Tag: communication

When Clicks Matter More Than Credibility Becomes Empty Purse

Today I had one of those conversations that stayed with me. Not because it was dramatic. Because it was honest. I was meeting with a client who is active on social media. She had found a story she was about to post. The headline was shocking.

The problem was, it wasn’t actually a news story. It was speculation dressed up as certainty. Designed to provoke. Designed to travel. Designed to make people stop scrolling.

I gently suggested she might not want to post it. “It isn’t really based on fact,” I said. “If people discover that, doesn’t it slowly erode your credibility?”

She didn’t hesitate. “I don’t care.” Then she smiled. “Do you know how much traffic I get on this stuff?”

I appreciated her honesty. Because in that moment she said out loud what much of our culture quietly rewards.

Attention has become a currency. And sometimes it’s worth more than trust. The algorithms don’t ask if something is true. They ask if someone will click.

Outrage performs well. Fear performs well. Suspicion performs well. Half-truths often outperform whole truths. And certainty usually gets more engagement than curiosity.

We’re beginning to live in an economy where integrity doesn’t always pay immediately. That can be discouraging. Especially for people who care about accuracy. But here’s what keeps me thinking.

Traffic isn’t the same thing as trust. Visibility isn’t the same thing as credibility. Influence isn’t the same thing as wisdom.

You can have millions of views and still have very few people who genuinely trust your heart.

Respect grows differently. Respect grows slowly.

    • One honest conversation.
    • One accurate statement.
    • One careful correction.
    • One admission of, “I don’t know.”
    • One decision not to exaggerate.
    • One refusal to pass along something simply because it’s exciting.

Respect is expensive. Clicks are cheap.

The strange thing is that most of us say we want relationships built on trust.

We want leaders with integrity. We want businesses that tell the truth. We want friends who are honest. Yet every day we quietly reward the opposite.

Every click is a tiny vote. Every share says, “Give me more of this.” Whether we realize it or not.

I’m not writing this to criticize my client. I suspect she simply recognized the rules of the current game.

The question is whether those rules deserve to stay. Because every culture eventually becomes what it rewards.

    • If outrage pays better than honesty… we’ll manufacture outrage.
    • If exaggeration pays better than accuracy… we’ll exaggerate.
    • If division pays better than understanding… we’ll divide.

None of that happens overnight. It happens one click at a time.

Jesus once said that where your treasure is, your heart will be also.

I’ve wondered lately if the opposite is equally revealing.

Where our clicks go… our culture follows.

Perhaps integrity has become an empty purse. Or perhaps we’ve simply forgotten how valuable it really is.

The beautiful thing about values is that they don’t need everyone. They begin with one person deciding, “I’d rather be trusted than trending.”

That may not make us famous. But it just might make us someone worth believing.

Q: What’s the Difference Between Being Nice and Being Loving

There is a great deal of confusion that causes unnecessary pain. Many people believe they are being loving when, in reality, they are being nice, and many people believe love should feel gentle all the time, when in truth, love often feels honest first. Niceness seeks approval, love seeks truth, and understanding the difference can change how you relate to everyone in your life, including yourself.

How Niceness Became the Substitute for Love

Niceness is often learned early. It comes from wanting to belong, from wanting to avoid conflict, and learning that keeping others comfortable feels safer than being honest.

Nice people are polite. They’re agreeable. They try not to upset anyone. They smooth things over. They say “yes” when they mean “no,” and they swallow discomfort to keep the peace, and while niceness isn’t malicious, it’s also not courageous, because niceness is driven by fear, fear of rejection, disapproval, or loss of connection.

Love is not.

“Niceness avoids tension.
Love tells the truth.”

What Niceness Does, and Why It Fails

Niceness avoids tension. Love moves through it. Niceness says what will be accepted. Love says what is needed.

Niceness keeps the surface calm, but often allows deeper harm to continue unchallenged. It tolerates behaviors that quietly erode trust, intimacy, and self-respect, all in the name of being “good.”

