Tag: self esteem

Twisting Your Words to Make You Look Bad

Don’t you just hate it when someone twists your words, gets all heated up, and attacks you – using your own words – to put you on the defensive or make you upset. What’s happening? What can you do when someone’s twisting your words to make you look bad.

First of all, this is a common practice in the media because it creates the best soundbites, which causes people to tune in to your news show, radio program, media event, or a potentially viral meme on social media. In this arena, it’s called “spin,” and it’s an acceptable practice covered by free speech and parody, especially in public venues. Nonetheless, your words can be a very powerful weapon to hurt, harm, or disable any potential for good someone might have had in the world.

Far more common is the way someone in your social circle might twist your words to make you look bad. This is a tool used by many individuals who are not self-confident, have been severely victimized in the past, or live under high degrees of oppression, stress, or fear.

Twisting your words to make you look bad is an effective defense mechanism utilized by someone to project ideas hidden deep within their heart or psyches onto you, which releases the emotional pressure from unresolved emotional wounds left to fester and grow.

Such a person is not likely to be open to your suggestion of this fact. If wounded people are looking for demons, they will find them everywhere they look, until they awake to the idea that they might have some negative repression that is happening inside, and are willing to not only look at it but do the work of dealing with these issues to resolve them.

In the meantime, they will twist your words to make you look bad, which can have a huge negative impact on you, making you actually feel bad. When used effectively, the damaged individual twisting your words will make you feel bad, and this causes the sufferer to feel better, as they have transferred their pent-up emotional pain to you. This offers them relief. That’s why they do it.

He or she will continue to project these ideas onto you because his or her reward is feeling better about his-or-her-self by twisting your words to make you look bad. So, they are highly motivated to engage in this assaultive and potentially abusive activity.

In normal circumstances, you would be motivated to defend yourself against this attack or false accusation. It is a normal reaction to defend yourself if you’ve been falsely accused. The only problem with reacting defensively is that it creates more momentum for the breeding ground of this unfortunate circumstance which you’ve found yourself in.

Understanding this might offer you enough emotional space to not react defensively. Instead of adding more energy to the confrontation, which causes an increasing cycle of adding energy to an impossible situation, because no amount of your defensiveness or rationale will slay the emotionally injured person’s demons.

Plus, you can have some compassion or empathy for the person who is twisting your words in an accusatory fashion, because you know they are wounded and suffering inside, being careful not to feel sorry for them, because that would insinuate your superiority. Instead, you realize that if you were him or her, having lived the life he or she has lived up to this point, you would have reacted in exactly the same way.

A simple and calm response, such as, “That’s not what I meant, but you’re entitled to your own opinion,” might be enough to side-step a potentially volatile situation. If you don’t want to make things worse, it’s best to just avoid any conflict in this situation.

No one can make you look or feel bad unless you empower them by adding fuel to their fire and being defensive. There is no need for you to respond to anyone’s ridiculous false accusations or attempts to make you look bad.

Simply do not respond to anyone’s attempts to attack or discredit you, whether they are twisting your words, or concocting their own, unless you choose to offer clarification, for any part that may be true. But if you do offer clarification, try to find the space to think through the ramifications for doing so, because you may be offering up even more ammunition for them to fire back at you with even more word twisting.

If you are masterfully self-aware and tolerant, you might offer yourself up as a shock absorber for this person to release as much of their pent-up frustrations as possible. To do so effectively, you must have the ability or skill of letting someone verbally attack or abuse you without being emotionally engaged. A martyr might do so in lieu of having the ability or skill to avoid suffering the emotional consequences. Unless this is your calling or part of your life’s purpose, this will likely not apply to you.

So, we’ve discussed why people in public venues and media might twist your words, and why those who are emotionally wounded, or low self-esteem might do so, but we haven’t talked about why a psychopath or someone on the predatory end of the anti-social personality spectrum might twist your words to make you feel bad.

Their motivation is to undermine or destroy you and/or your credibility altogether. This is an entirely different subject, yet your response should be the same. Do not add fuel to the fire by defending yourself, walk away, and find someplace safe to be, where you can avoid the psychopath or sociopath.

Don’t Let Them Get to You

Ever have someone slow your roll by interrupting your positive vibrational momentum and breaking your stride by bringing you down? The power that others wield in your circle of influence may be stronger than you think. Don’t let them get to you.

Because your parents and others supported the idea that you would grow into a confident competent adult, the day came when you adopted the persona of the grownup. You actually became the embodiment of what those around you expected you to become. They believed in you, you believed in their expectations, and you grew into your adulthood.

You are able to face all life’s challenges because you believe in your ability to do so. Often your belief in yourself was influenced by those you who surround and support you.

For those who were not fortunate enough to have a powerful support system, they have a tougher time of it and will face challenges with a feeling of unconfident and incapable of staring obstacles down with the ability to draw from a history of inner strength. These people have the most difficult go of it.

Those within our circle of influence have an incredible effect on who we are and whom we become.

When you’re in the presence of another person, your attitude and potential for successfully navigating any communication is greatly influenced by the other person. Whether it be your friend, someone who has power over you, a parent, teacher, law enforcement, a judge, the government, or your spouse.

Likewise, anyone you have influence over like you friends, workers, if you’re a manager, people you are teaching, younger siblings, or children you might be raising or babysitting, are influenced by the words you use as well as the respect and support you give them when they are in your presence.

For those who are living their highest and best life, they believe in their capacity for goodness, greatness, and unconditional love, and so it is. They are stepping into their purpose, message, passion and mission. These are the people who are not unlike you. You, too, can live a better life, your best life, and make the world a better place.

I guess that’s why it’s referred to your circle of influence. These people don’t just represent the people you have influence over, but it also represents the people who have the ability to have influence over you.

