I Can Believe Whatever I Want to Believe

One of my favorite one-liners is, “I can believe whatever I want to believe.” That will stop any coach, consultant, or counselor right in their tracks. Some people have these weapons that they wield whenever they feel like they might be feeling challenged beyond their ability.

We work so hard to encourage our clients to reach new heights in their relationships, businesses, and lives, but there is a point where the client is just done reaching for new plateaus. They get to a point where their desire to grow and change is too far beyond their willingness to push through and continue the journey.

You, if you are the coach or therapist, must let go of your expectations. For us in the business, the excitement that comes with accompanying someone on an explosively exciting journey onward and upward is often the fuel that inspires us to do what we do. I know that it is for me, that’s why I only work with the movers and shakers.

I love being nearby or even in the room when someone reaches a breakthrough or epiphany. Seeing people grow and change, go through that metamorphosis from where they were when I first started working with them, then seeing them in the fullness of their capabilities, and being with them step for step along the way, that is the blessing beneath the work that I do.

What does someone mean, when they say, “I can believe whatever I want to believe?”

That means that in your communication and encouragement to look at things from a different perspective you have reached a stage that has gone well beyond the ability of the client to comprehend and they offer up the phrase, “I can believe whatever I want to believe,” in a sense to stop the bus from going any further.

It can also be a refusal to even look at something that might challenge their current rationalization, which gives them a feeling of comfort and security, or it may be more deeply rooted in their belief system or dogma.

In any case, your client has drawn a line in the sand that is not to be crossed, at least, for now.

This is your client’s journey and he or she has every right to direct his or her own path, even if you might see trouble ahead if he or she chooses “this” over “that.”

What can you do?

Of course, you should continue to present the ideas of alternative choices and what the future could hold given different decisions and actions.

You may tell your client about the experiences of other clients who may have chosen “this” over “that.” Third-party reference material may be available that you can refer him or her to.

We encourage always having an open mind, and you too must maintain open-mindedness with your clients at all times, remembering this is their journey, and you must ever tell them what to do. The responsibility for their decisions lies solely on themselves and it is your job to support them and see them face the challenges they may face as they take responsibility for themselves.

So, when someone tells you, “I can believe whatever I want to believe,” know that you’ve reached an impasse and back off your approach, and have your client restate his or her limitations, and work within those boundaries, but don’t stop offering other perspectives or ideas that may encourage them to take a moment and think outside the box.

Besides, that’s what we do best. Right?

And it is the “looking outside the box” that leads to those most valuable life-changing moments.

I Tried to Be What You Wanted Me to Be I Just Couldn’t Do It

You’re a love and relationship counselor and it’s obvious that this couple is having challenges. They are clearly not seeing eye to eye and you’re doing what you can to help them communicate more clearly, then she says, “I tried to be what you wanted me to be, I just couldn’t do it.”

This is one of those one-liners that just brings everything to a halt. When one of the partners says, “I tried to be what you wanted me to be, I just couldn’t do it,” this is a clear indication that the partnership is over because it takes two to make a couple. This participant has clearly stopped wanting to be a part of this couple anymore.

Is this an indication that the relationship is over? As a couples’ coach, you probably already know that when one or more of the participants in a relationship say, “It’s over,” or, “I’m done,” hope for a bright future still remains. I mean, they are in your office. Right? What does that tell you? There is work that can be done. Just because they have reached an impasse does not mean that this challenge is fatal.

It helps to know which phase they are in the 7 Phases of Love to help predict how much hope there is for the couple who faces this particular circumstance, where it appears that a great deal of effort was put forth in an attempt to please the other partner, but the this particular partner has reached the conclusion that further work to become the person that the other partner desired was beyond her reach.

I Tried

The insistence that she “tried” indicates that they were probably not that good of a match at the outset of this coupling in the first place.

Blame it on Mother Nature

To her credit, maybe there was a deep attraction to this person, and she did desire to enter into a longstanding love relationship, maybe even to go as far as to commit and marry this person. Often at the beginning of a relationship desire and hormones take over and we find ourselves, victim, to Mother Nature’s love trap. All she (Mother Nature) wants is for matting to ensue because she wants babies.

