Tag: trust

Maybe You Don’t Need to Ask the Question

There was a time when I placed an enormous amount of importance on people telling me the truth. Honesty. Openness. Integrity. These things mattered to me. They still do. But after nearly a lifetime of being invited into some of the darkest, most private, occasionally unbelievable recesses of people’s lives, I’ve learned something about human beings. People lie. Good people lie. Honest people sometimes lie. People who love you may lie to you.

People lie because they’re afraid. They lie because they’re embarrassed. They lie because they haven’t forgiven themselves yet. They lie because they don’t know how you’ll respond. Sometimes they lie because they don’t know the truth themselves. And sometimes what we call lying is another person desperately trying to protect a room inside themselves that they aren’t ready to open.

That doesn’t make dishonesty good. It doesn’t mean deception should be tolerated when truth is necessary to the health or safety of a relationship. But it has changed the way I ask questions.

These days, before asking someone something deeply personal, I sometimes think:

Would I be disappointed if they lied to me?

That’s an interesting question. Because if the answer is yes, another question immediately follows.

Then do I really need to ask?

Maybe I don’t.

Curiosity Does Not Create Entitlement

We can become curious about something another person has experienced and unconsciously decide that our curiosity gives us a right to know. It doesn’t.

People have sacred spaces. There are memories they may not want to revisit. Experiences they haven’t figured out. Things they regret. Things they don’t understand. Things they may someday tell us. And things they may never tell anyone.

That space belongs to them.

One of the unexpected expressions of wisdom may be learning to stand outside that door without knocking. Not because we don’t care. Because we do.

Every Question Creates a Moment

Suppose there’s something you suspect about someone you love. You could ask.

Maybe they’ll

    • tell you the truth
    • lie
    • tell you half the truth
    • become defensive
    • feel exposed
    • answer honestly and you’ll discover you weren’t prepared for the answer.

Suddenly something that wasn’t damaging the relationship five minutes ago is sitting at the dinner table with both of you.

What did we gain? Sometimes quite a lot.

There are questions that need to be asked. There are things that truly matter, like

    • Safety
    • Consent
    • Commitments
    • Health
    • Finances
    • Faithfulness

Anything materially affecting another person’s ability to make informed choices may require uncomfortable truth.

Love isn’t an excuse for avoiding reality. But there are other questions whose answers change almost nothing. Except perhaps the relationship. Those deserve another moment of consideration.

You Can Leave the Door Open

Something wonderful happens when people discover they don’t have to defend themselves around you. They start talking. Maybe not today. Maybe not next Tuesday. But trust has an interesting way of opening doors that interrogation keeps locked.

You don’t necessarily have to extract someone’s story. You can become a person with whom the story feels safe. That’s different. And it requires patience.

Maybe

    • the answer eventually arrives while you’re driving somewhere
    • it appears over coffee three years later
    • one evening they look at you and say, “There’s something I’ve wanted to tell you.”

And because you never demanded it, they’re finally able to give it freely.

Or maybe they never tell you. Then what?

Well…

Did you

    • love them?
    • enjoy their company?
    • laugh together?
    • encourage one another?
    • build something beautiful?
    • become better human beings because you knew each other?

Then perhaps nothing was missing.

Connection Is Not an Investigation

I think we sometimes approach relationships as though intimacy means knowing everything. I’m no longer convinced that’s true.

Maybe intimacy is not having access to every room. Maybe intimacy is knowing there are rooms you haven’t entered and loving the person anyway.

That’s a different kind of trust. It doesn’t require blindness. It requires discernment.

There will always be questions worth asking. There will always be truths worth pursuing. And there will certainly be moments when someone’s deception must be confronted. But wisdom doesn’t only teach us how to ask better questions.

Sometimes wisdom whispers,

You don’t need to ask this one.

Let it go. Give them their sacred space. Keep walking together.

If the answer needs to become part of your relationship, perhaps someday it will. Meanwhile, you’ve protected something precious.

    • Momentum
    • Dignity
    • Safety
    • Connection

The growing confidence that neither person must live under interrogation to remain loved.

