Tag: change

Change Your Life or the World by Changing Books

As a Transfiguration Specialist, this is my gift to share with the world. When it looks like there is little or no chance to make a significant change, I can see the path from here to there, and in every case, if the desired change is massive, changing books is almost mandatory. That is to say, you could skip this step, and increase the cost and time necessary to see the change become reality.

Temporary Change

Changing books is not necessary for temporary change or doing what you have to do to make you feel better for a while, like losing 20 pounds before your wedding, or getting a big-screen TV. You could use changing books written by someone else to help inspire you to do the work necessary. To become an expert you could practice a skill for 10,000 hours (Malcolm Gladwell) or you could obtain all the expert knowledge necessary by reading seven changing books (Mark Victor Hansen). And doing so may increase your odds of riding this new wave for more lasting change.

Lasting Change

Lasting change is more elusive, for many reasons. The most common is that every one of us has a life frequency that matches acceptable mediocrity. A place where we are comfortable enough. Things aren’t that bad, and they could certainly get worse. This is your life rut, and it is easy to get stuck in it. This is where changing books can help to make all the difference.

If your life was a book, writing the next chapter might not be enough. You might be better off changing books altogether.

If the change you want to see, either in you, your life or the world, is great, you will have to change. Changing books is also a metaphor for your life. If your life was a book. You can easily look back and see the chapters of your life, and you can have an idea about how the next chapter might be. But if the change is great, it will require changing books completely. It may not be enough to expect due to the previous momentum (or lack of it) in the previous chapters to make the leap.

That’s why we need changing books, to help catapult us to the next level.

Permanent Change

Even more elusive is a permanent change. You desire to see the change and to be a part of it so much that you might be willing to do almost anything. This is where it helps to have a coach and moderator on your side, to help you see pitfalls in what might seem like an opportunity to push your agenda ahead today but may be ultimately detrimental in the long run.

Stuff Happens

You will never see more obstacles appear than when you decide to be a part of the change, any change, and changing books along the way can be very helpful in circumventing (or even eliminating) barricades to your progress.

The Biggest Obstacle to Permanent Change

You. Your old life. Remember that life that was okay, not so bad? Your former life will be calling you back. And when things are looking more like work than fun, that old life may not look so bad. You might think like chucking the whole idea might be worthwhile for the relief that comes from just bailing out completely.

You May Be Addicted to Your Old Life

Or your previous life, the one that you left to start your journey of massive change, is an addiction, which is an entirely new challenge to consider.

Can People Change?

Here comes the day; you have trusted someone and come to the awareness that things are not always as they appear. You are contemplating the chasm between trust and betrayal and considering a confrontation or intervention. You ask yourself, “Can people change?” because you want to believe there is hope for the continuation of a relationship with this person whom you believed the best about.

Even if it is not a blatant trust betrayal, you feel that aching in the pit of your stomach and you can’t help but feel like you’ve been stabbed in the back by someone you felt secure with. Now? You just do not know.

Do you risk it and go forward with the relationship? Or do you cut your losses and say, “Vaya con Dios.”?

A cautionary pessimist might conclude, “They will never change.”

If you are like me, you do believe that people can change. Why do I believe that people can change? Because I am in the life-change business, have been most of my life, and I have seen people change drastically and magnificently in the face of the most seemingly impossible circumstances.

Granted, I have also had the experience of working with individuals who were not able to muster the wherewithal to change, who remain in their default state… and even for them, I feel there is still hope that they may change.

It is like the old Scorpion and the Frog story, some people, even with the best intentions, can not go against their base personality setting, and for those, they will always revert to what they know.

Still, there are the clients who come to me and say, “I want to change but I don’t know how,” and this is a good starting place, but it doesn’t mean they have what it takes to actually make the change and have it stick for any length of time. Although, some of these individuals to experience deep and meaningful, longstanding transformations.

If you truly and deeply care about someone, you might be willing to sacrifice anything to help them make the change you so desire to see in them, but it’s important to note that you can’t want for someone more than they want for themselves. As much as you might like this person to be the way you imagine them to be, even if you can clearly see their potential in your mind’s eye, he or she can only do what he or she is capable of. They may not possess the capacity for such a change.

