Six months ago, a business consulting client of mine comes in for his regularly scheduled appointment and says, “I almost married a Mexican hooker!” I think he gets the award for the most shocking opening line. If that doesn’t get your attention, I don’t know what does.
As a business consultant, coach, and counselor, if you are worth your salt in this line of work, your intuitive resources are vast and you’re able to shift your focus quickly and precisely or be able to call in backup in a heartbeat.
In this circumstance, I was able to shift gears and swap hats to help my client navigate this drastic distraction from his forward momentum focused on his track of personal growth and business success.
As a business consultant, I was casually aware of James’ engagement to Maria, and they have been cohabitating for a year since becoming engaged. He had also mentioned before that communication between him and his betrothed was periodically complex due to English being her second language. He had intimated those misunderstandings were commonplace and she would get upset and react negatively once she had misunderstood what he had said.
After a while, James would be able to explain what he had meant to her satisfaction and she would drop her defensive attacks, but bring them up amidst later complicated entanglements where details lost in translation were seen as attacks on Maria’s unquestionable character.
One day, about three months earlier, his brother saw Maria leave her car in a restaurant parking lot and get into another car driven by a man. James’ brother felt uneasy about witnessing this event that his intention was to follow her in this car to see where she was headed but lost them at the traffic light.
Still feeling uneasy about the situation, he told James about what he had seen. James thought he had felt a mysterious disconnection in their relationship, so he had decided to hire a Private Investigator. I was not aware of this chapter taking place as James and I were focused on his buying another business at the time. This says a lot about his ability to move forward even when facing an otherwise distracting time of life at the same time.
He said that he felt he could release the pressure of worrying about the situation by hiring the PI, and that was his intention for just hiring someone else to deal with it. If it turned out to be nothing, no problem. If it ended up being something to be dealt with, he would tend to it when it came to light. (Had he asked me, I might have advised against hiring a detective, as I am of the opinion that it should be a last-ditch effort, not the first line of defense.)
It turns out his brother’s concerns were warranted, but she was not having an affair. This was not a boyfriend. No, he was one of a long line of casual sex partners that she was servicing throughout the week for over a year. Two to three times a week Maria would have them pick her up in an agreed-upon public parking lot and return her to her car after the deed was done (which usually took about an hour and a half). Most of them were one-time-only clients.
According to the investigator, and unbeknownst to James, Maria has two high-functioning cell phones to conduct her affairs that are not related to her personal cell phone account. One phone utilizes an app that functions as a discrete hook-up device for live meetups. This app accounts for meetings, like the one James’ brother witnessed. Maria’s parking lot rendezvous average 26 minutes from pickup to return to her car.
The other phone uses another app that is used for paid live video mutual masturbation as an alternative source of revenue. The jury is still out on whether the live parking lot meetings are also an alternate source of funding, but James’ inclination is that these are paid trysts as well.
Armed with evidence and verifiable data provided by the P.I., James confronted his fiancé and she denied everything and caused a huge quarrel with Maria where she accused James of being a jealous and vindictive person who judged her cruelly for being Mexican, packed her bags, and exited the premises.
James is confused and distraught, as he was well in love with Maria and desired to marry her, but rather than talking this out and seeing their relationship could continue, she just took off and him holding the empty bag. He has dodged the bullet of a potentially toxic marriage.
I am helping to support him with his varying issues and feelings about all this as we continue to move forward with his business dealings, hoping not to let any complications of his personal life interfere with his professional performance.
A good consultant, coach, or counselor should be able to be highly adaptive to the client’s needs as challenges arise. Had I not had these skills onboard, I would have called in some relationship back up right away. I work with a wide variety of consultants, coaches, and counselors, with wide-spanning areas of expertise. My clients and I are comforted knowing help is just a call, text, or email away.
Let life have its way with you but don’t let it stop your forward momentum professionally.*
Coupling is all about transitioning from a dating relationship, getting to know each other better, to a more significant relationship which is more exclusive in nature where we are concentrating on each other to see if more depth and meaning is awaiting our relationship and to discover more about our compatibility and potential of loving each other. So, how long do you date before becoming boyfriend/girlfriend, and what does it mean to be in this next phase of love? Can friends become a couple? As you become a couple you might ask when should you move in with your significant other?
Okay, you’ve met someone, and you’re hitting it off. You’ve had time to evaluate each other, you may have nothing in common, but you’re attracted to each other. You’ve found common ground. While you have your differences, you enjoy each other’s company and you could see this going forward. So, how long do you date before becoming boyfriend-girlfriend?
When you transition from getting to know each other to become a couple, you don’t have it all figured out yet, you’re just creating a sacred space to get to know each other better, and depending on your desires, you may want to enter into an agreement where exclusivity plays a part in this new phase of love.
