The Love of Jesus Mindset in Dealing with Trauma Victims

The greatest tool that can be wielded when working with a trauma victim is the “love of Jesus mindset.” This means that you defend the rights of the victim to be and do anything and everything they can to have some peace of mind. You and I might not agree with how they do so, but we will defend their right to do so, possibly with one qualification: as long as it doesn’t encroach on another’s rights to live their life as best they can.

In doing so, we create a sacred field of energy in which we can do the work necessary to assist the victim in their desire for true recovery. Note that I said “their desire,” as it cannot be your desire or the desire of a relative, loved one, boss, or judge. If we have learned anything, we know by experience that change cannot occur unless the victim seeks transformative change over all else, including but not limited to coping mechanisms.

You may be able to threaten a victim into feigning recovery to keep from losing the family, risking incarceration, or worse, but the victim will not be likely to conduct the deepest work necessary to get free from the trauma unless it is their idea. Allow them to come to this conclusion of his or her own volition. You cannot make this decision for them. If they choose to never do so, love him or her anyway. If they do, know that it is a process, a lengthy, long, and winding road of discovery, reinvention, and adaptation along the way to authentic recovery and new life.

The love of Jesus mindset provides a safe and sacred space where there is no judgment. Only empathy, reflective listening, compassion, openness, and a true sense of caring. Use phrases like “I’m here to listen” and “I care about your well-being.”

Practice active listening by reflecting back on what the person is expressing. This helps them feel heard and understood. For example, you might say, “It sounds like engaging in these activities is important to you, but I’m also hearing that it has some negative impacts on your life.”

Carefully and gently explore the patterns in their behavior and help them connect the dots between their coping mechanisms and their overall well-being. Ask open-ended questions about their experiences and feelings. Let them fill in the blanks and elaborate. If they offer resistance, change the subject. This is not an intervention.

Making the necessary adjustments in a victim’s life will be difficult for them, and it may take several attempts to make the changes in utilizing their coping mechanisms stick. You can help by encouraging them to celebrate their victories, no matter how small and no matter how short the duration. You understand that this is a process, and further attempts at change will yield better, more long-lasting results.

Over time, they feel supported and can build the self-confidence to move forward and dig deeper into finding the root cause(s) of their life struggles. Little by little, they are becoming the master of their own destiny, no longer just a victim struggling against wounds from trauma from the past.

You can offer them ideas about more positive coping mechanisms that they can use as alternatives to the negative behaviors they are expressing now, but the choice of what to try is theirs. Never suggest that they do a particular thing. You will lose them if you try to tell them what to do. Give them three choices and let them pick one to attempt, or let them devise another option. Alternatively, continue to listen to them and see if they are willing to dig deeper.

Help them examine that the negative coping strategies come at a price, and allow them to discover and relate the potential risk factors to you. At their request, you could help them in the examination process and ask their thoughts on your research results. Allow them to be wherever they are in their process.

Basic healthy suggestions you could make might include embarking on a path of personal growth and change, mindfulness practices, physical exercise, relaxation techniques, building supportive relationships, self-care practices, setting healthy boundaries, and seeking out a specialist to work with.

Remember, the process of change is often gradual, and individuals may need ongoing support. Professional guidance can play a crucial role in helping them navigate this journey towards healthier coping mechanisms and improved well-being.

 

How to Help a Victim of Trauma

Recreating the scene of the crime of a victim’s trauma and unconsciously acting out in homage to one’s abuser can reinforce negative behavioral patterns, prevent an otherwise healthy and expansive quality of life experience, and greatly hinder personal growth potential, making true deep and meaningful healing next to impossible.

While victims of trauma may find solace in revisiting similar activities from their traumatic past as an effective coping mechanism, the relief realized is temporary, blocking them from confronting and processing the emotions, slaying the demons, and ultimately overcoming past trauma, emerging from the flames as true masters of their own destiny.