Maybe that’s what leading with love occasionally looks like. Not knowing everything. Not demanding everything. Not resolving everything. Just leaving one door closed… and making sure the person on the other side knows they’re still welcome in your life.

FAQ

Should people in a relationship tell each other everything?

Healthy intimacy does not necessarily require complete access to every memory, thought, or experience. People can maintain personal boundaries while remaining loving, honest, and deeply connected.

Is privacy the same as secrecy in a relationship?

Not necessarily. Privacy preserves personal space and autonomy. Secrecy becomes more concerning when withheld information materially affects another person’s choices, safety, commitments, or wellbeing.

Why do people lie when asked personal questions?

Fear, shame, embarrassment, uncertainty, self-protection, and concern about another person’s reaction can all influence how someone responds to a deeply personal question.

How do you know whether to ask a difficult question?

Consider why you need the information and what you intend to do with it. If the answer materially affects safety, consent, health, finances, faithfulness, or an important commitment, the question may need to be asked. If it primarily satisfies curiosity, allowing privacy may sometimes serve the relationship better.

Can giving someone privacy actually build trust?

Yes. Knowing that personal disclosure will not be demanded can create emotional safety. Sometimes people voluntarily share more when they know they are free not to.

 

When Clicks Matter More Than Credibility Becomes Empty Purse

Today I had one of those conversations that stayed with me. Not because it was dramatic. Because it was honest. I was meeting with a client who is active on social media. She had found a story she was about to post. The headline was shocking.

The problem was, it wasn’t actually a news story. It was speculation dressed up as certainty. Designed to provoke. Designed to travel. Designed to make people stop scrolling.

I gently suggested she might not want to post it. “It isn’t really based on fact,” I said. “If people discover that, doesn’t it slowly erode your credibility?”

She didn’t hesitate. “I don’t care.” Then she smiled. “Do you know how much traffic I get on this stuff?”

I appreciated her honesty. Because in that moment she said out loud what much of our culture quietly rewards.

Attention has become a currency. And sometimes it’s worth more than trust. The algorithms don’t ask if something is true. They ask if someone will click.

Outrage performs well. Fear performs well. Suspicion performs well. Half-truths often outperform whole truths. And certainty usually gets more engagement than curiosity.

We’re beginning to live in an economy where integrity doesn’t always pay immediately. That can be discouraging. Especially for people who care about accuracy. But here’s what keeps me thinking.

Traffic isn’t the same thing as trust. Visibility isn’t the same thing as credibility. Influence isn’t the same thing as wisdom.

You can have millions of views and still have very few people who genuinely trust your heart.

Respect grows differently. Respect grows slowly.

    • One honest conversation.
    • One accurate statement.
    • One careful correction.
    • One admission of, “I don’t know.”
    • One decision not to exaggerate.
    • One refusal to pass along something simply because it’s exciting.

Respect is expensive. Clicks are cheap.

The strange thing is that most of us say we want relationships built on trust.

We want leaders with integrity. We want businesses that tell the truth. We want friends who are honest. Yet every day we quietly reward the opposite.

Every click is a tiny vote. Every share says, “Give me more of this.” Whether we realize it or not.

I’m not writing this to criticize my client. I suspect she simply recognized the rules of the current game.

The question is whether those rules deserve to stay. Because every culture eventually becomes what it rewards.

    • If outrage pays better than honesty… we’ll manufacture outrage.
    • If exaggeration pays better than accuracy… we’ll exaggerate.
    • If division pays better than understanding… we’ll divide.

None of that happens overnight. It happens one click at a time.

Jesus once said that where your treasure is, your heart will be also.

I’ve wondered lately if the opposite is equally revealing.

Where our clicks go… our culture follows.

Perhaps integrity has become an empty purse. Or perhaps we’ve simply forgotten how valuable it really is.

The beautiful thing about values is that they don’t need everyone. They begin with one person deciding, “I’d rather be trusted than trending.”

That may not make us famous. But it just might make us someone worth believing.

How Can I Recover from Being Betrayed By Someone I Trusted?!

Betrayal is a wound that cuts deep, especially from someone you love or trust—a lover, friend, relative, or co-worker. When someone breaks a promise that holds significant meaning, the resulting pain can feel overwhelming, leaving you feeling victimized, hurt, and perhaps even lost. However, I believe that every experience, even the most painful ones, offers an opportunity for growth and a deeper understanding of our spiritual journey.

