forgiveness

Prison Warden or the Love Warrior Choosing Love Over Control

When someone we love is making destructive choices, something interesting happens inside of us. Part of us wants to rescue. Part of us wants to reason. Part of us wants to fix. And if none of that works, another part quietly begins building a prison. Not always with steel bars. Sometimes with lectures. Sometimes with ultimatums. Sometimes with shame. Sometimes with silence. Sometimes with rules that quietly say, “Become who I think you should be… and then I’ll feel okay.”

I understand. I’ve been there. Watching someone you care about spiral is one of the most painful experiences a human being can endure. When love hurts, control begins looking like compassion. It rarely is.

Two Ends of the Spectrum

Human relationships exist across a wide spectrum. There are moments when immediate protection is necessary. If someone is violent, abusive, or placing others in danger, society has created systems designed to establish boundaries and accountability. Those systems have their place. But most of us aren’t judges. We’re parents. Friends. Spouses. Children. Co-workers. Neighbors. And in those relationships, another option exists. I call it becoming a Love Warrior.

The Love Warrior Leads with Love

A Love Warrior doesn’t pretend destructive behavior is healthy. A Love Warrior doesn’t excuse addiction. Or abuse. Or manipulation. Or dishonesty.

Love doesn’t become blind. It simply refuses to stop seeing the person beneath the behavior. That changes everything.

Instead of asking, “How do I make them stop?”

The Love Warrior begins asking, “What kind of pain could create behavior like this?”

That question changes the atmosphere. Not because it solves the problem. Because it changes the person asking it.

Walking Around in Their Shoes

Here’s an experiment. The next time someone disappoints you… Instead of saying, “I would never do that.” Try asking, “If I were behaving exactly like that… what might be happening inside me?”

Not because you’re right. Because you don’t know. And neither do I.

No one can fully know another person’s internal world.

We see behavior. We rarely see the emotional weather producing it. Fear. Loneliness. Shame. Trauma. Confusion. Exhaustion. Grief. Mental illness. Old wounds. Or perhaps something we’ve never experienced ourselves.

Curiosity opens doors that certainty quietly locks.

The Illusion of Intervention

Many interventions begin with beautiful intentions. “We’re doing this because we love you.” Sometimes they’re necessary. Often they’re not. Too frequently, they create temporary compliance while resentment quietly accumulates beneath the surface.

Pressure can change behavior. It rarely transforms the heart.

The person learns what everyone wants to hear. The performance improves. The relationship doesn’t.

Eventually, the pressure cooker finds a release. Usually with greater damage than before.

You cannot force someone into becoming themselves.

Sacred Space

One of the greatest gifts you can give another human being is sacred space. Not approval. Not agreement. Not enabling. Space.

Space to wrestle. Space to fail. Space to discover. Space to become responsible for their own life.

That can feel unbearable for the people standing nearby. Especially when we desperately want to help. But another person’s journey belongs to them. Not to us.

Boundaries Are Still Love

Choosing love does not mean abandoning wisdom. Love has boundaries.

You may need distance. You may need to protect your family. You may need to protect your finances. You may even need to say, “I love you deeply, but I cannot participate in this.”

Those aren’t contradictions. Those are healthy expressions of love.

Boundaries are not punishment. They are clarity.

A boundary protects both people. Control attempts to own both people.

There is a tremendous difference.

Will You Lose Them?

Maybe. That possibility hurts. Deeply. But remember something important.

You are responsible for your choices. They are responsible for theirs.

Loving someone does not make you responsible for becoming their conscience. Or their jailer. Or their rescuer.

Every one of us arrives carrying a different story. Different wounds. Different fears. Different lessons. Different timing.

We cannot legislate another person’s transformation. Growth is always an inside job.

Choosing Your Uniform

Every difficult relationship quietly asks us a question. Which uniform will you put on today? The Prison Warden? Or the Love Warrior?

One manages behavior. The other protects dignity. One relies primarily on fear. The other invests relentlessly in hope.

One asks, “How do I make them change?” The other wonders, “How can I become a safe place while they discover who they are?”

Not everyone will change. Some won’t. But everyone deserves to be seen as more than their worst day.

Love does not guarantee a happy ending. Neither does control. But love allows us to remain fully human while someone else finds their own path. And sometimes… that is the greatest gift we can possibly give.

Reframing Tools for Becoming a Love Warrior

When you notice your inner Prison Warden taking over, pause and try one of these instead.

1. Replace Judgment with Curiosity

Instead of: “What’s wrong with them?”

Ask: “What might be hurting inside them?”

1. Separate the Person from the Behavior

The behavior may be unhealthy.

The person still possesses dignity.

Hold both truths at the same time.

1. Try On Their Shoes

Ask: “If I were acting exactly like this… what experiences might have brought me here?”

Not to excuse. To understand.

1. Remember You Cannot Read Minds

Behavior is visible.

Motives rarely are.

Humility creates compassion.

1. Exchange Control for Influence

You cannot control another adult.

You can become someone whose presence is safe enough to influence them.

1. Protect Without Punishing

Healthy boundaries say, “This is what I need.”

Punishment says, “Now you’ll suffer.”

There is a world of difference.

1. Bless Instead of Fix

Sometimes the greatest prayer is, “May you find your own way.”

Not every battle belongs to you.

1. Let Reality Become the Teacher

Natural consequences often teach more effectively than lectures.

Resist interrupting every lesson life is offering.

1. Practice Sacred Waiting

Growth is rarely immediate.

Love learns patience.

Control demands schedules.

