Tag: perspective

God Bless Him. He Made Another Nickel.

My phone rings a lot. I’m a professional, so I answer it.  That’s what you do. It could be a client. It could be someone interested in working with me. It could be something important. So I pick it up. “Hello?” And nine times out of ten… Nothing. A pause. A click. Then: “Hello, this is Jennifer calling about your eligibility for—” Click.

Or someone wants to buy a property I don’t own. Extend the warranty on a vehicle I don’t have. Loan money to a business they know nothing about. Fix my Google listing. Save me from the IRS. Or inform me of some financial catastrophe requiring immediate action involving gift cards.

And somehow they all seem to be calling from a perfectly ordinary local telephone number.

Aargh.

For years, every one of those calls irritated me. Not terribly. Just enough.

That’s the interesting thing about little irritations. They don’t ruin your life. They just take a tiny bite out of it.

Ring. Bite. Ring. Bite. Ring. Bite.

Until one day I decided I needed a better story.

Meet My Imaginary Businessman

In my imagination, I created a friend. Very successful businessman. Great guy. Then he was in a terrible accident. He became quadriplegic. Couldn’t run his company anymore. The business collapsed.

Unfortunately, he hadn’t created much of a financial backup plan for himself. Things got pretty rough. But eventually somebody found him a job.

They positioned him comfortably in front of a computer. The computer watches his eyes. Every time he blinks… it dials another telephone number. And he gets paid a nickel.

That’s it.

Blink. Nickel. Blink. Nickel.

Then one afternoon my phone rang. I answered. There was that familiar little delay. Immediately I knew. Robocall. And instead of getting irritated, I thought:

God bless him. He made another nickel.

Click. I hung up. And smiled.

Nothing Changed

That’s the ridiculous part. Absolutely nothing changed. The calls didn’t stop. The telemarketers didn’t suddenly develop manners. Nobody removed my number from a database. The technology didn’t improve.

My phone still rings. I still answer it. I still hang up.

The only thing that changed was the little movie playing inside my head. And somehow… that was enough.

We Do This All Day Long Anyway

Human beings are meaning-making machines. Someone doesn’t return our text. We make up a story. Someone looks at us strangely. We make up a story. Traffic stops. Story.

Someone walks past without saying hello. Story. Our spouse gets quiet. Oh boy. Story.

Most of the time, we don’t even realize we’re doing it. Something happens… and our mind supplies the meaning.

The fascinating part is that the first story isn’t necessarily any more accurate than the second one.

So if I’m going to make something up anyway… why not occasionally make up something that makes my life better?

I’m not suggesting we ignore reality.

    • If something needs attention, give it attention.
    • If someone is taking advantage of you, deal with it.
    • If you can block the number, block it.

This isn’t about becoming passive. It’s about noticing those little situations where nothing useful is accomplished by becoming irritated.

That’s where imagination can become surprisingly practical.

You Don’t Have to Change Reality to Change Your Experience of It

Sometimes we spend enormous amounts of energy trying to rearrange the world so that we can finally feel better. And sometimes that’s exactly what needs to happen. But occasionally the world doesn’t need rearranging. Maybe the story does.

The crying baby on the airplane? Maybe Mom hasn’t slept in two days and she’s doing the best she can.

The person driving ridiculously slowly in front of you? Maybe he’s carrying a wedding cake.

The cashier taking forever? Maybe it’s her first day.

The person who forgot your name? Maybe they’ve remembered 300 other people’s names this week.

Are any of those stories true? I have absolutely no idea.

That’s not really the point. Neither was the irritated story I was about to tell myself.

We get to participate in the meaning we assign to ordinary life. That’s a remarkable little freedom. And sometimes all it takes is a ridiculous imaginary friend sitting in front of a computer somewhere…

Blinking.

Working hard. Trying to make ends meet.

So these days, when my phone rings and I discover another completely useless solicitation on the other end, I don’t have to surrender even thirty seconds of my day to irritation.

I just hang up. Smile. And think:

There you go, buddy. Another nickel.

Call me anytime.

 

If You Have a Time Machine | Don’t Start Podcasting About It

I’ve been thinking about time travel lately. No, not because I built a flux capacitor in my garage. And no, this isn’t one of those moments when I try to convince you that Elvis is living on Mars with three government accountants and someone’s pet iguana. Relax. This is just one of those little thought experiments that wandered into my head, sat down, and refused to leave.

Let’s suppose, for the sake of conversation, that someone actually could see the future.

    • Maybe they have a crystal ball.
    • Maybe they have a sophisticated quantum machine.
    • Maybe they simply had one incredibly vivid glimpse of tomorrow.

Here’s my question. The moment they tell you what they saw… haven’t they already started changing it?

Imagine someone says, “On October 17th, the bridge will collapse.” Well… now what?

    • Do people stay home?
    • Does the city inspect the bridge?
    • Does someone reinforce it?
    • Does traffic reroute?
    • Does a construction crew accidentally discover an unrelated problem that saves thousands of lives?

