People can be very mysterious, and even though it’s impossible to know what’s going on inside someone’s head, you might be surprised to know that it’s easy to see people as they really are, if you are paying attention. Often they will clearly show themselves to you and when people show you who they are, believe them.
It’s easy to be impressed by someone’s presentation, how they talk, walk, dress, what kind of car they drive, the house they live in, job, or financial independence they exude. Even if your first impression and instincts were over-ridden by appearances, if you’re paying attention, you will often be seeing them clearly showing you the type of person he or she really is.
This is a common occurrence amongst the dating community. When a relationship falls to pieces since hindsight is 20/20 the love-seeker is saying something like, “I saw it, I just didn’t want to believe it,” or see it for what it was. We tend to project our best view of a person onto the people we desire to admire. We overlook the warning signs, in the beginning, to hold a sacred image of them in our minds.
Little inconsistencies that don’t seem to be important, and are easily overlooked in the initial phases of getting to know someone, were likely clearly communicating what to expect from this person.
Little things like, not having same-sex friends, not communicating with family members, or everyone they know is “crazy.” Maybe it takes a while for him or her to respond to your text, but you notice when they are with you, that he or she responds to texts from other people immediately… and other things that make you go, “Huh?”
Even though you might write those things off negligible inconsistencies at the outset, after a while you start asking, “Why?”
When you start asking why, your projected image of them is starting to fade and you’re starting to see them as they really are, and you’re likely to wonder why it appears that they have changed. Only they haven’t changed, though your perception of him or her is changing as you’re allowing yourself to see them in a more realistic light.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to see the best in someone, to believe the best about someone, but when you realize that they are who they really are and see clearly that they clearly showed you who they were from the outset, don’t beat yourself up too much. It only means that you have a heart, and you were caught at a time when you wanted to believe the best.
You may have let down your guard and been vulnerable, possibly even feel as though you were taken advantage of, but you can’t put yourself down for loving too much.
You didn’t want to not believe in someone’s best possibilities. You didn’t want to give up on this person or give in to believing that they were any less than you believed was their best possibility. You’re not a quitter. You saw the goodness that was in them, which they could have fully embraced, but when it comes down to it, they just couldn’t go there.
Not that they couldn’t grow into their evolutionary highest and best, but they just weren’t ready to do the work necessary to be the amazing person whom you envisioned coming to life in your mind’s eye. And nothing you could do for them could change them. Change can only be accomplished when the changer sees change as inevitable. No one has ever changed by being nagged to make a change.
No one has ever changed by being nagged to make a change. (Okay, maybe for a moment to defer a particular consequence, but not meaningful, lasting change, which only comes from within.)
Love is a delicate balancing act of loving without reservation, and self-preservation. It’s different for every person, and only you can decide where your boundaries are.
You are awesome and your strength is in the power of your love, and sometimes loving might empower you to let someone go to find and make their own way. This is really the best, most supportive thing you can do. Nobody is wrong, broken, or in need of fixing (plus, you couldn’t fix them if you wanted to).
It is up to you to determine what people and characteristics that you want in your life. So, it’s good to have an idea of what you want and what you don’t. When you start seeing undesirable attributes in people in your inner circle, you can start making plans to clear your sacred space of their influence.
You might be surprised to learn that someone might see some of your attributes as being undesirable. I know, it’s crazy, but its true. We all have our own unique flavor, but we’re all in the same soup, which would be bland if not for us.
While some things are tolerable, it’s up to you to decide what is intolerable or referred to as dealbreakers. These are the characteristics that are red flags indicating that you need to move someone out of your inner circle to make room for someone who is more compatible.
All that to say, don’t be surprised when you lift the veil of best intentions to see that almost every person is being honest, showing you their true colors at the get-go, and if you’ve given them the benefit of the doubt and viewed them in their highest and best form, don’t beat yourself up about it. See them for who they really are.
“When people show you who they are, believe them.” ~Maya Angelou