1. Ask Better Questions

Instead of, “How do I change them?”

Ask, “Who do I become while walking beside them?”

That question changes everything. Because the Love Warrior’s greatest victory is not controlling another person’s life. It is refusing to lose their own heart while loving someone through theirs.

What “Don’t Throw the Baby Out with the Bathwater” Really Is

One of my early ministry mentors, Brother Bryan, had a saying he repeated often. “Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.” At the time, I smiled politely. I understood the words, but I wasn’t sure I understood their weight. Years later, I think I finally do.

The old expression comes from a simple picture. After everyone in the household had bathed, the water was dirty. Really dirty. When it was finally time to dump the tub, you had one more job. Make sure the baby isn’t still in it.

The point wasn’t about bathing. It was about judgment. It was about remembering that something precious can be hidden among things that genuinely need to be discarded.

I think we’ve become remarkably skilled at doing the opposite.

Today, we often throw away the baby first.

- Someone hears that a priest abused a child. Suddenly, every priest becomes suspect.
- A teacher commits a terrible crime. Now every teacher must prove they are safe.
- A police officer acts dishonorably. Every officer wears the stain.
- A politician lies. Therefore, politicians can’t be trusted.
- A man betrays his wife. “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”
- Someone commits a felony. “They’ll always be a criminal.”
- One member of a race behaves badly. The entire race inherits the accusation.
- One immigrant.
- One business owner.
- One coach.
- One pastor.
- One doctor.
- One stepfather.
- One teenager.
- One generation.
- One denomination.
- One political party.

Our minds are astonishingly quick at taking one painful story and quietly attaching it to millions of people we’ve never met. Perhaps it’s because our brains are trying to protect us.

Patterns help us survive. If one berry made someone sick, avoid berries. If one cave held a bear, check caves carefully.

Those instincts served our ancestors well. But human beings are not berries.

People are not statistics. And they certainly are not headlines. The news has a difficult job. It reports what is unusual. Very few reporters stand outside a school to announce that every child arrived safely today.

No one interrupts your dinner because another hundred thousand fathers came home from work, hugged their children, and quietly loved their families.

Ordinary goodness is rarely spectacular enough to become breaking news. Extraordinary failure almost always is.

The problem isn’t that we hear about terrible things. The problem is that we begin believing terrible things are ordinary. And somewhere along the way, our curiosity quietly dies.

- We stop asking.
- We stop meeting individuals.
- We stop allowing people to surprise us.

Instead, we file them. Category. Label. Case closed.

Jesus seemed unusually unwilling to do that. He met people one person at a time.

- Tax collector.
- Roman soldier.
- Religious leader.
- Woman at the well.
- Fisherman.
- Leper.
- Thief.

He somehow managed to see the individual without pretending the problem didn’t exist.

That takes wisdom. It’s easy to condemn an entire group. It’s harder to remain curious. Curiosity isn’t naïve. Curiosity simply refuses to let someone else’s story become everyone else’s sentence.

- I’ve known remarkable pastors.
- I’ve known terrible pastors.
- I’ve known honest business owners.
- I’ve known dishonest ones.
- I’ve known people with criminal records who became among the safest, kindest human beings I’ve ever met.

I’ve also known people with spotless résumés who quietly destroyed lives.

Character doesn’t travel in packs. Neither does integrity.

Every human being deserves the dignity of being encountered before being categorized.

Brother Bryan was right. Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.

You may discover that the thing worth protecting was there all along. Perhaps the real baby isn’t the person you’re judging. Perhaps it’s your own ability to see people clearly. And that’s something worth protecting.

Everybody Lies | Now What Are You Going to Do About It?

Everybody lies. Some lies are tiny. Some are catastrophic. Some are told to protect others. Some are told to protect ourselves. Some are told because we are afraid of losing love, losing status, losing control, losing security, or losing the carefully constructed image we want the world to believe about us. And every once in a while, someone lies to you that you never expected would.

That one lands differently. Not because the lie itself was necessarily devastating, but because it woke you up. It shook your assumptions. It cracked open your illusion that certain people are somehow above human weakness.

Recently, someone I had known and respected for years lied to me. Not a stranger. Not someone I expected it from. Someone I trusted. And for a brief moment, it threw me for a loop. Not because I do not understand human behavior. I have worked in counseling, coaching, consulting, and personal transformation for a very long time. I know people lie. I know it intellectually. I know it professionally. But sometimes we forget emotionally.

We create little islands of certainty around people we love, admire, or trust. We quietly place them into categories where we no longer expect ordinary human behavior from them. Then one lie reminds us that every single person on this earth is still wrestling with fear, identity, survival, insecurity, shame, ego, and the desperate need to feel safe. Including us. That realization can harden you. Or it can deepen you. That is the crossroads.

Every Lie Is an Opportunity

One of the most valuable tools I have ever developed in my work with people is the willingness to allow space for dishonesty without immediately punishing it. That surprises some people. They expect confrontation. Exposure. Correction. Consequences. But I learned something a long time ago: People often lie before they feel safe enough to tell the truth. Especially in the beginning of a coaching or counseling relationship.

If something does not feel right, sound right, or line up with the facts, I simply make note of it. I do not necessarily attack it immediately. I observe it. I hold awareness around it. I allow the story to breathe. Then something interesting happens.

Over time, the fabricated version becomes exhausting to maintain. The contradictions begin stacking up. The emotional energy required to maintain the false identity becomes heavier and heavier. People start tangling themselves in the barbed wire of their own stories. One lie requires another. Then another. Then another. And eventually, if enough trust and safety exist, many people come clean on their own. Not because they were forced into submission. But because they became exhausted from carrying the weight of separation between who they are and who they pretend to be.

