Hope After Deceptive Love

Is there hope after deceptive love?

You’re putting yourself out there, meeting, greeting, and inviting people into your life in the hope of attracting that one special person, regardless of your past experience which has opened your eyes to how deceptive and untrustworthy people can be when you’ve opened your heart in love.

It’s easy to say, “After what I’ve been through, I will never love again.” Even though the thought crossed your mind, something inside you still believes love is waiting for you, and it is. You could have said, “There is no honest lover out there,” yet, you know you are honest in your love, so there must be someone “out there,” and there is.

If you are diligently waiting for a really good match, someone who is going in the same direction as you, leading to a sustainable future together in life, with growth, expansion, and love, don’t expect it to happen overnight.

If you’ve been wounded by a romantic relationship it’s easy to jump to the conclusion that your previous lover was a psychopath, sociopath, or narcissist, but chances are, he or she was just not being truthful and was practicing dishonesty, keeping or hiding things from you, and this feels like a betrayal.

There are people out there who will use the platform of “love” to achieve their needs or desired results. It can be as basic as the need to have food, shelter, and clothing, or needs or desires which are far more sinister.

And you (as well as most of us), because you are “in love” are less keen to the warning signs at the outset, then are surprised when your partner’s inconsistencies come to light (when they were apparent from the get-go).

Relationships can be stressful, especially painful in the ending phase of them. Many of us carry deep emotional wounds from deceit in romantic relationships, which can range from not telling the truth (consciously leaving out important details) to infidelity.

Harboring the pain from past relationships can hinder or prevent the attraction of true love to you. Your inner pain attracts another person who is similar to the previous one who caused your emotional wound(s) like a magnet.

Not really what you want. Right?

So, doing the deep work of uncovering all those wounds, treating and healing them, can put you miles ahead to attracting a true love into your life.

And if you want a happy relationship, you need to find all the happiness you can in your life, without him or her, because how you feel attracts someone who matches how you feel. If you are exuberantly approaching life, seeking new opportunities to feel and express your love and happiness, this is what will come to you, because like attracts like.

Be patient and have fun

Above all, love and live life with all you’ve got, and if you’re doing that, who cares who comes around to play with you and love you with all their heart?

And that’s when it will happen.

He or she is looking for you and doing their own deep work, right now. Be a match and be available.

Deception by Omission

Everyone lies, it’s a basic mechanism we use to get through life with some sense of decorum. Then there are those who are involved in deception with malicious intent or ill-gotten gains. The craftiest of these swindlers engage in deception by omission, then deny any wrongdoing because they didn’t actually engage in lying, they just failed to include some of the pertinent details.

It’s no accident that these details went undisclosed, it was meant to purposefully deceive you, and to prevent you from having access to the truth, then deny all responsibility of deceit by claiming that no deceit has taken place because no one lied. You just did not have all the information. No crime. No foul.

In terms of trust and betrayal, you cannot trust someone who engages in deception by omission. It is a cunning misdirection and intentional withholding is no accident.

Even with the best of intentions, we leave out certain details out of fear. The fear of being caught, punished, made to feel guilty, or because we let someone down and cause someone’s feelings to be hurt. Even so, if you’re leaving out details that would have otherwise been more honest, you are lying.

For those with malicious intent, they lie by omission to manipulate, defraud, do harm, protect themselves, avoid accountability, or to appeal to your more sensitive capabilities causing you to let down your guard. No matter what they call it, or how they try to justify it, they are being dishonest and lying to you by omission.

Practicing deception of any kind, either by outright lying or practicing deception by omission, actually does more harm to the deceiver than you might expect. If you are otherwise a good person attempting to live a good life, the act of deceiving others in any fashion will cost you in your overall health score.

Unless you are a psychopath or pathological liar, these little indiscretions cause stress in the body which builds in magnitude and severely compromises your immune system. It takes a great deal of energy to manage deception and lies. This is a waste of energy which would be better used to sustain life, not to cause its deterioration.

Lying also creates an underlying frequency of paranoia for those who are trying to cover their tracks, often wondering if their true colors will ever be been shown or will they one day be held responsible for their deception.

