Cheaters Have Nothing to do with You

It’s easy to internalize your frustrations if you’ve been with a partner who has been unfaithful. Cheaters have nothing to do with you. If you’re monogamous and committed to someone who is a cheater, when he or she has left, you might start questioning yourself. “What did I do?” or alternatively, “What’s wrong with me?” amongst other self-deprecating questions. When the truth is it’s about the cheater, not you.

Cheaters are gonna cheat. That’s just the way it is. You can change a cheater, it’s just the way they are hard-wired. Can a cheater change into a loving, caring, monogamous, and faithful partner? Yes. But you cannot change them. Only the cheater can change his or her life that drastically. Nothing you can do can change them.

Your first instinct is to blame yourself because you lack the full lovingness for yourself, so you question your worthiness, as all your insecurities rise to the surface, making you feel worse and worse about yourself, while the happy-go-lucky cheater is off on his or her next conquest.

Nothing is wrong with you. You are perfect in every way, only you do not realize it or know that all the love you seek resides within you waiting to be set loose in all its power and glory.

Lacking this true love from within, you will submit yourself to the endless abuse of not feeling as though you are not enough, questioning your authentic beauty, or over criticizing your income, weight, choice of apparel, hairstyle, mannerisms, possessions, family, beliefs, or any other endless possibilities that might make you feel less than worthy.

The choices other people make, the things they do, have nothing to do with you. You are for more inconsequential in the lives of people who have little or no regard for you than you might think. People just say or do stuff because their lives have led them to say or do this or that. That is all.

If it wouldn’t have been you, it would have been someone else.

You are not responsible for the life your ex- has lived up to this point and you can never know what is going on inside someone else’s head or heart.

In most (if not all) cases of infidelity or the inability for someone to make a long-term commitment comes from a lifetime of insecurity, fear, and/or abuse, every detail of which could never be fully known by any other person.

It’s up to you to look after your own feelings and sense of worthiness. You need to not let anyone have control over how you feel. In this way, you can reclaim your power from anyone who has threatened your otherwise sense of wellbeing.

If you let others to be responsible for how you feel, you would be just like your ex- who is constantly needing someone else to make him or her feel good. And when you make someone else responsible for how you feel, it works, but not for long.

If someone doesn’t like you the way you want them to, don’t feel bad. Be grateful that you found out when you did, because it could have been much worse had your relationship been allowed to continue in its dysfunction.

Your value is not determined by anyone or anything outside of yourself. Your preciousness comes from the love within yourself. Allowed to grow within yourself your love can expand and overflow to others and the world around you.

Without this unlimited source of love enveloping you, the best you can do is to mitigate your emotional state, with all its contradictions and inconsistencies, the best you can by applying emotional bandages (other people and what they think of you).

You are perfect, with all your imperfections, just the way you are.

You were born in love, full of love, and worthy of love, for you (in your truest essence) are love personified. Even if no one else recognizes your sacred divinity, it still remains true; you are pure love.

You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone, ever.

You love yourself enough to walk away from any relationship which is not in alignment with your highest and best.

You and your love is all the love you need, and when the right person shows up with a vibrational frequency with is alignment with your highest and best, nothing can stand in your way.

Great love is on its way to you.

Romantic or Unconditional Love

Two people meet, fall in love, pledge their vows of love to each other, and live happily ever after. This is the romantic aspirations of most people who seek romantic love in the world today.

There are many forms of love which are active in our society. Love is used on a wide spectrum including many possibilities and representation. On one end of the spectrum you can love chocolate cake, and on the other, a desperate heartbroken young child can find solace in his or her mother’s embrace accompanied by the speaking of the words, “I love you.”

All love is good love and the more there is of it in our world, the better the world can be. For a moment consider there might be a difference between romantic love and unconditional love.

There is nothing better than entering a relationship in love with the expectation that it would last forever. There is an instinctual part of you that wants to go through life with someone by your side. Having to decide who that might be only once, sounds like a dream come true.