So, we have this programming that turns off all rationale so that copulation can prevail. Mother Nature really doesn’t care about families, she just wants babies.

This appears to be one of those relationships, where the intimacy shared in those early moments was good enough for this couple to have the hope of a longstanding relationship, so they married (but did not have any babies).

To Be What You Wanted Me to Be

It wasn’t long before the wife discovered that she and her new husband wanted completely different things out of life. She decided, early on, that she would make concessions, compromising her own desires and beliefs, to accommodate his. This was a valiant effort and she was supported in doing so by family and friends.

At first, the concessions, were not that big of a deal, but after time, it began to annoy her, but she persisted, continuing to sacrifice her own wants, needs, and desires for his, for the greater good of the relationship.

I Just Couldn’t Do It

The “I just couldn’t do it,” means that this partner has reverted in some way to her previous self, as she was prior to his relationship, which she feels is not conducive and is not an appropriate state of affairs to sustain any possible future as a couple.

The last time I heard this, unbeknownst to the husband, his wife was a prostitute. Also, not known at the time the statement was made by her, “I tried to be what you wanted me to be, I just couldn’t do it,” she had returned to her previous profession as a full-on sex worker, while he was at work, or when she was away visiting family.

In this circumstance, she was right, and this did lead to the end of the relationship, but that does not always mean that it is “the end.” We all have seen relationships recover from what appeared to be impossible odds.

That’s why we who are in the business proclaim that “Love conquers all.” Even if it means that it rarely conquers because we are mere mortals and unconditional love seems too far off a possibility for most of us, nonetheless, even if in the rarest of circumstances,

Love conquers all.

 

Helping someone who hasn’t asked for it

I know you like to help people. You see someone struggling and you want to lend a hand to offer them support so they can have a better life. This is all good and shows you have a servant’s heart.

It’s a tough row to hoe when you’re helping someone who hasn’t asked for it.

The key is to be gentle when dealing with someone who hasn’t really asked for your help. You cannot assume where they are in their life’s journey and you cannot know what’s going on inside someone else’s head or heart.

You cannot want something more for someone else than they want it for themselves.

Just be humble and offer him or her a choice. As you are encouraging others, try to remain empathetic and let them know you’d like to have them as a part of your circle of friends, and let them opt in or out. Let it be their choice.

You can’t really help someone who doesn’t want your help.

Letting your inner love-guidance system lead you, invite them to play with you in your world. You could invite them to share a meal or attend an event with you, and see how they do.

You hear many stories of personal metamorphosis which started with someone taking notice of them and inviting them along to experience something new. All they need was that little nudge to engage more fully in the spectrum of life.

A person might reject your initial invitation because they have low-self esteem or is not feeling up-to-par or lacking in self-confidence. So, it might be a good idea to walk away after the first rejection but give him or her another opportunity or two.

If you can find out why they don’t want to join you, maybe you can address that issue, then move on. Otherwise, don’t make them feel as though you are pressuring them.

You can help them by offering helpful comments about your observations of their social interactions if they are open to it, remembering to be gentle and kind as you do so.

The best way to give someone advice is to model the behavior yourself, like, “Watch me. See how I do it.” Let them observe you, then encourage them, “Now, you try it.”

In social situations, you can do the heavy lifting by setting up introductions for them, like,”Hey, this is my friend Jason. He’s an expert in repurposing technology. He’s amazing at taking old tech and turning it into something amazing. Don’t you have some old technology collecting dust?” Then, let them take it from there, as you continue to mingle elsewhere.

If you notice him or her struggling, don’t rush to their rescue. Just make a note of it for review later, in private. You are not coddling anybody, just giving him or her an opportunity to find their own way.

Be careful not to criticize but offer support humbly. You can lightheartedly mention that maybe next time, he check for toilet paper attached to his shoe before he leaves the restroom, without intimidating.