The first step in healing is acknowledging the depth of your pain. Allow yourself to fully feel the emotions that arise—anger, sadness, confusion, and even despair. Bottling up these feelings or pretending they don’t exist can only prolong your suffering. Give yourself permission to grieve the loss of trust and the broken promise. In this process, remember that your emotions are valid and necessary for your healing.

Every event in our lives serves a purpose, even the painful ones. While seeing the good in betrayal might be challenging, try to view the incident as a catalyst for personal and spiritual growth. Ask yourself: What can I learn from this experience? How can this challenge help me grow closer to my true self and God?

Reframing the incident as a spiritual lesson, you shift from being a victim to actively participating in your healing. This doesn’t mean justifying or excusing the betrayal but finding meaning and purpose in your response to it.

Forgiveness is central to faith, yet it’s often misunderstood. Forgiving someone who has wronged you does not mean condoning their actions or minimizing the hurt they’ve caused. Instead, it’s about releasing yourself from the burden of anger, resentment, and bitterness. Radical forgiveness goes beyond traditional notions of forgiveness; it involves recognizing that the person who betrayed you is also on their own spiritual journey, with their own wounds and challenges.

Begin by acknowledging the pain they’ve caused, then consciously choose to release that pain. This can be done through prayer, meditation, or simply a heartfelt intention. Ask for God’s help in forgiving, knowing that forgiveness is a process and may take time.

Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to allow them back into your life in the same way. Setting healthy boundaries is important to protect your emotional and spiritual well-being. This might mean limiting contact with the person or redefining the nature of your relationship. Boundaries are not about punishment but about self-care and honoring your worth.

Leaning on your faith can provide immense comfort and strength in times of betrayal. Engage in spiritual practices that help you feel connected to God and to your inner wisdom. These might include prayer, meditation, reading Scripture, volunteering, or spending time in nature. Surround yourself with positive influences—people, books, and environments that uplift your spirit.

Consider incorporating practices such as visualization or affirmations to reinforce your healing. Visualize yourself surrounded by God’s love and light, and affirm that you are worthy of trust, love, and respect.

Healing from betrayal is not something you have to do alone. Reach out to a trusted friend, spiritual advisor, or coach who can offer guidance and support. Sometimes, sharing your story and receiving compassionate feedback can be incredibly healing. A supportive community can also help you gain perspective and remind you that you are not alone in your struggles.

As you heal, remember that love and compassion are powerful tools in your spiritual arsenal. Extend love and compassion not only to the person who betrayed you but also to yourself. Self-compassion is essential—be gentle with yourself as you navigate your emotions and take the time to heal.

In moments of stillness, meditate on the love of Christ, who forgave even those who wronged Him deeply. Let His example inspire you to rise above the pain and choose love, even in the face of betrayal.

Finally, trust that everything unfolds according to divine timing and purpose. The betrayal you experienced may have been painful, but it also holds the potential to lead you to greater wisdom, strength, and spiritual maturity. Trust that God is guiding you through this experience and that, in time, you will emerge stronger and more aligned with your true purpose.

Betrayal is never easy, but it can become a powerful force for transformation with the proper perspective. You can find healing and peace by acknowledging your pain, reframing the incident, practicing radical forgiveness, setting boundaries, and leaning on your faith. Remember that you are not alone—God’s love is always with you, guiding you toward wholeness and light.

Higher Perspective of Trust Betrayal

When dealing the effects and aftereffects of broken trust, betrayal, unfaithfulness, having suffered at the hands of cheaters and liars, or being victimized manipulative predators or psychopaths, it’s natural to take it personally, but there is a higher perspective of trust betrayal.

When you’ve trusted someone and they betray you, you conjure up a symphony of wild emotions which are all chained together with all the times you’ve ever been betrayed. Every betrayal is worse than the last as the cascading emotional flood ensues.

Under these conditions, it’s easy to lose control of your faculties as you protest profusely for trusting someone who couldn’t be trusted, and you are hurt so very deeply.

