Tag: break up

Make Someone Love You

As much as you love someone, you can never love them enough to make them love you. Someone will either love you or they won’t. You will be able to trust them, or you won’t. They will either stay, or they will leave and no matter how much you love them, you cannot make someone love you back.

Since people have been exchanging love one to another, unrequited love has been an issue. It’s nothing new, and it’s not likely to change any day soon.

The False Accusation Breakup

There is a growing trend of demonization that is becoming more commonplace in the breakup process. When someone is secretly planning a breakup, they start collecting words and phrases uttered by you dating back to the origination of your relationship.

Data will likely include decisions you made or actions you’ve taken, which all can be spun into wild false accusations which would make others, possibly even yourself, question your capacity for love or sanity, which could be considered as abusive.

The false accusation breakup model is designed to hurt you and make you feel better about this person’s departure.

Until recently, this was a psychological tool utilized by psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists. Today, this is more common in our contemporary culture. When something invades popular culture, like this, there is little you can do about it, so until this method runs its course, try not to take it personally (though nothing could be more personal than a personal attack focused on you and your integrity).

Your attacker (the person breaking it off with you) has had plenty of time to prepare, and there is no way for you to compete or respond appropriately to each and every accusation, which will be voluminous.

If you find yourself on the receiving end of such an attack, your best move is just to listen, try not to let yourself be offended by all the accusations, and just let him or her air all their issues. Try to listen and interject with the, “Oh, I’m sorry,” or, “I didn’t realize that.”

The key is not to become offended or defensive about these exaggerated charges against you. This whole process is far less about you than it is meant to appear.

Your accuser has already left and has likely already made plans that do not include you. He or she has already left, and this particular act of demonizing you is his or her way of justifying their recent actions and final disconnection.

Any attempt to reason with someone who is unjustly rapid-firing a long list of false accusations will only delay the false accusation breakup performance and its ultimate outcome. So, just let them do what they have to do, and let them go.

Will it be painful? Yes, it will because you’ve been blindsided. You didn’t see this coming and it’s shocking when it happens. And because this break-up method is becoming more and more popular, you’re likely to encounter it more than once.

Remember that when someone is done with you, they are done. When they’ve initiated your crucifixion on their own, acting as accuser, judge, and jury. There is nothing you can do about it but delay the inevitable.

You cannot make someone love you, who has already left and disconnected from you. He or she may return later after they have put you through this and accomplished whatever it was that motivated them to do this to you.

If he or she returns, you have to seriously ask yourself if this is the kind of person you want to align yourself with. There is the likelihood that you will have to suffer this again in the future, and it will be worse the next time.

No one can make this decision for you. This is something you have to work out for yourself and whatever you decide will be right for you, because all things work out for good, even if it looks unlikely at the time.

So, see it for what it is, and let him or her say whatever is necessary to justify him-or-her-self. Let them go and remember,

You cannot make someone love you.

See you at the Soulmate Wizardry event.

Why Do I Keep Attracting Jerks?

Here we go again, the end of yet another relationship, and things have not turned out the way you wanted. You start to question what’s wrong with you and ask, “Why do I keep attracting jerks?” or the wrong lovers?

Here’s the answer. First off, there are some things in play, that once to recognize it, will help you get a handle on what is happening. This knowledge will help you make the necessary adjustments as you entertain the idea of finding a suitable love interest.

There is a lot of talk about chemistry between two people, which is likened to a like-mindedness or sense of familiarity which makes it easy to be attracted to or fall in love with someone with whom you feel this “chemistry.” While this sounds well and good, the actual chemistry that is going on is quite contrary to what you’re thinking it is.

Chemistry is not compatibility, chemistry is the chemical reaction that’s triggered by the release of the love hormone cocktail send rushing through your brain, hijacking your mind and your body. The same thing happens when you take a hit of cocaine.

