Tag: infidelity

Infidelity Unrequited Love Abandonment Prison

Your fiancé left you. She chose her vice over you. You are feeling the pain of loss, betrayal, infidelity, unrequited love, abandonment, prison of your own making, and you are dramatically overwhelmed. She left without a word. No explanation no goodbye, only brash accusations that you were the one at fault. Because you love her, you are in pain.

You start asking yourself, “Why?”

    • Why would she leave?
    • Why would she choose this vice over you and your love?
    • Why would she lie, cheat, and steal?

Then you start questioning your part in all this.

    • What did I do?
    • What did I not do?
    • Was it something I said?
    • Something I did?

Because you still love her, and there was little or no closure, you still want to reach out to her, leading to more questions,

    • Can I help her?
    • Is there hope for us?
    • Can we overcome this together?
    • Will she open up and talk to me?

Your questions are met with silence.

What next?

From here on out, it’s your turn to end this story.

You’ve taken it upon yourself to hire an investigator who has confirmed the severity of her infidelity and its power over her. You have some data and information about her life as a sex worker as the result of your investigation. You have photos, license plate numbers, maps, and a list of over 150 addresses where she has exercised her right to engage in her vices. You know exactly what devices and programs she uses, what methods she uses, how long she entertains her clients, and what menu of services she provides. You know how much she charges (and when she does charity work), how she collects the finances, and how she deals with it.

You know she has kept this vice a secret for years, since before you came along.

You know,

    • She is not going to open up to you.
    • You cannot save her.
    • She hasn’t wasted a thought on you.
    • She doesn’t care about how you feel about her.
    • She doesn’t care about how you feel about yourself.

She doesn’t care about you, at all.

Whether there was a time that she did or not is insignificant.

Yet, here you are, day after day, going over every detail, every nuance, every piece of data, every imaginary recreation of her being with others, then with you afterward on a regular basis while you were together. Imagining what she has done since, and continues to do every day.

This is your prison of your own making.

You blame her for it, but you’ve constructed it for yourself in her name.

Every moment that you spend in this prison is on you. You created the prison.

You are your judge. You are your jailer.

You’ve created the rule of your restraint and containment.

Once you know this, it can come as no surprise that it is you who holds the keys to your prison.

And when the day comes that you are done punishing yourself in her name, you can take the keys, open the door and set yourself free.

When you do, forgive yourself for sentencing and punishing yourself in this way, all the while knowing that you suffered in the name of love. Even though it was unrequited and painful.

You loved. Your love was true. Your love was pure.

But it’s over now.

With your newfound freedom, you will be able to start your new life.

A new life with a new world of possibilities.

What about her? What about forgiveness?

Unnecessary. Though you might require to do this act of forgiving for yourself, your own mental wellness, but not for her.

She is happy. She is living her life the way that makes her feel good. She loved the life she had with you, she would have loved being married to you and being a secret sex worker, but she knows that if you knew, that would never work for you. So, she left.

She continues to do this work that gives her life meaning. It is not about you, never was.

You may feel awful about you being at opposing ends of this scenario, but no one is wrong, here.

Yes, she accepts a certain degree of risk for engaging in illegal activity, which is illegal at the moment, but know that laws are changing and the decriminalization of sex workers is in the works as you are reading these words.

No judgment. Forgiveness may be necessary for the transgressions against you, but not for her life choice(s).

Most sex workers are people who have experienced severe trauma in their past, and this activity helps mitigate the damages of their past, and these victims are doing whatever they can to feel a little better.

You might act out like this, but you are not her.

After all, we’re all doing the best we can with what we have.

The least you could do is to allow her the same respect that you would expect if you were in her shoes.

Let her go with God’s blessings.

Let it be.

 

I Was Engaged to a Prostitute

So a man comes into my office and he is distraught and suffering the results of his fiancé’s having left him. As two people couple up, they grow together, getting more attached to each other as time passes.

The more they grow together romantically toward a common goal, in this case, marriage, which fewer and fewer couples entertain as a possibility these days, the more emotional ties they build between them. It’s as if they are being emotionally sewn together by a giant needle and thread or rope of emotion.

Ideally, this would be taking place between both parties but in some cases, one develops these ties, while the other? Not so much, as is the case in this gentleman’s circumstance. The story continues.

A friend of the man reports to the man that he witnessed his fiancé getting out of another man’s car in a local supermarket parking lot. His fiancé kissed the driver of the other car, then proceeded to go into the supermarket. As the other man drove off, the witness and friend jotted down the license plate of the departing man.

Concerned for his friend who was engaged to be married, the witness arranged to relay the information to his friend, including the plate information of the automobile.

Confused and dismayed, the man let the information obtained from the witness roll around in his head for a few days, trying to make sense of it all, which left him only with more unanswered questions the more he thought about it.

They, one day, unable to help himself he took his fiancé with whom he had been cohabitating for a couple of years for the term of their engagement, out to dinner. Confronting her, he asked her about the information that had been related to him by the witness/friend, whose identity he withheld.

She, the fiancé, denied everything, except that she had gone to the supermarket to “get him groceries” for meals she cooks for him. She further accused his unidentified friend of wanting to break them up and accused the husband-to-be of having an affair. She maintained that he was accusing her of having an affair to justify his own. The man said there was no infidelity on his part, that he only wanted her and no one else.

Obviously, at an impasse and not wanting to create a scene at the restaurant, they agreed to sleep on it and decided to talk about it after he returned home from work “tomorrow,” the following day.