That moment is sacred. Not humiliating. Sacred. Because when a human being finally feels safe enough to be honest, something profound happens inside them. Relief enters the room. Their nervous system softens. Their breathing changes. The armor begins to fall away. And for many people, that may be one of the first moments in their lives they have ever truly felt accepted while being fully seen.

That changes people.

We live in a culture obsessed with justice, exposure, consequences, outrage, and public destruction. Catch the liar. Expose the liar. Punish the liar. Destroy the liar. But very little attention is given to understanding why people lie in the first place.

Fear. Shame. Trauma. Survival. Rejection. Embarrassment. Insecurity. Childhood conditioning. Loss of identity. Fear of abandonment.

Most people do not wake up in the morning plotting evil. Most people are simply terrified of losing something they believe they need in order to survive emotionally. Now, that does not mean accountability disappears. Far from it. Truth matters. Boundaries matter. Integrity matters. But accountability without love often creates better liars instead of transformed people.

Fear-based correction teaches concealment. Love-based awareness teaches integration. That is a very different path.

I was fortunate to grow up around ideas like: “I’m okay, you’re okay.” “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” “We are all doing the best we can with what we have.” Those ideas grounded me. Not because they excuse destructive behavior, but because they remind us that human beings are unfinished creatures trying to find their way through life while carrying invisible burdens.

When you approach people with compassion instead of immediate condemnation, something extraordinary becomes possible. Growth. Real growth. Not performative compliance. Not fear-driven obedience. Not temporary behavioral suppression. Actual transformation. And transformation almost never happens through humiliation. It happens through awareness. It happens when people discover truth inside themselves.

That is why I have never been overly interested in controlling clients through rigid systems, punishments, or demands. Yes, structure matters. Yes, accountability matters. But lasting change usually occurs when people arrive at their own realization.

When the light bulb turns on inside them. When they see themselves clearly for the first time. When they finally become tired of running from themselves. That moment cannot be forced. It can only be invited.

People sometimes ask me why I continue doing this work after all these years. The answer is simple. I live for the moment of epiphany. The moment a client suddenly sees the truth about themselves with complete clarity.

The moment the masks fall away. The moment they stop defending their pain and begin understanding it. The moment self-awareness replaces self-deception. That is the payoff for me. To sit in the room while another human being reconnects with themselves is one of the most sacred experiences I know. Not because I “fixed” them. I did not. They found themselves. I simply created enough safety, enough love, enough accountability, enough space, and enough patience for truth to emerge naturally. That is very different from forcing compliance.

So What Are You Going to Do About It?

When someone lies to you, you stand at a fork in the road. You can become cynical. Suspicious. Closed off. Controlling. Punitive. Emotionally armored. Or…

- - You can become wiser without becoming harder.
  - You can develop discernment without losing compassion.
  - You can learn to see human weakness without abandoning human love.

That is the challenge. Not to become naive. But not to become cold either. Because the truth is this:

Every single one of us has lied.
Every single one of us has hidden.
Every single one of us has protected an image.
Every single one of us has feared rejection.

And every single one of us longs to be loved beyond our imperfections. That realization changes the way you see people. Including yourself.

A Practical Guide:

Moving from Strict Accountability to Love-Based Growth

This does not mean becoming weak, passive, or enabling destructive behavior. It means learning how to create environments where transformation becomes possible.

1. Separate the Person from the Behavior

A lie is behavior.
It is not the entirety of the person.

When you attack identity instead of addressing behavior, people become defensive instead of reflective.

Say:
“That story doesn’t seem consistent.”

Instead of:
“You’re a liar.”

One invites awareness.
The other invites war.

1. Stay Calm When You Discover Dishonesty

Most people expect emotional punishment.

When you remain calm, observant, and grounded, it creates psychological space for truth to emerge later.

Overreaction often drives dishonesty deeper underground.

1. Observe Patterns Instead of Isolated Incidents

One contradiction may be confusion.
Repeated contradictions reveal deeper issues.

Notice:

- - - Emotional inconsistencies
    - Changing narratives
    - Avoidance patterns
    - Sudden defensiveness
    - Over-explaining
    - Excessive justifications

Observe without becoming consumed by suspicion.

1. Build Safety Before Demanding Vulnerability

People rarely tell the truth where they feel emotionally unsafe.

If someone believes honesty will lead only to shame, rejection, ridicule, or abandonment, concealment becomes survival.

Safety does not eliminate accountability.
It makes accountability productive.

1. Ask Questions Instead of Making Accusations

Questions open doors.

Accusations slam them shut.

Try:
“Help me understand something.”

Instead of:
“You’re obviously lying.”

Questions invite self-reflection.

1. Allow Natural Consequences Without Cruelty

Compassion does not mean removing all consequences.

Trust may need rebuilding.
Boundaries may need strengthening.
Access may need limitation.

But consequences delivered without hatred create opportunity for maturity instead of retaliation.

1. Recognize Your Own Capacity for Self-Deception

Humility changes everything.

When you understand your own imperfections, you stop approaching others from a throne of moral superiority.

That softens your delivery without weakening your standards.

1. Leave Room for Redemption

Many people become trapped inside the identity others assign to them.

When you leave room for people to evolve, they sometimes rise into that opportunity.

Not always.

But far more often than cynicism would have you believe.

1. Focus on Awakening, Not Winning

Winning arguments is easy.

Awakening consciousness is rare.