Revisiting, acting out, and recreating traumatic experiences and circumstances, while they may offer some relief, may severely complicate or compromise otherwise potentially healthy relationships, as the individual may struggle with trust and emotional intimacy.

Not only that but there is a tremendous opportunity to make matters worse, re-traumatizing the victim or creating a new generation of victims. Engaging in these unhealthy activities and placing oneself in trauma-related circumstances can lead to serious health risks and may come with moral and legal consequences.

How to Help a Victim of Trauma

If there is any hope for you to help someone struggling with these mind-bending dichotomies, it is vitally important that you do everything you can to first understand how the trauma victim fights for survival in manners which you could not possibly “know,” unless you were also a victim of similar trauma. Even so, everyone’s experience and how they respond to it is highly individualistic, so you can never truly know what someone is going through, but you can do your best to have an idea. And your heart, if it is inclined to truly care about someone suffering in this way, can be a bridge to a victim’s recovery.

Suggesting that someone’s sacred act of providing relief from the pain suffered from one’s traumatic past may be a huge hindrance blocking their potential for a higher quality of life must be considered with the utmost respect and caution. This new idea may threaten their very existence, for their tendency to act out in the manner they do is their key to survival, enabling them to live a somewhat normal life. They may feel as though their very life depends upon it, and they may not be wrong.

Not engaging in the activity could kill them. One such example would be John, whom I asked if he thought he might be an alcoholic. He refused such a label, admitting that he did drink every night, but unlike his father, he could quit at any time. Just to prove it to himself, he decided not to partake in any alcohol over the weekend. By Sunday at noon, he was dropped off at the hospital by the ambulance. Sunday evening, he was sent home with strict orders to drink alcohol until he could be entered into an inpatient rehab program.

Neither you nor I could have explained this to John. For this exercise to be effective, he had to come up with the idea to test his own potential for addiction. He was a strong, independent, successful individual, making his way through life. No one in his circle of life had any idea that he might have an alcohol addiction, yet his very life depended upon it. Today, he is in his sixteenth year of sobriety. But it was a process of facing and defeating his demons from a traumatic past over time. There is no quick and easy fix for this.

While I say there is no quick and easy fix, I am quickened by those words because I have seen miraculous and instant recovery, but only from a magnificent and instantaneous transformative spiritual experience. These born-again-type experiences are far rarer these days than in days gone by. Keep an open mind; you might experience such a feat, but don’t count on it.

Helping a victim of trauma, one who has spent a great deal of time learning to self-medicate or revisit the victim’s root behaviors as a key coping mechanism, will take the love of Jesus mindset.

 

Why Do Victims of Trauma Find Solace in Similar Activities?

You may have a client or a friend who is engaging in activities that are similar to those that they experienced in childhood that were traumatizing, thereby continuing the cycle of abuse and, in a sense, paying homage to the person or persons who victimized them in their youth. If you have been one of the lucky ones who have not been a victim of such childhood abuse, you may never understand. The question remains,

Why Do Victims of Trauma Find Solace in Similar Activities?

For adult victims of childhood trauma, engaging in activities or placing themselves in situations reminiscent of the traumatic experiences of their past is an effective coping mechanism. The psychological, emotional, and neurological factors behind such actions are highly complex and extremely individualized. These individuals share their ability to adapt to their environment, a successful survival instinct, and the potential to avail themselves to engage in activities that are potentially unhealthy in the long term.

If the victim was robbed of his or her personal power as a child in the traumatic event, note this is a definitive distinction of trauma in general, then restaging the event in adulthood can empower the victim, thereby offering him or her a sense of relief from the traumatic experience of the past.

They can affirmatively experience being in control of the present situation when they have had no control in the recollection of their memories of the past. Reenacting the scene(s) of the crime is conducted in an effort to rewrite the past, rebuild confidence, and, in a sense master the circumstances surrounding the trauma.

Desensitization is another way to cope with one’s traumatic past. Normalizing the activity and partaking in it regularly dulls the senses and makes it not as painful as it was in the past. This type of cognitive rationalization can be thought of as just a fact of everyday life that everyone could or should get accustomed to, thereby reducing or eliminating the pain associated with the traumatic experience.

