Some people will drain the life out of you, like energy vampires. Others will introduce infectious toxicity in relationships in and about your life. Every so often you need to do a bit of social housecleaning to preserve your personal sacred space.
You never have to subject yourself to the toxicity of others, and their toxicity can take many subtle forms. Sometimes you just have to let them go. It’s all part of your personal growth process.
Keep in mind that some of the toxic people in your life are not maliciously toxic. Often people are not intentionally toxic, it is merely their unconscious state of being, and they are unable to help themselves as they are infected with the poison of toxicity.
This is common among victims of abuse. In an effort to protect themselves from being abused, they more often than not take on the very thing which they fear, and this cannot help but be felt by others who are within their proximity.
They will unintentionally subtly victimize others unbeknownst to their conscious mind as a twisted form of self-preservation.
If they’ve trusted and been betrayed, and have been infected, they will be unable to trust you. They will harden their heart, and you will find yourself having to jump through hoops to prove your trustworthiness. If the infection by their abuser was severe, they may not be able to be trusted themselves as the poison courses through their veins.
Forget about helping someone in this condition, you will never be able to love them through this phase of life. Without trust, there is no love. It will take a profound epiphany and awakening for this person to break free from the disease and it is a mission that only he or she can take on en solo. All you can do is to walk away and let them find their own way, or not. Their mission is not yours.
You cannot love anyone enough to make someone love you. Love without trust leads to toxic false accusations and abuse. They cannot love in this condition, only maintain high levels of suspicion and manipulation. Their distrust can be so pervasive you can even start to question your own trustworthiness. You are never obligated to compromise your own psychological well-being for the benefit of someone else’s dysfunction.
As much as they pressure and attack you, know this, is not about you at all. It’s about them, and the trauma they’ve endured in their past. Their fear will project that which they fear onto you as they continue to morph into that which they despise.
You may honestly and truly love this person, but they will only drag you down as you are infected with their disease, until you are just as broken and vile as he or she is, if you tarry for very long.
Their fear will filter and twist your words and deeds to use them as weapons against you. No matter how hard you try to help them, show them compassion, or accommodate them, their needs, wants, and desires, you will never be good enough for them.
They will control any attempt to conduct a conversation, over-talking and not letting you get a word in edgewise. It’s all about them, and you are merely a distraction, except for any supply you can provide to this borderline narcissist.
Your attempts to reason with them will only run round-and-round in circles with you wondering what the hell is happening. The more you talk, the more words he or she will have to use against you.
They will assert how good a person they are, while they continue to put others down, and they’re likely not to hold up to their part of the bargain when you agree upon a reasonable compromise. When they insult you or put you down, it makes them feel better about themselves and creates an air of superiority.
Even if they are a genuine empathetic human being, while they are jacked-up on distrust and suspicion while infected with this disease, they cannot muster empathy when upset and they will only see despicable flaws and danger in you. And if you dare misstep or make a mistake, do not expect to be forgiven, even if he or she utters the words, as your faux pas will just be more fuel for their vile dysfunction.
If you act trustworthy, you deserve to be treated in a trustworthy manner. If not, it is on you to change your circumstance. If they cannot have faith in you, find a way to preserve your sacred space and free yourself from their toxicity less you be infected by the disease yourself.
Do not despise, allow yourself to feel angry, become defensive, or hate this person for being infected with this disease, they cannot help it. If you cannot contain yourself and look upon their condition with compassion, then you may have already been infected with the disease.
Finding a safe place to be, free from the influence of this person is the best thing you can do for yourself, and for the victim of the infection. Only in solitude will this person be able to see their poison and find the wherewithal to heal themselves from what ails them.
You are love. You need to preserve and nurture your love yourself. You deserve to have your love reflected back to you from others who are able to do so.
Continue to love and bless others and allow them to find their own way, or not.
Unless you’re called to live the single life (as some people are), you are genetically designed and physically manifested as an individual who thrives as one-half of a romantic coupling with another. The benefits of this coupling are enhanced by joining together in the sacred bond of marriage.
