understanding someone else | David M Masters

What Are the Three Levels of Forgiveness? Dare: Try Level 3!

Forgiveness is a multifaceted concept that profoundly influences our mental, physical, and spiritual well-being. It can be seen as a progressive journey through three levels, each offering deeper understanding and greater benefits. Let’s explore these levels of forgiveness and how they can enhance our lives.

Level 1: Standard Forgiveness

Standard forgiveness is the most common understanding of the term. It occurs when someone acknowledges being wronged and chooses to forgive the transgressor. This forgiveness often involves a conscious decision to let go of resentment and anger while attempting not to dwell on the transgression.

Benefits of Level 1 Forgiveness

- Mental Health: Letting go of grudges can reduce stress, anxiety, and depression, leading to improved mental health.
- Physical Health: Forgiving can lower blood pressure, improve heart health, and boost the immune system.
- Spiritual Health: This level of forgiveness often aligns with many spiritual teachings that promote compassion and empathy.

Level 1 Forgiveness Tips

- Acknowledge Your Feelings: Recognize and validate your emotions before attempting to forgive.
- Communicate: If possible, express your feelings to the person who wronged you, allowing them to understand the impact of their actions.
- Set Boundaries: Establish boundaries to protect yourself from future harm while maintaining the relationship if desired.

Level 2: Understanding the Transgressor

The second level of forgiveness involves shifting focus from yourself to the transgressor, seeking to understand why they acted as they did. This perspective emphasizes empathy and attempts to view the situation from the transgressor’s viewpoint.

Benefits of Level 2 Forgiveness

- Mental Health: Understanding others reduces feelings of anger and resentment, promoting peace of mind.
- Physical Health: Empathy and compassion have been shown to release oxytocin, a hormone that reduces stress and promotes healing.
- Spiritual Health: This level encourages spiritual growth by cultivating greater empathy and compassion.

Level 2 Forgiveness Tips

- Practice Empathy: Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and consider their life experiences and motivations.
- Reflect on Their Journey: Recognize that everyone is influenced by their unique circumstances, which can lead to hurtful actions.
- Let Go of Control: Understand that you cannot change others, only your perception and response to them.

Level 3: Transcendence of Forgiveness

The third and most profound level of forgiveness involves recognizing that no transgression has occurred. This perspective acknowledges that people act based on their own experiences and capacities, and their actions are not personal attacks.

Benefits of Level 3 Forgiveness

- Mental Health: This level eliminates resentment entirely, leading to deep inner peace and emotional freedom.
- Physical Health: Absence of stress and anger improves overall health and longevity.
- Spiritual Health: This transcendent understanding fosters a profound connection to the universe, promoting acceptance and love for all beings.

Tips for Level 3 Forgiveness

- Cultivate Mindfulness: Practice being present and detached from judgment, allowing you to see situations more clearly.
- Embrace Imperfection: Accept that everyone is doing their best with the resources and knowledge available to them.
- Develop Compassion: Focus on loving-kindness and the shared human experience, seeing the divine in others.

If someone desires forgiveness beyond level 3, that is far beyond my pay grade.

Forgiveness is a journey that can profoundly impact our well-being. While progressing through these levels, we cultivate greater understanding, compassion, and peace. Whether choosing to forgive, seeking to understand, or transcending forgiveness altogether, each level offers unique benefits that enhance our mental, physical, and spiritual health. We can foster a more harmonious and loving world by embracing these perspectives.

Empathic Understanding

Connection via empathetic understanding is the real connection between two people and is the most endearing act of love and honor which one can present to another. This connection is the most meaningful part of any relationship. You know it. You remember when you’ve felt it. When your friend finishes your sentences, when you’ve had a strong bond with a teacher or mentor, you felt connected, understood.

You know this. Yet, surprisingly, I see a lack of empathetic understanding as the underlying indicator of trouble ahead in the most important relationships, between lovers. Maybe you felt a connected and/or understood in the beginning (though that was likely a more powerful driving force than connection) but after a while, you realize that the connection you felt was simply you projecting your desire to be connected and understood onto your partner.

When you’re in the projection mode, you see everything interpreted through your special lens which is rose-colored and sees synchronicity in all things. Following the passing of time, things that used to be “cute” are becoming annoying, and you’re no longer feeling as though you are connected or understood, as you once thought you were.

When you’re projecting your feelings onto your interpretation of another person, you feel as though they are feeling your feelings, even when no such connection exists.

It is this feeling of another’s feelings that Stephen Covey refers to as his, “Habit number 5: Seek first to understand then to be understood” in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. This is the connection which exemplifies the highest integrity and connection between two people, whether used in business relationships, or more importantly, at home. It is a powerful connection which promotes and deepens respect, trust, and intimacy.

This simple method of joining the worlds of two people into a united vision felt by two is the secret of the most successful relationships. Sometimes it just happens organically, and the two people don’t even know they are doing it. For the rest of us, we need to first understand the concept before we can even think about attempting such a thing. And it’s on you to proactively take the first step.