You are high (literally) and understandably not in the proper frame of mind to make rational choices. Although, things will be exciting and fun for as long as the level of this chemical reaction is sustained at a fairly high intensity.

Unfortunately, the chemistry declines and fades over time, and at some point, you start to sober up and see things more clearly. This is when you start to notice inconsistencies that you couldn’t see earlier because you were basically love-stoned out of your mind.

What triggers your love cocktail?

Many things come into play for triggering the release of your love cocktail, normally it’s a combination of your survival instinct which is attracted to physiological strength and hints of financial and social success, either in his or her present state or projected into the future. That’s on one hand.

On the other hand, you are also triggered by your past, an attraction smoothie blended of childhood trauma, focus on unresolved issues with a dysfunctional parental relationship, and the history of your life. This attraction smoothie will have you triggered by the worst possible person for you.

What?

Okay, actually this is the best person for you; not for a love-relationship, but for your personal growth. When you feel the onslaught of your overwhelming personal chemistry engaging, it’s a pretty sure sign that something unpleasant is ahead.

People come into your life for one of two reasons.

As a Lesson

You attract toxic people who are necessary for you to learn something that you wouldn’t be able to see in any other way. If you close off the idea of issues that need to be dealt with or changes you need to make, the dysfunction increases until you crack.

Running, claiming you’ve been victimized yet again, and hiding yourself away only offers a temporary pause in the process. When you are ready to re-engage in life again, here he or she comes again. Why?

You can break the cycle by looking within, asking yourself why. If you’re unable to see any changes that would be beneficial for you to make within yourself and your own life, then inviting a third-party, a coach, counselor, or clergy to help you uncover the areas in your life that could be better.

The Lesson-people are there for your highest and best, even though it feels like the opposite at the moment when you are overwhelmed with the pain of the toxicity.

As a Blessing

Other people are attracted to you to be supportive, to help you maintain a level keel throughout the crazy that life throws at you. These are your (angels) friends who will be there for a season, as they move in and out of your life, while a select few will be there for longer periods of time (sometimes a lifetime).

So, instead of your first reaction toward someone that makes you feel bad, do not focus your attention on the act, situation, or circumstance which causes you to feel angst or as though you’ve been victimized, look inside yourself.

Ask yourself, “Why?”

“What can I do to deal with the issues of my past, or changes I can make in myself to neutralize this challenge once and for all?”

The answer is the key to your liberty, breaking free from the cycle, and a better self-aware life filled with love and happiness.

The greatest love of all awaits and starts with you.

I Just Got Dumped!

It happens… We get all enamored and create a connection with someone who has something else in mind and they announce the time has come for them to go (or they just disappear into the darkness) and you just can’t believe, “I just got dumped!”

Understandably, when someone you cared about deeply suddenly exits your life it is painful and may be complicated by the degree of surprise which might come into play if you didn’t see it coming.

Some other issues that might come into play may be due to the guilt which might be felt by the exiting partner. If there exists a high degree of guilt at play, there might be a flood of false accusations hurled toward you to justify the departure of the exiting partner. Just remember, if you are blamed for their leaving you, these accusations are highly over-exaggerated in an effort to make him or her feel better about bailing out on you.

Try not to take it personally (when little else could be more personal) when they try to blame you for everything they can possibly think of to make you look and feel as bad as they can possibly make you feel.

The good news is, this person just bailed out on you.

Now you know what kind of person this really was. You probably had no idea that he or she was the kind of person who would just walk out on you and leave you holding the bag, like that. Now you know.

Thank God, you know now, and are not finding out much later, when the stakes could have been much higher.

It’s not much consolation at the beginning of the separation when your feelings are running amok due to the fierce rejection and sense of betrayal which may be overwhelming in the moment.

Keep in mind that you are the best person you know. You know this because you would have never done this to him or her. You loved and trusted, got stabbed in the back, and discarded like yesterday’s trash. You are a loving, special, and adorable person and just because someone doesn’t want you, it doesn’t mean you’re any less the person that you know you are.