Notably, there is a huge difference between the benefits of taking wedding vows for a good marriage between two people and the tragic toxicity of trying to manage a bad marriage.
In the best relationships, marriage is good medicine. There are at least 12 health benefits you can enjoy from being in a healthy love relationship with your spouse. It doesn’t have to be perfect by any means, just moderately meaningful, manageable, and positive for the most part.
On the other hand, even though you may enter a relationship with the best intentions, and pledged to be bonded for life, marriage can be very toxic, and thank God, if it is abusive or unmanageable, there is a way out.
If you’re in a toxic or abusive relationship this is a call to arms. You should look for insights within yourself, seek refuge, get out and be safe. No marriage or commitment to a relationship requires your being abused, ever. It only signifies your need to leave, learn, and move on.
For those of you who predisposed to looking for red flags in relationships, some early warning signs of relationships which could potentially go sideways on you might include keeping secrets or withholding (which is tantamount to lying).
Being dishonest, deceptive, sneaking around, and hiding things are signs of something deeper and darker which will show its hidden identity one day.
As you enter into a relationship, if you’re witnessing assertions of “this is yours” and “this is mine” attitude about a variety of things, be aware that this kind of division is counter-intuitive for genuine coupling where the focus should be on the “sharing” of most things.
While the yours-and-mine attitude is generally accepted as a healthy perspective, often supported by relationship professionals and the legal community, it fosters separateness and can be extremely problematic when fighting over what rightly belongs to whom in the process of dissolution which can be extremely traumatic and expensive.
If your mate is likely to spend time pointing out all your faults (or often accusing you of possessing his or her faults) it is highly unlikely that you will ever be good enough for this person, expect it only to get worse.
Conflict in a good relationship leads to resolution, while conflict in an unhealthy relationship demands compliance or sacrifice and often leads to chaos and abuse.
A mate who is unsupportive and selfish will not put forth the effort to put the work into making the relationship better, unless he or she is able to manipulate a relationship therapist or coach to support his or her agendas, as a method to manipulate and mold you for his or her benefit.
If you’re not the most important person in your partner’s life, his or her priorities are not in alignment with the goals of a healthy and happy relationship between two people. This is not to say that your partner should have a healthy independence and positive friends and social connections, only that you should be the most highly regarded person in their circle of influence.
A toxic partner will emphasize your missteps and hold grudges against you ad infinitum when forgiveness and creating a new normal is the order of the day in dealing with relationship shortfalls, loving through our imperfections, leading to a better healing day, moving positively into the future together.
Marriage is a celebration of the life of two people. It is a joining of two people co-creating a positive future together and upholds the sacred potential which surpasses the potential of either party without the other.
Toxic or abusive relationships indicate your need to look within to find why you might have attracted this life circumstance. Please look inside and find what lurks in the dark recesses of your soul because if you don’t, your next relationship will present you with the same problematic circumstances.
Only you have the power to stop this negative relationship cycle by doing the deep inner work and embracing all the love which resides inside of you. Only then, will you be able to move on in unconditional love, which is desperately waiting for you,
Here we go again, the end of yet another relationship, and things have not turned out the way you wanted. You start to question what’s wrong with you and ask, “Why do I keep attracting jerks?” or the wrong lovers?
Here’s the answer. First off, there are some things in play, that once to recognize it, will help you get a handle on what is happening. This knowledge will help you make the necessary adjustments as you entertain the idea of finding a suitable love interest.
There is a lot of talk about chemistry between two people, which is likened to a like-mindedness or sense of familiarity which makes it easy to be attracted to or fall in love with someone with whom you feel this “chemistry.” While this sounds well and good, the actual chemistry that is going on is quite contrary to what you’re thinking it is.
Chemistry is not compatibility, chemistry is the chemical reaction that’s triggered by the release of the love hormone cocktail send rushing through your brain, hijacking your mind and your body. The same thing happens when you take a hit of cocaine.
You are high (literally) and understandably not in the proper frame of mind to make rational choices. Although, things will be exciting and fun for as long as the level of this chemical reaction is sustained at a fairly high intensity.