The coupling phases is not unlike two coupling of two train cars, which are joined together for a specific purpose, to get from here to there, then to go on to some other location, which may or may not be with the car you were initially joined to, as one car may be en route to an entirely different location.
When you transition from acquaintance to a relationship where you’re getting to know each other better, the whole dynamic changes, and quite often there is an inclination to exclusivity, and you agree not to see other people while you are getting to know each other better.
There is a lot going on in this phase and if you are not specific about where your intentions are focused, there can be miscommunication and misinterpretations causing confusion and a bit of mayhem along the way.
This can be a very sensitive phase for the partner who is more concerned with the possibility of moving forward into a long-lasting love relationship, yet not taken so seriously by the casual dater, so it is important to remain cautious in this phase and the one who is more casual may not be forthcoming of his or her true intentions regarding the potential for this relationship’s potential future.
So, how long do you date before becoming boyfriend-girlfriend?
When do you become boyfriend and girlfriend?
Certainly, not at the outset, just because you’re getting to know each other better. I mean, I remember when I was six years old, and I wrote a love note to Tamara Watts. I drew a big heart on the paper and wrote: I love you. Do you love me? Check one: __ Yes __ No __ Maybe __ You want to marry me.
And if she’d replied at all, we would have been boyfriend and girlfriend on the playground and possibly even talked about getting married.
You’re not six years old anymore.
Today, you are not boyfriend and girlfriend unless you are in an exclusive relationship, which means you both agree not to see other people while you are getting to know each other better.
If you’ve had this discussion and both agree to the terms of being boyfriend and girlfriend, because it means different things to different people, then you can say your boyfriend and girlfriend.
Remember this: The object of your affection will not be exclusive unless you’ve had this discussion and have agreed to the terms of it.
Sometimes your desire to be with someone in a meaningful relationship can overshadow your sense of reason and you can assume some of the parameters of your prospective relationship as if it was just understood.
Then, when you find out that your boyfriend or girlfriend was “seeing” someone else. And the seeing could include anything to varying degrees of disapproval by you. But you have no right to be upset because you have not agreed to any terms considering those things.
If you have had this talk and agreed to the terms, then okay. You do have a right to be upset and maybe you’ve just discovered that your boyfriend or girlfriend is a scoundrel. Good thing you found out now before you started living together.
The number one thing you want in a relationship, if you are normal, is trust. But you cannot impose trust on anyone who has not agreed to the terms.
So, the answer to how long do You Date Before Becoming Boyfriend Girlfriend, is not a specific number of days, weeks, months, or even years. It’s until you’ve had the boyfriend/girlfriend discussion and have agreed to the terms of the potential deepening relationship.
But we’re such good friends. Can friends become a couple?
I mean, you need to be with someone you can trust, and I’ve been attracting people who are less than trustworthy. But I can trust my friend, shouldn’t we consider becoming a couple?
Dating your friend can destroy your friendship
Let me offer you a WARNING:
If you are attracting people who are not trustworthy, it will be unlikely that you can trust anyone who is attracted to you.
If you can trust your friend, there exists the greatest chance that if you enter into a relationship with your friend, you will not be able to trust him or her.
Because the people you are attracting into your relationships are a perfect match for you and your vibration at that time. So, if you’re attracting people who can’t be trusted, then you will keep attracting people who can’t be trusted unless you change your vibration.
And changing your vibration is a different subject.
As you become a couple you might ask when should you move in with your significant other?
Whoa, that’s a whole new level, right?
You’ve got to have another talk, and this one’s bigger than the boyfriend/girlfriend talk. Because you can put up with a lot that you don’t know about the intricacies about how your prospective partner is in the privacy of his or her own home.
If you haven’t broken up during the boyfriend/girlfriend stage, there’s an increased chance of breakup following moving in with each other.
But if you can survive the boyfriend/girlfriend stage, you are getting to know each other better, and are building your trust one for the other as your relationship grows, and you’re talking about cohabitation, and potentially you might be able to skip some of the less comfortable phases of love.
Regardless of what phase of love you are in, there is hope for you. There is always hope, but you need to have these important conversations and spell out what your expectations are. If you get agreement, you can expect to move forward. If not, well, good luck.
What is the difference between love and infatuation? It will take a bit of work on your part to figure out what the difference is, because you will have to help in the defining process. You must have a good idea of what infatuation is, then it’s up to you to determine what love is for you, because as you may already know “love” means different things to different people.
When you’re feeling attraction toward someone you can ask yourself, “Is this love or infatuation?” If you have your wits about you, knowing the answer upfront can have a tremendous impact on how your potential relationship unfolds with the person who has captured your attention.