What can you do?

You could choose to forgive. Forgiveness releases you from the victimization, but it doesn’t mean you must tolerate the betrayal. Forgiving your transgressor means you’re willing to not harbor ill will or seek retaliation or revenge. Forgiveness frees you from most of the negative impact but does not excuse their behavior and you needn’t submit yourself to putting yourself in a weakened position of having to allow the person who hurt you to continue to do so.

Forgiveness releases you from being the victim as you realize that while you can love or trust someone sometimes people are not able to maintain the same level of trust that you are able to have in others. You retain the learnings from the episodic adventure, hopefully discovering what part you played in the twisted tryst and become a better person for having survived such an affair.

As a victim of trust betrayal, it is easy to assign blame. You can blame the other person for doing you wrong, but this only prolongs your suffering. Accepting the blame, yourself, seeing the part you played in this betrayal of trust and taking full responsibility empowers you to be free from the whole debacle.

If you can muster up the imagery which understands that none of us are perfect, we all make mistakes, and understanding that we’re all doing the best we can with what we have. You have just witnessed someone doing the best they could with what they had, and you were in a sense, the shock absorber designated to endure this scenario because someone else may not have fared as well as you did. It could have been worse.

Then, there is time. They say it heals all wounds, and for the most part it does, but trusting that person again, could be another story altogether. Just as we choose who we love, we also choose who we will trust, and who we may learn to trust again, given time and personal growth on the part or both parties.

Those who trust expecting others to be trusted and betrayers are a harmonic match for each other. Only growing beyond expectations of the obedience and unlimited respect of another person will set you in a vibrational frequency above such human interaction. If you can achieve this, you cannot be betrayed because you are no longer attached to the preconceived idea that anyone owes you anything. You simply love and allow other to just “be.”

The higher perspective of trust betrayal sees no trust or betrayal. Any interpersonal problems you have are only a matter of selfish misperception. If we can perceive correctly that we are all “one,” each of us an integral part of the other, as we are all a part of the whole, we could never hurt or be hurt.

We are all God’s eyes and ears in human form experiencing life in different ways. No one is ever broken or bad, just experiencing this life in ways that may be different than you are in this moment of now.

This doesn’t mean that you will never be disappointed in someone else’s performance, ability, or lack thereof. It also doesn’t imply there is no responsibility nor consequences for one’s actions. It just means that you are less attached to your expectation which may be beyond another person’s capability, and you allow others just as much unconditional love as you might expect for yourself.

This is the higher perspective of trust betrayal which liberates you from the lower vibration of attachment to unreasonable expectations and keeps you safe, free, above and outside the cycle where others are trapped until they are able to raise their frequencies on their own.

The good news is, this is part of the evolution of humanity which our species is expanding into. It will mean the end of separation and war, leading to our oneness and peace.

For more information, see: Trust Betrayal dot com.

Red Flag Obsession

There’s so much advice, and when you’ve been the unfortunate victim of abuse or a romance-gone-bad, you can find a sense of safety by looking for red flags. Beware that you might fall victim to red flag obsession.

And if you aren’t able to come up with enough red flags, you can find all the red flags you could possibly imagine everywhere from newsstands and books to the over-anxious depths of the worldwide web.

When you start looking for red flags, out of fear, your fear will begin to see everything as a potential red flag. The same red flags which you embraced as a means to protect yourself can actually promote your own deterioration or destruction.

If you’re frightened, broken, or suffering from a broken heart, you probably shouldn’t be looking to put yourself at risk. You should avoid putting yourself in situations that could potentially be risky so that you don’t have to use red flags to help keep you safe.

If you look for demons you will find them everywhere.

If you are looking for red flags, you’re bound to potentially find them everywhere you look, keeping yourself in a perpetual state of panic. Not only will you find this exhausting, but the stress that comes from this will cause your immune system to fail, and this will cause your social network to break down.

It will be difficult for someone obsessively looking for red flags to trust others, it also engenders a feeling in others who may feel the negative energy of your troubled perspective to trust you, especially, if you’ve announced your propensity to be looking for red flags.

