Tag: communication

Maybe You Don’t Need to Ask the Question

There was a time when I placed an enormous amount of importance on people telling me the truth. Honesty. Openness. Integrity. These things mattered to me. They still do. But after nearly a lifetime of being invited into some of the darkest, most private, occasionally unbelievable recesses of people’s lives, I’ve learned something about human beings. People lie. Good people lie. Honest people sometimes lie. People who love you may lie to you.

People lie because they’re afraid. They lie because they’re embarrassed. They lie because they haven’t forgiven themselves yet. They lie because they don’t know how you’ll respond. Sometimes they lie because they don’t know the truth themselves. And sometimes what we call lying is another person desperately trying to protect a room inside themselves that they aren’t ready to open.

That doesn’t make dishonesty good. It doesn’t mean deception should be tolerated when truth is necessary to the health or safety of a relationship. But it has changed the way I ask questions.

These days, before asking someone something deeply personal, I sometimes think:

Would I be disappointed if they lied to me?

That’s an interesting question. Because if the answer is yes, another question immediately follows.

Then do I really need to ask?

Maybe I don’t.

Curiosity Does Not Create Entitlement

We can become curious about something another person has experienced and unconsciously decide that our curiosity gives us a right to know. It doesn’t.

People have sacred spaces. There are memories they may not want to revisit. Experiences they haven’t figured out. Things they regret. Things they don’t understand. Things they may someday tell us. And things they may never tell anyone.

That space belongs to them.

One of the unexpected expressions of wisdom may be learning to stand outside that door without knocking. Not because we don’t care. Because we do.

Every Question Creates a Moment

Suppose there’s something you suspect about someone you love. You could ask.

Maybe they’ll

    • tell you the truth
    • lie
    • tell you half the truth
    • become defensive
    • feel exposed
    • answer honestly and you’ll discover you weren’t prepared for the answer.

Suddenly something that wasn’t damaging the relationship five minutes ago is sitting at the dinner table with both of you.

What did we gain? Sometimes quite a lot.

There are questions that need to be asked. There are things that truly matter, like

    • Safety
    • Consent
    • Commitments
    • Health
    • Finances
    • Faithfulness

Anything materially affecting another person’s ability to make informed choices may require uncomfortable truth.

Love isn’t an excuse for avoiding reality. But there are other questions whose answers change almost nothing. Except perhaps the relationship. Those deserve another moment of consideration.

You Can Leave the Door Open

Something wonderful happens when people discover they don’t have to defend themselves around you. They start talking. Maybe not today. Maybe not next Tuesday. But trust has an interesting way of opening doors that interrogation keeps locked.

You don’t necessarily have to extract someone’s story. You can become a person with whom the story feels safe. That’s different. And it requires patience.

Maybe

    • the answer eventually arrives while you’re driving somewhere
    • it appears over coffee three years later
    • one evening they look at you and say, “There’s something I’ve wanted to tell you.”

And because you never demanded it, they’re finally able to give it freely.

Or maybe they never tell you. Then what?

Well…

Did you

    • love them?
    • enjoy their company?
    • laugh together?
    • encourage one another?
    • build something beautiful?
    • become better human beings because you knew each other?

Then perhaps nothing was missing.

Connection Is Not an Investigation

I think we sometimes approach relationships as though intimacy means knowing everything. I’m no longer convinced that’s true.

Maybe intimacy is not having access to every room. Maybe intimacy is knowing there are rooms you haven’t entered and loving the person anyway.

That’s a different kind of trust. It doesn’t require blindness. It requires discernment.

There will always be questions worth asking. There will always be truths worth pursuing. And there will certainly be moments when someone’s deception must be confronted. But wisdom doesn’t only teach us how to ask better questions.

Sometimes wisdom whispers,

You don’t need to ask this one.

Let it go. Give them their sacred space. Keep walking together.

If the answer needs to become part of your relationship, perhaps someday it will. Meanwhile, you’ve protected something precious.

    • Momentum
    • Dignity
    • Safety
    • Connection

The growing confidence that neither person must live under interrogation to remain loved.

