You can’t want for someone more than they want for themselves

You can’t want for someone more than they want for themselves. You’ve been around people you cared about to varying degrees, people who you just knew if they would embrace this little insight or piece of wisdom from you, their life would be much greater, healthier, more satisfying, and they would be genuinely happy.

You’re so sure this one little change would change everything for the better for them.

Would you do it? In a heartbeat. In fact, you may have already done it, and seen the rewards that came from it. You can care about a person so much, see the bright future which is waiting for them, if they could only take this step in a new direction, but they cannot see it or will not do it, even if it means saving their own life.

Yesterday, I lost a friend, who passed on, well… by choice.

She, and others whom I’ve cared deeply about, continued to make life choices which led to their leaving this planet’s third dimension, in my opinion, prematurely. Its as if they willed their early departure.

I would talk to them, reason with them, and eventually, once I understood that they understood what I was trying to tell them, continue to love and bless them as I watched them continue down a path that I would have regretted, had it been me walking in their shoes.

You can’t want for someone more than they want for themselves, even if thier own lives hang in the balance.

When I was younger, I saw people I cared for making choices that would greatly affect their lives when they were older. While they may have suffered the consequences of their action in their youth, rarely did it cost them their lives.

Back then, they were more likely to suffer a decrease in their quality of life. Most of them found ways to feel as though they were thriving in the bed(s) they had made for themselves. I continued to bless and love them, as our lives grew further and further apart.

Now, that I am older, many of the people I love and care about are older, and their choices have far greater impact, and the price to pay may be their very lives. And I see it more and more, all around me.

People dying for no good reason

I realize the divinity in all things. I know that my path not your path, as similar or as dissimilar as our paths might be. I honor your ability to follow any path you choose and hope that you can have the same respect for me and mine, no judgment, only blessings and love.

Even so, every once and a while, you can want something so badly for someone else who just will not make that little change to their life which would change everything, not only their life but exponentially the lives of others, even the whole world.

You can’t want for someone more than they want for themselves.

A few weeks ago, I was with a friend when he suffered a heart attack, shortly after he’s arrived at the hospital. I was with him when the doctor can in and advised him to check in for further testing. He was also advised not to leave the hospital because he might not survive another attack of this type.

My friend refused to stay in the hospital and not to submit himself for further testing to determine the intricacies of the issues concerning his heart. He told the doctor that he would take holistic responsibility for his own health care management.

I expected the doctor to protest, to plead a case for obtaining more information about my friend’s heart condition, but the doctor got up and said, “You take as much time as you need to think about this, then you are free to leave. If you change your mind, just press that button and a nurse will be here to help you get ready.”

At first, I thought the doctor had very little decorum, then after my shock resided, I realized the doctor’s wisdom and respect for my friend, honoring him and empowering him to be the master of his own fate.

Duly noted.

Once you’ve made yourself clear in love, without judgment, ridicule, disrespect, or sarcasm, and they choose to do it their own way, you must love and respect them for their decision. As much as you might want for them this thing which would result in so much good for themselves, their family, friends, circle of influence, and even the world, you cannot want it more than they want it for themselves.

I mean, you can want this thing, whatever it is, more than they want it for themselves, but to continually bring it up for them, to rub their nose in it, or browbeat them with your ideas which are contrary to their views, ideals, and decisions, is nothing short of abuse.

Simply make your views known in a non-threatening manner then love and bless them as they do with it what they may. Their life is their sacred journey. Honor it, no matter where it leads.

You can still harbor your feelings that they could do better, continue to meditate on their behalf, or pray for them, but know this is thier life not yours. They cannot do anything wrong, for their journey is perfect, in every way, just the way it is.

Sure, they may protest periodically, even blame you for some of their life’s discomfort, and chances are, you have done the same thing when things became challenging in your life. So challenging in your life, that you thought you’d barely escape with your life intact, but you made it.

At times in your life, people have advised you to do this or that, to go this way or go that way, but you decided to make your own way, and suffer the consequences or reap the rewards for doing so.

Why would you dishonor anyone’s ability to do the same no matter what the outcome?

