this.

It’s Too Late You Gotta Go

Even though my work with couples is highly restorative, there are times when either one or both parties have concluded it’s too late you gotta go leave the relationship. There’s just been too much damage, pain, disregard, betrayal, let downs or other water under the bridge. The trust has eroded, the love is gone, and there is nothing left to work with to build something new.

When this moment has come, one of the partners might be resistant to the idea of dissolving the relationship for good, but for the other partner, who is now exhausted from the constant destruction and rebuilding process in an effort to make things work, it is time to stop the madness and just walk away.

Not that it might not be painful for both parties, but when the pain of staying together outweighs the benefits and adequate solutions, growth and change cannot be embraced or applied over time, the energy it takes to maintain a successful relationship wanes over time.

One of the partners may protest and proclaim their undying love and commitment,

“But I’ll do anything”

In an effort to save the relationship, but it’s too little too late, there is nothing left to work with. If only he or she could have come to that conclusion when there was something left to salvage. And in many cases, a partner will offer up the “I’ll do anything,” plea to prolong a relationship but not the commitment to make the changes necessary to bring the couple closer together. If that is the case, then now, those words are meaningless.

How did we get here?

Sometimes even with the best intentions, two people can let resentment and emotional wounds build up over time. They just sort of gloss-over the hurt feelings and hide them away because they believe this is in the best interest of the relationship. Things just tend to go easier when there is no conflict. It’s easier just to let it go. But you’re not letting it go, you’re storing that pain away, building up an emotional equity that when it reaches critical mass will create a huge conflict in the relationship when it goes off, like a time-bomb.

There may have been things about your partner that you did not recognize (or did not want to see) in the beginning, or the honeymoon phase, of the relationship, but as time has gone on, these things have become more and more apparent, and it looks like there is little hope for change. These can range everywhere from annoying personality quirks to infidelities or harmful addictions, and could have been deal-breakers were you able to grasp the idea of their existence in the beginning. You might not have noticed them because you wanted to believe the best (which is true most of the time) or your partner may have hidden them and now you’re starting to see your partner’s true colors, and it looks like there is no hope for change.

Incompatible core issues, which may have been overlooked in the throes of love, may be a constant irritant, if not the destructor of a potentially otherwise successful relationship. These might be differences of religion, sexual appetite, recreational preferences, childrearing, money issues, work, and retirement plans, among others.

This is why we suggest digging through as many of these potential pitfalls before they become conflictive and barring their disclosure or appearance in advance, it is highly important to have a plan for having difficult conersations and potentially solving conflicts before they arise. If there is no such system in place, you have few (if not no) tools at your disposal for rectifying such opposing views and further deterioration of the relationship is the result.

Insurmountable obstacles and challenges may weaken the energy and resolve of an otherwise healthy relationship. Sometimes something can happen to a couple that rips at the very fabric of a good union, leaving only shreds in its wake, and the result is unsalvageable. Some of these issues might include significant loss of income or resources, change of life or lifestyle, major disease/illness, death in the family (especially a child), etc. While a truly synchronistically-empowered couple may be able to muster the strength to overcome such obstacles, it is next to impossible for a couple on the brink to survive such challenges.

Finally, after it all, one or both partners dies. Not in the physical sense, but more in a mental, emotional, or spiritual sense. They have given up the fight for what they want, let go of their passion(s) and/or desire for a better life. They have selflessly resigned themselves to a life of mediocrity, hoping for the best (an early death for either themselves or their mate). It’s sad but true. Although, in a moment of clarity, this person might awaken enough to feel like extricating him or herself from the relationship is the only way out of such a meaningless life.

These are a few of the ways a couple can suffer irreparable harm which has caused such damage to the relationship over time that it may not be salvageable. At any rate, the truth of the matter is,

It’s Over

The best you can do is to part ways with as much integrity as possible in the best way that you can, blessing your partner and hoping that he or she has a better life to live waiting for him or her. Retain the lessons learned, remember the good times, let go, and find a way to move on.

Is it really time to leave?

Love and Money

You’re in love and you must deal with the issue of money in your relationship because as we all know, according to attorneys, money issues are the number one reason that relationships fail.

When should you talk about money in a relationship? Well, certainly not on the first date, but as soon as you are pretty sure it looks like love is in the air and you’re going to be moving into a relationship, “let’s talk about money.” The sooner, the better; within, say, the first two or three months.

If you’re already in a relationship, the time to talk about money is now.

What should you talk about?

Over the course of your life, you have developed certain beliefs and ideas about money which are deeply entrenched in you. For instance, you either believe that money I generally in short supply and there is not enough of it to go around, or that money is energy, comes quickly and easily and is in abundant supply.

Beyond those, you might ask, “What kind of money person am I?” unless you already know, and what type of money person is your partner? You needn’t be of the same money type to have a successful relationship. In fact, it is likely that you will have a higher quality long-standing love affair with someone who is unlike you in terms of their money type.

Understanding this, and being respectful of your partner’s belief systems, you are ready to go to the next level of the money talk, which means being open and honest and disclosing your financial affairs.

It’s not uncommon for one or both parties to bring some debt to the table. This should not be a surprise. Full disclosure is important, or else it will be the focal point of conflict in your relationship which could have been avoided.

The largest debt coming into a relationship which can cripple a couple’s potential is student loan debt which can be 50 to 100 thousand dollars or more and can be manageable. So, get it out on the table and discuss it. There are some creative ways to deal with student loan debt, like student loan consolidation (look around, resources are available, such as www.consolidatecollege.com).

Another debt which is usually visited upon a new relationship (or a periodic challenge in an ongoing relationship) is that of credit card debt. It’s easy, depending on your money type, to rack up a sizeable amount of credit card debt. It creeps up on you and can quickly spin out of control becoming unmanageable. Non-profit and for-fee agencies are available to assist in consolidating your credit card debt so that you can get a handle on it.

What’s my credit score?

You should know. When you’re talking about getting serious get to know your credit score, and your partner should know about his or her credit score also. Each party should be responsible for his/her own credit maintenance. You don’t want to wait until you go to buy something to find out your credit score is lacking or has been compromised; then it’s too late. Stay on top of it. There are many online resources, some are free (or say that they are free, then lure you into a subscription, so be careful), some are fee-based. Find one that is suitable for your situation.

Be Proactive

By all means, do not avoid talking about money issues. Find ways to engage talking about money issues. Make watching a regular TV show about money issues, then talk about what caught your attention. Pick a book about money issues and read through it together, talking about it chapter by chapter, honor your love and your relationship by going through this process, even if it’s uncomfortable, but do something… anything! Don’t let this issue of money be the undoing of your relationship.