The next day, the man returned from work to find his fiancé and her belongings gone. No goodbye note, nothing.

He tried to locate her via family and friends and was met only by responses regarding calling authorities and getting restraining orders, as his fiancé had already planted the cover story of his being an abusive and controlling manipulator from whom she was afraid for her life, so the friends and family pledge to help protect her from the man.

Hungry for answers, only armed with a copy of her driver’s license, a sales receipt from the supermarket, and an unknown man’s license plate, contacted a private investigator.

The results from the investigation concluded that the license plate number did belong to a man who she may have had sexual relations with, but if so, only the one time. This was not a long-term affair. Then, there was an extra sizeable retirement account. She had one built from her service to the State, and the other from an unknown origin.

The last bit of information, the one that held the biggest impact on the man, his fiancé was an active prostitute and had been prior to their engagement, throughout their cohabitation, and ever since she had left.

The investigator provided him with the current address of the former fiancé in a neighboring state.

In an attempt to reach out to her, he sent her a note stating a time and place for them to meet not far from where she lived. He showed up. She did not.

Now, the man is in my office wondering what he should do next, as he is still very in love with her. He is aware that she has had a traumatic past and sees the prostitution as a potential coping mechanism for the pain from her past trauma.

I asked the obvious question, “And you weren’t picking up any clues?”

He says, “No, I never knew I was engaged to a prostitute.”

 

Infidelity Why is My Partner Cheating?

As a love and relationship counselor or coach, undoubtedly you will be having clients facing challenges with infidelity. If you’ve done this kind of work for long, you realize that people stray for any number of reasons, and if you can remain supportive and non-reactive or judgmental, you may be the pivotal player in this relationship as someone who can assist in the relationship’s recovery, or at least, help the relationship end in the most amicable fashion.

Infidelity is a good indicator signaling that something is wrong in the relationship. It’s up to your clients to see if they can unravel the root cause if they intend to try to rebuild the relationship. It will take full commitment to the process from both parties if the relationship is to move forward, not so much if there is no hope and one or more or your clients is determined to call it quits.

Even if a couple starts off as the perfect match in the beginning, there is the tendency for people to grow and change or deteriorate and change over the course of time. There can be many reasons why things might change that may make the once compatible couple incompatible, resulting in irreconcilable differences, for which there is presumably no remedy. Though this is not always the case, as any impasse today could be a challenge to face and deal with another day.

Researchers who study cheaters only have access to cheaters who have either been caught cheating or have volunteered the information about their infidelity. The clergy will have access to greater and more detailed information, but this information is protected by clergy-penitent privilege. Anthropologists, on the other hand, are able to study animals for clues about our sexuality and how common infidelity is among members of the animal kingdom that share our DNA, like primates and mice. Then, there are others who are unfaithful who have gotten away with it and will take this secret with them to the grave. None of us will have access to that data.

Neurotypical Infidelity

The most common form of infidelity is neurotypical infidelity. This is to say that perfectly normal and average people will have a tendency to stray from an otherwise typical monogamous relationship. Anthropologists insist that the tendency to seek sexual gratification or variety outside of a monogamous relationship is hardcoded in our DNA inherited by our ancestors.

People cheat out of anger or revenge, because they have fallen out of love, or “accidentally.” By accidentally, I mean, they were unfaithful for the same reason that a non-criminal might commit a crime, they were in a weakened state and found themselves in a situation where they were presented with the means, motive, and opportunity to engage in a crime or sexual tryst.

Other reasons include the inability to commit or limited emotional bandwidth for a long-term commitment, feeling as though they are not being attended to appropriately, mismatched sex drives, and/or a hyperactive sex drive which may include a strong desire to have sex with other people.

Emotional issues, such as low self-esteem, insecurity, unworthiness, or unresolved trauma from the past may also be contributors to being unfaithful, as seeking a sexual relationship (even if sex is not consummated) outside the couple may boost their confidence, helping them to cope with their other unresolved emotional issues.

Addictive Infidelity

Addiction is one of those tricky areas where there is hope for recovery because we have so much evidence of success stories that it is reasonable to believe that one who suffers from any addiction can overcome it. Addictions may be contributors to infidelity and come in many forms such as alcoholism, addictions to drugs (pharmaceutical or prescription), compulsive gamblers, eaters, spenders, sex addicts, etcetera.

Addictions come in varying intensities. For those whose addictive tendencies are mild, the hope for recovery can be high, though even so, one must realize that relapses are quite common. Severe cases may require supernatural intervention, like (insert addiction) Anonymous. I have often found God to be a powerful ally in battling addiction for my clients.

Considering the nature of sex addiction, certainly one would expect to see infidelity rear its ugly head in any relationship, though few may struggle with the addiction but refrain from acting out completely. This still puts a tremendous strain on the relationship.

These addictions that may include different forms of infidelity are uncontrollable urges that cause the victim to act out unfaithfully. They do so, not to offend the faithful partner, but often participate in such activity in an effort to self-medicate serious underlying issues such as being haunted by an unresolved traumatic past, anxiety, depression, unworthiness, guilt, shame, or when feeling overwhelmed by other psychological issues.

Sexual Orientation Infidelity

No longer in the dark ages, people in the modern world are empowered to express themselves sexually in authentic ways that may have been prohibitive in the past. There is a trend in the laws of the land to support all types of sexual orientation. One of the participants in a presenting relationship may experience a change in sexual orientation. Though one does not normally change their sexual orientation, just simply come to realize that their previous commitment to a particular sexual preference was a lie.