In other words, the prediction itself just entered history.

    • It became another variable.
    • It didn’t merely describe the future.
    • It participated in creating it.

That’s why I’ve always been a little cautious around people who confidently announce, “This is exactly what’s going to happen.”

Maybe. Maybe not.

If the future is alive, then every decision, every conversation, every warning, every prayer, every act of courage, and every unexpected kindness becomes another pebble thrown into the pond. The ripples keep changing.

Even Charles Dickens understood this. Ebenezer Scrooge wasn’t shown the future so he could panic. He was shown one possible future so he could change the present. That’s a very different lesson.

Now, before someone writes me a strongly worded email… No, I’m not dismissing prophecy.

If God intends for certain events to unfold exactly as He has declared, I have absolutely no interest in debating His ability to accomplish His own purposes. I suspect He is entirely capable of protecting His plans without my assistance. This article isn’t about arguing with God. It’s about remembering that most of us aren’t Him.

Most predictions we hear, from experts, influencers, anonymous internet accounts, neighbors, or the guy at the coffee shop who always seems to know somebody who knows somebody, should probably be held with open hands. Take the insight. Leave the certainty.

Use the information to become wiser today instead of becoming obsessed with tomorrow.

There’s another reason I like this approach. Fear spreads quickly. Certainty spreads even faster. Curiosity slows us down just enough to ask better questions.

    • “What if?”
    • “How do we know?”
    • “What could I do today that would make tomorrow better, regardless?”

Those questions have improved far more lives than panic ever has.

If someone really did invent a working time machine, the smartest thing they could do would be to keep their mouth shut. Because the instant they announced what they saw, millions of people would begin reacting to it.

      • Politicians.
      • Investors.
      • Scientists.
      • Criminals.
      • Journalists.
      • Neighbors.
      • Entire governments.

Suddenly the future they reported wouldn’t be the future anymore. It would become history’s first draft. Maybe that’s one of life’s lessons.

The future isn’t simply something we discover.
It’s also something we participate in.

So, if tomorrow offers you a glimpse of itself, through wisdom, experience, prayer, intuition, good counsel, or even one of those wonderfully strange conversations that makes you think, you don’t have to cling to it.

Receive what is useful. Become a little wiser. Make one better decision today. Then let tomorrow continue being wonderfully alive.

After all, the best way to improve the future has never been arguing about it. It’s living well today.

Learning How to Love New Perspectives When Suddenly Awakened

We all do it. We see the world through our own eyes and naturally assume, without even realizing it, that others see it the same way. We project our values, our expectations, and our understanding of life onto the people around us. And why wouldn’t we? That lens is all we’ve ever known. It’s the filter we’ve used to survive, to grow, and to make sense of everything.

But then, one day, it happens. That person you thought you knew so well, maybe a friend, a coworker, a spouse, or even your own child, says or does something that completely throws you off. It feels like the rug is pulled out from under your feet. You’re disoriented, confused. “How could they think that way?” you ask yourself. “That’s not the person I thought they were.”

And in that moment, the awakening begins.

You’ve just had a front-row seat to the reality that we don’t all think alike. In fact, the chances of anyone thinking exactly like you are nearly zero. Why? Because no one has lived your life. No one has walked in your shoes, suffered your pain, celebrated your victories, or endured your struggles.

Every single human being you encounter is the sum of their own story, often a story you’ve never read a page of. So it makes sense that someone might react in a way you never expected. Still, when it happens, it can sting. Especially if you’ve invested emotionally in your perception of who you thought they were.

Imagine you’ve been friends with someone for years. You talk often, share laughs, and even supported each other through tough times. You assume, without even discussing it, that you share the same core values. Then one day, they make a choice that completely contradicts what you believe is right or loving. It’s jarring. Your mind races: Have they changed? Or did I just never really know them at all?

Or maybe you’re in a relationship, believing you both want the same future. Then you find out they’ve been carrying an entirely different vision in their heart. Again, the ground shifts beneath you.

When someone surprises us in this way, our first instinct is often to take it personally. We feel betrayed, misled, maybe even foolish. But here’s the truth: it’s not about you. It’s about them, who they are, how they’ve lived, and what they believe, all of which may have never been revealed until now.

The question is, What do you do with that information?

When you lead with love, you begin to shift your response from judgment to curiosity, from resentment to compassion. Here’s how:

1. Pause and Reflect Before Reacting

Before you speak or make assumptions, take a breath. Ask yourself:
“Is this person wrong—or just different from me?”
Reacting from offense rarely leads to deeper understanding. But responding from stillness and love often opens a door to a more authentic relationship.

2. Ask, Don’t Assume

Say something like, “Help me understand where you’re coming from. I wasn’t expecting that.” Approaching someone with genuine curiosity instead of blame invites dialogue rather than division.

3. Remember Their Story Isn’t Yours

You haven’t lived their life. You haven’t carried their wounds or fought their battles. It’s easy to forget that in the moment, but remembering it gives you a powerful sense of grace.