And why would you want to change anyone to your perception of the image which you have carved out for them anyway? Doesn’t everyone have the right to be who they are? What about you? Don’t you have the right to be the person that you are? Don’t you expect others to respect you and allow you to be the person you want to be? Why would you not extend the same courtesy to this other person to be who they are?

You have the right to pursue your own individual path of personal growth and change. Only you can determine what is the best method and turn to take at any given time.

You, just like anyone, if you have experienced severe hardship in your life, can transform from victim to mastery, but you must be ready to change your life, once and for all.

You can change your life right now. If you decide to take on the task to change your life, it is up to you to seek out and achieve your highest and best potential.

Remember to be true to yourself, and when you can be true to your calling, you can rest assured that you’re making a difference in the world.

I Want to Change But I Don’t Know How

Change is inevitable. No matter how hard you try to manage and control your world, it is constantly in a stage of metamorphosis. Life, our planet, the universe is ever-changing. So, what will you do about it? Will you resist the change or choose to change? Many people want to change, but do not know how to go about changing their life. They say,

I want to change but I don’t know how.

Of course, there are the vast majority of people who accept life as it is, and they find comfort in the sameness in life, staying as they are, and accepting whatever comes their way as inevitable. Most, if not all of us, are programmed from birth to adopt this (or some similar) world view.

We keep our heads down, keep moving along, and we’re all doing the best we can with what we have, not to make waves or draw attention to ourselves.

Things could be better, but

I’m okay.

Even so, among those who prefer to stay under the radar, many of them desire to have a better life. For those who desire to have a better life than their neighbors, social mechanisms have been put in place to make them feel like they can have some control over their destiny, while still remaining as part of the structured herd.

They can increase their efficacy via personal or professional growth, go to school to learn a trade, get a fancy degree to join the ranks others who have highfalutin college degrees, if they will let you into their “club.” It’s a lot more convoluted than you might think.

Others like the idea of change but see it as something to be avoided due to increased risk. They could put life as they know it at risk. By deciding to change, you may alienate friends who would rather stay the same and never change, except when change is forced upon them.

The idea of change makes us somewhat fearful because we all have some degree of

Fear of the unknown

and we feel safe in our little cocoons of life, swaddling ourselves in as snuggly as possible.

The world outside of ourselves can be a frightening place.

Then there are those who find themselves in the offices of my contemporaries who are coaches, consultants, and counselors. These are those who want to change their lives in a dramatic way.

Like you, they are dissatisfied with the same ol’ same ol’ and they have a yearning for more from this life.

You want to live a better life, your best life, and make the world a better place, even if

You don’t know how

Maybe you tried to change before, and it didn’t stick, or you just couldn’t get from Pont A to Point B. You may have been unable to achieve the results you desired. Don’t let this get you down or keep you from moving forward.

Knowing how to change your life is not necessary. The desire to change your life is the most important place to start, for without the desire to change, you are unlikely to have the fortitude necessary to sustain the transformative process and make it to the other side of your personal metamorphosis.

If your desire is strong enough, you can endure the expansive evolutionary opportunities which are often accompanied by challenges that will be encountered along your path of growth and change.

 

When Things Don’t Work Out as Planned

When things don’t work out as planned something timeless and magical is taking place. Something so much bigger than you is happening, only you can’t see it from your perspective because you’re in the thick of it.

This is the secret to discovering all the good things in life, seeing the life spinning all around you, and feeling safe and secure in the knowing that whatever is happening to you in the now is all leading you toward your highest and best.

It’s a sacred fact of life which at present cannot be proven by science. To see it, to understand it, to know it takes seeing through the eyes of love, realizing (or alt least “allowing”) that everything is connected and perfect, and faith that something that surpasses your ability to understand is at work, here.

There are those of us, maybe you are one of us, who have had a chance to have a glimpse of the power of love and the greater good which is at work and ever present with every breath you take, every 1 volt beat of your heart.

You know this is true. How?

Because, if you look back on your life, you can see (hindsight is 20/20) that everything that has happened to you that was bad or when things didn’t work out as planned that something far better for you was waiting in the wings. Something you would have never seen, known was waiting for you, or was yours for the asking, was not available to you at the time.

