How to Turn it On When the Thrill is Gone

Seems like it wasn’t that long ago and your relationship was full of vibrant energy, with heightened passion and intimacy. It is common for these to fade over time. Here are some invaluable tools to apply to your relationship if the thrill is gone.

You and your partner have been together for a while and one thing is for certain in any long-term relationship: the natural sheen tends to dull after a while. It doesn’t have to. You can breathe the breath of new life into any relationship at any time (better if done before it tends to turn stale).

Every relationship should have started with a unique chemistry. If the chemistry were not there, you probably wouldn’t have gotten together in the first place (unless you are in an arranged marriage). So, if the base chemistry is there, it can be re-engaged at any time, with very little effort on your part.

Passion and romance are begging for release, all they need is a gentle nudge to get them going in all their glory.

If you think back to when your relationship was fresh and new, you can think of activities you engaged in when you were in the throes of young love. Everything was new and exciting, life was more interesting and fun. You found yourselves in a more playful state of mind.

Since then you probably have settled into life as it is, and there has been a trend of just getting though life the best you can with as little conflict as possible.

Simply recreating or recapturing the look and feel of those early romantic times will reignite the smoldering embers, and you might be surprised at how little effort it will take.

Make time for each other. When we get bogged down with everyday life, it’s easy just to come home and give up. Instead, give yourself 20 or 30 minutes to unwind, then get up and find ways to put some zest back in your relationship.

If you are dealing with a chronic lack of energy, deal with this first. You can’t really energetically engage with your partner if your cup is empty. Find ways to destress and build your own energy reserves and share from the overflow.

What should you do? There’s a pretty good chance you know your partner well enough to have a good idea about what turns him or her on, what piques his or her interest and gets him of her excited (not just in a sexual way). There are certain subjects and ideas that will break the trance of everyday life, if you engage that passionate side of their brain by simply talking about something they like or are passionate about.

Your tendency might be to talk about the things which are important to you, but talking about what’s important to your partner will engage his or her passion, and it won’t take long and they will find opportunities to find other ways to express their passion.

Invite your inner child (inner children) to participate in your relationship. You will fine them excited and looking for ways to express themselves playfully, always eager to have a good time and have fun.

Do something fun.

Avoid the things that will drain the energy from an otherwise healthy relationship, like boredom, or falling into a rut of the same ol’ same ol’. Negative postures, such as criticism, or facing something which appears as though it might be too complicated.

If either you, or your partner, are feeling misunderstood, not appreciated, or valued, the energy for passion quickly dissipates.

Withheld long-standing resentments can build a tremendous amount of pressure over time. It is always a best practice to deal with little things that come up now and then, and deal with them early on, rather than letting them grow into something more negative.

If you have something important to say or share, follow John Gottman’s advice and start off with five positive statements about your partner first, before getting into the other stuff.

Always seek to first understand and then to arrive at a win/win solution. It may take a little more effort, but it is far worth it, with the benefit of increased intimacy and passion as the pay-off.

Certain odiferous scents can have a negative effect on an otherwise romantic air. Make sure you and your environment have an inviting and pleasant, even romantic, air about it.

The smallest, genuine gesture can reignite the flame of romance in a heartbeat, don’t be shy about doing something small, cute, and/or endearing.

Reignition can happen in a moment, saying something positive, a little text, the smallest uplifting thing can light the flame.

Learning to effectively listen, communicate, and understand each other is the key to continued unbridled passion.

Rebuild relational good will by seeking to be supportive, seek to understand and also to be understood. Find ways and seize opportunities to touch each other, not just sexually, but by touching or holding hands, and/or cuddling, and hugging. This increases the connection by raising the oxytocin (bonding hormone) level (men need three-times the physical contact to maintain the bonding effect).

Appreciation adds miles to your relationship high road, we all hope to please our partners and hearing or being shown that we are appreciated for what we bring to the table is extremely endearing and ramps up the love and excitement.

You can set your romance fire ablaze by introducing newness, doing things differently and trying new things, role-play, or go on a romantic scavenger hunt.

Create your own individual language, both spoken and unspoken, like the most successful couples do, so that when you’re out in public you can say a word or cast a facial expression that is only understood by you and your partner.

