understanding | David M Masters

Broken Picker? Understanding Love Trust & Romantic Predators

So many times, I find myself sitting across from someone who shakes their head and says, “Whoa, did I pick a doozy this time,” right before they dive into some unbelievable love story turned nightmare. They always finish with that familiar line: “I think my picker is broken.”

And you know what? If you look at the pattern of their past relationships, most anyone might agree. It sure looks like a history of picking the wrong people. But here’s the kicker, it may not be that their picker is broken at all. It may simply be a case of premature mate selection. Or maybe, it’s a little deeper than that.

Because let’s be honest: the landscape of love is rarely as simple as one person being wrong and the other being right. There are always two players on the stage of romance, you, and the person you’re letting into your heart. And you, as a seeker of truth in love, are often operating with incomplete information.

No matter how intuitive you think you are (and you might be incredibly perceptive in most areas of your life), your internal guidance system gets wobbly when the scent of true love is in the air. And the subversive romantic predator? They’re counting on that. They’re banking on the fact that your heart will override your head.

Are They All Out to Get You?

No. Not everyone is a predator. But some are. And they have every right to look for what they want in a partner, just like you do. That doesn’t make them evil. It makes them human. But it also means you have to be smart.

Take a moment to reflect on how we all size up potential mates:

Modern Screening Questions	Hidden Primal Motivation
Where do you work?	Can you provide for me?
What kind of car do you drive?	Do you have status or style?
Do you have a college degree?	Are you intelligent or successful?
Do you want kids? / Have kids?	Will you support or burden me?
Do you own a home?	Are you stable?
Do you pay child support?	Are you carrying baggage?
What medications are you on?	Will I have to care for you?
Do you have a retirement plan?	Are you future-focused?

And here’s the thing: all these questions might seem logical and “responsible” on the surface. But matching up on these checkboxes does not guarantee long-term compatibility or emotional depth. Cave people probably had their own primitive version of this vetting process, and just like then, it’s not always accurate.

Being a solid provider or good on paper is not the same as being a good partner in the long haul. A lasting, soul-connected relationship needs more than surface-level alignment. It needs emotional transparency, shared values, and truth.

And yet, here’s the problem: you can’t actually know what’s going on inside another person’s head. That’s the blind spot. And unfortunately, it’s where romantic predators love to play.

Top 10 Hidden Romantic Motivations

Let’s go behind the scenes. Here are the top 10 hidden romantic motivations that have been uncovered in the safety of my office during counseling sessions:

1. “I need a break from my current life.”
2. “I want some sex.”
3. “I need someone to vacation with.”
4. “I need a place to live.”
5. “They have good credit.”
6. “I just want to feel loved for a while.”
7. “Their reputation can open doors for me.”
8. “They have resources or connections I want.”
9. “If I promise enough, I can get what I want.”
10. “Someone hurt me, and I feel better hurting someone else.”

These are not just hypotheticals. These are real thoughts from real people who entered relationships under false or self-serving pretenses.

Are these evil thoughts? Not necessarily. But they’re not the kind of authentic, love-based intentions you’re probably looking for. And if you’re not aware of them, or worse, if you assume everyone is being honest just because you are, you set yourself up to get played.

Maybe Your Picker Isn’t Broken After All…

If you’ve been burned in love and found yourself attracting the wrong people over and over again, let me be the first to tell you: you may not be broken. In fact, you may be incredibly trusting. You may have a heart so open and pure that it attracts people in need… or opportunists who know how to exploit that.

That’s why it’s time to stop beating yourself up, and start installing security protocols that protect your loving heart from emotional manipulation and deceit.

How to Protect Yourself from Romantic Predators

Here are a few tips to keep your heart open without being a victim:

1. Don’t Overshare Too Soon

The more personal information you give away in the early stages, the easier it is for a predator to mirror your desires. Practice some restraint, even if it feels thrilling.

1. Watch What They Do, Not Just What They Say

Words are cheap. Pay attention to patterns, not promises. How do they act when no one is watching? How do they treat others?

1. Ask Unexpected Questions

Throw in a few off-script questions to see if they’re being real. Ask about childhood dreams, spiritual beliefs, or how they handle failure. Surface predators don’t prep for those.

1. Know Your Hidden Motives

Get brutally honest with yourself about what you’re secretly hoping to gain. Healing from loneliness? Escaping something? Needing approval? Don’t hide from yourself.

1. Set Boundaries Early

Be clear about your non-negotiables. You’re not being difficult, you’re protecting your soul. And predators hate boundaries, they’ll reveal themselves when pushed.

1. Invite a Trusted Friend’s Perspective

Sometimes, love blinds us. Bring in someone you trust to meet this person and get their read. They may notice red flags you’re missing.

1. Don’t Ignore Your Gut

Even if it whispers. Even if it’s inconvenient. If something feels off, it probably is.

You are not broken. But you do need to upgrade your discernment.
Because your heart is valuable. Your love is precious. And if someone wants a seat at your table, they need to earn it, not just charm their way in.

It’s okay to be hopeful. It’s okay to want love.
But as you seek that divine connection, let wisdom walk beside your heart.
And remember: you’re not here to be used, you’re here to be loved.

Stay true to your heart but bring your higher mind along for the ride.

~ David M. Masters

What Are the Three Levels of Forgiveness? Dare: Try Level 3!

Forgiveness is a multifaceted concept that profoundly influences our mental, physical, and spiritual well-being. It can be seen as a progressive journey through three levels, each offering deeper understanding and greater benefits. Let’s explore these levels of forgiveness and how they can enhance our lives.

Level 1: Standard Forgiveness

Standard forgiveness is the most common understanding of the term. It occurs when someone acknowledges being wronged and chooses to forgive the transgressor. This forgiveness often involves a conscious decision to let go of resentment and anger while attempting not to dwell on the transgression.