The victim may be in search of understanding regarding the former traumatic event(s), and revisiting the trauma avails them more data regarding the predator and their own victimization. As further information is gathered and research is conducted by engaging in similar activities as an adult, the inner child believes it can make sense of what happened in the past and find a way to integrate this understanding into present-day life. It might be believed that this understanding could lead to reducing the potential for furthering this type of abuse for others in some way.

When you are haunted by memories of abuses or injustices of the past, they can show up in adulthood in the strangest ways and at the most inopportune times. Managing these emotions by creating similar circumstances to expose and deal with the trauma of the victim’s own volition, in their own way, on their own terms, places them “in control” of emotional trauma when previously there was likely little or no control, never knowing when the compressed emotions might explode into life-threatening exposure next.

With all this effort, relief is experienced by the victim in the revisiting of the traumatic events or circumstances, but the relief is not lasting. This fleeting sense of relief causes the victim to seek relief again by seeking opportunities to revisit the trauma yet again.

When victims come to the realization that even with all their efforts to reconcile their traumatic pasts are in vain and may cause more harm to themselves and others in the long run, that is when they seek out me or one of my contemporaries.

How to Help a Victim of Trauma

 

Because You Were Sexually Assaulted as a Child

Question: Why is my life so messed up? Answer: Because you were sexually assaulted as a child. When I started working in family counseling back in the day, the statistics indicated that one in four adults in the United States had been sexually molested in their youth. That was then.

Now, I believe those numbers were greatly understated. These crimes against young children were far more pervasive than the help and support industries ever imagined. Why the disparaging contrast in the numbers? Because, for far too long, this has been the most concealed life secret that has ever been kept, that is, until now.

These vile sexual abusers are most often known and trusted family members, friends of family, childcare providers, teachers, coaches, counselors, mentors, or clergy.

The adults who have persevered through life keeping this solemn secret of sexual child abuse are breaking through the barriers which have cost them greatly, but far more do not as they continue to keep the secret, even after the violator’s death.

No matter how fervently they deny it, refuse to mention or look at it, keeping it bottled up and buried deep inside, this crime by which they were victimized in their naïve youth finds ways to manifest itself.

What are the signs of child sexual abuse?

When you push down all the emotional impact of this childhood trauma and abuse, it manifests itself in many ways.

1. Social Inadequacy

Social suffering is common. Connections with other people are superficial and commonly not as deep or meaningful as they might have been. Relationships with family, friends, romantic relationships suffer due to this lack of connection, and inability to be open and honest (with others or one’s self).

2. School and Work Extremes

In school and work, extreme behavior shows up either as substandard (mostly) or extravagant high performance. They are often diagnosed as having autism, ADHD, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Bipolar, or other mental health disorders.

3. Addiction

They are attracted to addictions in an attempt to self-medicate or cope, to relieve some of the mental and physiological anguish and stress from burying these childhood tragedies.

4. Health Problems

How does childhood sexual abuse affect the health of the victim?

The longer the pressure builds from these deep, festering, inner wounds from being sexually victimized as a child are left unattended to, the more the poison spreads throughout the body, leading to deterioration, disease, and premature death.

Victims of child sexual abuse are more likely to suffer from high blood pressure, heart disease, cancer, obesity, diabetes, and are more likely to engage in various methods of self-harm, and

5. Suicidal Ideation

and are 17 times more likely to have suicidal tendencies than their non-sexually-assaulted peers.

The Biggest Secret is Lethal

The biggest secret of all time is killing our people, someone you know, or even you.

The statistics are vastly understated, and if you are harboring this secret, covering it up, or trying to just make it through life without ever looking at it, you know that the statistics are not even close.

You know because you know your statistics would never be known. You were determined to take the biggest secret of all time to the grave with you.

HOPE

If that is you, hopefully, you are rethinking your commitment to a life-long cover-up.