Over time, niceness breeds resentment. Not because people are ungrateful, but because truth was never invited into the relationship, and relationships built without truth eventually collapse under the weight of what was never said.

What Love Is Willing to Do That Niceness Is Not

Love is willing to risk discomfort for the sake of integrity. Love tells the truth calmly, without cruelty, it sets boundaries without drama. Love names problems without attacking people, and it allows others their reactions without trying to manage them.

“You can be kind without being dishonest.”

Love understands something niceness does not: You can be kind without being dishonest, and you can be compassionate without being passive.

Why Understanding This Difference Is Critical Now

We are living in a time when many people feel exhausted, misunderstood, and quietly resentful, not because they don’t care, but because they’ve been taught to suppress truth in order to appear loving.

But suppression is not connection, silence is not peace, and self-erasure is not kindness.

Love creates safety not by avoiding truth, but by handling it well.

That’s why love can feel firmer than niceness and why it often brings relief, even when it brings tension.

How to Tell Whether You’re Being Nice or Loving

Here’s a simple reflection.

If you’re being nice, you’re probably asking:
“How do I keep everyone comfortable?”

If you’re being loving, you’re more likely asking:
“What is honest, kind, and necessary right now?”

Niceness protects appearances. Love protects what matters.

Niceness wants to be liked. Love wants to be real.

“Love protects what matters.
Niceness protects appearances.”

What Loving Looks Like in Everyday Life

Love doesn’t shout, but it also doesn’t disappear.

It looks like:

      • Saying no without overexplaining
      • Disagreeing without contempt
      • Allowing disappointment without rescuing
      • Speaking truth without needing to win
      • Letting others feel their feelings without absorbing them

Love trusts that real connection can survive honesty. Niceness is not so sure.

Seek Understanding and Clarity

The world does not need more polite silence, it needs people who can be kind and clear, compassionate and truthful, gentle and grounded.

Being nice may keep things smooth for a while, but being loving builds relationships that last, and once you feel the difference, you won’t want to go back.

 

How to Connect, Influence, and Inspire Through Communication

In the realm of communication, authenticity isn’t just a virtue; it’s a necessity. If you want to truly connect with others, share your ideas effectively, and inspire meaningful change, you must first understand the foundational principles of communication. Too often, people rush into conversations armed with their own perspectives, failing to consider the mindset, experience, or emotional state of their audience. This not only creates resistance but also diminishes the potential for real connection.

If you want to communicate effectively, the first rule is simple: honor your audience.

Honoring the Perspective of Your Audience

Communication is about more than just speaking; it’s about being understood. And understanding starts with honoring where the other person is coming from. What is the point of sharing your thoughts with someone who has no framework to comprehend them? It’s like speaking a foreign language without offering translation.

Consider this: if you directly jump into a conversation about a topic you already know your audience is opposed to, you are setting the stage for conflict. When people feel attacked or misunderstood, their instinct is to defend their beliefs and build walls rather than bridges. Instead of opening the doors to new ideas, you may only be reinforcing the ones that already exist.

If your goal is to communicate, not just broadcast, you must approach the conversation with compassion and strategic awareness. Before you engage, take time to understand the perspectives, concerns, and beliefs of those you wish to reach. Only when you truly understand their position can you effectively present your message in a way that resonates.

Effective Communication Strategies

1. Respect Precedes Reception

Respect is the foundation of all meaningful conversations. You must first respect the people you are communicating with—not just by listening, but by demonstrating that their views matter. If you can show them that their perspective has value, they will be far more likely to extend the same courtesy to you.

2. Know Your Audience

How can you expect someone to engage with your message if you have no idea where they stand? Before entering a conversation, take time to assess:

    • What does this person believe about the topic?
    • What emotions might they have attached to it?
    • Are they open to new ideas, or are they deeply entrenched in their beliefs?