Benefits of Level 1 Forgiveness

- Mental Health: Letting go of grudges can reduce stress, anxiety, and depression, leading to improved mental health.
- Physical Health: Forgiving can lower blood pressure, improve heart health, and boost the immune system.
- Spiritual Health: This level of forgiveness often aligns with many spiritual teachings that promote compassion and empathy.

Level 1 Forgiveness Tips

- Acknowledge Your Feelings: Recognize and validate your emotions before attempting to forgive.
- Communicate: If possible, express your feelings to the person who wronged you, allowing them to understand the impact of their actions.
- Set Boundaries: Establish boundaries to protect yourself from future harm while maintaining the relationship if desired.

Level 2: Understanding the Transgressor

The second level of forgiveness involves shifting focus from yourself to the transgressor, seeking to understand why they acted as they did. This perspective emphasizes empathy and attempts to view the situation from the transgressor’s viewpoint.

Benefits of Level 2 Forgiveness

- Mental Health: Understanding others reduces feelings of anger and resentment, promoting peace of mind.
- Physical Health: Empathy and compassion have been shown to release oxytocin, a hormone that reduces stress and promotes healing.
- Spiritual Health: This level encourages spiritual growth by cultivating greater empathy and compassion.

Level 2 Forgiveness Tips

- Practice Empathy: Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and consider their life experiences and motivations.
- Reflect on Their Journey: Recognize that everyone is influenced by their unique circumstances, which can lead to hurtful actions.
- Let Go of Control: Understand that you cannot change others, only your perception and response to them.

Level 3: Transcendence of Forgiveness

The third and most profound level of forgiveness involves recognizing that no transgression has occurred. This perspective acknowledges that people act based on their own experiences and capacities, and their actions are not personal attacks.

Benefits of Level 3 Forgiveness

- Mental Health: This level eliminates resentment entirely, leading to deep inner peace and emotional freedom.
- Physical Health: Absence of stress and anger improves overall health and longevity.
- Spiritual Health: This transcendent understanding fosters a profound connection to the universe, promoting acceptance and love for all beings.

Tips for Level 3 Forgiveness

- Cultivate Mindfulness: Practice being present and detached from judgment, allowing you to see situations more clearly.
- Embrace Imperfection: Accept that everyone is doing their best with the resources and knowledge available to them.
- Develop Compassion: Focus on loving-kindness and the shared human experience, seeing the divine in others.

If someone desires forgiveness beyond level 3, that is far beyond my pay grade.

Forgiveness is a journey that can profoundly impact our well-being. While progressing through these levels, we cultivate greater understanding, compassion, and peace. Whether choosing to forgive, seeking to understand, or transcending forgiveness altogether, each level offers unique benefits that enhance our mental, physical, and spiritual health. We can foster a more harmonious and loving world by embracing these perspectives.

Seek First to Understand

Many years ago, when I was being trained for counseling there was an impetus to spend the first few sessions to understand where a client was coming from to establish a baseline, then came along Stephen Covey with his 5^th Habit: Seek First to Understand, and this concept of understanding has evolved in my practice as I have as well.

Initially, “understanding” was basically an assessment tool, after which one would prepare a series of successive programs to guide a client from where they were at the initial consultation to where one’s training had determined was the proper destination for the client.

Only after years of practice did I begin to see that no manner of training was suitable for guiding each client to his or her highest and best. This could only be determined by challenging the client to reach deep inside and discover his or her own path and destination. In doing so, it became clear that there was no one size fits all solution, and every client was different. After a time, this increasingly made more sense to me.

If you are in the counseling or “help” business in any manner, shape, or form, it is easy to have preconceived ideas about what is generally, if not specifically, the best path that anyone should follow. Your drive might be to “fix” someone. That is to assert your perspective over that of the person you are trying to help. Instead, consider a deeper level of empathetic understanding.

Time and experience have humbled me and taught me that my opinions may not be the best for an individual, for if any given person is truly individual then the path they travel will be just as unique and individual as he or she is.

This really changes the emphasis on understanding and takes it to a new, empathetically deeper level, because now you have to take an entire life into consideration, and while your training may have equipped you to look for clues and probable suggestions for solutions, you should be ready for anything.

One thing that has helped me in this structural reframe is to allow the client to be right in all things and allow them to adjust their sense of rightness as we progress in a supportive coaching arrangement. I really try to get a sense of what it is like to walk in their shoes as they live through their life.

In retrospect, I am somewhat ashamed of the sense of superiority that I exercised with clients in the past, when I approached my work with clients as more structured and rigid. I have a much higher success rate based on the increased connection due to this increased understanding of a client.

Honoring where they are at any given moment, without judgment, standard recommendations, or preconceived outcomes.

My motivation is highly love-inspired because that is who I am. I sincerely and lovingly regard my clients and support them through whatever their process may be. To encourage and walk alongside the clients to discover where this journey leads.

I am not likely to tell a client what to do these days but am probably going to make many suggestions, giving them many options to choose for themselves what is the best door to open along the way.

This means allowing the individuals to be comfortable in their world whatever it might look like and work from there.

This has allowed me to have the most entertaining and expansive experiences and has enabled me to have access to their innermost thoughts and data provided by the people that I work with that I would never have had access to otherwise.

All from truly seeking to first understand, allowing them to be or believe anything they want, and genuinely accepting and loving them through their process, supporting them as they find their way to new levels of personal and spiritual growth.

In the end, the client is blessed. Still, I feel that I am even more blessed because I was able to be there in those most precious of moments when perceptions shifted, epiphanies were experienced, and a new life metamorphosis happened before my very eyes.