Maybe that’s what leading with love occasionally looks like. Not knowing everything. Not demanding everything. Not resolving everything. Just leaving one door closed… and making sure the person on the other side knows they’re still welcome in your life.

FAQ

Should people in a relationship tell each other everything?

Healthy intimacy does not necessarily require complete access to every memory, thought, or experience. People can maintain personal boundaries while remaining loving, honest, and deeply connected.

Is privacy the same as secrecy in a relationship?

Not necessarily. Privacy preserves personal space and autonomy. Secrecy becomes more concerning when withheld information materially affects another person’s choices, safety, commitments, or wellbeing.

Why do people lie when asked personal questions?

Fear, shame, embarrassment, uncertainty, self-protection, and concern about another person’s reaction can all influence how someone responds to a deeply personal question.

How do you know whether to ask a difficult question?

Consider why you need the information and what you intend to do with it. If the answer materially affects safety, consent, health, finances, faithfulness, or an important commitment, the question may need to be asked. If it primarily satisfies curiosity, allowing privacy may sometimes serve the relationship better.

Can giving someone privacy actually build trust?

Yes. Knowing that personal disclosure will not be demanded can create emotional safety. Sometimes people voluntarily share more when they know they are free not to.

 

Your Friends Are Not Your Clients | Professional Boundaries

If you’re a coach, consultant, counselor, practitioner, therapist, financial advisor, attorney, minister, or just about any other professional, you’ve probably heard some version of this: “Can I ask you a quick question?” Of course they can. And because they’re your friend, you usually answer.

Five minutes later, you’re halfway through what would normally be a paid consultation. Twenty minutes later, they’re asking follow-up questions. An hour later, they’ve mentally enrolled in your expertise without ever enrolling in your process.

Then comes my favorite part. Several weeks later they tell you… “I tried what you said.” Followed by, “It didn’t really work.”

Or perhaps… “I thought you were going to help me with the rest.”

Wait… The rest?

Here’s the part that’s easy to forget. Professional results rarely come from professional answers. They come from professional processes.

A paid client doesn’t simply receive information. They receive observation. Clarification. Questions they didn’t know to ask. Context. History. Strategy. Accountability. Adjustments. Encouragement. Honest feedback. Someone walking beside them long enough to notice when they’re unknowingly sabotaging themselves.

Most breakthroughs don’t happen because of one brilliant sentence. They happen because someone stays with the process. That’s difficult to do over coffee.

Friends often hear the conclusion. Clients experience the journey. Those are very different things.

Imagine asking a surgeon one question at a backyard barbecue. You wouldn’t expect them to perform surgery beside the potato salad. The conversation isn’t the procedure.

The same is true in nearly every profession. Your accountant can answer a tax question. That doesn’t replace a comprehensive tax strategy.

Your attorney may explain a law. That doesn’t establish legal representation.

A mechanic may suspect what’s making the noise. That isn’t the same as diagnosing the vehicle.

Likewise, a coach may offer an idea. But coaching isn’t advice. It’s partnership.

Something else quietly happens when people become paying clients. They become invested. Investment changes attention. Attention changes implementation. Implementation changes outcomes.

People tend to value what they’ve intentionally committed themselves to.

That isn’t about money. It’s about ownership.

Friends also have another advantage that clients don’t. They already know us. Sometimes a little too well. Because they know us socially, they unconsciously assume our expertise must also be casual. It isn’t.

Our friendship is casual. Our profession is not.

Healthy boundaries don’t protect income. They protect relationships.

I’ve found it helpful to say things like:

“I’d be happy to give you a quick thought, but I don’t want to pretend that’s the same as walking through the whole process together.”

Or…

“There’s a much bigger picture here than I can responsibly answer over lunch.”

Or simply…

“That’s a great coaching question, not a coffee question.”

People usually understand. And if they don’t… That tells you something important too.

The professionals reading this already know the feeling. You genuinely want your friends to succeed.

You care.

You hope they flourish.

But caring about someone doesn’t require pretending that a casual conversation can replace a thoughtful professional engagement.

Your friends deserve honesty.

Your clients deserve excellence.

Fortunately…

Those two things can coexist beautifully.

