infidelity | David M Masters

Infidelity Life After the Affair

There is no doubt, the hardest a challenge couple may have to face, is when an otherwise sacred relationship has been visited by an affair. While infidelity can come in many forms of infidelity, the most difficult kind of affair is that of sexual infidelity. Life after the affair can be uncomfortable and traumatic due to the severity of the breach of trust to the relationship.

If you ask a couple before an affair what might be the one unforgivable breach of trust in a relationship, the common answer is sexual infidelity. Yet, in so many cases, an affair is the gateway to a deeper an far greater relationship, resulting in a far more powerful and successful relationship.

Often, a sexual affair, or a wandering eye if caught early enough, is an indication that there is trouble in paradise. When one of the partners is turning their attention away from their partner, seeking some type of sexual attention, validation, or gratification outside the relationship, something is not right.

This is why it is so important to have a firm foundation of trust and openness in communication established within the relationship prior to any such breach of trust. In the best-case scenario, the partner with the wavering attention or wandering eye can feel as though talking about his or her feelings would be respected and safe within the sanctity of the relationship.

In the event that the moment of clarity came following the sexual act has taken place, then having the structure agreed upon in advance to fall upon as the basis of having such a critical and potentially volatile conversation has been agreed to by both parties.

Infidelity Life After the Affair

As humans, there is a primitive part of us that is automatically engaged when someone we’ve shared a sacred intimate relationship engages with another in the insertion of body parts and exchange of fluids. The initial reaction of rage is followed by a sense of being victimized by your partner. This is the natural course of human emotion; therefore, it must not be denied when this traumatic breach of trust is detected.

If you are the transgressor and have engaged in a romantic affair (even if it hasn’t turned sexual, yet), your relationship would be far better off and stand a better chance of recovery if you are the one to bring it to your partner’s attention.

While recovery following the discovery by a third party, or accidental discovery, may still find a way to recover, the path to finding the love in your relationship is closer within reach if you are the one to take the responsibility to deliver the news.

If you are not the one who has reached outside the relationship for sexual gratification, but your partner has, then you are entitled to the initial rage and feeling of victimization, but if your relationship is to have any hope of surviving you must find a way to keep your wits about you.

As soon as possible following the initial conversation, both parties would be well advised to avoid any good-guy/bad-guy, accusation, or placing of blame. Be willing to give up the idea that someone has committed an unforgivable sin and that the other party has been victimized.

The emphasis should be placed on digging deep within the partner whose attention was diverted outside the relationship to discover why he or she might be looking elsewhere for this type of attention or validation?

Also, look inside yourself. Is there something within you that may have contributed to the affair?

If you can keep your wits about you, and both parties are committed to resolving the issues which led to the affair or the wandering eye, then this work could be conducted with a successful outcome. Otherwise, it might be a good idea to enlist the aid of a third-party relationship coach or counselor to ferret out the details before giving up on the relationship altogether.

I have found it common for a wandering eye to be the symptom of many varieties of reasons, such as not feeling as though one’s creativity is adequately expressed or validated by his or her partner. A partner may be feeling as though he or she is not properly valued in the relationship, or roots of insecurity, abuse, or a sense of unworthiness could be traced back to childhood, which if known, could have predicted such a breach of trust.

An affair is the turning away of one’s attention from the partner to elsewhere. Now is the time to keep your attention focused upon each other, and when you feel the urge to turn your attention away, turn your attention back to your partner, and feel open, honest, and safe enough to mention it. Then look to uncover the why.

Digging down to uncover the cause can either be rudimentary or very messy business. Suffice it to say, it would be folly to insist that every relationship could follow a particular set pattern for discovery.

Being open, honest, compassionate, understanding, and communicative are the keys to the high level of love that is necessary to sustain a long, happy, and fulfilling relationship surviving infidelity. Life after the affair can be extraordinary, and having survived can draw you closer than ever if you’re willing and able to do the work of love.

Financial Infidelity

We all know there are many types of infidelity and while all types of unfaithfulness can break the trust in a relationship as much (or more so) as an affair, next to sexual infidelity financial infidelity is the destroyer of romantic love relationships in the lives shared by two.

What is financial infidelity?

Financial infidelity is the behavior which is marked by keeping financial secrets, having secret bank accounts, hiding financial affairs from your partner, such as getting a raise and tucking it away instead of sharing it with your partner. People engaged in breaching the sacred bond of trust for financial affairs are prone to making financial decisions, investments, and making purchases which are hidden from the other partner and kept secret.

Money is energy which tends to mirror one’s life and relationship. Your relationship with money will reveal what your relationship with a partner will look like, as well as many other areas of your life and how you perceive and interact with it.

