You were friends connected at a deeper level than other beings. You intrinsically shared the same vibration and trusted each other with your innermost thoughts, guarded feelings, and hidden desires. When someone kicks you out of their life, it leaves an indelible mark, a bruise on your heart, leaving you feeling as though you’ve been betrayed by your most trusted friend.
At some level, you may feel guilt from trusting too much or making such a big deal out of a relationship because intimate relationships, like this, are not protected by contract law, like a marital relationship. No, we have these intimate relationships with other people with no safety net, no way to execute retribution, to make them pay for their betrayal. No, when someone kicks you out of their life, they simply disappear, and you know they are gone.
If you have a pattern of fear of abandonment recurring in your life, the separation hurts you even more, and you feel even more guilty because you thought you were above that by now. Still the pain hits you in the chest and you fall to the floor (even if only metaphorically) as your heart aches. You are left feeling abandoned and betrayed by your friend.
To complicate things even more, you may be in a professional or social environment where you will be in the presence of the person who kicked you out of their life, the see them living their life with you clearly excluded from meaningful participation in it, as the hurt surges to the deepest part of you.
Losing a close friend can lead to grief which is followed by the 7 phases of grief. The loss of a friend who has kicked you out of their life is not unlike losing a loved one who has taken him or her self out of your life by dying, or even more accurate if they’ve intentionally committed suicide. Even though they are still alive, the loss is just as meaningful, and the grief process is a necessary process if you’re to have hope of getting your life back.
A normal person will use his or her imagination to try to figure out what is going on here, why would someone kick you out of their life? There is little or no value in second-guessing or imagining what could have been the cause of the separation or betrayal. This can be a self-destructive and potentially obsessive negative train of thought, which causes your immune system to steadily deteriorate not only while you engage in the thought process, but for eight hours after you’ve let go of the thoughts.
The sooner you can get to thoughts of genuine goodness and love the more faithful and true you will be to yourself, and when you use the power of your imagination to take you to places where love resides, you transport yourself to the vibrational state of love, no matter where you are, or what’s going on around you. In contrast to the effects of negative thought on your immune system, while you are in the frequency if love, your immune system is boosted, and the increase of your physiological fortitude continues for eight hours.
So, the best thing you can do is to remember the good times, remember them. And if they were really amazingly incredible, use your imagination to relive those moments, to love and cherish them, fully immersing yourself in the full emotion of it, and resist the temptation to devolve into haunting thoughts of betrayal or disapproval.
Feel gratitude for sharing those incredible moments with another person. If they are no longer fully participating in your life in the now, have gratitude for the tender moments you were blessed to share.
Finding new ways to raise your vibration to love and above, cherishing and celebrating your life in new ways, making and finding new friends, and loving life with everything you’ve got serves you best. And when someone kicks you out of their life, let them go. Their life might have been far greater with you in it, but they chose otherwise, and you will love-on regardless.
You’re a friendly person. You’ve made some friends. Then one day you wake to discover that there are friends and there are “friends.” So, who are your real friends?
Friends may look and feel similar on the surface, you feel good around them and have fun. When things get lean or rough, or maybe you need a little more support than usual, that’s when you find out who are your real friends.
Real friends have your back no matter what, unlike friends who may not be so genuine who make themselves scarce when times get rough. They are supportive of you, even when you suggest that you might like to try a bit of coloring outside the lines. If you want to explore or experience something new, they may or may not agree, or come along, but they will always support your right to do so and be excited to hear your stories about how it went, without judgment.
Over time friends get increased access to all the different sides of you. As they get to know you and all idiosyncrasies, real friends see these as interesting or “cute” sides of yourself, even that whacky unpredictable side of you that very few people know. They see these as individualities which make you a “cool” person, and they feel a sense of honor for getting to know you more intimately.
Unlike your shallower friends, those who are your real friends accept you just the way you are, however and whenever that might be. You don’t have to get dressed-up or fix yourself up to do a live video chat with your real friends. And they know that it goes both ways. You can meet at a coffee shop in your sweats like it’s “no thing.” It doesn’t matter because you share more than a superficial surface connection.