Unfortunately, the chemistry declines and fades over time, and at some point, you start to sober up and see things more clearly. This is when you start to notice inconsistencies that you couldn’t see earlier because you were basically love-stoned out of your mind.
What triggers your love cocktail?
Many things come into play for triggering the release of your love cocktail, normally it’s a combination of your survival instinct which is attracted to physiological strength and hints of financial and social success, either in his or her present state or projected into the future. That’s on one hand.
On the other hand, you are also triggered by your past, an attraction smoothie blended of childhood trauma, focus on unresolved issues with a dysfunctional parental relationship, and the history of your life. This attraction smoothie will have you triggered by the worst possible person for you.
Okay, actually this is the best person for you; not for a love-relationship, but for your personal growth. When you feel the onslaught of your overwhelming personal chemistry engaging, it’s a pretty sure sign that something unpleasant is ahead.
People come into your life for one of two reasons.
As a Lesson
You attract toxic people who are necessary for you to learn something that you wouldn’t be able to see in any other way. If you close off the idea of issues that need to be dealt with or changes you need to make, the dysfunction increases until you crack.
Running, claiming you’ve been victimized yet again, and hiding yourself away only offers a temporary pause in the process. When you are ready to re-engage in life again, here he or she comes again. Why?
You can break the cycle by looking within, asking yourself why. If you’re unable to see any changes that would be beneficial for you to make within yourself and your own life, then inviting a third-party, a coach, counselor, or clergy to help you uncover the areas in your life that could be better.
The Lesson-people are there for your highest and best, even though it feels like the opposite at the moment when you are overwhelmed with the pain of the toxicity.
As a Blessing
Other people are attracted to you to be supportive, to help you maintain a level keel throughout the crazy that life throws at you. These are your (angels) friends who will be there for a season, as they move in and out of your life, while a select few will be there for longer periods of time (sometimes a lifetime).
So, instead of your first reaction toward someone that makes you feel bad, do not focus your attention on the act, situation, or circumstance which causes you to feel angst or as though you’ve been victimized, look inside yourself.
Ask yourself, “Why?”
“What can I do to deal with the issues of my past, or changes I can make in myself to neutralize this challenge once and for all?”
The answer is the key to your liberty, breaking free from the cycle, and a better self-aware life filled with love and happiness.
The greatest love of all awaits and starts with you.
Let’s face it, if you’re open to having an effective romantic relationship with another person, you probably already know you’re swimming in shark-infested waters. Still, we want to believe true love is possible – and I believe it is – so we continue to allow ourselves to be open and somewhat vulnerable because we know that is the only way to have a truly meaningful relationship.
The earlier you notice the warning signs of a potentially problematic or toxic relationship, the better. Although unfortunately we find ourselves in relationships and are only able to see the red flags after they have established a level of comfort and let down their guard. At that point you have to decide if it’s time for you to conduct your relationship ending to allow for a more healthy relationship to appear on the landscape.
15 Signs for Relationship Ending
1. It’s All About Me
If your partner is self-absorbed there may be no room for you in his of her life. Certainly, you might be invited to participate in their life but more as an accessory than a partner. You might be able to see signs of potential narcissistic personality disorder on their facebook or other social media accounts. Look for obsessive selfies and little else. If it’s all about them on their social media, it’s a good indicator that any relationship will also be about them, too. Look for someone with the capacity to have relationships with friends and family if you hope for them to have the ability to become a team player in your life.
2. Do This, Don’t Do That
If they have a long list of rules they expect you to follow and more often than not making suggestions to change you, this is likely never going to change, and you shouldn’t be expected to. This may also be a warning sign that you might be getting involved with a psychopath or someone in the anti-social personality disorder spectrum. If they’re expecting you to change to meet their requirements, consider changing prospective mates.
3. More Interested in What You Do
If your partner appears to be more interested in your career (and you have a good job with benefits, opportunities for promotions or influential in the community) then he or she might not be interested in you at all. It’s likely not just about liking what you do, but they’re more focused on what you can bring to the table for them. If it’s not about you, who you are as a person, it’s because they’re not interested in you and they lack the capacity to connect in a real way.