Financial infidelity blocks the flow of energy not only in a relationship but in all areas of life which limits one’s ability to have access to or to experience all the best things in life which are abundantly waiting for you.

Financial infidelity represents festering wounds buried deep within someone who suffers from unworthiness, fear, emotional pain, worry, and doubt. Financial cheaters are often haunted and overcome by the demons of their past.

In relationships, fear is the primary motivator in cheating when it comes to money-related issues. Because you’re afraid that your partner won’t approve of a particular action which involves spending money, you tend to take the action and spend the money under a veil of deceit hoping and praying that your partner never finds out, and you may even be willing to go so far as to lie about it.

To attempt to deal with the issues that lead to financial infidelity is deep inner work that cannot be dictated or mandated. The healing which must take place to bring the cheater to a place where he or she and be open and honest about money issues and sharing and caring for their partner abundantly, which overflows into all areas of life, not just about money, will take some time and effort on the part of the cheater.

How do you confront a financial cheater?

Probably your initial inclination is to react in a fit of rage when you discover your partner is engaged in financial infidelity. Probably not your best option, unless you have a desire to create massive conflict and possibly end the relationship with a great deal of unresolved issues, and painful emotional wounds. At the very least, you will make helping the relationship heal and move forward more problematic by starting with an emotional outburst.
Try to keep your wits about you and muster as much resolve as possible before confronting your partner and try to make this as unconfrontational as possible. As with all important conversations when you want to say, “We need to talk,” try to be sensitive and non-threatening but be explicit about your concerns.

Being the initiator of the conversation, you get to set the tone.

You can start with as much softness and caring as possible in your voice, saying something, like, “Hey, baby,” (or some other tender word that you might use for your partner) “I noticed,” then disclose the discrepancy and let him or her respond in a way that is natural and less defensive than having to respond to an accusation.

Try to keep love as your focal point in your heart and mind as you look through the eyes of love at your partner. Remember that this behavior has a lot of painful inner connections that run deep. If there is any hope for a breakthrough in this kind of behavior, you are holding the keys to this issue.

Try to hold the space for this conversation as sacred, and allow an opportunity for your partner to rebuild trust. While trust can be lost in a heartbeat it takes a lot of love and time to rebuild, but it can be done, and when it does happen, it can bring a couple together closer and create deeper intimacy than could have been possible prior to the breach of trust.

If you can move forward through this rebuilding process together, you (the two or you as a couple) can seek to uncover your partner’s demons from the past and slay them together. This is the highest and best sacred work that a couple could do together fostering growth and change, though due to the highly sensitive nature of the material at hand, your partner may feel the need to do this deep inner work alone.

No matter what the outcome, keep love at the forefront and only good things can come from love in the end.

Infidelity It’s Not Just Sexual

In my work with couples I hear a lot about the different ways that mates are unfaithful in their commitment to each other, there are many other ways to practice infidelity, and there are so many ways to break love’s sacred love bond. So, infidelity it’s not just sexual.

In a therapeutic environment, you might be surprised what might be genuinely considered infidelity, and you may have been none the wiser, thinking that you’re within the bounds of your love relationship when you are actually far over the lines which make up the boundaries of love’s commitment. For instance,

Just to give you a taste of some of the most common affairs that you might not think of at first blush as being considered cheating (if you’re the offending partner).

Here are 9 of the top non-intercourse-related infidelities and destroyers of relationships,

1. Flirtatious Infidelity

While flirting may seem like harmless fun because there is no intention of following through in a sexual manner (at least not on your part) therefore you reason that you’re just enjoying a little playful banter. Certainly, there’s no harm in that.

On the other hand, you’re unconsciously communicating to the person with whom you are flirting with, that you might entertain the idea of having a secret relationship outside of your current love relationship. To add to the veracity of the seemingly insignificant jesting, you are communicating to the person with whom you are flirting that you think there might be a better deal available, one that is better suited for you, than what you have waiting for you at home.

Even though simple flirting may not seem harmful on the surface, this is the breeding ground and part of the grooming process for almost every sexual affair.

2. Confidence Infidelity

Having a confidant, someone to whom you can bare your soul to and share your deepest and darkest secrets who shares the same gender as your love interest is another form infidelity.

You may justify your reaching out to this person because you just needed someone to talk to, but the truth of the matter is, you are placing more trust in this third party than your mate, and after a while as the bond grows between you and your confidante, is easy to understand how things can easily get intimate with someone with whom you share your most intimate details.