Al little fantasy, mystery or surprise will kick your ecstasy into overdrive, as well as talking about exciting intimate details about intimately private details (they don’t even have to be recent). All little sexy nostalgia goes a long way.

Find ways to boost your energy levels together by exercising, dancing, stump-busting, racing, skydiving (could be indoors), taking in a concert, or attending a comedy club. Any such activities will translate into romantic energy which can translate into increased sexual tension looking for ways to express themselves.

Every couple is different and what works for one couple may not work for the next. So, find your own unique romance-fire-starters. Find out what works for you, and when you know it does, do more of that.

Rekindle the Flame of Love

How can it be? You’ve been together a while and everything was so good, you were both so connected but lately it feels as though what’s left of the flame of love feels like it’s going out. Before you think about cashing it in or looking for greener grass, think about taking measures to rekindle the flame of love in your relationship.

Be aware that all relationships have a tendency to experience this fading effect over time. It’s not just you. The couples who make it understand this and make it through, not just by mere drudgery and sticking it out whether one likes it or not, not out of fear of loss, but the most successful couples do so by rekindling the flame of love.

In case you’re wondering what these power couples do to rekindle the flame of love, following are some of the secrets to their relationships success. You might think about employing some of these powerful techniques yourself.

Remember when the flame of love was burning brightly? Chances are there were certain gestures and activities which you engaged in back in the day when your love was on fire. It doesn’t require rocket science to think that if you were to reengage in the gestures and activities which you did back then, that the embers of love might begin to burn once again.

Remember the small things. After a while you just sort of get used to someone being there and you forget to do the little things (or there may be the likelihood that you never did. If so, now is the time to start) the less expensive the better. Little things like setting a cup of coffee on the nightstand next to a waking partner. Leaving little love notes around the house, or whatever small concession which communicates to your partner that you haven’t forgotten about him or her and still regard your partner as precious.

Here’s a fun project you can do, and if your partner joins in, it can pull your love out of the slump by remembering all the good things you love about your partner. Make a list. Write down all those things that you think are (or “were”) so adorable when your love was vibrant and alive. Share them with each other. Sometimes you just need to remember why you feel in love in the first place. Also, things can change over time, and maybe something you thought was an incredible quality in the beginning ended up being a nuisance later (don’t put those on the list).

Another powerful tool to use when the love flame starts to dim is to find new interests in each other. There are probably some interests that your partner finds exciting (or at least, interesting) which hasn’t particularly captured your interest in the past. Try learning about or trying to understand what your partner finds so fascinating about this particular thing or activity which you may have avoided altogether until now. You may be surprised how getting involved in your partner’s activity can set your love flame ablaze. The same can also be true for trying any completely new activity together, like a dance class, or parachuting (okay, maybe not parachuting).

Set up a private rendezvous with each other. No need to book a fancy hotel, you can lock yourself in your bedroom without cell phones or other devices, have a private picnic, and just “be” with each other, whatever that means for you, no holds barred. This can be an incredible opportunity for the two of you to reconnect, spend uninterrupted time with each other in a safe and familiar environment. You never know, intimate passion may also visit your private together-time.

Find ways to be playful by creating your own special language, so that you can say a particular word or phrase in a certain manner in public, and no one knows what’s going on, only the two of you know what it means. Find ways to play games with each other that create and grow intimacy while having a little fun while you’re at it. A little playful role-playing in public can go a long way. Maybe pretend like you’re hitting on your partner in a public place, as if you’ve never met him or her before.

Okay, here’s the two-part doozie, “Know what you want,” and, “ask for it.” You might be surprised to know that in the most unsuccessful relationships, either one or both partners don’t even know what they want or need in from their partner or the relationship. So start there. Note this is an advanced tactic because there is so much to be said for presentation. Yes, you want to be able to express what you want, and you should give your partner an opportunity to give you what you want, but you want to do it in a gentle and mindful fashion, so as not to put your partner on the defensive.

See you at the Soulmate Wizardry event.

Can you think of other ways to rekindle the flame of love? If so, enter your comments below: