Why Do Victims of Trauma Find Solace in Similar Activities?

You may have a client or a friend who is engaging in activities that are similar to those that they experienced in childhood that were traumatizing, thereby continuing the cycle of abuse and, in a sense, paying homage to the person or persons who victimized them in their youth. If you have been one of the lucky ones who have not been a victim of such childhood abuse, you may never understand. The question remains,

Why Do Victims of Trauma Find Solace in Similar Activities?

For adult victims of childhood trauma, engaging in activities or placing themselves in situations reminiscent of the traumatic experiences of their past is an effective coping mechanism. The psychological, emotional, and neurological factors behind such actions are highly complex and extremely individualized. These individuals share their ability to adapt to their environment, a successful survival instinct, and the potential to avail themselves to engage in activities that are potentially unhealthy in the long term.

If the victim was robbed of his or her personal power as a child in the traumatic event, note this is a definitive distinction of trauma in general, then restaging the event in adulthood can empower the victim, thereby offering him or her a sense of relief from the traumatic experience of the past.

They can affirmatively experience being in control of the present situation when they have had no control in the recollection of their memories of the past. Reenacting the scene(s) of the crime is conducted in an effort to rewrite the past, rebuild confidence, and, in a sense master the circumstances surrounding the trauma.

Desensitization is another way to cope with one’s traumatic past. Normalizing the activity and partaking in it regularly dulls the senses and makes it not as painful as it was in the past. This type of cognitive rationalization can be thought of as just a fact of everyday life that everyone could or should get accustomed to, thereby reducing or eliminating the pain associated with the traumatic experience.

The victim may be in search of understanding regarding the former traumatic event(s), and revisiting the trauma avails them more data regarding the predator and their own victimization. As further information is gathered and research is conducted by engaging in similar activities as an adult, the inner child believes it can make sense of what happened in the past and find a way to integrate this understanding into present-day life. It might be believed that this understanding could lead to reducing the potential for furthering this type of abuse for others in some way.

When you are haunted by memories of abuses or injustices of the past, they can show up in adulthood in the strangest ways and at the most inopportune times. Managing these emotions by creating similar circumstances to expose and deal with the trauma of the victim’s own volition, in their own way, on their own terms, places them “in control” of emotional trauma when previously there was likely little or no control, never knowing when the compressed emotions might explode into life-threatening exposure next.

With all this effort, relief is experienced by the victim in the revisiting of the traumatic events or circumstances, but the relief is not lasting. This fleeting sense of relief causes the victim to seek relief again by seeking opportunities to revisit the trauma yet again.

When victims come to the realization that even with all their efforts to reconcile their traumatic pasts are in vain and may cause more harm to themselves and others in the long run, that is when they seek out me or one of my contemporaries.

How to Help a Victim of Trauma


Because You Were Sexually Assaulted as a Child

Question: Why is my life so messed up? Answer: Because you were sexually assaulted as a child. When I started working in family counseling back in the day, the statistics indicated that one in four adults in the United States had been sexually molested in their youth. That was then.

Now, I believe those numbers were greatly understated. These crimes against young children were far more pervasive than the help and support industries ever imagined. Why the disparaging contrast in the numbers? Because, for far too long, this has been the most concealed life secret that has ever been kept, that is, until now.

These vile sexual abusers are most often known and trusted family members, friends of family, childcare providers, teachers, coaches, counselors, mentors, or clergy.

The adults who have persevered through life keeping this solemn secret of sexual child abuse are breaking through the barriers which have cost them greatly, but far more do not as they continue to keep the secret, even after the violator’s death.

No matter how fervently they deny it, refuse to mention or look at it, keeping it bottled up and buried deep inside, this crime by which they were victimized in their naïve youth finds ways to manifest itself.

What are the signs of child sexual abuse?

When you push down all the emotional impact of this childhood trauma and abuse, it manifests itself in many ways.

1. Social Inadequacy

Social suffering is common. Connections with other people are superficial and commonly not as deep or meaningful as they might have been. Relationships with family, friends, romantic relationships suffer due to this lack of connection, and inability to be open and honest (with others or one’s self).

2. School and Work Extremes

In school and work, extreme behavior shows up either as substandard (mostly) or extravagant high performance. They are often diagnosed as having autism, ADHD, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Bipolar, or other mental health disorders.

3. Addiction

They are attracted to addictions in an attempt to self-medicate or cope, to relieve some of the mental and physiological anguish and stress from burying these childhood tragedies.

4. Health Problems

How does childhood sexual abuse affect the health of the victim?

The longer the pressure builds from these deep, festering, inner wounds from being sexually victimized as a child are left unattended to, the more the poison spreads throughout the body, leading to deterioration, disease, and premature death.

Victims of child sexual abuse are more likely to suffer from high blood pressure, heart disease, cancer, obesity, diabetes, and are more likely to engage in various methods of self-harm, and

5. Suicidal Ideation

and are 17 times more likely to have suicidal tendencies than their non-sexually-assaulted peers.

The Biggest Secret is Lethal

The biggest secret of all time is killing our people, someone you know, or even you.

The statistics are vastly understated, and if you are harboring this secret, covering it up, or trying to just make it through life without ever looking at it, you know that the statistics are not even close.

You know because you know your statistics would never be known. You were determined to take the biggest secret of all time to the grave with you.


If that is you, hopefully, you are rethinking your commitment to a life-long cover-up.

Every day you continue to let this crime of your youth continue to haunt you (even if you’ve convinced yourself that it is not or no big deal) the fact remains that you are allowing your victimizer to continue to harm you as your health and peace of mind continue to deteriorate.

Do not let this perpetrator take you out.


This abuse has gone on long enough. And it stops, right here. Right now.

You don’t have to confront or seek to punish the offender (unless he or she is currently potentially sexually abusing other victims). The most important part of healing from this offense is done within you. Seek out a competent counselor, coach, or therapist who can help you work through the process, and begin the process of healing from within.

This will give you the hope of having a potentially amazing life, full of joy, happiness, health, and longevity.

The Best News

And the best news is this; after you’ve done the work, or even in the midst of it, you can help reach out to others who are also dying from keeping the biggest secret of all time.

Together, we can stop this atrocity, and help to create a better world for our youth who are being sexually accosted at this very moment. It starts with you.

Stop the continued victimization and live a better life, your best life, and make the world a better place.


My Teen is Out of Control

If you’ve raised kids, are raising kids, or been a kid who’s gone through adolescence invariably, you, your parent, or both have cried out, “My teen is out of control!” (or something similar). Is it really just a phase? And What can you do about it?

Certainly. There is the normal level of adolescent behavior which accompanies the teen years indicating the teen’s quest to, in a sense, discover who they are and to establish their own identity. This process can be uncomfortable as he or she challenges all rules and boundaries. Normal adolescent behavior does not cross certain boundaries.

If you’re pulling your hair out or ready to scream “My teen is out of control” you might be witnessing something entirely different, and it is not your teenager’s loss of sanity.

When your teenager expresses themselves in a highly negative manner, they are not going crazy. When your teenager acts out by yelling and screaming, increases using foul and hate language at louder volumes, causes physical damage to inanimate objects, threatens or abuses others, your child is not crazy.

Neither is your child crazy for being insanely disrespectful, selfish and angry, refusing to honor curfew, staying out all night, getting drunk, high, and/or arrested. No, your teenager is not insane.
You might be surprised to discover that your out of control teenager is not really out of control at all.

The underlying message being communicated through all their appearing to be out-of-control is that your teenager does not have adequate skills to get their needs met, navigate social environments, negotiate, solve problems, communicate effectively, or create meaningful relationships.

So, they act out instead. And after a while, you lower your expectations and standards for your teen because it’s just too hard to deal with.

Now, who’s in control? Your out-of-control teen.

With all their inability to get their needs met, they’ve exerted their power over you by insolence, unrelenting force of will, and angst, and this becomes their method of getting what they want.

If left unchecked, this will follow them into adulthood, and all of us over the age of thirty can easily identify these individuals if they are fortunate enough to keep themselves out of prison. They are the bullies of our society, and we sometimes refer to them as narcissists.

Narcissists are either born or made. In this instance, these out of control teens learn to be narcissistic because this is the only way they know how to get through life. They are often accused of being mean, even though they are not acting out of any malice of intent.

These teens-turned-narcissists routinely hurt others as they try to get what they want or need any way they can, but they don’t mean to. They are just so focused on what they want, that they have no concept of any collateral damage which may occur as a result of exercising their methods.

They, just like you, are only doing the best they can with what they have.
Of course, the best method of preventing your child from becoming an out of control teen is to get to them early. A beloved mentor of mine once said, “If you don’t get them by age twelve, you will lose them.”

Even so, if you’re in the process of parenting a teen who you think is already out of control, there is hope, even though many parents are fearful of exerting any firm parenting skills in the fear that their out of control teen might dial 9-1-1, potentially landing the parent in jail. (This is a very fascinating state of affairs in our modern society.)

Without risking all, you can try to reason with your teen. Of course, their first reaction will be to deny any responsibility and blame their parents, the school, their friends, the societal and legal systems, their parents, and especially you for having to suffer their lot in life.

Maybe you can help them to discover new skills to get their needs met, navigate social environments, negotiate, solve problems, communicate effectively, and create meaningful relationships.

Be careful not to judge, ridicule, talk down to them, or preach to them. Listen to them and seek to understand what they are saying. Interject your thoughts gently and respectively, then let it go. Let your words simmer inside them. And love them.

Love them like there’s no tomorrow. Love them no matter what. Love them like it’s all there is, because it is.

Be a blessing, pray, and let love find the way.

Rejecting Love

Some people just have no capacity for love. It’s not that they have no love in them because every one of us comes pre-filled with unlimited love, yet still, there are those who cannot accept love or even receive love because they have, to varying degrees, limited their inner love center or shut it down completely.

You recognize these people building virtual walls around themselves to keep people from getting in. They are highly guarded, defensive about love, keepers of secrets, and avoid connection through social interaction. Even a simple compliment is quickly discounted by these otherwise well-meaning people, who may be quick to respond aggressively or in anger as they reject the idea of being complimented.

At one moment, he or she can seem perfectly normal and suddenly they transform into someone else in a sort of Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde safety maneuver.

Our earliest experiences in life often dictate how you will respond to love throughout your life. It is highly likely that a person who rejects love did not grow up around a healthy love model in his or her young life.

In their tender, early years, those who reject love probably equated love with disappointment, rejection, and a barrage of other negative feelings which causes emotional pain and trauma triggered by even the thought of being vulnerable enough to give or receive love.

That’s why someone who has childhood trauma associated with love might react negatively or with hostility when approached with the idea of being loved as he or she sees love as a threat and may feel those same emotions tied to their unconscious childhood memories welling up inside them causing them to defensively reject an otherwise innocent loving gesture.

Those who are closest to them may find themselves being rejected, blamed for the way they are feeling or expressing themselves, accused of some imposed offense, or potential victims of abusive behavior when all they did was to offer caring love and support.

If you are one of those unfortunate recipients of an emotional upheaval, be aware that it has nothing to do with you. Only someone who is in a lot of suppressed emotional pain would respond to your love and affection that way.

Often these people are reacting to their life-long attempts to bury their negative feelings from childhood of loneliness, neglect, fear of abandonment, or abuse.

Their survival instinct kicks in as they subconsciously try to keep themselves from being hurt again, like they were in their youth, when someone they depended on, loved and trusted made them feel safe, loved and protected, only to found out that the people they love will let them down, betray, or hurt them.

There is also a conscious disconnect if someone feels as though they are unlovable, unworthy of being loved, or associates pain with love when someone else extends love to them. It’s like a short circuit happens in their brain, which challenges everything they “know” about life and their place in our society.

This feeling that being a victim of all the negative things which could happen when he or she is loved is triggered and this type of victimhood is very difficult to break-through.

A sense of mortality can present a problem with accepting love if they are obsessed with the idea of impending death. This can be triggered early in life when a loved one or a pet that was deeply loved suddenly dies. It could also happen later in life when an adult loses a loved-one unexpectedly.

These are the people who enter into a contract with their being to never love again so as to avoid the painful loss. They feel better about keeping close relationships at arm’s length or seeking a secluded life in isolation.

There are many other reasons which might find you face-to-face with someone who avoids or rejects love. In any case, those who are able to move on beyond their inclination to reject love are able to make a break-through by working with a coach, consultant, or counselor who can help them deal with the issues which threaten their ability to love and be loved.

And just as effectively, a love rejector can find their way by working through these issues and meet their inner child all on their own.

Even so, most importantly, when someone acts as though they are rejecting your love, know it is not about you, even if they blame you for their reaction. It is your responsibility to be compassionate and love them no matter what.

Do not try to fix them. Do not accuse them of being wrong or broken because they are not.

The object of your affection is only doing the best that he or she can with what they have.

Find new ways to love and support them which do not trigger his or her defense systems and love them unconditionally, if you dare.

God willing, one day he or she will awaken to true love and find a better way to love and be loved.