4. Forgive Your Misperception

Yes, you might feel embarrassed or let down, but that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you were foolish. It means you believed the best. And there’s beauty in that. Forgive yourself for seeing what you wanted to see.

5. Make Space for Growth (Theirs and Yours)

Sometimes these surprises are invitations for both of you to grow. You might discover a deeper connection through honesty—or you may recognize it’s time to lovingly create distance. Either path can be part of your evolution.

Examples:

    1. Two lifelong friends suddenly find themselves on opposite ends of a political spectrum. One votes a way the other finds morally unacceptable. The friendship fractures—until one of them says, “I still love you. Can we talk about why you feel that way?” That conversation doesn’t change their vote, but it heals the divide.
    2. A husband finds out his wife of 15 years wants to leave her job to start a nonprofit overseas. He never knew she had this dream. At first, he feels blindsided—but then he realizes, she had been quietly waiting for permission to be her full self. That revelation becomes a catalyst for deeper intimacy.
    3. A son tells his devout parents he no longer believes in God. They’re heartbroken. But instead of shutting him out, they say, “You are still our son. We trust that your journey is your own, and God’s not finished with you yet.” Love holds the family together, even through spiritual disagreement.

The Hidden Battle

Let me tell you about Amanda and Jacob, two people who loved each other dearly, but thought very differently about how to handle personal struggles.

Amanda was open. If she had a health issue, a bad day, or an emotional scar, you knew about it. Her friends knew when she had a cold, when her anxiety flared up, and when she felt overwhelmed. Vulnerability was her language of trust. And she felt safe sharing her humanness because she believed honesty invited connection.

Jacob was the opposite. He was quiet, reserved, and incredibly strong-willed. If he was sick, no one would know. If something hurt, physically or emotionally, he’d push through. His silence wasn’t coldness; it was just how he learned to survive. “Keep it together” was his internal mantra.

Their love worked beautifully, for a time. Amanda appreciated Jacob’s calm. Jacob appreciated Amanda’s honesty. But the differences in their emotional processing styles created an unseen rift.

Then one day, Amanda came home to find Jacob passed out on the bathroom floor. A 911 call, a hospital stay, and a battery of tests later, the truth came out: Jacob had been battling symptoms of internal bleeding for over a year, hiding the pain, ignoring warning signs, and even throwing away test results he didn’t want to face. His condition had reached a critical point, and it blindsided Amanda.

She felt shocked. Hurt. “Why didn’t you tell me?” she cried.
“I didn’t want to worry you,” Jacob replied, barely able to look her in the eyes.
And just like that, Amanda realized: Jacob never saw vulnerability the way she did.

This moment could have broken them. But instead, Amanda made a different choice. She paused. She breathed. And she chose love. She didn’t pretend it didn’t hurt, but she recognized that Jacob’s silence came from fear, not malice. And that realization deepened her compassion rather than her anger.

She said, “Okay. Then let’s do this together now.”

And so they did. Healing began, not just of Jacob’s body, but of their relationship.

Tips for Coping When Someone Isn’t Who You Thought

When someone’s true nature or struggles emerge unexpectedly, and it doesn’t match the picture you had painted, try this:

1. Acknowledge Your Shock, But Don’t Camp There

It’s okay to be surprised. It’s okay to feel sad. But don’t let those emotions harden your heart. Shock is part of the process of waking up to someone else’s truth.

2. Reframe the Discovery

Rather than seeing the person as “fake” or “deceptive,” consider that they’ve simply been coping differently than you would. This isn’t about you being wrong—it’s about you learning something new.

3. Ask Loving Questions

“Can you help me understand why you didn’t share this before?” is more powerful than “Why did you lie to me?” One invites connection. The other drives a wedge.

4. Embrace Both Ends of the Spectrum

Some people speak through transparency. Others speak through silence. Love must learn to understand both dialects.

To lead with love doesn’t demand that others be like us. It asks only that we love them as they are—even when they surprise us, even when they disappoint us, even when they suffer in silence.

And sometimes… that love becomes the very thing that opens the door for them to finally speak.

 

Become the Observer: When You Find You Are Not Your Thoughts

Most people go through life believing they are their thoughts. Every passing worry, doubt, or fear becomes part of their identity. But here’s the truth: You are not your thoughts. You are the observer of them.

Thoughts are like clouds drifting across the sky of your mind. They come and go, constantly shifting, yet the sky remains unchanged. That sky is you—the real you, the unshakable awareness behind the noise.

99% of Your Thoughts Don’t Belong to You

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself, Where did this thought come from? If you do, you’ll quickly realize that most of the thoughts floating through your mind aren’t even yours. They are echoes of:

    • Conditioning: Repetitive patterns drilled into you since childhood.
    • Societal Programming: Expectations, fears, and limitations imposed by culture.
    • The Energies Around You: Thoughts aren’t confined to your own mind; they are frequencies moving through the collective consciousness.

If you’re not intentional about filtering these influences, your mind can become a crowded room filled with voices that don’t serve you.