Sometimes the most caring thing a professional can say isn’t,

“Sure, let’s solve your life in fifteen minutes.”

Sometimes it’s,

“I care too much about you to offer a shortcut where a process is needed.”

That isn’t withholding your gifts.

That’s respecting them.

And perhaps respecting your friend enough to invite them into the kind of transformation that only commitment can produce.

 

When Clicks Matter More Than Credibility Becomes Empty Purse

Today I had one of those conversations that stayed with me. Not because it was dramatic. Because it was honest. I was meeting with a client who is active on social media. She had found a story she was about to post. The headline was shocking.

The problem was, it wasn’t actually a news story. It was speculation dressed up as certainty. Designed to provoke. Designed to travel. Designed to make people stop scrolling.

I gently suggested she might not want to post it. “It isn’t really based on fact,” I said. “If people discover that, doesn’t it slowly erode your credibility?”

She didn’t hesitate. “I don’t care.” Then she smiled. “Do you know how much traffic I get on this stuff?”

I appreciated her honesty. Because in that moment she said out loud what much of our culture quietly rewards.

Attention has become a currency. And sometimes it’s worth more than trust. The algorithms don’t ask if something is true. They ask if someone will click.

Outrage performs well. Fear performs well. Suspicion performs well. Half-truths often outperform whole truths. And certainty usually gets more engagement than curiosity.

We’re beginning to live in an economy where integrity doesn’t always pay immediately. That can be discouraging. Especially for people who care about accuracy. But here’s what keeps me thinking.

Traffic isn’t the same thing as trust. Visibility isn’t the same thing as credibility. Influence isn’t the same thing as wisdom.

You can have millions of views and still have very few people who genuinely trust your heart.

Respect grows differently. Respect grows slowly.

    • One honest conversation.
    • One accurate statement.
    • One careful correction.
    • One admission of, “I don’t know.”
    • One decision not to exaggerate.
    • One refusal to pass along something simply because it’s exciting.

Respect is expensive. Clicks are cheap.

The strange thing is that most of us say we want relationships built on trust.

We want leaders with integrity. We want businesses that tell the truth. We want friends who are honest. Yet every day we quietly reward the opposite.

Every click is a tiny vote. Every share says, “Give me more of this.” Whether we realize it or not.

I’m not writing this to criticize my client. I suspect she simply recognized the rules of the current game.

The question is whether those rules deserve to stay. Because every culture eventually becomes what it rewards.

    • If outrage pays better than honesty… we’ll manufacture outrage.
    • If exaggeration pays better than accuracy… we’ll exaggerate.
    • If division pays better than understanding… we’ll divide.

None of that happens overnight. It happens one click at a time.

Jesus once said that where your treasure is, your heart will be also.

I’ve wondered lately if the opposite is equally revealing.

Where our clicks go… our culture follows.

Perhaps integrity has become an empty purse. Or perhaps we’ve simply forgotten how valuable it really is.

The beautiful thing about values is that they don’t need everyone. They begin with one person deciding, “I’d rather be trusted than trending.”

That may not make us famous. But it just might make us someone worth believing.

Q: What’s the Difference Between Being Nice and Being Loving

There is a great deal of confusion that causes unnecessary pain. Many people believe they are being loving when, in reality, they are being nice, and many people believe love should feel gentle all the time, when in truth, love often feels honest first. Niceness seeks approval, love seeks truth, and understanding the difference can change how you relate to everyone in your life, including yourself.

How Niceness Became the Substitute for Love

Niceness is often learned early. It comes from wanting to belong, from wanting to avoid conflict, and learning that keeping others comfortable feels safer than being honest.

Nice people are polite. They’re agreeable. They try not to upset anyone. They smooth things over. They say “yes” when they mean “no,” and they swallow discomfort to keep the peace, and while niceness isn’t malicious, it’s also not courageous, because niceness is driven by fear, fear of rejection, disapproval, or loss of connection.

Love is not.

“Niceness avoids tension.
Love tells the truth.”

What Niceness Does, and Why It Fails

Niceness avoids tension. Love moves through it. Niceness says what will be accepted. Love says what is needed.