Love is all there is, everything else is an illusion.

See you at the Soulmate Wizardry event.

Top 30 Minds Silenced

Kids who are different, kids who are “bad,” may be the most special kids of all, the hope for a brilliant future, if we could only let them flourish and grow into the potentially most amazing minds contributing to a wildly better world.

Some of the most amazing minds in history were rebellious or abused children, or kids who would have been labeled with certain “disabilities” in our modern day, medicated into compliance, institutionalized, or potentially never survived long enough to make their contribution.

What is the price humanity is paying for attempting to control the quality of our children, so that they are easier to manage, control, more similar, or “normal?”

We put those unruly little curmudgeons into special classes, and schools to train them to be more controllable, keep them in fear of persecution or prosecution for being “different”, and develop new ways to subsidize their submitting themselves to veritable “invisibility”, or institutionalize them for noncompliance.

Drugging our children to turn them into compliant zombies does lighten the load on teachers and educational administrations, but at what cost?

What if we rolled back the clock and imposed this method or forsaking the uniquely individual child for the ease of managing larger numbers of compliant children en masse?

Then we would have missed out on the benefits we all enjoy due to the new ideas and thoughts that were bestowed upon us by the most amazing minds in our history.

For instance, take a look at these 30 minds, which would have been dumbed-down, drugged-out, or otherwise silenced by today’s standards:

Top 30 Minds Silenced

1. Alexander the Great
2. Hans Christian Andersen
3. Aristotle
4. Beethoven
5. Alexander Graham Bell
6. Andrew Carnegie
7. Lewis Carroll
8. Winston Churchill
9. Leonard Da Vinci
10. Charles Darwin
11. Emily Dickinson
12. Walt Disney
13. Thomas Edison
14. Albert Einstein
15. Henry Ford
16. Galileo
17. Vincent van Gogh
18. George Frederick Handel
19. Thomas Jefferson
20. John F. Kennedy
21. Abraham Lincoln
22. Michelangelo
23. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
24. Sir Isaac Newton
25. Norman Rockwell
26. Anna Eleanor Roosevelt
27. Nikola Tesla
28. George Washington
29. Orville and Wilbur Wright
30. Woodrow Wilson

To live in a world without the influence of just these 30, of some of the greatest minds of our time, would hardly be conceivable. Yet, minds, just like these, are being silenced every day as we medicate and segregate our children by modern methodologies.

The world we live in, today, is vastly different than the world we lived in, in the past. In many ways, this strange new world has presented us with unimaginable possibilities, especially when compared to the world where these 30 minds lived their lives.

While it is different and more advanced, what have we sacrificed for the benefit of those social engineers tasked with the management of the human race?

Do you feel like you are a more independent thinker?

And if you to think that you are an independent thinker, do you think that someone “out there” may have convinced you of those thoughts which you think are your own?

May those thoughts have been carefully placed there to more easily manage you?

Are we all just mice racing through a craftily constructed maze?

Might we be perpetuating this madness by imposing behavioral restrictions and segmentation of our children?

Are our rebellious children, or the ones who don’t fit in with their peers, potential geniuses?

I believe that even the most awkward of our children, the ones that face the greatest challenges, those who are diagnosed as, “disabled,” hold within their hearts and minds the keys to a greater world. A world so great, that there are others who may be afraid of its unfurling before us.

I live in this world, and in many ways, I play along… but I know that something grander lies just over the horizon, and a new day is dawning.

Just for Kids

If you’re a kid, and someone is trying to make you be something you know in your heart of hearts that you know you are not. Think about finding someone to talk to, who might be able to help you. Do not let anyone tell you that you are anything less than perfection, because the truth is: God doesn’t make junk.

You were made to be different, not just another face in the crowd. If you don’t fit in, great! That means you’re on the right path. You are special.

You are perfect, just the way you are. Maybe not perfect for the situation you are in, right now, but you, yourself are the perfect you. The most perfect that you could be at every moment of every day.

Will you make mistakes? Yes. Will you face challenges that sometimes feel like it’s just too much for you to handle? Yes. We all do. And we just keep on going. Just do the best you can with what you have. It’s all anyone of us can do.

Every step you take makes you better, stronger, and more prepared for your bright future.

Don’t lose sight of who you really are. One day, when the time is right, your light will shine.

You are amazing. We are so blessed that you are here, and we can’t wait for all the great things you have (or will have) to share with us.

We love you, no matter what.