All your friends want you to make time for them, and you do a pretty good job, but what about when you would like them to come along with you, or meet you to share some quality time? Where are they? Your real friends will make time for you, even if it’s outside their normal schedule because real friends actually care about you, just as much as you care about them.
When you really need someone talk to, to share your heart with, your real friends will be there supporting you even in your toughest of times. If you’re sad, they might feel just as sad as you do but will try to be the strength you need when times get hard. They do not impose their views or advice, nor tell you what to do about whatever it is that’s troubling you. They let you express yourself fully, without judgment, empathetically supporting you along the way, reassuring you that things will be okay.
When all the other friends have faded away, your real friends will still be there. Even after long periods of time of not being in each other’s presence, when you get together again, it’s not like one day has passed and you pick up right where you left off.
And when you step on the wayside, lose your balance and falter, if they are not there to catch you when you fall, they will be there to help you pick up the pieces. Even if you’ve done something that has inadvertently caused harm to your friends, your real friends will not hold a grudge and they will forgive you because they are compassionate and know that they make mistakes, too, sometimes.
Above all your real friends value your confidence. They trust you and you trust them. You can tell your most intimate secrets to a real friend, and they will not tell your tales behind your back. Real friends protect you and respect you’re entrusting them with these sensitive details.
Who are your real friends? They’re the ones who’ve got you, no matter what.
Living life is all about advancing, growing and changing. Not settling for mediocrity, nor staying in the same place. Real life is about transitioning from one stage to the next, making the necessary adjustments along the way, and relationships come and go, though some remain.
As you move through this life, you will encounter and bond with people along the way who will vary in significance. You may develop deep relationships which serve you in the deepest, most meaningful ways. You would like to believe that people who play such a key role in your life today will be there tomorrow. Yet in many cases, this is not meant to be.
The best lives are built on a foundation of growth and change, and sometimes, the people who mean the most to you today may not be suitable for the path you are destined to follow. Everyone has their own journey; some relationships can be sustained longer than others.
In order to keep growing, changing, and continuing on your sacred journey, you must be able to find comfort in moving on from relationships that no longer serve you, as you move on.
You’ve shared life and love with them, will cherish the memories, carry them always in your heart, and keep moving.
Everything is in divine order, and these people of varying significance were integral to your success and metamorphosis. They were there for you, supported you, cared for you, loved you, and gave you the strength to keep going on.
Returning to places or revisiting people from your past via celebration or reunion brings a flood of nostalgic emotion, instantly taking you back to the moment in time when these moments from your past were so integral to your survival and transition, and you are blessed.
As much as you might want to return to those times, you know you no longer are connected to those people, places, and things, like you were before. You are an entirely different person now, and so are they, living lives so different, each better in your own ways.
Realizing that relationships come and go helps you to appreciate the people who have significance in your life. You are far more appreciative, cherishing and honoring each moment because you know it may not last forever, though it may feel like it in the moment.
When relationships come to us we are blessed, sometimes sharing the most intimate of moments, when relationships go, it can be hard to say goodbye, even lead to heartbreak, or depression, but life goes on.
New people will be attracted to you to help you on your journey, and others will come into your life who will test you, help you to learn, grow, and expand into the best version of yourself.
There will be those who may be on a similar enough path to yours to accompany you for much, if not all, of your journey. These are those, the most special of whom will be there forever.
For those who you’ve left behind, they can live on forever in your memories, in the deepest most precious recesses of your heart, always honored and remembered for their blessing you along the way. In a sense, still encouraging you and supporting your continued growth and transformation from within.
Continue to love and bless them, and they may continue to love and bless you, even though you may never cross paths again, as you live a better life, your best life, and make the world a better place.
As you move into relationship territory as a couple, you’re not really looking around for a mate anymore because you’re feeling as though this person is, “the one.”