Ask yourself:
“Do I want revenge, or do I want healing?”

That question changes the entire interaction.

1. Become the Kind of Person Safe Enough for Truth

This may be the most important step of all.

People tell the truth around people who can handle truth.

Can you?

Can you hear difficult things without collapsing, exploding, condemning, or retaliating?

Can you remain loving while still remaining discerning?

That is emotional maturity.

And that level of love changes lives.

Including your own.

Freedom Beyond Forgiveness: Without the Need to Forgive Them

We’ve been told from pulpits, therapists’ couches, and self-help books that forgiveness is the golden key to healing. That in order to move forward, you must forgive. But what if that’s not the full truth? What if… You could actually enjoy life more without needing to forgive?

What If You Didn't Need to Forgive? — What If You Didn’t Need to Forgive?

Not out of spite. Not out of bitterness. But because you’ve simply moved beyond the need.

You see, there’s a lot of agendas wrapped up in the forgiveness movement. Some push forgiveness as a form of control, “Be a good person and just let it go.” Some push it to shame, “What kind of Christian are you if you still hold a grudge?” Some just want peace at any cost.

But forgiveness, in its truest form, doesn’t come from coercion or guilt. Forgiveness, real forgiveness, comes from a higher place. From the Divine. From God. It’s not something you do with your ego. It’s not an item you check off your spiritual to-do list.

It’s a state of being.

Jesus didn’t forgive because someone begged for it. He forgave from love. And more than that, He understood.

“Father, forgive them. They know not what they do.”

He didn’t wait for an apology. He didn’t demand remorse. He didn’t require payback. He saw from a higher viewpoint.

The Freedom Beyond Forgiveness

Here’s a radical thought:

Maybe you don’t need to forgive if you’ve already let go of the idea that you were ever personally wounded by someone who truly understood what they were doing.

Because they didn’t. Not really. No one wakes up and thinks, “How can I cause emotional damage today?” They act out of pain. Out of patterns. Out of programming. They react from fear, trauma, confusion. And while their actions may have hurt you deeply, the hurt only lingers when you personalize their pain as an intentional attack on you.

That’s the trap of superiority or selfishness.

Self-righteousness says, “I’m right, they’re wrong. I’m the victim, they’re the villain. I will hold onto this pain until they acknowledge what they’ve done.”

But the higher self, the part of you aligned with divine love, says,

“They were doing the best they could with what they had. And I don’t need to carry this story anymore.”

That’s not forgiveness. That’s transcendence.

The Higher Love Perspective in Action

Let me show you what this looks like in real life:

1. The Betrayed Wife

Susan’s husband cheated on her after 20 years of marriage. The betrayal burned her to the core. At first, she obsessed over revenge or public shaming. But one day, she stopped. She looked at him, not as a monster, but as a man lost in his own inadequacy. His affair wasn’t about her lack of worth, but his own.

She didn’t forgive him in the traditional sense. She just stopped needing anything from him. And that… set her free.

1. The Abandoned Son

Jon’s father walked out when he was six. For years, Jon carried a hole in his chest, waiting for his dad to come back and say, “I’m sorry.” It never happened. One day, in meditation, Jon imagined his father as a scared little boy being raised in a violent home, emotionally numb, terrified of responsibility.

Jon saw the trauma lineage. And something in him unclenched. He didn’t write a forgiveness letter. He just dropped the story.

Tips to Reach This Place of Peace

If you want to rise to this place, where forgiveness is unnecessary because judgment no longer sticks, try these steps:

1. Shift the Lens

Ask yourself:
“What might this person have been going through at the time?”
Try to imagine their wounds, not their words.

1. Release the Personalization

Say out loud:
“This wasn’t about me. It was about their own pain.”
Even if it felt personal, remind yourself: pain doesn’t aim, it spills.

1. Stop Waiting

Don’t wait for an apology. Don’t wait for justice. Don’t wait for a dramatic gesture to let go.
Freedom is not a transaction. It’s a choice.

1. Use Compassion as Your Weapon

Instead of rehearsing the offense, practice compassion. Picture them as a child, scared or broken, doing their best with what they had.
It doesn’t excuse them, it simply explains them.

1. Let the Offense Go Without Ceremony

You don’t need a ritual or a formal moment.
You just need the realization:
I no longer need this story to define me.

You Don’t Need Their Permission to Be Free

You don’t need to forgive to be healthy and whole. You just need to see, to truly see, from a higher perspective.

If you were to look through the eyes of Jesus, or the eyes of your soul, you’d realize:

- Everyone is broken.
- Everyone is scared.
- Everyone is healing something.

And when you finally get that? Forgiveness becomes irrelevant. You’re just free.

- Free to love.
- Free to live.
- Free to rise.

And you didn’t have to “forgive” a single person to get there.

You just gifted them the grace of the Father, and stopped carrying the weight that was never yours to begin with.

What Are the Three Levels of Forgiveness? Dare: Try Level 3!

Forgiveness is a multifaceted concept that profoundly influences our mental, physical, and spiritual well-being. It can be seen as a progressive journey through three levels, each offering deeper understanding and greater benefits. Let’s explore these levels of forgiveness and how they can enhance our lives.

Level 1: Standard Forgiveness

Standard forgiveness is the most common understanding of the term. It occurs when someone acknowledges being wronged and chooses to forgive the transgressor. This forgiveness often involves a conscious decision to let go of resentment and anger while attempting not to dwell on the transgression.