The act of deceiving others lowers your emotional frequency and keeps your mind in the lower vibrational environments which breed fewer positive thoughts and responses overall. This will tend to attract less positive life circumstances to appear more frequently in your life.

Deception by omission promotes a lack of trust in your inner circle. Even of those who aren’t actually a party to your deception by omission. They will always wonder when and if you might be practicing deception by omission on them, even if you never do.

Once a betrayal of trust has taken place, there is little that can be done to repair the damage, except to be totally honest and trustworthy for long enough a period of time that the offending party can start to trust you once again. The amount of time necessary to regain someone’s trust depends on the person who has been deceived.

Higher Perspective of Trust Betrayal

When dealing the effects and aftereffects of broken trust, betrayal, unfaithfulness, having suffered at the hands of cheaters and liars, or being victimized manipulative predators or psychopaths, it’s natural to take it personally, but there is a higher perspective of trust betrayal.

When you’ve trusted someone and they betray you, you conjure up a symphony of wild emotions which are all chained together with all the times you’ve ever been betrayed. Every betrayal is worse than the last as the cascading emotional flood ensues.

Under these conditions, it’s easy to lose control of your faculties as you protest profusely for trusting someone who couldn’t be trusted, and you are hurt so very deeply.

What can you do?

You could choose to forgive. Forgiveness releases you from the victimization, but it doesn’t mean you must tolerate the betrayal. Forgiving your transgressor means you’re willing to not harbor ill will or seek retaliation or revenge. Forgiveness frees you from most of the negative impact but does not excuse their behavior and you needn’t submit yourself to putting yourself in a weakened position of having to allow the person who hurt you to continue to do so.

Forgiveness releases you from being the victim as you realize that while you can love or trust someone sometimes people are not able to maintain the same level of trust that you are able to have in others. You retain the learnings from the episodic adventure, hopefully discovering what part you played in the twisted tryst and become a better person for having survived such an affair.

As a victim of trust betrayal, it is easy to assign blame. You can blame the other person for doing you wrong, but this only prolongs your suffering. Accepting the blame, yourself, seeing the part you played in this betrayal of trust and taking full responsibility empowers you to be free from the whole debacle.

If you can muster up the imagery which understands that none of us are perfect, we all make mistakes, and understanding that we are all doing the best we can with what we have. You have just witnessed someone doing the best they could with what they had, and you were in a sense, the shock absorber designated to endure this scenario because someone else may not have fared as well as you did. It could have been worse.

Then, there is time. They say it heals all wounds, and for the most part it does, but trusting that person again, could be another story altogether. Just as we choose who we love, we also choose who we will trust, and who we may learn to trust again, given time and personal growth on the part or both parties.

Those who trust expecting others to be trusted and betrayers are a harmonic match for each other. Only growing beyond expectations of the obedience and unlimited respect of another person will set you in a vibrational frequency above such human interaction. If you can achieve this, you cannot be betrayed because you are no longer attached to the preconceived idea that anyone owes you anything. You simply love and allow other to just “be.”

The higher perspective of trust betrayal sees no trust or betrayal. Any interpersonal problems you have are only a matter of selfish misperception. If we can perceive correctly that we are all “one,” each of us an integral part of the other, as we are all a part of the whole, we could never hurt or be hurt.

We are all God’s eyes and ears in human form experiencing life in different ways. No one is ever broken or bad, just experiencing this life in ways that may be different than you are in this moment of now.

This doesn’t mean that you will never be disappointed in someone else’s performance, ability, or lack thereof. It also doesn’t imply there is no responsibility nor consequences for one’s actions. It just means that you are less attached to your expectation which may be beyond another person’s capability, and you allow others just as much unconditional love as you might expect for yourself.

This is the higher perspective of trust betrayal which liberates you from the lower vibration of attachment to unreasonable expectations and keeps you safe, free, above and outside the cycle where others are trapped until they are able to raise their frequencies on their own.

The good news is, this is part of the evolution of humanity which our species is expanding into. It will mean the end of separation and war, leading to our oneness and peace.