This is a change for the other partner who did not see this coming, though there’s a good chance that the partner who is awakening to his or her true sexual orientation may be just as surprised when this reality comes to light. You are born with your unique sexual orientation but often develop a socially acceptable sexual persona to in effect find an easier way to make your way through life.

In some cases, an individual will look as though he or she is a sexual chameleon, changing his or her sexual preference from one to another over time. This is common enough, especially if their previous programming to adopt a false-facing-front sexual orientation has been prolonged. It may take experimentation over time to finally discover one’s true sexual nature.

If you are in a relationship with someone who is on this sort of path of exploration and personal growth, this can put a great deal of stress on a relationship and may very well lead to the end of the relationship, especially if the explorer is intent on eventually finding a more suitable partner, or maybe his or her path will lead to having no steady partner at all.

Malicious Infidelity

In the rare circumstance of finding yourself paired with a malicious predator who may be a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath, someone on the Anti-social Personality Disorder spectrum, you may suffer from infidelity because your partner gets a thrill from controlling, abusing, and torturing you in a variety of ways and you may never have any method of proving infidelity (or any other secrets he/she may be keeping from you) concretely. If he or she gets the slightest idea that you might be questioning his or her fidelity, you will be verbally and psychologically assaulted (gaslighting), discredited, disrespected, and made to feel like a fool.

If you are in a relationship with a predator, it may be difficult to find adequate help, as these individuals, if they are highly skilled, have the ability to be very persuasive with an incredible ability to con people (he or she conned you, right?) and may be able to manipulate any counselor you might like to see.

If you see this happening, just play along and look for another counselor who has experience with victims of narcissists, sociopaths, or psychopaths who can help you to protect yourself and deal with your situation without having to endure more pain or loss.

Monogamous Decline

With the expansion of sexual orientation, relationships are changing and evolving and the idea of monogamy is becoming less popular, as it is being seen as an unnatural archaic method of approaching romantic relationships. Instead, the current trend is toward supporting a more advanced tolerant relationship between a main pair of individuals, allowing for straying partners. This is referred to as ethical non-monogamy (ENM) or consensual non-monogamy (CNM). Observed as being ethical because there is full disclosure, thereby eliminating the “cheating” label, and consensual due to both parties agreeing on certain parameters.

What are your thoughts?

 

 

Sex is Good and May Be Subject to Change

A relationship coach for most of my adult life, though official titles and facilitations have morphed and changed along the way, I found myself invited to participate on a panel with other experts on sex and relationships. I am not saying that I am a sex expert, but early in my religious career, my wife and I did share a ministry focused on religious folks and sex. In those early days, our message was to remove the evil shadow over the issue of sex among married religious folks, insisting that sex is good, not evil. And tried to help them approach marital sex as sacred and enjoyable, not just something that you do out of a sense of duty.

I felt like I was the most out-of-place participant on the panel but realized that I could bring a unique perspective to the topic arena. For instance, religious individuals and leaders are often reported as being sexually deviant, and due to the attention-grabbing fascination or headline news, people often shudder whenever they think of someone being in this-or-that mainstream religion, or if in a smaller independent spiritually oriented group, may be erroneously referred to as a sex cult. It’s the old one bad apple spoils the whole bunch vibe. People can be so heavily influenced by the news media.

Having a ru=ich history in religious counseling, I am often privy to information that the standard therapist or scientific researcher has because the individuals that I work with are more apt to tell the truth and include details when protected by clergy-penitent privilege. Surprisingly to me, I have seen a wide variety of issues across the wide spectrum of sexuality, even within the confines of religion in all stages of membership and clergy. All the while, keeping a welcoming, non-judgmental, open perspective, respecting each individual to be at whatever place they might be in their spiritual journey, even when it was hardest to do so, even in those early years.

I quickly began to understand that sexuality is a spectrum, and even though I am opposed to the labels that are heralded by my peers, I do agree, that for those of particular sexual persuasions, it can be comforting to know that you are not the only one. And believe me, no matter how you feel like you are the only one that feels that way about sex (whatever that means to you), there are so many people out there that feel the same way.

Even in those early days of our ministry, my wife and I would encourage reverently religious folks to entertain the idea of expanding their horizons in private in the marital bed, often citing the first part of Hebrews 13:4, “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled,” which means that a husband and wife can enjoy all the joy that can be celebrated between each other, sexually, without limitation, with consent, encouraging exploration and experimentation. We purposely left out the remainder of the scripture because it dealt with relationships outside of the bonds of marriage, and we only did marital counseling. Even so, there were many challenges that religious couples would face when one or both partners strayed outside of the marriage. The most common, infidelity, as you might have guessed.

No doubt, there are endless possibilities among sexual persuasions that couples may experience, and it is not uncommon for any person to move through phases or evolve to and through a variety of sexual orientation(s) throughout one’s journey. This can be highly problematic when one partner changes his or her sexuality when in a committed relationship.

For instance, a couple may be equivocally matched, both being demisexual (someone who is only sexually attracted to another with whom they feel they share a deep emotional bond) at the relationship’s outset, but one partner begins to discover that he or she is freysexual (someone who is only sexually attracted to someone they do not know or strangers). This can be a problem, and most certainly will be. Of course, discovering one’s latent homosexuality can also come as a surprise.

