Tag: relationship skills

Getting to Know You

When you’re getting to know someone, you are also letting them get to know you better. The best way to do this is to be open, honest, find common ground and communicate with each other as you build a relationship without judgment. Especially in the beginning, it’s best to avoid conversations which can lead to disagreement or conflict.

Not being quick to assume, accuse or judge someone can go a long way in building rapport, so just don’t go there. If you have some pressing thought, idea or question that might be offensive, wait until you have built rapport and get to know each other better. This will also help you to have a better idea about how to approach the idea or question in a way that is respectful of his or her personality and communication style.

If I am getting to know you as a person, you are no threat to me. I am investing my efforts to get to know you better, without you having to prove yourself worthy of my attention or friendship. As I get to know you better, I learn whether I can trust you. If I can, trust develops, and you move closer to my inner circle of relationships.

Invite those you are getting to know to ask questions if anything is unclear about what you are talking about, especially if it is in regard to you or the kind of person that you are. It is common for someone who is harboring an unspoken question to file it away as if it was asked but left unanswered. This figures into their continuum of understanding or judging who you are as a person.

There is no blame associated with this process, it is just how the human brain works. By being open and inviting invitations to query you, the unspoken questions may be addressed and clarified.

When I’m getting to know someone, I like to add value to the conversation by giving them something to think about, challenge them (without overwhelming them) or make them feel a little better than before we exchanged ideas. If it’s appropriate, I might suggest a little homework assignment and invite them to get back to me on how it turned out.

You never know which acquaintances might grow and develop into lifelong friends, so leave the door open for them to reconnect with you again. It might be a good idea to set a date and time for reconnecting at the end of this conversational exchange.

If it sounds like they are uncertain about their schedule or may not feel as though this might be more than what they bargained for, not to worry. Make sure you arm them with a manner by which you can be contacted in the future, if they are feeling like they might like to reconnect or get to know you better later, at a time when it is more convenient for them.

If you’ve been able to garner some valuable insight or nugget of truth from your interaction with this person, by all means, tell him or her. Every interaction between two people has the potential for enlightenment, acknowledging such opens the door for even more. Everyone feels good about lending value to another’s life, even if only in small, otherwise insignificant ways.

So, be on the lookout for something positive in each interaction and chances are you will find something beneficial, helpful, or a thought or idea which raises your enthusiasm or joy.

Take advantage of the digital tools you possess. Exchange email addresses or offer to hook up on social media. This helps to maintain contact or allow this person to reach out to you when the timing is better for him or her.

Not all the people you meet will be a good match for developing a deeper relationship with. In fact, some can even be disadvantageous or harmful. If the new person you’ve met becomes a drain on your resources, then know when to move along.

Some people can be like a black hole of negative energy, draining your and others whenever they are around. There is no judgment here because it’s just the way they are. You cannot change an energy vampire or prevent them from draining your energy but you must find ways to isolate yourself enough so as to not let them drain you and move on.

If you are sensitive and aware enough to identify this person as a potential energy drain at the get-go, there is no need to offer an opportunity to reconnect at a later date. Be polite, trust your instincts and proceed appropriately.

Be gentle with those you choose to move on and away from. Honor them and protect yourself. Be mindful of who they are as a person and have empathy for their plight without exposing yourself too much or offending them.

Many an offended person with low self-esteem has taken to the Internet with false accusations, negative reviews, and public forum bad-mouthing in an attempt to seek revenge for having their feelings hurt.

This is bound to happen occasionally but being mindful and cautious can help you in taking the high road to living a better life, while honoring others who are only doing the best they can with what they have, just like us.

Successful Love Relationship

While there is a high degree of focus on chemistry and compatibility in relationships these days, the work I do with couples seems to support the idea that the most unlikely matched couples can count their relationships among the most successful and long-standing, deepest loves by integrating basic characteristics into the existing relationship. This hugely supports the Love is a Choice concept.

First of all, if you’re going to have a successful relationship, you must be willing to set aside your “what’s in it for me” mentality. Your relationship needs to be based on mutual respect, support, compassion, and a sincere desire to grow and evolve yourself as you love your partner and augment your partner’s work to achieve his or her highest and best. If this level of love and support is reciprocal, your love will grow immensely in concert with one another, and you both will be able to share the best things this life has to offer together.

Your relationship moves from a me-based to a we-based foundation.

In a we-based relationship, you give more of what you desire to get what you want. It’s more about the giving, and the receiving is a natural result of your selfless benevolence and generosity.

When you first notice incongruency in your relationship, recognizing that something is making you feel bad about your partner, first look within yourself. Ask yourself, “What could this have to do with me?” If you can think objectively, searching deep within, you may discover what you are feeling is in reaction to something unresolved within you, or alternatively, you are more the source of your discontent than your partner by trying to impose unnecessary judgment of restrictions based on life experiences from your past.