When you are attracted to someone or something, this is an expression of your flesh, creating a desire for it whether it be a particular type and color of a car or a prospective mate. Certain hormones create a chemical reaction in our brain which makes us love one thing over another.

The love chemical reaction fades over time and so do the feelings of love. That’s why your admiration of that new car is often replaced by resigning yourself to drive the darned thing, while you long for another car that is more appealing; one that causes your love chemistry to kick in. And so it is with romantic love.

Romantic love projects expectations on your partner. If they look and act in a way that is in line with your expectations of him or her, your love is sustained. If not, you are disappointed and may respond negatively, potentially giving way to disapproval or anger.

Unfortunately, romantic love is based on this expectation and the challenges you face with being shocked by the stark realization that the object of your affection has failed or is unable to meet your expectations.

Instead of fostering togetherness, as in the two of you becoming one, romantic love separates each of you into a my-way vs your-way opposition fostering a push-pull power struggle which can never be won.

Romantic love will have you endlessly attempting to make your partner fit your perception of how he or she should be based on your expectations, with little consideration for who your partner really is in his or her own natural state, or respect of individual potentialities which are yet to be realized.

Romantic love is perpetually fueled by fear of loss, which keeps you looking for clues of potential loss, and as a self-fulfilling prophesy, that which you seek appears, either by using your overactive imagination, or real-life circumstances, which you may have called into being by your fear.

Fear leads to disrespect, suspicion, loathing, and even hatred, when you are jolted into the reality that your love cannot be sustained by whom or what you believed could be trusted to fulfill your expectations of love. This dichotomy creates a violent cognitive dissonance which rocks your world and wreaks havoc on your emotional wellbeing.

Unconditional love, on the other hand, is quite the contrast to romantic love, in that there is no my-way vs your-way opposition keeping you separated. There is no right way, there is no wrong way. There is just you and your partner in love inclusive or all respective possibilities.

This is only possible by allowing true love to flow from the source of all life which does not impose expectations. This true love loves purely, without expectation. It does not look for flaws, nor does it seek to punish. Unconditional love loves regardless; no matter what you do or what you say.

Unconditional love can only be expressed if your heart is full of love for yourself, and to the degree to which you possess this kind of love for yourself, it can overflow into the life of your beloved.

Of course, in unconditional love, there will be differences which appear, but these are allowed to be expressed in love, and you may talk openly about whatever comes up in the contrast of your love experience with openness and honesty, allowing growth or allowing what is to simply be as you move forward.

You were created by this unconditional love source and the potential for it resides in every cell of your body. You can let loose this unconditional love and let it permeate you and the world which surrounds you at any time, if you can allow yourself to consider the possibilities.

Unconditional love is the most powerful force which can be wielded by any man, woman, or child and is more powerful than anything else. It exists in all life, everything, and without it, nothing would be.

God blesses all love unconditionally, from the romantic love looking to be negotiated and contractualized between two, and the unconditional love. Love is love, and everything is love.

God bless you on your journey in love.

Loving Upstream

Love resistance is one’s inability to accept and embrace the best things in life, the positive, powerful emotions, even rejecting them due to sensitivities to negative attachments from the past.

Fear will keep you anchored in negative emotional states because there is a feeling (albeit a false sense of security) associated with the belief that you can control the life which surrounds you with brute force. The emotions of fear are all in the domain of force.

In the realm of power, are emotions which are based in love. To hover among these emotional states requires letting go and allowing life to flow as you detach from expectations and grow.

You can achieve much in your own militaristic strength and understanding, but if you can lean not unto your own understanding, you open our life to new, infinite possibilities, allowing exponential rewards from far less effort on your part because you are operating in the flow of the power of love, in effect downstream.

Going with the flow, you travel much further with little or no effort. You must still be active and aware enabling you to simply maneuver your movement amidst the flow to avoid any potential resistance. You don’t have to be pushing to move upstream with all your might against the current.

