Friends and Sex

If you can’t treat and trust your partner like a friend, then maybe you’re not ready to move forward in your relationship in love.

How do you treat your friends?

You are understanding and forgiving of your friends. You have a sort of unconditional love with your friends. They can do crazy things, and you can laugh with them about it. They can make huge mistakes and you can feel sorry for them because you know their intentions were good.

If you and your friend get into a heated debate, you can both walk away with your feelings hurt, then the next time you meet, you’ve put the issue behind, almost as if it didn’t happen and resume your relationship.

You can be supportive and love them no matter what they say, no matter what they do. Your friendship is pliable and never at risk of being lost. These are the conditions of your longest-lasting friendships. The kind where you can go without seeing them due to life circumstances, and no matter how long it’s been, you pick up right where you left off without missing a beat.

These are your real life BFFs.

Then there’s your relationship with your partner. How can you compare the two?

“Well,” you interject, “I’m not having sex with my friends.”

Good point.

It is well known that there is a bio-chemical reaction that takes place when bodies start to intermingle and are penetrated by another, not to mention the effects of the psychological and spiritual exchange that happens when body fluids are exposed to another.

It’s the nature of human beings. It’s what keeps us separate from the other mammals on our planet. Something about how we were designed has a part of us longing to have a long-term committed, loving, supportive, and monogamous relationship.

As much as some of us try to reduce sex to just an ordinary natural act, our body chemistry and tendency to deeply attach, even if against our will, overshadows any analytical representation that there really is a difference between having sex and making love.

Yet, there is an acute distinction between the two.

“Having sex,” refers to the simple act of copulation between two consenting adults. The idea is that these two parties can engage in and enjoy the act of having sex without all the complications and attachments of having a romantic relationship.

While this is an excellent ideal, I can tell you, based on the singles and couples I’ve consulted with, nothing could be further from the truth. These stories of one-night stands or frivolous sexual encounters did not come at a price, and science backs up and predicts the price being paid, whether you admit it at the time, or ever, the fact remains, there is no such thing as casual sex.

“Making love,” on the other hand, is the romanticized version of sexual intimacy which assumes a loving, (preferably monogamous) relationship with the intention to go on in life with each other with love, compassion, understanding and integrity.

Where things go sideways, is when one partner is making love while the other partner is having sex. There’s the rub, and there is danger ahead.

If you’ve had an experience, like this, then you have probably suffered emotional trauma and it would be understandable if you suffered love’s Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, which would potentially include the inability to trust another potentially intimate partner.

Consider the idea of not engaging in a sexual encounter until you’re at least relatively certain that your partner has your best interests at heart. Do not go there until you feel as though he or she can be trusted by the placing of your heart in his or her hands.

Waiting until you feel as though you could love, care, understand, and accept him or her, just as you would any other friend, may be too much to ask. And that’s okay.

But at least, do your best to look after yourself, which is solely your responsibility.

If you feel like you can engage in casual sex, then have the talk, set and accept the ground rules before going there. Then, the onus is on you to manage the repercussions on your own with integrity.

Help to mitigate the effects of having these kinds of relationships is available to you, when you are ready.

If you are going to engage in making love, then by all means, have the love talk before you go there, if love is your intention.

No amount of preparation and caution can protect your heart from experiencing pain in a love relationship, but without love and the vulnerability with accompanies it, life is less than it could be.

Holy Sex Acts

Back in the day when a large part of my ministry was focused on religious couples counseling, often Mary and I would be called on to deal with a couple’s most intimate details of their life. We even conducted training seminars on the subject for groups of counselors, nationally.

Even today, the most advanced religiously-based couples still run into these issues, mostly due to rumor and the bent expressions of other religious people who surround them. While I am not specializing in the area of sex in relationships, these days, invariably, the topic comes up for couples (especially Christian couples) facing challenges in their relationship.

It appears that people have forgotten that God’s first charge for mankind was to have sex. Later (for whatever reasons, according to biblical texts), God restricted sanctioned sex to that which was confined to the marriage relationship.

The best news for a sexually active married couple, is that God blesses anything you might like to try, explore, celebrate and enjoy in the marriage bed, for this sacred space is considered “undefilable” for the couple bonded in marriage, according to St. Paul (Hebrews 13:4). This is your sexual playground, to be enjoyed to its fullest.

There are some things that, according to the Bible, should be avoided in the married sexual relationship, which are reasonable things to be avoided in a relationship. I know you’re anxious to find out what they are, so buckle up for what God doesn’t want you to do sexually when you’re married…

Sex Outside of Marriage

God is very clear about having sex with anyone outside the boundaries of marriage. Regardless of examples of infidelity in the Bible by some of the most respected characters and biblical heroes, this is not an indication of God’s blessing. And, pretty much, if all the details were known, adding additional sex partners to the marriage relationship, has led to less than desirable results. And even though the Bible is a 2,000-year-old document, it still contains valuable secrets of successful relationships and mental health, so consider having an open mind.


Many (including scientists and mental health professionals) people have proven over time that having sex with your family members is detrimental to having a positive impact on one’s life. So, again, the Bible hits the bullseye on this caveat to not engage in any sex acts with any family members. Just don’t do it. (Plus, there are laws against it, which vary state to state.)

Weird Sex

Okay, this is where people get all tied up (stay tuned, it’s okay to tie up your Christian wife or husband if she or he consents). Weird sex, according to the Bible, is sex that takes place outside the marriage relationship which is unconventional. This refers to sex acts with animals, which is prohibited, and prostitution. Including deviant sex acts with someone (or something) outside of the sacred marriage bed.

The Sexual Good News

Everything else is okay!

Think about the opportunities which are open to a marriage relationship and sanctioned by God: Everything.


Yes, everything; as long as the husband and wife consent.

What this looks like to a husband and wife will look very different from one couple to another. There is nothing that is more intimately unique and private than that which takes place in the marriage bed.

By all means, establish “safe words” and experiment with each other to find out what works for the two of you.

Let go of all those old-fashioned restraints, which were not put on you by God, but by others with their own sexual hang-ups. Feel free to express your unrestrained liberty with each other as you explore all the magnificence, exciting, elegant, beautiful and consider being creative in your pursuit of this most intimate exploration.

Keep in mind that love is courteous and kind, so find ways to take your partner’s considerations under advisement. You would not want to do anything that is harmful, destructive, or traumatic for your partner. Be compassionate, gentle, and kind as you explore and if something is determined to be undesirable, avoid that particular sexual activity, but keep exploring.

Sexual exploration is part of the expansion and evolution of the contemporary human experience. This is not only available to you, it is God’s calling you to a deeper, more meaningful, and expressive relationship between a husband and wife.