People don’t like to be judged unjustly and will think they are under your unrelenting microscopic examination. Few people would sign-up for such an interrogative approach to demonization and may find ways to avoid you and your red flag obsession.

And if you’re so inclined, you will probably assume that this person was guilty when they found a way to avoid further interaction with you.

Red flag obsession is a lonely business where you assume the role of the only righteous judge who is constantly judging all who access your social court and is akin to narcissism. You’re better than that.

Not all people are bad people. In fact, few of them are. There are far more good people in the world than predatory ones. But if you are looking for red flags, you will be able to take a small detail, and using your fear-fueled imagination, you can assume this is a potentially dangerous person.

Only bad people have to assert how good they are by constantly saying, “I’m a good person.” For the most part, a good person doesn’t need to assert their goodness. The people who have known this person for an extensive amount of time will know how “good” they are by witnessing their integrity over time.

A truly good person does not have to convince anyone of their goodness and they may feel it unreasonable, or at least awkward, having to prove their goodness or worthiness to anyone.

Rather than looking for the evil red flags, a healthier, wiser person might otherwise be looking for the good in others. And it’s not just enough to query them in a question and answer format-like interview.

Take your time and observe them over time. Don’t jump right in and put yourself at risk, though moving any relationship to a deeper level will have risk associated with it. The best and closest relationships involve a degree of vulnerability or risk.

Continue to be cautious, but not so cautious that it makes you paranoid about being at risk all the time, this is unhealthy red flag obsession.

If you’ve been bitten by the red flag bug, no problem. We all do the best we can with what we have. You don’t owe anyone an apology, you didn’t do anything wrong, but now you can start taking a more positive approach to getting to know others.

You’ll be surprised to find that once you start looking for the best (just like when you were looking for the worst) in others, you will find beauty and goodness everywhere you look. And you won’t have to worry about being at risk.

Just because you’re looking for the best in others doesn’t make you blind. You will see the inconsistencies in others and you can safely file the information away as you allow their reality to unfold naturally before you.

Private Investigations Behind the Scenes

I have a client who is a private investigator. He has seen and heard it all. Even though he’s seen, heard, documented and recorded things which are normally unheard or unseen, in many cases, he has no idea what part the data he’s collected plays in the overall scope of the situation at hand, or what’s going on inside the heads of the players.

Private investigations is a fascinating line of work, but it takes a special type of person to stay in this line of work for very long. My client does a very good job of not taking anything personally, or engaging in any hypotheses about what the data he’s collected means. His function is only to collect data and report it.

While his work is not as glamorous as what might be depicted in books, movies, and teleplays, he does have quite an array of gadgetry to assist his surveillance efforts. He has told me about some of them, and they sound quite effective. This is the kind of information that anyone who is even slightly paranoid does not want to hear. Even my mind followed the train of thought which considered if this person has tools like that, what must the government have?

His business is focused on three main target markets, insurance, family, and business. It is not uncommon for his data collection to radically change the lives of those who have either retained his services and/or those who have been the subjects of his work. Even so, he is able to keep his mind from wandering or extrapolating any information he might gather, to him it is only data.

I have always been fascinated by people’s different perspectives and points of view. What might mean one thing to one person might have a completely different meaning for someone else, and things we witness first-hand are rarely as they seem at first blush.

Though we are in different fields of work, we both find ourselves working with families in the area of relationships. As you can imagine, our perspectives on relationships vary widely, even though our work may focus on the deepest, darkest parts of a relationship in trouble, our methods are on opposite ends of the spectrum.

Regardless of the method, the key to a longstanding relationship is founded in trust; for if there is no trust, then there is no foundation on which to build a relationship that might expect any form of longevity. Most relationships today are based more on convenience, where one or both parties ask themselves, “What am I getting from this?” While they are getting what they want from the relationship, it is tolerable. If they cease to get what they want, the relationship is disposable.

My relationship work focuses on couples in love, seeking greater connection, love, and personal growth. Relationships, like this, must be founded on trust and mutual respect, not based on one partner (or both) asking “what’s in it for me?” The parties involved in the most successful relationships are asking, “What can I do for us?” Or, even better,

“How can I be the best I can be for me, and offer everything that I have for you and your best interests so that we can grow together and love each other even more?”

