Tag: couples

I Tried to Be What You Wanted Me to Be I Just Couldn’t Do It

You’re a love and relationship counselor and it’s obvious that this couple is having challenges. They are clearly not seeing eye to eye and you’re doing what you can to help them communicate more clearly, then she says, “I tried to be what you wanted me to be, I just couldn’t do it.”

This is one of those one-liners that just brings everything to a halt. When one of the partners says, “I tried to be what you wanted me to be, I just couldn’t do it,” this is a clear indication that the partnership is over because it takes two to make a couple. This participant has clearly stopped wanting to be a part of this couple anymore.

Is this an indication that the relationship is over? As a couples’ coach, you probably already know that when one or more of the participants in a relationship say, “It’s over,” or, “I’m done,” hope for a bright future still remains. I mean, they are in your office. Right? What does that tell you? There is work that can be done. Just because they have reached an impasse does not mean that this challenge is fatal.

It helps to know which phase they are in the 7 Phases of Love to help predict how much hope there is for the couple who faces this particular circumstance, where it appears that a great deal of effort was put forth in an attempt to please the other partner, but the this particular partner has reached the conclusion that further work to become the person that the other partner desired was beyond her reach.

I Tried

The insistence that she “tried” indicates that they were probably not that good of a match at the outset of this coupling in the first place.

Blame it on Mother Nature

To her credit, maybe there was a deep attraction to this person, and she did desire to enter into a longstanding love relationship, maybe even to go as far as to commit and marry this person. Often at the beginning of a relationship desire and hormones take over and we find ourselves, victim, to Mother Nature’s love trap. All she (Mother Nature) wants is for matting to ensue because she wants babies.

So, we have this programming that turns off all rationale so that copulation can prevail. Mother Nature really doesn’t care about families, she just wants babies.

This appears to be one of those relationships, where the intimacy shared in those early moments was good enough for this couple to have the hope of a longstanding relationship, so they married (but did not have any babies).

To Be What You Wanted Me to Be

It wasn’t long before the wife discovered that she and her new husband wanted completely different things out of life. She decided, early on, that she would make concessions, compromising her own desires and beliefs, to accommodate his. This was a valiant effort and she was supported in doing so by family and friends.

At first, the concessions, were not that big of a deal, but after time, it began to annoy her, but she persisted, continuing to sacrifice her own wants, needs, and desires for his, for the greater good of the relationship.

I Just Couldn’t Do It

The “I just couldn’t do it,” means that this partner has reverted in some way to her previous self, as she was prior to his relationship, which she feels is not conducive and is not an appropriate state of affairs to sustain any possible future as a couple.

The last time I heard this, unbeknownst to the husband, his wife was a prostitute. Also, not known at the time the statement was made by her, “I tried to be what you wanted me to be, I just couldn’t do it,” she had returned to her previous profession as a full-on sex worker, while he was at work, or when she was away visiting family.

In this circumstance, she was right, and this did lead to the end of the relationship, but that does not always mean that it is “the end.” We all have seen relationships recover from what appeared to be impossible odds.

That’s why we who are in the business proclaim that “Love conquers all.” Even if it means that it rarely conquers because we are mere mortals and unconditional love seems too far off a possibility for most of us, nonetheless, even if in the rarest of circumstances,

Love conquers all.

 

All We Need is Love

You are taking your love relationship to the next level, and you’re convinced that, “All we need is love,” but you’re going to need more than love to truly bond with each other in this critical phase which moves you to the most meaningful of romantic relationships. You’re willing to say to your partner, “I love all of you,” and mean it with all your heart, and if your partner loves you just as much, how do you grow together even deeper? Is it possible to, in a sense, become one flesh? Can you break the boundaries of a normal relationship and potentially become more connected than other couples?