I know, your response is,

“But if it were me”
or,
“If I could do it all over again…”

It is perfectly admirable for you to share the insights gained from your experience with others, but their journey is not yours.

In regard to giving advice, my friend, Edward, says, “Some will. Some won’t. Next.” In a sense, saying to share your stories and experiences with them, then let go of any expectation that they might take any of your advice at all.

No, “Only ifs…”

Good friends are hard to come by, and it’s hard to watch them leave.

I miss my friend. Wish she was still here.

I know she is happier now. I celebrate the time that we spent together and share her joy in the hereafter.

Still, a part of me is sorrowful.

This, too, shall pass, as love and joy overshadow my selfish sadness.

Loved, blessed, and missed nonetheless.

Helping someone who hasn’t asked for it

I know you like to help people. You see someone struggling and you want to lend a hand to offer them support so they can have a better life. This is all good and shows you have a servant’s heart.

It’s a tough row to hoe when you’re helping someone who hasn’t asked for it.

The key is to be gentle when dealing with someone who hasn’t really asked for your help. You cannot assume where they are in their life’s journey and you cannot know what’s going on inside someone else’s head or heart.

You cannot want something more for someone else than they want it for themselves.

Just be humble and offer him or her a choice. As you are encouraging others, try to remain empathetic and let them know you’d like to have them as a part of your circle of friends, and let them opt in or out. Let it be their choice.

You can’t really help someone who doesn’t want your help.

Letting your inner love-guidance system lead you, invite them to play with you in your world. You could invite them to share a meal or attend an event with you, and see how they do.

You hear many stories of personal metamorphosis which started with someone taking notice of them and inviting them along to experience something new. All they need was that little nudge to engage more fully in the spectrum of life.

A person might reject your initial invitation because they have low-self esteem or is not feeling up-to-par or lacking in self-confidence. So, it might be a good idea to walk away after the first rejection but give him or her another opportunity or two.

If you can find out why they don’t want to join you, maybe you can address that issue, then move on. Otherwise, don’t make them feel as though you are pressuring them.

You can help them by offering helpful comments about your observations of their social interactions if they are open to it, remembering to be gentle and kind as you do so.

The best way to give someone advice is to model the behavior yourself, like, “Watch me. See how I do it.” Let them observe you, then encourage them, “Now, you try it.”

In social situations, you can do the heavy lifting by setting up introductions for them, like,”Hey, this is my friend Jason. He’s an expert in repurposing technology. He’s amazing at taking old tech and turning it into something amazing. Don’t you have some old technology collecting dust?” Then, let them take it from there, as you continue to mingle elsewhere.

If you notice him or her struggling, don’t rush to their rescue. Just make a note of it for review later, in private. You are not coddling anybody, just giving him or her an opportunity to find their own way.

Be careful not to criticize but offer support humbly. You can lightheartedly mention that maybe next time, he check for toilet paper attached to his shoe before he leaves the restroom, without intimidating.

If you’re going to confront them on a bigger issue, like, let’s say she is a Debbie Downer, you might have to do a little more coaching on the many ways they can have more positive interactions with others in social settings.

Always remember, no one is broken or wrong. Everyone is just doing the best they can with what they have. You can offer assistance if they are willing to do their part along the way.

If they are not willing to participate with you in kind, then bless them as they make their own way. You may not be the best match to assist them or maybe this is just not a good time for them.

God bless you for reaching out, the world is a better place because of you.

How Can I Help You?

For those of us in the help industry often lead with the question, “How can I help you?” If it is not just your job but your calling to help others, you will find yourself helping everyone, all the time, which if you let it get the best of you, will find yourself in burnout.

Helping others is a spiritual calling, one of the spiritual gifts (1 Corinthians 12:28) which unless you have the servant’s heart, your offer to help will only be regarded as a job. If you have the gift of helps your drive to help and your efficacy in helping far surpasses your contemporaries, and it’s easy to get lost in the exercising of your gift of helps.

Any endeavor you are incredibly passionate about can get the best of you. You want to do your best, but in order to do so you need to give from the best of you. This is far different from giving all you’ve got until there’s nothing of you left.