These kinds of changes leave telltale signs that the other partner begins to notice, so planning a path of action is beneficial as soon as the one who is changing becomes aware of it. The partner who is not changing may see this as a sign of betrayal if not included in the change early on. So, some disclosures, and/or seeking a coach, counselor, or family therapist, earlier would be far better than later.

Often, the change takes place in secrecy. Sometimes the one who is changing, and does not understand the change is taking place and hides his or her feelings because they are struggling with trying to figure out what’s going on. In other circumstances, maybe change is not happening at all. Maybe one member of this couple has always had a particular style of sexual interest but feigned being more compatible with the other partner by “acting as-if” out of love, commitment, expectations of others (we see a lot of this in the religious community), denial, or even maliciously to exploit the partner in some way.

If there is to be any hope for the couple’s survival, if that is the agreed-upon intent of both parties, then openness and honesty is the best way to approach the issue.

And, yes, couples do survive these kinds of changes. If it is faced head-on, and the couple’s love and commitment is great enough to survive such a challenge.

Although I was nervous and felt awkward about participating on the panel, I definitely feel as though I would say, “yes,” to a similar invitation in the future.

 

7 Steps to Recovery from the Affair Infidelity

It happened. You found out, by whatever means that your partner was unfaithful. Here are 7 steps to recovery from the affair. Infidelity has broken your trust and the relationship, but there might still be a chance you can recover from the affair and resume life with the cheater, if you can include these 7 steps in your process of healing and growth together.

Upon discovery, how the couple moves from this point forward will give you a good idea about how you might be able to predict if there is hope for your relationship after infidelity.

People make mistakes, and none of us is flawless. We all experience moments or weakness or indiscretion, but this need not be the death blow to your relationship, though it may feel like that when you first become aware that your partner has cheated on you.

7 Steps to Recovery from the Affair Infidelity

There is a successful formula that can be followed to achieve the best results possible when discovering an affair, dealing with the cheater and the betrayal, and reconciling. Note that even in the best of circumstances, only one of four sincere attempts as at recovery achieve a satisfactory degree of success.

If your attempt to reconcile includes the following 7 ingredients, these elements greatly enhance your chances of success.

1. Initial Separation

When one first hears about or otherwise discovers that there has been a betrayal of trust in the relationship, the initial emotional reactions of either or both parties may be counterproductive to recovering from the affair. It is suggested that a period of separation be imposed by the betrayed to establish a period of time (a minimum of 72 hours or more as designated by the victim) for the victim to have time to process the information and achieve grounding before digging into the details of the tryst. It also gives the unfaithful partner time to consider the gravity of his or her actions. If, during the separation, he or she who conducted the affair contacts the extra-relational partner (especially if sexual conduct is involved) or acts as if he or she is “single,” this will indicate the relationship is unsalvageable, even if the betrayed partner has no awareness of it.

2. Full Disclosure

When the betrayer is forthcoming in disclosing the details openly and honesty, there is a great deal of hope for recovering from the infidelity. The unfaithful partner must be remorseful, and humble. This can be extremely difficult for both parties. The victim of the affair must take caution in asking about details of the affair and have the strength to deal with the answers received in the best way possible. This is very sensitive territory and it will be hard for the partner who had the affair to be forthcoming because he or she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. That’s why they would rather lie about it, because in most circumstances, he or she still loves you. To prove it, he or she will be…

3. Stepping Down

The cheater must be willing to step down and let the suffering partner take chief position in the effort of trying to repair the damage caused by the infidelity. The betrayer has usurped his or her authority by stepping outside the healthy bounds of the relationship. For recovery to be possible, they must be willing to hand the torch to the victim of the betrayal, who will now direct how the process of recovery will go. While steeping down, adopting remorseful humility and establish non-defensive approach to reconciling, will empower effort to reconcile for a more positive and sustainable outcome.

4. Focus on Rebuilding Trust

The trust has been broken and without trust there is no authentic relationship. The victim takes the role of the conductor, guiding the couple through any steps that might be necessary to rebuild the trust. Patience, humility, and loving-kindness in the attitude and responses offered by he or she who conducted the affair will help move things in a positive manner, but be forewarned that this may be a lengthy process as wounds from infidelity often run deep and are the most difficult to heal. This healing will take hard work, dedication, and time.

5. No Contact

The partner who has conducted the affair must be willing to sever all ties to the person who was involved in the act(s) of infidelity. According to the offended partner, the offender may have to conduct a message of “ending it once and for all” with the person with whom he or she conducted the affair with. The wounded partner may want to participate in the statement of final statement of closure in person, or listening in on the statement. Such a message of closure must also include a statement of love, commitment, and dedication to recovery to the betrayed partner. This individual must be avoided at all cost and may have to include a change of job or social interactive circumstances.

6. No Secrets

The unfaithful partner must be willing to live their future with full confidence in the betrayed partner, willing to commit to a full disclosure vibration, keeping no secrets from the partner. If there are any secrets kept, they should be kept with the wounded partner, no one else, in the recovery process. This may include full disclosure or passwords and other keys, surrendering of burner phones and inclusion of historical records, including banking or other secluded information. 100% openness and transparency indicates increased hope of successful reconciliation.

7. Focused Healing

Both parties must be focused on the healing that is necessary to recover from the betrayal of trust in the relationship. Wounded victims may suffer not only emotionally but physiological suffering may have a negative expression in the biological sphere of the betrayed. This may expressed as a deterioration of immunity, loss of energy and added propensity to chronic fatigue syndrome, depression, and/or increased risk of sickness or disease. If both participants are focused on the healing and reparation of the relationship, there is a greatly enhanced hope for recovery.