 

You’re ready to take your love relationship to a whole new level, and you know, as a couple all we need is love. Not the sophomoric, “All You Need is Love”, like the Beatles promoted, or the immature, “We don’t need money, we can live on love,” that parents have heard from their children who have fallen head over heels in love. <sarcasm>Yes, two can live on love… half as long.</sarcasm> Young love can easily forsake the responsibility and reason which should also accompany true love as well, and just let their emotions run rampant.

Not to be confused with young love, you know you’re ready for something more meaningful. You can see love all around you and you’re willing to let go and love with all your heart. You’re willing to set aside your pride and let the protective walls fall down, as you reveal your true self to your partner in unguarded openness, and brutal honesty, tempered by compassion.

This is a two-way street. Don’t even think you can survive this kind of relationship, if your partner is not reciprocating. You do need to proceed with caution when taking your relationship to this deeper more mature phase of love.

Why?

If you really want to make a go of this and move into greater relationship, it takes two, baby, and if you’re partner is onboard, it is possible to entertain the idea of unconditional love.

Unconditional love sounds good at first blush, because it’s what we all want. But when we’re challenged with the idea of giving it, that is a completely different proposition.

Unconditional love means I love you no matter what. You know that’s how you want to be loved. I want you to love me no matter what. Regardless of what I do or say, I want you to love and respect me anyway, because I am just doing the best I can. My intentions are good, and I would never intentionally do anything to compromise our relationship.

And it’s easy to see this from your perspective, but when your partner feels this say, you are suspicious, your feelings are easily hurt, you take it personally, get upset, and accuse your partner of disrespecting you and the relationship that you share.

This is love, but it is not unconditional love.

This is that immature, “I love you if,” kind of love. I love you if you do this, I love you if you don’t do that. But to love someone unconditionally, means, “I love you no matter what you say. No matter what you do.”

When most people hear that initially, they recoil and burst out with a resounding, “Oh, hell no!”

Because you feel like you’ve dome that before. You loved. You let your guard down. You trusted your partner, and where did that get you? Likely you were hurt, betrayed, you suffered and your heart was broken.

But the desire for true love still lingers within the recess of your heart, longing for something more deep and meaningful, a soul-to-soul heart-to-heart connection with that special someone.

If you think you’re ready, you might consider attending an Awakening to True Love Workshop, which represents that kind of love that surpasses Hollywood’s love, or any other type of love that you might have experienced in the past.

Be forewarned, this expanded type of love is not for the weak. In fact, when you emerge on the other side of this workshop, you will be an entirely new you, ready to take on love and the world in an entirely, more empowered way, full of happy expectation and pure love.

 

Soulmate Wizardry

SOULMATE WIZARDRY

 

October 5th, 2019, Olympia Center

Admittance: FREE

FREE EVENT. All welcome – singles, couples, and married – to a cluster of presentations focused on finding and keeping the love of your life.

Schedule of events:

Worldly Love vs Awakened Love

9:00 a.m.

Class Description: Marriage counselors make bank trying to help you save your marriage, family therapists, love and relationship coaches are desperately helping couples to navigate the 7 phases of love, all in the hopes of promoting sustainable love relationships. Beyond the struggle and drama of worldly love is an awakened love which empowers a romantic couple to experience healthy love with their spiritual soulmate as they find themselves awakening to true love.

Instructor: David M Masters

Love & Your Life’s Purpose

9:45 a.m.

Class Description: So many people make this huge mistake when attracting and keeping the love of their life! They forget that where the romance ends, life begins. Soulmates can’t connect unless you’ve found your “life’s purpose,” but once you have the results can be miraculous. Whether you call it working on yourself, “inner game,” or just plain good sense, I’ll show you the three essential steps you need to take to earn that chance at happiness.

Instructor: Daniel Mark Schwartz

Date Yourself First

10:30 a.m.

Class Description: Learn to love yourself so you can allow your soul mate into your heart. If you can’t love yourself how can someone else love you? We will explore ways to fall in love with the most important YOU!