Niceness keeps the surface calm, but often allows deeper harm to continue unchallenged. It tolerates behaviors that quietly erode trust, intimacy, and self-respect, all in the name of being “good.”

Over time, niceness breeds resentment. Not because people are ungrateful, but because truth was never invited into the relationship, and relationships built without truth eventually collapse under the weight of what was never said.

What Love Is Willing to Do That Niceness Is Not

Love is willing to risk discomfort for the sake of integrity. Love tells the truth calmly, without cruelty, it sets boundaries without drama. Love names problems without attacking people, and it allows others their reactions without trying to manage them.

“You can be kind without being dishonest.”

Love understands something niceness does not: You can be kind without being dishonest, and you can be compassionate without being passive.

Why Understanding This Difference Is Critical Now

We are living in a time when many people feel exhausted, misunderstood, and quietly resentful, not because they don’t care, but because they’ve been taught to suppress truth in order to appear loving.

But suppression is not connection, silence is not peace, and self-erasure is not kindness.

Love creates safety not by avoiding truth, but by handling it well.

That’s why love can feel firmer than niceness and why it often brings relief, even when it brings tension.

How to Tell Whether You’re Being Nice or Loving

Here’s a simple reflection.

If you’re being nice, you’re probably asking:
“How do I keep everyone comfortable?”

If you’re being loving, you’re more likely asking:
“What is honest, kind, and necessary right now?”

Niceness protects appearances. Love protects what matters.

Niceness wants to be liked. Love wants to be real.

“Love protects what matters.
Niceness protects appearances.”

What Loving Looks Like in Everyday Life

Love doesn’t shout, but it also doesn’t disappear.

It looks like:

      • Saying no without overexplaining
      • Disagreeing without contempt
      • Allowing disappointment without rescuing
      • Speaking truth without needing to win
      • Letting others feel their feelings without absorbing them

Love trusts that real connection can survive honesty. Niceness is not so sure.

Seek Understanding and Clarity

The world does not need more polite silence, it needs people who can be kind and clear, compassionate and truthful, gentle and grounded.

Being nice may keep things smooth for a while, but being loving builds relationships that last, and once you feel the difference, you won’t want to go back.

 

How to Connect, Influence, and Inspire Through Communication

In the realm of communication, authenticity isn’t just a virtue; it’s a necessity. If you want to truly connect with others, share your ideas effectively, and inspire meaningful change, you must first understand the foundational principles of communication. Too often, people rush into conversations armed with their own perspectives, failing to consider the mindset, experience, or emotional state of their audience. This not only creates resistance but also diminishes the potential for real connection.

If you want to communicate effectively, the first rule is simple: honor your audience.

Honoring the Perspective of Your Audience

Communication is about more than just speaking; it’s about being understood. And understanding starts with honoring where the other person is coming from. What is the point of sharing your thoughts with someone who has no framework to comprehend them? It’s like speaking a foreign language without offering translation.

Consider this: if you directly jump into a conversation about a topic you already know your audience is opposed to, you are setting the stage for conflict. When people feel attacked or misunderstood, their instinct is to defend their beliefs and build walls rather than bridges. Instead of opening the doors to new ideas, you may only be reinforcing the ones that already exist.

If your goal is to communicate, not just broadcast, you must approach the conversation with compassion and strategic awareness. Before you engage, take time to understand the perspectives, concerns, and beliefs of those you wish to reach. Only when you truly understand their position can you effectively present your message in a way that resonates.

Effective Communication Strategies

1. Respect Precedes Reception

Respect is the foundation of all meaningful conversations. You must first respect the people you are communicating with—not just by listening, but by demonstrating that their views matter. If you can show them that their perspective has value, they will be far more likely to extend the same courtesy to you.

2. Know Your Audience

How can you expect someone to engage with your message if you have no idea where they stand? Before entering a conversation, take time to assess:

    • What does this person believe about the topic?
    • What emotions might they have attached to it?
    • Are they open to new ideas, or are they deeply entrenched in their beliefs?

Tip: If possible, engage in some preliminary conversation. Ask open-ended questions to understand their stance before launching into your message.