You were in the wrong place, the wrong time, distracted by your place in life which you had become so embroiled in that your opportunities to achieve your highest and best were just beyond your reach. For you to be better positioned for the best things in life to be within your reach, something has to change. The further away from it you’ve wandered, the greater the change must be.

Change is shocking and painful, especially if you’re resistant to the idea of change. Drastic readjustments can be tragic, traumatic, and create wounds that leave scars which take time, attention, and love to heal. Not dealing with the pain will hinder the journey to all the best things this life has to offer.

This life has made the idea of just maintaining one’s level of survival, sucking it up, and settling for far less than your highest and best, that there’s an unspoken respect and honor among your peers for settling for mediocrity.

We justify it by looking around and saying, “It could be worse,” as long as we can find someone else who has suffers greater than we do, and so the world (the factions which run it) make certain that everyone, no matter what station in life they are in, can be aware of someone else who suffers more than they do.

Meanwhile, the ultimate force of all life, and even you, your higher self, is hard at work creating challenges to help redirect your path or prepare you for something which lies ahead, which you are unable to be aware of because its impossible to see from your current perspective. And you know this from experience.

So, relax, let your love light shine through the blackness of the darkest night and remember everything happens at the right time.

Settle into the idea that every step you take is right. You never make a mistake, nothing is wrong, and you are not broken, only greater prepared for what lies ahead.

When things don’t work out as planned this is always for your highest and best.

Everything is perfectly perfect.

And so, it is.

When is it Time to Start a New Life?

When is it time to start a new life? When you can look back on your life, can see that it’s pretty much been the same ol’ same ol’ and you know you desire and were destined for so much more.

You have lived a life up to this point which has been your training ground for the new life which lays ahead of you. While it may look and feel as though your life up ‘til now has been lackluster or wasted, that is now so.

You have been divinely equipped for the new life which beckons you to embrace your destiny. This new life will represent the culmination of your life lived this far empowered by your purpose, message, passion, and mission (PMPM), which is unique only to you.

Now, is the time for you to step forward and into your new life, answering the sacred calling of that higher part of you which yearns to be released and revealed.

If you look at your life as a linear timeline, you will see your past leading to this exact point in time, and this time, today, right now, marks an X. This is the pivot point of your life.

This demarcation signifies the exacting difference from the life you’ve lived up to now, and the empowered life of beauty, power, significance, and service for which you were destined from birth.

This is your awakening to your new life.

Those things which you used to cling to from your past, people, systems, thoughts, and beliefs, which you submitted to that made you have a sense of feeling safe and secure, do not resonate with you anymore.

From here on out, your responses which had become predictable will no longer be so as you take on new possibilities, being open to new dynamics, and clearly thinking and doing things differently than you had before.

You are no longer bound by family tradition or lured by the conceding that “that’s the way it’s done,” because you’re no longer limited to the confines of the rigid box of life. You are not simply limited to your family, your pedigree, your education, your programming. You are emerging from your cocoon of life.

You are ready to leave behind your old life, uninhibited by sociological structures and the training of others who would be pleased to see you struggle in the life of your past, and live your new, victorious life with love and passion.

From this point forward, you are more aware of those things which held you back, were not in your best interests, and kept you from achieving your highest and best.

This radical change will come at a price. It means leaving behind those things which may have represented safety and security in the past, and there will be opposition amongst the supporters who remain tethered to the life of your past. They are likely to not want to see you advance on your new journey.

There will be people who do not want you to start this new life. They will try to dissuade you from making a break from the past (them) and living a better life, your best life, and make the world a better place. Why? Because they fear that you might succeed.

Secretly, they hope that these thoughts of you living a new, empowered life, is a ridiculous dream that could never be achieved. They want you to fail miserably and come crawling back, so they can embrace you and say, “I told you so.” Because this will make them feel better about living their life of mediocrity.

For them, it is better not to try than to risk failure.

But if you succeed, and thrive, then they will have to rethink their own lives.

You then become the inspiration for others who secretly long for a better life but are afraid. If you can do it, there is hope for them, hope for the world.

Your whole life has led to this moment.

Are you ready to leave the past behind and start living your new life?

I believe you are ready now.