If you’re going to confront them on a bigger issue, like, let’s say she is a Debbie Downer, you might have to do a little more coaching on the many ways they can have more positive interactions with others in social settings.

Always remember, no one is broken or wrong. Everyone is just doing the best they can with what they have. You can offer assistance if they are willing to do their part along the way.

If they are not willing to participate with you in kind, then bless them as they make their own way. You may not be the best match to assist them or maybe this is just not a good time for them.

God bless you for reaching out, the world is a better place because of you.

Helping the Socially Inept

You’ve been supportive and non-threatening to the awkward socially impaired “ugly duckling” in the corner and after the passage of time, the social quack-hack reaches out to you and asks for help with their social awkwardness. What’s the best way to go about helping the socially inept?

Understand that it has taken a great amount of courage on his or her part to reach out to you, the last thing you should do is to overwhelm him or her with your enthusiastic outburst and overbearing excitement of being invited to change this duck into a “beautiful swan.” Too much enthusiasm may cause them to recoil and prevent them from reaching out to you again.

They realize they are socially inept and don’t need you to over-emphasize how awkward they are. Proceed with empath and compassion by trying to put yourself in his or her shoes. It’s taken a lot for him or her to feel like he or she could trust you with their uncomfortableness. Try not to chase them away.

Don’t overwhelm him or her by trying to suggest too many changes in rapid succession. This may cause him or her to recoil and send him or her back to his or her safe place. Go ahead at a slow pace, and do not make him or her feel like there’s so much to do that he or she will feel like a lost cause. Suggest only one or two things at a time, pause, and let him or her have time to adjust then ask if they might be interested in trying something else?

If he or she does not embrace your ideas or advice, don’t take it personally. Just try to be understanding of his or her plight and be supportive. It may just take a little more time for him or her to adjust to the idea of trying something new.

Let’s say, this person has a long history of fashion crisis and he or she has reached out to you for advice. In your enthusiastic desire to help you take this fashion-crime-scene to a trendy fashion outlet for a full-blown makeover. The idea of it sounds so incredible, but it might just be too much for him or her to acclimate to. Starting with shoes and a top might be a better starting point, then inviting him or her to do it again, someday, when he or she is ready.

This is the same approach you would use for any social awkwardness, such as mingling at a party. Don’t expect him or her to introduce himself or herself to a room full of strangers. Instead, encourage him or her to meet one or two new people and learn as much as he or she can about those two people in a few minutes. Let them go at their own pace, applauding them for their success, and inviting them to try again when they are ready.

Also, keep in mind, you should not be the only resource for the socially inept person. You can be massively helpful by referring him or her to resources which he or she can study in private, such as book, magazines, websites, youtube videos, etc…

Invite them to check out the resources you’ve provided, inviting them to check back with you, when they would like to discuss his or her findings.

Try not to hold expectations of how enthusiastically they should embrace your advice and give them the space they need to go at their own pace. Then you can humbly pat yourself on the back for helping to make the world a better place.

All and Nothing Therapy

Having studied and taught a variety of therapeutic modalities and working in the field of therapeutic science for years it is not uncommon for counselors, coaches and consultants to maintain a tool box full of these methodologies. While we may have been trained in a particular method, you might find the resulting techniques practiced by each individual varies in their method of delivering the specific techniques, as each practitioner develops their own unique style, based on their own prowess of all the therapeutic tools.

Lately, in a round table session with many therapists, I was able to query over a dozen practitioners who all admitted they had created their own version of strict methods they studied. Only two of them insisted they felt compelled to follow the exact modality as trained, in order to be authorized to add them by name to their menu of services offered.

In this group setting, I referred to this idea as, “All and Nothing Therapy,” as a contrast to the phrase commonly used as, “All or nothing.” It seemed to be an adequate title, at least for the conversation at hand, to describe the idea that most of us had created our own methods based on our specific training which honored the specific therapeutic model but had evolved in individual practice to only be closely related to the original version. And in most cases, the consensus seemed to be, that the evolved version was a combination of other previously learned therapeutic modalities.