Left unchecked, you could be allowing people to populate your circle of influence who could be dragging you down, they could even be influencing who you are, or who you will become.

If you have allowed people to influence you negatively, now is the time to turn the tables on them and show them what you are made of, and all the possibilities which are awaiting your loving embrace. The time has come for you to grow and expand beyond any limitations of anyone else.

The naysayers are wrong. Anyone who ever amounted to anything faced those who didn’t believe in them, and the most successful people persisted to continue to strive above and beyond any of the expectations of the naysayers.

The most successful people proved them wrong in spite of the beliefs of the doubters.

Don’t let them get to you

You have the power over who you become, and it’s up to you to protect yourself from those who could stand between you and your embracing you and all of your potentialities, all your gifts and talents, all your love and strength of honor.

You are worthy. You have been endowed with everything you could possibly need to get from where you are to where you want to be, and no one has the right to question your divine endowment.

Self Esteem Confidence Appreciation Love

Self-esteem

Self-esteem could be better referred to as your feeling of self-worth as a reflection from the mirror of your outer world, family, and/or society and it is conditional based upon external valuation.

Self-esteem is, “I like myself because I look a particular way.” Or, “I like myself because I do a good job at work,” or, “I like myself because I’m a nice person.”

If you are very critical of yourself, you could probably use some focused attention on raising your self-esteem.

Some personality types exude a false sense of self-esteem, which becomes apparent when they meet life’s challenges, allowing situational circumstances to cause their entire world to fall apart.

Low self-esteem represents a continuum that spans from mild to chronic and is usually marked by fear, unworthiness, reclusiveness, lack of motivation, fatigue, insomnia, assurance-seeking, including checking one’s phone often for some assurance that one’s life might have value. Chronic low self-esteem can lead to suicidal thoughts.

Self-confidence

Self-confident people base the value of themselves on their own valuation more so than on the opinion or seeking approval, of others. Self-confidence is the upgrade to self-esteem. You are competent and confident in yourself and your strengths, understand that you have shortcomings, but when life throws you a curveball, your self-esteem may slump in tune with the situation, but your self-confidence, though it may slip momentarily, will always return to your baseline of self-confidence, enabling you weather most any storm.

If you have good self-confidence, you have a positive inner-dialogue or self-talk, you don’t beat yourself up for missteps, do not seek to blame yourself or others, and are not prone to give much credence to the rumor mill or what others might think. You realize that life is a balancing of give-and-take, ups-and-downs.

Your self-confidence enables you to experience the challenges we face in life without being totally devastated. You can go through hard times and come out on the other side feeling okay about yourself and the world.

Self-acceptance

Self-acceptance is the attribute which trumps self-esteem every time, because self-acceptance asserts, “I’m okay,” no matter what. It’s not based on other’s opinions or what anyone else thinks about you. Self-acceptance resides within you, independently, enabling you to feel good about your strengths as well as embracing your weaknesses as part of your unique character.

You accept yourself for what and who you are and are not prone to bouts of self-deprecating guilt because you can forgive yourself. You realize that it is what it is, and you’re just doing the best with what you have in the moment, which may not always be as right as it could be, or worked out the way you intended, but you meant well, and you can forgive yourself when things don’t work out as planned.

If you accept yourself the way you are, you may not be motivated to engage in much self-improvement because you’re all good just the way you are.

Accepting yourself allows the real you to shine through, without worrying about what others might think. You can relax, be more open and honest about who you are, what you’re feeling, and what you want or need. Self-acceptance is a powerful attribute in love and relationships, ushering in transparency in communication and life, leading to deeper connections and greater intimacy, while also enabling you to allow others to be who they are without judgment.

Self-love

Less enlightened folks will caution against the idea of self-love because they believe loving yourself leads to selfishness, unrestricted indulgences, and egotistical or narcissistic tendencies, which are actually demonstrable personality traits indicating a lack of self-love. You can understand why one might confuse these considering our society’s fear-based programming.

A lack of self-love is also expressed by one’s ability to hate; to hate others and one’s self.

We can manage to express love to others in the absence of great self-love, though this is laborious and is contradictory to the sacred charge to, “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31). Tis better to serve from a cup overflowing.

Lack of self-love is also what motivates us to find love outside of ourselves, which rarely, if ever, provides us the quality of love we seek and long for. Since it is highly unlikely to find and sustain this divine love outside ourselves (though it may feel as though it has been attained in the short-term) relationships decline in love, even if they do manage to stay together.

You were born with the true source of love, though since birth it has been hidden within you, it still is there waiting. It is the Holy Grail tucked away inside your heart, buried in your treasure chest, waiting to be discovered by you. You are the only person who can find, embrace and release its awesome power.

Self-love is powered by the source of all life, a sacred inner appreciation for yourself, regardless of anything external. It represents the connection to divine love that was lost at birth, or soon thereafter. It cannot be worked for or earned, it is a powerful free gift via the real-time connection, and sees you as perfect, as you see yourself through the eyes of God.

Self-love accepts you unconditionally and has the unfailing respect, compassion, and love for you and everything you think and do, regardless, as well as empowering you to love others unconditionally, as your love overflows to them.

Self-love lights the way to experiencing greater love and connection with everyone, and everything everywhere. This love tethers you to original source love and thereby all life.

Materialism What Your Stuff Says About You

It starts at about 22 weeks of age and peaks in early teenage adolescence, depending on your sense of self, if there is a deficit, you are more likely to be inclined tosuffer from materialism, the obsession with stuff. All kinds of stuff, like bags, books, clothes, cars, toys, jewelry, furniture and electronic devices.

In an effort to feel better, feel good, obtain happiness or validate our sense of personal value, we tend to make up the difference by surrounding ourselves with identifiable things representing the value or success we demand we be associated with by others.