Accepting Responsibility and Change

We all make decisions in the moment that affect the rest of our lives. These are those pivotal places in life which disrupt the current path of our lives, changing the direction, plan, and purpose of our lives completely.

There is nothing wrong with this. There is no wrong way to make a decision or take an action which changes the rest of your life forever, for no matter what you do, it is always divine in nature.

There is no need to second-guess or apologize for anything you say or do result in your ability to change your life. When the result causes a significant change of direction in your life, this is always for your highest and best.

Your life might be in need of a drastic change, and most likely whenever this massive readjustment takes place, you are not going to feel good about it. You may feel good about the change in the beginning, only to second-guess your decisions or actions later. You may discover that others (possibly even yourself) might try to make you feel guilty about making such a major adjustment.

Guilt is nothing that serves you, so reject the idea of it at every opportunity. You may have remorse because you would have rather something had gone or turned out differently than you expected but feeling guilty is a fear-based emotion which seeks to tear at your emotional fabric and intends to destroy your individuality.

You must find peace in accepting things as they are (what is accepting what is?), honoring regret without succumbing to remorse.

Maybe, if given the chance to do it over, you would have handled the details differently, but the truth of the matter is that things unfolded the way they did. You did the best you could in the moment that changed everything, and you did so perfectly. Want a do-over?

Yes, things changed, and this is the essence of a life full of opportunities for growth and change, increasing the possibilities exponentially throughout your life as it ripples throughout the lives of others.

These life choices, challenges, or changes in life circumstances enable us to grow and expand beyond that which would have been possible had we stayed in a sedimentary or dormant vibration.

People in your life may not have the same respect for growth and change, and they may try to intimidate or impose psychological pressure on you in an effort to persuade you to stay the same. There is a certain comfort in sameness, which hinders growth and supports mediocrity. You needn’t settle for mediocrity.

If you’ve chosen the pursuit of a life path which is open to change then opportunities to change will present themselves, and if your life is not changing, then you’re not doing it right.

You are not flawed, and you’re never doing it wrong, no matter what anyone says. You are simply making your own way and honoring your God-given right to do so.

It was never your intention to offend or hurt anyone in the process. If anyone was offended or hurt, you may regret your part in their pain, and vow to do it differently, better than the last time. This is part of your learning and growth process.

No one knows better than I, that even with the best intentions, the outcome did not unfold as I expected and people (even including myself) were hurt in the process. For this, I have profound regret, but my heart was pure. I accept responsibility for those things I cannot change, apologize when appropriate, and vow to learn and try to do better if ever I revisit a similar circumstance.

Your journey is one unlike any other, and we can’t wait to see you live a better life, your best life, and make the world a better place.

Seven Seconds to Change the World

When I change my world the world changes
Seven seconds at a time.

When you look around the world, it’s easy to get distracted by all the things in the world you don’t want or like. You focus on the things that upset you, the things you wish you could change but are not within your reach. When you focus on things that you cannot change, you add energy to those things, and they proliferate, gaining energetic advantage.

Your attentive disapproval causes those things you don’t like, which are outside of your circle of influence, to grow and become even more problematic.

What about the things in your life that you can change?

If you focus on the intimate details of your life, and those situations and circumstances within your circle of influence that you can change, you have the ability to change your own life, which in effect changes the world.

When I change my world the world changes

The key is the ability to affect change. If you simply observe and turn your attention to something you add to the energetic power of it. If you observe something that you can impact or change, and you take the action necessary to change a thing, it changes.

The result of changing anything you have the ability to influence in your life has a ripple effect which changes the lives of those within arm’s reach, rippling out to the local community, the community at large, and the world.

That little ripple from your change which may seem to have little significance to you picks up momentum as it ripples throughout the world, picking up energy, inspiring others to make these little changes.

In this way, one little change you make inspires someone else to make a change, which inspires someone else to make a change. On and on it goes, when one day you look back and see the whole world changes and this greater change had the ability to come to fruition thanks to your being a part of the change.

When something captures your attention, you can focus your attention on it making it more powerful, or if it appears to be negative and beyond your influence or control, change your attention to something you can affect, or something delightful.

Seven Second Delay

By focusing your attention for more than seven seconds adds energy to what is capturing your attention. If you can refocus from something negative to a positive thought within seven seconds, the negative energy is unsupported by your energy, and the new more positive thought is promoted for every moment which exceeds the seven-second delay.