You’ve had talks (at least, you should have because men who have not said they are in a monogamous relationship probably aren’t) about being in a “mutually exclusive” relationship. If one of you is not claiming to be in a relationship, then you are not; you are only dating or, “seeing each other.”
When you move from falling in love to coupling, you’re more likely to go out less and enthusiastically enjoy the simplicity of basking in each other’s presence.
Your couple vernacular includes cute nicknames, and the term, “love you,” is part of your occasional, if not regular, dialogue.
If he or she has an ex-, he or she (the ex) has been alerted that there’s a new SO (significant other) in town.
Public Display of Affection (PDA) is showing up as you’re holding hands in public, sitting “close” together, unashamedly embracing or touching each other and/or locked eye-gazing.
When you’re going to attend an event, you’re likely to assume your new love interest will accompany you. When you’re making plans to go places and do things, this specific object of your affection is the person you would most like to share these experiences with.
You’ve introduced him or her to your friends and family, and it looks like you’re both ready to change your relationship status on your respective social media accounts.
You’re talking more and more about how good it is to be together, even making plans for your future together.
And if you’re not having sex, you’ve been at least talking about it, for as Dr. Pete Eaton PhD, author of Sex Wise: Understanding Why Your Wife or Husband Lost Interest in Sex and How to Deal with It, says, “If you are not sexually compatible, you are headed for a train wreck.” According to Eaton, you either have a hunger for sex (measurable on a scale of 1 to 100), or you’re performing sexual acts as, “a favor,” as a means of prolonging the relationship. A mismatch at this juncture could have negative ramifications in regard to the relationship’s longevity.
More and more you are learning to trust your partner, so you’re more likely to ask your partner for assistance, or share intimate details of your life and a variety of personal stories, they type which you might only share with your best friend.
You’re becoming less afraid of showing your negative side as you’re feeling comfortable enough to let your guard down and let some of your idiosyncrasies show through and your partner, who feels similarly, will see these as the silly or cute mannerisms which make you even more special to him or her.
Let’s face it, if you’re open to having an effective romantic relationship with another person, you probably already know you’re swimming in shark-infested waters. Still, we want to believe true love is possible – and I believe it is – so we continue to allow ourselves to be open and somewhat vulnerable because we know that is the only way to have a truly meaningful relationship.
The earlier you notice the warning signs of a potentially problematic or toxic relationship, the better. Although unfortunately we find ourselves in relationships and are only able to see the red flags after they have established a level of comfort and let down their guard. At that point you have to decide if it’s time for you to conduct your relationship ending to allow for a more healthy relationship to appear on the landscape.
15 Signs for Relationship Ending
1. It’s All About Me
If your partner is self-absorbed there may be no room for you in his of her life. Certainly, you might be invited to participate in their life but more as an accessory than a partner. You might be able to see signs of potential narcissistic personality disorder on their facebook or other social media accounts. Look for obsessive selfies and little else. If it’s all about them on their social media, it’s a good indicator that any relationship will also be about them, too. Look for someone with the capacity to have relationships with friends and family if you hope for them to have the ability to become a team player in your life.
2. Do This, Don’t Do That
If they have a long list of rules they expect you to follow and more often than not making suggestions to change you, this is likely never going to change, and you shouldn’t be expected to. This may also be a warning sign that you might be getting involved with a psychopath or someone in the anti-social personality disorder spectrum. If they’re expecting you to change to meet their requirements, consider changing prospective mates.
3. More Interested in What You Do
If your partner appears to be more interested in your career (and you have a good job with benefits, opportunities for promotions or influential in the community) then he or she might not be interested in you at all. It’s likely not just about liking what you do, but they’re more focused on what you can bring to the table for them. If it’s not about you, who you are as a person, it’s because they’re not interested in you and they lack the capacity to connect in a real way.
4. Not Interested in What You Want to Do
If you’re constantly trying to invite our partner to participate in activities that you enjoy and he or she is resistant to going along or could care less, how long could you live like that? Though, they might be quite expectant that you participate in their activities. If they’d rather you go alone and administer endless guilt trips for doing so, these are not signs of a potentially successful long-term relationship. It’s not up to you to always be the sacrificial lamb or the martyr. A true partnership includes a bit of give and take if it is expected to last.