In my mission, “Helping others achieve their highest and best,” the word, “helping” is right at the beginning of the darn thing. Believe me, I’ve let this helping consume me so much, that there was nothing left, and it is terribly apparent, if you allow your calling to overwhelm you, you will find yourself at the most desolate place in life.

You want to offer your assistance to others with the best intentions when you ask, “How can I help you?” When people or organizations accept your offer of help and have benefitted from your assistance, they can become obsessed with your ability to serve them. This is where you, as the helper, need to be responsible enough to manage their need in respect of your desire to help (not your ability to help).

When, “How can I help you,” turns into someone’s assertion, “I need you to help me,” makes you feel good as if you are accomplishing your mission and being true to your calling, unless or until your helping has fallen out of balance.

For me to help someone achieve their highest and best, I could give and give and give even more, without regard to my self-maintenance (and I have found myself in this situation, periodically). At some point, you awake from the momentum of enthusiastic helping with a moment of clarity in the realization that you’re in need of a little (or a lot of) self-attention.

What you do at this moment of clarity makes all the difference. You can say, “I made a commitment, and I must follow-through because I gave my word,” and let your integrity take you to an early grave, or you could learn how to apply your sacred, “no.”

All things in life are subject to change, so taking action as early as possible to renegotiate the terms of your agreement to help, is of primal importance for the continued performance of your gift of helping others in perpetuity.

Even if your client, organization, or friend protests and in tears and proclaims, “But I need you,” reinforcing with, “I can’t do this without you!” you are about to allow a miracle to take place.

Your ego might step forward and assert that there is no other way for this work to continue without you, as if you were not to continue to perform your function, all your work will crumble to the ground and fail. Recognize this and keep your ego in check.

Understanding that telling someone, “no,” is a sacred act on your part which offers the person you’re politely adjusting to experience a secret, “yes.” They are not aware of the secret yes at the outset, because they may experience a feeling of rejection. Yet, the secret is that there is an amazing opportunity waiting to emerge on the other side of every no.

In this way, your sacred no ushers in growth and expansion which desires to be brought forth. Every sacred no is a secret yes.

The whole universe desires to see all the goodness be born through the work you have begun and momentum you have helped to build. When you start to withdraw from a project, it allows others to step into their gifts and special abilities.

In this moment, they are able to overcome their inner fear and obstacles because their inner hero is being called forth. Thank God, you were able to allow this to be birthed. In this way, you have encouraged someone else to embrace their gifts and special abilities to rise to achieve their highest and best.

Your sacred no helps you to maintain your high level of performance and has helped to make the world a better place.

Try it and see what happens.

Never stop inviting others with your, “How can I help you?” Just be aware that you need to serve by being true to yourself and to share from your overwhelming love and care of yourself.

Thank you for all you do to help others and make the world a better place.

What Other People Think or Say

You know you’ve come to this planet with a unique Purpose, Message, Passion, and Mission (PMPM). Yours may not be hugely star-spangled and glorious with your name in lights and a guest spot on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday but yours is just as significant and meaningful, if not more so, because your intention and the effort you exert to communicate and engage with your calling helps to raise the vibration of our planet, encouraging and allowing others to begin to awaken and evolve.

All thanks to you and what you do, because all growth, expansion and inspired action has a cumulative effect on the world. Every inspired heartbeat, display of devotion, encouraging word, loving thought, meditation, smile, or tear shed increases the energy which positively charges our planet for our expansive evolution and makes the world a better place.

In many cases, fear will keep you from doing that thing you’ve been called to do. You’re intimidated by what other people might think of you, so you’re more likely to do what others want you to do, to look, act and try to feel like others expect from you. You’re likely to not pursue a track to your highest and best because of the people you love the most, your family, friends, co-workers, even people you barely even know, because of what they might think.

You spend your life in the service of others, adopting the people-pleaser mentality, for a meager sense of feeling as if you’re doing the right thing, as you neglect your own needs, wants, and desires, in a form of martyrdom. You’re probably engaged in work that is unsatisfying and feeling as if you are not respected or honored for the sacrifices you make on the behalf of others.