When you change your attention to something that makes you happy or fills your heart with love, it increases. The more you focus your attention on the things that you like, the more powerful they become.

Adding energy to the things you love has a ripple effect which spreads throughout the community and the world, filling the energetic field with positivity making the world a better place.

Warriors who fight against what they abhor add energy to the very thing they are fighting against. They would yield greater results for their efforts by supporting the solution rather than focusing on the problem.

You can do it any way you want.

One person may not be able to change the world by making one small change, but if millions or billions of people made one small change, the world changes.

Let today be the time for change.

 

 

What Stands Between You?

You already know you need to stop putting things off, watch news and the tube less, and stop participating in activities that are pure time-suckers. You know you need to be more proactive, set goals and deadlines to achieve them. And if you’re more aware, you know you need a system to track your progress and increase your accountability when it comes to doing the things that need to be done to create your highest and best.

Okay, you know what you need to do, you can see it clearly over there, on the other side of the crevasse which stands between where you are and where you know you want to be.

If you really want to get from here, you need to take a look at what stands between you and where you want to be. Here are some of the things that may be keeping you from having what you really want (what you really, really want):

You’re Afraid

Fear is probably the number one thing that stands between you and what you want, it is by far the most powerful influencer in the mind of all human beings. And in terms of making changes to your life, fear of change, and fear of failure are at the top of the list.

And at any point, if you decide to bail out on pursuing your dreams, there is a mob of folks waiting to welcome you back to your life of mediocrity, they’ll hug you, kiss you, tell you how sorry they are for you, they’ll make you chicken soup and nurse you back to mediocrity any way they can.

The best lives are enjoyed by those who have forged their own trail, conquering their fears along the way, knowing that the road ahead is going to be a challenge.

The road may be longer than you thought it would be, have more twists and turns, and you might even take a wrong turn every now and again, but you must start the journey and follow it wherever it leads if you want to get to where you want to be.

Paralysis of Analysis

Sometimes you can get so lost in the study or preparation of a thing that you become frozen in time and space. There is so much to learn, there’s always another book, seminar, class, workshop, a course of study, or guru who you’d like to meet that stands between you and where you want to be.

As prepared as you could possibly be, you could not possibly anticipate anything that might appear on your radar along the way. And if you tried to study and prepare for any possible scenario, chances are you’ll be lost in the prep and never feel prepared enough to confidently leave.

You’ve got to be ready and willing to act on what you have, and gather more information along the way. Otherwise, you will remain stagnant, a victim of the paralysis of analysis. If you run into an unexpected challenge along the way, you just have to do what every other expansion explorer does, scramble like hell, reach out to others, try to figure out a way to get around it, or slay the dragon and keep moving.

Lack of Motivation

If you really want to change your life, you need to be willing and committed to your continuing to make progress even if you’re not feeling it. Motivation is great, but it is often fleeting, what then?

That’s when your true character shines through, you can be a whiner or a winner. Your choice. If you’re going to pick up your toys and run home to mommy, that’s okay, maybe it’s not your time to be the winner. But if it’s your time to dominate your life and emerge the triumphant victorious winner you were always destined to be… Keep going, even if you don’t feel like it.

Winners make their doingness a habit, which requires no motivation. Doing isn’t just what you do, it’s who you are.

Passivity

There is a huge trend toward using, “Whatever,” as a general excuse for anything that might not turn out the way you like as if it justifies walking away from anything because “shit happens.” And there are a thousand excuses that will sound like it justifies your quitting.

You just can’t have that attitude, if you really want what you really want. If it’s true, and you want it, and you think you can to what it takes to get it, you won’t be dissuaded by the first obstacle that shows up and say something like, “Oh, I guess that just wasn’t meant for me.”

No, it was meant for you, you just bailed out on getting what you wanted. What stands between you and what you want is not, “Whatever,” it’s you.

If it’s you, then start practicing doing things. Make a commitment to do something every day – no matter what – and do it. It doesn’t have to be anything big. It could be something like making your bed every day, or writing in your journal every night, and prove to yourself that you can learn to do something without letting life’s excuses get in the way.