It is likely we are more apt to go buy something impractical or beyond our means when we are feeling blue or victimized or suffering from low self-esteem. The purchase of a luxury item sends a flood of dopamine to the brain that makes us feel good, but the purchase does not sustain the feeling for long, resulting in the common caveat, “You cannot buy happiness.”

materialism-what-your-stuff-says-about-you

No matter how much we realize the possession of things cannot make us happy, we still do it… and the economic virility of our nation depends on it. The system is built and structured around commercialism, breeding and nurturing a materialistic nation of over-anxious consumers, willing to rob from Peter to pay Paul, risk the failure of relationship and financial wellness, to obtain object of desire that may be beyond our means.

Our first major purchase as a young adult, our car, sets the pace for our future as a materialistic consumer of goods which we identify ourselves with and help to make us feel better by being supported or admired by peers based on this item.

What does your cache of possessions say about you when you are out and about town? While you are confidently sporting your latest luxury wardrobe, bag or other accessories, people who do not know you are more likely to assume that you are a member of the snobby, self-centered one percent and unapproachable as a kind, sensitive or caring person. Which is fine, if that’s your intention, to be viewed as such.

Our obsession with stuff helps to mitigate the damages of a fragile ego and could explain our tendency to over-purchase luxury items amidst our “mid-life crisis,” an explosion of demand to be recognized and noticed by valuation of our possessions, regardless of our lack of self-esteem or accomplishments in life.

Men who are prone to one-night-stands surround themselves with flashy possessions to lure unsuspecting women, which works like a magnet as women are prone to associate luxury items with stability and success. Researcher Jill Sundie ascertained that women interested in casual relationships are likely to seek out men with high-priced belongings as a likely candidate for a brief sexual encounter.

Psychologists find that the more expensive your personal belongings, the less they are likely to volunteer, or find satisfaction in community, family, country, religious organizations and are less inclined to join in demanding social activities.

Materialistic consumers are as a rule more depressed, personality disorders, anxiety, selfish, have poorer relationships and are admired less by their peers.

According to a Tufts University study, “People who are highly focused on materialistic values have lower personal well-being and psychological health than those who believe that materialistic pursuits are relatively unimportant.” Also, that they are more likely to suffer from physical problems such as headaches, and to personality disorders, narcissistic, and antisocial behaviors.

The Materialistic Virus

It actually spreads like a virus fueled by advertising and media exposure, most of us are available toward off the materialistic bug, until we are bit and infected by a friend or neighbor who makes an outlandish purchase.

You see them quietly flaunting their purchase and you’re impressed because you feel like you are more deserving of it than that person who earns less than you do. (Even though they cannot afford it, and they themselves have been bitten by the same bug.)

After a while, your natural defense to warding off such irrational thought beaks down as you start to rationalize and find ways to possess such an item – or a better one – for yourself to in effect “keep up with the Joneses.” Regardless of your otherwise sound purchasing practices.

This sense of materialistic competition finds us over-extending ourselves to match or supersede the efforts of our neighbors or co-workers.

Maybe consider asking yourself before you make that next luxury purchase,

“Can I actually afford this?”

And consider additionally asking,

“What will this purchase say about me?”

And,

“How will this purchase affect others?”

If it alienates others, makes you seem unapproachable or spreads the materialistic virus to others, maybe it’s worth re-thinking your potential purchase.

Self Sabotage

You want it. You want it bad. You want it more than you’ve ever wanted it before. Your desire has brought you to look at it in the eye. Here you are face-to-face with that which you desire. It’s so close, you can sense it, see it, smell and taste it.

The planets are aligned, the moment is here. This is the right time and the right place to finally get that illusive thing you have longed for.

What do you do?

You might be surprised to discover that most (if not all) people will unwittingly do anything possible to prevent taking full advantage of the opportunity to have what they want. In fact, they may unconsciously disregard, disrespect and ultimately destroy the opportunity altogether.

self-sabotage

Self-sabotage

If you’ve done this – and I know you have – you are a self-saboteur. How do I know you have done this? Because everyone has committed self-sabotage at some point in their life. I don’t know one person who has not sabotaged themselves at some point (well, maybe one, but I believe he is in denial – and that’s okay).

Why would I sabotage myself?

This is something that happens deep inside your self – the you that you are in the core of your being – that subconscious part of you that desires to protect you from all things that may lead to disappointment.

Your subconscious is your oldest protection mechanism. It perfectly recalls every moment when you were disappointed, experienced distress, pain, or got your feelings hurt. In those moments, this deepest part of you vowed to protect you from ever feeling like that again.

This part of your being is also the keeper of your deepest fears and lack of self-esteem or sense of unworthiness.

Experience + Fear – Self esteem = Self Sabotage

When these ingredients are combined and activated, the toxic result is Self-sabotage.

With the best of intentions, your subconscious will do everything possible to avoid – or even push away – that which you so sincerely desire to preserve your state of being.

Unlike you conscious mind which might be able to rationalize, with Tennyson’s, “’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” your subconscious believes it is far better not to have had anything than to suffer the anxiety, disappointment, pain or sadness associated with loss.

Your subconscious is always ready to do battle with any tools available to prevent you from having what you truly desire – if there is a chance things might not ultimately work out, like you would have liked.

Your subconscious takes this so seriously that it believes it’s thwarting your possibility of happiness is self-preservation, a life-saving effort. It’s as if your life depends on avoiding this opportunity at all costs.

How Do I Stop Self-sabotage?

The answer to the question about, “What can I do about my tendency to self sabotage?” can be complex and when I work with someone on their propensity to sabotage themselves, it’s easy to see no two self saboteurs are alike. Nonetheless, the process always centers around the same base ingredients of the equation.

Experience, Fear and Self esteem

If you can recognize the experiences that are preventing you from moving forward, what your fears are and what they are based on and ways that you might lack self esteem or sense of unworthiness and resolve these underlying issues, then you can confidently destroy the self-sabotage defense mechanism, while retaining the wisdom associated with your life’s experience.

