It’s Just Not Fair Haters Gonna Hate

Someone, somewhere at some time planted the idea that life should be fair, and when we recognize that something is not fair, we utter the words, “But that’s not fair.” As if fairness was a default setting, and due to some breach of security an unfairness has slipped through the cracks.

When you feel as though you’ve been treated unfairly, something wells up inside you that makes you resistant to the idea. You do not like being treated unfairly. In fact, the whole idea of any unfairness just gnaws away at everything you believe about what is right and what is wrong, acceptable and unacceptable. When you’re treated unfairly, it goes against everything you believe in and you get angry.

The rejection of any idea of unfairness usually can be traced back to unfairness you experienced as a child. This is where the idea of the injustice of being treated unfairly is rooted, and the angst felt by a child is much more fierce than one might expect from an adult. Depending on where your feelings about being treated unfairly originate, the younger you were when you came across the idea, the more negative feeling you will have about it in the present day.

When you are criticized, you experience a sort of flashback, triggering those early emotions and you feel escalated negative emotion. After all, you’ve worked hard to accomplish this – or that – and how dare some disrespectful ingrate insult all your efforts to bring this thing to this point. And you get pissed because of this injustice hurled by an unrestricted hater. “It’s not right. I worked so hard…”

Although, it is right; it is the nature of the world we live in. When a hater releases an outburst of hate, it’s actually a good sign indicating you are doing extremely well. Haters are what they are, and they will spew their hatred at any opportunity, and if a particular target might seem to over-react, or get their feelings hurt, all the better for the hater. That’s what they want. In order for them to feel good, they must make someone else suffer and feel bad.

When you are experiencing a level above average in anything you do, the haters start taking notice. This is the cue haters are looking for, always on the lookout for someone’s success, indicating to them that it is their job to knock them down a few pegs. If you are having a great deal of success or happiness, the haters start swarming. It’s nothing new, just a fact of life on planet earth.

There are reasons to expect opposition, such as

  • Seeing things from a different point of view
  • Differing ideas about values or morality
  • Everyone struggles with their own inner demons
  • Someone may act out on a stereotypical basis
  • They might be jealous of your success
  • They could be responding to a miscommunication
  • They might be misinterpreting or spinning your story
  • Maybe they just hate everything at every opportunity

Haters are not hard to find, they proliferate the Internet and social media lurking and looking for opportunities to spread their hatred far and wide, while they cower safely behind their technology. You can bet, if you’re doing something good, the haters are taking notice as you show up as a new blip on their radar.

Don’t look at it as being treated unfairly; instead try to think of it as a compliment.

Haters gonna hate. It’s a fact of life.

Everyone is entitled t their own point of view, and just as you have freedom of expression, so do the haters. There is no right or wrong in opposing points of view. It just is what it is.

Some people are going to love you and the things that you do, others… Well, not so much.

When you make a stand for something you believe in and you are disrespected or attacked by haters, it’s okay. Understand that their hatred has nothing to do with you. It is only the haters doing the only thing they know how to do, that makes them feel a little better. This is the pay off for them. They are in a constant state of pain and misery. Hurting someone else’s feelings is the only way they know how to get some relief because making someone feel bad makes them feel better. That’s all they know. Can you blame them?

Stomping Baby Turtles

Put yourself in their shoes. If you were in a constant state of pain, and the only way you could find relief from the pain was to stomp on a baby turtle, if the pain was great enough, you might be compelled to do it. And if you did and it made the pain subside, you might be more inclined to do it again. After a while, you may discover that if you stomped on many of them, not only would the pain subside, but you might even feel exhilarated and happy.

Likewise, when a hater strikes out against you, it really has nothing to do with you, it’s all about them, looking for ways to make themselves feel a little better. It’s the only thing they know of that gives them a sense of relief.

And what if you, too, are a hater?

If you are trying to get people to see a thing from your point of view, even insisting on it, aren’t you doing the same thing? If you don’t like someone the way they are, do you try to get them to change? If so, you might be a clandestine hater (though more subtle in your delivery).

Just because you see something from a different point of view does not make you right or someone else wrong. Be confident enough to share from your perspective, but allow them to see it from theirs. Don’t try to change their mind. Only they can do that. Simply humbly plant a seed and let it go. It just is what it is.

Practicing tolerance, not judging people, allowing them to be what they are, honoring their right to believe whatever they want to, and understanding that we all are only doing the best we can with what we have, will keep you on track to a brighter future.

Hurtful Words When Words Hurt

It never ceases to amaze me when someone can do something as simple as speech a particular sequence of words, maybe throw in some voice inflection and body language for flavor, that delivers an emotional impact equivalent to an MMA beat-down.

In many cases, words hurt more than actions.

Hurtful words when words hurtWhat’s happening when people hurt you without touching you?

When someone hurts you using nothing other than the spoken word the psychological and physiological pain come from either the intent of person delivering the phrase (it’s on you) or the recipient (it’s on me).

It’s On You

Someone can maliciously stack words that are hurtful in an attempt to hurt your feelings, make you feel bad, crush your self-confidence, make you sick to your stomach or beat yourself up over time causing mental anguish, sleepless nights and/or deteriorating health conditions.

Even though the assailant never touched you, a clever and devious person could launch a verbal campaign that could cripple another person.