With these  7 steps to recovery from the affair, infidelity recovery can be possible if two people are committed to arriving at a possible outcome and if they are a part of the recovery process can greatly increase your probability of success.

If you can survive this as a couple, you may be able to continue to grow and increase your intimate connection having survived such a challenge and emerge as one of the power couples that the rest of us mere mortal admire so much.

May you be such an example of overcoming and rising to new height of love and life that we all aspire to.

If not, know that a faithful, loving, and monogamous partner is waiting for you, but he or she will not be able to appear until you have released this one, and signed off on the final chapter of this part of your journey.

 

Predict If There Is Hope for Your Relationship After Infidelity

You can often predict if there is hope for your relationship after infidelity by paying attention to how the cheater replies to the awareness that such a betrayal has occurred, and how the information was obtained.

If the cheater comes to you with the details of the affair and appears to express remorse over the event and says that he or she will do whatever is necessary to repair the offense and the relationship, there is a good chance the relationship is not only salvageable but may grow to be better and stronger than before the infidelity.

What if You Find Out About Cheating in Any Other Way?

If you heard about the affair in some other way, such as hearing about the infidelity from a third party or caught your partner either in discrepancies or worse yet, actively engaged in unfaithfulness, then there may still be hope for the reparation of your relationship.

If you have been betrayed by your partner, this should never be taken lightly. This is the worst thing that could possibly happen in a relationship. I don’t know how many times I have been told by couples that infidelity is the one dealbreaker in the relationship, to where there could be no recovery. Yet, I have seen these same couples face such a relationship crime and not only recover but thrive as their relationship grows beyond the possibility of couples who have not faced such a challenge.

How the Cheater Responds Will Help Predict Your Relationship Future

If the person who participated in the infidelity demonstrates any of the following responses, there is little or no hope for your relationship having any successful outcome.

Relationship Death Clues

Denies everything Leaves the relationship without discussion
Devalues and disrespects the betrayed Protects objects of infidelity
Inability to be truthful and honest Does not accept responsibility
Chooses to live a life of secrecy and deception The adulterer thinks their needs are primary
Adopts an air of superiority Blames the betrayed partner
No respect for the relationship Not seeing any worthwhile future

You may hear statements that are commonly used by those who are unable to rebuild trust and take the relationship to a new level. These cheaters will say things, like,

  • It’s my body, I can do what I want
  • Any sexual urge I have must be satisfied
  • If no one knows, it doesn’t matter
  • I must feel good, whatever it takes
  • If I am aroused by someone else, I must be with the wrong person
  • If I am stressed, I need (outside) sexual energy
  • That’s how I one-up my partner (by having someone else)
  • I always give, now I’m taking
  • I’ve been with so many, I could never go back

And even though these attitudes and statements statistically reinforce the idea that there is no hope for the relationship, there is still hope, even though the outlook appears to be bleak.

Look Out

The thing to look out for here; is that someone with sociopathic or predatory psychopath tendencies may feign efforts to reconcile only to further brutalize you far worse by increasing the stakes monumentally.

In this case, the sooner you end the relationship, the better.

You can see this is a delicate balance, and by now, you are starting to see the wisdom in seeking out third-party help in a family counselor or relationship coach to help you navigate these murky waters.

Once a Cheater Always a Cheater

It is commonly said “once a cheater always a cheater” and statistically, there is truth to the statement in general, but it does not take into account the great number of success stories that abound about cheaters turned faithful spouses.

How Can I Predict If There Is Hope for My Relationship After Infidelity?

There are certain clues to look for that will in a sense predict if your relationship has a higher chance of surviving infidelity.

Surviving Infidelity Successfully

The number one indicator is that the offender came to you directly, humbly, remorseful, and this is how you found out. In this case, he or she has intimated to you his or her sorrowfulness for the betrayal and the willingness to do anything to make up for the affair. This is the best hope you have for a stronger relationship in the future.

Regardless of how you became aware of the infidelity, the initial response of the offender is a leading indicator of a healthy and positive outcome from this otherwise relationship-destroying crisis.

The cheater

  1. Takes full responsibility, does not blame the faithful partner
  2. Is remorseful, sincerely apologetic, and feels guilty for the betrayal
  3. Seeks forgiveness, and is willing to do whatever is necessary for as long as it takes to heal the relationship
  4. Is completely honest and forthcoming about any and all details regarding the infidelity
  5. Makes a complete break with the object(s) of the infidelity, i.e., no contact
  6. Surrenders all devices and communication methods if requested (burner phones, bills, bank records, email accounts/passwords, etc.)
  7. Allows the betrayed partner to dictate the path the relationship-healing will take

When a cheater is willing to come forth and cooperate in such a manner, the person who was betrayed by the unfaithful partner is more than likely able to do the work necessary to establish trust in the relationship once again.

If your unfaithful partner is willing to come to you with this level of openness and honesty, there is a high probability that a supremely successful relationship with this person who has failed the relationship is likely. (Unless he or she is a predatory individual on the Anti-Social Personality Disorder spectrum.)

These are the two extremes.

No Chance of Recovery

Signs of little chance of success, so that you can feel better about cutting your losses and finding ways to shore up your own self-love and wellbeing and severing ties with a cheater who is likely to make matters even worse if given half-the-chance.