Slow and Easy Wins the Race

Don’t take off in a full sprint toward achieving what you want. It’s better to take small steps toward what you want than no steps at all, and making continual progress assures that every day you are getting closer to what you want.

Sometimes, the over-ambitious person has a clear vision of what they want and they take off with the fervent expectation to be able to get there quickly because it is so clear to them, that they could actually reach out and touch it. Then, fail from utter exhaustion, possibly warranting a trip in an ambulance, then having to start over again from scratch, if they survive the ordeal.

(I did that once in Vegas. From the strip, I said, “Look! There’s the Rio, I’ll race you there…” My friend and I started out… It looked so clear, so close. Not my best moment, but a great analogy, eh?)

When is Now the Time for You to Start

You are ready. In fact, you’ve never been so ready. If you readied any longer, you’d start to rot.

You know what you want. Now go get it.

But keep your wits about you, be cautious but keep going, slow and steady.

What you do today brings you so much closer to what you want.

What are you going to do?

Choose to Change EMP

Feeling uncomfortable? Things not turning out the way you had planned? Are you stuck between a rock and a hard place?

When the going gets tough, it’s easy to turn and run and proclaim from the rooftops that you’re a victim of ________________ (fill in the blank).

On the other hand, you could consider the idea of choosing to change. You might reply to such a suggestion with something like, “Of course I would like things to change! Yes, let’s change this thing!”

More likely than not, you are not able to change that thing which is troubling you at the time, but you could choose to change something, right now, in this moment, that could change your life forever.

In fact, it’s the only thing you can do which delivers immediate, measurable, impactful results in a heartbeat. Know what it is?

You Can Change You

This is no wimpy, namby-pamby, rinky-dink, woos-out, whiny, “Well, if I can’t do anything else, I guess I’ll just try to look for the Brightside,” BS. No, this is the strength and the power that is your birthright to have dominion over any obstacle or challenge you might face.

It is your Ctrl-Alt-Delete Trump Card, which you can wield like dropping an EMP (Electromagnetic Pulse) bomb, and Wham! Out go the lights.

In that moment, the whole world changes, from the inside out. You’re no longer the victim. You are in charge of your world, and let the world take notice; for you are a formidable, unlimited, sole-battalion of power with hair-trigger laser accuracy.

“Don’t even think of screwing with me.”

Because you are unscrewable.

It is only possible if you choose to take charge. If you choose to take responsibility and control and change, making the adjustments necessary, you become invincible.

Sound frightening?

Hell, yeah; it means saying, “goodbye,” to the weak-kneed sheep being led around by media and society, like a mindless victim in a zombie-like state, accepting life as its doled out to you, just like you (and everyone you know) were robotically programmed to respond.

Yes!
This is the juncture in your life, where you say,

“I’m not taking your shit anymore!”

“I wield the most powerful force in my universe!”

The times are a changing, and you’re becoming a part of that change if you choose to.

To be a part of the change, you must become the fully-empowered changing-weapon, always looking inward first to change and charge your weapon for deployment.

Don’t be fooled by the sinister sleight-of-hand move or others who will try to keep you small, your power minimized, by thinking you need someone else to help you do this. If you want to do this thing, you have to do it on your own.

This is not a follow-the-leader approach to making yourself feel better. No, that’s the false flag of the enemy, meant to distract you, while secretly maintaining control of you.

No, it’s time to break-free and embrace the powerful you that you were born to be.

Sure, you can take hints from others who may have forged their own way, but you must not follow their footsteps (although you could momentarily) but your real power lies within you waiting to be released by you and you alone.

Are you ready to choose to change and launch your highest and best you?

Disrespect and Hurt Feelings in Relationships

Have you ever found yourself laboring to explain to your special someone how they hurt your feelings or disrespected you?

As two people come together and get to know each other, it is reasonable to expect things will come up as an indication that the two of you don’t see eye to eye on a particular subject. In some cases, you may feel bad, disrespected, disregarded or betrayed, and depending on how a sensitive a person you are, you could be hurt badly.

But you’re getting to know this person, are developing feelings of attachment, and/or falling in love with this person. You fancy the idea of having him or her in your life enough to reach out to them in an effort to help them understand how you feel, which is a normal course of action in any relationship.