Short Cut to Freedom from Self Sabotage

You might think, “Oh, that sounds like a lot of work… Isn’t there something I can do now to avoid self sabotage?”

Yes, you can start with reprogramming your self-conscious by adding a layer of worthiness using your imagination and positive affirmations.

Create a Vision

Create a vision of yourself in your mind’s eye of you completely happy, having that which you desire, fully safe and secure in its fullest expression. The more elaborate the vision with all five senses fully engaged, the more effective it will be. Take five minutes in the morning (preferably the first five minutes of your awakenedness) and five minutes in the evening to take yourself to this place, imagining how great it will be.

Affirmations

Reciting positive affirmations is a good way to start reprogramming your self-conscious. Following are some ideas for affirmations that you can recite (more effective out loud, if possible and silently if more appropriate) which can effectively begin to become more believable or real the more you recite them:

I love and accept myself unconditionally.

I release any need for misery and suffering.

I let go of anything in my past that might be holding me back.

I have high self esteem and I respect myself.

I deserve all the best this life has to offer.

I think on these things: Love, Good health, Prosperity and Positive outcomes. As I do, more love, greater health, wealth and the best things in life come to me.

I love and respect every moment of my life and am so grateful for the blessing of living my best life as it continues to get even better.

And now that you know this, the next time your approached with an incredible opportunity?

Consider jumping into full immersion.

What if it doesn’t work out?

You will not have to be like so many whom I have visited in their last moment whose lives are full of regret for not taking action when they had the chance.

You might get your feelings hurt… and that’s okay… because

It might just be your greatest experience ever!

 

 

How to Build Self Esteem

Self-esteem is basically how you feel about yourself as a person. It’s not so much focused on your competence or abilities as your inner dialogue and feeling about yourself, the things you do, and how you do them.

how to build self esteem building self esteem

Low Self Esteem

It’s not good or bad to have low or high self-esteem, it is what it is and we’re all doing the best we can with what we have. Nonetheless, the people I work with find it beneficial to build their self-esteem because it seems to be associated with a certain degree of worthiness.

Good things happen to good people and the better you feel about the good things in your life, the more good things will come to you. Call it what you want, wishful thinking, pop science, or new age mumbo jumbo, regardless statistics verify this at a high level of accuracy.

An example might be, let’s say you have had the opportunity to apply paint to paper or canvas in such a way as to result in an artistic rendering. You put it up on the wall and say to yourself, “Oh, jeeze, I wish I had better skills than this thing might be worth looking at.”

Before you have a chance to take it down, a friend shows up unexpectedly and notices your painting, “Oh, my,” he/she says, “I didn’t know you painted. That’s really nice, you have real talent.”

You might reply, “Oh, that? That’s nothing. I was just experimenting. Sometimes I wish I could paint, so I dabble, only to discover I can’t.” While you think to yourself, “Ugh, I suck at this. I don’t even know why I did it in the first place.”

Your friend assures you that it looks marvelous and that you may have more talent than you give credit to yourself and departs. You take down the painting and berate yourself, while thinking that your friend was only saying those things in an effort to be nice.

If you have low self-esteem you’re likely to be your own worst critic, with a self-loathing voice often disrespecting you, your value, and any good you could possibly bring to the world. Even if you’ve accomplished a good thing, there is little sense of accomplishment (as if you’d barely gotten through it at all) and certainly, no celebration or sense of pride in a job well done. And if someone attempts to validate your efforts by paying a compliment, you’re likely to discard it.

Somewhere at the root of lack of self-esteem, is the feeling that you’re not good enough.

Yet, there is an innate part of us that aspires to feel good, so we try to feel the void of not feeling good with other things that will make us feel better or distract us from our own self-deprecation.

People with low self-esteem attempt to fill the void with accomplishments, social status, fancy things, degrees, wealth, surrounding one’s self with influential people, thrill-seeking, extra-marital affairs, feeding addictions such as alcohol, drugs, and/or food, etc. only to find the underlying feeling of unworthiness remains.

Comparison

Often how we feel about ourselves is based upon our inner system of weights and balances used when comparing ourselves to other people. When you look at someone else, do you believe that you are as attractive, intelligent, successful, and deserving of love and happiness as anyone else?

If your tendency is to feel as though you are less of a person than someone else, then you will be prone to deliberate compromises that are not in your best interests, such as being a people pleaser, submissive, a perfectionist, suffer from mood imbalances, depression, even more unworthiness or a compulsion to prove that we are somehow better than someone else or they are undeserving.

High Self Esteem

If you are blessed to have high self-esteem, it was likely the result of your familial or social upbringing that influenced your sense of not only being good enough but deserving of all the best things this life has to offer. For the most part, this is the story of your life. You are one of the good people so good things keep happening to you.

You might have been raised in an environment that supported a high perceived value of self in respect to family, love, religion, friendships, team sports, or other relationships. When surrounded by your circle of influence you are ecstatically empowered; this sense of worthiness and power is ingrained enough to carry you through most anything.

Then there are those who have achieved high self-esteem based on performance or competency. These are those who invest their efforts to support their family, their professions or the community at large and feel a strong sense of worthiness based on the kind of person they are and the things they do.

The downside to high self-esteem is running the risk of being viewed by others as selfish, conceited, arrogant, or narcissistic; so tempering high self-esteem with humility produces a healthier balance overall.

How to Build Self Esteem

The first place to start is to recognize your inner voice eschewing any sense of worthiness you might have. Listen for your self talk and stop it. In the style of the late, Gene Wilder in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, “Strike that. Reverse it.” Then repeat to yourself just the opposite.