Being forewarned is being forearmed. Unless you decide to try to rebuild the relationship even from this seemingly hopeless position. Let it be known that there are no absolutes in statistics regarding infidelity because after all, the participants are human beings, not statistics. I have seen relationships recover in the harshest circumstances but be fully aware that this is very rare indeed.

Best Chance of Full Recovery

The other extreme depicts the humbly brokenhearted contrite spirit of a man or woman who admits his moment of weakness, acknowledging his or her mistakes, and willingness to do whatever it takes to reestablish trust, wholeness, and oneness.

Restoration is Possible

Even in the best of circumstances, successful relationship restoration may not or may be possible. The best chance of full recovery is only the starting point. In no way am I saying that if the cheater represents himself or herself as honest and repentant as can be, does not mean that the betrayed partner should forgive and reembrace the betrayer based on face value.

Infidelity is a psychological and/or physiological activity that indicates that there is deep work to be done which either or both parties may have no idea what may be simmering deep beneath the surface of either one or both participants in this relationship.

Only the Beginning

Regardless of how you decide to go forward in this relationship, this is only the beginning of a long journey, that could end up being your worst nightmare, or the most glorious awe-inspiring example of love’s power to overcome even the worst of circumstances.

This is why you should seek out a family counselor or relationship coach to help you deal with this growth process who has experience in such things.

Only the going forward or not and time will tell.

 

Unequal Energetic Break up with a Cheater

Many problems can occur within the bounds of relationships, especially when there is an unequal energetic break up with a cheater at hand. Relationships can bring out the best or the worst among the participants and one partner may be shocked at how everything shifts immediately when they have been unequally yoked with a cheater.

In the throes of a love relationship, everything appears to be equal, as this can be an intimate time of sharing and caring. You might even entertain the of growing in a relationship together, even to become “one flesh,” as they say, or there may be an undercurrent of relationship imbalance that you are unaware of.

Sometimes, even the best of couples can find themselves at odds as they realize their paths are no longer headed in the same direction, and parting, as difficult as it can be, appears to be the only logical thing to do.

There is an unequivocal shift of balance at the end of the relationship when one discovers that he or she has been embroiled with a cheater.

They say that, “He who loves the least rules the relationship.” That is to say one of the partners is a little more demanding of subservience, a sort of, “It’s my way or the highway,” attitude. If one of these lovers is a cheater, the one who is cheating is a little more demanding (for he or she loves the least) insisting that, “If you make one wrong move, I am out of here.” And may add, “and you will never hear from or see me again as long as you live,” or something to that effect.

So, it can come as quite a shock to the lover who has caught his or her partner cheating. The offended partner may have undertaken the rigorous painstaking procedures to launch a personal investigation in the hopes of being able to confront the cheater and have a conversation about the offender’s desire to seek intimate attention outside of the relationship.

Often, this is a good way to go about it, because as many jilted partners have found out, to accuse a partner without any evidence can easily be dismissed as blind jealousy or mental instability.

You are ready. You have exerted much meticulous effort to have the documentation necessary to approach your cheating partner, only to find that at the very first mention of infidelity, your partner responds with something, like, “I told you that if you,” (insert any number of conditions) “that I would be gone, forever.”

Then he or she promptly packs his or her bags and leaves to start his or her new life. The groundwork for which has already been laid. The cheater already has new romantic interests in the wings, may have casual sex partners (nowadays, both physical and virtual) , has a strong network of people set up to party and celebrate with, and can easily defame the partner he or she cheated on, proclaiming that the victim was a jealous psycho who accused him or her (the cheater) of horrendous, unbelievable things (though many of them would be, in fact, truths, if not all of them).

All of this was premeditated and put in place, ready to launch in an instant. All you had to do was to question the cheater. The cheater is under no obligation to respond to any of your accusations or proof. Why? Because it is over.

Only you may still be in love. You may be emotionally and physically suffering from the impact of the reality of this situation, and maybe your intention was to try to work through this crisis to see of your relationship would be one of the great relationships which could survive infidelity. And believe me, many do.

I have seen so many couples recover from infidelity, even from the worst-case scenarios and recover in the most miraculous ways, but it takes faith, dedication, commitment, and a willingness to do the deep (most likely the hardest) work to break through to true love. It happens.

Far more often, though, these relationships end abruptly (though many may go through many break-ups on the way to the final one) with one partner joyously celebrating their new life and freedom, while the other one suffers. This is a clear and present unequal energetic break up with a cheater, which is extremely difficult for the partner cheated upon to recover from.

If the cheater is narcissistic, sociopathic, or has psychopathic tendencies, he or she may be very pleased with him- or her-self the more devastating his or her departure is to the victim of the breakup. The more wounded you are, the more powerful they feel. So, they will often flaunt their new celebratory life in your face as they discredit you all the way, just to add insult to any preexisting injury.

Has this ever happened to you?

If it has, please understand that you did nothing wrong. You may feel bad due to being suddenly shocked by the infidelity, the lies, the cheating, and no one would blame you. You are still in love and your ex- not so much. He or she is gone and trashing you all the way as they embark on their new life, while your heart is broken and bleeding.

Try not to give them the satisfaction of seeing you suffer. Healing will take time. Surround yourself with anyone who will not discredit you or call you a liar. Hopefully, you can find someone who will tell you something nice about you for a change. When you find these people keep them close and find your strength from within to feel good about yourself… without the need to strike out at your ex.