3. Approach with Curiosity, Not Condemnation

If you enter a conversation with an attitude of “I’m here to prove you wrong,” you have already lost. Instead, approach with curiosity. Ask questions that encourage self-reflection rather than defensiveness.

For example, instead of saying:

“You’re completely wrong about this.”

Try:

“That’s an interesting perspective. What led you to that conclusion?”

This small shift invites dialogue rather than debate.

4. Choose Your Presentation Wisely

Once you have a compassionate understanding of your audience’s perspective, you can choose the best way to present your ideas. Some people respond best to logic and data; others connect through personal stories or emotional appeals. Tailor your approach to suit the person in front of you.

5. Avoid Triggering Defensive Reactions

Once you offend your audience and put them on the defensive, the conversation is over. Their minds shut down, and their primary focus becomes self-protection rather than understanding. Be mindful of your tone, your choice of words, and your body language.

Tip: If you sense that someone is getting defensive, pause. Shift the focus of the conversation to something neutral before returning to the topic at hand.

6. Don’t Rely on Divine Intervention to Do the Work for You

It’s easy to hope and pray that people will suddenly become more receptive, but that’s often a passive approach that avoids personal responsibility. If you want fertile ground for your message, you must till the soil yourself. Take accountability for creating an environment where people feel safe to explore new perspectives.

7. Be Willing to Walk Away

Not every conversation will lead to mutual understanding, and that’s okay. Sometimes, the best communication strategy is knowing when to disengage. If a person is unwilling to listen, don’t waste your energy trying to force them. Instead, plant a seed and let time do its work.

The Art of Influence Through Connection

Authentic communication isn’t about winning arguments; it’s about fostering genuine connection. It’s about helping people feel seen, heard, and understood—because when they do, they are far more open to hearing what you have to say. Honor your audience, respect their perspective, approach with curiosity, and communicate with intentionality.

If you can master these principles, you won’t just communicate effectively—you’ll transform the way people think, engage, and interact with you. And that is the true power of authentic communication.

Stop! Prison Bars

You’re having a perfectly communicative conversation progressing without limits, your energy soars as you interact with someone sharing a similar vibration then it happens: The palm of the hand goes up, and they shout,

“Stop.”

Prison bars shoot up from the ground surrounding the person you’re talking to. They grasp the bars tightly and speak between the bars, “Oh, no. I can’t believe that.” Seriously inhibiting any potential conversation which might follow.

“I’m sorry. I… I just can’t.”

Bam! The flow is broken, the vibrational frequency drops, and the intimate heart-connection communion is vacated in an immediate knee-jerk reaction prompted by the sudden realization that one was outside the comfort zone, and your sense of self, safe within the steel cage of belief was at risk.

With our unbridled egos exerting energy 24/7 to protect us, keep us safe, ever limiting our scope and vision… as complex as the world is, with all its attempts to control us, keep us small, separated, and easily manageable, it’s a wonder two people can communicate at all.

It was amazing for as long as it lasted.

It’s easy to imagine unlimited possibilities, that is, until you actually start moving in the direction of the vastness of what unlimited encompasses. It contradicts the safety and security of what we know to be true, trust, or believe on. The things we swaddle ourselves in so tightly that we fear anything that may be outside.

Every once and a while our mind dares to explore what’s out there, only to find infinity to be too frightening to imagine, as we shrink down into ourselves, our human cocoons, refusing the metamorphosis which potentially awaits us.

In my ministry, my default setting is open to unlimited possibility. Not that I maintain that level of openness all the time, I am just like any other human being. Sometimes I get shocked or frightened out there, but it doesn’t take long, and I find my way back out into the wild openness again.

It is an integral part of my life’s work, to be out in the uncharted territory to add increased efficacy in the work that I do, and this brings a great deal of humble satisfaction and personal sense of achievement in all that I do.

There is no doubt that there is so much more to this life than we can see, perceive, or prove by scientific method. In fact, the more science strives to quantify and define all there is to know, the more scientists drill down to the minute details, the more vast and confusing it becomes.

For those of us who are “out there” in the expansiveness of all there is, there is not one of us who will be able to fathom it. The only hope is that by our universal connectivity, that as a group of one, we all will be able to enjoy the oneness of being a part of everything that ever has been, could be, or ever will be.