In this respect, in a real relationship, your partner is a mirror, reflecting yourself back to you, enabling you to see glimpses of the deep work that might be part of your personal growth and evolution waiting to be unveiled and dealt with. This should be your first thought when sensing discord because, in an enlightened relationship, your partner would never seek to make you feel bad. His or her desire is only to completely love and support you.

Growth necessitates change, so don’t be surprised when you look back at the beginnings of your relationship and think about how your partner is not the same person you started this journey with. One would hope not. The changes brought about by your continued growth and change within the relationship should be cause for celebration, with the hope or expectation that tomorrow and the days and years that follow will lead to even more growth and change increasing life energy and mutual expansion.

Without growth and change, a relationship goes stagnant and is unsustainable.

Living in the now is an important key component in the most successful relationships. As in all areas of life, there will be ups and downs, mistakes will be made, challenges will arise, and unexpected circumstances will visit the relationship. As quickly as possible, retaining the wisdom from the experience, abandoning the past, and living in the present moment, is a huge factor in the most successful relationships. And for God’s sake, do not hold a grudge against your partner. Repressed dissention and/or guilt will drain the energy from your love. Left to spread, like a cancer, will lead to love’s death.

Like love, happiness is also a choice. Make opportunities to include joyous time that you spend together as a couple. Don’t resign yourself to being so serious that you do not allow time for fun. Find ways to incorporate laughter and joy into your relationship to help raise your love vibration.

When facing opposition, remember there is no right or wrong, as, in all things in life, there is balance. Your partner is entitled to his or her opinion, and remember that nothing in this relationship is written in stone. Something that is said, felt, or believed today is always subject to new information, seeing something from a different perspective, and/or personal growth. So, let it be and agree to disagree for the moment. Don’t let the differences come between you, rather celebrate your differences in the now, and wait to see what is birthed from the process.

If whatever you focus your attention on grows (and it does) then look for the good things in your relationship and focus your attention on these things. How can you celebrate all your partner brings to the relationship? Look for opportunities to express your affection, appreciation, and gratitude to your partner and remember to make time to communicate these things intimately to your partner one-on-one.

Be open and honest with your partner and be courageous enough to express your needs and concerns along the way in a safe and sane way, while allowing your partner the same sacred space for healthy communication along the way. Every couple will encounter rough spots, and when you do, do not let them come between you. Use them for constructive, creative forms of expression, and don’t take it personally if your partner needs to blow off some steam. Be prepared for it, allow it to happen, then after things calm down, revisit it and see if together you both can make some sense of it.

Love represents the most powerful energy in the universe. It is always there, waiting for you to access it and apply it, first to yourself, your relationships, then the world.

You have a very exciting love-filled joyous life ahead.

See you at the Soulmate Wizardry event.

Empathic Understanding

Connection via empathetic understanding is the real connection between two people and is the most endearing act of love and honor which one can present to another. This connection is the most meaningful part of any relationship. You know it. You remember when you’ve felt it. When your friend finishes your sentences, when you’ve had a strong bond with a teacher or mentor, you felt connected, understood.

You know this. Yet, surprisingly, I see a lack of empathetic understanding as the underlying indicator of trouble ahead in the most important relationships, between lovers. Maybe you felt a connected and/or understood in the beginning (though that was likely a more powerful driving force than connection) but after a while, you realize that the connection you felt was simply you projecting your desire to be connected and understood onto your partner.

When you’re in the projection mode, you see everything interpreted through your special lens which is rose-colored and sees synchronicity in all things. Following the passing of time, things that used to be “cute” are becoming annoying, and you’re no longer feeling as though you are connected or understood, as you once thought you were.

When you’re projecting your feelings onto your interpretation of another person, you feel as though they are feeling your feelings, even when no such connection exists.

It is this feeling of another’s feelings that Stephen Covey refers to as his, “Habit number 5: Seek first to understand then to be understood” in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. This is the connection which exemplifies the highest integrity and connection between two people, whether used in business relationships, or more importantly, at home. It is a powerful connection which promotes and deepens respect, trust, and intimacy.

This simple method of joining the worlds of two people into a united vision felt by two is the secret of the most successful relationships. Sometimes it just happens organically, and the two people don’t even know they are doing it. For the rest of us, we need to first understand the concept before we can even think about attempting such a thing. And it’s on you to proactively take the first step.

Understanding is not giving advice, being over-protective, or fixing things for another person. Empathetic understanding is simply the process of actively listening, inviting them to dig deeper, and even more deeply, until they have gotten it all out, while you are using your imagination to feel what it might be like to be in that other person’s shoes, empathizing with him or her.

Empathetic Understanding

If you’re unaccustomed to this higher level of listening, it may take some practice. Creating a safe and sacred atmosphere can be an important component when someone is sharing something close to their heart, so eliminating distractors, such as the TV, music playing in the background, or retreating to a place where more privacy can be established are excellent ways to honor your partner’s sharing.