Tip: If possible, engage in some preliminary conversation. Ask open-ended questions to understand their stance before launching into your message.

3. Approach with Curiosity, Not Condemnation

If you enter a conversation with an attitude of “I’m here to prove you wrong,” you have already lost. Instead, approach with curiosity. Ask questions that encourage self-reflection rather than defensiveness.

For example, instead of saying:

“You’re completely wrong about this.”

Try:

“That’s an interesting perspective. What led you to that conclusion?”

This small shift invites dialogue rather than debate.

4. Choose Your Presentation Wisely

Once you have a compassionate understanding of your audience’s perspective, you can choose the best way to present your ideas. Some people respond best to logic and data; others connect through personal stories or emotional appeals. Tailor your approach to suit the person in front of you.

5. Avoid Triggering Defensive Reactions

Once you offend your audience and put them on the defensive, the conversation is over. Their minds shut down, and their primary focus becomes self-protection rather than understanding. Be mindful of your tone, your choice of words, and your body language.

Tip: If you sense that someone is getting defensive, pause. Shift the focus of the conversation to something neutral before returning to the topic at hand.

6. Don’t Rely on Divine Intervention to Do the Work for You

It’s easy to hope and pray that people will suddenly become more receptive, but that’s often a passive approach that avoids personal responsibility. If you want fertile ground for your message, you must till the soil yourself. Take accountability for creating an environment where people feel safe to explore new perspectives.

7. Be Willing to Walk Away

Not every conversation will lead to mutual understanding, and that’s okay. Sometimes, the best communication strategy is knowing when to disengage. If a person is unwilling to listen, don’t waste your energy trying to force them. Instead, plant a seed and let time do its work.

The Art of Influence Through Connection

Authentic communication isn’t about winning arguments; it’s about fostering genuine connection. It’s about helping people feel seen, heard, and understood—because when they do, they are far more open to hearing what you have to say. Honor your audience, respect their perspective, approach with curiosity, and communicate with intentionality.

If you can master these principles, you won’t just communicate effectively—you’ll transform the way people think, engage, and interact with you. And that is the true power of authentic communication.

Stop! Prison Bars

You’re having a perfectly communicative conversation progressing without limits, your energy soars as you interact with someone sharing a similar vibration then it happens: The palm of the hand goes up, and they shout,

“Stop.”

Prison bars shoot up from the ground surrounding the person you’re talking to. They grasp the bars tightly and speak between the bars, “Oh, no. I can’t believe that.” Seriously inhibiting any potential conversation which might follow.

“I’m sorry. I… I just can’t.”

Bam! The flow is broken, the vibrational frequency drops, and the intimate heart-connection communion is vacated in an immediate knee-jerk reaction prompted by the sudden realization that one was outside the comfort zone, and your sense of self, safe within the steel cage of belief was at risk.

With our unbridled egos exerting energy 24/7 to protect us, keep us safe, ever limiting our scope and vision… as complex as the world is, with all its attempts to control us, keep us small, separated, and easily manageable, it’s a wonder two people can communicate at all.

It was amazing for as long as it lasted.

It’s easy to imagine unlimited possibilities, that is, until you actually start moving in the direction of the vastness of what unlimited encompasses. It contradicts the safety and security of what we know to be true, trust, or believe on. The things we swaddle ourselves in so tightly that we fear anything that may be outside.

Every once and a while our mind dares to explore what’s out there, only to find infinity to be too frightening to imagine, as we shrink down into ourselves, our human cocoons, refusing the metamorphosis which potentially awaits us.

In my ministry, my default setting is open to unlimited possibility. Not that I maintain that level of openness all the time, I am just like any other human being. Sometimes I get shocked or frightened out there, but it doesn’t take long, and I find my way back out into the wild openness again.

It is an integral part of my life’s work, to be out in the uncharted territory to add increased efficacy in the work that I do, and this brings a great deal of humble satisfaction and personal sense of achievement in all that I do.