In the meantime, we honor and cherish those moments we share with other beings who get the idea.

Grok what I mean?

It’s Hard to Talk to People

Being among the evolving awakened can make it more difficult to engage in a positively conducive conversation with someone who is not privy to your enlightened perspective. It’s hard to talk to people as if you’re a stranger in a strange land and only visiting this planet.

You may have a rudimentary recollection, understanding those around you, but they have no idea who you are becoming. You might look the same but you’re quite different, now. You are evolving and your level of understanding is quite different from the standard Earth’s inhabitant at present.

It occurs to you that you might like it if some of your contemporaries could join you on this evolutionary journey, but it’s not the kind of thing you can simply talk someone into because they have no frame of reference and find it extremely difficult to understand the mysteries you have discovered by unlocking them with the secret codes within your evolving DNA.

There is no feasible way to communicate your discoveries in a way the unenlightened can correctly perceive them. Understanding is just not possible unless the divine spark within them begins to energize their own evolutionary process, even then, their growth and expansion will take place in completely different ways than yours, for each awakening and the path which follows is individually unique.

As your life becomes more heart-centric, it becomes easier to see how ego-centric others are, and you can have compassion for them, because that’s how you were, too, prior to your evolutionary awakening. You understand what is happening when you sit amongst a group of people who can talk for hours about all the things wrong with other people and this life.

The ego sees itself as the center of the universe and sees everything outside of itself as being of less value and significance, putting down anything else it can find to make itself (feel) even more superior.

You can observe them asserting their superiority over everything going on around them, the people and things within their circle of influence and those with no connection to them whatsoever. You understand this as the ego, in a sense, trying to justify their lives as being separate from other beings and all things. An effective method of social engineering which has proven to be effective over time. Until awakening, the idea of everyone and everything being part of one and the same (extension of God), and seeing nothing as broken, wrong, bad, or evil in this world, is not likely possible.

Conversationally, your interaction with others will take on a different flavor. You realize that you are but a reflection to others of themselves, for if they find fault with you, are accusatory, or are disrespectful toward you, you understand it has nothing to do with you in the “real world.” They are only responding to seeing the reflection of their own shortcomings, inadequacies, and hidden secrets within themselves. Who could blame them?

They are doing the best they can with what they have, besides they are also part of God, to be loved and honored by you while also being an extension of you, so you can have compassion, empathy, and respect for we are all one.

You have grown and expanded onto the version of who you’ve become so far, and see the universe with a renewed sense of wonder. You can continue to grow, expand, and coexist on a world that may be difficult to relate to at times, without being confused or perplexed by the vast differences in the perceptions of its inhabitants.

This evolutionary process of the human being is in its early stages, and you are blessed to be a part of it. At some point, in the near future when this continued expansion reaches critical mass, the entire world will fall into sacred sync. Until then, you are part of the chosen minority, yet also part of the emerging evolutionary wave of advanced humanity.

You have the ability to compassionately carry on a conversation without judgment because you love, honor, and respect your fellow human beings, who are a pre-evolutionary part of you.

I Didn’t Mean to Be Mean

Have you ever been accused of disrespecting, treating someone poorly, of being mean? Your natural response was, “But I didn’t mean to be mean.” And it’s true you didn’t mean to be mean.

You had no intention of being mean, but you are, being accused of being mean when it was never your intention to be disrespectful or to make anyone feel bad.

First of all, you do not have to accept responsibility for something you never intended to do. Know it is far more likely that the responsibility for the conflict in a situation where you’ve been accused of wrongdoing, like this, has to do with the person who is accusing you of the transgression.

Communication between any two people has the potential for misinterpretation from the get-go. Just because two different people are not unlike aliens from different planets trying to communicate with each other.

Our lives, pasts, and entire world concepts are vastly different, even if we feel like we are like-minded. It’s surprising that any two people can communicate and connect deeply at all.

Some people are just socially inept and hurt other people’s feelings out of ignorance. They have no clue they are saying things that hurt other people’s feelings. They’re just blurting out whatever comes into their mind with no thought of how their delivery might be received.