Both infatuations and love have attraction as a key component, so it’s no surprise that you get confused because it’s confusing, plus you have all this chemistry firing off within your biology which is throwing you for a loop.
Hopefully, you can find the wherewithal amidst all this confusion to review the
7 INFATUATION SIGNS
Yes, you are over-the-top enamored with the object of your affection. You only see his or her amazing qualities and you feel somewhat unworthy of their attention when you compare your humanity to their perfect attributes, which makes you feel like the luckiest person in the world to be with him or her. You focus on your vision of this person rather than really getting to know and connect to him or her.
SENSE OF URGENCY
The way you feel about this person is accelerating at an incredible pace, and there is a sense of urgency to move the relationship forward hard and fast, as if there were no tomorrow, and you might end up losing out on the opportunity to be with this person for the long term if you don’t act now. Your rational self would not want to appear to be in such a desperate rush.
LOSS OF SELF
It’s as if you’ve forgotten who you are, or in the shadow of the object of your affection, you just don’t matter. Your desire to please or appear to be pleasing to your partner is so strong that those meaningful parts of you fade away into the background as you feel less important and you begin to mold yourself into a version of him or her. It’s no longer about you. You are willing to sacrifice yourself for him or her.
Mind you, there’s nothing wrong with having a healthy sexual relationship, but when your sex drive is the driving force and it overshadows your desire to have a meaningful, open, honest, compassionate, and deep connectedness with your partner, there is little or no room for love.
The activities that you find yourself involved in, the partnering show that you’re playing out for your partner, and onlookers, does not feel authentic to you. And when you have those brief moments of clarity when you ask yourself, “What am I doing?” Your infatuation brushes that thought aside and forces you to reengage your acting your part again, because that “feels” better than being alone. So, you continue play your part and promote the façade.
SUCCUMB TO CONTROLLING
Normally, you may be fairly confident and independent, but if you’re lost in infatuation, you may be willing to compromise your own personal dignity to unusually acquiesce to your partner, allowing him or her to control or dominate you. If you find yourself willing allowing him or her to control you, this is not love, it’s infatuation.
The greater part of you knows you’re propagating a relationship which has no chance of lasting and you exert a lot of effort to support the illusion that this is real, even when you know there is no real connection, here. You are delusional and in denial.
The fact that you are infatuated and not in love may not be apparent to you, even though you really know better, it’s more often likely than not, that others who see you fawning over your partner and not being true to yourself can see it, but they’re often too polite to tell you.
And if they did dare to tell you, you are likely to protest and insist, “No, this is the one!” So, what’s the point.
You think that you are in love, but in reality, it could be mere attraction. These are nothing but signs of infatuation. You don’t think straight and follow only those things which your heightened feelings are telling you to do. Infatuation just keeps throwing you deeper into your delusions, making you think of this perfect life and perfect person. And you always thought these are signs of love?
Knowing the difference between love and infatuation can help you navigate your partnering and potential romances toward something more meaningful if your intention is to have a meaningful, lasting love relationship with your significant other or soul mate.
Difference Between Love and Infatuation
If you want to attract your true love, you need to avoid wasting your time with infatuation.
Okay, there’s nothing wrong with dating. In fact, dating, getting out there and connecting with people in the anticipatory vibration of connecting with someone, getting to know them better, and being open to the possibilities of having a deep and meaningful relationship is exactly what you want to do.
This is a positive, magnetic vibration that will attract your partner.
But, if you’re in a superficial infatuation-fueled one-on-one relationship with the wrong person, and your potential soul mate wanders into your gravitational field, he or she will likely not take notice of you and walk on.
So, date. Yes. But resist the temptation to be totally enthralled with the wrong person, so that you do not miss your opportunity to be available when the right one appears on the horizon.
Love is not superficial adoration, keeping you in a panicked sense of urgency, where you lose yourself while you are highly motivated by sex. Love is not acting out your part or pretending to be in love or impressing your partner. Love is not letting someone control you or exerting a great deal of effort to support the illusion. Love is not these things. This is infatuation.
wanting to be with your partner in a deep and meaningful way with the desire to share an open and honest connection that flows both ways, loving and supporting each other. You desire a deep understanding one with the other.
When you communicate, you find yourself unguardedly connecting even more, and having meaningful conversations, cherishing the ability to share who you really are mentally and physically, revealing all your secrets, no lies, and willing to be vulnerable.
You desire a healthy sexual relationship with your partner, but it is not the primary driving force.
You are blessed just basking in the presence of your partner, even if just cuddling on the sofa.