Understanding is not giving advice, being over-protective, or fixing things for another person. Empathetic understanding is simply the process of actively listening, inviting them to dig deeper, and even more deeply, until they have gotten it all out, while you are using your imagination to feel what it might be like to be in that other person’s shoes, empathizing with him or her.

Empathetic Understanding

If you’re unaccustomed to this higher level of listening, it may take some practice. Creating a safe and sacred atmosphere can be an important component when someone is sharing something close to their heart, so eliminating distractors, such as the TV, music playing in the background, or retreating to a place where more privacy can be established are excellent ways to honor your partner’s sharing.

Nodding your head and looking them in the eye indicates you’re listening, while you are resisting your inclination to interrupt or interject when they are sharing. Let them speak their piece and listen carefully. When they pause, simply try to restate what they just said in your own words, starting with, “Let me see if I get what you’re saying…”

Then ask them if there’s anything more they’d like to say about that? And let them continue. Repeat this as many times as necessary, until they’ve announced that’s all they have to say.

Rather than give in to the urge to counsel or help him or her fix something your partner is concerned about, after first imagining what he or she might be feeling, feeling it as though you were feeling them yourself, offer up validation of your partner’s feelings. Something like, “Wow, you must have felt devastated.” And allow them to either agree with you or reclarify what they are feeling about what they were sharing. If they reclarify, imagine what it would feel like from that perspective.

If you have different opinions about something like your partner was terrified by a ride at the amusement park and you found it exhilarating, you can validate your partner’s feelings while agreeing to allow each other the right to their own experience. For instance, you might say, “I can feel how terrified you must have been on that ride,” (empathy, and continue) “but I was having the time of my life.” It’s okay to have different points of view, but very important to deeply understand where your partner is coming from and honor them by allowing them to have their experience any way they want to.

If they’ve intimated their story to you devoid of feelings, it might be helpful to lightly probe and encourage them to share their feelings by simply asking, “How did that make you feel?”

I think you’re ready to take your relationship to the next level.

You Can’t Tell What’s Going on Inside Someone Else’s Head

No matter how deeply you know someone or how much you observe their behavior, you simply cannot truly know what’s happening inside their mind. Sure, you can try. If you gather enough information about them, talk face-to-face about their innermost thoughts and feelings, and apply every tool or technique you know—be it psychological, spiritual, or even intuitive—you might get a vague idea. But even at best, it’s an educated guess. And that’s being generous.

Really?

Yes, really. Think about this: when someone notices you seem distant and asks, “Are you okay?” your instinctive response is likely, “I’m fine.” But in that moment, just before they interrupted your train of thought, an entire symphony of emotions, ideas, and vivid mental images was playing out in your mind. Even if you wanted to share what was going on, how could you possibly convey it in its entirety? Words would barely scratch the surface of the experience taking place within you.

Now take that snapshot of yourself—one fleeting moment of inner life—and apply it to every single person you interact with, whether briefly or deeply, every day. When you ask someone how they’re doing, and they respond with a polite, “I’m fine,” what’s really going on behind that simple statement?

Do You Care?

With the people who matter most in our lives, we care deeply. We want to understand what’s happening inside their heads because we rely on these connections to ground us. Feeling connected often means seeking some degree of understanding—predictable reliability—about how our loved ones think, feel, and act.

But the truth is, even with the people closest to us—siblings, best friends, children, or parents—we still don’t fully know what’s happening in their minds. Not in moments of silence, and certainly not in moments when we’re absent from their lives.

Perspectives Shape Reality

Everyone sees the world from their own perspective, shaped by their unique experiences, beliefs, and emotional states. Two people can hear the exact same story and react in entirely different ways.

Take this example:

A woman pulls into a convenience store parking lot in a panic, screaming for someone to call an ambulance. While a bystander calls for help, another person approaches the woman’s car and asks through the closed window if she’s okay. She yells that she’s been shot in the back of the head. He asks her to unlock the door so he can help, but she refuses, saying she’s holding her brains in with both hands.

When the ambulance and police arrive, they open the car to discover that a container of pop-and-fresh dough had burst in the backseat, striking her in the head.

One person laughs uncontrollably at the absurdity of the situation. Another weeps, overcome with sorrow for the woman’s panic and fear.

Same story. Two wildly different reactions.

The Mystery of the Mind

When someone reacts in a way we didn’t expect—whether it’s their laughter, anger, tears, or silence—it can feel jarring. We might even question how well we know them. This unpredictability, which we often interpret as unreliability, highlights the vast complexity of the human mind.

In those moments, we are reminded of a profound truth: no matter how much we love, trust, or analyze another person, we can never fully know what’s going on inside their head.

So, the next time you find yourself surprised by someone’s actions or reactions, pause. Remember that every person carries a universe of thoughts, emotions, and experiences that you may never fully understand. And that’s okay.

What truly matters is the effort we make to connect, even when the mystery remains.