So, if you’re going to see me, or any of my contemporaries, be forewarned, you’re going to have a life-changing experience unlike you will get anywhere else. That said, what are some of the things that we deal with on a regular basis? Well, we all agree that we’re in the paradigm shifting business, which is the broad stroke definition of what we do, while we all specialize. My specialty has evolved through many different focus groups from love, marriage, relationships and spiritual growth to business, with my current client list looking mostly like enlightened businesspeople at the moment.

It’s not that they are enlightened about their businesses so much, as they are entrepreneurs on a spiritual journey of enlightenment, while they are pursuing their businesses as an outlet of their spiritual growth, and supporting their (metaphoric) travel expenses along their journey. And there is a growing trend as I am seeing more and more spiritually inclined entrepreneurs expressing their message, skills and gifts, as an outpouring through their businesses or ministries.

One of the common issues they need to overcome include eliminating empowering others to slow their roll, or to get them worked up and over-reactive to series of words spoken by people who appear to be determined to pull them to lower energetic vibrations.

Think about it, if someone can say words to you that cause you to be offended, hurt your feelings or make you want to either fight or flee, this is not a reflection of the state of the person speaking the words. This is a clear indication that you have been predictably programmed by society to respond to those words in a specific manner and you fall for it every time. The mere fact that you respond to those words negatively, qualifies you to be a predictably manageable member of our society.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

With a little help of my friends, you can listen to someone’s litany of disrespecting or vile words and not be affected negatively. While we all may approach this challenge differently, with a little intervention, and a bit of skill, you can be emotionally bullet proof.

So, if you’re finding yourself being sensitive to what other people think or say about you, get some help. Seek out a counselor, coach or consultant who can take you through a metamorphic process that will have you thinking differently about the things that other people say, because the truth is,

People who judge others, are only expressing their own inner struggle and pain

There is no reason to take it personally, when someone is acting out because they are amidst so much inner turmoil or pain. This might be the only way they know how to relieve some of the pressure of their life. You might even think about how you are blessed to be the method for them to relieve some of this pent up frustration of pressure. Someone else may have really been deeply hurt by this person’s outburst.

You can take charge of this area of your life and/or any other part(s) of your life by embarking on your journey of empowering self improvement by learning how to be successful with personal development, if you’re so inclined.

Seek out a counselor, coach or consultant to be your accountability partner you resonate with and start kicking ass and taking names. Get in touch with who you really are, in tune with your life’s purpose and sharing your unique message, skills and gifts, because a better life is waiting for you.

If your life has been going on… and it seems pretty much the same ol’ same ol’, maybe it’s time to embrace your uniqueness and live a better life, your best life, and make the world a better place.

 

Expectation Imposition

You can try to impose your expectations on another person, but is this really advisable?

I know, I’ve been there, too

I have been in the flow of helping others in counseling, coaching and consulting since high school. In the beginning my work was focused primarily on Christian counseling and I recognized that if it wasn’t impossible to legislate Christian conduct, it would certainly be immoral to attempt to do so. It resonated as true within my sense of being that a person could only conduct their lives in such a way as was congruent with any sense of rationality they could muster based on the individual lives they had lived up to this point in time, or simply put

Everyone is doing the best they can with what they have

counselor coach consultant training counselors coaches consultants

Yet early in my ministry, I kept running into walls and posturing against leadership promoting the idea that certain ideas and expectations should be enforced in order to allow participation in our program. After attempting to find ways to work-around these organized spiritual obstacles unsuccessfully, I determined more secular spiritual endeavors would better suit my ministry.

I mean, really? It appears to me that Jesus had an entirely more radical approach, like, “Love God, mind your own business and don’t screw anybody over” (admittedly, a Masters’ paraphrase, but you get the idea).

As I continued assisting others and later transitioned into training counselors, coaches and consultants, I continued to promulgate the idea that while trying to assist someone along their life’s journey, we should not impose our expectations on the client.