There is no doubt that there is so much more to this life than we can see, perceive, or prove by scientific method. In fact, the more science strives to quantify and define all there is to know, the more scientists drill down to the minute details, the more vast and confusing it becomes.

For those of us who are “out there” in the expansiveness of all there is, there is not one of us who will be able to fathom it. The only hope is that by our universal connectivity, that as a group of one, we all will be able to enjoy the oneness of being a part of everything that ever has been, could be, or ever will be.

In the meantime, we honor and cherish those moments we share with other beings who get the idea.

Grok what I mean?

It’s Hard to Talk to People

Being among the evolving awakened can make it more difficult to engage in a positively conducive conversation with someone who is not privy to your enlightened perspective. It’s hard to talk to people as if you’re a stranger in a strange land and only visiting this planet.

You may have a rudimentary recollection, understanding those around you, but they have no idea who you are becoming. You might look the same but you’re quite different, now. You are evolving and your level of understanding is quite different from the standard Earth’s inhabitant at present.

It occurs to you that you might like it if some of your contemporaries could join you on this evolutionary journey, but it’s not the kind of thing you can simply talk someone into because they have no frame of reference and find it extremely difficult to understand the mysteries you have discovered by unlocking them with the secret codes within your evolving DNA.

There is no feasible way to communicate your discoveries in a way the unenlightened can correctly perceive them. Understanding is just not possible unless the divine spark within them begins to energize their own evolutionary process, even then, their growth and expansion will take place in completely different ways than yours, for each awakening and the path which follows is individually unique.

As your life becomes more heart-centric, it becomes easier to see how ego-centric others are, and you can have compassion for them, because that’s how you were, too, prior to your evolutionary awakening. You understand what is happening when you sit amongst a group of people who can talk for hours about all the things wrong with other people and this life.

The ego sees itself as the center of the universe and sees everything outside of itself as being of less value and significance, putting down anything else it can find to make itself (feel) even more superior.

You can observe them asserting their superiority over everything going on around them, the people and things within their circle of influence and those with no connection to them whatsoever. You understand this as the ego, in a sense, trying to justify their lives as being separate from other beings and all things. An effective method of social engineering which has proven to be effective over time. Until awakening, the idea of everyone and everything being part of one and the same (extension of God), and seeing nothing as broken, wrong, bad, or evil in this world, is not likely possible.

Conversationally, your interaction with others will take on a different flavor. You realize that you are but a reflection to others of themselves, for if they find fault with you, are accusatory, or are disrespectful toward you, you understand it has nothing to do with you in the “real world.” They are only responding to seeing the reflection of their own shortcomings, inadequacies, and hidden secrets within themselves. Who could blame them?

They are doing the best they can with what they have, besides they are also part of God, to be loved and honored by you while also being an extension of you, so you can have compassion, empathy, and respect for we are all one.

You have grown and expanded onto the version of who you’ve become so far, and see the universe with a renewed sense of wonder. You can continue to grow, expand, and coexist on a world that may be difficult to relate to at times, without being confused or perplexed by the vast differences in the perceptions of its inhabitants.

This evolutionary process of the human being is in its early stages, and you are blessed to be a part of it. At some point, in the near future when this continued expansion reaches critical mass, the entire world will fall into sacred sync. Until then, you are part of the chosen minority, yet also part of the emerging evolutionary wave of advanced humanity.

You have the ability to compassionately carry on a conversation without judgment because you love, honor, and respect your fellow human beings, who are a pre-evolutionary part of you.

I Didn’t Mean to Be Mean

Have you ever been accused of disrespecting, treating someone poorly, of being mean? Your natural response was, “But I didn’t mean to be mean.” And it’s true you didn’t mean to be mean.

You had no intention of being mean, but you are, being accused of being mean when it was never your intention to be disrespectful or to make anyone feel bad.