Infectious Toxicity in Relationships

Some people will drain the life out of you, like energy vampires. Others will introduce infectious toxicity in relationships in and about your life. Every so often you need to do a bit of social housecleaning to preserve your personal sacred space.

You never have to subject yourself to the toxicity of others, and their toxicity can take many subtle forms. Sometimes you just have to let them go. It’s all part of your personal growth process.

Keep in mind that some of the toxic people in your life are not maliciously toxic. Often people are not intentionally toxic, it is merely their unconscious state of being, and they are unable to help themselves as they are infected with the poison of toxicity.

This is common among victims of abuse. In an effort to protect themselves from being abused, they more often than not take on the very thing which they fear, and this cannot help but be felt by others who are within their proximity.

They will unintentionally subtly victimize others unbeknownst to their conscious mind as a twisted form of self-preservation.

If they’ve trusted and been betrayed, and have been infected, they will be unable to trust you. They will harden their heart, and you will find yourself having to jump through hoops to prove your trustworthiness. If the infection by their abuser was severe, they may not be able to be trusted themselves as the poison courses through their veins.

Forget about helping someone in this condition, you will never be able to love them through this phase of life. Without trust, there is no love. It will take a profound epiphany and awakening for this person to break free from the disease and it is a mission that only he or she can take on en solo. All you can do is to walk away and let them find their own way, or not. Their mission is not yours.

You cannot love anyone enough to make someone love you. Love without trust leads to toxic false accusations and abuse. They cannot love in this condition, only maintain high levels of suspicion and manipulation. Their distrust can be so pervasive you can even start to question your own trustworthiness. You are never obligated to compromise your own psychological well-being for the benefit of someone else’s dysfunction.

As much as they pressure and attack you, know this, is not about you at all. It’s about them, and the trauma they’ve endured in their past. Their fear will project that which they fear onto you as they continue to morph into that which they despise.

You may honestly and truly love this person, but they will only drag you down as you are infected with their disease, until you are just as broken and vile as he or she is, if you tarry for very long.

Their fear will filter and twist your words and deeds to use them as weapons against you. No matter how hard you try to help them, show them compassion, or accommodate them, their needs, wants, and desires, you will never be good enough for them.

They will control any attempt to conduct a conversation, over-talking and not letting you get a word in edgewise. It’s all about them, and you are merely a distraction, except for any supply you can provide to this borderline narcissist.

Your attempts to reason with them will only run round-and-round in circles with you wondering what the hell is happening. The more you talk, the more words he or she will have to use against you.

They will assert how good a person they are, while they continue to put others down, and they’re likely not to hold up to their part of the bargain when you agree upon a reasonable compromise. When they insult you or put you down, it makes them feel better about themselves and creates an air of superiority.

Even if they are a genuine empathetic human being, while they are jacked-up on distrust and suspicion while infected with this disease, they cannot muster empathy when upset and they will only see despicable flaws and danger in you. And if you dare misstep or make a mistake, do not expect to be forgiven, even if he or she utters the words, as your faux pas will just be more fuel for their vile dysfunction.

If you act trustworthy, you deserve to be treated in a trustworthy manner. If not, it is on you to change your circumstance. If they cannot have faith in you, find a way to preserve your sacred space and free yourself from their toxicity less you be infected by the disease yourself.

Do not despise, allow yourself to feel angry, become defensive, or hate this person for being infected with this disease, they cannot help it. If you cannot contain yourself and look upon their condition with compassion, then you may have already been infected with the disease.

Finding a safe place to be, free from the influence of this person is the best thing you can do for yourself, and for the victim of the infection. Only in solitude will this person be able to see their poison and find the wherewithal to heal themselves from what ails them.

You are love. You need to preserve and nurture your love yourself. You deserve to have your love reflected back to you from others who are able to do so.

Continue to love and bless others and allow them to find their own way, or not.

Life After Trust and Betrayal

Yes, there is life after trust and betrayal. Because you don’t live in a vacuum, you want to trust someone enough to establish a close relationship wherein you may share the intimate portions of your life. While relationships of all kinds are readily available, most of them are superficial at best. Yet you long to have a deeper connection with a person, someone you can be honest and open with, someone you can depend on, someone you can trust.