Being in love means you can relax into a communion with your partner that is natural, and there is no need to feel pressure to impress each other, or those who might be observing your relationship from the outside.
Love deepens, compassion and respect grow, as you and your partner open up and share your intimacies one with the other.
If you can keep your infatuation at bay, true love can find you, and you will be ready for it.
Can infatuation turn into love? Can friends become lovers? Can you be friends once you’ve been there?
Yes, all things are possible if you can stay true to yourself and preserve the sacred space for having all the love your heart desires, and it will come to you.
We all want to be loved, and there’s nothing better than being in the throes of love and passion.
With many years consulting in love and relationships, it’s generally accepted that when two people get together there are going to be problems. All this relationship drama contributes to the bottom line of so many industries in America, it’s not just the relationship coaches, keeping their caseloads maxed out, with the constant struggle of helping couples with their constant struggle.
In the office, there are issues that show up regularly, and every once in awhile, you are truly surprised or shocked by something new. But the struggle remains. My book, 7 Phases of Love, depicts a general path of growth amidst the romantic love spectrum and offers assistance to those on such a journey, as well as tips, tools, and techniques for the people who work with them, assisting couples to navigate the treacherous waters of romantic love.
Oh, yeah, I am David M Masters, Lead Coach, Trainer, and Transfiguration Specialist at St. Paul’s Free University, and you can find out more about me at davidmmasters.com. The word on the street is that St. Paul’s Free University is looking for teachers, trainers, and instructors. If you think you might be interested in joining us to help make the world a better place. Feel free to contact me or talk to any of our presenters here, today.
The 7 phases of love follow the path from hormonal, horn honking, drooling, lust-driven love, all the way to the harmonic love frequency fully honoring each other in positive partnership.
No matter where you are on your love journey, there are bound to be some challenges along the way, and at any time, either you, your partner or both of you can call it quits and walk away.
Call it quits?
That’s worldly love, and you know what I’m talking about. The kind of love that’s like a disease that eats away at your heart until there’s nothing left. No love. Love is a heart-eating disease.
Love is like a poisonous virus that spreads the highly contagious disease of love’s toxins that promote possessiveness, jealousy, envy, suspicion, bitterness, dishonesty, controlling, abuse, and the judgment of others and yourself.
You’ve loved, stood there in faith, totally open and naked to your partner, and where did that get you? Far more misery than pleasure, that’s for sure. It’s no wonder you want to bail out of the love boat. Who wouldn’t?
Especially in our present-day society, where relationships are disposable, and in worldly love, “the world” profits when relationships thrive, and even more when they fail.
It is easier to walk away (and far more profitable for the powers that be) than it is to do the work necessary to create a sustainable relationship. So, at the first sight of something you don’t like in a relationship, you start looking for the EXIT sign.
Anyone want to know what the Top 10 Reasons Relationships Fail are?
Top 10 Reasons Relationships Fail
lack of trust
Of course, this is an over-simplification of what is really going on behind the scenes because you have a lifetime of accumulated pain, wounds, and emotional triggers, that cause you to recoil at the first hint of trouble (even if there is no actual trouble at hand).
Your friends will counsel you to, “Run, David, run!” because they don’t want to see you suffer needlessly (or again), plus, they miss your uninterrupted attention. There’s a good chance that your best friends see their relationship with you as far more meaningful than that of your mate, and in those times when things are not looking good, they can taunt you with, “See, I told you so.”
You might be surprised that your friends are really not looking out for your best interests in your partnership relationship as much as they are their relationship with you, and there may have been some building animosity since you’ve been distracted by your love relationship.
So, things are not going as well as you might like them to, and that’s when you find yourself in my office, or the office of any of my contemporaries, asking, “Is there hope for us?”
Relationship counselors make bank on your struggle in relationships. The more dysfunction, the more money the therapists make. When you come in as a couple, we get a hundred bucks. When you drift further apart and come in separately, we make twice as much.
We do our best to coach you through the 7 phases of love, and the further you progress, the easier it gets.
And we expend our greatest efforts to help you negotiate as we mediate and try to help you discuss and argue about your relationship endlessly, making agreements, and promises to each other in our presence, knowing that as soon as you leave the office, all bets are off.
It’s just deteriorated too much for far too long. You’ve tried to fake it till you make it, and you just can’t take it anymore.
But totally bailing out is hard, and frightening. I mean, take a look around at all the other relationships you can see self-destructing before your very eyes, and you’ve heard the horror stories. The heartbreak, the battles over this and that.
It’s no wonder you feel helpless, hopeless, like a victim, or a prisoner in your own life.
Can you make it work?
Yes, with enough hard work, if both partners cooperate, and pay a relationship coach to help level the playing field, you can find a way to make your relationship work.