Benefits of Level 1 Forgiveness

- Mental Health: Letting go of grudges can reduce stress, anxiety, and depression, leading to improved mental health.
- Physical Health: Forgiving can lower blood pressure, improve heart health, and boost the immune system.
- Spiritual Health: This level of forgiveness often aligns with many spiritual teachings that promote compassion and empathy.

Level 1 Forgiveness Tips

- Acknowledge Your Feelings: Recognize and validate your emotions before attempting to forgive.
- Communicate: If possible, express your feelings to the person who wronged you, allowing them to understand the impact of their actions.
- Set Boundaries: Establish boundaries to protect yourself from future harm while maintaining the relationship if desired.

Level 2: Understanding the Transgressor

The second level of forgiveness involves shifting focus from yourself to the transgressor, seeking to understand why they acted as they did. This perspective emphasizes empathy and attempts to view the situation from the transgressor’s viewpoint.

Benefits of Level 2 Forgiveness

- Mental Health: Understanding others reduces feelings of anger and resentment, promoting peace of mind.
- Physical Health: Empathy and compassion have been shown to release oxytocin, a hormone that reduces stress and promotes healing.
- Spiritual Health: This level encourages spiritual growth by cultivating greater empathy and compassion.

Level 2 Forgiveness Tips

- Practice Empathy: Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and consider their life experiences and motivations.
- Reflect on Their Journey: Recognize that everyone is influenced by their unique circumstances, which can lead to hurtful actions.
- Let Go of Control: Understand that you cannot change others, only your perception and response to them.

Level 3: Transcendence of Forgiveness

The third and most profound level of forgiveness involves recognizing that no transgression has occurred. This perspective acknowledges that people act based on their own experiences and capacities, and their actions are not personal attacks.

Benefits of Level 3 Forgiveness

- Mental Health: This level eliminates resentment entirely, leading to deep inner peace and emotional freedom.
- Physical Health: Absence of stress and anger improves overall health and longevity.
- Spiritual Health: This transcendent understanding fosters a profound connection to the universe, promoting acceptance and love for all beings.

Tips for Level 3 Forgiveness

- Cultivate Mindfulness: Practice being present and detached from judgment, allowing you to see situations more clearly.
- Embrace Imperfection: Accept that everyone is doing their best with the resources and knowledge available to them.
- Develop Compassion: Focus on loving-kindness and the shared human experience, seeing the divine in others.

If someone desires forgiveness beyond level 3, that is far beyond my pay grade.

Forgiveness is a journey that can profoundly impact our well-being. While progressing through these levels, we cultivate greater understanding, compassion, and peace. Whether choosing to forgive, seeking to understand, or transcending forgiveness altogether, each level offers unique benefits that enhance our mental, physical, and spiritual health. We can foster a more harmonious and loving world by embracing these perspectives.

Choosing Compassion Over Forgiveness: A Shift in Perspective

In a world often fixated on the act of forgiveness, it’s time to consider a higher vibrational alternative: love and compassion. Forgiveness implies a power dynamic where one person seeks pardon from another. But what if we sought understanding and empathy instead of seeking forgiveness?

Consider this scenario: You unintentionally hurt someone, and they are upset with you. The weight of their disappointment bears down on you, and you feel remorse. But does this make you a bad person? No. You’re simply navigating life, doing the best you can with what you have. In times like this, you do not want forgiveness but understanding.

The hurt individual may lack insight into your circumstances, the complexities of your emotions, or the intent behind your actions. They judge you without a complete picture of yourself or what you’ve endured. Is it fair for them to hold this judgment over you and demand forgiveness?

On top of that, the concept of forgiveness often carries religious connotations, with the idea that only God can grant absolution. If forgiveness is reserved for the divine, why do we expect it from fellow human beings? Isn’t it more compassionate to extend understanding and love?

Compassion is the key. It involves stepping into another’s shoes, seeing the world through their eyes, and recognizing their humanity. Instead of asserting superiority and demanding forgiveness, we can choose to empathize and seek understanding.

So, how can we practice compassion in situations where forgiveness is typically sought?

Empathize: Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Consider what might have led them to behave the way they did. Understanding their perspective can foster empathy and connection.
Communicate: Engage in open and honest dialogue. Share your feelings without blame or judgment, and encourage others to do the same. Clear communication bridges the gap between misunderstanding and reconciliation.
Reflect: Take time to reflect on the situation and your own emotions. Are there underlying issues or triggers that contributed to the conflict? Self-awareness is essential for personal growth and fostering healthier relationships.
Practice Self-Compassion: Remember to be gentle with yourself as you extend compassion to others. Recognize that mistakes are part of the human experience, and forgive yourself for any unintentional harm you may have caused.
Seek Solutions, Not Blame: Instead of dwelling on past grievances, focus on finding constructive solutions to prevent similar misunderstandings in the future. Collaborate with the other person to create a path forward built on mutual respect and understanding.
Avoid Judging Others: Recognize that just as you desire understanding and empathy, others do too. Refrain from passing judgment, as you wouldn’t want to be judged yourself. Embrace a mindset of acceptance and compassion towards all.
Live and Let Live: Embrace the understanding that we are all imperfect beings striving to navigate the complexities of life. Extend compassion not only to those around you but also to yourself. Acceptance of each other’s differences and acknowledging that we’re all doing the best we can with what we have fosters harmony and unity.

In conclusion, while forgiveness has its place, embracing compassion can lead to deeper connections and healing. By choosing understanding over judgment, we can foster empathy, build stronger relationships, and create a more compassionate world for all. Remember, we’re all in this together, striving to live and let live as we navigate life’s journey.