4. Not Interested in What You Want to Do
If you’re constantly trying to invite our partner to participate in activities that you enjoy and he or she is resistant to going along or could care less, how long could you live like that? Though, they might be quite expectant that you participate in their activities. If they’d rather you go alone and administer endless guilt trips for doing so, these are not signs of a potentially successful long-term relationship. It’s not up to you to always be the sacrificial lamb or the martyr. A true partnership includes a bit of give and take if it is expected to last.
5. Conversation Domination
Are they constantly talking about me, me, me and don’t seem to be interested in you? You can clearly see it when you’re trying to communicate with them. They rarely if ever ask you about you, and when you find yourself intimating details about you, your day, your life, they interrupt and make it about them. Try disagreeing with the. If they are more focused on defending their position than listening to your point of view, then what’s the point? Conversation – just like your relationship – needs to be a two-way street, if you want to be more in someone’s life than an audience member validating their sense of importance.
6. Doesn’t Keep Promises
Your prospective mate is armed and ready with a long list of excuses about why he or she was unable to d what he or she said they would do and may even look to blame you in some way for his/her inability to fulfill his/her obligation(s). This is not only shirking responsibility, but may be a clear indication that this person has no sense of integrity to bring to the relationship. How can you be expected to trust someone who won’t keep their promises?
7. Could Care Less About Others
If someone is self-centered, inconsiderate or rude, they may be borderline narcissists. You see it every day, the person who dominates the fast lane at low speed not aware of anything or anyone else being on the road, they stand in doorways unaware of others who would like to use the egress point, they talk out loud with their blue tooth device stuffed in their ear in public, are constantly checking their phones at inopportune times and places, holding up foot traffic or disrespecting other people attempting to engage with them. You are not likely to be truly seen by this person as the person you truly are, only a less than visible passer-by. Don’t hold onto the false hope of making a genuine connection with this type of person.
8. Pointing Out Others’ Faults
If your partner is constantly pointing the finger at other people, putting them down, disrespecting or making fun of them and/or their shortcomings, then they are nothing more than selfish nincompoops. There are deep-rooted reasons why someone needs to validate themselves by putting others down ranging from lack of self-esteem to psychopathy. Regardless of the root cause of this type of personality trait, it does not indicate an openness that leads to a long-lasting, meaningful relationship, knowing all the while he or she is monitoring everything you do for use as a comedy sketch in the future. Only fools hang with the foolhardy. Don’t be a fool.
9. How They Respond to Their Past
If your potential partner lies about his or her past – or worse yet – doesn’t talk about it at all, it does not reflect well on any potential relationship you might have with this person. Either they are a sociopath covering up their long list of casualties or they are too broken and timid to participate fully because they feel they have been victimized or afraid that you might leave, if you knew the truth. Unless you can freely and openly share the wounds and scars about your past with the person with whom you can be intimate with, there is no real possibility of making a connection of any significance. That onus is on you, too. You also need to be able to conduct a conversation about this person’s past, without ridicule or judgment.
10. Living With Their Ex- (in their head)
How can you be expected to have a quality relationship with someone who is still attached to their ex-? This person is clearly not ready to move on in any meaningful way. A little dialogue about exes may be helpful in getting to know someone’s capacity for relationships, but endless stories about the ex- go far beyond annoying. You’re participation in this person’s life may be relegated to being the rebound or transition person, making them feel better as they work through their grief of loss, only filling a temporary void until someone else comes along. Look for healthy recollections of the ex- and make sure he/she has had some time to disassociate and establish some independence.
11. No Same-gender Friends
If he or she doesn’t have any friends of the same gender and insists that they just don’t get along with individuals sharing the same sex, this could be an indicator of problematic social entanglements which could rear their ugly faces in the future. If his or her ability to have friends is predominantly relegated to friends of the opposite sex, he or she may not have the capacity to engage in a high level of friendship at all, and isn’t that what you want your partner to be, your best friend? You just don’t want to be one of his/her other friends (unless that is what you want). Some speculation could be made about the reasons why he or she is only attracted to making friends with the opposite sex, which could take years to unravel. A good partner has friends who are of both genders it exemplifies their ability to partner.