5. Conversation Domination
Are they constantly talking about me, me, me and don’t seem to be interested in you? You can clearly see it when you’re trying to communicate with them. They rarely if ever ask you about you, and when you find yourself intimating details about you, your day, your life, they interrupt and make it about them. Try disagreeing with the. If they are more focused on defending their position than listening to your point of view, then what’s the point? Conversation – just like your relationship – needs to be a two-way street, if you want to be more in someone’s life than an audience member validating their sense of importance.
6. Doesn’t Keep Promises
Your prospective mate is armed and ready with a long list of excuses about why he or she was unable to d what he or she said they would do and may even look to blame you in some way for his/her inability to fulfill his/her obligation(s). This is not only shirking responsibility, but may be a clear indication that this person has no sense of integrity to bring to the relationship. How can you be expected to trust someone who won’t keep their promises?
7. Could Care Less About Others
If someone is self-centered, inconsiderate or rude, they may be borderline narcissists. You see it every day, the person who dominates the fast lane at low speed not aware of anything or anyone else being on the road, they stand in doorways unaware of others who would like to use the egress point, they talk out loud with their blue tooth device stuffed in their ear in public, are constantly checking their phones at inopportune times and places, holding up foot traffic or disrespecting other people attempting to engage with them. You are not likely to be truly seen by this person as the person you truly are, only a less than visible passer-by. Don’t hold onto the false hope of making a genuine connection with this type of person.
8. Pointing Out Others’ Faults
If your partner is constantly pointing the finger at other people, putting them down, disrespecting or making fun of them and/or their shortcomings, then they are nothing more than selfish nincompoops. There are deep-rooted reasons why someone needs to validate themselves by putting others down ranging from lack of self-esteem to psychopathy. Regardless of the root cause of this type of personality trait, it does not indicate an openness that leads to a long-lasting, meaningful relationship, knowing all the while he or she is monitoring everything you do for use as a comedy sketch in the future. Only fools hang with the foolhardy. Don’t be a fool.
9. How They Respond to Their Past
If your potential partner lies about his or her past – or worse yet – doesn’t talk about it at all, it does not reflect well on any potential relationship you might have with this person. Either they are a sociopath covering up their long list of casualties or they are too broken and timid to participate fully because they feel they have been victimized or afraid that you might leave, if you knew the truth. Unless you can freely and openly share the wounds and scars about your past with the person with whom you can be intimate with, there is no real possibility of making a connection of any significance. That onus is on you, too. You also need to be able to conduct a conversation about this person’s past, without ridicule or judgment.
10. Living With Their Ex- (in their head)
How can you be expected to have a quality relationship with someone who is still attached to their ex-? This person is clearly not ready to move on in any meaningful way. A little dialogue about exes may be helpful in getting to know someone’s capacity for relationships, but endless stories about the ex- go far beyond annoying. You’re participation in this person’s life may be relegated to being the rebound or transition person, making them feel better as they work through their grief of loss, only filling a temporary void until someone else comes along. Look for healthy recollections of the ex- and make sure he/she has had some time to disassociate and establish some independence.
11. No Same-gender Friends
If he or she doesn’t have any friends of the same gender and insists that they just don’t get along with individuals sharing the same sex, this could be an indicator of problematic social entanglements which could rear their ugly faces in the future. If his or her ability to have friends is predominantly relegated to friends of the opposite sex, he or she may not have the capacity to engage in a high level of friendship at all, and isn’t that what you want your partner to be, your best friend? You just don’t want to be one of his/her other friends (unless that is what you want). Some speculation could be made about the reasons why he or she is only attracted to making friends with the opposite sex, which could take years to unravel. A good partner has friends who are of both genders it exemplifies their ability to partner.