People who lack the social skills to communicate effectively may be unintentionally offensive, even when they are in the process of learning better social skills, which is awkward at best, as they continue to hurt people’s feelings while they are exercising their communications skill set.

Today, it’s really easy to hurt someone’s feelings unintentionally because we have common methods of communication which do not deliver 70% of the message correctly. You can text someone on your phone, but because the recipient does not have the ability to see your body language, expression on your face, or hear the tone in your voice, can be offended by something you communicated with the best of intentions, or were just being cute or funny.

Sarcasm is potentially hurtful, even face-to-face with full view of the total delivery process. It’s far more potentially misinterpreted via limited communication methods like texting, email, or other social messaging formats.

Then, there are those who have the best intentions. They just want to reach out and help someone in trouble, pain, or struggling.

Sometimes, people just want to share how they are feeling, only needing someone to listen to their expression of their conflict because it helps them release pressure and helps them figure things out for themselves. But you, because you are sensitive, empathetic, or really want to help this person, may try to give advice which is offensive to the person who was just looking for a compassionate ear. Now, you’ve hurt someone’s feelings when you were just trying to help, and you’ve made things worse.

Realizing this can help you to understand what’s going on when your feelings have been hurt by someone who didn’t have any intentions of being mean at all.

Then there are those who are on the path of self-growth. They are learning to hold up their hand and say, “no,” in an effort to set healthy boundaries and protect their sacred space. This can be awkward at first, and it could unintentionally hurt other people’s feelings. Hopefully, they continue to build their communication skills so that it doesn’t seem offensive.

In all honesty, though, there are those who will hurt people on purpose and use the same phrase, “I didn’t mean to be mean,” to cover up the fact that they actually had the full intention of delivering a message they knew would hurt your feelings.

For them, using the “I didn’t mean to be mean,” is a cop-out used as a method to sidestep any responsibility for hurting your feelings when inside they are secretly feeling better or even pleasure from causing you emotional trauma.

Why would someone intentionally want to hurt your feelings?

Offense as Your Defense

Are you commonly offended or feel disrespected by others? In some, if not most cases, the aggression you feel from someone else isn’t so much an offense as your defense. When you feel like you’ve been emotionally assaulted consider looking within. Is there a possibility that the situation is not an offense so much as it is your defense mechanism overreacting?

The basis of this is a hybrid composite of perception and misinterpretation. Your perception is predisposed, locked and loaded, like a shotgun, ready to protect you from any emotional assault because you’ve been hurt in the past.

That which you look for you will find. If you are loaded for fear, you see potential danger everywhere you look and from this perspective, you are most likely to misinterpret just about anything as a potential assault.

As much as you believe you can understand what a person is really thinking, the truth is you can never know what’s going on inside someone’s head, still you look for the potential threat behind the words which is little more than bad mind reading.

Consider that some people just prefer to state the facts and they are quite adept at doing so without anticipating how it might be interpreted by another person to whom the direct response is directed (or overheard by a third-party who doesn’t fully understand the complete framework of the soundbite).

This includes the “Let your yea be yea and your nay be nay”* folks who believe that “yes” and “no” are complete sentences. By not mincing words and just stating the bare statements, assertions, and/or facts, it engenders misinterpretation to fill in the gaps of unspoken words fueled by unintended abruptness.

Then there is also Mr. Or Mrs. Nicely-nice. He or she will do anything to tiptoe around the subject or matter at hand to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings or conflict. These people do not realize that by beating around the bush their attempt to communicate can be interpreted as having something to hide or potentially a hidden agenda, which secretly cancels out their attempts at being perceived as “nice.”

For those who are socially inept, their method(s) of communication can seem rude or abrupt, making you feel as though they are being rude or mean when they are just awkward in their ability to communicate succinctly. They have no idea that their communication is being interpreted negatively, and can’t imagine why someone would not take their words at face value.

If you were to be honest with yourself, you might consider that even you tend to say things in a manner which makes sense to you in all its brevity without considering how it might be received by a listener who does not possess the full understanding of your breadth of knowledge which resides in the knowledge safely locked away inside your mind, yet undisclosed in your statement. You just assume that your audience understands what you’re saying, when nothing could be further from the truth.

