Painful Separation and Moving On

You’ve bravely and courageously moved on leaving something previously integral to your life behind and you know you’re better off for it because it was weighing you down, holding you back. You know you’ve done the right thing, whether it was against your will or not.

Even so, your heart is aching and breaking because there was an incredible attachment to what went before, it had become a part of you. It’s as if you’ve walked away from a severed limb, as we feel the pain of a desperate wound, ever reminding you and causing you to second-guess, “Did I do the right thing?”

This is love and proof that you loved, and loved enough to create an attachment to this person, place, thing, activity, thought pattern, or belief. Of course, separation from something you loved and were attached to would be followed by a grieving process.

You have learned from the experience. You know you can live a better life as you grow and move on.

“But,” you interrupt the separation process, and you can, “What if” yourself ad infinitum, creating a spiraling whirlpool dragging you down into helplessness. You must always remind yourself, “This is for my highest and best good.” All things in this life are even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time.

Traumatic moments in life which lead to a massive change or repositioning always leads to some more grand opportunity and blessing, but you will be unable to see the open door calling you forth, if you are lost in the pain of separation.

Some things in life cannot be rationalized, explained, or have proper closure, especially if you are deeply connected to it at the time of separation. You cannot force any making sense of a thing without the proper context which does not come ‘til later. All things will be revealed later and you will realize the divinity of it all.

If you desire a better life you must move on from those things which do not serve you, no matter how much you love or enjoy them. You cannot hang onto abusive relationships, stay in jobs or careers which offer you no potential for increasing your satisfaction and enjoyment of life.

You need to place yourself in situations and circumstances which support your desire to grow and expand leading to more love and enjoyment in this life.

This is the nature of life. You grow, create attachments to where you are in life, and growth necessitates change. Change can be painful, but it is how we learn and keeps us from complacency and stagnation.

You may have a tendency to recoil to find safety in solitude. This is a natural response to separation from someone or something that you truly loved. To remain in seclusion is unhealthy and may lead to constant rumination and senseless self-abuse. It can leave you longing for the life you moved on from. Not good for you.

Deep inside your heart is all the power you would ever need to continue to love through the moving on process.

Remember, the change you seek, that different life begins with you. It is highly unlikely that you can change your partner, your friends, family, the government, your job, the weather, or the world as it is. You may be able to but doing so against the current is the hardest way to manifest change and is reserved for the fiercest of all warriors.

You can, on the other hand, change yourself and your life for the better at any moment in time.

The more loving, positive, and optimistic you can remain through any process of separation or change will increase the rapidness of the change process with an exponentially greater outcome due to your increased momentum.

Following separation, don’t grasp the first thing which appears to your awareness. Doing so will likely have you grabbing onto something that is too similar to that which you are trying to separate yourself from.

Allow yourself the time to heal and recalibrate, then choose your next step in the knowledge and faith that this is the best next step for you. Select that which is in support you’re your goals, dreams, and desires.

Place yourself in places and circumstances where you have the opportunity to express love. Always continue to love yourself, love yourself even more, and allow your love to spill over to those around you.

When things aren’t feeling right, look for the love inside of you.

All the love of God, the world, the universe, is inside you.

Regardless of what it feels like, you are love.

Ready to Move on In Love?

How Do You Know If You’re Ready to Move on in Love?

When you activate a shared love with another person you create an emotional connection with that person which remains long after that lover has been separated from your active life. How do you know if you’re ready to move on in love?

You might be seeking for the answer to how do you know if you’re ready to move on in love because you know you’re going to be ever-connected to your former lover, and the connection is even more severe if you shared an intimate physical relationship.

Sex complicates the moving on of it all because as you are contemplating entertaining another lover, the lingering connection to your former lover(s) is at the very least awkward and confusing.

In a perfect world, the first time you fall in love, you would meet your one true love and live out your lives together, hand-in-hand, for the rest of your life happily ever after.

Also, in a perfect world, you would experience a long succession of tragic love interests which break your heart and allow you to experience how interacting with another person on a deep level could be enjoyable and one of the most catastrophic, painful chapters of your life.

Love is love, and there is really no wrong way to do it. Your love journey will be different than any other person. No two love journeys are alike, though they may share some similarities. So, any attempt to give anyone advice is fruitless.

I can make suggestions, and you must decide for yourself what is good for you to consider and what is not. In fact, that is all coaching is; reviewing a variety of options with you, letting you decide which options and actions are best for you, and supporting you in the creative process.

That said, these seem to be the best ideas to consider prior to moving on to another relationship in the best way.

It’s Over

Relationships are tricky business, and those lingering connections can confuse any attempt to connect with another person, so cutting the ties to your greatest ability will go a long way in leaving your heart open enough to embrace a new love.

Let your feelings be your guide about the healthiness of creating space by setting boundaries which protect your heart from either hurting or re-engaging the love trance all over again.