Instructor: Wendy Lynn Johnson

Finding & Nurturing the Love of Your Life

11:15 p.m.

Class Description: 50+ years in relationships and deep transformational work has taught Mark and Lynetta what really works in Soulmate-Level Relationships. In this introduction to Soulmate Wizardry, You will create a clear image of the type of aligned partner you want, learn the right places to meet your beloved and 3 key practices for nurturing the relationship.

Instructors: Mark Siedler & Lynetta Avery

 

Event Location: Olympia Center, Rm 200, 222 Columbia St NW, Olympia, WA 98501

Brought to you by St. Paul’s Free University and Mark and Lynetta.com

This event qualifies for Continuing Education Units (CEU) for SPFU Alumni.

Relationship Repeat Offender

Your partner has done it again, and here you are finding yourself caught up in yet another round of the same ol’ thing that you got in an argument the last time. You ask yourself, why are we always fighting over the same old thing(s)? What can you do about your relationship repeat offender?

Here you are again, standing your ground and willing to risk all over this issue that keeps on coming up and simply will not go away. It’s as if your partner refuses to listen, or doesn’t care about your feelings at all, which makes you even more upset, angry, or outraged.

If you can think back to when you were a child, you will probably remember your parents arguing over some of the same issues over and over again, too. Generally, this is where you learn how to act in relationships, and even if you’ve vowed never to be in a relationship like your mom and dad, here you are.

You don’t do it on purpose, but subconsciously, you’ve set your relationship the same way, because it “feels like home.” I know, it’s bizarre, but it’s perfectly normal.

Pattern Interrupt

Once you realize this, though, you can choose to approach the relationship repeat offender scenario differently. When you see this issue coming up and feel your anxiety building, you can remember what it was like watching your parents and choose a different tactic.

What if in your recollection of your parents’ recurring argument, if you could go back in time and play the part of either of your parents, how could you have done it better? This may give you an idea of what you might try differently in the present.

Taking this momentary reflective pause gives you a chance to apply a new approach to the scenario as an alternative to just launching into your normal responsive reaction when you’re triggered (and you already know what to expect from that), thereby interrupting the old pattern.

When you try a different approach, you open up a world of possibilities for a different outcome, a better result from your previous style of approaching this issue. Everything is not always black and white, and you’d be surprised how much closer you and your partner could be if you throw in a dash of tolerance or compromise into the mix.

If your first line of defense is to post up and ready for battle (or flee) this is learned behavior which you have embraced as a survival skill, but really, you are far better than that. In every relationship, there needs to be a degree of openness, honesty, and vulnerability.

By taking a different approach and allowing other possibilities, you may have eliminated the relationship repeat offender altogether. You have the power to do this.

If you really want to grow in love and compassion in your relationship, you must be willing to lay down your sword and shield, be present and stay in the game. If your normal response is to withdraw or leave the room, stay and play it out. This is your life we’re talking about.

I know you’ve probably heard it before, something like,

You have to love yourself
before you can truly love anyone else.

As ridiculous as it might sound, it’s true. If you’re constantly looking for acceptance or approval from your mate, you will be periodically (or continually) fighting for validation. If you are full of love for yourself, you don’t need validation as much from your partner, or anyone else for that matter. Sure, it’s nice when you are recognized, complimented, or even applauded, but you don’t need it because you are in such a good, loving space regarding yourself.

This also changes the way you view disrespect from your partner (or anyone else for that matter). If someone disses you, and you have a healthy love for yourself, you can simply shrug it off as no big deal, and have compassion for whoever verbally assaulted you, because you realize they are acting out of their own discontent and you can have compassion for them, for they are only doing the best they can with what they have (as are you).

Love yourself. And the next time you get triggered and feel a battle coming on, put down your weapons, stay in the game, take a breath and ask yourself, “How could I do this better?” Then, try something different.

See what happens when you allow infinitely new possibilities to unfold in the loving space you chose to inhabit and share with your partner.