If you are loving upstream, against the current, you will be unable to accept genuine love flowing from another. Your perception is clouded by fear from an experience from the past. You will be predisposed to suspicion of being love because love in the past resulted in pain.

You know you are loving upstream if you predicate any display of love with, “the last time.”

“The last time,” is an excellent method to support the survival of the fittest. We learn from our mistakes and protect ourselves from suffering a similar negative result by protecting ourselves with all our might upstream; against the current or flow of love.

Some examples might include, your partner asks you to put on your safety belt, and you resist because you’ve associated wearing a safety belt with being controlled of having the affairs of your life dictated by someone else in the past. You recoil with rejection, when your partner’s intent was to encourage you to be safe, as an expression of his or her love for you.

Other upstream rejections of another’s expression of love might include feeling assaulted when you are complimented. Feeling threatened if given an unexpected gift or shown some other form of generosity. Not being able to receive compliments because of either feeling unworthy or fearing potential manipulation. Rejecting intimacy because, “All you want is sex,” when this refers more to a past relationship, rather than reality in the now. And the list goes on and on, ad infinitum.

So you build walls of protection around yourself and push away any potential for love in fear, upstream, against the current.

Effective? Yes. Your highest and best method of living in the flow of love? No.

No wonder the search for love is so frustrating, even exhausting, when you’re attempting to achieve it with all your determined strength, loving upstream.

The Man Who Didn’t Believe in Love

There is a story told by don Miguel Ruiz in his book, The Mastery of Love about The Man Who Didn’t Believe in Love.

don Miguel Ruiz

The tale tells of a man who didn’t believe in love. By studying the love and relationships of others, even those long who professed to have longstanding, high-quality love affairs, deduced from the data he’d collected that there was no such thing as love.

He believed that love was like a drug which most people are addicted to. Once you’ve tasted of it, you must have more of it, and you might do just about anything to get it, even compromising your core beliefs, and denying your personal needs to get your addiction satisfied.

The man who didn’t believe in love gained the attention of many others whom he persuaded to subscribe to his point of view, “love does not exist.”

Then, one day, he finds a sad woman on a park bench, and asks her why she is so sad? She tells him she doesn’t believe in love, which piques his interest. She tells her story about how she once believed in love, married, went through all the motions to sacrifice everything for love. She took care of everyone, her husband, the kids, everyone but herself.

Now that the kids have all left the next, she and her husband discovered they had nothing in common. No love. Not even friendship remained. They divorced and went their own ways because nothing remained or survived their marriage.

She was left so terribly alone, with nothing to fall back on, because of her sacrificing everything for the relationship, as she awakened to the idea that there was no such thing as love and her life was wasted on forcing herself to propagate the idea of it.

This woman and the man who didn’t believe in love became friends. Their relationship was something special. Since they never believed in love, they became the best of friends, drawing ever closer together out of mutual respect for each other. They didn’t hold unreasonable expectations for each other, allowed each other to do whatever they wanted to do, together or apart, and they began to grow closer to each other trusting each other impeccably.

One day the man is walking through the park and he quickened by the thought that maybe love does exist, only maybe it’s not what everyone thinks it is. Maybe, just maybe, the relationship which he and this woman are sharing is love. It certainly feels more authentic and true than any other representation of love.

He and the woman are now living together, so he goes home to tell her of his epiphany, and she intimates that she had the same thought, only she was reluctant to say anything because he didn’t believe in love.

Then, one day, the man is walking alone at night with his heart so filled with love, looking up into the star-filled sky, a miracle happens. The most beautiful of all the stars descended. Floating down from its home in the sky the star sets itself gently into the hand of the man, then another miracle happens. The star’s light sends a beam into the heart of the man, and the man feels more love than ever before.

With his heart so full of love, the man rushes home to tell the woman of his miraculous discovery.