The Power of Stepping Back

The moment you step back and witness your thoughts instead of identifying with them, something incredible happens—you reclaim your power.

When you say, I am angry, you are binding yourself to that emotion. But when you shift to, I notice that anger is arising within me, you create space. You separate yourself from the thought and regain control over whether to feed it or let it pass.

This is the difference between being controlled by your mind and mastering it.

Feeling Overwhelmed? You’re Just in Too Deep

If you ever feel overwhelmed by your thoughts, emotions, or life itself, it simply means you’ve gotten too deep into the mental storm. You’ve been pulled onto the stage, lost in the role, tangled in the drama.

When this happens, back off, disengage, and resume the perspective of the observer.

All the world is a stage. Sometimes, you have to play your part, delivering your lines and engaging with the story. But sometimes, it’s okay to step backstage, take a seat in the audience, or even watch from the projection booth, even take a sabbatical.

Life is not about being trapped in every moment of the performance. It’s about knowing when to engage and when to retreat into quiet awareness. The ability to shift perspectives—between actor, audience, and observer—is the key to peace.

The Real You

So, who are you, if not your thoughts? You are the awareness behind them. You are the stillness, the presence, the conscious being who gets to decide which thoughts to engage with and which to release.

Imagine standing in the middle of a river. You can either fight against the current of endless thoughts, or you can step onto the shore and simply watch the water flow by. The more you practice stepping back into your awareness, the more you free yourself from unnecessary suffering.

The Art of Thought Selection

Not every thought deserves your attention. Your mind is like a radio constantly tuning in to different frequencies. Some stations play empowering messages, while others feed fear, doubt, and negativity. You get to exercise the power of your thought choice.

Try this simple practice:

    1. When a thought arises, pause and observe it.
    2. Ask yourself: Is this thought helpful? Does it align with my highest self?
    3. If it doesn’t serve you, release it. Imagine it dissolving like a cloud.

The more you do this, the more you strengthen your ability to consciously direct your mind, rather than letting it control you.

Reclaiming Your Inner Stillness

Beneath the chaos of thoughts, a deep stillness exists within you. This is your true self. The more you connect with this awareness, the less you get caught up in the noise of the mind.

Meditation, prayer, breathwork, and mindful presence help you tune into this stillness. But the most powerful practice is simply remembering: You are the observer, not the thoughts.

The moment you embody this truth, you step into real freedom. You break free from old programming, societal conditioning, and unconscious mental patterns. You reclaim your sovereignty.

Because the real you isn’t lost in thought, you are the one watching. And when life becomes overwhelming, you always have the power to step back, take a breath, and return to the peaceful awareness that was there all along.

 

 

When Things Don’t Work Out as Planned

When things don’t work out as planned something timeless and magical is taking place. Something so much bigger than you is happening, only you can’t see it from your perspective because you’re in the thick of it.

This is the secret to discovering all the good things in life, seeing the life spinning all around you, and feeling safe and secure in the knowing that whatever is happening to you in the now is all leading you toward your highest and best.

It’s a sacred fact of life which at present cannot be proven by science. To see it, to understand it, to know it takes seeing through the eyes of love, realizing (or alt least “allowing”) that everything is connected and perfect, and faith that something that surpasses your ability to understand is at work, here.

There are those of us, maybe you are one of us, who have had a chance to have a glimpse of the power of love and the greater good which is at work and ever present with every breath you take, every 1 volt beat of your heart.

You know this is true. How?

Because, if you look back on your life, you can see (hindsight is 20/20) that everything that has happened to you that was bad or when things didn’t work out as planned that something far better for you was waiting in the wings. Something you would have never seen, known was waiting for you, or was yours for the asking, was not available to you at the time.

You were in the wrong place, the wrong time, distracted by your place in life which you had become so embroiled in that your opportunities to achieve your highest and best were just beyond your reach. For you to be better positioned for the best things in life to be within your reach, something has to change. The further away from it you’ve wandered, the greater the change must be.

Change is shocking and painful, especially if you’re resistant to the idea of change. Drastic readjustments can be tragic, traumatic, and create wounds that leave scars which take time, attention, and love to heal. Not dealing with the pain will hinder the journey to all the best things this life has to offer.

This life has made the idea of just maintaining one’s level of survival, sucking it up, and settling for far less than your highest and best, that there’s an unspoken respect and honor among your peers for settling for mediocrity.

We justify it by looking around and saying, “It could be worse,” as long as we can find someone else who has suffers greater than we do, and so the world (the factions which run it) make certain that everyone, no matter what station in life they are in, can be aware of someone else who suffers more than they do.

Meanwhile, the ultimate force of all life, and even you, your higher self, is hard at work creating challenges to help redirect your path or prepare you for something which lies ahead, which you are unable to be aware of because its impossible to see from your current perspective. And you know this from experience.

So, relax, let your love light shine through the blackness of the darkest night and remember everything happens at the right time.