12. Tries to Trip You Up
Instead of looking out for you and celebrate your individual successes, if they’re more likely to downplay your wins, they ma potentially be destructive, looking for ways to make you stumble so that they appear to have the upper hand. This can be the case when a pair of successful people gets together, especially if one of them may have narcissistic tendencies. Look for someone who celebrates you, encourages you to do better, even helps build you up along the way to success, stay away from anyone who wants to sabotage your personal or professional growth in an effort to keep or tear you down.
13. My Way or the Highway
This potentially narcissistic person is more likely than not going to insist that you comply with their expectations, or follow up with a demand to, “Hit the road, Jack,” or issue a Dear-John letter post haste. If you don’t like it, leave it. They obviously don’t care about you as much as they do themselves. Take advantage of the invitation and just leave, you’re better off without them, cut your losses, leave now, because eventually they will just throw you out anyway.
14. Financial Infidelity
If your partner is weird about finances, keeping financial agreements, or may have undisclosed sources or hordes of financing options, be on guard and be looking for clues of someone who may not be honest with the way they conduct their financial affairs. Money issues are one of the most primary indicators of relationship troubles. You don’t want to be left holding the bag, while your partner scurries off to drain his or her next victim.
There are many discourses on catching the early indicators of a potential abuser. The last thing you want to be in is an abusive relationship. Even though predators are very stealthy early on in a relationship, you may be able to pick up on sings such as how they interact with wait staff, animals or children.
Keep in mind that all abuse is not relegated to only physical. Other kinds of abuse include verbal abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, manipulation, humiliation and/or substance abuse. Healthy relationships should be maintained as abuse-free as possible. And for god’s sake, never think that you can change a potential abuser. Is it possible? Maybe, but not likely.
When involved in any kind of relationship with another person, whether in a friendship, romantic, familial, work or business relationship, you may find yourself wondering if it’s time for
Letting go of someone you love
You may find yourself unequally yoked with someone who is not a positive influence on your life. Their lives may be filled with drama and they may be somewhat self-destructive. Because you love and care for this person, you may find yourself expending a great deal of your personal resources redirected to this person more often than not.
Once you realize that someone is draining you, as you have a decreasing volume of inner strength and/or other resources (or even nothing left, if it’s already gone on far too long) for yourself, you begin to wonder if it’s time to walk away from this person, enough for you to garner some strength of your own without accusation, judgment or ridicule – because you know everyone is doing the best they can with what they have – in an effort to just let it go.
Care Too Much
The more emotionally tethered you are to this individual; the harder it may be to sever the cords that bind you so rigidly. Why? Because you care. It’s why you’re in this situation, now, and while it’s good to care, it may be self-destructive of you to care too much. What is caring too much? When
You care about the other person more than they care about themselves
We All Do Stupid Things
Understanding we all are emotional beings, we all realize that we all occasionally find ourselves saying something stupid (inappropriate or at the wrong time and/or place) or doing stupid things when we’re not fully our most conscious. This allows us to engage our empathy when we see someone else struggling and feel sorry for them or want to help them get back on their feet. At what cost?
You can help someone, but you cannot help someone who does not respect your assistance, and will not pick up the ball, accept responsibility for their own life, and live their life in a better way on their own. You cannot be expected to be someone else’s everything. You must love them enough to let them find their own way, even if it means letting them stumble, fall, self-destruct and hit rock bottom, if that’s what it takes.
Know when to walk away
Take a personal power inventory. Rate yourself from 1-to-10 on your personal balance of these:
Happiness, Joy, Contentment, Personal satisfaction, Exercising good judgment, Enjoying activities and/or hobbies, Spending time with others whose company makes you feel good or better, Feeling good about yourself and Enjoying good health.
If your relationship with this person is responsible for depleting your personal accounts in these areas, you know it’s time to walk away.