Let’s face it, you’re two different people, and you’re supposed to aspire to becoming “one?”
Is that possible?
Yes, you can each remain to be fully yourselves, and combined, the two of you culminate in another entity, as a couple, your relationship is expressed as another being, not unlike a corporation, and incorporation of two souls into one entity.
But rarely does this happen naturally, usually, it is due to patience, sacrifice, and lots of hard, sometimes painful work. And amidst all the hard work and pain of trying to work it out, it’s easier, to say,
And if you bail out, the system profits wildly from your decision.
The system profits from two households being supported when there used to be one. Everything from toiletries to insurance rates and taxes go up.
There is hope?
And there is. And it can be summed up in these two words,
Which sounds so wonderfully romantic.
What does it mean?
It means your partner will love and respect you 24/7. Isn’t that what you want? Isn’t that what we all want?
You want to be with someone who trusts you. Who doesn’t question you? Who allows you to be the person you really are?
You want this unconditional lover not to question your underlying motives, constantly asking about your whereabouts when you’re out of sight.
You want someone who loves you no matter what. No matter what challenges you may face in life. Just to be there, supporting you, in the knowledge that everything will work out okay.
If you need help, he or she will be there for you, supporting you, loving you, without accusation or judgment.
When you boil it down to its simplest form, you want someone who loves you unconditionally. Someone who will hold your hands tenderly yet firmly, look you in the eyes, and say to you from the bottom of their heart,
“I love you no matter what.”
No matter what you say, no matter what you do, I love you.
No matter what happens, what challenges you may face, I will be here for you, loving you, no matter what.
Wow! That’s it!
THAT is unconditional love, and we all want that.
Do you want that?
If you do, say it by declaring a resounding, “Yes!” (Yes.)
In order for you to get what you want, that unconditional love, you need to define what that looks like for you.
Take three minutes and write down at least 10 ways that you know you will feel like you are loved unconditionally by your partner. Ready? Go…
What are the ways you know you can feel totally loved and accepted unconditionally by your partner? Write them down.
Some ideas: Believes me, doesn’t argue, challenge or debate with me. Does not lay down the law. Doesn’t threaten the relationship by threatening to walk out. Loves me just the way I am, warts and all. Cherishes all the little things I do for us. Listens to what I have to say. Negotiates with me, so that we both can have what we want out of life. Wants to support and work with me for the greater good. Never raises his or her voice, threatens, or abuses. Wants to show me love when I need it, when I want it. Loves and respects me, my family, my hobbies, my potential.
Whatever it is for you, write it down.
This list represents how you know you are loved unconditionally.
You say, Oh, yeah, baby, I want a man or a woman, like that.
And if you’re in a relationship with someone, right now, unless you are our hosts today, Mark and Lynetta, you’re thinking I need to find someone, like that because my partner is not capable of being what I want.
And this is the one biggest key in a sustainable loving relationship:
If you really want it, let me hear it from you again, and say, “Yes!” (Yes)
Now, keeping all that in mind, here’s something that you might find as interesting as I do:
When I ask a client if he or she wants unconditional love, they enthusiastically declare how much they really want to be loved unconditionally, no matter what.
But when I ask them if they are willing to
LOVE THEIR PARTNER NO MATTER WHAT
Their response is a resounding,
We want it. We want it more than anything, but we’re unwilling to give it, and therein lies the rub.
In these workshops, we take the love relationship to a whole new level, far beyond the 7 phases of love, where we work with people in traditional relationship counseling.
In traditional or “worldly love,” unconditional love is not possible because we get in the way of giving it. It’s not that we don’t want it, because we want it desperately, but, for the most part, we do not have the ability to give it within ourselves.
In awakened love, in contrast to worldly love, the couple is encouraged to focus more on truly loving one’s self, more than trying to impress or serve the other person in the relationship.
Once they’ve done the work of cleansing, removing blockages, and healing wounds from the past, they are in a far better place to truly love themselves.
Following this sacred work, the couple is able to fully open up and allow their love to overflow to the other partner.
The competition fades away and the two can truly become one. Both individuals, completely separate but together unlimited possibility and extremely powerful in the world working in perfect harmony.
We have a ceremony at the conclusion of the Awakening to True Love Workshop where we release all those things that stand between us and the authentic true love we desire, and send it off in a burning love lantern, and those things that held us back soars off with the glowing lantern.
And I’ve done this often enough to know, the question that is on your lips, right now:
“What happens, if it doesn’t work?”
It always works, 100 percent of the time.
Your lives can grow apart, and in an awakened love relationship, you can both agree to go your separate ways, no harm, no foul. Without guilt or blame, only love. True love.
This is the nature of true love.
