I Love You, But

“I love you, but I don’t like” this, or that. Insert whatever tweaks your sensibilities. There is always some thing(s) you are not going to like about your partner. In fact, there are likely 10 of them. !0 things about your partner that just aren’t going to set right with you.

On the other hand, there are 10 things about your partner which you find absolutely fabulous. (If you’ve been with your partner for some time, they may be difficult to recall at the moment, but if you think back you can remember them.)

Because the truth is, every person has 10 amazing attributes and 10 things that are going to piss you off. This is the nature of people, none of us are perfect. It’s easy to see the 10 things you find so incredible about your partner in the beginning.

It is unlikely that you will be able to see the stuff you’d rather not see until after the honeymoon (Coupling) phase (2). Dr. John Gottmann (10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage) refers to your partner’s undesirable qualities as 10 Irreconcilable Differences.

10 Irreconcilable Differences

According to Gottman the areas you’re likely to have wildly opposing views are,

1. financial matters
2. sexual intimacy
3. child rearing
4. career vs. home
5. politics
6. friendships
7. household chores
8. extended family and in-laws
9. communication style
10. personal habits

When you start to notice these inconsistencies, you’re likely to assume you partner has been hiding them from you. Yet, if you think about it, you will realize this is not true, because people are generally transparent, and had you not been projecting your best ideals onto you partner at the time, you would have seen the clues, if not blatant red flags about these irreconcilable differences.

Back then, all you really cared about was celebrating the 10 qualities youo found so exhilarating about your partner. They were so exciting, and you were so enthusiastic, that those other things just didn’t matter at the time.

Now that you are seeing things more clearly (because you hadn’t taken notice of those 10 things that are now creeping you out), you’re starting to think it might be time to cut run, and you might begin to notice there are other potential partners out there who do not have these 10 things that are gonna rub you the wrong way. Only, guess what? (Brace yourself.)

While that new prospective mate may not have these 10 irreconcilable differences, the fact remains, he or she will bring along his or her own set of 10 things that are going to infuriate you, as well as 10 things you will adore.

What will you do?

It’s up to you to decide what you want to do about it. There’s really no right or wrong way to handle this moment. If it’s not the first time, you can reflect back on how your precious decision served you.

7 Phases of Love

In 90 percent of the time, when people have thought they could do better by ditching the present partner and switching to a new, more exciting partner, more often than not (as expressed to me in confidence) they regretted what they thought was a trade up.

What they realized was while the new partner was indeed exciting, complete with 10 new lovely qualities, he or she also came with 10 qualities which were often worse than the 10 irreconcilable differences that were traded out.

It’s impossible to see or imagine when you’re wrapped up in all the emotion of it, and you can only do what you can do, but when you realize you are where you are, take a minute and try to look at you and your relationship as if you were an uninterested (but compassionate) third-party.

What does it look like from this perspective?

What advice would you give to yourself?

Complexity in Romance

As you’re growing, changing, expanding, and evolving you may notice complexity in romance as your romantic relationships begin to don a new look and feel. As you are becoming more empowered and are filling your desire for love from within, your attention shifts because you no longer are as needy as you were before. You no longer seek love from outside yourself. Instead, you let your limitless love which wells up within you to overflow to others, which leads to complexity in romance due to your spiritual growth.

When you are looking for your soul mate or romantic interest, often you are in search of characteristics which would compliment your own, and – more importantly – you are likely to be looking for support for areas in your life which are lacking.

As you grow and change, you become more confident as the things which may have made you feel as though you needed support from someone else begin to resolve themselves. The areas of your life where you felt inadequacies are no longer threatening to you as your personal growth affects all areas of your life including emotional, physical, spiritual and financial.

If you were lacking in some of these key areas of life when you were looking for a suitable mate, it is likely you sought someone who could assist you in these areas. As you evolve into the higher version of yourself, you no longer seek fulfillment of these areas of life from your partner.

Does that mean love fades?

No. The love that you share with your partner could exponentially grow uninhibited by your need to seek fulfillment in him or her if you are headed in the same direction. On the other hand, it could lead to complexity in romance, as one of you grows and expands, the other one might not, or you could begin to grow in completely different ways, leading lives on diverging paths.

Romantic relationships are a key component in the process of growth. For instance, things are rarely conflict-free in a relationship between two people. When the opportunity for conflict presents itself, it is often an indicator of some inner work that needs to be addressed within yourself, even though it may feel as though your partner is wrong, or attacking you.

Once you start addressing romantic complexities in this way your growth and evolution accelerates as you are constantly finding your heart, body, mind, and soul in a perpetual state of metamorphosis. Instead of looking at ways to mitigate the damages, you are healing those overwhelming and/or delicately intimate areas of your life.

In this way, romantic partners provide us with a mirror which reflects to our consciousness those areas which need to be addressed further expanding your continued growth and evolution. There could come a time when your continued growth may not be impacted by this person anymore. If you are still in need of further inner growth, you may attract someone else in your life to work out your other life issues.

Ever notice how you (or someone else) might be attracting the same kind of person into your life over and over again? This is a clear indication that you have unresolved issues that you have not processed internally, yet. Until you have done so, you will always attract the type of person who will present these issues to you as if they were on a silver platter.

“It’s not me. It’s them!”

Sure, it looks like they’re at fault, but this is a bold indication that there is work in you centered around this area of life that needs to be addressed and dealt with until you can move to a higher vibrtational relationship.

Once this relationship has served its purpose, the romantic interest will fade, leaving you feeling more like pleasant roommates or brother and sister. If anger and resentment persists, this chapter has not reached its conclusion. Separation may be bitter and painful, and (sorry to say) more of the same is already on its way.

When you have healed and evolved to a certain degree of healthy advancement, only them can you truly exercise your free will when attracting and selecting a mate, otherwise, your seeking will be powered by lack and need for growth.

At some point you will begin to understand that relationships don’t happen to you, they are manifested from that deepest part of you which seeks to encourage your personal growth and expansion. You are never a victim, always the student.

You will never again cry out the question,

“Why is this happening to me?”

Because you will know you attracted this complexity in romance for your greatest good. When you find the lesson, apply the understanding, heal and grow through to the next level, you are genuinely grateful for the experience and are able to continue, no longer having to suffer the angst of that issue forthwith.

You are Healing Love

There is no one to blame for feeling as though you are in conflict, disrespected, or abused when complexity in romance arises. Once you understand the truth, you welcome these feelings as indicators of areas of life which need to be addressed before you can move on, and it’s all on you. You are the healing lover.

It’s then that you realize that everything is connected. Everything happens at the right time and everything is perfectly perfect. Now, you can sit back, relax, love and enjoy the show.

Want to learn more? Consider attending an Awakening to True Love Workshop.