Wow. That’s an approach to a relationship that is empowering, uplifting, and brings a solemn tear to my eye when I am able to witness a couple engaged at that level of love.

While trust is so important in a relationship, it can wane over time. Not to worry, there is hope that trust and the love associated with it can be regained, and grow even more. With respect to my PI client, I would not suggest hiring a private investigator if there is to be any hope of rebuilding trust in a relationship.

Everyone is entitled to some form of privacy, and while I don’t know about how all investigators conduct their work, but if you’re under the type of surveillance conducted by my PI client, you have no privacy.

Every relationship needs to establish boundaries and what works for one couple may not work for the next. As much as we’d like to believe that we all could subscribe to a set of rules which apply to every relationship, it just is not practical, unless you don’t mind being socially herded like sheep.

True love honors and respects that everyone is unique and keenly individual, and in a relationship which supports the highest form of love, it is not about what you can do and what you can’t do. No, it’s about,

“What can I do for you?”

Want to know more about true love? Consider attending an Awakening to True Love Workshop near you.

How to Know If You Can Trust Someone

Is He or She Trustworthy?

How to know if you can trust someone or, not? Is he or she trustworthy?

If you pay attention you can usually tell if someone is worthy of your trust early on. People are generally fairly transparent unless they have a form of psychopathy or are a highly trained government spy.

Early on, people give us clear signals which could alert us to whether they can be trusted, or not, though in most cases we overlook the warning signs because we desire to seek out and believe the best in people, especially those we may have the potential of developing a relationship with.

First off, you feel comfortable about the idea of trusting them. Now this may be a false positive, but it is rarely a false negative. If your first impression of a person is that they appear to be trustworthy, more often than not you will be right. On the other hand, if your first impression of someone is that they cannot be trusted, you’re probably right.

Observing how a person acts and reacts will help to give you more supportive information as to whether someone can be trusted, or not, such as do they appear to trust others, or are they more suspicious of others. There’s a pretty good chance, if they are unable to trust others, it is probably because they know they themselves cannot be trusted. If you can’t trust yourself, how can you trust someone else? An early indicator might be impulsivity. If they can’t trust themselves, their ability to control their own actions, then there’s a good chance your faith or trust in them may be misguided. People who are worthy of your trust are usually able to demonstrate an adequate level of self-control.

Trustworthy people are more compassionate and willing to compromise for the greater good, while someone who is unwilling to compromise might not be able to be trusted to do the right thing. These observations can be noted on the smallest scale and extrapolated out to the more important things of life. For instance, if you have an impromptu meeting after work with co-workers about a particular project and you invite the new hire along, if he or she declines the invitation because he or she is tired, you can reasonably expect that this person will opt out of more important obligations if they are not feeling up to it. Which in itself is not a bad thing, but what if you’re depending on this person to follow through on something of great importance? You will look back on this early warning sign, slap your forehead and say, “I knew it.”

If you can’t trust someone with the smaller details, then you probably can’t trust them with the big ones. If someone is not telling the truth about how long they took for a coffee break, or lie about where they went on their lunch break, even though these may seem inconsequential, they are early warning signs of someone who is comfortable with not telling the truth. Even though they might be white lies or they might have purposefully withheld particular details which may not be cause for alarm, these can be indications that trouble may be brewing down the line when the stakes are much higher. If someone can be trusted with small, inconsequential details, then there’s a good chance they can be trusted with more important details.

Making excuses, justifying their missteps, or blaming others could be early indications that someone can’t be trusted, for trustworthy individuals are far more likely to take full responsibility for their actions. You know what to expect from someone who can be trusted. If they say they are going to do something, they do it. If they give you a head’s up that they might not be able to perform to an expected level, and they do not, they were honest and forthright, giving you fair warning. While untrustworthy individuals are more likely to make promises knowing they are unlikely (if not unable) to keep them, then make excuses or blame someone or something else for their inability to follow through with their commitment(s).

The only real way to know if you can trust someone, or not, is to trust them with something small at first. Then sit back and see what happens. If they prove that they can be trusted with this, then you can move on to other, more important issues. Sometimes trusting someone allows them to raise their own personal bar of integrity, answering the call with trustworthiness. Giving them the opportunity to show themselves as trustworthy might actually make them worthier of your trust in him or her.