We all can probably conjure up a memory of a time when someone’s hurtful words were delivered with the intent to make us cringe… and most (if not all) of us can recall a time when words were delivered with pre-meditated malice hurt us terribly. In some cases we might have rather been physically pummeled that hurt from deep within; a pain that can be more enduring than just getting beaten within an inch of your life.

Shame on the person who lashes out at another person, like that, though it is worth remember that it is said, “hurt people hurt people” which might mean that the person who is launching the verbal abuse or assault may be struggling with terrible pain from within themselves.

It’s On Me

Sometimes the spoken word can hurt us, when there was no intent in being hurtful in any way.

This can be a clear indication that we – the recipients – are pre-disposed, locked-loaded and ready to fire at the first sign of an attack. Seeking signs and certain words as assaultive causes to fight – launching our own assaultive stream of hurtful words as a counter-attack in self-defense – is the symptom of inner work that needs to be done where deeper healing may be required.

At the very least, it is embarrassing, when we wrongly interpret someone’s attempt to communicate with us as a psychological attack and start burning fences on a furry of ill-intended words with the veracity of a flame thrower.

Love Hurts

When we engage in a deeply personal relationship with another person, setting aside all our inhibitions, being transparent and totally honest (literally naked) can leave us very vulnerable. This vulnerability leaves us open to experiencing – not only the most magnificent feelings of all time but also – the most pain; more pain than could be delivered by any other individual.

When someone you love hurts you with their words, the initial response might be to accuse them of being psychologically abusive, to engage in a quarrel/shouting match or allow your own self worth deteriorate as you allow yourself to be victimized.

Yet, it could be easily understood as a potential misunderstanding if you could remember a time:

When you hurt someone you love

Can you recall an experience similar to this?

Let’s say you were communicating with someone you cared deeply about – someone you would never have the intention of hurting – yet, here they are defensive and accusatory that you have disrespected or attacked them verbally.

It’s not too hard, if you are able to find the space to imagine what if the shoe was on the other foot?

How to not let people get to you when words hurt

Here are a few brief and quick tools that you can use to help you diffuse an otherwise explosive emotional event prompted by hurtful words:

#1 Love Them

Giving you allowance for some personal space to have an initial reaction to the words that seem to have hurt your feelings – as soon as you are able to achieve some level of clarity – look for empathy.

Yes, they have had enough disregard for you to speak words that you feel are not pleasing to you. When you take it personally, you disregard them in kind.

If you can find clarity of mind, try to imagine what it must be like for him or her to be living the life they are living. Could this be a misunderstanding? Could it be his or her inner child crying out for love?

A little understanding from within (don’t try to diagnose, treat or interrogate them in this moment. Leave that for some future moment in time, if you’re so inclined) goes a long way in being able to imagine why someone might say something, like that.

If he or she is not a psychopath, send their inner child some love and understanding – like a virtual hug – to their heart, and find a kind word to say to them, if you can.

#2 Be Open

Sometimes words that are meant to hurt are a calling out for someone to connect with on a deeper level. It is true, “A kind word turns away wrath,” (Proverbs 15:1) and can open the door to a deeper level of communication and understanding. The key: be open.

Do not judge, intimidate or threaten them. Just invite them to share their feelings without challenging their beliefs or justifying their thoughts. This can have a huge impact and offer healing to the individual (especially the inner child) who desperately wants to be heard, but is afraid; often finding it more comfortable to be rude than transparent.

#3 Erase the Pain

Hurtful words can cause physiological and psychological pain. Sometimes the pain endures over time. I use a very effective and simple technique that only costs one cent. I call it:

Penny for Your Thoughts

To use this process, you will need some privacy, a copper penny and the ability to reduce your discomfort to a single emotionally-charged statement.

A. The statement

An example might be something like:

Penny for your thoughts“I hate it when (insert name) disrespects me and treats me like garbage. He’s (or she’s) a dirty rotten (insert expletive)!”

Make certain to include his/her name and some inappropriate name-calling (even if you might not do it in front of anyone in real life) and make sure that when you speak the statement you muster up all the bad feelings you possibly can.

Say the statement out-loud just to make sure it is an emotional match to how hurt or mad you are.

B. Place and charge the penny

There are three location of your body that you will hold the penny flat against your body with your non-dominant hand.

The Places

1. Head
Just above and between the eyebrows against your forehead
2. Heart
Over your heart
3. Stomach
Mid-way over your stomach-area.

Starting with the head location, hold the penny flat against your forehead, repeat your emotionally-charged statement (you should feel the negative emotion as much as you possibly can) and charge the penny.

The Charging

As you repeat your statement, tap the penny at a comfortably rapid pace with a finger (or multiple fingers, if that is more comfortable for you) of your dominant hand.

This charges the penny with the electrical components of the emotional charge from your body.

Repeat as many times as necessary, repeating the phrase and charging the penny at the head, heart and stomach locations.

Usually three rounds of head, heart and stomach will yield a major reduction in your level of pain and/or discomfort.

C. Discard the penny

Smile. You feel better. You’re done with that penny and statement. You will find that you can now verbalize that very statement without feeling the emotional pain connected to it. Congratulations!

It’s so effective, you might like to get another penny and try another painful emotion that you’ve kept bottled up inside.