Every day you continue to let this crime of your youth continue to haunt you (even if you’ve convinced yourself that it is not or no big deal) the fact remains that you are allowing your victimizer to continue to harm you as your health and peace of mind continue to deteriorate.

Do not let this perpetrator take you out.

STOP

This abuse has gone on long enough. And it stops, right here. Right now.

You don’t have to confront or seek to punish the offender (unless he or she is currently potentially sexually abusing other victims). The most important part of healing from this offense is done within you. Seek out a competent counselor, coach, or therapist who can help you work through the process, and begin the process of healing from within.

This will give you the hope of having a potentially amazing life, full of joy, happiness, health, and longevity.

The Best News

And the best news is this; after you’ve done the work, or even in the midst of it, you can help reach out to others who are also dying from keeping the biggest secret of all time.

Together, we can stop this atrocity, and help to create a better world for our youth who are being sexually accosted at this very moment. It starts with you.

Stop the continued victimization and live a better life, your best life, and make the world a better place.

 

Holiday Family Blessing or Curse?

Then, there’s your family.

The holiday ideal starts off with the reverent honoring of those who have given a portion of their lives (all gave some, some gave all) on Veterans Day which falls on November 11th in the USA. Then either the most anticipated or dreaded family get-together comes along as the Thanksgiving celebration. It is generally at this time of year that families which have been separated throughout the year, get together.

This “celebration” could be either amazing or horribly grueling depending on the nature and dynamics of your family’s cohesion, strength, and honor.

Let’s face it, all families are dysfunctional, so just let that expectation go. It’s a fantasy if you expect anything else, and to do so sets you up for discouragement every time. So, if your family’s a little whacko. So what? Let it go and learn to enjoy, even love, your family’s diversity.

But some families are so terribly broken, that there is very little thread of familial connection, and family members have suffered greatly in what should have been the tender, caring hands or the family, but suffered tragic drama and trauma instead.

What about those who have no family? Maybe, everyone they know in their family has passed away, and they are here, all alone at this moment which represents the coming together of family. No one would blame that person for feeling a bit down, lonely, or depressed, while everyone else is celebrating.

Or maybe their family is alive but separated by too many miles, or even worse miles of bad roads traveled in life. Family members can suffer so incredibly these days, and the effects of a traumatic childhood can be life-long, and even end the lives of the suffering children prematurely through expression as physical illness, disease, or suicide.

If you haven’t suffered tragically under the watch of your parents or were left to fend for yourself in any way possible as a young child, you have no idea of how bad it could be.

How bad is it? Well, consider this: The fastest-growing age group of suicides committed every day is that of 10- to 14-year-old children. So, you tell me, “How is this affecting our kids?”

And if Thanksgiving wasn’t bad enough, what about the looming mother of all familial holidays?

Of course, I’m referring to Christmas, that joyous time of year when families get together and bond. What about that? What if you’re a single parent, or even a couple, struggling financially to raise kids. You’re working so hard just to make the ends meet, now they wanna throw some God-forsaken shopping-spree holiday on top of that?

What could possibly be worse?

I don’t know. Maybe if you lived through all those holidays, you might make it the new year, celebrating with your family with some hope of maybe having a better life next year?

What? No hope?

It’s no wonder these are the most popular holidays to commit suicide. Let’s take a look at them:

Too much drama and trauma will kill you, and if it doesn’t kill you, some people are determined to do it themselves.

But don’t you let them get away with it.

You’re not going to check out. You’re not going to give them the satisfaction.

You can be betrayed by your family so many times it makes you want to puke just to think about it. You’ve been stabbed in the back so often or abused in any number of other ways, it’s a miracle that you can even stand, but here you are.

You are here.

And you know you came here to do some serious work, and that work starts today.

When I was at my lowest and I thought I couldn’t take one more step, one more breath, I decided to do something radical to make a difference in the world, and in doing so, I made a huge difference in myself.

I discovered that one person could make a difference, and that’s exactly what I did.