“If one person doesn’t love you, someone else will love you. There’s always someone else.” ~ don Miguel Ruiz

Obviously, he or she was not good enough for you. You deserve only your highest and best in a mate, someone who will love, care and cherish you just as much (if not more, which would be crazy) as you do. The best love is reciprocal.

You can enthusiastically be grateful for the opportunity to find your highest and best in a mate, your soul mate. Someone who is perfectly matched for your best life which is waiting for you. This soul mate will not be perfect, for none of us are, but this person will be perfect for you, even including his or her imperfections.

This perfect matching calls in the sacred opportunity to grow and expand together without causing each other harm. Instead, you hold each other up, celebrating everything about each other as heart-to-heart and hand-in-hand you traverse the various road conditions encountered along the journey of your lives both individually and together.

And you are blessed.

None of this would have been possible if you weren’t dumped.

So thankful he or she left.

Second Chances

You’ve loved, you’ve lost, the sacredness of your love disregarded, broken trust, betrayal and the lover that left you has returned.

When your ex- comes knockin' do you send him a-walkin'?
When your ex- comes knockin’ do you send him a-walkin’?
What do you do?

First off, you must wrap your head around the idea that if your former lover left you, he or she will likely do it again. Statistically, this is the bottom line.

If 9 out of 10 exiting exes tend to exit again, do you think yours is the 1 out of 10 who will return to stay?

Only if you believe he or she is “the one” (out of ten) then you need to saddle-up and get ready to give it another go, else-wise he or she gets the ole heave-ho.

Identify if you and/or your partner, are serial breakers. Some people actually attract the on again/off again relationship style and have an odd affection for all the drama that comes with it. If you and your partner are both okay with that, there is no need to read on.

There is a tendency to entertain the impossible romance for a variety of reasons, maybe you only remember the good times, being with someone familiar is better than starting over, after the breakup your self-esteem may have been sinking or you would rather be with someone than to be alone.

These are only some of the unhealthy reasons you might be compelled to allow someone into your life who is likely to disappoint, leave you and break your heart again.

There are also healthy reasons that you might consider reconciliation, like truly having an intimate and loving relationship (that goes both ways), maybe the breakup was due to circumstances beyond your control and were not directly connected to your romance and/or sharing children and working together for the common good, amongst others.

If you’re to have any hope of a successful reconciliation the one who left should be remorseful upon re-entry. He or she must be willing and able to recount their departure, explain why they left and genuinely regret their decision to leave. You should be able to “feel” their regret and they should cite some reasons that they believe that he or she would not walk out on you again.

To be certain that you have your wits about you, you should be able to have the answers to some basic questions before you reconcile:

Can you learn to trust him or her again?
Does he or she have a history of bailing out on previous relationships?
Did the break-up happen due to a lack of love in the relationship?
What does the returning ex-lover expect to gain from reconciliation?

Don’t second-guess yourself. Most jilted lovers will turn their attention inward, asking themselves, “What did I do wrong?” even escalating toward levels of self-abuse. Stop it. You didn’t bail on the relationship.

Don’t fall for the old, “What’s in the past is in the past. Let’s just forget it all and start over.”

As you move forward it may be wise to consider enlisting the aid of a therapist or relationship coach to help increase open communication, evaluating issues that may have contributed to the break-up and resolving those issues.

Both parties must review the past, determine what can be changed also be willing and able to make the changes necessary to increase the odds of maintaining and sustaining a long-term romantic relationship.

If you are unable to resolve your differences, there is the likelihood that there is another breakup looming in your future as you wait for the bomb to drop.

When someone returns, who has turned their back on you previously, it could be an opportunity for you to grow and expand in your own self-confidence and consciousness. A firm, “thanks, but no thanks,” may be an appropriate response validating your desire only to surround yourself with people and circumstances that support you, your highest and best life from this point forward.

Plus, there’s more to consider: Romantic Relationships Are More Than Two People