If we are meant to be, then fine. If not, then, fine. God bless you, and God bless me, as we make our own way to our destiny, wherever that might be.
It’s a little like dropping your partner off at the airport.
I love you no matter what.
In awakened love, love is unconditional. I love me so much I can love you no matter what.
I love you no matter what you think.
I love you no matter what you say.
I love you no matter what you do.
And if we’re no longer meant to be? I love you then, too.
I love you enough to let you do whatever you need to do, even if it’s without me.
That is unconditional love.
My name’s David M. Masters, and you can find out more about me at davidmmasters.com
FREE EVENT. All welcome – singles, couples, and married – to a cluster of presentations focused on finding and keeping the love of your life.
Schedule of events:
Worldly Love vs Awakened Love
Class Description: Marriage counselors make bank trying to help you save your marriage, family therapists, love and relationship coaches are desperately helping couples to navigate the 7 phases of love, all in the hopes of promoting sustainable love relationships. Beyond the struggle and drama of worldly love is an awakened love which empowers a romantic couple to experience healthy love with their spiritual soulmate as they find themselves awakening to true love.
Class Description: So many people make this huge mistake when attracting and keeping the love of their life! They forget that where the romance ends, life begins. Soulmates can’t connect unless you’ve found your “life’s purpose,” but once you have the results can be miraculous. Whether you call it working on yourself, “inner game,” or just plain good sense, I’ll show you the three essential steps you need to take to earn that chance at happiness.
Class Description: Learn to love yourself so you can allow your soul mate into your heart. If you can’t love yourself how can someone else love you? We will explore ways to fall in love with the most important YOU!
Class Description: 50+ years in relationships and deep transformational work has taught Mark and Lynetta what really works in Soulmate-Level Relationships. In this introduction to Soulmate Wizardry, You will create a clear image of the type of aligned partner you want, learn the right places to meet your beloved and 3 key practices for nurturing the relationship.
It’s easy to internalize your frustrations if you’ve been with a partner who has been unfaithful. Cheaters have nothing to do with you. If you’re monogamous and committed to someone who is a cheater, when he or she has left, you might start questioning yourself. “What did I do?” or alternatively, “What’s wrong with me?” amongst other self-deprecating questions. When the truth is it’s about the cheater, not you.
Cheaters are gonna cheat. That’s just the way it is. You can change a cheater, it’s just the way they are hard-wired. Can a cheater change into a loving, caring, monogamous, and faithful partner? Yes. But you cannot change them. Only the cheater can change his or her life that drastically. Nothing you can do can change them.
Your first instinct is to blame yourself because you lack the full lovingness for yourself, so you question your worthiness, as all your insecurities rise to the surface, making you feel worse and worse about yourself, while the happy-go-lucky cheater is off on his or her next conquest.
Nothing is wrong with you. You are perfect in every way, only you do not realize it or know that all the love you seek resides within you waiting to be set loose in all its power and glory.
Lacking this true love from within, you will submit yourself to the endless abuse of not feeling as though you are not enough, questioning your authentic beauty, or over criticizing your income, weight, choice of apparel, hairstyle, mannerisms, possessions, family, beliefs, or any other endless possibilities that might make you feel less than worthy.
The choices other people make, the things they do, have nothing to do with you. You are for more inconsequential in the lives of people who have little or no regard for you than you might think. People just say or do stuff because their lives have led them to say or do this or that. That is all.
If it wouldn’t have been you, it would have been someone else.
You are not responsible for the life your ex- has lived up to this point and you can never know what is going on inside someone else’s head or heart.
In most (if not all) cases of infidelity or the inability for someone to make a long-term commitment comes from a lifetime of insecurity, fear, and/or abuse, every detail of which could never be fully known by any other person.
It’s up to you to look after your own feelings and sense of worthiness. You need to not let anyone have control over how you feel. In this way, you can reclaim your power from anyone who has threatened your otherwise sense of wellbeing.
If you let others to be responsible for how you feel, you would be just like your ex- who is constantly needing someone else to make him or her feel good. And when you make someone else responsible for how you feel, it works, but not for long.
If someone doesn’t like you the way you want them to, don’t feel bad. Be grateful that you found out when you did, because it could have been much worse had your relationship been allowed to continue in its dysfunction.
Your value is not determined by anyone or anything outside of yourself. Your preciousness comes from the love within yourself. Allowed to grow within yourself your love can expand and overflow to others and the world around you.
Without this unlimited source of love enveloping you, the best you can do is to mitigate your emotional state, with all its contradictions and inconsistencies, the best you can by applying emotional bandages (other people and what they think of you).
You are perfect, with all your imperfections, just the way you are.