Forgive First, Seek Reparation Later, if you must

You were violated, betrayed, or someone has committed some transgression against you, your family member, neighbor, community, the law, or government, and they must seek forgiveness, then you or someone else will determine what price they must pay for their betrayal or transgression.

Forgiveness is a complex subject to address due to the wide variety of complications spread throughout the landscape that make up forgiveness. There are two levels of forgiveness. There is forgiveness from the creator or God and forgiveness among us earthly inhabitants.

When we examine forgiveness from a spiritual perspective, one cannot help but see how the whole concept gets muddied up by religious perspectives, and there are many. Since my history stems from a basic foundation of Christianity, I have a particular vein that I follow. However, as a coach and counselor, I consider all perspectives universally valid.

Even so, religions, especially Christian-founded religions, could find better ways to manage forgiveness among their followers. I find myself in the process of trying to mitigate the damages caused to followers by religious individuals and their organizations, who have been deeply wounded and suffer accordingly. Imbued with this perspective, a more enlightened person could approach this idea of forgiveness differently.

Unfortunately, religion, in general, is all about separation. You see this all the time; for example, we religious folks are good at saying, “We are better than them,” and, “They are not like us,” therefore, “They are bad and should not be associated with,” or deserve some worse fate.

Regarding forgiveness, the religiously-inclined like to control the methods of forgiveness. The Christians inherited this from their forefathers, those of the Jewish persuasion who were very big on maintaining separation, accusing others outside of the fold of being unworthy, and managing who would be entitled to forgiveness and what prescription would be required for redemption.

Interestingly, I don’t see any of this exemplified in the love of Jesus mindset. In the mindset of the love of Jesus, forgiveness is central. Jesus exemplified forgiveness through his teachings and actions, emphasizing mercy, compassion, and grace. Offering it freely without having to be asked for it or to do anything in return for it. If we could embrace forgiveness following the model outlined in Jesus’ example, it would look more like,

Given Freely and Unconditionally

Jesus forgave without conditions, showing that forgiveness should be extended even when it’s not deserved.

Given Selflessly

Jesus forgave despite personal pain or injustice, teaching us to prioritize reconciliation and love over resentment.

Offered Repetitiously, Without Penance for Failure

Jesus taught the importance of forgiving others not just once but repeatedly without requiring penalty for missing the mark, illustrating the endurance and depth of forgiveness.

Freely Given Regardless of Transgression

As an example of a radically extreme type of love, Jesus’ forgiveness went beyond societal norms, challenging us to love and forgive even those who harm us.

A Gateway to Transformation

Jesus believed in the power of forgiveness to bring about change and healing, both for the forgiven and the forgiver.

Overall, Jesus’ model of forgiveness encourages us to embody compassion, extend grace, and seek reconciliation in our relationships, reflecting the boundless love of God.

Today, Forgiveness Has a Different Face

Present-day forgiveness is rooted in justice and fairness, where forgiveness is a response to foster repentance or restitution. It’s often transactional, requiring the offender to take responsibility and make amends before forgiveness is extended. This mode of forgiveness is a strict part of traditional religion and is also represented in steps 8 and 9 of the 12-step programs, such as Alcoholics Anonymous.

Jesus’ Contrasting Forgiveness

The forgiveness of Jesus contrasts modern approaches to forgiveness and is grounded in unconditional love and grace. This is to say that forgiveness flows from a place of compassion and mercy in the love of Jesus mindset. It’s not contingent on the actions or attitudes of the offender but is freely given out of a desire for reconciliation and restoration.

Could Our Churches Learn from the Love of Jesus Mindset?

What if our churches could learn to grasp the concept of the love of Jesus mindset and forgiveness? How do you think the world would respond to a church that conducted itself like Jesus did, rather than the religious establishment of His day that He desired to distinguish His ministry apart from? Unconditional love and forgiveness would have a differential impact on unbelievers, with an inclusive approach rather than an exclusive one.

The love of Jesus mindset creates a unique approach to forgiveness, challenging the notion that forgiveness must be earned or requested, inviting us to emulate his example by extending grace even when it’s undeserved. This approach emphasizes the transformative power of love and forgiveness to heal relationships and cultivate a spirit of healing and reconciliation.

Forgiveness and Judgment

To forgive or not to forgive, should not be the question. If Jesus or God is who They say They are, then They are the only ones with the right to truly exercise frue forgiveness and judgment. But we are taught to forgive others for their wrongs against us. In this case, forgiveness is for the forgiver to feel better about the wrongness they feel about the one they feel has wronged them.

What if the person who acted wrongly, offended, betrayed, or otherwise made you feel victimized didn’t actually do anything malicious to you? What then?

For instance, I live in the Pacific Northwest where we enjoy a certain amount of natural wildlife with which we share the environment. I heard a story that a cougar had been spotted lurking around a predominant neighborhood in an upscale community nearby. Radio and media alerted the city that a cougar had been spotted and to take special precautions.

Around this time, a mother playing with her young son in the fenced yard went inside to move the laundry from the washer to the dryer. When she returned, the boy was gone. There was blood on the grass, and it appeared that the cat had followed its natural instincts.

The community gunned up, hunted down the cougar, and ascertained that the cougar was the culprit. A truly tragic story.

But who was wrong? Obviously not the child who was an innocent victim. The mother? The cougar?

Certainly, the mother and the neighbors assumed the cougar was wrong. But the cougar is a cougar. Yes, no doubt it was a tragedy, but that’s what cougars do. No, they don’t usually go around attacking children, but they do prey on living food, the easier the food is to get, the quicker they satisfy their hunger.