First of all, you do not have to accept responsibility for something you never intended to do. Know it is far more likely that the responsibility for the conflict in a situation where you’ve been accused of wrongdoing, like this, has to do with the person who is accusing you of the transgression.

Communication between any two people has the potential for misinterpretation from the get-go. Just because two different people are not unlike aliens from different planets trying to communicate with each other.

Our lives, pasts, and entire world concepts are vastly different, even if we feel like we are like-minded. It’s surprising that any two people can communicate and connect deeply at all.

Some people are just socially inept and hurt other people’s feelings out of ignorance. They have no clue they are saying things that hurt other people’s feelings. They’re just blurting out whatever comes into their mind with no thought of how their delivery might be received.

People who lack the social skills to communicate effectively may be unintentionally offensive, even when they are in the process of learning better social skills, which is awkward at best, as they continue to hurt people’s feelings while they are exercising their communications skill set.

Today, it’s really easy to hurt someone’s feelings unintentionally because we have common methods of communication which do not deliver 70% of the message correctly. You can text someone on your phone, but because the recipient does not have the ability to see your body language, expression on your face, or hear the tone in your voice, can be offended by something you communicated with the best of intentions, or were just being cute or funny.

Sarcasm is potentially hurtful, even face-to-face with full view of the total delivery process. It’s far more potentially misinterpreted via limited communication methods like texting, email, or other social messaging formats.

Then, there are those who have the best intentions. They just want to reach out and help someone in trouble, pain, or struggling.

Sometimes, people just want to share how they are feeling, only needing someone to listen to their expression of their conflict because it helps them release pressure and helps them figure things out for themselves. But you, because you are sensitive, empathetic, or really want to help this person, may try to give advice which is offensive to the person who was just looking for a compassionate ear. Now, you’ve hurt someone’s feelings when you were just trying to help, and you’ve made things worse.

Realizing this can help you to understand what’s going on when your feelings have been hurt by someone who didn’t have any intentions of being mean at all.

Then there are those who are on the path of self-growth. They are learning to hold up their hand and say, “no,” in an effort to set healthy boundaries and protect their sacred space. This can be awkward at first, and it could unintentionally hurt other people’s feelings. Hopefully, they continue to build their communication skills so that it doesn’t seem offensive.

In all honesty, though, there are those who will hurt people on purpose and use the same phrase, “I didn’t mean to be mean,” to cover up the fact that they actually had the full intention of delivering a message they knew would hurt your feelings.

For them, using the “I didn’t mean to be mean,” is a cop-out used as a method to sidestep any responsibility for hurting your feelings when inside they are secretly feeling better or even pleasure from causing you emotional trauma.

Why would someone intentionally want to hurt your feelings?

Offense as Your Defense

Are you commonly offended or feel disrespected by others? In some, if not most cases, the aggression you feel from someone else isn’t so much an offense as your defense. When you feel like you’ve been emotionally assaulted consider looking within. Is there a possibility that the situation is not an offense so much as it is your defense mechanism overreacting?

The basis of this is a hybrid composite of perception and misinterpretation. Your perception is predisposed, locked and loaded, like a shotgun, ready to protect you from any emotional assault because you’ve been hurt in the past.

That which you look for you will find. If you are loaded for fear, you see potential danger everywhere you look and from this perspective, you are most likely to misinterpret just about anything as a potential assault.

As much as you believe you can understand what a person is really thinking, the truth is you can never know what’s going on inside someone’s head, still you look for the potential threat behind the words which is little more than bad mind reading.

Consider that some people just prefer to state the facts and they are quite adept at doing so without anticipating how it might be interpreted by another person to whom the direct response is directed (or overheard by a third-party who doesn’t fully understand the complete framework of the soundbite).