What Other People Think or Say

What if I told you that the most powerful people affecting the world for change and evolutionary expansion don’t really care what you, or anyone else, thinks?

If you want to do your thing, stop worrying about what other people think or say.

This is about you, your calling, your contribution to making the world a better place, even if in the smallest way, as you step into the inspiration and power of that which gives your life meaning and allows you to achieve your highest and best.

Loving Me Time

It’s time you carved out some sacred space for you to engage in some loving me time. As you may already have gotten wind of the idea that if you really want love, and to really love others, you have to start by loving yourself.

Dedicate your loving me time to loving yourself, everything about you, from the day you were born until now, and become your own best friend. The more you learn to fill you, your soul, and your life with an empowered higher vibration of love, the more you have to share with others, and the more love, the truest of loves, comes into your life. Turning you into a virtual love generator and love magnet.

From this powerfully love-energized position you are better equipped to positively charge and affect the world around you in your service to others. How much more effective can you be now, when you desire to care for and share with others, as your overflowing love cascades over everything you do?

What if someone puts me down?

When I was a young man, I found a way to make extra money by playing music in bar bands. As a tenor, I was able to harmonize with other band members and add value to the performance. I later decided to do my own music. Intimidated by what people said about my lack of professional singing voice, I surrounded myself with singers who could sing the songs I was writing.

This led to an endless rotation of singers, as well as other musicians, and any chance I might have had to establish “my sound” or make an impact with my music was lost. All because of what someone said about the quality of my singing voice (and my lack of self-confidence).

Later, when I got involved in the ministry, I was so inspired, nothing could stop me from speaking my piece, or singing my songs about God and our relationships with Him and each other. I had to come to the point that I would powerfully pursue my mission to spread love and help others achieve their highest and best, regardless of what other people thought or might say.

As my inspiration, commitment and resolve grew within me, as well as my love for myself and others, embracing my own unique gifts, skills and abilities, I had become bulletproof in my passion and in the expression of my ministry.

Your purpose, message, passion, and mission are your sacred birthright. Nothing anyone could say or do could make that untrue and the onus is on you to embrace your calling and forge your path being true to yourself, sharing your unique skills, gifts, and special abilities, which is the least you can do for being blessed with the opportunity to experience this life.

And,

what other people think or say doesn’t matter.

You are raising the vibration of our planet, encouraging and allowing others to begin to awaken and evolve.

Thank you for everything you do.

 

Veterans Day

Veterans Day is the day that we honor those who have served in the United States Armed Services consisting of the military services of the Army, Marine Corps, Navy, Air Force, and Coast Guard.

veterans-day-pfc-aaron-fairbairn-thankyouaaron-thank-you-for-your-service

To those who have served and continue to serve, we offer up a huge debt of gratitude and heart-felt honor from those of us, the citizenry of the United States of America, whom you serve in our stead.

There have been times when serving in the US Armed Services was not an option. Those of us who are old enough, saw our friends and family mandated to serve in the military, forced to fight on our behalf by law, sometimes against their will. Regardless, whether a veteran volunteered or was drafted, you were placed in a position – that for whatever reason – I and my fellow Americans were spared.

You, our United States Veterans are the true heroes of our nation and in my opinion deserve the highest respect and honor.

On July 4, 2009 PFC Aaron Fairbairn was called upon by the President of the United States and God Almighty to pay the ultimate sacrifice for our country.

Years have passed since then, and the pain of that day is still ever present, though my thoughts of what took place on Aaron’s fateful day have run the gamut. I have had other relatives who served, though they lived long enough to be honored on this day. I knew there would be times Aaron would be at risk, I expected him to return to American soil, as did my other relatives.

When I talked to him on the phone the evening of July third (after a period of imposed “radio silence” during which he was not allowed to call) he assured me that everything was okay. During that short phone conversation we talked and laughed before exchanging I-love-you(s) as he longed to phone other friends also while he had time. None of us had any idea that it was going to be the last time we would talk with Aaron.