Think about it this way; I think we all can agree within us resides a small-child version of ourselves. If we could imagine inviting that little person out to stand in front of us and say to that child the negative things we say to ourselves, it would likely drive that little person to tears. We would never say those kinds of things to a child. What would we do instead? We would offer words of encouragement, edifying and uplifting the child for doing the best he/she could and you affirm the results were magnificent based on their level of performance and even alludes to possible greatness. Right?

It doesn’t matter what other people say. What matters is what you say to you. When you feel negative thoughts this is your cue to give yourself some loving support. Stop berating yourself.

The next thing to do is to start acting as if you have high self-esteem.

If you have high self-esteem:

  • You know you are worthy of all the best things this life has to offer
  • You take good care of yourself
  • You help others, but only after tending to your own needs first
  • You take care of your body, eat well, exercise, and have good sleep habits
  • You manage your time well
  • You set boundaries in respect to yourself
  • You find excuses to celebrate and have fun
  • You are financially responsible. You spend less than you earn, save and invest
  • You are confident in your skills and abilities
  • If you fall short, you do not beat yourself up over it
  • You take personal responsibility for everything in your life
  • You are the manager of your emotional state
  • You readjust and reaffirm the best things in life the best you can considering the current circumstances (which could be dire)
  • You do not allow your appearance, circumstances, status, social interactions, wealth or relationships to dictate your emotional state
  • Nor do you rely on addictive behaviors to affect your state of being

These are the goals to set and achieve as you build self esteem, and as you practice these attributes they will become more and more a part of who you are. You will fall in love with the magnificent person you are – and always have been – and enjoy the presence of the person reflected in your mirror.

You are amazing!

 

How Do You Feel About Yourself?

The better you feel about yourself, the more you will have and be able to give to a troubled world.

How do you feel about yourself when you look in the mirrorIf you are not feeling good about who you are as a person, you are more likely to be tired, depressed, feeling as if you are all alone in this world, anxious or unhappy.

How you feel about the person you see when you look in the mirror affects the entire world that surrounds you; your relationships, your career, satisfaction, and overall quality of life.

Here are a dozen questions to ask that can put you on the path of becoming your highest and best enabling you to have more of yourself to share with a world that needs your positive impact.

How do you feel about yourself What does my inner voice say about me

 

1. What does my inner voice say about me?

Sometimes our own inner voice is our worst enemy; old recordings that play on in continuous loops touting self-criticism or unworthiness.

You can interrupt the pattern with a strike-that-reverse-it strategy. There are many methods to approach this kind of negative self-talk but I have found that the most immediate and abrupt interruptions and reversal methods work best.

Snap It Out

For instance, wearing a rubber band on your wrist and snapping it immediately when you sense the negative thought. This creates a stopping point.

Next, you want to say (out loud, if you can) the opposite, positive reinforcement or reframe of the negative thought three times (this can be silently to yourself if you’re in a public environment where this might be inappropriate).

You might also consider a simple tapping exercise that I encourage my clients to use that goes like this:

Tap It Out

Let’s say your negative thought was, “I’m stupid.” Immediately cock your middle finger with your thumb and flick your ear (just like you might do to your little brother, or maybe you grandmother did that to you to interrupt your pattern of behavior, while remembering that this is not punishment, only a strong signal to stop the thought in its tracks).

You don’t have to flick your ear but I do suggest that you flick yourself somewhere around the vicinity of your head because this recognizes and identifies the location where the transgression originated. With a little practice you can develop a flicking method that couldn’t even be discerned by the unsuspecting public around you.

Then with the same finger that you flicked yourself with, tap the inside center of the palm of your opposite hand repeatedly. While you tap continuously say the negative thought (out-loud, if you can) three times with as much negative emotion associated with the words that you can muster. While you are doing this, imagine seeing the thought travel from your brain to inside the palm of your hand while you are saying the words. Then close your hand tightly, as if you are gripping the thought so as not to release it.

Next, turn over your clenched fist and tap repeatedly at a rapid pace, just like you did before, only this time repeat the opposite supportive positive phrase (out-loud if you can) that counteracts the negative thought. In this case if might be something, like, “I am getting so much smarter and brilliant every day. I’m a genius!” After the third recitation seal the deal by an affirmative closing statement, like, “I love the new me!”

Then, open your hand and let the negative thought fall down to the ground like a rock. Brush the insides of your hands in a cleansing motion and go on about your day a little better than you were before.

Amazingly, the next time that negative thought interrupts your daily life (if at all), you will find that you have less emotional attachment to it. This is an effective method that breaks the pattern and also removes the psychological pain associated with these negative invasions.

This works for my clients – and it will work for you – if you give it a chance.

Some other questions you might ask could be:

2. How positive is my personal outlook?

We all have heard about how we are supposed to maintain a positive mental attitude ad infinitum. But it can sometimes be a challenge top think positively when you’re not feeling so good about yourself or life in general.

It’s not enough that we are bombarded by life circumstances that may be less than desirable but we are commonly exposed to negative influences that are quite easily monitored and filtered by simply paying attention and taking action to protect your personal space.

Find ways to focus on the positive. Start looking for the silver lining in everything in your life and avoid or eliminate anything that does not resonate with your happiness.

3. Do I open myself to destructive programming?

The phrase Garbage In Garbage Out (GIGO) originally used amongst computer programmers to refer to erroneous programming code or input producing unrecognizable output. We are not that much different; what we allow as input to our central processing unit (CPU) may produce a perception, belief or feeling based on data that may not be in our best interest.

If you want to take control of how you feel about yourself, it is imperative that you take action to control what information your mind has access to and/or how much attention you will give to certain kinds of data.

I routinely get exposed to data that is extremely interesting to my scientific mind. Then I have to ask myself, “Am I willing to dedicate a great deal of my life’s work and energy to this topic?” One must manage the economy of time, effort and concentration. Learn how to say, “No,” to some projects that would be better served by someone else’s expertise. Learning to tune out unnecessary input can help reduce the white noise in your thoughts.