Being in the throes of love creates energetic, physiological, electromagnetic, and a barrage of chemical reactions in the brain and throughout your body, which cause you to fall in love all over again, if you are exposed to a former lover if you experience him or her with any of your five senses.

At least for a while (probably 90 days) do not allow yourself to be exposed to your ex- if possible because you need this time and space to heal, so you can be ready to move on in love.

Nostalgic Emotional Ties

If you want to be ready to move on in love, you have to let go of your former expectations, the hopes, and dreams you held deep within your heart about your former lover.

Ruminating about what could have been will only cause you emotional pain throughout the separation and have you longing for vying for another chance to right wrongs. You cannot change the past or make things right. What is done is done and so is this relationship.

There’s no need to focus your attention on all the things that went wrong or all the good times which were so enjoyable. These nostalgic efforts need to be avoided, at least for the 90-day period (or however long you need) for healing yourself.

You need to find ways to think or talk about your life with your ex- without significant emotional impact, positive or negative.

You know you are closing in on healthfully being ready to move on in love when you can think back on your love experience without passionate fantasizing or heavy emotional pain.

Residual Love

Understand that maintaining a residual love for your ex- is totally acceptable and healthy unless your relationship, even if you were with a toxic or abusive lover.

Residual love must be respectful of your protection if your self and your heart, as well as the memory of your former lover, without feeling emotional pain or resentment.

Let this residual love be tempered by realizing that things just are as they are, and the past is the past. You and your lover shared these moments, but the time has come for both of you to move on in love, going your separate ways.

You love and look after yourself, love your ex- and hope the best for him or her.

There is no blame, or judgment because we’re all doing the best we can with what we have.

Loving You

7 Phases of Love

The best thing you can do is to love yourself to the best of your ability.

Many have heard some variation of the question, “How can you love somebody else if you don’t love yourself, first?” We all know this, but most of us do not understand what it means to love one’s self.

When you love yourself, you treat yourself with all the love, respect, and acceptance that you would ever desire to receive from a lover.

This can be difficult as you’re getting ready to move on in love, and you might be a million miles away from having this kind of love for yourself at this time and space. Just do the best you can to love yourself more.

When you consider finding all the love you could ever desire from within, you don’t need someone else to make you feel loved.

Ready to Move on in Love

If you are at peace with the idea that it’s over and find the nostalgic emotional ties honorable and manageable, can maintain a healthy residual love and love yourself more than you did before, you are ready to move on in love.

Hanging Out with Drunks

In an analogy in The Mastery of Love, don Miguel Ruiz relates an example of hanging out with drunks at a bar or party as a comparison of how most of us live life. You hang out with these people who are just like you, they are all numb and drunk, having a good time, and every once and a while someone breaks out in a vast drama, but for the most part, you and the rest of the group are smiling, laughing, enjoying yourself, the camaraderie and you’re happy hanging out with drunks.

Then, once you begin to awaken to a higher version of life and start seeing things as they really are, it’s like being the only sober person at the party. After you’ve become more aware about life in general and your own life, numbing yourself is no longer desired or necessary to help you get through this life.

You think this is all well and good, but you remember how fun it felt when you were hanging out with drunks, so you go out to spend the evening with your friends.

Only now, you’re not compelled to drink, and you are not drunk. From this vantage point, your experience of hanging out with drunks is very different. You see people numbing themselves because they are looking for ways to avoid the reality of living the life they lead. You see them all celebrating the fog they all share, and while they appear to be happy, there is no happiness in them.

After a while, they notice you are not drunk, you are not joining them in their drunken celebration of not having to deal with life, and they accuse you of having something wrong with you.

The drunks prefer you to drink and enjoy being drunk with them. When you fail to participate and turn down their offers to buy you a drink so that you can essentially be an active participant with the other drunks, they get paranoid about you, see you as an outsider.

The drunks feel your sobriety as a drain on the energy of the overall group, you’re a downer, spectator, spy, or judging them like a self-righteous goody two shoes, and while none of this is true, you don’t feel like you fit in with this group of people anymore.

You are less enthusiastic about hanging out with drunks. You don’t judge them or feel sorry for them (because that would be condescending). You realize we all are only doing the best we can with what we have, honor the time that you spent with this group as a necessary part of your journey, you love and bless them.

There comes a time when you start to look for other people to hang out with, people who are more resonate with your current frame of mind, people who do not feel the need to numb themselves and disassociate their connection to this life.

You keep your eyes open and aware enough to find people who are more like you with whom you can associate and socialize with.

Periodically, the drunks will notice your absence and seek you out to rejoin them in their drunkenness because they believe being drunk is an important part of life and they feel your lack of drunkenness is not good for you. They know how awful it would be for them to try to manage life without being drunk. Just the thought of it represents pain for them, so they want to save you by inviting you to come back.

All of this is perfectly normal and fine in all its awkwardness as you move from the day-to-day struggle for survival in everyday life, to enlightenment.