This includes the “Let your yea be yea and your nay be nay”* folks who believe that “yes” and “no” are complete sentences. By not mincing words and just stating the bare statements, assertions, and/or facts, it engenders misinterpretation to fill in the gaps of unspoken words fueled by unintended abruptness.

Then there is also Mr. Or Mrs. Nicely-nice. He or she will do anything to tiptoe around the subject or matter at hand to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings or conflict. These people do not realize that by beating around the bush their attempt to communicate can be interpreted as having something to hide or potentially a hidden agenda, which secretly cancels out their attempts at being perceived as “nice.”

For those who are socially inept, their method(s) of communication can seem rude or abrupt, making you feel as though they are being rude or mean when they are just awkward in their ability to communicate succinctly. They have no idea that their communication is being interpreted negatively, and can’t imagine why someone would not take their words at face value.

If you were to be honest with yourself, you might consider that even you tend to say things in a manner which makes sense to you in all its brevity without considering how it might be received by a listener who does not possess the full understanding of your breadth of knowledge which resides in the knowledge safely locked away inside your mind, yet undisclosed in your statement. You just assume that your audience understands what you’re saying, when nothing could be further from the truth.

When we don’t fully understand what someone is trying to communicate, we tend to fill in the blank spaces with information from our own lives.

If you are in a defensive position, you tend to fill in the blanks with hidden agendas, threats of violence, or other types of potential emotional abuse.

Be open to the idea that people are just people, and for the most part, they are not “out to get you.”

I’m not saying not to be aware, but do not look for demons everywhere, for if you do you can find them anywhere, even if it is not so.

You deserve to live a better life.

* Matthew 5:37

Getting to Know You

When you’re getting to know someone, you are also letting them get to know you better. The best way to do this is to be open, honest, find common ground and communicate with each other as you build a relationship without judgment. Especially in the beginning, it’s best to avoid conversations which can lead to disagreement or conflict.

Not being quick to assume, accuse or judge someone can go a long way in building rapport, so just don’t go there. If you have some pressing thought, idea or question that might be offensive, wait until you have built rapport and get to know each other better. This will also help you to have a better idea about how to approach the idea or question in a way that is respectful of his or her personality and communication style.

If I am getting to know you as a person, you are no threat to me. I am investing my efforts to get to know you better, without you having to prove yourself worthy of my attention or friendship. As I get to know you better, I learn whether I can trust you. If I can, trust develops, and you move closer to my inner circle of relationships.

Invite those you are getting to know to ask questions if anything is unclear about what you are talking about, especially if it is in regard to you or the kind of person that you are. It is common for someone who is harboring an unspoken question to file it away as if it was asked but left unanswered. This figures into their continuum of understanding or judging who you are as a person.

There is no blame associated with this process, it is just how the human brain works. By being open and inviting invitations to query you, the unspoken questions may be addressed and clarified.

When I’m getting to know someone, I like to add value to the conversation by giving them something to think about, challenge them (without overwhelming them) or make them feel a little better than before we exchanged ideas. If it’s appropriate, I might suggest a little homework assignment and invite them to get back to me on how it turned out.

You never know which acquaintances might grow and develop into lifelong friends, so leave the door open for them to reconnect with you again. It might be a good idea to set a date and time for reconnecting at the end of this conversational exchange.

If it sounds like they are uncertain about their schedule or may not feel as though this might be more than what they bargained for, not to worry. Make sure you arm them with a manner by which you can be contacted in the future, if they are feeling like they might like to reconnect or get to know you better later, at a time when it is more convenient for them.

If you’ve been able to garner some valuable insight or nugget of truth from your interaction with this person, by all means, tell him or her. Every interaction between two people has the potential for enlightenment, acknowledging such opens the door for even more. Everyone feels good about lending value to another’s life, even if only in small, otherwise insignificant ways.

So, be on the lookout for something positive in each interaction and chances are you will find something beneficial, helpful, or a thought or idea which raises your enthusiasm or joy.