That year, instead of committing suicide over the holidays I decided to send love to others who might be going through the same thing. And as I engaged in this meditative prayer exercise, every cell of my body began to awaken.

Enthusiastically, I increased the range of my endeavor and started sending love to the world. And since then, I’ve had thousands of people join me in sending love to the world, which if even in some small way does make the world a better place.

Rejecting Love

Some people just have no capacity for love. It’s not that they have no love in them because every one of us comes pre-filled with unlimited love, yet still, there are those who cannot accept love or even receive love because they have, to varying degrees, limited their inner love center or shut it down completely.

You recognize these people building virtual walls around themselves to keep people from getting in. They are highly guarded, defensive about love, keepers of secrets, and avoid connection through social interaction. Even a simple compliment is quickly discounted by these otherwise well-meaning people, who may be quick to respond aggressively or in anger as they reject the idea of being complimented.

At one moment, he or she can seem perfectly normal and suddenly they transform into someone else in a sort of Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde safety maneuver.

Our earliest experiences in life often dictate how you will respond to love throughout your life. It is highly likely that a person who rejects love did not grow up around a healthy love model in his or her young life.

In their tender, early years, those who reject love probably equated love with disappointment, rejection, and a barrage of other negative feelings which causes emotional pain and trauma triggered by even the thought of being vulnerable enough to give or receive love.

That’s why someone who has childhood trauma associated with love might react negatively or with hostility when approached with the idea of being loved as he or she sees love as a threat and may feel those same emotions tied to their unconscious childhood memories welling up inside them causing them to defensively reject an otherwise innocent loving gesture.

Those who are closest to them may find themselves being rejected, blamed for the way they are feeling or expressing themselves, accused of some imposed offense, or potential victims of abusive behavior when all they did was to offer caring love and support.

If you are one of those unfortunate recipients of an emotional upheaval, be aware that it has nothing to do with you. Only someone who is in a lot of suppressed emotional pain would respond to your love and affection that way.

Often these people are reacting to their life-long attempts to bury their negative feelings from childhood of loneliness, neglect, fear of abandonment, or abuse.

Their survival instinct kicks in as they subconsciously try to keep themselves from being hurt again, like they were in their youth, when someone they depended on, loved and trusted made them feel safe, loved and protected, only to found out that the people they love will let them down, betray, or hurt them.

There is also a conscious disconnect if someone feels as though they are unlovable, unworthy of being loved, or associates pain with love when someone else extends love to them. It’s like a short circuit happens in their brain, which challenges everything they “know” about life and their place in our society.

This feeling that being a victim of all the negative things which could happen when he or she is loved is triggered and this type of victimhood is very difficult to break-through.

A sense of mortality can present a problem with accepting love if they are obsessed with the idea of impending death. This can be triggered early in life when a loved one or a pet that was deeply loved suddenly dies. It could also happen later in life when an adult loses a loved-one unexpectedly.

These are the people who enter into a contract with their being to never love again so as to avoid the painful loss. They feel better about keeping close relationships at arm’s length or seeking a secluded life in isolation.

There are many other reasons which might find you face-to-face with someone who avoids or rejects love. In any case, those who are able to move on beyond their inclination to reject love are able to make a break-through by working with a coach, consultant, or counselor who can help them deal with the issues which threaten their ability to love and be loved.

And just as effectively, a love rejector can find their way by working through these issues and meet their inner child all on their own.

Even so, most importantly, when someone acts as though they are rejecting your love, know it is not about you, even if they blame you for their reaction. It is your responsibility to be compassionate and love them no matter what.

Do not try to fix them. Do not accuse them of being wrong or broken because they are not.

The object of your affection is only doing the best that he or she can with what they have.

Find new ways to love and support them which do not trigger his or her defense systems and love them unconditionally, if you dare.

God willing, one day he or she will awaken to true love and find a better way to love and be loved.

Love is all there is, everything else is an illusion.

See you at the Soulmate Wizardry event.