On your first attempt to explain yourself to someone, you expect to be heard and felt. Everyone is entitled to make mistakes, as you know you, too, probably have disrespected some one else, not on purpose but in a moment when you were busy, focused, distracted, or had lost track of time, etc… and hurt someone’s feelings unintentionally.

Or maybe we’re talking about crossing boundaries. When you’re in a relationship, you can expect to cover all the rules and boundaries that exist in your head and your heart in the beginning, and you just sort of assume that you’re both completely compatible based on how you feel about this person.

If you and your partner have healthy boundaries, of course, the best way to communicate your boundaries is to merely talk about them and establish a mutual respect about each other’s boundaries. The next best way to bring up your boundaries is when either one of you find yourself crossing the other’s boundaries.

This is a good time to communicate, establish and negotiate the honoring of the boundary in your relationship or to make amendments or accommodations for the boundary in question. Some boundaries protect us from physical or emotional pain, but may change over time, the less we need them and as we continue to grow emotionally, while some may remain non-negotiable.

Okay, so someone’s crossed the line, and your feelings were hurt. You were considerate enough to explain the situation to your partner, and he or she heard you, respected you, apologized and agreed to take your feeling into consideration, should the same set of circumstances appear once again. And in a perfect world, in an adult relationship between two people who care about each other, this is the highest and best approach and outcome.

But what if it happens again?

Even though you felt like the two of you were perfectly clear and in agreement, now, you’re second-guessing, wondering if your initial expression was misunderstood, maybe you didn’t make yourself clear enough and it may be reasonable to talk about this particular situation again.

So, this time, you’re explaining to your partner in greater detail, including much more stories, demonstrations, possibly including audio/visual tools, drawing charts, graphs, maps and using bullet lists (yes, this can go into outrageous extremes, depending on the one doing the communicating) to make sure there is no misunderstanding in the future.

If you feel like you’ve been heard and your partner has endured your presentation, thanked you for clearly expressing yourself, understanding the two of you are basically using a common language and level of understanding in respect and honor of your clearly expressed ideas, and he or she agrees to honor your perspective if faced with similar circumstances in the future.

Well done.

That should do it.

If it doesn’t, and the same grievance comes up again, you can be relatively certain that something else is going on, here. You know you’re being heard. You’ve made every effort to establish rapport and understanding, yet here you are again.

This could feel like abuse, and anyone who knows you intimately, like your friends and family, might jump to that conclusion immediately, especially if you (or they) have had experience with a similar situation which did not fare well in the past.

The truth is, by this point, you can ascertain that this person is not going to change his or her thoughts or actions on this deal to accommodate you. You have to realize that this person is hard-wired this way and is never going to change for you.

Going back to the drawing board once again to try to explain yourself is fruitless. Nothing good could come from it, and your partner will only be going through the motions, agree to do or say anything you want to hear, but not really. They just want your grueling expression to stop, so they can get back to living their life.

Plus, you might be imposing abuse on your partner by badgering him or her endlessly about this particular subject. Just stop it. This could go on forever, and nothing good could come from that.

It’s not on you to expect to change your partner, just as you would not expect your partner to want you to change for him or her, although, some compromise along the way is reasonable, as long as it’s not too extreme.

Oh, you might think that if you love him or her enough, that they will realize one day that you were right all along, he or she instantly changes, as if being touched by a magic fairy’s wand, and the two of you will walk off into the sunset hand in hand in perfect harmony, with sparkles and butterflies all around.

The chances of that are pretty slim. So, at this point, you have to ask yourself, “Can I live with this?” It’s on you at this point, not the other person. Someday this person might change due to their own personal growth and evolvement, but you have to know, this is the way it’s going to be, probably forever. Can you live with that?

If loosening up on a boundary here and there is acceptable to you, then think about changing the way you think about this particular situation, consider making a compromise. Keep in mind if you are making the majority of the compromises, this will likely not be in your best interest in the long run, and you’re likely going to resent or regret this later.

On the other hand, in the rarest of circumstances, both parties begin to grow and change in synergistic harmony, evolving together in a symphony of continued awareness and enlightenment. If each of their individual paths is harmonious with the other’s, this can be the bliss which we all seek in a long-term relationship.