Take advantage of the digital tools you possess. Exchange email addresses or offer to hook up on social media. This helps to maintain contact or allow this person to reach out to you when the timing is better for him or her.

Not all the people you meet will be a good match for developing a deeper relationship with. In fact, some can even be disadvantageous or harmful. If the new person you’ve met becomes a drain on your resources, then know when to move along.

Some people can be like a black hole of negative energy, draining your and others whenever they are around. There is no judgment here because it’s just the way they are. You cannot change an energy vampire or prevent them from draining your energy but you must find ways to isolate yourself enough so as to not let them drain you and move on.

If you are sensitive and aware enough to identify this person as a potential energy drain at the get-go, there is no need to offer an opportunity to reconnect at a later date. Be polite, trust your instincts and proceed appropriately.

Be gentle with those you choose to move on and away from. Honor them and protect yourself. Be mindful of who they are as a person and have empathy for their plight without exposing yourself too much or offending them.

Many an offended person with low self-esteem has taken to the Internet with false accusations, negative reviews, and public forum bad-mouthing in an attempt to seek revenge for having their feelings hurt.

This is bound to happen occasionally but being mindful and cautious can help you in taking the high road to living a better life, while honoring others who are only doing the best they can with what they have, just like us.

Loving How to Communicate in Love

Heartfelt communication can make the difference between sweet love and love crisis in love and romance. How you share those most important issues any normal couple faces amidst your love life makes all the difference in love and loving. How to communicate in love with compassion is the doorway leading to the next level in your love’s exponential potential.

Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt created a loving technique which helps you understand how to communicate in love and relationships called the Imalgo Dialogue or “safe conversation.” This is a process of moving through communicative exchange between two people which engenders loving how to communicate in love.

Here is a basic structure you can follow to experience what it is like to engage in the loving communication model.

Let’s say your partner has something important to say to you. If you want to use this safe conversation model to have a deeper level of connection and communication with your partner, oversimplified, it would go something, like this:

1. Tell me about it.

Allow your partner to tell his or her story.

2. That’s interesting. What else?

Now, you’re inviting your partner to delve deeper into their story.

3. How does that make you feel?

This is safely inviting your partner to share how they feel, which is often overlooked in conversation, unless it is exposed when negative communication styles erupt emotionally.

4. Is there more?

Let’s face it, we’re all a little protective about how we feel. This is a safely guarded spot in our heart, where we hide our feelings. Being invited by your partner to express any underlying, deeper emotion, is not only increasing your connection, it also enables you to examine and rationalize what might be underneath why you are feeling the way you’re feeling.

5. Let me see if I’ve got that.

This is when you restate your partner’s story, and how they feel about the issue at hand in your own words, trying to see it from his or her point of view, including how he or she feels about it.

6. Is that right?

This invites your partner to make any corrections to your attempt to understand his or her point of view. Let hi or her correct you, then repeat go back to step 5. Repeat as necessary, until your partner indicates that you have a good understanding of his or her perspective and feelings regarding the topic at hand.

7. Is there more?

This introduces a loop back to step 4 which might appear to be redundant but actually, your partner has often uncovered more about the topic of this discussion, discovered new information, and found links to other emotional issues from the past. There may be new information to share.

When all is said and done, you can lovingly let your partner know,

“I see how that make sense. And understanding that, I see that it could make you feel…” fully supporting him or her without interrupting, challenging, or judgment. This is compassion in action.

You can find out more about the Imalgo Dialogue in Getting the Love You Want, A Guide for Couples by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt.

See you at the Soulmate Wizardry event.

It’s Not What You Say It’s How You Say It

Ever try to talk to someone, expressing an opinion that the person you’re talking to is not getting it? Not only is this person not getting it, they may have a completely opposite point of view. Once you’ve determined the person is not receptive to what you have to say, you might consider to assert yourself risking a full on debate which could lead to war, or clam up and walk away in an effort to avoid any potential conflict.