Settle into the idea that every step you take is right. You never make a mistake, nothing is wrong, and you are not broken, only greater prepared for what lies ahead.

When things don’t work out as planned this is always for your highest and best.

Everything is perfectly perfect.

And so, it is.

Higher Perspective of Trust Betrayal

When dealing the effects and aftereffects of broken trust, betrayal, unfaithfulness, having suffered at the hands of cheaters and liars, or being victimized manipulative predators or psychopaths, it’s natural to take it personally, but there is a higher perspective of trust betrayal.

When you’ve trusted someone and they betray you, you conjure up a symphony of wild emotions which are all chained together with all the times you’ve ever been betrayed. Every betrayal is worse than the last as the cascading emotional flood ensues.

Under these conditions, it’s easy to lose control of your faculties as you protest profusely for trusting someone who couldn’t be trusted, and you are hurt so very deeply.

What can you do?

You could choose to forgive. Forgiveness releases you from the victimization, but it doesn’t mean you must tolerate the betrayal. Forgiving your transgressor means you’re willing to not harbor ill will or seek retaliation or revenge. Forgiveness frees you from most of the negative impact but does not excuse their behavior and you needn’t submit yourself to putting yourself in a weakened position of having to allow the person who hurt you to continue to do so.

Forgiveness releases you from being the victim as you realize that while you can love or trust someone sometimes people are not able to maintain the same level of trust that you are able to have in others. You retain the learnings from the episodic adventure, hopefully discovering what part you played in the twisted tryst and become a better person for having survived such an affair.

As a victim of trust betrayal, it is easy to assign blame. You can blame the other person for doing you wrong, but this only prolongs your suffering. Accepting the blame, yourself, seeing the part you played in this betrayal of trust and taking full responsibility empowers you to be free from the whole debacle.

If you can muster up the imagery which understands that none of us are perfect, we all make mistakes, and understanding that we’re all doing the best we can with what we have. You have just witnessed someone doing the best they could with what they had, and you were in a sense, the shock absorber designated to endure this scenario because someone else may not have fared as well as you did. It could have been worse.

Then, there is time. They say it heals all wounds, and for the most part it does, but trusting that person again, could be another story altogether. Just as we choose who we love, we also choose who we will trust, and who we may learn to trust again, given time and personal growth on the part or both parties.

Those who trust expecting others to be trusted and betrayers are a harmonic match for each other. Only growing beyond expectations of the obedience and unlimited respect of another person will set you in a vibrational frequency above such human interaction. If you can achieve this, you cannot be betrayed because you are no longer attached to the preconceived idea that anyone owes you anything. You simply love and allow other to just “be.”

The higher perspective of trust betrayal sees no trust or betrayal. Any interpersonal problems you have are only a matter of selfish misperception. If we can perceive correctly that we are all “one,” each of us an integral part of the other, as we are all a part of the whole, we could never hurt or be hurt.

We are all God’s eyes and ears in human form experiencing life in different ways. No one is ever broken or bad, just experiencing this life in ways that may be different than you are in this moment of now.

This doesn’t mean that you will never be disappointed in someone else’s performance, ability, or lack thereof. It also doesn’t imply there is no responsibility nor consequences for one’s actions. It just means that you are less attached to your expectation which may be beyond another person’s capability, and you allow others just as much unconditional love as you might expect for yourself.

This is the higher perspective of trust betrayal which liberates you from the lower vibration of attachment to unreasonable expectations and keeps you safe, free, above and outside the cycle where others are trapped until they are able to raise their frequencies on their own.

The good news is, this is part of the evolution of humanity which our species is expanding into. It will mean the end of separation and war, leading to our oneness and peace.

For more information, see: Trust Betrayal dot com.

The Difference Between Support and Advice

When you’re feeling challenged in life, it’s good to talk to someone to get support and advice but keep your wits about you. While Proverbs rightly says there is wisdom and success in the counsel of many, knowing when you’re being supported versus being advised—and when each is appropriate—can make all the difference.

Why Talking Matters

Bottling up emotions and thoughts can lead to emotional wounds that fester, spreading their destructive poison into every part of your life. Talking to a trusted friend or confidant can release some of that pressure and allow you to process what you’re going through.

But here’s where it gets tricky: supportive friends often empathize with your feelings, validate your experiences, and agree with your point of view. That’s what makes them feel so safe and comforting to talk to. However, if you mistake this support for advice, it can cement your perspective in ways that may not serve your highest good.

Support vs. Advice

Support Validates

Support is all about affirming your feelings. When a friend supports you, they’re essentially saying, “I understand how you feel, and it’s okay to feel that way.” They empathize with your emotions and align with your perspective, making you feel seen and heard.

While this validation can be soothing in the moment, it can also lock you into a single viewpoint. If mistaken for advice, it may reinforce your current perspective without encouraging you to explore alternatives or consider growth.

Advice Challenges

Advice, on the other hand, pushes you to see your situation differently. A good advisor challenges your perspective, asking questions like:

    • “How might the other person in this situation feel?”
    • “What role did you play in this outcome?”
    • “What could you do differently next time?”