Most people will seek some revenge and want to expose the cheater with the truth of the proof they have gathered. Believe me, this will only prolong your healing process, and make your life even more drama prone. Resist seeking revenge.

The best revenge is to live a vastly successful and amazing life, regardless of what challenges you may have faced. Focus on doing that, as you ignore your naysayers.

You may find yourself participating in poor self-talk, ruminating about the past, thinking about the time and energy you wasted truly loving this person, beating yourself up for not seeing this sooner, or any other type of negative thought patterns. Please find ways to resist doing so, and thank God, that you found out now, and not later. (This could have been far worse if it had been allowed to continue even longer.)

You are better off without this person’s deceit and lies in your life.

Though it may not seem like it right now, know this: There is someone out there who is so well suited for you that every moment you spend with him or her will seem like a miracle in comparison to this experience.

 

 

Third-party Threat to Your Relationship

Your partner’s attention is beginning to fade away. You feel the withdrawal with little or no idea about what is going on. Your partner may not be having a full-on affair or actively engaged in infidelity, but he or she might be being led away by a third-party threat to your relationship.

What is happening is that your partner is engaging in another type of relationship with a “friend” which is appearing to increase in value as this friendship deepens. The third-party may actually be innocent enough but is far more often intentionally “grooming” your partner to serve their intimate and possibly even evil desires.

Grooming is a process used by sexual predators, psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists, and other toxic individuals to lure victims away from their primary relationship and they create an emotional bond with the victim which grows until it takes precedence over your relationship, then the predator exerts whatever plan they have carefully prepared for.

It starts off so apparently innocently, as the predator will exploit any potential topic of interest which is meaningful to your partner, their next potential victim. The key is to gradually become your partner’s most beloved friend, to slowly over time cause your partner to trust the predator more than you.

They will use any variety of ways to attach themselves to their prospective victim. Opportunities might be to offer support in your partner’s interests, especially if he or she can find one that you may not be expressing a great deal of interest in. They create common ground to form the foundation of the relationship which is the basis of this seemingly innocent relationship which will be increasingly exploitative unbeknownst to the victim as they are slowly enveloped and entrapped, not unlike quicksand.

Exclusivity is an important component of this predatory relationship. They will build confidence with the victim insisting that they share sensitive information that would be not shared with any other human being.

After the foundation has been laid, the predator insists that the relationship be regarded as highly sophisticated and allowed to flourish under an umbrella of secrecy, as “normal” people may not understand the innocent nature of this relationship, and might think that there may be a sexual component which there is clearly not (at least not yet).

Then the predator establishes “importance” above any other existing relationships in the victim’s life, for no one, not his/her husband/wife, friends, family, coworkers, mentor, or priest can be trusted as much as this snake in the grass, and in time the natural cognition of the victim can be worn-down, until they feel this connection deep inside, in the most sensitive areas of their being.

Later, the predator will attempt to exploit the victim’s inner circle, like showing up and working, or “running into them by accident” when the potential victim is out with friends and/or family. As they get to get exposed to these people, using misdirection, this person will begin to cause the victim to question the trustworthiness of these individuals who may be seeking to exploit him or her.

Clues to your partner’s being manipulated by such a third-party snake might include

You don’t know why it feels like your connection to your partner is fading away, he or she seems to admire you less, and is beginning to criticize you more.

Your notice your partner talking more and more about a new friend or reconnecting with an old friend and recounts comments or observations which appear to be meaningful.

Unusual technology behaviors like increased security measures regarding telephone, computer, and other communications devices may indicate the preservation of “secret” communications.

Your partner may be developing new interest in activities and/or projects which may require time away from home.

Your partner may be staying late at work, or you notice he or she is making more time to spend with “the boys” before coming home, may be spending weekends on special assignments, training, or taking classes.

Once you become aware of this it is time to open a line of communication with your partner about what might be distracting him or her from your relationship. It is perfectly fine for you to express concerns about your feeling that your connection is fading away. Just make sure that you do not become accusatory. Just express your feelings and allow your partner to respond.

Be prepared for your partner to respond with how innocent this relationship is, becoming defensive, insisting that “nothing is going on,” and accusing you of accusing him or her of having an affair and insinuating that there is sexual infidelity (which you have been careful to avoid). Simply and calmly re-state your assertion that you are not accusing anyone of anything, just noticing changes and seeking to reconnect with your partner in love.

Keep the line of communication open and non-threatening.

This is the beginning. If you have caught it in time, you may be able to rekindle your relationship and foil the plans of the person who is trying to set your partner free from your relationship.

A qualified relationship coach can help you and your partner work through the issues and identify and deal with the third-party threat to your relationship.

Be aware that even if this is only an emotional affair and there has been no sexual component, you may agree with so many who have lost someone they love to such a predator, that the damage to your relationship and your heart is far more severe than had it just been a sexual affair. Note that your partner will also feel the same way when he or she awakens to the fact that they have been duped, exploited, and victimized.

Cheaters Have Nothing to do with You

It’s easy to internalize your frustrations if you’ve been with a partner who has been unfaithful. Cheaters have nothing to do with you. If you’re monogamous and committed to someone who is a cheater, when he or she has left, you might start questioning yourself. “What did I do?” or alternatively, “What’s wrong with me?” amongst other self-deprecating questions. When the truth is it’s about the cheater, not you.