He tells the woman of the story, and so filled with love, excitement, and a yearning to share his love with the woman so she, too, can share in this experience. He places his star in her hands. Overcome by the magnificence of the star, still, the woman wonders if it could really be true?

In that moment of doubt, the star slips from her hands, falls to the ground, and is shattered into a million pieces.

Now there is a man who wanders the world who doesn’t believe in love, and a lonely old woman who had a chance to have all the love which could ever be imagined, if not for one moment of doubt.

I refer to this story often, as I can relate to it so well and so can others who hear it.

If you’re wondering wht the moral of the story is, you should pick up a copy of don Miguel Ruiz’ book, The Mastery of Love.

I need your help. What should I do?

“I need your help. What should I do?

“My boyfriend keeps challenging everything I say. I feel like I’m being interrogated all the time. Always feeling like I’m being accused of lying, and every time he asks me for personal information. I answer him generally, which would satisfy anyone else I know. Then he asks me for more details and tells me to prove it.

“I feel like I’m always getting the third degree, having to explain myself in explicit detail about personal details of my life is very intimidating. I am exhausted and confused. As he keeps pounding me for more details of sensitive subjects and keeps demanding I provide him with proof and documentation.

“If I try to avoid submitting to his demands, he accuses me of hiding something. When I ask him why I would lie to him? He says he never accused me of lying, which is true because he’s never used the word. Still, it feels like he’s constantly accusing me of lying, even though he never used the word.

“I think he is a good person. I think I love him, but I’ve never been treated like this before. What should I do?”

Signed, “Dazed and Confused.”

Dear Dazed,

First off, “boyfriend” signifies a romantic relationship and as you say, “I think I love him.” If your foundation is built on love, a key ingredient of love is trust and it goes both ways. Without trust, there can be no love. Not knowing all the details of your relationship, at first glance, I think I could confidently assume, at the very least, your boyfriend does not trust you.

Since you can never know what’s going on inside someone’s head, one could only speculate why your boyfriend might feel the need to submit you to this kind of psychological pressure.

There is a full spectrum of possibilities which range from insecurity to psychopathy.

In lieu of seeking out a professional or relationship coach to dig deeper into your boyfriend’s need to treat you like this, you might want to ask yourself if this really is the kind of person you might like to spend the rest of your life with?

Not that anyone is suggesting that you think about marrying this person, but you have to ask yourself why you might let him treat you like this?

I think most people would agree this would not be considered as “normal” behavior, although as society becomes more digitally accessible, it is becoming normal to perform a Google search on a prospective mate, and maybe even do an electronic background check before getting too serious.

If you’re looking at cohabitating or getting married, I would suggest a full financial disclosure before intermingling financial affairs.

When you feel like you’re being intimidated or interrogated, you have to decide for yourself if this is a healthy way for someone to treat you. You’re the only one who can determine whether this is appropriate for you, or not.

This is why we date people, to get to know them better. There’s a good chance that people show you the kind of person they are at the beginning of the relationship, in the “getting to know you” stage. There is a tendency to overlook such things as we are overwhelmed by the possibly achieving a true love romance.

Fortunately for you, you have the keen sense of awareness to see your boyfriend’s inquisitive nature, without being blinded by your desire to find true love.

You might also ask yourself, “Can I trust him with all the intimate details of my life?” before you reveal any more. Is he telling his friends about your answers? Is he talking behind your back, or acquiring data to be used against you later?

It’s up to you to decide what is best for you, and while there are many options available to you, you can relax enough to assure yourself that all these things work out for your best interests. Whatever you decide to do, or not do, with this man will be right for you.

Interacting with someone places you in a vulnerable position, which indicates your willingness and ability to love. For this, you can be applauded.

There is no one-way to be, and there are too many variables to come up with a hard-and-fast concrete set of rules which can be applied to every situation because when it comes down to it, we’re all different and people are not statistics.

Your boyfriend might not be ready, or able, to enter into a truly loving relationship at this time.