12. Tries to Trip You Up
Instead of looking out for you and celebrate your individual successes, if they’re more likely to downplay your wins, they ma potentially be destructive, looking for ways to make you stumble so that they appear to have the upper hand. This can be the case when a pair of successful people gets together, especially if one of them may have narcissistic tendencies. Look for someone who celebrates you, encourages you to do better, even helps build you up along the way to success, stay away from anyone who wants to sabotage your personal or professional growth in an effort to keep or tear you down.
13. My Way or the Highway
This potentially narcissistic person is more likely than not going to insist that you comply with their expectations, or follow up with a demand to, “Hit the road, Jack,” or issue a Dear-John letter post haste. If you don’t like it, leave it. They obviously don’t care about you as much as they do themselves. Take advantage of the invitation and just leave, you’re better off without them, cut your losses, leave now, because eventually they will just throw you out anyway.
14. Financial Infidelity
If your partner is weird about finances, keeping financial agreements, or may have undisclosed sources or hordes of financing options, be on guard and be looking for clues of someone who may not be honest with the way they conduct their financial affairs. Money issues are one of the most primary indicators of relationship troubles. You don’t want to be left holding the bag, while your partner scurries off to drain his or her next victim.
There are many discourses on catching the early indicators of a potential abuser. The last thing you want to be in is an abusive relationship. Even though predators are very stealthy early on in a relationship, you may be able to pick up on sings such as how they interact with wait staff, animals or children.
Keep in mind that all abuse is not relegated to only physical. Other kinds of abuse include verbal abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, manipulation, humiliation and/or substance abuse. Healthy relationships should be maintained as abuse-free as possible. And for god’s sake, never think that you can change a potential abuser. Is it possible? Maybe, but not likely.
If you peruse the latest editions of the contemporary magazines, you will likely discover that the publishers pretty much agree on what it is that men seek in a woman to have a long-term relationship including the possibility of marriage and building a life together.
The general consensus is that men are looking for an optimistic woman who is not over confident or suspicious and a good homemaker.
Armed with that information, women in search of a long-term relationship, willing to exchange wedding vows, will try to key in on these characteristics with the hope of attracting their respective Prince Charming.
While well-intended magazines and tabloids try to help women get the men and relationships they are looking for, they are disappointed when the man bids her adieu, protesting “But I was everything he could possibly want. Why would he leave?”
It could be the things you were told (even if you were to ask the men directly) what a man wants, are not as accurate in real life romance.
What does a man really want in a woman?
What a man really wants is an attractive, independent woman without drama, who he can enjoy life with.
There needs to be an initial attraction. While much attention is focused on physical attraction, there is much more to attraction than simply one’s physical appearance. Men find women who know how to dress up for a formal event as well as dress down for a casual play date at the park, or a hike in the woods.
A man likes a woman’s natural beauty, as well as their adeptness at applying makeup. Too much of one or the other may cause him to seek which one that is lacking elsewhere.
Avoiding routine and suggesting a bit of spontaneity is also seen as an attractive trait in a woman.
Forget trying to be a helpless weakling if you’re looking for a solid long-term relationship today, and forget taking dating advice from your mother or grandmother. Times have changed and so have the men. They don’t need someone to make them feel good about themselves (which was valid through the fifties and early sixties).
A man wants a woman who is more his equal, someone he can share all the elements of his life with. So, if you want a man who has a sense of purpose, is confident and secure in himself then you need to bring the qualities you seek to the table also.
The day of the subservient housewife is diminishing as men are more attracted to a partner in life, a confident woman who has her own sense of purpose, has the necessary space in her life to support and encourage him to embrace his own goals and ideals.
Work together when appropriate or feasible, but carve out plenty of together time also, when aspirations are set aside for focusing on each other in tandem.
It’s easy for men and women to have misunderstandings when seeing things from individual perspectives. How you deal with these items when they appear will determine how interested a man will be in committing to a long-term relationship.
A wise woman will state her perception/interpretation while delineating her feelings and not accusing or threatening the man when facing a potential misunderstanding. This also sets the pace for the man as he is more likely to explain his point of view without feeling threatened which could escalate the issue at hand.