It’s Not What You Say,
It’s How You Say It

On the other hand, you can assert your ideas, concepts, and beliefs in such as way so as not to alienate the person (or people) you are trying to express your ideals to. I think finding a way to speak your truth is important. You need to say what you need to say but say it in a way that it won’t turn someone away.

You need to possess the self-confidence to assert yourself in certain circumstances. For sensitive or introverted personality types this can be a challenge. For those who are more sensitive, you need to get a grip on who you are. You are an amazing person who has been blessed with the opportunity to be here. You have accepted the life challenge which has brought you to this place and time to say what you want to say. It’s up to you to accept the challenge and speak your piece.

You are a unique individual who has come to this planet a purpose, message, passion, and mission to share and fulfill. You came here with special skills and abilities, everything you could possibly need to achieve your highest and best, live a better life, your best life, and make the world a better place. Step into who you know you are and boldly go forth into the world, ready and willing to speak up when it is necessary or prudent.

It takes courage, and you can prepare for this higher level of sharing by practicing your sharing skills in private. Yes, just you and your mirror, or record your own audio and/or video. Review your delivery, and tweak accordingly. This can be a huge confidence-builder in terms of strengthening your assertion skills. Practice is good.

Defending your position, when you’re faced with someone with an opposing view is tricky business. This is where most people fall apart, isolate their audience, potentially bully, and prevent any hope of meaningful conversation. If you assert yourself too forcefully, the person you’re talking to is either going to post up for a debate or shut down. Anything you say after that is falling on dead ears and is not only a waste of your time; it is counterproductive because your defense tactic is too offensive. You’ve potentially hurt their feelings, bullied them, repelled your audience and sent them (metaphorically) running in the opposite direction that you intended.

Be mindful of the delivery of your message. Don’t raise your voice when you’re approached with opposing views, or use words or phrases that will alienate or put the person you’re trying to talk to on the defensive, such as tossing shoulds at your audience. “You should,” causes the person to position for battle. No one likes to be told what they “should” do, and just as importantly avoid using should-related terms, like shouldn’t, must, mustn’t, need to, has to, only if, or only when.

Awfulizing statements (a phrase coined by Albert Ellis) refers to words and phrases associated with the word “awful” which causes your audience to put on their armor and prepare for battle. Awfulizing uses the word “awful,” as wells as other words and phrases like terrible, horrible, it bothers me, I can’t stand it when, or I hate it, etc…

Don’t punish your listener by framing your message with punishment, even if it’s directed to others outside of the conversation. This is a sensitive topic of conversation which causes the listener to reach for weapons to ready themselves for battle, so avoid saying someone deserves to be punished, should be “taught a lesson,” or needs to know what it feels like. Including the damnation of others, or yourself.

Also avoid using constrictive or limiting words that are 100% exclusive, allowing no other possibilities, such as always or never.

Be open and honest without being offensive. You don’t have to be rude or resort to name-calling. Just say what you mean without compromising but do it in a kind and gentle manner. Assert yourself while remaining calm and centered as you share your message as you are being courteous, compassionate, and use a tender tone of voice, without having to be aggressive or disrespectful to your audience.

Try to speak the language of the person that you’re trying to talk to. Try to see your message from their point of view. Imagine what if might like to be this person, having lived the life they lived, dealing with circumstances and situation, which you may have no reference to. Consider having walked a mile in this person’s shoes. Then think about what presentation might be the best approach for trying to compassionately communicate with someone like this.

Listen to your audience’s opposing view with compassion, essentially seeing it with their eyes, from their point of view. Seek to understand first, then ask yourself, “If I were this person, what would I need to hear?” How would you need to hear it in order to be the most receptive?

It’s so important to say what you need to say, because if you don’t you give away your power and deny your divinity, So, say what you need to say but say it in way that you can continue to achieve your highest and best, live a better life, your best life, and make the world a better place.