Know that there is nothing wrong with you. You are not broken.

My wish for you is that you find all the love you are looking for.

Any Other Advise for Dazed?

Comment below…

You Never Do Love Wrong

When you’re in love, everything is connected and perfect. Nothing bad happens. You never do anything wrong, and everything happens at the right time, even if it doesn’t look or feel like it at the time.

Your love life, as challenging as it might be, is perfect in every way. You might not be able to see it from your current vantage point if you are young, or do not have a long succession of love experiences to evaluate, but there is nothing wrong with you or your love life.

It’s easy to look at the past, or your current love cycle, and feel like your love life is a complete failure, or feel like giving up on love at all, because of some enormous loss or crisis. It’s no surprise that many of us suffer from different forms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from falling in love.

Even when you feel everything goes wrong and is not working out the way you had planned, you let the current state of affairs overwhelm you, when in reality something far more divine is at work. God is readjusting your life for a far better life which is waiting for you.

When you are on a path which is far from where you need to be to have access to all the best things in life, then it takes a massive change to put you in the proximity of all that awaits your arrival. God, your angels, even your higher-self knows this, but it’s so hard to see from your vantage point fighting your battle for survival on the front lines of everyday life.

Even when your plans are not going the way you want, I am reminded of a wife who wanted desperately to leave her husband but was unable to break free. She spent many years planning to leave but (for whatever reasons) was unable to execute her plan. She spent two years feeling as if she’d let herself down, subjecting herself to self-inflicted abuse.

Then, she was hit by personal tragedy, which after taking care of details, the crisis was dealt with, the relationship dissolved itself, and she obtained the independence she sought, in even greater detail and abundance than she could have imagined two years earlier. Now, she enjoys the life she longed for.

There was a higher agenda, a better plan. Had she only been able to see it, she could have relaxed, even enjoyed the ride, until everything fell into place in the most divine manner. Could you agree, that even if she could have not been able to see it, she might have been far better off, relaxing and allowing the desires of her heart to unfurl naturally, the way God intended?

Often, when you resist God’s ability to navigate for you, your resistance not only delays arriving at what you want, you may find yourself headed in the opposite direction, initiating a full difficult set of life circumstances, which could include dire results, followed by a period of recalibration to get your life back on track.

Regardless of whatever apparent complexity in romance is presenting itself to you, know that nothing happens by accident or coincidence and every frustration, challenge, or upset is training you for a future opportunity or redirecting your path for a far better outcome.

Resistance will only hinder your progress and possibly cause you unnecessary delay, pain, or suffering.

No need to worry about how things are going, everything has led to this moment, and after all, love is all there is.

Relax, and go with the flow of love, without regrets, only gratitude, and even more love.

See: Love’s Prayer for You

You can’t expect someone else’s love to make you feel loved

You can’t expect someone else’s love to make you feel loved. When I see a friend, or love and romance client place so much emphasis on feeling loved from someone else, I can’t help but see trouble ahead.

You know how it goes. These are the kind of souls so dependent on receiving validating love from another person that they feel desperately alone, with declining self-worth, when they’re not feeling deeply connected to someone else.

When they’re in love with someone, their whole life centers around the object of their affection, which is glorious and feels so real, while things are good. When things are bad, they are the worst, and when the relationship ends, it is devastatingly tragic.

I’m no stranger to this type of love which is both selfless and selfish at the same time. I loved like that. I didn’t know there was any other way to feel loved, except to feel it from someone else.

It wasn’t until I learned to find the source of my love within that I came to know that true love originates within my heart and spills over to those around me. It’s a completely different approach to love.

Now, when I see people struggling with seeking love from outside themselves I can empathize with them and support them in the best way that I can while they continue to ride the love rollercoaster of their own making.

Not everyone is open to the idea of finding the unlimited source of love which when it is discovered, you realize that it has been there all the time, though this has been hidden from you all your life. So, it’s somewhat of a shock when you discover it.