We are all entitled to our feelings and communication is encouraged without having to project one’s feelings on your partner. An emotionally sound woman will embrace a clear communication style without unnecessary drama.
Everyone has to find their own joy. Try to match yourself with someone who enjoys the same things in life that you do. When you can have playful fun with activities representing common interests, this helps strengthen the attachment bond between two people.
Expressing yourself, your wishes and dreams with a man is a intellectual approach to relationship building but most men are more kinesthetic. That is to say men are more likely to develop a deep sense of attachment by doing things together, rather than talking about them.
Find meaningful and enjoyable things to do together and lay a firm foundation for a long-lasting relationship that can stand the test of time.
Let’s face it, without friends to share the good moments in life with, it reduces one’s quality of life. And if you’ve taken the position of, “I don’t need no stinking friends,” then it is certain that you will not. If you ever find yourself in need of a friend (which happens from time to time) you will not have anyone to turn to when it would be beneficial to have someone you could lean on.
I’m not saying you have to have a hundred friends, although someone I work with has hundreds of friends – probably the most connected person I’ve ever met – and while he maintains genuine friendships with them, when he needs a friend for anything (personally or professionally) a simple text, email or phone call is all it takes for them jump at the opportunity to help him. A few friends, like four or five, who live in within a hundred miles or so would serve you well.
These should be special friends. That means they are compatible, share some of the same interests and passion as you, integrous, trustworthy and you will have each other’s back. It’s not likely this will happen overnight but to remain open and willing to invite a few special people into your life would help to attract the right kind of people but don’t expect your new friends to materialize in front of you.
You have to put yourself in the right places to find friends who are the kind of people that would make good friends. You might even have to create opportunities to find friends. Consider joining an organization, creating your own club, networking event, regular themed meet up or meeting that will attract participants who are likely to share similar interests.
As you’re attracting a core group of friends who will “have your back” and you theirs, keep in mind that you are not desperate, and do not try to force a friendship. If you’re in the right place at the right time, a potential friendship will blossom naturally. Though you may need to make the first move (invite someone to coffee, etc.) be thoughtful enough not to seem aggressive while finding friends. Maintaining a genuine friendship is not hard work; they simply grow and mature without much effort.
Once you’ve met someone in public, you will need to move to a more private arena to build a relationship. True friendships are built off-line, not just during breaks at events. If you think you are too shy, you might want to practice putting yourself out there enough to create bonds with people you might like or learn to love if given the chance.
If you find a friend, or two, at a particular event or venue, it may be time to reach out to another group of people or to hang out with their other friends at other get-togethers to give you new opportunities to find potential friends that can grow into authentic relationships.
It is important to maintain a sense of community. You may find your regular circle of friends and family are not as supportive of your goals, dreams and desires – and may not even recognize a win for you as such, so – expecting them to celebrate with you would be confusing to them. But a group of like-minded individuals will “get you” and celebrate enthusiastically, helping to cement your new plateau, and encourage you to reach even farther on your quest to your highest and best.
In this day and age, getting into a romantic relationship with someone has a whole new set of quandaries thanks to our affair with the digital age. In some ways our relationship with digital media supersedes our relationship with other human beings.
Let’s face it, especially if we’re dating, there is an ebb and flow, leading to more on than off or off altogether. While your perspective mate may have left… your digital device and social media will remain.
So, it’s prudent to consider how your digital relationship will interface with your other human relationships, and it may be important to know what your digital boundaries are prior to engaging in a relationship with someone else and clearly communicating them early on.
Digital Boundaries in Relationships
To establish your digital boundaries, you need to find out where you are when it comes to where you feel comfortable – or uncomfortable – with what you share digitally.
Questions regarding your digital romance to consider in respect to your current romantic interest might be
Do I want him to monitor my social media?
Am I okay with him posting on my wall?
How do I feel about him tagging me?
Is it okay for him to befriend my social media friends?
Should we post details about our relationship online?
Am I ready to change my relationship status?
What is appropriate text frequency?