Not unlike your pet cat. If your pet cat sees a mouse, it is fair game, it can be fun or food or both fun and food. A wounded bird is even better.

In the case of the cougar and the child? It is easy to jump to the conclusion that the cougar is the offender, and the neighbors were the judge and jury, as they took matters into their own hands. Justice, as it were, was served. The cougar paid the price for its sins with its life.

The mother may someday wonder if she should forgive the cougar, or pray to Jesus or God that the sinning cougar is forgiven. But did the cougar sin?

No. The cougar just did what cougars do, what they were born to do. Did the cougar extend its practices beyond reasonable boundaries? Yes. Doing so may have put the cougar at additional risk, for which the cougar did pay the price.

But the cougar was just a cougar.

So it is, when someone commits a crime, possibly any crime. If the perpetrator is a cougar, could they have done anything else besides commit said crime? Maybe not. May he or she be just a cougar? It’s all they instinctively know to do. They have a hunger or a yearning to do something, and they do whatever they need to do to satisfy it. Just like the cougar.

If I have been offended by someone, another person, and I feel victimized, did that offender purposely intend to hurt me, or was he or she just doing the only thing they knew how to tend to themselves?

Are these offenders just doing the best they can with what they have?

I know I’m not perfect. I’ve hurt people’s feelings while in the act of doing the best I could with what I had. I didn’t even know that I was hurting anyone. Yet here it is. I can clearly see now in retrospect, that I did inadvertently offend someone in a manner that had never occurred to me while I was about the business of doing the best I could with what I had.

Should I Ask for Forgiveness?

If I am aware of my transgression, yes. I feel an obligation to appeal to that person and ask him or her for forgiveness, even if I was unaware of my transgression when it occurred because I never intended to do that. And I am ashamed of myself for not being more aware that someone else might have been hurt in my doing the best I could with what I had.

Should I Expect Someone Else to Ask Me for Forgiveness?

There was a time when I felt that would be appropriate when I thought that if someone hurt me in some way that I was owed an apology, or begged for my forgiveness for their sin. Later, I realized that forgiveness was a God issue, and not a “me” issue. So, I let go of that expectation.

I might still like an apology, but I wouldn’t expect it. Especially if the offender was a cougar.

Anyone Could be a Cougar

What if the person who offended or victimized me was a cougar? A cougar could take almost any shape or human form. A drug dealer, addict, drunk driver, lawyer, judge, doctor, neighbor, friend, spouse, sibling, or priest.

Anyone could be a cougar. Just doing the best they can with what they have. Nonetheless, a cougar. Even me. And like the cougar, if I offend the wrong person at the wrong place and time, I too may have to pay the price for doing so.

Superiority of Judgment

Yet, we feel so superior that we would expect to have the right to be asked for forgiveness and feel as though we have the right and power to offer such forgiveness. So, we judge them, until they have paid the price for offending us.

Then I am reminded of a Jesus story about a woman who had been accused of adultery. The self-righteous Pharisees were standing around her with a fistful of rocks ready to execute their brand of justice when Jesus interrupted them.

Let He Who Is Without Sin Cast the First Stone

Were the Pharisees authorized to execute this action in John 8? Were they following Jewish law? Pretty much (though there were some concerns that possibly they may not have had all their ducks in a row at the time the punishment was to be delivered by the law. Certainly, all the players did not appear to be present as the law may have suggested).

Did the Pharisees have hidden sins? Apparently. When Jesus challenged them, they drops their rocks and walked away.

Were the Pharisees cougars?

Jesus did not condemn her and simply told her to go and sin no more. Maybe she was a cougar. She was the only person that Jesus told to change her life, and I think that was because she was in so much trouble with the overseers that they intended to kill her for her misdeeds, and maybe He might not be there on her behalf, the next time. Like the advice I might give to a repeat offender, especially in my state where we have a three-strikes rule.

In Matthew 7, Jesus says not to judge lest we be judged, and if we judge someone harshly, we will be judged likewise. Then he asks how can you help a brother with a splinter in his eye when your own eye is blocked by lumber?

Good point. Right?

I like Jesus’ examples because He loved many people and had a heart for those who were less fortunate, most likely unworthy, and of questionable character, and His influence on their lives was undeniable.

The price of sin is death (ultimately) but Jesus by His death and resurrection was the sacrifice by which we all have forgiveness for our transgressions, and claim the right to life more meaningful and long-lasting (eternal) than any of us might have been entitled to otherwise.

When we judge and are so self-righteous to think we are authorized to do so, are we not nullifying the words of Jesus or the perfection of His work on the cross?

These days, I would not run to usurp His authority.

Is it polite to forgive? Yes. Would it be nice if someone apologized or asked for forgiveness? Yes.

Should we expect or demand it?

From a cougar?

In this respect, forgiveness may be required by people who may not understand the divinity of all things, though being willing to let go and let God work out the details, especially if someone is a cougar, may lead to the higher road to travel through this life.

After all, aren’t we all just doing the best we can with what we have?

Something to think about…

Forgiveness is the Key

You are the result of a lifetime of abuse and victimization from the sound of your first cry for life until today, you have survived and endured judgment, false accusations, injustice, betrayal, abuse, and trauma. It’s a wonder you’ve made it this far at all.

You are a bundle of emotional wounds and garbage you’ve collected over the course of your life, which explains a lot about who you are and how you respond to the world around you. After all, nobody knows better than you, that you’re the only person you can count on to look after you. This is your primary objective.