If you do need to talk to someone, seek out a coach, counselor, therapist or clergyman to talk to. At least, these people have taken a professional oath not to threaten your relationship but to assist in its advancement.

3. Financial Infidelity

Seventy percent of all relationships fail due to money issues and financial infidelity is never more real today than at any time in history. If you, or your partner, is funneling and/or siphoning household finances for any number of reasons, this is a severe breach of trust and when it comes to light, can be just as bad (if not worse) than a sexual affair.

Motives are complicated to uncover because partners who engage in financial infidelity are likely to keep their lips sealed, take the money and run, when they’re found out.

Some of the most popular couple money swindlers are closet shoppers, and gamblers, addiction feeders, and secret money hoarders. In any case, financial infidelity is serious business.

4. Activity Infidelity

When things get a little dicey at home, you might prefer to be somewhere else, unwinding with someone who will not respond to you, like the person who is awaiting your arrival at home, especially if your relationship is going through a tender phase.

There would appear no harm done and there should be nothing that would alert your mate’s suspicions by simply having a little time away, taking a break with friends to loosen up. Plus, you always come home in a good mood. So wouldn’t your partner encourage such an activity?

The problem is, again, that these soirees can (and often do) lead to flirtatious infidelity or confidence infidelity which are gateways to sexual infidelity.

5. Whistleblowing Infidelity

When you report intimate details and off-color remarks about your partner, you are communicating that there is trouble in paradise, and the more you blab about your mate’s inadequacies, the more your friends, family and whoever hears your tales of woe will encourage you to save yourself from such a horrible fate.

Now, you may be just sounding-off or letting off steam, in an effort to find some release for some pent-up frustration in your relationship. But when you start talking to others about your partner’s misdeeds, you are not only breaking the confidence of your love relationship but putting down your partner in his or her absence is far more damaging than just being disrespectful.

Talking to others about your partner behind his or her back is often a signal that the relationship is unsustainable and if left unchecked, it will fail.

6. Digital Infidelity

Simply chatting it up with someone over the Internet, playing games, which involve chatting back and forth, or simple, harmless banter using only your devices can wreck and ruin a love relationship.

Just like you shouldn’t participate in these trysts in the real world, likewise, they shouldn’t be condoned in the virtual world, especially with someone who shares the same sex as your partner. Again we have all the elements of the previous infidelities including playful banter, possibly confiding intimate details, obviously spending time in an online activity, and could include an element of talking behind your partner’s back.

While being online may give you a false sense of safety, we all know that crossing the bridge from digital relationships to face-to-face encounters is very real and it happens every day.

And if your digital relationship includes sex-talk (or more) then this is clearly upscaled to sexual infidelity, even if it is virtual sex.

7. Catwalk Infidelity

You know what this is; things are getting a little lackluster at home, and you’re just not feeling as sexy as you once did, so you get all dolled up to walk the catwalk in an effort to get some appreciation for your appearance that you feel like is being taken for granted at home.

To start with, you probably wouldn’t want your partner to do this in your absence, and the idea is to attract a certain type of attention, which usually has a sexual element to it, so don’t do it.

If you really want to be appreciated for being all dressed and made up, looking and smelling nice, then honor your relationship and schedule a night out with your partner. Then when people respond to your (maybe even sensual) good looks, they may think about how lucky your partner is to be with someone so desirable.

8. Withholding Sex Infidelity

Yeah, how about that? Who’d a thought that not having sex with someone else could be considered infidelity? Sure enough, in therapeutic environments, it comes up quite often in couples counseling.

Withholding sex is a powerful weapon used in relationships, and even masturbating, which doesn’t even involve another person at all, can be just as harmful to a relationship as any other kind of sexual affair.

No matter how you look at it, withholding sex is generally not considered a healthy move for building a sound relationship, and there are a lot of programs, counselors, coaches, and therapists who specialize in these things. Consider seeking one of these, or at least do some Googling to see if you can discover ways to put more excitement and satisfaction in the bedroom.

9. Child Infidelity

What?

Yes, it happens all the time. When one of the parents feels as though they are not getting all the love and support that they want from their partner, they focus intently on their children to drain all the love from them that they can. And children will love you unconditionally, at times when your partner may not be willing or able.

When your relationship with your kids supersedes your relationship with your partner, the sacred bond is broken, and the relationship will deteriorate and die.

That’s a lot of Infidelities

Yes, it is. And what might be considered infidelity for one person, might not be considered infidelity to another person. It’s up to each couple to make their own way through this life together if that is your goal.

Times are a changing, and relationships include a lot of give-and-take, negotiation, and establishing rules and boundaries if they are expected to survive and have any longevity.

That is unless you are able to love unconditionally.