How soon do I expect a response when I text?
Is it appropriate to send (or expect) risqué photos of each other (sexting)?
What are the appropriate times for talking or facing via cell phone?
And what is a comfortable length of time for digital communication?
Do we share each other’s cell phones, computers or other digital devices?
Do we exchange passwords to personal devices, email, social media, etc…?
Knowing the answers to these and other questions is the starting point for you setting your digital relationship boundaries.
Discuss and Come to an Agreement
As you establish your relationship (or as soon as possible, if your relationship is already progressing) have a conversation about your digital expectations in your relationship to establish healthy boundaries. Make certain that each of you understand each other’s expectations and agree to honor them before going forward.
Defend Your Boundaries
Just like any other social boundaries, they are your personal space and you must insist on having your space (even if it’s virtual) respected. Your digital space may be more important than your physical space, for if you were victim to physical abuse the bruises wounds and scars would heal over time, while what happens in cyberspace stays in cyberspace. That is to say – even the best efforts to erase something online are often fruitless, as – nearly anything that has found its way online may be retrieved.
The way that you feel about your partner’s digital interface can change over time. Nothing is set in stone, here. Stay open and honest about how you’re feeling and be open about how you feel about your digital concerns. Revisit your digital agreement and modify it as necessary at any time.
In my opinion the sad truth of the deterioration of romantic love in our society is tragic.
Just as everything in the mainstream is moving toward making everything disposable diapers, water bottles, razors, pens, tissues, plates, shower curtains and home furnishings, likewise people and romantic relationships are also becoming more and more disposable.
I have witnessed this transition take place. I’ve seen the budding marriages forged in the fifties, fall victim to the wild abandon of the sixties. Then, in the seventies, the legal system welcomed no fault divorces ushering in the disposable marriage that has led to where we are today, bruised, broken and unable to find any love inside.
I never asked the question, “What is love?” because as far back as I can remember, I had a keen inner sense or knowing what love meant to me, and even though I could have followed my peers in the sexual revolution, I maintained my composure and waited for “the one” I would marry following high school.
Innately, I always had an integrous approach to not only keep my word, but especially to do so if I made a vow of commitment in front of family and friends as witnesses. I pledged my love and commitment to not only a woman, but a family and the community. To me, this was heavy business, as love is a terrible thing to waste.
My deep respect for integrous love is one of the many things contributing to my personal freakiness. I don’t mind admitting it, and I proudly let my freak flag fly. I’d much rather make my own way, forge my own trail, research and discover new ideas, enjoy fulfillment, happiness and a quality of life that eludes the masses.
When I began my journey in the God business, I focused on love and relationships (no surprise, as this was my passion, even wrote a book about it) only to find the people who were attracted to counsel with me were not as interested in healing their relationship. Instead of asking, “How can we make our relationship better?” they were asking, “How do you know when your marriage is over?”
If you are in a potentially amazing romantic relationship, yet constantly on guard, continually looking for signs your marriage is over, chances are you will find what you are looking for. In fact, we know this to be true; you do find what you are looking for (and you always find it in the last place you look).
When someone comes in for relationship counsel asking, “Is my marriage over?” why we don’t just affirm, “Yes, you’ve already aligned yourself with the idea that love doesn’t exist, therefore it does not, and your marriage is over.” Cut your losses now, seek an attorney, get everything you can and be done with it as quickly and inexpensively as possible.
One of the main reasons I shifted my focus from relationships, was because my relationship ministry appeared to be more like torture. If someone is looking for an escape route, planning when to leave a marriage is appropriate. If he or she is thinking about how to end a marriage, then the best intentions of any counselor, therapist, coach or cleric has very little to work with. The best you can hope for is to delay the inevitable which usually leads to more damage, hurt feelings and increased legal battles. Where’s the love in that?