Forgiveness is the Key

You are the result of a lifetime of abuse and victimization from the sound of your first cry for life until today, you have survived and endured judgment, false accusations, injustice, betrayal, abuse, and trauma. It’s a wonder you’ve made it this far at all.

You are a bundle of emotional wounds and garbage you’ve collected over the course of your life, which explains a lot about who you are and how you respond to the world around you. After all, nobody knows better than you, that you’re the only person you can count on to look after you. This is your primary objective.

You surround yourself with emotional tripwires and landmines to protect yourself and you try to keep all those emotional wounds hidden and suppressed, which is the highest level of self-abuse. All that unresolved trauma compromises your immune system, promotes premature aging, makes you more prone to sickness and disease. If that weren’t enough, is also keeping you separated from all the best things in life.

The fortress you’ve built to protect yourself is nearly impenetrable. You might applaud yourself for doing such a good job of protecting yourself. From inside your fortress you feel safe but if you could see from a higher perspective, you could see you have sentenced yourself to a life in prison of your own making.

Forgiveness is the Key

Forgiveness is the key to unlock every level of containment you’ve subjected yourself to.

There’s no denying the multitude of transgressions you’ve endured. The wounds run so very deep. Your pain, fear, and the repressed anger from the grudges you maintain are weapons of those who hurt you in the first place. They continue to hurt and abuse you every moment that you harbor unforgiveness.

The first thought which you might consider would be to ask the question, “Why would I forgive someone for doing that to me?” and you might rather see them punished for what they did, but contemplating retribution is another way the victimizer continues to have power over his or her victim.

Not only are you a victim of your abuser but you subject yourself to continued self-abuse by second-guessing yourself, and feeling guilty, wondering how you could have let someone do that to you? Setting up emotional blockades and numbing your own emotions so that you can’t be hurt like that again.

Playing the part of the victim does offer you emotional support from others who might feel sorry for you, which helps to ease the pain, but it also cements your position in being continually victimized by your abuser.

Forgiveness Can Set You Free

Forgiveness starts with you. You must forgive yourself first. You are not responsible for any of the emotional pain you’ve endured. You never deserved to be disrespected, mistreated, or abused. You were innocent. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time, or maybe you suffered the abuse because you were strong enough to take it, like a shock absorber, sparing someone else who could not have survived the abuse.

You cannot control what other people do. You are only in control of your own life and forgiving yourself, absolving yourself from any sense of wrongdoing or deservedness is implicit.

Forgive Them

You are not required to face or confront your aggressor(s), all you need to do is to realize that these people were only doing the best they could with what they had at the time. Just as you were only doing the best you could with what you had at that time.

You might even offer up a little empathy, that had you lived that person’s life, you might have committed the same atrocities.

Forgive them. Forgiving them is not about them at all, it’s more about you forgiving them so that you can go on with your life without them continually exerting additional abuse to you over time.

Your forgiveness is complete, when you can look back at the episode without pain, guilt, or anger, and can truly hope that he or she finds his or her own way to claim a better life for themselves in love, without having to strike out at others anymore.

You can learn the lessons from your past without having to carry around all that emotional baggage. No need to seclude yourself deep within your fortress.

You can be free, and forgiveness is the key.

Related: Forgiveness Ain’t Easy, Let Go of Unforgiveness, True Forgiveness, Unforgiveness or Forgiveness

It’s Your Fault Mom and Dad

When any of us are working with a client, we will use any effective means necessary, whatever will achieve the greatest measurable results in the least amount of time possible. One such method is to blame one’s parents for the client’s current circumstance. While this may seem a disservice to parenting and could potentially drive a chasm between the child/parent bond, the results make it all worth it.

When someone is in crisis, helping them overcome their most difficult challenges can be tackled by having an anchor, a base from which to launch their new more empowered approach to starting over.

In childhood, we are all victimized, traumatized, and programmed to be fearful. We learn about injustice, how to lie, and how to represent ourselves as “a good person” to others, even if we know this person is not who we really are. Our dreams are crushed, and we let others tell us what we should believe, do, how we should act, what we’re allowed to feel.

