Not Just the Two of Us

Wouldn’t it be great if the two of you were the only ones your breakup affected?

Reconciliation can be a bit more problematic due to the effect that the breakup had on others.

Not only are the two of you seeking counseling, being brutally honest and open, while trying to embrace forgiveness and building trust and a strong intimate, loving relationship, but you have to manage the impact the breakup had on those around you, mitigating the damages that occurred between the breakup and the reconciliation.

It is likely that you reached out to friends and family for support, while dealing with the emotional trauma associated with being dumped by the love of your life.

It is not uncommon for some of the friend-therapy episodes to include a heaping helping of ex-bashing. No malice was intended, but no one likes seeing their friend suffer from the emotional pain of being kicked to the curb by someone whom they’d otherwise liked, supported and whose friend have given her heart to. “That dog!”

What starts out as well-intended, therapeutic banter and meaningless falderal ignites violent rage (which is better than self-loathing depression) as emotions run high and statements are made that would never had been made if there was the slightest glimpse of hope for reconciliation.

Your friends are against reconciliation like an angry mob

How do you explain to your friends and family that the person who did you so wrong (whom you’ve depicted as a monster), is now back with a smile and handful of flowers?

You would expect nothing less than a tongue-lashing for jumping back into the fire… and while you may be more accepting and working toward building trust again, your friends and family do not want to see you hurt again and are less likely to welcome him (or her) back with open arms.

Some of your friends might even perceive that your reunion with your ex- is an insult to the integrity of your relationship with your friend. In this case, your friend(s) might think you’re better off with other friends, as they start to distance themselves from you as you might be seen as a toxic relationship.

After all, helping a friend recover from a traumatic (or abusive) relationship can exert a great deal of energy, leaving the friend/helper exhausted, depleting their own natural resources – which is acceptable if it helps to save the life of a friend – the sacrifice seemingly disregarded, if the offender returns for more and you let them.

Were promises made by the fleeing ex- to friends and/or family that were broken upon abandonment?

What about the children? Were delicate young lives affected by the break-up? What affect did the broken relationship have on them?

That’s only the half of it.

Of course there are his friends and family. God only knows what he told them about you while the two of you weren’t together.

Romantic relationships are hard enough; add to that the affect they have on many of the people within our social circles, especially those within our inner circle, and the relationship reverberates and ripples throughout our other relationships.

The rebuilding of the relationship with each other will also mean both of you will be rebuilding relationships with the other’s others in an attempt to regain trust and faith among family and friends (even if you did nothing wrong).

Is it worth it?

At some point you have to ask yourself, “Is all this effort really worth it?”

It’s better to ask yourself this question BEFORE you attempt reconciliation, because the last thing you want to do is to exasperate the situation by dragging yourself and everyone else through this nightmare (or possibly a worse one) again.

Be certain that you’re not settling for the sake of convenience.

And maybe you need more friends, like me, who will support you – no matter what you decide – we will be there for you.

True love will prevail All the love you desire is waiting for you

If it really is true love

Love will prevail

All the love you desire is waiting for you

It’s up to you to figure out if it’s with the person who betrayed you?

Or is this a distraction that will keep you from the love you deserve?

If the two of you share an uncompromising love for each other and are willing to endure what it takes to successfully heal your relationship, this could lead to your most amazing love story.

I applaud all those who believe in and cast their vote for love everlasting.

Second Chances

You’ve loved, you’ve lost, the sacredness of your love disregarded, broken trust, betrayal and the lover that left you has returned.

When your ex- comes knockin' do you send him a-walkin'?
When your ex- comes knockin’ do you send him a-walkin’?
What do you do?

First off, you must wrap your head around the idea that if your former lover left you, he or she will likely do it again. Statistically, this is the bottom line.

If 9 out of 10 exiting exes tend to exit again, do you think yours is the 1 out of 10 who will return to stay?

Only if you believe he or she is “the one” (out of ten) then you need to saddle-up and get ready to give it another go, else-wise he or she gets the ole heave-ho.

Identify if you and/or your partner, are serial breakers. Some people actually attract the on again/off again relationship style and have an odd affection for all the drama that comes with it. If you and your partner are both okay with that, there is no need to read on.

There is a tendency to entertain the impossible romance for a variety of reasons, maybe you only remember the good times, being with someone familiar is better than starting over, after the breakup your self-esteem may have been sinking or you would rather be with someone than to be alone.

These are only some of the unhealthy reasons you might be compelled to allow someone into your life who is likely to disappoint, leave you and break your heart again.

There are also healthy reasons that you might consider reconciliation, like truly having an intimate and loving relationship (that goes both ways), maybe the breakup was due to circumstances beyond your control and were not directly connected to your romance and/or sharing children and working together for the common good, amongst others.

If you’re to have any hope of a successful reconciliation the one who left should be remorseful upon re-entry. He or she must be willing and able to recount their departure, explain why they left and genuinely regret their decision to leave. You should be able to “feel” their regret and they should cite some reasons that they believe that he or she would not walk out on you again.

To be certain that you have your wits about you, you should be able to have the answers to some basic questions before you reconcile:

Can you learn to trust him or her again?
Does he or she have a history of bailing out on previous relationships?
Did the break-up happen due to a lack of love in the relationship?
What does the returning ex-lover expect to gain from reconciliation?

Don’t second-guess yourself. Most jilted lovers will turn their attention inward, asking themselves, “What did I do wrong?” even escalating toward levels of self-abuse. Stop it. You didn’t bail on the relationship.

Don’t fall for the old, “What’s in the past is in the past. Let’s just forget it all and start over.”

As you move forward it may be wise to consider enlisting the aid of a therapist or relationship coach to help increase open communication, evaluating issues that may have contributed to the break-up and resolving those issues.

Both parties must review the past, determine what can be changed also be willing and able to make the changes necessary to increase the odds of maintaining and sustaining a long-term romantic relationship.

If you are unable to resolve your differences, there is the likelihood that there is another breakup looming in your future as you wait for the bomb to drop.

When someone returns, who has turned their back on you previously, it could be an opportunity for you to grow and expand in your own self-confidence and consciousness. A firm, “thanks, but no thanks,” may be an appropriate response validating your desire only to surround yourself with people and circumstances that support you, your highest and best life from this point forward.

Plus, there’s more to consider: Romantic Relationships Are More Than Two People