This isn’t about making you feel bad but helping you examine the situation from different angles. By doing so, you can gain clarity, identify solutions, and make empowered decisions.

The Risks of Confusion

Confusing support with advice can lead to unintended consequences. For example, if a friend validates your emotions without offering alternative viewpoints, it might inadvertently enable unhealthy patterns or reinforce negative perspectives. On the flip side, giving advice when someone only wants support can feel abrasive, even intrusive.

Imagine pouring your heart out to a friend, only to be met with an avalanche of unsolicited advice. Instead of feeling heard, you might feel judged or controlled, even if the advice is well-meaning.

This is why it’s so important to differentiate between the two—and to approach each situation with care.

Listening Before Responding

When someone comes to you, resist the urge to jump straight into “fix-it mode.” Unless they explicitly ask for advice, they likely just want someone to listen. Practice active listening:

    • Focus on what they’re saying without interrupting.
    • Validate their feelings by acknowledging their emotions.
    • Avoid judgment, criticism, or trying to “solve” their problems.

This is especially important in moments of crisis. Start with empathy, and let them guide the conversation, offering no more than five words. If they eventually ask for your advice, then—and only then—can you shift into problem-solving mode.

My Personal Struggle

I’ll admit, this is something I’ve struggled with. People often come to me for advice, so I’ve developed a habit of assuming that’s what everyone wants. When someone starts sharing their story, I tend to jump in with advice, even when it hasn’t been requested.

I’ve learned the hard way that this approach doesn’t always help. Sometimes, people just want to be heard. They’re not looking for answers—they’re looking for connection. Now, I try to pause, listen, and clarify what they need before responding.

When You’re the One Seeking Advice

If you’re the one in need of advice, it’s wise to gather input from a variety of sources. Seek out perspectives from people with different experiences, viewpoints, and areas of expertise. Each person’s insight adds another piece to the puzzle, helping you see the bigger picture.

Remember, no one can tell you exactly what to do. Advice is simply another way to gather information and consider options. The final decision is always yours to make.

Knowing What You Need

The key to navigating these interactions—whether you’re the one sharing or the one listening—is clarity. If you’re sharing your feelings with someone, be upfront about what you need. Are you looking for support, or are you seeking advice? If you’re not clear, they may default to their own habits, which could lead to misunderstandings.

Similarly, if someone comes to you, don’t assume. Ask them directly:

    • “Do you want my advice, or do you just need me to listen?”
    • “How can I best support you right now?”

These simple questions can make all the difference, ensuring that both parties feel respected and understood.

Support and Advice in Balance

Support and advice both have their place, but they serve very different purposes. Support helps you feel seen, heard, and validated in your emotions. Advice helps you grow, adapt, and make empowered choices.

When used appropriately, both can be invaluable tools for navigating life’s challenges. The key is knowing when—and how—to use each one.

So, the next time you find yourself on either side of the conversation, take a moment to pause, reflect, and approach the interaction with intention. In doing so, you’ll foster deeper connections, greater understanding, and more meaningful support for yourself and others.

Whether you’re seeking support or offering it, remember this truth: listening with empathy is often the greatest gift you can give or receive.

 

 

Just the Same Only Different

Different people do things for different reasons. Sometimes they do the same things for very different reasons, so we (especially those in the help professions) have to be careful about stating anything affirmatively as being true 100% of the time because the truth of the matter is that nothing is true 100% of the time (or at least, very little).

One person might do something or display a certain characteristic, while another might do exactly the same thing only for very different reasons. Just the same, only different.

One person might hang up the phone in the middle of a heated conversation defensively because they are fearful that they might say something in their defense which might hurt the other person’s feelings, make matters worse, or utter something they think they might regret later. Another person might hang up the phone in the middle of a heated conversation as an act of aggression, purposefully with the intent of making the other person enraged. Just the same, only different.

In Star Wars Episode 8, Luke Skywalker and Ben Solo tell the same story very differently. Each one from their own perspective, each one being truthful based on their own experience and understanding. Just the same, only different.

For instance, I spend a little of my time helping victims of psychopaths because I know what they’re going through. Even though this type of work does not resonate well with the rest of my work, I do a little of it out of reverence for my own experience and my empathy for others having to deal with this kind of tragedy.

So, I have put out a book, put up a website, and created a video in an attempt to help these people as much as I can. One of the ways I try to help victims of psychopaths and potential victims is by trying to help them to detect a potential psychopath early on, so I list six characteristics that can help someone identify a potential psychopath quickly and easily in a brief 10-minute video in an attempt to help as many people as I can as quickly as possible, without making it so complicated.

Of course, this is in no way an official diagnosis which would take a professional a great deal of time and study reviewing over 100 characteristics and behavioral expressions. It is what it is, a simple tool that is quick and easy to use.