You were born in love, full of love, and worthy of love, for you (in your truest essence) are love personified. Even if no one else recognizes your sacred divinity, it still remains true; you are pure love.
You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone, ever.
You love yourself enough to walk away from any relationship which is not in alignment with your highest and best.
You and your love is all the love you need, and when the right person shows up with a vibrational frequency with is alignment with your highest and best, nothing can stand in your way.
Two people meet, fall in love, pledge their vows of love to each other, and live happily ever after. This is the romantic aspirations of most people who seek romantic love in the world today.
There are many forms of love which are active in our society. Love is used on a wide spectrum including many possibilities and representation. On one end of the spectrum you can love chocolate cake, and on the other, a desperate heartbroken young child can find solace in his or her mother’s embrace accompanied by the speaking of the words, “I love you.”
All love is good love and the more there is of it in our world, the better the world can be. For a moment consider there might be a difference between romantic love and unconditional love.
There is nothing better than entering a relationship in love with the expectation that it would last forever. There is an instinctual part of you that wants to go through life with someone by your side. Having to decide who that might be only once, sounds like a dream come true.
When you are attracted to someone or something, this is an expression of your flesh, creating a desire for it whether it be a particular type and color of a car or a prospective mate. Certain hormones create a chemical reaction in our brain which makes us love one thing over another.
The love chemical reaction fades over time and so do the feelings of love. That’s why your admiration of that new car is often replaced by resigning yourself to drive the darned thing, while you long for another car that is more appealing; one that causes your love chemistry to kick in. And so it is with romantic love.
Romantic love projects expectations on your partner. If they look and act in a way that is in line with your expectations of him or her, your love is sustained. If not, you are disappointed and may respond negatively, potentially giving way to disapproval or anger.
Unfortunately, romantic love is based on this expectation and the challenges you face with being shocked by the stark realization that the object of your affection has failed or is unable to meet your expectations.
Instead of fostering togetherness, as in the two of you becoming one, romantic love separates each of you into a my-way vs your-way opposition fostering a push-pull power struggle which can never be won.
Romantic love will have you endlessly attempting to make your partner fit your perception of how he or she should be based on your expectations, with little consideration for who your partner really is in his or her own natural state, or respect of individual potentialities which are yet to be realized.
Romantic love is perpetually fueled by fear of loss, which keeps you looking for clues of potential loss, and as a self-fulfilling prophesy, that which you seek appears, either by using your overactive imagination, or real-life circumstances, which you may have called into being by your fear.
Fear leads to disrespect, suspicion, loathing, and even hatred, when you are jolted into the reality that your love cannot be sustained by whom or what you believed could be trusted to fulfill your expectations of love. This dichotomy creates a violent cognitive dissonance which rocks your world and wreaks havoc on your emotional wellbeing.
Unconditional love, on the other hand, is quite the contrast to romantic love, in that there is no my-way vs your-way opposition keeping you separated. There is no right way, there is no wrong way. There is just you and your partner in love inclusive or all respective possibilities.
This is only possible by allowing true love to flow from the source of all life which does not impose expectations. This true love loves purely, without expectation. It does not look for flaws, nor does it seek to punish. Unconditional love loves regardless; no matter what you do or what you say.
Unconditional love can only be expressed if your heart is full of love for yourself, and to the degree to which you possess this kind of love for yourself, it can overflow into the life of your beloved.
Of course, in unconditional love, there will be differences which appear, but these are allowed to be expressed in love, and you may talk openly about whatever comes up in the contrast of your love experience with openness and honesty, allowing growth or allowing what is to simply be as you move forward.
You were created by this unconditional love source and the potential for it resides in every cell of your body. You can let loose this unconditional love and let it permeate you and the world which surrounds you at any time, if you can allow yourself to consider the possibilities.
Unconditional love is the most powerful force which can be wielded by any man, woman, or child and is more powerful than anything else. It exists in all life, everything, and without it, nothing would be.
God blesses all love unconditionally, from the romantic love looking to be negotiated and contractualized between two, and the unconditional love. Love is love, and everything is love.
Love resistance is one’s inability to accept and embrace the best things in life, the positive, powerful emotions, even rejecting them due to sensitivities to negative attachments from the past.
Fear will keep you anchored in negative emotional states because there is a feeling (albeit a false sense of security) associated with the belief that you can control the life which surrounds you with brute force. The emotions of fear are all in the domain of force.
In the realm of power, are emotions which are based in love. To hover among these emotional states requires letting go and allowing life to flow as you detach from expectations and grow.
You can achieve much in your own militaristic strength and understanding, but if you can lean not unto your own understanding, you open our life to new, infinite possibilities, allowing exponential rewards from far less effort on your part because you are operating in the flow of the power of love, in effect downstream.