You might consider monitoring, filtering or eliminating other input representing vibrational incongruencies, like media, TV, news, magazines, tabloids, etc… Intentionally seek out more sources of positive input from cognitively selected books, web sites, recordings, videos that are more in line with what you want.

4. What is the quality of my relationships?

You can immediately affect the quality of your self-worth by hanging out with a higher quality of friends and associates. Simply stated, ditch the nay-sayers, nervous perfectionists and compulsive conspiracy theorists and begin to surround yourself with more supportive and positive people.

Some people have a toxic affect on your life. You can tell by the way that you feel after you’ve spent time with them. Ask yourself, “Do I feel better when I’m around them?” Or do they make you feel drained? If they do not make you feel better, then they are not the kind of people that are in your best interest. If they drain you or are toxic, you need to stop spending time with those people.

Start making more time for the people that make you feel better about yourself. This raises the vibration of your personal power bubble.

5. How much gratitude do I exude?

The more thankful that you are for all the things that bring you joy or that you appreciate in your life also raises your self-esteem. To keep from taking things for granted every day, consider taking a daily 2 Minute Gratitude Break.

It’s a good way to take out a couple of minutes to reflect on the day’s events and activities. In a seated upright position with your feet flat on the floor, arms relaxed on your legs with hands palm up, take a deep breath in through your nose and let it out through your mouth, repeat as you relax… Concentrate on three things that you are grateful about yourself today (they don’t have to be big things).

Consider getting a small notebook to record the three things that you are grateful for each day. Review the list by reading it back to yourself out loud and smile. You may be surprised that as you look for the things that you are thankful for, you will find more good things happening in your life as you look for them.

6. At what level do I maintain strength and honor?

When you do the right thing, keep your word and stay true to what you believe in, you bolster your self-esteem. This makes you even stronger as you feel better about yourself and more confident about whom you are as a human being.

Mean what you say, say what you mean, let your word be your bond. Make your handshake and the words you express be integrous and trustworthy.

If you are in a leadership or influential position, don’t tell others what to do (especially if it sounds like judging others or preaching). Instead, lead by example. Let others see your good works and allow them to emulate your performance.

Become predictably dependable, giving others confidence in your ability to do what you say you will do.

7. Am I a perfectionist?

For the perfectionist, you need to lighten up and learn to let go of your rigid perfectionism.

Consider cutting yourself some slack and you’ll be surprised at how much more you accomplish in your life which will also make you feel better and better.

It is better to get a thing done than to do nothing from fear of not being able to complete it perfectly (or procrastination).

Perfectionists have a tendency to lean towards private self-abuse, condemning themselves for falling short (refer back to #1).

Embrace adequacy when doing a project. For instance, if you need to write a report, give yourself a deadline; a date and a time. When the time is up; you’re done. Move one and let it go. You could write and re-write for days… Sure, you could re-edit it at another time, but if you do; create a new deadline and stick to it.

I’m not saying to settle for mediocrity or to compromise your integrity, just to cut yourself some slack… for you. You are amazing and you deserve it. And you might be surprised at how much people appreciate your new level of increased performance.

Perfectionists also tend to expect more from their peers, which tends to be a constant cause of frustration. Learn to be more tolerant and let others do the best they can with the tools that they have (not everyone can be as wonderful as you, and that’s okay). Learn to let others be.

I know, it seems impossible… but it gets easier.

8. What if I Blow it?

You have to stop the self-deprecation. You are no longer allowed to put yourself down for shortcomings.

From now on, you must learn to forgive yourself and learn to let things go (see #1). Some people ride themselves so hard that they get physically sick.

If you blow it, remember that you are a good person and you’re getting better every day.

Then take a look at the facts; what made you do what you did? This is an important step because we all make mistakes, but if we examine the evidence and identify where we broke weak, we are more likely to prevent stumbling again. (At least in this way, because let’s face it, we all misstep sometimes. Nobody’s perfect.)

Congratulate yourself for figuring it out and make yourself a promise to look out more for yourself in the future. You have just completed another course in what not to do next time.

Always look for the silver lining, use positive reinforcement, forgive yourself, give yourself a big hug and tell your inner self, “I love you. You are awesome.” Because you are.

9. How Do I Treat Others?

Helping others makes you feel better about yourself. Be kind and generous. Commit to random acts of kindness. Volunteer your talent or time to an honorable cause. It feels good to help others who are less fortunate than you.

There’s nothing better than The Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” (Jesus’ sermon on the mount, Matthew 7:12). No matter what you station in life (even if you feel like you’re at the bottom), there’s always somebody worse off than you.

I know that I help people every day, and some days… when I feel like I have nothing to give (yes, even I have my down days), but when I force myself to go through the motions on the behalf of someone else; it helps me to resonate with my strength and I get re-charged when my life affects someone else’s in a positive manner.

Just a simple compliment can make someone’s day, makes you feel better, and others feel better about you, too.

10. When’s the last time I tried something new?

Doing something you’ve never done before (especially something you may have avoided because the thought of it made you uncomfortable) builds self-esteem.

It can be something that you’ve always wanted to do, or maybe something that may not have even occurred to you.

As you look for opportunities to experience something new, they will appear before you… and engaging in these activities – even it if turns out that you don’t like them – gives you self-confidence and assurance in yourself.

It is better to say, “No thanks. I tried it and didn’t like it,” than to shy away, just because you’ve never done it before. (Note: this does not apply to illegal activities, which would be contrary to your strength and honor. See #6.)

11. Do I Compare Myself to Others?

Most of the clients I attract are upwardly mobile, focused and committed to high levels of personal excellence and they do tend to struggle with comparing themselves to others. Simply stated, comparing yourself to others drains your personal power.