Nodding your head and looking them in the eye indicates you’re listening, while you are resisting your inclination to interrupt or interject when they are sharing. Let them speak their piece and listen carefully. When they pause, simply try to restate what they just said in your own words, starting with, “Let me see if I get what you’re saying…”

Then ask them if there’s anything more they’d like to say about that? And let them continue. Repeat this as many times as necessary, until they’ve announced that’s all they have to say.

Rather than give in to the urge to counsel or help him or her fix something your partner is concerned about, after first imagining what he or she might be feeling, feeling it as though you were feeling them yourself, offer up validation of your partner’s feelings. Something like, “Wow, you must have felt devastated.” And allow them to either agree with you or reclarify what they are feeling about what they were sharing. If they reclarify, imagine what it would feel like from that perspective.

If you have different opinions about something like your partner was terrified by a ride at the amusement park and you found it exhilarating, you can validate your partner’s feelings while agreeing to allow each other the right to their own experience. For instance, you might say, “I can feel how terrified you must have been on that ride,” (empathy, and continue) “but I was having the time of my life.” It’s okay to have different points of view, but very important to deeply understand where your partner is coming from and honor them by allowing them to have their experience any way they want to.

If they’ve intimated their story to you devoid of feelings, it might be helpful to lightly probe and encourage them to share their feelings by simply asking, “How did that make you feel?”

I think you’re ready to take your relationship to the next level.

Relationship Skills for a Better Life

Since you do not live in a vacuum, you are surrounded by a wide variety of people who add color and depth to your human experience, how you manage these people (or how they manage you) are based on your relationship skills.

Relationships come in all shapes and sizes from spousal, cohabitation, familial, friends, coworkers, and acquaintances. Sometimes, family (our closest relationships) are the most difficult to manage.

Probably, the most important skill you can have in managing your relationships is communication. How adept or inept you are at demonstrating your communication skills can have a huge impact on the relationships you manage.

It’s pretty apparent if you possess pathetic communication skills. For instance, people constantly misunderstand what you’re trying to say, you are prone to get into heated debates (even though you may feel like you’re winning), and your emotions run high when you are talking to someone about something that is important to you (and more likely, not positive emotions). Is it any wonder people are less likely to want to be in your presence?

By building your relationship skills, you can develop deeper, more meaningful relationships, which promotes more success, abundance, and happiness in your life.

Some things you might consider in building your relationship skills might be,

When a conversation is heading into difficult territory, avoid bringing up the past. By staying current, you and the other participants are less likely to be defensive of fill like they’re being attacked.

Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. What might it look like from their point of view, having lived the life they’ve lived? Sticking to your guns, and not allowing someone to see, think of feel differently, only causes separation, while allowing people to be who they are creates more affinity.

Pay attention to what they’re saying. Use active listening skills by repeating what they’ve said in your own words to acknowledge them and let them know you’re understanding what they’re saying.

When somebody says something that is contrary to what you might believe, or you’re feeling criticized or challenged, don’t ready yourself for a battle. Try not to be so defensive, and respond with an affirmative, “Oh, that’s interesting.” And if they try to pick a fight, don’t let them drag you into destructive banter. Stay your ground and remain positive.

Give up the idea of winning and seek ways you can arrive at compromise. Finding a way to compromise means “everyone wins.” Avoid win/lose conversations or situations, and don’t settle for win/lose compromise where one party is making all the concessions. Make sure both parties give-in and both parties get some of the important things they wanted.

If the conversation is getting heated and emotions are rising, take a break. Agree to do something else for a pre-determined amount of time and return to the subject at hand, after taking a break, when you are refreshed and can revisit the topic with clear heads and hearts.

Blaming someone never accomplishes anything but causing more division. Find ways to take responsibility for whatever you can. This helps to relieve the pressure, plus it gives you more control, the more responsibility you take. Why? Because you’re the only one who can control you.

If you think things are getting away from you, then seek a coach, counselor or consultant who can advise and act as a mediator to break through any barriers you may be facing.

Make time to cultivate your relationships. Don’t let texting or social media be your only connection method. There’s nothing that compares to authentic face-to-face time. Create opportunities for more in-person conversation, leading to a deeper, more meaningful connection.

It’s not just enough to be in the presence of someone, like at a movie, or a conference. Make time for a little face-to-face interaction before, after, or during breaks to communicate and interconnect directly.

If you’re not in the habit of it, be bold enough to freak out your friends and family by calling them via voice phone (no texting allowed, here) for no other reason, just to say, “Hi,” without any agenda, other than to let them know you were thinking about him or her.

If someone is important to you, let them know, even if only in some small way. Send them a note, or some small token of your affection, thanking them for being a positive influence in your life. These people help give your life meaning.

If your relationship is built on a foundation of love, don’t be afraid to let them know, if not by words, then by touching them appropriately while communicating with them, or greet them with a light hug or some other appropriate gesture.