If you parented a child, even though it was no fault of yours, you were an active participant in the reprogramming and socialization of your son(s) and/or daughters(s) and assisted into transforming innocent and empowered children of God into subservient taxpayers. You didn’t know any better, and you were only doing the best you could do at the time, having fallen victim to the same programming in your youth.

It’s been going on for thousands of years, and no one would fault you for how you raised your child/children, that is, until now.

Your son or daughter is reaching out for help, and help is here for him or her, but unfortunately, you are the key, possibly the sacrificial lamb, which will usher in a better life for your offspring.

Many parents, and even I, would gladly take a bullet to help any of my children have a better life.

If your son or daughter is reaching out for help, try not to take it personally, as you are blamed for your son or daughter’s sense of incongruency. This dichotomy between what your child was brought to this life to do, and the way you participated in robbing them of their highest and best, would drive anyone to the brink.

For thousands of years, very few have awakened to the knowledge of having a higher calling in life. In the past, the socialization of our children was an effective way of controlling humanity en masse. That is, until now.

Your child is awakening, and the truth is, it’s not their fault they are they way they are, it’s yours, not yours alone, because all of society supports this programming, but you were the closest person to them in those most formative years.

You were the first person to deny your child’s divinity and assist in his or her reprogramming.

Your son or daughter did suffer the consequences of your parenting. While you are to blame, you are not at fault. Following the assignment of guilt, comes forgiveness and the realization that had your son or daughter lived your life, he or she would have done the very same thing(s) to his own son or daughter.

Your son or daughter may need to focus on the errors of your parenting to get through this crisis. There may be anger and hurt feelings, and rather than defend yourself and complicate things by trying to justify the past, the most honorable approach you could take is to assert your good intentions and take the heat, in effect falling on your own sword, for the benefit of your child.

You’re defending yourself or justifying your actions will only hinder or delay your child’s healing and advancement. Love your child, and let him or her act out in any way necessary to get a grip and move on. Try not to take it personally, just love your child now more than ever.

In this way, you can be there more for your child than you have ever been in the past, if you humble yourself and love him or her more than ever before.

Also, know this, your influence in your child’s life, even with all the mistakes you may have made, and the things that you could have done better if given the chance, were all a specialized part of making your child more powerful than he or she could have been without you.

So, bless your child, and these things will be realized as he or she grows beyond this crisis.

In this moment, by sacrificing your ego and silently focusing on the needs of your child right now, this is your chance to make right all the wrongs and help your son or daughter achieve his or her highest and best, live a better life, and make the world a better place.

God bless you and all that you do.

Should You Be in Prison?

Should you be in prison? Statistics provide predictive clues about children who when subject to certain sets of variables will end up suffering a premature death, commit suicide, or end up living a life behind bars, possibly even death row.

Keeping in mind that people are not statistics, and there are always objections to the rules, there are certain situations of lifestyles which when you see a child having to succumb to these circumstances can turn nearly anyone into an armchair prognosticator.

With hindsight being 20/20, we can review the lives and lifestyles of adults who have been incarcerated, unexpectedly arrived in emergency rooms, or prematurely registered to mortuaries.

What you find, as you might have expected, is that many of these adults lived underprivileged lives in their youth. If a child’s life is impoverished, and lacking in many areas of life, such as strong parenting figures, positive support systems, and self-esteem, this increases the chances of having trouble later in life.

This is the stereotypical observation.

The data which you might find shocking is that many adults whose lives end prematurely, live lives either revolving through the legal system or spend life behind bars, were raised in families that were thought to be privileged.

Their families lived in nice homes, lived in better areas of town. Their homes had well-manicured lawns, with nice cars in the driveway. These kids wore designer clothes, went to the best schools, got good grades, and participated in sanctioned extracurricular school activities, were members of the Boy Scouts or Girl Scouts, and reached high levels of achievement in and outside the classrooms.