It shakes up everything you know. Most people are just not able to conceive of such a concept, so they remain in their self abusive cycle of seeking love from someone or something outside themselves.

To say, you can’t expect someone else’s love to make you feel loved, is not completely valid because being loved by someone else does make you feel incredibly good. Not unlike the high from using cocaine. It’s no surprise how addicting it can be.

It’s choice, one you must honor. Be there to rejoice with them when they are in the throes of love. Support them, letting your love spill out over them when they need it, when it all falls apart.

You can’t expect someone to understand a concept which is completely foreign to them. To try to explain the idea of loving yourself and having unconditional love for others, you might as well be speaking a different language. They are unable to hear you.

This concept is so wildly opposed to anything they understand about love, it is just not within their reach. And I understand because I was there, too.

It takes a great deal of personal, deep inner work, to get there, but it is so worth it.

For those who are open to the idea, whose hearts are fertile ground for loving at the next level, Awakening to True Love is there for you to explore the possibilities.

Exponential love, personal growth, and expansion awaits those who dare to love completely in an entirely new way.

Love and the Past

We are all haunted by the demons which haunt us from our past. As much as we try to do our best to move forward to enjoy the best things in life, without victory over the past, the issues which we hold close to our hearts, those things which we have loved, lost, and hurt our feelings continue to haunt us.

Being a victim of the past disempowers us and gives the power we could potentially wield to those people, situations, and circumstances which overtake our attention, preventing us from enjoying to the fullest the best things this life has to offer. Left to themselves, this unresolved trauma can overtake you and ruin any possibility of having any hope of experiencing prolonged joy.

Relationships trigger these memories and the emotions connected to them, bringing them to the surface, even if we’re unaware of what’s happening. Unless you know this is what’s happening, it could have a negative impact on the relationship.

If you can look at this as a gift from God, as a way to bring our hidden emotional demons to the surface so we can deal with and exorcise them, then it will not seem so much like a curse or irrational pain on the loose.

Left unresolved, issues from your past will continue to appear affecting the lens through which you see life and all relationships. Therefore, if you have unresolved issues with a parent (could be anyone or any experience from your past) which you’ve pushed down way inside and may not even be conscious of, this will color intimate relationships as you are given the opportunity to deal with those issues which do not serve you.

Ignored opportunities will look as though you are overreacting to something that would otherwise be perceived as a minimal challenge, insignificant, or benign. Yet, here you are, all emotionally charged up, being ruled by the very thing which needs to be brought up and cleared.

We are all triggered and react in different ways when this opportunity presents itself.

This is God’s invitation for you to deal with and heal hidden or ignored trauma from the past. Without this natural mechanism of using relationships to allow unresolved issues from the past to appear, you would forever be a victim of the past.

God wants you to be free, to enjoy life, and have victory over the past.

To have victory over the past you must be brave and courageous to face the virtual demons of the past that haunt you.

It’s not enough to ignore the past and pretend that it just didn’t happen. This will only allow those issues to slowly eat away at you, robbing you of joy, promoting the deterioration of your immune system leading to disease and advanced aging, even premature mortality.

Some of the trauma from the past will have you seeing yourself vulnerable and a potential victim of abuse from those who are closest to you when no threat is actually present.

7 Phases of Love

You may also have feelings of fear, unworthiness, feeling as though you cannot be truly understood, disrespected, feeling as though you are being unjustly criticized, and the inability to trust other people. You are easily offended and are poised to defend yourself, always on the alert for some potential threat.

These are just a few of the signs that may be calling you to look within, especially if it appears to be a reaction which might be considered excessive based on the facts when viewed objectively.

When they appear, have the courage to look inside. The feelings you are experiencing may not have anything to do with your partner (though admittedly, it may feel like it at the time), it may be an unresolved issue from your past begging to be unearthed and set free.