When we don’t fully understand what someone is trying to communicate, we tend to fill in the blank spaces with information from our own lives.

If you are in a defensive position, you tend to fill in the blanks with hidden agendas, threats of violence, or other types of potential emotional abuse.

Be open to the idea that people are just people, and for the most part, they are not “out to get you.”

I’m not saying not to be aware, but do not look for demons everywhere, for if you do you can find them anywhere, even if it is not so.

You deserve to live a better life.

* Matthew 5:37

Getting to Know You

When you’re getting to know someone, you are also letting them get to know you better. The best way to do this is to be open, honest, find common ground and communicate with each other as you build a relationship without judgment. Especially in the beginning, it’s best to avoid conversations which can lead to disagreement or conflict.

Not being quick to assume, accuse or judge someone can go a long way in building rapport, so just don’t go there. If you have some pressing thought, idea or question that might be offensive, wait until you have built rapport and get to know each other better. This will also help you to have a better idea about how to approach the idea or question in a way that is respectful of his or her personality and communication style.

If I am getting to know you as a person, you are no threat to me. I am investing my efforts to get to know you better, without you having to prove yourself worthy of my attention or friendship. As I get to know you better, I learn whether I can trust you. If I can, trust develops, and you move closer to my inner circle of relationships.

Invite those you are getting to know to ask questions if anything is unclear about what you are talking about, especially if it is in regard to you or the kind of person that you are. It is common for someone who is harboring an unspoken question to file it away as if it was asked but left unanswered. This figures into their continuum of understanding or judging who you are as a person.

There is no blame associated with this process, it is just how the human brain works. By being open and inviting invitations to query you, the unspoken questions may be addressed and clarified.

When I’m getting to know someone, I like to add value to the conversation by giving them something to think about, challenge them (without overwhelming them) or make them feel a little better than before we exchanged ideas. If it’s appropriate, I might suggest a little homework assignment and invite them to get back to me on how it turned out.

You never know which acquaintances might grow and develop into lifelong friends, so leave the door open for them to reconnect with you again. It might be a good idea to set a date and time for reconnecting at the end of this conversational exchange.

If it sounds like they are uncertain about their schedule or may not feel as though this might be more than what they bargained for, not to worry. Make sure you arm them with a manner by which you can be contacted in the future, if they are feeling like they might like to reconnect or get to know you better later, at a time when it is more convenient for them.

If you’ve been able to garner some valuable insight or nugget of truth from your interaction with this person, by all means, tell him or her. Every interaction between two people has the potential for enlightenment, acknowledging such opens the door for even more. Everyone feels good about lending value to another’s life, even if only in small, otherwise insignificant ways.

So, be on the lookout for something positive in each interaction and chances are you will find something beneficial, helpful, or a thought or idea which raises your enthusiasm or joy.

Take advantage of the digital tools you possess. Exchange email addresses or offer to hook up on social media. This helps to maintain contact or allow this person to reach out to you when the timing is better for him or her.

Not all the people you meet will be a good match for developing a deeper relationship with. In fact, some can even be disadvantageous or harmful. If the new person you’ve met becomes a drain on your resources, then know when to move along.

Some people can be like a black hole of negative energy, draining your and others whenever they are around. There is no judgment here because it’s just the way they are. You cannot change an energy vampire or prevent them from draining your energy but you must find ways to isolate yourself enough so as to not let them drain you and move on.

If you are sensitive and aware enough to identify this person as a potential energy drain at the get-go, there is no need to offer an opportunity to reconnect at a later date. Be polite, trust your instincts and proceed appropriately.

Be gentle with those you choose to move on and away from. Honor them and protect yourself. Be mindful of who they are as a person and have empathy for their plight without exposing yourself too much or offending them.

Many an offended person with low self-esteem has taken to the Internet with false accusations, negative reviews, and public forum bad-mouthing in an attempt to seek revenge for having their feelings hurt.

This is bound to happen occasionally but being mindful and cautious can help you in taking the high road to living a better life, while honoring others who are only doing the best they can with what they have, just like us.