While there are hundreds of variables, some of the most common ones include

Lack of Positive Connection

Positive connection includes spending time commiserating with family and positive role models, not excluding positive human touch. A contemporary term respecting the aspects of positive connection is, “nurturing.”

Children who are denied being able to develop a positive connection with a parent or alternatively other supportive family members may find themselves short-changed as they grow into adulthood.

Connecting with your child takes time, which many successful parents have very little of when running the rat race and trying to keep up with the Joneses, so to speak. With many families depending on two incomes, there’s a good chance that there may be no one home when latchkey kids come home from school and learn to fend for themselves.

Touching is a key component in connection, without it babies die. Humans are designed to connect via positive skin-to-skin exchange. So, it’s not enough to be there, you need to be touching.

In contemporary society, the idea of touching a child probably sounded a warning alarm inside your head, because touching a child is bad. And this has set the alarms of many parents initiating a perceived panic and struggle with the idea of maintaining positive physical contact with their offspring (especially those of the opposite gender) to avoid possible misinterpretation or legal ramifications.

Many parents have found themselves trying to explain themselves in front of a judge or have even been incarcerated because someone accused them of inappropriateness in positive physical nurturing of a child.

That would strike fear into the heart of any law-abiding loving parent.

The child is left to pay the price for this lack of nurturing as they approach adulthood and continue to have to find ways to cope in a world that is out of control.

Even so, there are children who have faced the worst of circumstances in their early years, who come from the most modest, even severely abusive childhoods who become powerful members of society.

These are the unsung heroes.

If you knew the details of their childhoods, you might ask them, “Should you be in prison?”

Statistically, maybe so, but these people found the wherewithal to go against the odds, take charge of their own lives, and decided not to become a statistic.

If that’s you, I thank God for you and admire you for taking the high road to live a better life, your best life, and make the world a better place.

May God bless you and yours.

Reduce Conflict at Home

Isn’t it time to reduce conflict at home? Sometimes people just can’t seem to get along and this leads to a lot of conflict at home, work, school, among friends, and even while driving. When you get upset at something that someone else does, says, or communicates in some other way, you are likely to experience some degree of stress.

The greatest stressors will be initiated by those whom you know the best, the people within your family. While the family unit is no stranger to stress, if there are little witnesses to these active familial stressors, they will be affected the most. This is how children learn to interact with others, and this follows them into adulthood, even if they cannot consciously recall these events.

Even if the conflict does not engage the children directly, they are still being affected by these stressful situations. If you don’t believe me, just think back to familial conflicts which you witnessed when you were a child. How does that affect the way you handle stress and conflict today?

If you have children around watching your interactions with your family, you might consider taking a break or a timeout, the next time you feel tensions building. Maybe you can reason with the person you’re experiencing the conflict with and pick up the discussion at a different place and time. You might be surprised that delaying the discussion will allow you both to revisit the topic when emotions are not running as high.

This works for adults, adults interacting children, and among children as well.

This can have a tremendous effect on reducing the familial stress in relationships, also, it gives whoever might be inclined to do some deep inner work time to reflect on his or her own past to see if there are any hidden anchors from the past triggering the feelings which are being experienced in the moment.

If you are in a relationship with someone and are not able to manage taking a break or timeout, then you might consider seeking a relationship coach, counselor, consultant, or a member of the clergy, whatever appeals to you and seek assistance from a qualified third party, someone you can trust.

There are many techniques which can be applied to any type of relationship which will reduce both conflict and stress, and it’s up to you to check it out and take the appropriate steps to change your life. No one else is going to do it for you.

This is your life, and those whom you care about deserve not to be impaired by your lack of control, and left to itself unhindered by someone’s drawing explicit boundaries, not seeing eye to eye, or having different points of view, could turn into an abusive situation.

If ever, any relationship is visited by abuse, you have the right and the responsibility to stop the abuse. You are never required to fight back if there is abuse. Just take the steps necessary to isolate yourself from any further abuse.

This takes a great deal of courage and determination, but you can do it.

You have zero tolerance for abuse.