Love brings these things to the surface, and love is the key that unlocks the trunk where all the things holding you back are contained within.

If you do not take the opportunity to deal with these issues, you are likely to project them on your partner and your potential for true love may not be recognized or available to you.

The good news is that love is never failing, and you will be presented with another opportunity to deal with these issues when the next opportunity for love arises.

Shocked By Your Partner

What do you do when someone you entrusted your heart with turns out to be a different person than he or she represented himself or herself as when you trusted him or her with your heart?

This is a tender and sometimes shocking moment of truth, when you realize that your partner is not the person you thought he or she was.

First of all, do not discount your feelings. You feel the way you’re feeling about this realization, and you, or anyone else, has no right to disrespect what you are feeling. Even when you’re processing ill feelings about this current stage of your life, try to keep your wits about you.

Try to avoid striking out at your partner with an emotional outburst. If you can’t help it, no one would blame you. Resist the urge to blow up in rage, and hurling negative projections, which you may feel obligated to apologize for later, and begin your review process, as soon as you are able to find the space to think as possible.

Remember, this is someone you love. Unless you’re dealing with a psychopath, this person with whom you have trusted your heart, would not do anything to hurt you, because he or she does love you. It’s just that in this moment, his or her love for you looks differently than what you expected.

You build a vast array of expectations which represent what you expect your lover’s love for you to look like. When you see expressions of love which are contrary to what you expected to see, you feel like you’ve been assaulted, and the emotional impact is tragic.

Nothing wrong with having expectations and being deeply attached to them, this is completely normal and natural, but realize,

Your partner wouldn’t do anything to hurt you.

Up to now, your life has been full of experiences which have culminated in the person that you are in this moment. You’ve faced certain situations and circumstances throughout your journey and you’ve dealt with them in the best way that you could have in the moment.

Every one of those experience has left a residual energy inside of you, whether the experience resolved graciously or tragically. No matter how you’ve managed your life in the past, the truth is, you did the best you could have in that moment, with what you had to work with at the time.

This is your journey.

Just as you are on a journey, so your partner is on his or her own journey, and is a collection of his or her experiences up to this moment in time.

When your partner surprises you with his or her doing the best he or she can with what he or she has, it can sometimes be disturbing and shocking. No one would blame you for being taken aback by this unexpected reveal.

In your attempt to rationalize and figure out why he or she would have done this thing which has captured your attention, consider that while your partner loves you deeply, he or she is just doing the best that he or she can with what he or she has moment to moment.

Sometimes, a person does something that has nothing to do with you, but it feels as though it is a personal affront, or outright attack, focused at you. Even though, in real life, any thought of you was not present when this event happened.

You’re upset because you feel like every moment of your partner’s life should be viewed through your consciousness. You think this is a fair expectation because it feels like everything that you think, say, or do, is run through your partner’s consciousness, even though you know that to do so would be impossible.

Sometimes you will react to life circumstance and in the moment of impact you respond intuitively or instinctively without first considering how your reaction will affect your partner.

If you’ve reacted to something life has presented you with, and your action or reaction triggered your partner or caused him or her to be shocked by your response, how would you like him or her to respond?

You would feel bad for hurting your partner’s feelings and you would be apologetic because you wouldn’t have done anything intentionally to cause your partner pain. You were only doing the best you could do with what you had in the moment.

Consider why your partner might have felt like he or she had to respond in the manner which has surprised you and captured your attention. After all, he or she has lived a whole life which has led him or her to this moment.

Try to imagine what it might be like to be your partner, living his or her life up to this point, and ask yourself what he or she may have experienced in the past which has cause him or her to have such a reaction today?

Often when these situations and circumstances who up in life, it is grounded in a hidden set of programming which has built up from the past. Sometime very early in life, early childhood, and in many cases, the person who is reacting has no idea the reaction is energy recoiling off a childhood memory.