As you know, if you put yourself out there to do anything good, haters will come out in droves to try to knock you down. Based on that 10-minute video, I have been attacked and ridiculed, but I don’t take it personal, nor do I take it too seriously. I am also more resilient and am for the most part unmoved by their attempts to hurt my feelings, so I am grateful to be their target, which might defer their inclination to attack someone else who might be devastated by such a virtual assault.

Thankfully, I get praised both by victims and potential victims for having the intention to help and put the information out there for them to find, far more frequently than I get put down by people who are just doing the best they can with what they have, as am I.

If I say (as I do in this brief video) that psychopaths are charismatic, it does not imply that anyone who is charismatic is a psychopath, nor does it imply that all psychopaths are charismatic, to assume so would be at the very least unwise.

No matter what human characteristic or action you are reviewing from your perspective, you cannot know what is, or was, actually going on at the time because you can never truly know what is going on inside another person’s head. It is just not possible. Even if the person in question desperately wants you to know what it was like to be him or her in that moment in time, no matter how they try to convey the totality of this information to you, you cannot really know.

Each one of us is very different, and there are personality traits that in general seem to accumulate around certain types of people but these are only generalizations, and they are not 100% accurate in all people at all times. These are only general observations over time, tracked and cataloged by people who are doing the best they can to help others.

People who help other people as part of their work, ministry, or in the answering of their calling, use these categorization techniques to try to ascertain how best to help someone in an analytical approach to whatever is challenging them at the particular time, without having to invest hours trying to uncover the complex backstory of a potential client or patient.

“I killed a man.”

This is a powerful statement, which at first blush evokes an emotional response and might have you thinking about the death penalty, an eye for an eye, or some other such notion. Nonetheless, many people might find themselves in a particular situation where such an act might be prudent, part of your job description, or even financed by a municipal, federal or other government agency.

Depending on not only the facts and circumstances surrounding the killing, but what was going on in the mind of the person who committed the act at the time, and ever since, can be very different than you might be able to conceive of from your perspective.

Of course, actions which we make, based on decisions that we make, in every step that we take of our life’s journey need not be tragic or life-changing and can range from littering or parking in a handicapped parking spot to cheating on a test or speeding on the interstate, all for reasons you and I could not possibly know unless you or I are the transgressor.

Still, if you witness such an act from your own perspective, it’s easy to jump to conclusions, make assumptions, or judge someone for doing something that you might feel would be against your own personal knowledge, convictions, or morals.

Like on Facebook, one person might want to post on their relationship status, “In a relationship,” because they’re engaged to be married, while the other partner has nothing on their relationship status because… well, who knows. And what difference does it make?

There’s no need to get yourself all worked up over someone else’s life. They (just like you and I) are just trying to do the best they can with what they have. It doesn’t make them a psychopath, sociopath, obsessive-compulsive megalomaniac with narcissistic tendencies or any other conclusion that you might jump to, it just doesn’t really matter, unless you are being attacked personally, then… maybe… some other steps might need to be taken.

But, if it’s just in the fantasy world of social media, try to take it for what it is. What you see there does not define you, nor anyone else. Just have fun with it and try not to let yourself get out of sorts over it.

Don’t let it get to you.

If someone says something crazy about you on the Internet, don’t pay it any attention. It’s not for real. If there is no foundation for it, do not dignify someone’s rant or attack with a response, even if it’s brought up to you in a real-life situation by an uninterested third-party.

Keep this in mind: If you don’t want to be judged, refrain from judging others.

It’s okay. There is much love here for you.

 

Bullying the Unbullyable

Bullying is nothing new and more predominant in our society today, more than ever, and there is a growing awareness and movement which may reduce some of our inclination to bully others, even though our society is pretty much centered around bullying. While all this bullying is going on there are those who try bullying the unbullyable.

There’re very few of us who do not know what it’s like to be disrespected, intimidated, humiliated, threatened, judged, lorded over, or otherwise bullied by someone. And if you’re fortunate to have avoided exposure to being bullied over the course of life, you have certainly noticed bullying represented in the defense of different schools of thought or ideals.

Sometimes we get so caught up in the idea that we are the person we are as we define and/or perceive ourselves, but you are so much more than what you think you are. Even if you have an extremely expansive and evolved view of who you are, keep in mind that as you attempt to define all you are and who you could possibly be, you are only scratching the surface.

The truth of the matter is this, no one could ever hurt you, without your permission. This might be hard to wrap your head around unless you’ve faced the worst demons imaginable and defeated them. If you’ve read the words of others who have done so, such as Viktor Frankl’s memoir, Man’s Search for Meaning which delineates the unimaginable tortures survived as a Nazi human scientific experimental subject, you begin to get a sense of the possibilities of man’s persistence in the struggle for survival.

We all could learn the most powerful lesson from iconic survivors, like Frankl, who learned to understand the difference between who we really are and who we are as experienced via our human body. Only by embracing the life of that higher version of himself, was he able to separate his true self in genuine freedom from the surgical experimentation his physical body was enduring. While they were painfully destructive to his body, Frankl found solace outside his body and they could not hurt him there.