Trust doesn’t come easily, especially for you, if you’ve trusted before and have suffered the consequences of trusting someone who was untrustworthy or demonstrated betrayal of trust. If you trusted someone, then found out later trusting them was not in your best interest, then there is the likelihood you have been wounded by the experience.

The betrayal leaves wounds and scars which cannot be seen by outward appearance, though the emotional suffering which results from a misplaced trust can be much more painful than being bludgeoned by a gang of bloodthirsty thugs, and last much longer.

Is it any wonder you might think twice before entering that dark alley of trust again? How can you know if you can trust someone or, not?

You have a natural inclination to trust others, or not, based on the conditions under which you were raised. We learn either to trust or not trust others with the sensitive details of our life when we are young, and progress through adulthood.

Trust is a give-and-take endeavor, if you feel as though you cannot trust others, you will not likely be as open and honest as you could be, and you will live a heavily-guarded emotional life, feeling mostly disconnected and alone, but also have a sense of safety by not exposing yourself to potential betrayal.

You’re no fool. You are a keen observer of others and can decide whether someone is trustworthy in ten seconds. Every now and then, you find someone. Someone who appears to be trustworthy, someone you resonate with, someone you call friend, and you believe you can trust him or her, so after prolonged observation and data collection, you open up.

You put yourself out there, even if it is infrequently or a rare occasion because you desire this deep connection with another person, one that can only be achieved by trusting someone outside yourself who reciprocates with an equal degree of trust. This is the basis of true intimacy.

Then, before you know it, the trust is broken and you’ve been betrayed by your friend. Though, if you could consider the possibility, even if only for a moment, there is a forty percent chance the breach of trust was the result of your self-fulfilling prophecy.

You allowed yourself to question the idea of trusting anyone, therefore if you actually do trust someone, you expect to be betrayed, so the betrayal manifests itself, even if no betrayal actually took place. Not the best approach in dealing with betrayal.

It’s true, in many cases, a perceived breach of trust was actually a tragic miscommunication between people, which appeared to one or more of the participants as a breach of trust because that’s what he or she was looking for. When the red flag of mistrust was first perceived (even though it may not have actually been waived) the person who expected betrayal, points a finger and shouts, “I knew it!” Further supporting the position that no one can be trusted.

Casual relationships needn’t rely on a high level of trust and are therefore easier to maintain. Given a certain amount of time, a superficial relationship can morph into a more intimate relationship unbeknownst to the person who would otherwise be unlikely to trust. Nonetheless, trust slips in under the radar, and before you know it, someone else has trashed your trust in them, yet again. Though, in this case, there was never any expectation of trust communicated.

It is best, when communicating any sensitive information to someone, to at the very least, let them know that you are trusting him or her, as if to place a delicate crystal bauble in his or her hands with the expectation that he or she will care for it respectfully, protecting it from harm, so as not to damage it while in their possession, and have them acknowledge their commitment to you to keep it safe. It is clearly understood that you do not expect, and it would be devastating to you if he or she threw it onto the ground and crashed it into a million pieces.

Not setting the ground rules of the expectation of trusting someone with something is just not fair, for how is the person supposed to know, as we all regard different things as “sensitive information.” What might be highly sensitive to one person might only be interesting or humorous to someone else, without the proper supporting framework. After all, we can’t possibly know what’s going on inside someone else’s head.

And if you’re carrying around emotional wounds from past betrayals of trust, consider the idea of letting the anchors to those painful wounds go.

If you can allow your mind to conceive of the idea, you might be able to imagine the point of view of your transgressor. What if he or she was doing what they were doing (which encompassed the breaking of your trust) from an entirely different perspective than your vantage point, when the betrayal occurred?

If it is true, that

we are all doing the best we can with what we have

Then, there was no malicious intent of the person who conducted the breach of trust. In fact, that person had no idea (or maybe they did) that trust would be broken. What was going on in the mind and life of that person in that period of time in space left him or her with no other option but to make the decision to take the action which hurt you.