So what, if someone’s better at something than you are? Guess what? You’re better at something than someone else. Instead of trying to beat out that person’s performance in that area, congratulate them on their strength in that area and move on.

Appreciate others for their unique abilities and you embrace your uniqueness.

Use healthy modeling. When you see in someone else an attribute that you would like to adopt as your own – go ahead – set a goal to attain it for yourself. Try it on; if it doesn’t feel comfortable, no problem. You can still have access to that attribute in your life by outsourcing it.

Make a friend or hire a professional that has that attribute as their innate skill.

If you compare yourself to anyone, compare who you are today to whom you were yesterday and continue to grow, measure your growth regularly and applaud your progress.

12. Who could I be?

Whoever you want to be: Be that!

Your path of personal growth is constant and never ending. You are continually growing, changing, reinventing, recreating and expanding into the new, improved you.

As an author, I am discouraged sometimes about the trail of documentation that I leave behind me that is a constant reminder of who I was yesterday. Does that slow me down? No way; onward and upward I go!

Don’t get stuck in the past and resist letting it drag you back from whence you came.

Model your mentors and heroes, act as if. I hear you saying, “You mean to fake it?” Yes, fake it ‘til you make it. It’s what everyone learns to do; royalty learns to act like royalty by “acting the part,” just like an actor plays a part. As his or her highness is adequately groomed and coached, they appear to be the person they are supposed to be.

When they feel that sense of 100% congruency with whom they are supposed to be; who knows? (Truth be known, they may never feel worthy of the role that they play.)

Dress nicer, groom yourself better and smile. Celebrate the you who is everything that you could be and remember that no matter how far you’ve come it can be even better.

Invite a glowing self-image by pretending that you have the highest self-esteem ever, and this feeling will find a home to live within you.

There is no higher calling than to accept the call to be your highest and best. I applaud you for the new you that you are becoming.

You are the lighthouse shining light beaming out of the darkness to help show others the way. You might be experiencing a metamorphosis, becoming a mentor to help others lost in the darkest night.

Let it be.

See also: How to Build Self-Esteem

Unworthy Self Doubt Breakthrough

Ever have an idea then second guess whether you have what it takes to bring your idea through to fruition?

The truth is, you wouldn’t have been given the thought of the idea, if you weren’t keenly selected to give birth to it. Thought is precognition.

What you do about it is part of the Scientific Experiment of Life and maybe – just maybe – it’s time for your to breakthrough the barriers of self-doubt or feeling unworthy.

Unworthy Self Doubt Breakthrough

 

Your ability to see this through is your birthright, even if the idea of your success is counter-intuitive with regard to society and your familial training in a world that teaches us to believe that we’re not good enough.

You probably have been convinced that massive success is only attainable by the few, those more deserving, from successful families or the highly educated.

It is time to abolish your self-doubt or feelings of unworthiness. It is not uncommon for people to say, “But,” followed by a liturgy of excuses they have been made to believe will keep them from being worthy enough to be massively successful.

You do not need to have an MBA in business to achieve great success in today’s market place. In fact, here’s a list of billionaires and multi-millionaires who never graduated from college that you may find inspiring:

Paul Allen Microsoft
Richard Branson Virgin Atlantic Airways
Andrew Carnegie Carnegie Steel Company
Walter Cronkite CBS News
Michael Dell Dell Computers
Barry Diller Fox Broadcasting Company
Walt Disney Walt Disney
Larry Ellison Oracle
Debra Fields Mrs. Field’s Cookies
Henry Ford Ford Motor Company
Bill Gates Microsoft
David Geffen DreamWorks
Milton Hershey Hershey’s Milk Chocolate
Wayne Huizenga Blockbuster Entertainment
Jim Jannard Oakley Sunglasses
Peter Jennings ABC News
Steve Jobs Apple Computer
Ralph Lauren Fashion Designer
Thomas Monaghan Domino’s Pizza
Rosie O’Donnell Actress/TV Host
Anthony Robbins Personal Power
Stephen Spielberg Movie Director
Harry S. Truman U.S. President
Ted Turner CNN
Mark Zuckerberg Facebook

… just to name a few of the successful dropouts who have made their mark (pretty good company, eh?). So don’t let anyone tell you that you do not have what it takes, because you do.

You may have been led to believe that you shouldn’t even try, or torture yourself with, “What if I fail?” Fear of Failure can be a brick wall immobilizing your from the ability to move forward.

Oftentimes, we are our own worst enemy and the biggest obstacle between what we have and what we want. Check out 7 Steps to get out of your way and get what you want.

Having the idea is not enough because ideas are gifts from the universe to the world. Revelation is given freely and the blessing is reserved for the person who takes the decisive and necessary action to give birth to the idea. Having an idea is like having a lottery ticket, taking the action to bring the idea to life is like buying a winning lottery ticket.

The real secret is in the doingness. If you are able to rise above the nay Sayers and the programming (that is designed to keep you down and widen the gap between upper and lower classes) you can create your own good fortune from scratch. God blesses the doer.

Your idea is a gift of the most beautiful song that the world is waiting to hear, so sing it.

Preserving the Servants Heart

I have a servant’s heart, as do many of my clients. There is a downside to being of selfless service to others, and that is neglecting the self-care necessary to maintain a healthy life for the person possessing a servant’s heart. The result is a decline in emotional health, that left to deteriorate, will affect the biological system and adding undue mental stress. This could result in lack of self-respect, angst, premature aging and a host of other health-related issues.

Preserving the servants heart self respect healthy boundaries

The servant must find ways to preserve themselves to be able to better serve their clients, community and/or world at large. Often, the servant feels as though, “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one,” (Spock, Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan).