Once you understand this expanded separation from the you as experienced in your body and that higher version of yourself, you understand it is impossible for anyone to do anything to hurt you.

From this vantage point you can see the world as more of what it is, seeing it as it unfolds, yet separate from it, like watching a movie. In the case of an episodic bullying, for instance, you can see a hurting person striking out at the you in your body out of the pain and suffering from his tragic past. If it weren’t for being able to see the episode from this perspective, you might feel like a victim being bullied as trapped inside your body.

Unfortunately, most of us humans are unaware of our higher selves, never able to realize that we are watching, listening and experiencing this life’s journey of yours as it is being experienced by the you which resides in your body.

With a little practice, you will be able to experience life from this higher perspective and take back the power which was your birthright when you first emerged into this life, with the freedom and liberty to shift perspective at any time.

You, like Viktor Frankl, and countless others will be untouchable, unmoved, threatened, or hurt by anyone, ever, as you watch the details of your life unfold before your eyes, like an incredible drama of which you are the hero and the star.

The hero must persevere through challenges and gain knowledge from experiences to allow the emergence of the hero within enabling you to courageously overcome anything life has to throw at you as you grow and expand into your evolving self.

Others may make fun of you, not believe in you, judge you, falsely accuse you, disrespect you, even attack and intend to cause physical harm to your body, but you, the greater part of you, can never be hurt because you are invulnerable and therefore unbullyable.

One POV vs Perspective

Wouldn’t it be nice if everything in life were black and white, everything could be known or perceived from one point of view (POV)? Nonetheless, life being what it is, is best interpreted from multiple perspectives and seeing something from someone else’s POV can be not only beneficial but can add so much beauty and clarity (and sometimes curious confusion) to the overall landscape of life.

One POV vs Perspective

We see this a lot in the court room. More often than not, the plaintiff is asserting their point of view, while the defendant defends their point of view. Rarely, if ever, does the plaintiff conceded to the defendant’s point of view, even though there is always another point of view.

Wouldn’t be easier if everything could be seen and fully understood or appreciated from one point of view? Absolutely, but unless you’re a character in a story book, that is never going to be the case in the 3-D world where we live.

Someone who insists on only seeing everything from their own perspective we consider as self-obsessed and we refer to them as being narcissists, and they insist on making the world match their point of view. The advantage of doing so is that you have the ability to structure your world in such a way so as to find comfort in your own limited view of your black and white world.

How nice would that be?

For the rest of us in the real world, life is a little more complicated.

What if you were raised with the black and white view that

“Anyone who kills women and children should be killed”

And you were so passionate about it, that left to your own judgment, you might want to kill his own wife and children in front of him prior your executing him.

We all could appreciate that point of view, right?

So, I am working with this person who was experiencing conflict in his life because this is the way he felt. When he came to me he was suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and who wouldn’t, if that very same person while carrying out orders in service of the USA, killed women and children. This would create great inner conflict in anyone with a heart.

Left to his own devices he may have taken his own life, just like 22 military personnel who commit suicide every day. War is a nasty business, and it does take its toll on those who are not lucky enough to be sociopaths and/or psychopaths.

PTSD is a horrible condition that locks a person into a certain limited point of view. Victims are so impacted by a particular experience (often tragic) that they find themselves unable to escape. An important part of the process includes being able to lift one’s view from outside yourself, far enough to see things from other points of view gives us perspective, but when you’re so immersed, it just seems like it’s too much to even conceive of.

Life, law, liberty, finding ways just to make it through each day, the pursuit of happiness, it’s all so very more complex than we might like it to be. But we can make it through much easier by trying to see things from other points of view to gain a better overall perspective.

Even so, since you can’t really know what goes on inside someone’s else’s head and/or heart, if they are so inclined, they could share their point of view with you. If you can empathetically see and/or feel from their perspective, you may find yourself getting a sense of what it might like to be that person in that moment, in a sense, walking a mile in that person’s shoes.

It is then that one realizes that life is not limited to our own perspective. What looks like one thing to one person might look like something completely different to someone else. To see an automobile accident from the highway looks completely different to someone actively involved in the accident. Even the experiences of two drivers involved in the same multiple-vehicle accident do not experience the accident the same way.

You could live a judgmental life, criticizing everyone who doesn’t see things like you do, maybe even ostracizing the dissidence, leaving you safely comforted by living your life like you want to, or you could consider becoming a part of the family at large.

It will take some effort on your part to do it, but it will be worth it, as you experience a greater connection with other people by integrating your life with theirs.

I know, the first objection from someone who’s already tried that interjects,

“I’ve done that before… and I got burned.”

Yes, that is the caveat; connecting with other people in a meaningful, transparent way will leave you vulnerable. You will be vulnerable, just as they will be. Once you start feeling a life with your feeling in tact and sharing those feelings with someone else, it allows your feelings to be hurt.

But it also opens the gates to love.

Trust me, love is worth it.

It’s up to you, though.