Going with the flow, you travel much further with little or no effort. You must still be active and aware enabling you to simply maneuver your movement amidst the flow to avoid any potential resistance. You don’t have to be pushing to move upstream with all your might against the current.
If you are loving upstream, against the current, you will be unable to accept genuine love flowing from another. Your perception is clouded by fear from an experience from the past. You will be predisposed to suspicion of being love because love in the past resulted in pain.
You know you are loving upstream if you predicate any display of love with, “the last time.”
“The last time,” is an excellent method to support the survival of the fittest. We learn from our mistakes and protect ourselves from suffering a similar negative result by protecting ourselves with all our might upstream; against the current or flow of love.
Some examples might include, your partner asks you to put on your safety belt, and you resist because you’ve associated wearing a safety belt with being controlled of having the affairs of your life dictated by someone else in the past. You recoil with rejection, when your partner’s intent was to encourage you to be safe, as an expression of his or her love for you.
Other upstream rejections of another’s expression of love might include feeling assaulted when you are complimented. Feeling threatened if given an unexpected gift or shown some other form of generosity. Not being able to receive compliments because of either feeling unworthy or fearing potential manipulation. Rejecting intimacy because, “All you want is sex,” when this refers more to a past relationship, rather than reality in the now. And the list goes on and on, ad infinitum.
So you build walls of protection around yourself and push away any potential for love in fear, upstream, against the current.
Effective? Yes. Your highest and best method of living in the flow of love? No.
No wonder the search for love is so frustrating, even exhausting, when you’re attempting to achieve it with all your determined strength, loving upstream.
There is a story told by don Miguel Ruiz in his book, The Mastery of Love about The Man Who Didn’t Believe in Love.
The tale tells of a man who didn’t believe in love. By studying the love and relationships of others, even those long who professed to have longstanding, high-quality love affairs, deduced from the data he’d collected that there was no such thing as love.
He believed that love was like a drug which most people are addicted to. Once you’ve tasted of it, you must have more of it, and you might do just about anything to get it, even compromising your core beliefs, and denying your personal needs to get your addiction satisfied.
The man who didn’t believe in love gained the attention of many others whom he persuaded to subscribe to his point of view, “love does not exist.”
Then, one day, he finds a sad woman on a park bench, and asks her why she is so sad? She tells him she doesn’t believe in love, which piques his interest. She tells her story about how she once believed in love, married, went through all the motions to sacrifice everything for love. She took care of everyone, her husband, the kids, everyone but herself.
Now that the kids have all left the next, she and her husband discovered they had nothing in common. No love. Not even friendship remained. They divorced and went their own ways because nothing remained or survived their marriage.
She was left so terribly alone, with nothing to fall back on, because of her sacrificing everything for the relationship, as she awakened to the idea that there was no such thing as love and her life was wasted on forcing herself to propagate the idea of it.
This woman and the man who didn’t believe in love became friends. Their relationship was something special. Since they never believed in love, they became the best of friends, drawing ever closer together out of mutual respect for each other. They didn’t hold unreasonable expectations for each other, allowed each other to do whatever they wanted to do, together or apart, and they began to grow closer to each other trusting each other impeccably.
One day the man is walking through the park and he quickened by the thought that maybe love does exist, only maybe it’s not what everyone thinks it is. Maybe, just maybe, the relationship which he and this woman are sharing is love. It certainly feels more authentic and true than any other representation of love.
He and the woman are now living together, so he goes home to tell her of his epiphany, and she intimates that she had the same thought, only she was reluctant to say anything because he didn’t believe in love.
Then, one day, the man is walking alone at night with his heart so filled with love, looking up into the star-filled sky, a miracle happens. The most beautiful of all the stars descended. Floating down from its home in the sky the star sets itself gently into the hand of the man, then another miracle happens. The star’s light sends a beam into the heart of the man, and the man feels more love than ever before.
With his heart so full of love, the man rushes home to tell the woman of his miraculous discovery.
He tells the woman of the story, and so filled with love, excitement, and a yearning to share his love with the woman so she, too, can share in this experience. He places his star in her hands. Overcome by the magnificence of the star, still, the woman wonders if it could really be true?
In that moment of doubt, the star slips from her hands, falls to the ground, and is shattered into a million pieces.
Now there is a man who wanders the world who doesn’t believe in love, and a lonely old woman who had a chance to have all the love which could ever be imagined, if not for one moment of doubt.
I refer to this story often, as I can relate to it so well and so can others who hear it.
If you’re wondering wht the moral of the story is, you should pick up a copy of don Miguel Ruiz’ book, The Mastery of Love.