The only people who make out on that deal are the relationship counselors, divorce lawyers and the domestic division of our legal system that supports the whole relationship debacle. (Don’t get me started on the decline of that system…)
I knowingly share the realization of the truth of what is, and I say, “I still believe in true love.” I believe that true love is making its way back to us. I’m not saying that its not (note to editors: the double-negative was intentional) going to be a difficult journey, especially when I look around and survey all the broken people with little capacity for love at all within them (more about that, later…).
Our lack of respect for integrous love has left an indelible mark on our hearts, if it hasn’t stomped out any hope of romantic love for good, but there is a growing compulsion that is beginning to emerge as people realize that all this independence is not what it’s cracked up to be.
True love does exist, there is love waiting for you that is difficult for you to imagine in this moment, and you don’t have to worry about how to find true love, because it will find you. This life, in its highest form is all about love, and you will never be happier and fulfilled as when you change your perspective and begin to peer through the eyes of love.
Think about opening your heart to love… Not just romantic love (that may be too much to ask, from where you are at the moment), but dare to begin to look at anything, beginning with the smallest of things, then progress to other situations and circumstances, with love in your heart.
You will be surprised at how you attract even more love, the more your love light shines from within. It’s a process you can love…
Ever notice how friends seem to come and go throughout your life, yet others… Appear and reappear at various intervals… and when you get together it’s as if no time has passed as you slip right into the loving and caring relationship where you last left off?
That’s the sign of a true friend
People don’t seem to create the same kind of lasting bonds as they used to.
What’s social media got to do with it?
Social media is dual sided
Sure, it can instantly connect us to family, friends, acquaintances, business associates and people from our past. In regards to connecting in this fashion, the medium is priceless. I even use it to be engaged in the lives of my family and kids, somewhat closing the gap of separation by geography.
The electronic medium is instant – and delayed – all at the same time. Someone can post something in real time, and the viewer can view and/or comment at a time that is convenient.
In these respects social media is a huge upgrade to our lives on planet earth.
On the other hand it leads to deterioration in the level of intimacy in social relationships.
Friendships are more superficial, as there is less one-on-one face-to-face intimate communication.
Plus, there is a technological separation – a barrier – which cannot be bridged by social media. It is easier for me to misrepresent, cover-up, be dishonest or lie via social media to my “friends.”
There is less opportunity to open-up, trust and remain unfiltered in true heart-to-heart communication. Which turns out to create a greater need for counseling, coaching and consulting; and even these areas are beginning to move from offices to streaming via electronic mediums.
Making Real Friends
My earliest friendships date back to my childhood; from frolicking and playing (Dog-pile!) with my young friends, out in the open, walking the streets, hiking trails, splashing in streams, playing in the woods… Having fun and exploring; bonding, without supervision, without fear (except the fear of getting in trouble for not honoring the rule of heading for home when the street lights turned on).
Other friendships were forged in between classes from grade school through college. While in-person training is still the accepted model in public schools, there is a growing trend amongst greater education (starting to infiltrate high school) to telecommute or attend via Internet. Not having downtime in between classes, does not allow potential for developing a deep level friendship.
Take a Look Around
The next time you go out to a night club, restaurant – or even a college cafeteria – and take a look around… Even in these public social environments, more and more people are on their phones and tablets, connecting with others, even each other. Yes, I witnessed (and you may, too):
Two men sitting at the bar communicating with each other via text and over social media.
I realize I’m sounding like an “old person” right about now, because the times they are a changing.
The changes have me concerned about the future.
From this perspective, I see the world moving to a place where meaningful relationships are much less meaningful and are superseded by a new model of social connection that – while very connected – is completely disconnected.
How will this affect the future?
Will our children’s children be less likely to have meaningful connections (true friends) with other individuals?
Will there be a growing trend for us to further imprison ourselves, crawling deeper into our homes and only connect electronically with the outside world?
I may only have a handful of true friends – the ones who I have forged impenetrable relationships with, standing the test of time – but they are by far among the most treasured the most meaningful components of a life that would otherwise be solitary, even though I am surrounded by thousands of people. I salute each and every one of you with an enthusiastic
I love you, man!
Now, I’m going to go check to see how liked I am by counting my Facebook friends… 🙂