It’s time to distance yourself from this person if you have more emotional pain resulting from
Depression, fear, despair, rage, guilt, worrying, bitterness, lack of energy, helplessness, unhappiness and frustrations with feeling responsibility for covering up for this person’s actions and life choices.
Other signs you might be better off without this particular person would include their propensity to engage in dishonesty, lack of integrity, making promises they never keep, never compromising, self-sabotage, not following through on commitments, inconsiderate of others (especially you), attract drama and continue to deplete your resources (emotional and/or financial).
It’s time to take the time to let it go and focus on your own emotional well-being.
It’s not that you love them any less. In fact, it takes a much greater love to allow someone to find their own way, even if it means walking through the valley of the shadow of death. It’s not easy to watch someone you care about experience the trauma and repercussions of their own decision-making and having to suffer the consequences without being compelled to help relieve some of their discomfort.
Tough love means I love you enough to care, even share in your emotional pain, and enough to let you go through this on your own. I love you. I believe in you and that you have everything you need to have everything you want, to make all your dreams come true, if you choose to embrace your dreams and to whatever is necessary for you to get to where you want to be.
And they call it tough love because it not easy to do. It may be the hardest thing you’ve ever done. But it’s the best thing you could ever do for you and that person for whom you care so dearly. And the people whom you’ve empowered to take responsibility for their own lives, they won’t like it either. They have become dependent on you, but now it’s their time to shine and make their own way. It will be difficult but it will be worth it.
Invariably, there will come times in your life when you find people within your inner circle of friends and family who do not have your best interests at heart. They come in all shapes and sizes, can have a variety of social disorders or none at all, but this one thing they have in common:
They Do Not Support Your Continued Growth or Success
Often times, not only are they non-supportive, contact and their continued influence may actually be detrimental to your personal growth and success. These individuals are referred to as “Toxic people.”
To say the least having a toxic relationship can prevent you from achieving your highest and best. Toxic people have a tendency to drag down your emotional state, leaving you feeling drained. Toxic people may be destructive, showering you with admiration to earn your respect and trust only to betray you or stab you in the back.
When you are on a path of personal growth or increasing your performance, it may be necessary to minimize the negative affects of nay Sayers and toxic people in your life.
How to Deal with Toxic People
In most cases, you can decrease the negative influence of toxic people by creating a buffer of space between you and the person with whom you have a toxic relationship. Most toxic people have varying degrees of toxicity and may not be so toxic as to be dangerous.
Simply backing away and being a little more “busy” to avoid spending too much time in close proximity with the toxic person may be enough to mitigate the damages of this particular toxic relationship.
This enables you to maintain a relationship with the toxic individual that is less toxic in nature. Simply by limiting your exposure, you can maintain a healthier version of a previously toxic relationship, which is the best way to approach how to deal with toxic people, especially family, friends, co-workers and/or clients who are somewhat toxic.
Dangerous Toxic Relationships
Dangerously toxic people, on the other hand, are a different breed and must be approached in a different manner.
Dangerous toxic people are destructive. They seek out ways to not only undermine your personal growth or success, but they will extend a great deal of effort to make you feel bad, put you down, impose their beliefs on you, demand your attention and resources (including emotional and financial).
Establishing firm and clear boundaries may be an effective way to deal with a toxic person. If you do this, do not renegotiate your established boundaries, because toxic people – especially dangerously toxic people – will have little regard for your setting boundaries. It is likely that they will persist in an attempt to breach your parameters at every opportunity.
If necessary, limit your exposure to the toxic people in your life to public places. This may decrease the negative affects of the toxic relationship.
In the event that these more considerable options are not effective in eliminating the social toxicity from your life, you may need to severe the toxic relationship altogether.
Stop contacting the toxic person, do not take their calls, block their number, un-friend them from social media, block them if you have to.
With enough lack of access to you, the toxic people will eventually move on to someone else.
The Most Important Thing
The most important thing, fo you, is to maintain healthy relationships and deal with people who support you and make you feel good consistently.
The better you feel, the closer you are to achieving your highest and best.
Wishing you the best and that all your relationships are with people who