Love Lies Why Lovers Lie

Why Do Lovers Lie?

When you enter into a committed relationship, an evolution takes place. As time goes on couples experience a metamorphosis as each of the participants grows and changes interdependently. Though they may be “one flesh” in the utmost romantic sense, they are still separate individuals both trying to do the best they can with what they have.

The only thing that truly bonds a couple together is the level of integrity and trust they have one for the other. If we can trust impeccably, be open and honest, we have the main ingredients of a highly successful and long lasting love life together. For if we do not have trust, what do we have?

As each lover evolves, there may be moments in time when they may be out of sync with their counterpart. What then?

Do you say, “This isn’t working for me; see ya,” as you depart with little concern for the former mate left behind?

Or do you lie and say, “I love you. Everything’s okay. You mean the world to me, nothing could come between us.”

Relationships are hard and no matter how we try to establish hard and fast rules for relationships, it is nearly impossible to have textbook answers for every conceivable scenario. We, as human beings, are far too complex for that.

While there are liars who selfishly lie to the extreme (we call them pathological liars) without regard to others (even if it appears to not be necessary to lie at all), alternatively we are talking about compassionate liars cohabitating in the space somewhere within the bounds of love.

While being totally open and honest are vastly important in relationships, being too open and honest can easily render a relationship null and void. Sometimes in a long term romance, the ability to lie is not only warranted, but may be a necessary component of romantic survivability.

Indeed, a long-term successful and loving relationship between two people consists or a delicate balance between truthfulness and deceit. Just ask any individual alone and off-camera who is part of a successful couple that has enjoyed a state of relationship bliss for many years what is the secret to their long-standing love affair? The answer (if conveyed honestly) will reference the delicate balance between truth and lies.

Why lie in a loving relationship?

For the sake of the big picture, in a selfless effort to preserve all that is sacred in a relationship, the occasion may (and often will) arise when the importance and reverence for the relationship exceeds the need to assert an opinion, fact or truth which might cause harm to the sacredness of the couple’s bond. Thereby justifying a bit of tale-telling to ease past what might have been a difficult situation that may have compromised the relationship or led to its dissolution altogether.

Let’s assume for a moment that the emotional spectrum of a relationship spans from love and acceptance on one end and anger and judgment on the other. Lovers often balance delicate of critical issues by where the consequence will end up on this spectrum. The unbridled truth may end up putting the relationship at risk by hurling it all the way into anger and judgment, while a love lie might not put the relationship at risk at all.

We learned this method of mitigating emotional-charged relationships in our youth. Where the truth may have sent our parents into a fury-filled emotional outburst with negative results, a little lie would sidestep the darkness and pain of disappointment and or impending punishment, and all was well.

I’m not saying it’s wrong or right. No two relationships can possibly be compared and everyone needs to find their own way. These types of “love lies” for the most part will go by completely unnoticed, except in the instances where the deception is interrupted by the otherwise naïve other lover. If we are honest, we would all admit that we do this to some degree without intent of malice.

In fact, we may tell a love lie because we love, honor and respect our mate so much, that we might do or say anything in support of the other and increase our love one for the other, even though our heart may not be totally vested at that particular moment in time. In most cases the love lie goes unnoticed and a greater love prevails.

When the one of the lovers discovers a love lie unawares, the couple needs to address the issue of the existence of this kind of deceit within the relationship. Each couple will have their own unique strategy for dealing with these types of inconsistencies.

The hardest road of all for a couple to attempt to maintain is that of complete and utter honesty regardless of the feelings of the other lover. In some cases this can work, but it takes a unique chemistry between two individuals who can manage such a relationship for long.

This is the emotional high road that if navigated correctly, with love and tolerance, without anger or judgment , we simply accept things as they are and allow each other to be without taking the unbridled truth personally or as an assault to be defended against.

For the rest of us, we try to set and manage boundaries for truth and honesty and believe that our love will survive the test of time, if we truly honor and value each other and the relationship as a whole.

See you at the Soulmate Wizardry event.