There needs to be a healthy balance, even so – rarely – one may be called upon to make the ultimate sacrifice for the greater good. Many have had to answer the call, including my 20-year-old son who answered this call on a particular 4th of July while serving in the Armed Services in Afghanistan, though most of us in the service of others will not face paying the ultimate price on their behalf.

That said, to better serve others best, we in service must pay enough attention to our own needs to maintain a healthy platform to work from enabling us to better serve our communities.

Servants need to stop feeling the needs of others are more important than their own. If you have neglected your own self-care, it’s time to take back your life to increase your effectiveness in servitude. Your needs are important and only you have the ability to tend to your needs. It can be uncomfortable, but taking steps to preserve one’s self is paramount to your success in effective service over time.

The key is balance

Learn to say, “No”

For the servant, it can seem counter-intuitive, but you were created with an internal sensor to help you monitor when and what serves your highest and best performance of your service. Some call it intuition; at the very least it is that undaunted feeling of overwhelm, a clear indication the situation at hand is not congruent with your personal terms of service.

In this moment it is certainly prudent for you to exercise your ability to simply say, “No.” (I can see that grimacing expression on your face. Stay with me…) you must start using this word. Uncomfortable as it may be at first, trust me, it will get easier. It’s a small two-letter word that will help you create enough space to establish a basic parameter. It is not your calling to be all things to all men and besides, saying no doesn’t imply that you don’t respect or like someone; it only means no. That’s all.

You may need a little wiggle room to muster up a firm, “No.” If so, you could offer up a stall tactic, like, “Let me check my schedule and get back to you.”

If you have a long history of always saying, “Yes,” when it was not in your best interest, you could dress it up a bit by saying, “Now is not a good time for me,” or, “that’s not really my area of expertise,” and refer them to someone more keenly attuned to that particular circumstance or project.

You can refer them to someone who is better suited or equipped to take on the task, or encourage the person approaching you to examine their own abilities and some insightful review might lead them to the conclusion that they may have the skills necessary to undertake it on their own. Why not use your intuition to give them the opportunity to grow?

In the event you have accepted a particular responsibility and felt uncomfortable or resentful for having accepted the challenge, this is a clear indication, that when approached with this type of offer in the future, declining the assignment is certainly in order.

For the persons who call on you to serve them, and have little respect for all that you do, ask yourself, “Would I let this person treat my son or daughter, like that?” If the answer is no, then it’s time to start setting some healthy boundaries.

How to be Confident Self Talk

Throughout the course of my career as my calling has taken on different colors, shapes, and forms, people have come to me with a variety of issues. One of the most common challenges that I find people struggling with self-esteem.

Back in the day I would work with individuals specifically with overcoming their personal concerns. As I refine my work, currently I work mostly with people who on the move; they’re the movers, shakers and risk takers, who need to be on their game to increase their probability of success; massive success.

Many of the modalities that I use deal with overcoming issues with one’s physiological, psychological or spiritual status. When dealing with issues associated with self-confidence it is often necessary to deal with underlying issues on all three fronts; the body, the mind, and the spirit.

When I am working with someone whose confidence level is a three on a scale of 1 to 10 and they have plans of making a presentation to an important audience, readying for a pitch for Shark Tank or getting to make an appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Network, it is imperative that you raise your self-esteem to a higher level. My goal is to get my client to a confidence level of ten.

Level 10 Confidence

When your self-esteem is at its peak and you’re exuding level 10 confidence you are unshakeable and unstoppable. You have the internal fortitude to take on any challenging situation or circumstance that would be intimidating (if not crippling) to anyone maintaining low self-esteem.

That’s why I’ve developed the TENNERCISE system, to raise anyone’s self-confidence level and increase their powers of personal performance to achieve their highest and best. Tennercise utilizes components from a myriad of modalities to get you from where you are to where you want to be.

One of the first actions you can take to get a grip on your self-esteem and raise your confidence is to address your

How to be confidant self talk

Self Talk

Self-talk is that voice inside your head, sometimes that still small voice, other times like a roaring lion, insisting that you are unworthy, to be shamed or disrespected in some way or not good enough.

Low self-esteem – as well as high self-confidence – requires constant maintenance. If you’re feeling like you’re not on your game there’s probably a lot of negative programs running in the background to keep you down (or safe). You might ask, how do I banish,

Negative Self Talk

Negative self-talk has to go. It is working hard to keep you down, so you have to man up (or woman up) and claim authority over the source of your lack of self esteem.

Whack a Mole

You have to interrupt the negative self-talk with a quick and effective whack as soon as it rears its ugly head. Whack! How do I whack the negative self-talk mole?

If I’m at home alone, I clap my hands (loudly, creating a little pain) stop… and turn an abrupt about-face. If I’m sitting at a table or desk in view of others, I might flick my ear. In a meeting, I might (literally) bite my tongue.

Mock the Voice

The mole’s voice inside your head can be quite ominous. I find disarming the mole’s voice by reducing it to a funny cartoon baby-like caricature-sounding voice removes all the negativity from the negative thought. Then I make fun of it by repeating it in the silly cartoon voice (using my outside voice or inner voice, whichever is more appropriate at the time) and laugh (or smile) at it. After you’ve don’t this a few times, the next time it pops up, it does so in the revised silly voice (you might not even have to whack it when it shows up in this manner).

Positive Self Talk

Now it’s time to reframe for more positive thinking. Now, in your most authoritative voice, restate the negative as the most positive affirmation that you can conjure up. This is your new positive self-talk. Take note of your new positive reinforcement and use it any time your negative mole-speak pops up. Feel free (you are encouraged to) modify your positive affirmation as you think of ways to make it even more positively reaffirming.

Whacking and disarming your negative self-talking mole can be an excellent method of building self-confidence as you begin to rebuild your new and improved vision of yourself, ready to take on the world.

You can join us in saying,

Look out world

Here I come