Cheaters are gonna cheat. That’s just the way it is. You can change a cheater, it’s just the way they are hard-wired. Can a cheater change into a loving, caring, monogamous, and faithful partner? Yes. But you cannot change them. Only the cheater can change his or her life that drastically. Nothing you can do can change them.

Your first instinct is to blame yourself because you lack the full lovingness for yourself, so you question your worthiness, as all your insecurities rise to the surface, making you feel worse and worse about yourself, while the happy-go-lucky cheater is off on his or her next conquest.

Nothing is wrong with you. You are perfect in every way, only you do not realize it or know that all the love you seek resides within you waiting to be set loose in all its power and glory.

Lacking this true love from within, you will submit yourself to the endless abuse of not feeling as though you are not enough, questioning your authentic beauty, or over criticizing your income, weight, choice of apparel, hairstyle, mannerisms, possessions, family, beliefs, or any other endless possibilities that might make you feel less than worthy.

The choices other people make, the things they do, have nothing to do with you. You are for more inconsequential in the lives of people who have little or no regard for you than you might think. People just say or do stuff because their lives have led them to say or do this or that. That is all.

If it wouldn’t have been you, it would have been someone else.

You are not responsible for the life your ex- has lived up to this point and you can never know what is going on inside someone else’s head or heart.

In most (if not all) cases of infidelity or the inability for someone to make a long-term commitment comes from a lifetime of insecurity, fear, and/or abuse, every detail of which could never be fully known by any other person.

It’s up to you to look after your own feelings and sense of worthiness. You need to not let anyone have control over how you feel. In this way, you can reclaim your power from anyone who has threatened your otherwise sense of wellbeing.

If you let others to be responsible for how you feel, you would be just like your ex- who is constantly needing someone else to make him or her feel good. And when you make someone else responsible for how you feel, it works, but not for long.

If someone doesn’t like you the way you want them to, don’t feel bad. Be grateful that you found out when you did, because it could have been much worse had your relationship been allowed to continue in its dysfunction.

Your value is not determined by anyone or anything outside of yourself. Your preciousness comes from the love within yourself. Allowed to grow within yourself your love can expand and overflow to others and the world around you.

Without this unlimited source of love enveloping you, the best you can do is to mitigate your emotional state, with all its contradictions and inconsistencies, the best you can by applying emotional bandages (other people and what they think of you).

You are perfect, with all your imperfections, just the way you are.

You were born in love, full of love, and worthy of love, for you (in your truest essence) are love personified. Even if no one else recognizes your sacred divinity, it still remains true; you are pure love.

You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone, ever.

You love yourself enough to walk away from any relationship which is not in alignment with your highest and best.

You and your love is all the love you need, and when the right person shows up with a vibrational frequency with is alignment with your highest and best, nothing can stand in your way.

Great love is on its way to you.

Want to Have an Affair?

You love your partner, but you can’t help it, you want to have an affair. Why is your attention captured by that other person? Do you want to have an affair?

Top 7 Reasons You
Want to Have an Affair

There are so many reasons why you’re tempted by the idea of having an affair. Probably the number one reason you want to have an affair is that you’re not feeling like you did in the beginning.

1. Not Feeling Loved

In the beginning, you were cherished and adored by your partner, and lately, you’re getting along, everything is going just fine, but you’re feeling like you’re pretty much invisible. When perfect strangers treat you better than your partner, they are courteous, making you feel special, admired, and desirable. Isn’t that what we all want? Of course, you want to have an affair.

2. You’re Angry

Many affairs are conducted out of spite. You are angry about something your partner has done, maybe you’ve been disrespected, disregarded or abused either physically or emotionally, and striking back at your partner would be unacceptable. Having a revenge-affair seems like a more safe and sane way to express your angst and get it out of your system.

3. Sexual Incompatibility

If you are sexually subdued, inhibited, not very interested in sex with your partner who is a sextrovert (or vice versa) one or both or you will be looking for someone more sexually compatible with you in your spare time.

4. Curiosity Experiment

Sometimes a partner is just curious and seeks out to engage in an affair as an experiment. Nothing is wrong in the relationship, everything is going really well, you are fulfilled and there is nothing lacking, but you just want to know what it would be like. Maybe you get away with it, maybe not.

5. Thrill Seekers

Adrenaline junkies are more apt to take all kinds of risks in life and fidelity is just another limit to be challenged for the avid thrill seeker. There is a particular energetic reward for the person who likes living on the edge and is often found looking for the next exciting event or activity.

6. Sexually Incapable

If one of the partners in an otherwise healthy relationship is unable to engage in the healthy sexual activity, the remaining partner who still has a strong desire to have a sex as a valued component in his or her life will seek to subsidize his or her sex life outside the relationship.

7. Reignites Love at Home

There are relationships which are regularly visited by affairs because the affair reignites the flame in their relationship as the jilted partner tries to win back the unfaithful by turning up the flame of love in an effort to save the relationship. And it works.

Those are just some of the reasons you might want to have an affair.

In most cases, a real relationship can survive and thrive with and without infidelity. By getting a grip on what you might be facing based on the intimate details of your relationship with your partner, you can avoid the affair, or survive the pitfalls associated with an affair.

Want to have an affair?

Ask yourself, why? Then, see if there’s a way to reignite the flame of love at home without having to seek what you desire outside the relationship. You may be surprised to find everything you’ve ever wanted, you already have waiting for you at home.

See also: Infidelity It’s Not Just Sexual