You surround yourself with emotional tripwires and landmines to protect yourself and you try to keep all those emotional wounds hidden and suppressed, which is the highest level of self-abuse. All that unresolved trauma compromises your immune system, promotes premature aging, makes you more prone to sickness and disease. If that weren’t enough, is also keeping you separated from all the best things in life.

The fortress you’ve built to protect yourself is nearly impenetrable. You might applaud yourself for doing such a good job of protecting yourself. From inside your fortress you feel safe but if you could see from a higher perspective, you could see you have sentenced yourself to a life in prison of your own making.

Forgiveness is the Key

Forgiveness is the key to unlock every level of containment you’ve subjected yourself to.

There’s no denying the multitude of transgressions you’ve endured. The wounds run so very deep. Your pain, fear, and the repressed anger from the grudges you maintain are weapons of those who hurt you in the first place. They continue to hurt and abuse you every moment that you harbor unforgiveness.

The first thought which you might consider would be to ask the question, “Why would I forgive someone for doing that to me?” and you might rather see them punished for what they did, but contemplating retribution is another way the victimizer continues to have power over his or her victim.

Not only are you a victim of your abuser but you subject yourself to continued self-abuse by second-guessing yourself, and feeling guilty, wondering how you could have let someone do that to you? Setting up emotional blockades and numbing your own emotions so that you can’t be hurt like that again.

Playing the part of the victim does offer you emotional support from others who might feel sorry for you, which helps to ease the pain, but it also cements your position in being continually victimized by your abuser.

Forgiveness Can Set You Free

Forgiveness starts with you. You must forgive yourself first. You are not responsible for any of the emotional pain you’ve endured. You never deserved to be disrespected, mistreated, or abused. You were innocent. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time, or maybe you suffered the abuse because you were strong enough to take it, like a shock absorber, sparing someone else who could not have survived the abuse.

You cannot control what other people do. You are only in control of your own life and forgiving yourself, absolving yourself from any sense of wrongdoing or deservedness is implicit.

Forgive Them

You are not required to face or confront your aggressor(s), all you need to do is to realize that these people were only doing the best they could with what they had at the time. Just as you were only doing the best you could with what you had at that time.

You might even offer up a little empathy, that had you lived that person’s life, you might have committed the same atrocities.

Forgive them. Forgiving them is not about them at all, it’s more about you forgiving them so that you can go on with your life without them continually exerting additional abuse to you over time.

Your forgiveness is complete, when you can look back at the episode without pain, guilt, or anger, and can truly hope that he or she finds his or her own way to claim a better life for themselves in love, without having to strike out at others anymore.

You can learn the lessons from your past without having to carry around all that emotional baggage. No need to seclude yourself deep within your fortress.

You can be free, and forgiveness is the key.

Unintentionally Hurt Someone

Sometimes things are said, decisions are made, actions are initiated that help you to create the sacred space you need to progress forward on your life’s mission. Life goes on, and periodically, we unintentionally hurt someone by our decisions or actions, and this is no fault of yours.

You’ve been true to yourself and said or done the things which were necessary for your survival or growth, and you never have to apologize for doing what is right for you in any moment because your responsibility is to care for yourself. If you do not look after yourself, who will?

And if you think about it, you’ve probably been hurt by someone else unintentionally.

When you become aware of how your decisions, words, or deeds have affected someone negatively your inner self can start to put you down or make you feel guilty. Guilt does not serve you, but if you can switch the mode from guilt (which is destructive) to remorse all you must do is to learn from this experience, forgive yourself, and move on.

To do so, realize that you are not broken, are not in need of fixing, and accept that sometimes shit happens. Don’t listen to or accept abuse from your inner voice, you are perfect in every way, even if you do make mistakes, or if someone is hurt unintentionally by anything you said or did.

You didn’t do anything wrong and you are not a bad person. There was no malice in your action because you are a being of love and wouldn’t do anything intentionally to hurt anyone. Even if someone else sees something that you’ve said, thought, or done as “bad” you are not bad, and that was clearly not your intention. Things happen, and it is what it is. That is all.

Seek to speak to someone empathetic to your plight. Their understanding and support can help to reduce the negative energetic impact of this particularly confusing state of mind. You might attract someone who can lend you a different perspective on the issue enabling you to see the situation from a different point of view. All valuable data to take away from this episode adding to your knowledge base and increased awareness. Something to keep in mind if you face a similar situation in the future.

Sometimes your personal network will give you the support you desire, and it never hurts to engage the efforts of a third-party counselor, consultant, or coach for a sound aerial perspective and objective view.

If your inner critical voice is running amok, you might want to have a talk with yourself and consider more confident self-talk.

Remaining open-minded rather than closed-minded will allow you to look for clues to uncover the hidden treasure(s) in this seemingly unfortunate episode of your life, for within each conflict there is a valuable lesson to be learned if you are open.

If your seeking within to find rhyme or reason in an effort to make sense of all this comes up blank, think of you from your higher perspective watching the whole scenario from a higher vantage point. Then ask yourself for advice. What advice might you give yourself, or someone you cared deeply about, who might have found himself or herself in the very same situation?

If you still think you don’t know, how would you answer if you did know?

You must find the wherewithal to forgive yourself for unintentional casualties of your decisions. Unforgiveness and allowing yourself to suffer in guilt is self-abuse, destructive, and will cause your immune system to deteriorate rapidly.

Forgiving yourself allows you to go forward in love, more aware, achieving your highest and best, continuing on your path to a better life, your best life, and make the world a better place.

God bless you. You are forgiven.