It’s not your life

You can, yeah but, me ‘til you’re blue in the face. I will never concede that you will ever know what’s best for another person. You may have your ideas, and by all means, it is your charge and responsibility to share your ideas, as well as others, to help your client see there are options they might have not considered.

Allow them to make their own way

You must allow them the space to make their own decisions and take their own actions and live out their own lives in their own way.

I have standards

Great; no problem with establishing a target market around the type of individuals you achieve the best results with. You only have a certain number of hours available to help others, it is prudent for you to establish your niche so you can better serve your clients with the resources you have available.

You cannot – and should not – try to be everything to everyone. This will lead to disappointment, discouragement and burnout (the fate of most non-specializing counselors).

If I can see that a client is not a good match for my coaching style, I do not demand they comply with my standards. Instead, I refer them to someone else who is better suited to help them with where they are on their life’s journey. Maybe, at a later date, we will be more compatible.

The easiest sign to identify a novice counselor, coach or consultant, is when he or she says, “I told them what to do and they wouldn’t do it,” with a certain degree of angst. While a more-seasoned professional might say, “I made some suggestions. In my opinion, they did not select the option I might have selected but c’est la vie.”

When someone doesn’t take advice from you and you’ve encouraged him or her to look at all the possible outcomes from various points of view, you might consider applauding them for blazing their own trail, then just sit back and see how their decision works out for them. You might be surprised (as I have been on many occasions) how well things do work out for them, even though you might not have fared as well.

And if things don’t work out for them as well as they’d hoped, for god’s sake do not tell them, “I told you so.” Instead, put yourself in their shoes; how would you feel if you were him or her? A little humility goes a long way. It is not your job to judge, but to empathetically support the client; not to validate your ego-dominated superiority.

Lighten up – Let it be

The Right Coach for You

I work with many coaches and therapists and actively engage in training and certification of coaches and consultants. In my work with many coaches and consultants, what I’ve found is that no two practitioners are the same.

The right kind of life coach counselor therapist consultant for you

This is the beauty of the landscape filled with those assisting others with a myriad of issues and circumstances in life and business. In a perfect world, you would be able to find the perfect match for a coach, counselor or consultant with the tools necessary to maximize the time spent with your specialist.

Successful practitioners are constantly honing their skills and expanding their areas of expertise in an effort to better serve their target clientele. I have close to 40 certifications under my belt and instruct 18 therapeutic science modalities.

When someone comes in to work with me, it is of primary importance that together we discern whether this is a good match before we pursue our work together. Depending on your needs and what we both bring to the table, I might refer you to another coach whom is better equipped or specializes in a particular area.

We all have different areas of expertise, and our practices tend to morph and change over time. For instance, areas of specialization that were predominant in my practice years ago are now better handled by others whose practices focus on those target areas.

You might be thinking, what about all those previous areas of specialization? (Especially, if you worked with me previously in an area that is no longer on the menu of services covered in my current practice.) Of course, I am grateful that you sought me out, am happy to see you again and proud of your progress and accomplishments, but I must be true to my current calling and focus and to you and yours. So in your best interest, I will refer you to another associate.

All this to say, if you’re seeking a professional to team up with in your local geographic area, chances are there is someone keenly suited for your needs, requirements and/or circumstance. Which implies that it’ll behoove you to seek out someone who is just right for you.

Just as you come into the office with a certain set of skills, you want to make sure that your needs are commensurate to the skills that your coach, counselor or consultant has command of or access to.

It might be a good idea to know what type of coach you are looking for, nonetheless, a good coach will be able to help you determine and locate an appropriate type of coach. Coaches can specialize in areas of life, life skills, spiritual, family, parenting, relationships, dating, health, wellness, fitness, personal performance, professional development, career, business, leadership and executive (secret weapon) coaching just to name a few (of over a hundred).

Coaches may also have practices that include alternative therapeutic modals, like NLP, EFT, hypnotherapy, etc…

In your initial intake consultation, you should be able to ascertain whether this is a good match for you. If not, there is a good chance that your practitioner can refer you to someone better suited for you.