Has there ever been a time when you were falsely accused due to a misinterpretation when someone was unable to see something from your point of view?

If you were that person, had lived his or her life up until that point, and if you were under the exact same circumstances as he or she was in, in that moment… You would have done the same thing.

You could recoil in self-righteousness and say, “No, I wouldn’t.” But that is not true because had you been that person, you would have done the same thing, likely not for the reasons or with the intent which you have associated with the other person’s actions though.

Through empathetic understanding, try to imagine what was going on inside the emotional body and mind of the person you felt betrayed by. Why might they have felt like there was no other option? Be brave enough to try to compassionately imagine what it might have been like to been him or her in that moment in time. How hard might it have been?

Then, if you dare, forgive them, one by one.

You don’t have to tell them or confront them, you only have to forgive them in your own heart, and if you have the ability and the courage, to not carry a grudge and let it go.

There is hope for you, even if you believe that people cannot be trusted, that you can live to love and trust someone in a deeply connected relationship.

You have much love to give.

Betrayal Wounds and Scars

It is not uncommon for people to struggle with issues and the aftermath of betrayal. The emotional wounds from these breaches of trust can inflict sufferers in physiological ways. The emotional pain from betrayal can be as devastating as being stabbed in the back with a knife (thereby justifying the origin of the saying).

 

Have you been emotionally, “stabbed in the back,” by someone whom you have trusted?

Betrayers come in a wide variety of flavors. Some can be relatives and/or loved ones, sometimes the most intimate love-relationship that one can have with another human being. You may experience betrayal by a friend, co-worker or mentor.

Because we all have different life experiences and personalities, we all respond to betrayal in different ways. A specific betrayal may be of little effect to one person, while another may suffer exponentially; this suffering can be primarily internal, or may express itself externally, or physiologically.

When betrayal has been recognized, the emotional open wound is fresh and the pain may be great. After a while, the pain fades and the emotional scar tissue begins to form. One’s mind begins to filter all information as being potentially harmful, and you may begin to take on the attitude that, “I’m not putting myself out there again,” in a fearful effort to isolate yourself from the possibility of experiencing a similar type of pain in the future.

It is one’s natural fight-or-flight response to protect one’s self from pain and it makes perfect sense… but the cost can be enormous.

The worst thing that can happen to someone suffering from betrayal of trust, is to run the self-preservation-routine resulting in embitterment and over-protecting one’s self in an attempt to prevent anyone from being able to hurt you in such a way again.

The problem with this is; you know, in your heart, that you have so much to give. The sensitive people have special gifts and abilities that help to make the world a better place; they increase the quality of life for others (some who may be extremely less fortunate). Building protective walls around you will also result in cutting off exposure to others who need your light and influence.

The bitterness and fading pain of betrayal breeds a more cynical outlook on life and also comes at a physiological price that may lead to autoimmune deficiencies, illness and a laundry list of diseases.

If left unhealed, little by little, the light of those who illuminate our local community begins to fade and as it fades dramatically, so does the overall general outlook for us (or the world) as a whole.

Since there is no law against betraying another person (although some laws may be broken in the process of the betrayal), those who are emotionally less-equipped to care about the feelings of others run rampant throughout our society victimizing the empathetic shining stars with little regard to the negative impact their actions might have.

I was betrayed and I was hurt Im better now stronger than ive ever beenIf you are suffering from betrayal, scheduling a one-on-one session with a counselor or coach can have an immediate calming effect on your peace of mind and quality of life.

You do not have to be a victim. Instead, you can learn from this event and turn it around. In fact, you may find that this event can hurl you into an empowered and optimistic future that can change the future of others and the planet in such a way to bring clarity and focus to your life.

Utilizing specialized skills, a good coach or counselor can work with you hand-in-hand to put you back in control of your emotional wellbeing. You might be surprised to discover that this episode has prepared you as a mentor to help others struggling with similar circumstances.

You can do this; without giving up on being a blessing to others, and continue to achieve your highest and best.

You can find more ways to deal with betrayal in my book: Trust Betrayal.