Find a place of compassion and empathy for your partner when you are surprised or shocked, even if you’re the victim of his or her abuse. But if you’ve been abused, take action to stop the abuse, because you never have to submit to being abused by anyone.

Love your partner but look after yourself.

After all, we’re all doing the best we can with what we have.

What Is Your Love Language?

When you express your affection to someone, you possess a certain style and method for communicating how you feel. Likewise, your partner has a particular method of expressing him- or her-self. Both of you also have certain expressions which you are particularly fond of that make you feel as though you are deeply loved. This method of giving and receiving love is a form of communication referred to as your “love language” as coined by author Gary Chapman.

What Is your love language?

Gary Chapman

In Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, he delineates five different communication methods or styles of communicating love. By reducing these into five basic categories, you can easily determine which love language(s) you and your partner are most aligned with.

According to the author, everyone has a primary and secondary love language. Most people tend to express their love for their partner using their own love language. If getting a gift from someone make you feel loved and cherished, then it is highly likely that you will express your love to your partner by giving him or her a gift because Receiving Gifts is your primary love language.

What if your partner’s heart speaks a different love language?

Here is the rub: You buy your partner gifts because this is meaningful for you but your partner’s heart speaks an entirely different love language. No matter how many gifts you give your partner to express your affection for him or her, while appreciated, your partner is not receptive to the sincerity and tenderness of your love’s message.

Learning what love language your partner’s heart speaks is a highly regarded tool for effective love communication.

Let’s take a brief look at Chapman’s five love languages. They are:

1. Words of Affirmation

If your partner’s love language is Words of Affirmation, his or her heart responds to certain spoken and/or written words which make him or her feel loved and appreciated, such as, “I love you,” “You are amazing,” “You look sexy in that outfit,” or, “I am so proud of you.”

Different words of affirmation work best for different people. What might be seen as a compliment to one person might be seen as offensive to the next. Taking your time to do a little research to find out which words and phrases your Words of Affirmation partner responds best to is effort well spent.

2. Quality Time

If your partner’s heart responds to Quality Time, he or she will revel in spending private and focused one-on-one time with you.

Could be anything from a quaint dinner out at a restaurant with enough privacy to talk and gaze into each other’s eyes to sitting on the sofa with the TV turned down and phones silenced, having one-on-one time. Attentive listening to your partner and giving him or her the uninterrupted space to express him-or her-self wile you look into his of her eyes and listen attentively could be done anywhere, anytime, if he or she is receptive to this type of loving communication.

3. Receiving Gifts

If your partner’s heart responds to gifts, keep in mind that they not all be expensive gifts. Simple gifts are just as meaningful, if not more so. A handmade card, presenting a freshly picked flower while taking a stroll with your partner, or giving your partner a monetary gift that he or she can contribute to his or her favorite charity.

Those who are prone to receiving gifts as a sign of being loved and cherished will desire a little something-something in between holidays to feel deeply loved. Fortunately for you, they don’t have to be expensive, only meaningful to your partner.

4. Acts of Service

Acts of service are those things that you do which make your partner feel loved and adored. Like all love languages, you will need to find out which specific acts speak to your partner’s heart.

Simple acts of service could include volunteering to perform a chore which your partner normally accepts as his or her responsibility, detailing his or her car, or joining in an activity your partner is engaged in to show love and supportiveness. Pretty much any assistance you can offer to “lighten the load” of any responsibility he or she might have would be particularly endearing to the Act of Service lover.

5. Physical Touch

People either like being touched or they don’t but if your partner’s heart longs for physical tough, then by all means, reach out and touch him or her, even if you are one who doesn’t like to touch or be touched.

Simple touching can be just holding hands in public, a little foot-play under the table at dinner, putting your hand on his or her arm or leg while deeply connecting in conversation or listening will go a long way with someone whose love language is Physical Touch.

Of course, sexual intimacy is assumed in the language of Physical Touch, but it need not be the primary form of communication to express sincere love.

For more information, check out The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

What is your love language?