Though we honor all who have served, are serving – and some are volunteering even as I type these words – some have made and will make the ultimate sacrifice carrying out their oath of service. For Aaron and all those who were called upon to deliver this fateful level of service, America honors them on Memorial Day.

pfc-aaron-fairbairn-brothers-in-arms-cop-zerok-paktika-afghanistan

I can’t help to imagine what it must have been like for Aaron and his brothers in arms in the Battle of COP Zerok Paktika in Afghanistan that ensued that day, but it must have been horrifying. As unimaginable as it is for me to think that Aaron was having to draw fire on the enemy, I couldn’t help but think the young man who was shooting at him was someone else’s son, who also made the same sacrifice for what he believed in that day.

No matter what you think of war or the military in general, it can be a very nasty business and thanks to Aaron and all who have served, the rest of us are able to have the freedoms we are offered by the USA while we are spared the potential horror and/or loss of life thanks to their service.

To all Veterans:

May God bless everyone who has taken the States Armed Services oath of service. I will be forever grateful for your courage.

Thank you for your service.

This day, I feel that we are blood brothers and I honor you.

Preserving the Servants Heart

I have a servant’s heart, as do many of my clients. There is a downside to being of selfless service to others, and that is neglecting the self-care necessary to maintain a healthy life for the person possessing a servant’s heart. The result is a decline in emotional health, that left to deteriorate, will affect the biological system and adding undue mental stress. This could result in lack of self-respect, angst, premature aging and a host of other health-related issues.

Preserving the servants heart self respect healthy boundaries

The servant must find ways to preserve themselves to be able to better serve their clients, community and/or world at large. Often, the servant feels as though, “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one,” (Spock, Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan).

There needs to be a healthy balance, even so – rarely – one may be called upon to make the ultimate sacrifice for the greater good. Many have had to answer the call, including my 20-year-old son who answered this call on a particular 4th of July while serving in the Armed Services in Afghanistan, though most of us in the service of others will not face paying the ultimate price on their behalf.

That said, to better serve others best, we in service must pay enough attention to our own needs to maintain a healthy platform to work from enabling us to better serve our communities.

Servants need to stop feeling the needs of others are more important than their own. If you have neglected your own self-care, it’s time to take back your life to increase your effectiveness in servitude. Your needs are important and only you have the ability to tend to your needs. It can be uncomfortable, but taking steps to preserve one’s self is paramount to your success in effective service over time.

The key is balance

Learn to say, “No”

For the servant, it can seem counter-intuitive, but you were created with an internal sensor to help you monitor when and what serves your highest and best performance of your service. Some call it intuition; at the very least it is that undaunted feeling of overwhelm, a clear indication the situation at hand is not congruent with your personal terms of service.

In this moment it is certainly prudent for you to exercise your ability to simply say, “No.” (I can see that grimacing expression on your face. Stay with me…) you must start using this word. Uncomfortable as it may be at first, trust me, it will get easier. It’s a small two-letter word that will help you create enough space to establish a basic parameter. It is not your calling to be all things to all men and besides, saying no doesn’t imply that you don’t respect or like someone; it only means no. That’s all.

You may need a little wiggle room to muster up a firm, “No.” If so, you could offer up a stall tactic, like, “Let me check my schedule and get back to you.”

If you have a long history of always saying, “Yes,” when it was not in your best interest, you could dress it up a bit by saying, “Now is not a good time for me,” or, “that’s not really my area of expertise,” and refer them to someone more keenly attuned to that particular circumstance or project.

You can refer them to someone who is better suited or equipped to take on the task, or encourage the person approaching you to examine their own abilities and some insightful review might lead them to the conclusion that they may have the skills necessary to undertake it on their own. Why not use your intuition to give them the opportunity to grow?

In the event you have accepted a particular responsibility and felt uncomfortable or resentful for having accepted the challenge, this is a clear indication, that when approached with this type of offer in the future, declining the assignment is certainly in order.

For the persons who call on you to serve them, and have little respect for all that you do, ask yourself, “Would I let this person treat my son or daughter, like that?” If the answer is no, then it’s time to start setting some healthy boundaries.